Toni and Ryan - At a Theme Park and also in the bedroom

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

THINGS YOU CAN SAY... At a theme park, and also in the bedroom! Plus we have a SCAM WARNING! Love ya!!! Toni xoxo Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the podcast. My name is Ryan, Vice Captain of the Ship. This is Tony, best-selling pre-purchased author. What do you say? Yeah, yeah, that'll do. Yeah, that'll do. And we're calling Chloe, who is a rare Melbourne tarpon, but overseas at the moment. It's ringing. Hello? Chloe! Hello!

Hi, Chloe! Ryan off-air called you sea dog. So would you prefer Chloe or sea dog? Up to you. I'm good with anything. I'll respond to anything. Okay. I'm going to stick with Chloe. Chloe, where are you at the moment? I'm currently in Hawaii, Honolulu.

We're currently at the zoo. Hawaii. Oh, my God. That's awesome. What the fuck? Why are you in Hawaii for a holiday yeah holiday and have you seen anything in any souvenir stores while you're in Hawaii no toenail clippers by any chance I haven't I've kept my eye open for them but nothing I've seen

like nail filers and stuff but no clippers and can I just put on the record if you're a tarpa and in a souvenir store and not just you don't have to, but no clippers. And can I just put on the record, if you're a tarpa and in a souvenir store and not just, you don't have to buy the nail clippers, but just have a look and take a photo. I actually disagree. I think you have to buy them and send them to us. We want to pretend that we've been around the world. Yeah, collect nail clippers from everywhere.

Now, Chloe, I know you should never ask this of a lady, but how old are you? I'm 22. Okay, so you're 13 years younger than me. What's your last name? Ryan. Can you confirm that you are not my birth mother? Yes.

I think I'm pretty certain I can confirm that. Okay, I just saw the name and I thought, oh. We have to check. You have to be vigilant about these things. I mean, you've got to be pretty thorough. I get it. I saw the last name. I was like, could it be?

Just cross one off, Liz. Getting closer. Even though your birth mother called you John, not Ryan. Yeah. And it's not the last name. I mean, close enough. I would have thought the fact that Chloe's 13 years younger than me would have been more of a hint. Oh, no, I was a little worried about the name. Oh, my enough. I would have thought the fact that Chloe's 13 years younger than me would have been more of a hint.

Oh, no, I was more worried about the name. Oh, my mistake. My mistake. Chloe, should we do this? Can you approve this podcast? I certainly do. Yay! Fuck yes.

Not related person. Thanks, Mum. I mean, I'm... Oh, God. Panic. I'm panicking. Hi, it's Chloe from Melbourne, currently in Hawaii, but I approve panicking. Hi, it's Chloe from Melbourne, currently in Hawaii, but I approve this podcast.

Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the day. You're about to get scammed. Here we go. Scamming and hamming. Oh, it's almost Christmas. Christmas ham and a lovely scam. Tony and Ryan, not us.

Tony-Ryan. Tony-Ryan, some Facebook account, is trying to run a scam. Can you believe that they didn't call it Tony-Ryan-Daughter McDaughterface? That would have been more appropriate. Well, that's how you know it's not the real one. Yeah, because it's not the official name of the podcast. Yeah, but we'll get to that soon. But first, this is things you can say at a theme park and also in the bedroom. You've actually got to be over six foot to ride this bad boy. When I was riding that yesterday, I had to say to my boyfriend,

how tall are you? Five foot eight. I'm like, oh, okay. Unfortunately, you did not qualify. Things you can say. Hey, Tony. Hey. Show me them show bags. Oh.

If you hit these, candy does not come out. I've read it otherwise. Didn't think I'd get wet on that one. I was in the splash zone. Sorry, that was a pretty quick ride. What do you pay for? It's over before you know it. I didn't go anywhere.

I certainly didn't come. You might end up feeling a little bit dizzy and lightheaded. You're sp spinning me around. Right round, baby, right round. I should write a song about it. See, I was going to go Kylie Minogue. Call me Kylie Minogue because I'm spinning around. Do you reckon anyone died from this?

Strap yourself in. Oh, yeah, you've got to. For safety. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork. Safety. Seat belt. Don't you think, though, that, like, the cover charge is quite expensive,

especially when there's a big group of us? Yeah. Mum can't pay for all of us. My legs felt like jelly all day after that. Big day. I'm shaking. Oh, fuck. I got sunburned.

You should have put that cream on my back. I did, but obviously didn't get full coverage. You need more, and I'm always saying that. I'll try and fill it up. Now, don't forget, right at the end when we're about to finish, someone's going to take a photo, so pull a nice face. What would your photo be? I hate rides, so it would actually be this.

Ah! They always take it at the scariest part. I would do the thing that cool girls at the theme park do. Oh, nice towel. Want to fuck? What theme parks are you going to? Wet and Wild. Whoa. This is not an ad though if they're interesting

oh whoa whoa Whoa! Can you please describe for people listening what does that mean? I think that from that whoa, they'll know. It's the lift. The lift, my arms are a-waving. Oh.

Look, no hands. No hands. Should we stop for lunch? Yeah. I'm starving. I'm fucking starving. We've been going all day. All this eating is making me hungry. I've been on my feet all morning.

This one's for when you're looking up at a big roller coaster. Yep. But also after you've just had sex. Okay. And maybe even if you're looking up at a big roller coaster. Yep. But also after you've just had sex. Okay. And maybe even if you're looking at a staircase. Okay. Huh.

What a railing. I've actually seen it on the news. It's world renowned. What a railing. Can I have some of your hot dog on a stick? Hot dog on a stick? I'll just have to get my mate Trevor. Oh, docking.

It's more fun if you face backwards. Each to their own, but I have heard that. But I love the way that this one flips you around because you just don't know who's going to come next. What's his name? Someone's on the front, someone's on the back. You just never know. After being tossed around all weekend, I'm going to need to see a chiropractor.

Yeah, it's hard when you've been fucked in the back. On the dodging cars someone's right up your ass. Dodging cars is his name. Been on the dodging cars and he's right up

your ass. That's very funny. He wasn't that great, you know. I can't believe I shaved my legs and took the day off work for this. It is cheaper on a weekday though, you avoid the crowds. It is, yeah. This one's been sent in by Callum. Oh, hi Callum. Call me your final destination because you're about to get derailed.

Well, that's a really high caliber of comedy. Right back at you. The old Ratley ones are scary, but they let you know you're alive. The old rattly ones. You know what I mean? When you get enough on it and it's like... Yeah, I feel like it's nice when you're on one that's making lots of noise. Doesn't that put you off?

Been around the park a few times? It reassures you that it's having a good time. I can't look at you when I say this. This is the worst one we've ever had. And then after it, we're not going to talk about it. Okay. If your grandma rides this, she'll have a heart attack. Tickets.

Hi, Chloe. Currently in Hawaii. You're listening to Tony and Ryan. Shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Thank you so much for being part of the Patreon. We fucking love it. Really love it. And we'll definitely do a really fun December slash Christmas-based live stream.

It's actually, I have the date right here. I should have planned this earlier. Come on, mate. Actually, while you're looking for the date, should we put a poll in Patreon to be like, what should we do for the Christmas theme? It's going to be on Monday the 19th. So it's, what, two weeks away, three weeks away.

Yep. But I don't want anyone to miss out. So if you want to join before then, you'll be part of the Christmas livestream. So it's Monday here in Australia, but it'll be Sunday Arvo or Sunday night in Europe and the US. In Europe and the US, yep. So we can get different Christmas ideas? Because it could be like Christmas food or Christmas cocktails or Christmas craft.

Christmas craft. Dress-ups. I'm right into craft, as you know. Dress-ups is fun. Yeah. Or even like decorating a Christmas tree or making Christmas baubles or something. Yeah.

Something like that. I think that we'd be able to do something really fun. So if you pop your ideas in the Patreon, we'll put up a post and you guys can have your say. Perfection. I haven't even said the names yet. Nicholas Tellos España, thank you so much, Nick. Jamie Clifton, Emily Rayner.

Oh, I hardly know her. And Becca Syme. Becca Syme. Thank you very much. Hit me, Becca, one more time. Oh, my God. I actually have just blacked out. I can't feel my hands right now.

Drink some of that iced coffee. It'll cool you down. Oh, my God. Pour the ice on you. You're shaking. Did oxygen just forget to enter your person? Oh, my God. I, like, raised above my body just then.

Fuck. That was hilarious. Oh, no, the screens have gone off. Oh, the screens have gone off. Oh, no. It's all happening today. Oh, my gosh. We have actually had a bit of a day, haven't we?

Yeah. Should we? You can call me oxygen because I'll never leave your body. Oh, call that moment your dick because it made me black out. That's graphic. What the fuck? Are you fucking right, mate? Sorry.

Wow. Okay, that might not make the cut. Becca Syme, unsubscribe because I can't have your name coming back around. I wouldn't actually. I just encourage people to join so they'd be part of the Patreon. Not from now. And be part of the Patreon. Not from that. And be part of the live stream. They're not going to do that now.

But also, why would you bother? You got no one's. I can't make a better joke than that. We may as well retire. I need people to stop because I can't come up with a better joke than that. Well, I need you to keep being funny because I need to feed my daughter. So if you could just. We've got a baby on the way.

Keep the zingers coming, mate. Wow, that's given me a lot of power all of a sudden. You need me. What are you going to be called? And Ryan. That's nothing. Oh, I see. Not that it's nothing, but it's like you wouldn't have butter on its own.

Wow. You haven't met my cousin Max. You'll have a crack at that. So I just kicked the camera. Fuck, it's all happening. It actually is all happening. Sorry, everyone. So last week we were, would you say the victims of a scam?

Not quite. That's almost a bit too strong. But someone was impersonating being Tony and Ryan on Facebook. And you've probably seen heaps of them. Yeah. They're doing the rounds where they're like, oh, hey, it's Howard Stern. You've won the prize. Enter your credit card details here and we'll top your bank account up.

And it was actually very triggering for me because I've also just been a victim of a data breach from Medibank Private. Yeah. Because I did have insurance and it turned out it was the wrong choice. Did you have insurance for insurance fraud? No. Insurance on my data? No, apparently not.

They don't cover that. So Tony posted in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group just to say, hey, guys, just to let you know, see this profile. It's not us. Because jokes aside, I actually really don't want anybody getting fucking taken for a ride by, like, some assholes. Or even, like, if they don't take your money. But, like, often when you click the link, it's like a phishing link

and then they can put things on your computer to like follow your keystrokes so that they have got all your passwords and stuff. Like it's quite serious and I really didn't want anyone seeing that and going, oh, Tony and Ryan have a competition. And unfortunately it happened just after we'd launched the Fuck It Fund. So we kind of do have a competition. So we kind of have like something where we're like giving money away and I was really stressed that someone would see

that and go oh that's obviously for the fuck it fund. If you win the fuck it fund we will email or call you. We won't at you on Facebook. Yeah and say hello good sir. Hello ma'am. You have won my competition. But when Tony posted that in the group it was sort of an interesting reaction

because it was sort of not what we were expecting. Tony was giving a warning, but what I don't think Tony realised he was doing was flexing. Yeah. Let me read a few of these comments. Nathan, you guys know you've made it to another level when someone's pretending to be you. Congratulations.

Shmoshmodges, you've officially hit celebrity status. I'm so proud of you. It's like, are you not understanding this person's stealing money? It's very serious. It's very serious. Ryan Willing, you've officially made it. You'll love to see it. Maybe if they were reading the wrong thing.

Do you get the seriousness of data breaches? Like, it's very, like, we hope you've got insurance, you know? What happens if they log in and watch you through your webcam when you're jacking it? That's the biggest risk here. That's what happens. What are you? Did I not word that right? That was just quite

graphic. Jacking it. I didn't know what words to say. Self-relieving. Rubbing one out. Because apparently that's a thing. They record it and they go, hey, we're going to release this unless you pay us $5,000. See, I've gotten the email before that's like, we've seen that you've looked at porn or we've watched you self-relieving through the camera in your phone.

We will send it to all of your family and friends. I'm like, you know what? Send it to my fucking family and friends. I sent them a link to my OnlyFans. If they're going to see it, I'll take the cash. Yeah, get them to fucking join the Patreon with HitmanBurger, one more same. Anyway, I thought that people would take it really seriously

and be like, guys, we've reported it, don't worry. But no, they were not. TARP is a fucking. Ruthless, eh? Supportive, but still ruthless. No, they can't be serious. This is a serious issue. Ashley Kim.

It's like cowboy land over here on Facebook. I did like that one. I think I physically liked that comment. I think it was bad over on Twitter with those fake blue ticks, but now we're copping it over here. It's a real thing. It's a real issue. Now, this is where things get a little bit Inception. Aurora, how do we know this isn't the fake page trying to convince us that the real page is the fake page? Yeah.

Someone commented, maybe Tony just wants the prize all to herself. Yeah. So I was like, oh, don't click on the link. I want to win it. Yeah, don't click on it. Gotcha. Aidan Saxon. This is exactly the kind

of thing a scammer would post to make you think that they themselves are not the scammers. The funny thing is that I don't have a Facebook page, so I operate from, like, my personal Facebook that, like, you know, my fucking aunties are friends with and stuff. So, like, if you click on it, you can see that it is actually me. It's not just a random page. Oh, but they could have ticked you.

They find your photos. They make it look real. They add my auntie. Yeah. My poor auntie Karen. What's she going to say? What's she going to say? Hi, Tony.

How's it going? Hello, auntie Karen. Now this is where it gets personal. Okay. Yep. Emily Riley. I don't know. The poorly worded This Is official Facebook page website

has Ryan's name written all over it. She does have you there. This is so poorly written, says Aaron, that it can't not be Ryan. Well, excuse fucking me. How dare you? People think that you're a worse speller than a scammer. And we've all seen the comments. Like they are just basically illegible because it's just bots writing them.

Win prize, yes, click link. Yeah, like it's just bots that write them and they're like, you know, bad AI designs or fucking whatever. And so it's just like written so badly. Imagine being that bad at spelling and grammar that people are like, well, you know, this badly written AI message seems like it could be Ryan. What do you mean imagine? This is the bullying that's happening to me right now.

Yeah, it is. I thought that was quite funny. I'm glad you did. I bet other people are having a fucking field day. Did you read the top comment on the Facebook page where I explained how to report the page? Go on. Go on.

So I don't have it in front of me, but I made a comment because I was like, make sure you report the page if you come across it. We don't want anyone getting scammed. Because I was taking it quite seriously. I was really worried. You were the only one apparently. Yeah, literally.

One person out of 37,000 that cared about what was going to happen. Thanks for being in our group, but seriously, fuck every single one of you. And I commented and was like, cool, so if you see this person, hit report and then it asks you a series of questions to like, what do you want to report them for? Are they harassing you or whatever? And you actually have to go through and hit impersonating someone

and then the options are impersonating me, impersonating someone I know or impersonating a celebrity. I did say this. I hate this so much. And I told everybody to click impersonating a celebrity and then a drop-down menu comes up and you have to, like, search the celebrity that they're impersonating. But because you're verified on Facebook, you actually come up.

Yeah, so mine's just my personal Facebook and I'm not verified anywhere anyway. Tell me about it, mate. Never hear the end of it. Just saying. I know, I've heard you just say it many times. Well, I'm just saying. Okay, well, she's just saying.

Well, I'm just saying. I've just heard it. Well, I'm just saying. Sorry, I actually can't hear you because you're not verified. I only can hear verified voices. Well, I know that Tanya was an option for additional host. She's verified. Maddie McRae, I think she's verified.

Mitch Coombs is verified. Christian Hull's verified. I was about to say Christian Hull's terrified. Probably both. Probably both. I actually got an email this morning. Yeah. Daughter McDaughter face.

Blue tick. She's verified too. Beautiful little soul. You know that the Kardashians and stuff, like when they look for, when they're picking their kids' names. Is the URL available? They pick the, yeah, username because they're like, oh, cool, know that we've got the URL.

Anyway, and I said you're going to have to select impersonating a celebrity and then pick Rian John because I knew that otherwise they wouldn't take it seriously. And the page actually has been taken down. Has it? As far as I know, yeah. Or maybe they just blocked me and they wouldn't take it seriously. And the page actually has been taken down as far as I know. Or maybe they just blocked me and I can't see it. I think I blocked them for being on any of our pages so they can't see us anymore. Oh, right.

But they commented on every single one of my personal Facebook statuses and tagged all my friends, all my Facebook friends. So people that had wished me a happy birthday fucking five years ago, it's like click to enter competition. And I got messages from people being like, is this real? And I was like, no, it's a scam. And they were like, I'm doing pretty well. You're not even verified.

Now, final comment. And what's that saying? Don't kick a dog while they're down. I've read all this stuff. I've copped a trolling from a grammar. I'm getting teased mercilessly for being verified and whatever. Goonden. Goonden.

Hi, Goonden. You know you've made it when people use your notoriety as a scam. And, Ryan, I know you don't do well with words over five letters. Notoriety means famous. In fairness, famous is still more than five letters. Yeah, you can't. Yeah. Joke's on you, Goondon.

What's it really mean? Goondon. To explain the thing you don't know what it is, here's another thing you also can't comprehend. We need to give him a fighting chance. What about you mean? Gundon. To explain the thing you don't know what it is, here's another thing you also can't comprehend. We need to give him a fighting chance. What about a star? A star is born? No, a star.

Like you don't know notoriety, you don't know famous, but do you know star? You're a star. That's why people are doing it. You think I'm a star? Because you're a star. I brought up this whole segment just to hear you say that. Yep.

Finally. You're a star, darling. The recognition I deserve. Well, I'm not even verified Because you're a star. I brought up this whole segment just to hear you say that. Yep. Finally. You're a star, darling. The recognition I deserve. Well, I'm not even verified. You are an author, though. I'd say that's better. Yeah, it is pretty good. Love that blue tick, though.

All right. Do you want to trade it? I'll give you my blue tick if I can say I wrote your book. No. Author. What did you write? Author, I'm done. Keep the comedy coming.

It's bullshit. I'm Tom. Keep the comedy coming. Bullshit. I hate it. Do you have a You Love To See It? I do. And I fucking love this. You know that saying like, I'll die on this hill? Yeah. Some people pick some weird fucking hills to die on.

Absolutely. And one block. This is his title. He's on like a morning show in the UK or something. And you know how it's always got your job title and it's like. Oh, yeah. Meteorologist. Yeah.

We're talking about properties. We've got a property economist, blah, blah, blah. He's an anti-vegan sausage expert. Hang on. Anti-vegan. Yeah. So against vegans. Yeah.

Sausage expert. So he's a sausage expert. So a meat sausage expert. Yeah. So he's like so pro sausage that he's like, he doesn't like the fakes. He likes a real sausage. Because he's anti-vegan, but he's pro-sausage. That's his take.

And so he's on a TV show to talk about sausages. It must have been like the fucking, I don't want to say sausage fest, the annual sausage competition or something. But he was tricked on live TV and they're like, oh, we've got a beautiful sausage here. How good is it? And they gave him a vegan sausage. Like Beyond Meat or something.

Yeah. And guess what? He fucking loved it. They are really good. Those vegan and vegetarian sausages are fucking awesome. And so he's like, oh, don't give me that crap. Get me a real one. Oh, how good is this?

Takes a big bite and on TV goes, yep, see? Delicious. How good's that? And they go, oh. They actually did. And they're like, just to let you know, bud, that was actually. Beyond me. It was an anti-vegan one.

No, it was a vegan one. So, yeah, it was a vegan one. So to quote you, wasn't it delicious? Our whole thing is you can't taste the difference, so why don't you get down off your high horse, don't die on that hill and just admit that you enjoyed it because you literally just did. What a great ad for them.

Right? Yeah. It's a stunt. We're talking about it. That would be an incredible stunt. No bad press. He has complained to the TV station. Shame, though.

And this is what he says. He's quite upset, apparently. To the TV station. Shame, though. And this is what he says. He's quite upset, apparently. My reputation as the great sausage king is ruined. You ruined it yourself, dickhead.

Thank you. Nah, fuck him. I'm anti-him, anti-vegan sausage king. Well, I love to see him getting roasted. Yeah, nah. I mean, I too love a meaty snack. Me too, but I mean. And a sausage at dinner. But hey, don't die on that hill, you know what I mean?

Like picky battles. A hundred percent. Picky battles. Oh, they taste fine. Sure. Or just like. It's not my personality to not like vegan stuff. Exactly.

But it's like, why be hard up against one when you haven't even tried the other? And then you tried it and you liked it and now you're upset? How fucking fragile is your ego? Wow. To be fair, his title is anti-vegan sausage expert. So what do you think? Yeah, what do you reckon? How many personalities did you try out that didn't fit before you got to that one?

He loves to smoke meats and watch Friends on the weekend. He's never been to Japan. Or Hollywood. Well, to fucking rinse our mouths of that fuckhead, I've got a very lovely, heartwarming story here. My friend Chelsea, actually, we are internet friends. She has followed me and enjoyed everything that I've done in a very lovely way

since I worked at Jason PJ. Okay, so OOG. Yeah, and I follow her back and, like, we've talked about nice restaurants in the area and stuff. Anyway, we get along really well. She sent me a message the other day and said, My gorgeous friend and a girl that I work with is a NICU nurse who's spent her career caring for other people's babies.

She's longed to have a baby of her own and started the process of becoming a solo mum by choice many years ago. After many failed IVF cycles here in Melbourne, her final chance to become a mum was to travel to Cyprus, use a double donor and adopted embryos. Fast forward three and a half months and she's expecting triplets. Holy fuck. She's started this Instagram page to share her triplet journey.

Please feel free to share the page for anyone who might want to follow along. The Instagram is Mama to Three Wise Men. I'll put the screenshot into the episode thread for today. I'm following along so you could even check who I'm following and search it up. Honestly, it is so, so special. And I just thought after your great baby news.

Well, I've got an issue. I'm not stealing anyone's thunder. It sounds like my, well, I don't know where my thunder is. It seems like it's been stolen. She's having triplets by herself. I know. I know the story's good. That's why I'm annoyed you're telling it because it trumps mine.

It doesn't. You had your day yesterday. I want a week. All right, I'll cut this out. Put it in next week's episode. Put it in next Thursday, I reckon. Oh, well, see, I thought that you'd like that it's like baby, baby, baby. Baby.

Well, yeah, she's three of them. We're just a loser with a single child. Just one all the way. But she's a tarpa. Make me feel bad. Yeah. Getting trumped by one of our own. And so I said, do you mind if I share this story on the pod?

I'd love to tell it the day after Ryan's story to make his sound shit. And she said, oh, I'd love it if you shared it on the pod. Anyway, well, I really love to see that story. Sorry that you hated it. No, I'd say it's mixed emotions. Oh, I'll message Chelsea back and just say, could you tell your friend to fucking go fuck herself? What's the friend's name? We don't have that there. We won't. I didn't want's mixed emotions. I'll message Chelsea back and just say, could you tell your friend to fucking go fuck herself? What's the friend's name?

We don't have that there. I didn't want to out her. We won't out the friend, but I'll find them, and I'll let them know what I think of their story. How dare you. But it's a beautiful, beautiful story, and I just thought, oh, don't you love to see someone also just championing what they want?

They went, I want kids. I don't need another person. I just want to do it myself. And, like, so exciting. So beautiful. You don't need no man. No. Well, you just don't need anyone.

If this is what you want to do and you're set up, like, this is great. I hate that that story is so good. Yeah, it is. Yeah. And like I said to you yesterday, it takes a village. So, you know, like. Bring them over. Yeah.

We'll all hang out. We'll look after the triplets. Yeah. We'll dip. Daughter McDaughter face. Triplet Mc... Bring them over. Yeah. We'll all hang out. We'll look after the triplets. Yeah, we'll dip in... Daughter McDaughter face, triplet McTricklet face. Yeah. Oh, fuck, even their name's better than mine. Yeah, it is. Okay, anyway...

Let's finish this episode. It's almost three times better. Sorry. All right. Love you. See you tomorrow. We'll probably fucking do Audio Queen or some shit. Love it.

Yeah, it'll be hump day tomorrow, so, you know, everyone else can have a great story in nine months. I've also been expecting Love it. Yeah, it'll be hump day tomorrow, so, you know, everyone else can have a great story in nine months. I'm also expecting a child. Are you done? No, I don't think so. Okay. What would you like to do? No, I think I'm done now.

See you tomorrow. Love you, bye.