Toni and Ryan - Balcony bangers are back

Episode Date: February 13, 2022

My neighbours are at it again and they're happy to celebrate Valentines Day. Plus - did I buy Ryan a shit gift or not?! Love ya! T xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Emma, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Good time to you guys. Well, Emma, it's so good to chat to you, but would you be able to approve this podcast for us? Yeah, of course I would. Oh, my God.

How did it go? My heart is, my God. You had it going. My heart is in my mouth. My God, Tony, Emma and Ryan from now on. Hey, it's Emma from South London and I approve this podcast. Tony Lodge. Good morning. Happy Valentine's Day to you. Happy Valentine's Day.

I couldn't think of anyone more in the world I'd love to spend today with. Thank you. I bought you a coffee and a little hash brown hot cross bar. Do you want to know something freaky? Always. This is going to freak US people out. Yeah. It's Monday, but because we're in Australia and we're like four days ahead with the time zone,

it's the day after the Super Bowl, but we don't know who won yet because it hasn't happened in Australia. Oh, it's the Super Bowl. Super Bowl this weekend. Yeah. Is it? It's Sunday night in the US, but again, because of the time difference, we don't get the results until Tuesday afternoon.

Oh, we should have made some fucking chicken wangs or something. Some what? Some chicken wangs. Chicken wangs. I'm going to call chicken wangs. Chicken wangs. Chicken wangs. That's what I'm going to call them for the rest of my life.

Yeah, you're welcome. We do have a sexy story from Tony coming up and that's all I know. Yes. Do I need to know anything else? No. Nah. All I need to know anything else? No. Nah. All right. It's enough.

Also, last week there was chat about your shit gift that you gave to me. Okay. And we'll have a chance to get to that, so if I can sit down. All right. But a lot of feedback has come through from people in the Tony and Ryan podcast community. It wasn't a shit gift, but thank you. We'll get to that later. A lot of feedback.

But first, it is Valentine's Day. Do you want to set the scene of Kate Winslet? So on Thursday last week, if you heard, we watched Zombieland for our movie of the week, and Bill Murray in the movie plays himself, and Ryan started talking about great actors that have played themselves in movies and TV, and one of his favourites was... Number one.

Number one was Kate Winslet in the TV show Extras. Yep. And she's dressed as a nun, she's on set, and Ricky Gervais and his mate are talking about, like, how to send a sexy text to someone you're trying to tune. I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas, you know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore.

Rattle off the old classics, like like I'm playing with my dirty pillows. I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb, Ferret, and then go straight in hard, like get round here because I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it. Right? Yeah. I'm glad we set that up because, you know, Kate Winslet, right? Yeah.

You know, she's in Titanic. Bang. And then so Ryan sent me the challenge of using the phrase purple-headed womb ferret on my boyfriend Torbs. And then we Googled purple-headed womb ferret and it said, let me put my purple-headed womb ferret in your vertical bacon smile. So Ryan had to use that in a sentence to Bridget over the week and I had to use purple-headed womb-farer in a sentence to Torb.

Should I go first? Sure. You normally come first. And that's it? And then nothing else. So with, you know, Valentine's Day in mind, I thought I'd try and, you know. It was a bit easier to, like, snake it in, I feel. Don't say snake it in under these circumstances.

Sorry. You know it's Valentine's Day coming up. We don't do Valentine's Day. We don't even give each other a smile. What's going on? I thought the purple-headed womb ferret might say hello to the vertical bacon smile. Gerrit might say hello to the vertical bacon smile.

Can I kiss your little bacon, vertical bacon smile? Wait. Happy Valentine's Day. Flowers would have survived. Tony looks horrified. Can I give you a little kiss on the, oh, my God. It's so graphic. I pan God. It's so graphic. I panicked.

It was so unnatural. I love that. You can hear the second that Bridget knows that you're, like, recording. Is this a bit? Am I? What are you doing? It's very, because it's, I mean, it's not normal for anyone to just go, hey, baby, how's the fucking purple? But, hey, don't you get on your high horse because I haven't heard yours yet.

No. But it's so funny because I obviously am, like, disgusting, as you know. But the second that I have to record something, I literally was, like, it took me hours to actually ask because I'm, like, dancing around the house like, oh, Torbs. I was texting you saying, have you done it yet? And you're like, no, no, no. I was freaking out. I was freaking out. And then you're like,? And you're like, no, no, no. I was freaking out.

I was freaking out. And then you're like, Torbs is on to me. He's freaked out because I'm freaked out. So what have we, do we need to know anything or we just roll the tape here? Just go. Oh, fucking hell. I have to go out, you know how I'm going out for dinner with Ryan's wife and Catherine for dinner.

What? Yes. Maybe after when I get home, we could do it together. Oh, yeah, okay. Maybe you could show me your purple-headed womb ferret. What? Nothing. Do you want to know?

Sure. The point of this exercise was to use the term not to get yourself laid. He was like, oh, what's that? And you're like, don't worry about it. But we're on, right? This is happening. But literally the same.

I was just like, sorry? And I'm like holding my phone like, so did you? You couldn't look more. I love that you were just like, as soon as he was like, what? You were like, nothing, nothing, no, no, no, don't worry about it. But also when I'm saying, you know how I'm going for dinner tonight? Like, I was so awkward. I never get like that.

Why are you? Well, I just saw you order a coffee and it was very awkward. It's not awkward. I'm polite. But, like, so polite. Like, aggressively polite. I was just like, she gets it, mate. awkward. I'm polite. But like so polite, like aggressively polite. I was just like, she gets it, mate. No, it's not.

No, it's nice. No, that fuck off. Anyway, I believe we can declare the purple-headed womb ferret a success. It was fun. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone else. So actually on Friday night, I did go out for dinner with your wife and another girlfriend of ours and... What, you were chasing a couple of purple-headed womb ferrets

around the bar? A couple of ladies on the town? No, well, I got home at around 10.30 or so. It was like a bit of a late one. And I got home and I had to watch the rest of the fucking movie for this week. Yes. So I'm sitting on the couch.

It's like 11 o'clock, trying to watch this movie. Torbs is like on his phone or whatever. And all of a sudden the next door neighbours start playing like sexy 70s music. Oh. Yeah, so there's a bit of, you know, like. Would we have something like that in the computer here? Oh, maybe.

What's that guy? Marvin Gaye? Yeah, like it was kind of like that, but it was like. A bit of that, a bit of sexy sax kind of thing. Would you just describe it as as soon as you heard the music, you knew exactly what was going on? Well, yeah, because it came out of nowhere and i've talked before about um neighbors doing it quite loudly um and that we were maybe they're trying to drown you out with the sound of the sax what were they

trying to drown me out for i wasn't doing they're trying to drown out their sex with their sax um and have tony light me up on her podcast again. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so I've talked about that before. So we heard the sax. And that turned you on a little bit, doesn't it? Well, at the time it did, yes. But anyway, we heard the music start and I was like, what the fuck? We had the door open and stuff because it was hot. We're just watching this movie.

I wasn't really thinking about it. Anyway, we hear them start to get it on. Oh, so it was. Yeah, right. Okay. Yeah, they started to get it on anyway. And she's what it was. Yeah, right. Okay. Yeah, they started to get it on anyway. And she was having an incredible time by all accounts. And this was the same one as like?

I don't know, but I'm assuming so. You didn't ask what their name was and they were finished? No, obviously. Oh, yeah. Oh, just for reference, are you the ones from last time? Went for a bit longer. Maybe, but wouldn't you, like, recognise the sound? But it doesn't really sound like, you know,

if you heard someone talking, you'd probably recognise their voice. But here, like, it just sounds like everyone sounds like that when they're having, like, don't you reckon? What do they sound like? I'm not doing it. I wouldn't know what a woman sounds like. Mate, come round to my fucking house and you'll hear it. Oh, excuse me.

Not with me. What? I was going to sit in the spare room while you were in Torbs going, get your purple womb ferrets out. Oh, my God. Anyway, anyway, anyway. So you could tell that these neighbours were celebrating Valentine's Day early, which is very sweet.

Anyway, this woman is having a wonderful and consensual time from the sounds of it and they've got this music cranking, it's happening. Anyway, it was going for about ten minutes. Right. So they're probably like three songs in and I'm like, fucking hell, like you need to calm down. It's getting louder and louder and you're kind of hearing like,

because it sounded a bit like they were outside, so you're kind of hearing like, because it sounded a bit like they were outside, so you're kind of hearing like the fucking patio furniture like. Jeez. Like moving around. Yeah, it was fucking graphic. Sidebar, if you were making a sexy playlist, how many songs would you put on that? Oh, good question.

Because I don't know, you know, you're like, oh, just that one four-minute ballad. That'll do. Yeah, that'll do. Well, I don't know, but it's. Because after three or four songs, you're like, oh, fuck, what four-minute ballad. That'll do. Yeah, that'll do. Well, I don't know. But it's, you know. Because after three or four songs, you're like, oh, fuck, what did I put on this playlist?

What's coming up next? Yeah, what else is on there? Yeah, there's a podcast. But you know how inside Spotify there's, like, dinner party playlist? Yes. Like, they make and curate their own. It sounded a bit like it was, like,

sexy night playlist or something because it was, like like just a few songs like that in a row. How funny that that is someone's job. Yes. What do you do? I get people off. Yeah. There's a few people's jobs, I guess. Yeah, that's not what's been legalised in Victoria this week.

Sexual work. So. Anyway, so there are about three songs in and she's fucking, she's loving it. She's loving it sick. And obviously the mood's fucking hot because they've got the music on and everything. Anyway, she sounds like she's about to fucking go.

All right. Or come. She's travelling. She's travelling. And the song finishes and a Spotify ad plays. Should have got premium, bud. The song finishes. She's like, oh, oh.

And it's like, have you thought about entering the competition? Well, someone's thought about entering and it's the guy on top of the ride. Hey, it's Emma from South London and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Tomorrow on the show, things you can say whilst cleaning. Yes. And also in the bedroom. I mean, how many times can you say something's dirty? Yeah, I know.

And a word of warning. What? I have brought a visual aid for a gag. Oh. Yeah. Nice. And by gag, I mean joke. So that's tomorrow on the show. gag. Oh. Yeah. Nice. And by gag I mean joke. So that's tomorrow on the show.

Did you really? Yeah. That's a lot of planning from you. Yeah. I was planning to do it yesterday before that guy kicked us out of our own studio. Well, yeah, there was a bit of an issue. We are going to talk about that. There was a bit of an issue yesterday.

We'd like to thank our champion tapas there. All right. Adelina Rose Martinez, Yannick Parisien, Rihanna Shoemaker, and Rachel Cowrie. Thank you so, so much for your support over at our Patreon. Got a lot of exclusive content over there, some bonus episodes. The only Patreon's here, so if you would like to have a look at that, you can, patreon.com.au.

Also, in the bonus episode on Patreon, because both of our partners aren't subscribed, that's where we get to bag them out. Yeah. But hi, Torbs. Hi, Bridget. Thanks for listening and your support. Yeah, thank you so much.

And I always say to Torbs, like, even if you don't listen, can you download it so that we get the numbers? What a nice guy. Yeah, he's good. Someone said, now this wasn't going to be in the feedback, and sorry that I don't have this ready, but someone said, every time I hear about Torbs it makes me hate my own partner so much more.

Why? Because my boyfriend slash guy I've been doing it with for a year, he's so emotionally unavailable that I have dreams that in one day he'll become like Torbs and be a really supportive man. He won't. You can't change him. No, you don't turn into that. No.

You're either that or you're not. I would break up with him, babe. You're either born a Torbz or you're not, mate. Exactly. And I stand by that. Oh, poor Torbz. Not poor Torbz. Lucky Torbz.

Lucky me, I guess. Yeah. Oh, lucky me. Lucky your neighbour. Oh, my God. People want my boyfriend. They do. Yeah, lucky my neighbour.

Fuck. The ad. Oh, my God. So, I know, that is so good. We in the Tony and Ryan podcast Facebook group are almost up to 20,000 people. I know.

And someone commented on an old video in there and it was you when we ticked over 1,000. 1,000 people. And you're like, what the fuck? This is the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened. I actually remember recording that video and being beside myself that I couldn't believe that 1,000 people were in the group and I'm actually speechless.

Should we do like a something? Like a podcast? Okay. God, you're in a bad mood today. What's wrong? Don't tell me I'm in a bad mood. That'll put me in a bad mood. Oh, my God, it's happening.

You've done it to me. You've incepted my moods. I didn't because you were already doing it because you went, oh, why do I do a podcast? Hey, lots of great feedback this week. It doesn't sound like it. Well, it's interesting. For Christmas, you got me a tile because I always lose my wallet.

It's one of these things where if you lose it, you push the button on the app and it beeps and then you can find it. Last week I needed to use it, so I pushed the button. It said, sorry, your wallet's not nearby. And I'm like, I know, that's the point. I will let you know that Tile have emailed me weekly and said, because they subscribed me to their newsletter. You're welcome.

What's going on in Tile News that it needs a weekly newsletter? And they're like, oh, and there's a Facebook community where we can chat all things Tile. Oh, I'll bet you they don't have 20,000 people in their community. What are they going to talk about? So I said, has anyone else got a shit gift? That wasn't a shit gift. Can I please defend myself?

That is not a shit gift. Granted. It's a great thought. Granted, we didn't maybe really understand how it worked. What I will say is the thought was perfect. You know me. It's actually practical. I'll use it all the time.

Well, apparently not. Now you think it's a shit gift. Now I'm in a bad mood. Your choice of gift was excellent. Their execution of their product, lacking. Maybe for this Christmas I'll buy you Apple AirTags. Apparently they're better. I've been doing some research.

Really? Yep. Okay. Well, this is to make you feel better because I can confirm that you haven't purchased the worst 100 gifts from the Tarpers because the people in the group have been like, oh, you think that's bad? Check this shit out.

Oh, my God. Kristen, every year my family buys me bath bombs and they all think it's hilarious because I hate baths. I don't have a bath in my house and seriously, who in their right mind wants to lay there naked in your own filth with your bits and bobs flopping and floating around? I mean, when you say it like that, Kristen. I'm offended because I love a bath.

I love my bits and bobs floating around. Yeah. But that's not funny. No, she doesn't find it funny. It would be like your family buying you a fucking hot chook from Coles and you'd be like, I'm a vegan. Like, I don't like this. Like, I actually, I just really don't understand

why they think that's funny. I now have a full drawer of bath bombs that I don't use and it's taking up space in my apartment. They all think it's funny. Even before I've unwrapped it, they're all giggling. This has been going on for years and I fucking hate it. That is such a dumb, your family's fucked. Get adopted like Ryan. But you know, you could re-gift those bath bombs. Oh, I thought you were going to say you could re-gift the child like I was re-gifted. But, like, because they can get expensive. You could re-gift them to other girlfriends and be like, oh, I bought you this beautiful Lush bath bomb.

That's a great idea. Or, like, flip them on Facebook Marketplace or eBay. Flip them? That's so funny, yeah. Libby Nagel. My sister's name's Libby. Really? Yeah.

Is her last name Nagel? No. Good, not relevant. My husband's name's Libby. Really? Yeah. Is her last name Nagel? No. Good, not relevant. My husband bought me a bag of cabbage seeds. She loves cabbage as food. Yeah. And he's like, oh, I know that you love cabbage. I'll buy you some cabbage seeds.

I like eating them, says Libby, but I've never bothered to plant them because it seems lame and boring and also because I'm not from the 18th century. I find that quite endearing actually. That's quite sweet. But, and what I will say, like if Bridget, my wife, loved cabbage, it might make sense for her because you were at our house yesterday. There's lots of plants and she likes, like she's into growing stuff

and we've got tomatoes out the back and all the vegetation stuff. Yeah. If they're not into that kind of thing. It's a weird present. Because for me, if someone gave me seeds, I'm like, oh, fuck, you've just given me an extra to-do list item. Yeah, but also if you got a pouch of seeds for your birthday, you'd be like, fuck, was it the day before payday?

Like you couldn't even afford a whole cabbage from fucking Carl's. You couldn't afford for someone to grow them for me before I ate them. Yeah. That is annoying. That's really annoying. Hayley Noodle. Can I just say, though, is this making you appreciate the tile more? Because the tile turns out not as shit a gift as fucking cabbage seeds

and a bath bomb you hate? Yes. Thank you. Yeah. Good. A bit of perspective is all you need. Hayley Noodle. Hayley Noodle.

Classic. When I was 15 This is so fucking dumb Oh my god Sorry to Mrs Noodle But you've really Done yourself in Hayley Noodle

When I was 15 My mum bought me a car That didn't work And said I could fix it up Which again For the right person Great gift Hayley Noodle

I have no interest in mechanics. I have no skills to repair. I have no place to put the car and do the repairs and no money to put into it because I'm 15 years old. She was 15 years old at the time. Basically, mum's just lumped a hunk of junk and was like, oh, fucking happy birthday, mate. Yeah, and I bought you a car, technically.

Yeah, don't come back and be like, oh, all the other kids have been given cars when they've allowed to drive. Where's my car? Well, your car's sitting in the drive, man. You go out the front and you don't want to fix it. I mean, it's technically just four doors and three wheels. You need to put an engine and an extra wheel in there. But what a fucking strange thing to do.

Apart from the fact that it's a shit gift because she couldn't do anything with it, surely that's a safety issue. Because, say, a Hayley Noodle goes out there and she fucking hits it with a hammer a couple of times and goes yeah that should be right that that's not safe it sounds like labor yeah i've got you a job like i've got you a gift what is it it's a job oh how much do i get paid nothing but it's hard work and you're not going to enjoy it oh thanks can't wait till christmas yeah cheers see mate tile, not so bad. Hey, mate.

Thanks for your time. Yeah. That's what I fucking thought. I'm glad that you asked other people for their shit gifts because now I feel better about the tile. Yeah, I'm happy for you. You know what I love to see? What? E-scooters.

Mate, don't fucking get me started. How much time do we have? We've got three minutes. I love the e-scooters. We are e-scooter enthusiasts. Yeah, we are fucking e-scooter positive. I don't own a car. I'm not like Tony.

Don't just have, you know, splash cash around. But I have been using the... Okay, I have a 2013 Toyota Yaris. So I've been using the e-scooter to get to work. So good. They're so quiet because they're electric. Like, I wouldn't... Like, when you hear...

What, you don't like a loud scooter? No, but, like, it's... You know when you first walk past a Tesla or a Toyota Prius, it's actually, like... Silent. You're like, is that just rolling and it's not turned on? Yeah, what's going on? It sort of Tesla or a Toyota Prius, it's actually like... Silent. You're like, is that just rolling and it's not turned on? Yeah, what's going on? It sort of takes you a while to go, oh, that's what it is.

Yeah, I see what you mean. And they're so smooth and so good. And then the other day we were recording something and Tony rolls in and like, oh, how'd you get here? Where'd you park? You're like, mate. Mate, scooter. E-scooter. How good is it?

I was puffed. It was hard work for me, but... I don't want to keep banging on about the Patreon exclusive episode, but you were puffed and I reminded you that it's an electric scooter. You don't need to push it. Bro, yes, you do. It's electric. You still need to push it to get started, though. One push.

No. Well, I was doing it wrong then because I pushed a lot. So Tony comes in hot and sweaty. I was so red. Yeah, and I was like, you know that the electricity does the work. Hang on, let's not give it away for free. If you want to listen to it. It does my head in. It does my head in. Yeah, and I was like, you know that the electricity does the work. Hang on, let's not give it away for free. If you want to listen to it. It does my head in.

It does my head in. No, they are great. And I love seeing people fucking scooting around the city and stuff. It's fucking awesome. My You Love to See It for today is a recommendation for a TV show called Only Murders in the Building. Yeah, it's very, very good. It's got Martin Short, Steve Martin and...

Was it made in 1992? No, and Selena Gomez in it. It's like a year old. And there's like a... They're podcast enthusiasts, like murder mystery podcast enthusiasts. And then a murder happens in their building and it's them like a... They're in their own story. Yeah, it's them like they start making a podcast about it.

It's really, really good. Is this Podception? We're a podcasting recommending a show about a podcast. Yeah, it's them like they start making a podcast about it. It's really, really good. Is this Podception? We're a podcast recommending a show about a podcast. Yeah. You're welcome. I like that. Now I'm intrigued. You'd really like it. Really? I'll give you my login for Disney+. Oh, it's Disney+. It is. Oh, yeah. Disney+.

That does sound good. Yeah, you'd really like it. But it's risky business us giving recommendations because early on in this podcast I was known as shit recommendations, but the tide has turned. Yeah, to me. But then I recommended a show called After Party last week and everybody really liked that. I saw some feedback about that, so I'm backing it in.

I'm backing in another recommendation. What's the name of this again? Only Murders in the Building. Only Murders in the Building. Yeah, I think there's another season coming out this year. It's very good. Well, thank you so much for listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast today. Tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Hope you get it fucking wet tonight. I hope your neighbour does. And I hope they've got premiums so they can keep getting it done. Maybe I should pop over and say, hey, if you want my login for Spotify premium for next time, don't let it ruin the mood.

Happy Valentine's Day. We'll see you tomorrow let it ruin the mood. Happy Valentine's Day. We'll see you tomorrow. Love you so much. Happy Valentine's Day. I'll have you meowing all night. Yeah, touch me on the cat. Tony Lodge, go outside and wash yourself. Touch me on the pussy.