Toni and Ryan - At the Hairdresser and in the Bedroom

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

Things you can say at the hairdresser and also in the bedroom, plus a job that short people can't do. Love you! Toni xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Ah, wie geht's, Annie? Hi. How are you? I'm good, how are you? We're well. Ryan's here as well. Would you like to approve our podcast?

I would love to approve your podcast. Oh, yes! Yes, yes! Hi, it's Annie from Hamburg in Germany, and I approve this podcast. Hi, it's Annie from Hamburg in Germany and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Hello, I'm Tony. I'm Ryan. Welcome. Welcome to the show. If you've never listened before, we're just a couple of friends from Melbourne,

giving this a red hot crack. We're pretty dirty, pretty gross. What else would you say? I don't know. I'm pretty sure that covers everything. It actually really does cover everything. I'd just like to say that Tony is dating some bloke who is not me called Torbs. I'm married to a lady called Bridget who is not Tony.

And often people ask, are we together? Actually, I went to Google myself the other day. Why? And just, you know, keep the ego hot. Been pretty busy. Yeah. We were on holiday. And when I Google Tony, it says, and Ryan dating.

Like that's the first thing. Really? Yeah. And what happens when you click on that? It comes up with a press release from our manager that said, Tony and Ryan are. Like that's the first thing. Really? Yeah. And what happens when you click on that? It comes up with a press release from our manager that said Tony and Ryan are just friends. It's like he knew I need to answer these very specific questions. Brad's like, I've got to hit this off with a pass.

Like it's fine. All right. Today, things you can say at the hairdresser. And also in the bedroom. Again, if this is the first time you're listening, you might not know that Ryan shat on a hairdresser's towel. I didn't shit on the towel. I used the towel in lieu of toilet paper.

Yeah, there was no toilet paper available. He used her beautiful towels from Adair's. It's a horrible, harrowing tale of shitting on a towel. If this is your first episode, I'd like to let you know that Tony yesterday said, I won't bring it up. How far are we into this episode? I said I wouldn't make jokes about it in the segment. This hasn't started yet.

It starts now. Okay. Things you can say to a hairdresser and also in the bedroom. Did you want the full treatment or just a quick blow? Oh. Wow. Yeah. Because you do get to pick.

Consent is important here. You choose what you want and don't want. Do you think you should cut that bit off? What are you referring to? No, don't cut it off. Anything could cut bit off. What are you referring to in the... No, don't cut it off. Anything could cut anything off. I'm going to fly by the seat of my pants. Please don't fly by my pants.

You are highly recommended by my dad. He likes a short back and sides as well. Short back and up the sides. Sorry. The hand. The back and up the sides. Sorry. The hand. The hand. That was the line. Sorry about that.

All right. This is for when you're getting the head massage. Oh, how good is it? Yeah. I wish I could make it feel that good when I'm home by myself. It's so true. Cos, don't you wish that you could massage yourself? You can't replicate it, yeah.

You can't. Do you reckon I could do it to you? Do you reckon I could make it? I'd love you to try. All right, all right, hang on. I'm plugging my headphones. Come over here. Ooh.

Ooh. Oh, you can. Stop it. Stop it. It's, what did you call it Stop it. Stop it. What did you call it when it's... You're going to cum. Six to midnight. You can do it to someone.

That was great. Was that nice? Oh, I've got goosebumps. I'm shivering. Did you do like a hot cumming face in the video? Oh, I forgot that that was being filmed probably. Have you ever like... I think I've talked about this on the podcast before,

but have you ever like when they're doing that, you let out a little, like, and you just, it's fucking awkward and then you've got to burn yourself to the ground and you've got to find your hairdresser. Well, a girl in the group was like, she did, in fact, move hairdressers because during it she went, oh. Even, like, I feel really. Do you find it as a compliment?

Well, and they would get it all the time because it feels so fucking good. And it feels so natural to let out a moan when something does feel good. It's even, like, when you kind of want to shut your eyes and you're a bit like, what? You always shut your eyes. But, like, you kind of... What do you do? Look straight back up their nostrils and stare at them while they massage you?

So you've got your eyes closed, they're massaging you. And you're, oh, I'm actually, like, thinking about it now. It's fucking, oh, and you just can't do it to yourself. Should we go get our hair washed together after the show? No. No. Because I'll start bloody. Your what?

Nothing. Okay. Things you can say at the hairdresser and also in the bedroom. Did you want me to give it a wash before we get started? I would prefer. Wash before you come over. Oh. Sorry, I know we're halfway through,

but would I be able to go to the bathroom? Are you being serious? Or is that a joke? Oh. I didn't know because before we hit record, you were like, oh, I could be a go-after this episode. Nice! Nice!

Very funny and also, I mean, if you need to. Confusing. Yeah, if you need to take a second, mate, all good. This wouldn't have ever happened to you, but maybe it has if you've ever gone through like a blonde tips phase. But I like getting your hair done in a shopping centre is the worst fucking experience because I dye my hair blonde. I'm not a natural blonde, as you can tell from the three metres

of fucking regrowth on my head. It takes many, many hours. Right. And if you go to a hairdresser in a shopping centre, they don't have a toilet. You have to go to the centre bathroom. So you need to walk through the whole thing in your smock. So you've got the K-pop and you're covered in fucking,

you look like you're contacting aliens because you've got all the foil on your head and you're walking through the shopping centre. Oh, jeez, there's more protests and anti-lockdown going on today. Tin foil's out. And I've also walked past people at the entrance wearing the cape and the foil's like having a ciggy because they're obviously halfway through their treatment, they're like, God, I need a hit of nicotine.

Oh, I can't sit around. Can't smoke in the centre. I'm not going to sit here for four hours not having a suck on one of these bad boys. Surely that's not good for your hair. Probably not. I've got no idea.

Let me know if it starts to burn. Oh! As a fake blonde, once again. I have experienced that many times. What, of blokes railing you and it hurting? As a fake blonde, once again, yes. I have experienced that many times. What, of blokes railing you and it hurting? As a fake blonde, yes. Blondes have more fun. I showed you a photo of what I liked,

and this isn't really what I wanted. Oh, that picture, that's the style you wanted me to do? Doggy style? Oh, the bender like Beckham, great. Apparently there was a phase where every bloke just went into the salon and was like, whatever David Beckham's got today, I'll take one of those things. Really?

Yeah, because he was a style icon. got today, I'll take one of those things. Really? Yeah. Because he was a style icon. I mean, he's still kind of it. Did you see the photos recently of his son's wedding? Where he took her name. Yeah, they've hyphenated their names. He's taken her surname as his middle name. Right. And I was like, don't take the kudos for taking her name,

if you're not even going to take it. If you're not going to really do it, yeah. But, oh, David Beckham in a fucking Prada tuxedo, fuck me right up. Yeah, he's a good-looking rooster. Did you want me to give it a zhuzh before you leave? Just a quick one. I hate going home wet. I mean, you came here to get dry.

Wait. No, thank you. What is that sound? Cancel the podcast. That was awful. It's funny how you smile when you're in here, but you cry when you get in the podcast. That was awful. It's funny how you smile when you're in here, but you cry when you get in the car. You know when they hold up the mirror at the back and you go,

I love it, and you get in the car and you burst into tears. Have you on a Saturday morning after a one-night stand got into the Uber and he goes, oh, how's your morning been? And then finally you let it all out, all the tears of regret and shame. He's like, yeah, your hair looks awful. And you go, no, the other thing. No, I was talking about the seven blokes I went home with. Oh, since you were here last, I see you've done some bleaching.

Oh. You'd notice if someone had a haircut, wouldn't you? Like. Yeah. Yeah. Or if it was a bit different, you've got to try and summon you. Wow. See what's going on here.

Yeah, I'll have the David Beckham. Oh, I think I've got some hair in my mouth. You've got to hate that. It's a long one. It's cool that the apprentice comes in and cleans up after I've come. Come in, like come into the salon. Of course. in and cleans up after I've come?

Come in. Like, come into the salon. Of course. What a terrible job. You've got to do that before four years before you can have a crack yourself. Learn from the best. Oh, the person that taught me didn't do it like that. Each to their own. Everyone's got their own style.

I'm going to pop the cape on so I don't get anything on my clothes. Very wise. I don't know if I should say her name. You know I used to work with Tanya Hennessy, the Ryan and Tanya show. Yes. She went to. She's so funny. So she was getting a massage or something, like some kind of wellness thing.

Yeah. And the guy comes in wearing a cape. Like a protective cape? No, like a magician's cape. Oh! And he's like, oh, I've just got to get into the zone to work my magic and healing powers. And she was like, okay, you do you, bro.

And he'd be like, I've already paid. I might as well stay. I might as well stay here and see what the whole deal is. Oh, the last time I came, it took three hours. Big day. Big day. Need a lot of Gatorade. Lost a lot of fluids.

During it, I had to walk through the shopping centre to go to the bathroom. And have a sticky. Oh, it's a long Saturday afternoon in here, isn't it? All right, now I'll just get you to tilt your head back. And then what? And then I'll get started. Oh, I'd prefer if you didn't wave those scissors around. To be fair, though, my scissoring skills are great.

Oh. those scissors around? To be fair, though, my scissoring skills are great. Are you okay? That's done me. That's done you. Wow. Oh, it's a lot shorter than I wanted. It's surprising how much difference just an extra inch or two makes, doesn't it? Yeah, I wanted to keep it long.

And this is not it. You've come in very short. If you'd like bangs, you've come to the right place. As someone who was bullied online mercilessly for my bangs, I really appreciate that. Poor Torbs. When I try it myself, it's always, like, limp. No-one really gets it to stand like you do.

You can never get it as good as they get it. Yeah. They're it. Yeah. They're professionals. Yep. Pay the big bucks, that's why. Pay monkeys, get peanuts? Is that the? No.

Pay peanuts, get monkeys, I think. It's grown a bit since I was here last. No, it hasn't. I was talking about my fat guts, not my microvenous. And you've been trimming it on. You might even be short. Hi, it's Annie from Hamburg in Germany and you are listening to Tony and Brian.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. On tomorrow's episode of Tony and Ryan, normal or nah for a Wednesday. I love normal or nah.

There's some controversy about a word that's used in every country in the world. Because our podcast reaches many people in many different regions, there's a brouhaha about a certain word that's been used. Love the use of the term brouhaha, by the way. Thank you. That's not it. Oh.

Okay. Normal or nah? The use of the word brouhaha. Normal. Great. I always forget about it. You know when someone says something really cool or really edgy and you're trying to like work it into your.

Work it in. And so I only talk pretty much to you and my boyfriend, Torbs. Correct. And so if I say something new, either you'll be like, oh, that's new, or like, oh, you've said that twice this week. You can't say that again. Like last week I said it does what it says on the tin like three times and you called me out on it and so did Torbs.

Good. And we were both correct in doing so. It's a good saying though. I think I used to get a lot of, and I think brouhaha might be one of them. Yeah. Not deliberately, but I think a lot of what I will call Dave Lettermanisms. Oh, okay. Because he used to use some funny words and they kind of just were incepted into me.

Yeah, because you hear it and you go, oh, that's great. I love that. I love that saying. I love that thing. Yeah, I'll start working that into my vocab. Yeah, love that. Can I tell you a story about that? Please.

When I met, and I don't mean to name drop, I hung out with Jimmy Barnes. He is like sort of adopted, like he was raised by his stepfather and he himself had adopted children. So when I was doing a thing about adoption, he was like we had this big chat about adoption and stuff. That's awesome. Yeah, and like so open, so lovely.

And because his childhood was so interrupted and all over the place and they moved from Scotland out to Australia when he was a young kid, he described his childhood as harrowing. And I thought, I like that word. Is that where that's come from? And it's stuck. Jimmy Barnes. And it's stuck.

And now I feel like an idiot. Every time someone teases me, I'm like, I got that from Jimmy Barnes and I thought it was really nice. And a great descriptor. Obviously, there's a volume of which you can use a word before it gets a bit much. And you've hit that. Maybe I've stepped over the line a few times.

It's very funny that you say that because just before you mentioned that you used to work with Tanya Hennessy. Yeah. And I obviously follow her on Instagram. She's great. And she uses the word harrowing a lot. Well, I've incepted her from Jimmy Barnes. Yeah.

From Jimmy to me to Tan. Yeah. So every time she posts on her Instagram story like, oh, this thing happened, it was harrowing, I'm like, I wonder who gave it to who. Or Jimmy Barnes gave it to both of us. Because that happened when we were working together. Yeah.

So that's so funny because every time she says it, I'm just like. I'll text her saying, Jimmy wants her word back. Yeah. A big thank you to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Tisha Ahumada, Brooklyn Harnish, Emily Bradfield, Jessica Milcage, Emily Racher and Tony Bergen-Woods. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. You fucking love to see it.

When I was stuck in COVID in isolation, I had a lot of time to. Not even in your own house. No. That's harrowing. In a foreign land. Fuck. A lot of time to think, you know, collect thoughts. So you've had like an introspective time.

Soul search. Yeah, right. And here's my discovery. Oh, my God. What is it? The three hardest And here's my discovery. Oh, my God. What is it? The three hardest things for humans to say. Oh. As in, like, I love you.

Yep. Well, I can tell you the three if you'd like. Oh, okay. I love you. Oh, my God. Got it in one. The soul search has come up with amazing results. The word was easy today.

Got it straight away. The three hardest things for humans to say. Number three, I was wrong. I knew that was going to, yeah. Number three. Because that's very hard for you to say. Number two, I need help. Yeah.

And the number one hardest thing to say is, what's that medical van truck that takes you to the hospital? The paramedic car. What's it called? Ambulance. Sorry? I need help.

I was wrong to make you do that. Fuck, I'm funny. I'm so funny. You are very funny. Yeah, fuck. I love that. Speaking of hospitals, I had to get a PCR before I went to New Zealand, which is ironic because then I went there and got it.

Got COVID. So, like, at the airport or, or like you had to do a rat test? No, the day before I had to get a PCR from a doctor. Oh, so you couldn't just do a rat. You had to actually, fuck. Yes, there was a lot of protocols. I didn't even know that you could still get PCR tests. They're actually harder to get than, because when I got.

They're actually harder to get. Hey, hey. Sorry you've had COVID. Thank you. Sorry. But when I got COVID, did a rat, and then the New Zealand Health said, oh, just to confirm and so we can do some tracing, can you go get a PCR?

Actually, no, because every place we went, they're like, oh, we don't do this anymore. Yeah, they're really hard to find. Well, I had COVID as well. Yeah, have you got COVID, mate? In January. So before I go over to New Zealand, I go to the doctor here in Melbourne to do the PCR,

and I get to the desk of the doctors. What doctor did you go to? The same one you go to, Richard Medical. Did you? Oh, it's a good doctor. I'll be Pat the name. You know how there's like. I hate getting papped at the doctor, unless I'm going for a pap.

Unless you're getting smeared. Yeah. Get a bagel and have a schmear. There is an artist cafe at the front. I've never smeared. Yeah. Get a bagel and have a schmear. There is an artist cafe at the front. I've never been there. What's it called? The bespectacled something? I'm not sure.

It's just that one around the corner. Yeah, I know the one you're talking about. So the reception at the doctor. Yeah. The bench is quite high. It's so high. And we get there and there's no one there. Oh. So we're just like there's no one there. Oh.

So we're just like, oh, it's okay. We'll just wait a few minutes. You're like, I'll just sit down or, yeah. We just stood there and waited for a bit. And about maybe four or five minutes had passed. And there's a bell. But like. Oh, you can't be that guy.

You can't push the bell. You cannot be that person. And bells, they're like on or off. You can't like softly touch it because they just go off. It's gone. It's gone. And especially if it's one of the like ding bell, like at a hotel concierge, you ding it and it just sounds passive aggressive.

It does. Hello. You can't unpassively aggressively hit the ding a ding. You can't. It's like, you know how when you beep the horn in your car, you can kind of do a little beep beep and it's fine. It's just kind of like, oh, the light's gone green, babe. How about you take off?

Hey, mate, here we go. Yeah. Or you can go like, beep, what the fuck, you've cut me off, whatever. Not that I would ever do that because I don't like to make a fuss. I've seen you driving, mate. That's where you find me. But I don't beep. No, you yell and scream and wave fists.

No, I do not. You have done that. Oh, I don't. Do I need to film you driving? You have with Christian Hull in the car. Okay, I do not. You have done that. Oh, I don't. Do I need to film you driving? You have with Christian Hull in the car. Oh, okay, I should post that. Anyway, you can kind of like change the tone of the beep, but a bell, you're fucking dinging or you're not.

But after four or five minutes, I'm like, I don't want to be rude, but like surely there's someone just around the corner who just hasn't noticed I'm here. And that's what the bell's for. That's what the bell's for. That's what the bell's for. So they shouldn't take that in a rude way. They should be like, okay, they've pressed the bell because I'm out here having a cup of tea. Yeah.

Now, I know it's very Ryan-like and very Tony-like for me to have these concerns and anxious moments about the bell. Yeah, that's a really good point. Oh, no, I've rubbed off on you in the worst way. I'll rub off on you later. So I pushed the bell. Yeah, that's a really good point. Oh, no, I've rubbed off on you in the worst way. I'll rub off on you later. So I pushed the bell and this lady from behind the desk just goes, oh, hey, how can I help you? Poor thing. She was about five foot two.

She was just sitting there. Because they sit at that reception. And it's a standing height thing Yeah And she just pops out and goes G'day mate, got an appointment? Like yep, Ryan and Bridget, 3.30 She goes yep

And then me and Bridget looked at each other and were like I think she was here the whole time But how did she not fucking realise you were there? I think she's on the computer doing computer stuff You know, she's booking stuff in, whatever it is that she does It's on the computer. And she didn't see us because of the desk being so high. She couldn't see over it.

Do you need to see the doctor? Sorry about that. Oh, my God. I don't have COVID. Sorry about that. Yeah. She didn't see you because. Yeah, because she was sitting down and we were above the height of the desk

because she's so little. But how did she not notice that you were standing? Like it's like when you can feel someone looking at you, like you can feel it. So here's the thing. And we went, okay, righto. She goes, yep, can you just grab a seat over here and the doctor will be with you in a moment.

Yeah. So we go and sit down and then this other person comes up. Same fucking thing happens. And I'm like, fuck me. Like this has happened all day. Like poor thing. It's not her happened all day. Like, poor thing. It's not her fault. The desk is a standing desk.

It's a high desk. Yeah, it is really tall. And also when you walk up to a reception, you don't walk all the way up and peer over. No, because it's COVID. You kind of like hang back. You like stay a metre and a half back from the thing. So you actually can't see over it.

I know because I've been to that doctor. And so I'm sitting in the waiting room and I can see this mother with her baby. And so you kind of want to be like, hey, doll. I did. Oh, did you? So after a few minutes, like I was just watching this in real time. Because it's awkward as fuck.

I was just in the situation. So I walked over and said to the receptionist, like, hey, there's someone here. Like, hey, do you just want to? That's a dick thing to do. Is it? I thought I was being helpful. How did she respond to that?

She goes, oh, sorry, man. How can I help you? You got an appointment? And she goes, yeah, me and my baby, you know. Vaccination, whatever. Yeah. And then they went and sat down like nothing had ever happened. And I'm like, does this happen every day?

Like all day every day? And am I an arsehole for pointing that? And should I have stood there for the rest of the afternoon? And just given her, let her know? Yeah. But how is she? I don't know. Like that's not great.

How tall are you? Oh, I don't know. Like 155 centimetres. What's that? Five foot three? I can Google it. Because you're not tall, like 155 centimetres. What's that, 5 foot 3? I can Google it. Because you're not tall, but you're not tiny, tiny. I'm not tiny, tiny. But you're definitely closer to tiny than tall, right?

Definitely. 5 foot 8. You're not 5 foot 8. Oh, then it might be, it's 5-0-8. So is that 5'1"? It must be. So just below 5'8". She must be just below 5'1".

If you're shorter than Tony, you can't work in reception. Oh. Or reception. So my bloody dreams have been dashed. That's all I've ever wanted to do. It's just been coughed on by sick people at the reception. So my bloody dreams have been dashed. That's all I've ever wanted to do. She's been coughed on by sick people at the reception. At the doctors. But the poor thing, it wasn't her fault.

But, oh, God. But is that happening all the time? Is she still there? Has she gone home for the day or is she just waiting for someone to come? To let her know she can leave? Oh, my God. That's insane. Oh, I like that you kind of helped out that woman

because she would have stood there doing the exact same thing you did. She'd still be there. She'd still be there. What have you loved to see this week? I've got a recommendation. So we've had about a week off, and there's been a few long weekends in Aussie over the last two weekends. There have been two long weekends, one for Easter and one for Anzac Day.

And Torbs and I, we've been binging TV like it's fucking... Going out of fashion? Yes, like it is going out of fashion. Love that turn of phrase. Thank you. Well done. Thank you. Gogglebox Australia.

Really? We have gone back to the beginning of Gogglebox. So if they don't have... Oh, like season one, like way back. It's old news. You're old news, mate. You don't know what Gogglebox is. It's literally like they play little, like really cut down versions of the TV

and it's like Australians sitting on their couch reacting to what they're watching on telly. So Gogglebox is now, there's a celebrity Gogglebox in the US. So I think people around the world. Oh, it's like a thing everywhere? Yeah, I think so. Oh my God, so. This is the non-celebrity, but they're just people.

It's just the people. I mean, they're celebrities now. All the people on it are fucking famous now. But we were watching it from the beginning. So we're seeing them react to news from like five, six years ago. From season one of The Bachelor. Yes, yes. Oh, that's so good.

What a recommendation. It's actually amazing. And we've just been binging it because it's so like turn your brain off. What a time capsule. But also it's been a really good conversation starter because they're saying, oh, they're thinking of introducing this XYZ law or this XYZ community project.

Homosexuals getting married. Yeah. And we're able to reflect on how it went and what we do now. And so Torbs and I have been having really, really good fucking, like we watch it and then we pause it and we start chatting. We've been having really fucking good conversations because we're able to like retrospectively reflect on like how it went. That is fascinating.

Yeah. It was really good. I fucking recommend it. That's a great recommendation. Yeah, thank you. That's fine. What episode is this? 120 I fucking recommend it. That's a great recommendation. Yeah, thank you. That's fine. What episode is this? 120 years?

Fuck off. Hey, here's a recommendation that I'm going to implement. We're going head to head here. Okay. And this isn't what to watch. This is what to do. Oh. And I could almost cry reading this because it's actually that beautiful.

So bear with me. I'm just emotional. I've had COVID. Oh. This girl has just turned 18. Yep. And as a present. A listener? Or this is like a story you saw? No, just a lady in had COVID. Oh. This girl has just turned 18. Yep. And as a present. A listener or this is like a story you saw?

No, just a lady in the US. Yep. Her dad, for her 18th birthday, gives her an email address and a password. Right? Do you know this? No, but I can fucking imagine what it is. The dad has been emailing this address every birthday, every Christmas, every special event.

He's been attaching photos of his daughter and saying, oh, today you graduated primary school. I'm so proud of you, blah, blah. So it's like a time capsule of all these people. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I warned you. No, that's okay.

Yeah. And now she gets the password. So every, like, special thought he's ever had about her. He emailed it to this address over the last 14 years. So it's like, hey, we've just had Christmas together. The aunts and uncles came around. Here's a photo of you in the pool. You loved that Barbie car we got.

Yeah, all that kind of stuff. And now she gets to log in as an 18-year-old and read all these beautiful things that her dad said. And don't you bloody love to see that? And the thing that I really like about that is that, like, it can never get lost in a fire. Like, it's all online so you know that, like, it's never going to get damaged in a flood or...

Yep. Oh. I can't even meow. Must be bad. How beautif meow. Must be bad. How beautif meow. How heart warm meowing. No, is that? Yeah.

Yeah, I'll pay that. We'll pay that. All right, we'll see you tomorrow. Bye. Love you.