Toni and Ryan - Bank Heists and Homewares

Episode Date: October 22, 2023

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Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is Dr. Author, best-selling Dr. Author, Tony Lodge. My name is Ryan and we're calling Salt Lake City and Utah. Yeah. Yeah. I got one. You got one. Woo. One. Yep. I'm one for 9,000. Let's call Amber. Amber? I hardly know her. Amber. Noah. Hello. Amber.

Hi. Hi, how are you, Amber? I'm good. I can't believe I'm really talking to you guys. Absolutely. You are our favourite software engineer in all of Utah, Amber. That is true. We've always said that. Amber, will you approve today's episode?

Of course I will. Perfection. And do you mind developing some software? No. Hey, it's Amber from Salt Lake City, Utah in the U.S., and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today. Thanks for asking me how I am, by the way. How are you since Friday, my dear?

It's been a heavy one. Yeah, I bet. Yeah. It's been a weekend. dear? It's been a heavy one. Yeah, I bet. Yeah. Through the weekend. Hey, we're in Dallas on Thursday. Yeah, fuck. Doesn't that make the world seem small? Yeah.

The fact that we're about to be gone soon. Yeah. Gone, girl. And with that in mind, Cam and Tony both don't know what's coming up in the second half of this episode, but there's some things we should be concerned about as we cross through customs and cross through the border. No, don't, because I'm... And actually, you, Tony, actually, you can chill.

Oh, are you carrying my bag? Do you want your bag carried? No, because I know that something's going to happen to it. To be fair... It's on wheels. And I was going to say, this isn't me fishing for a compliment, but that's exactly what it is. When we travel...

You do. I'll grab Tony's bag from the overhead, just get it down for him. And he'll, like, put it into the car, into the taxi or get, like... You know, I do that, right? You do, yeah. Yeah, it's because I care about you. Yeah, but I do other things that are handy. Like, I always pay with the, you know, like-

That's not a video show, but that's winked at the camera. Yeah. It was very the office US of you. I like- It's not a competition. I'm just saying I love it. But I'm saying, like, we kind of work in perfect harmony. Like, you'll hop out of the car to get the bag-

Because I'm the muscle. While I sit there, like, I'll pay and get the receipt and send that to, like, our accountant. Yeah, because if I'm trusted with a receipt, there's no receipt. It won't ever happen. Yeah. But, you know, like, you have that. It works, yeah. Like, it works perfectly.

It does. I love you. Love you too. Yeah, you were really nice about my ducky spoon as well. Yeah, I'm sorry about all that. No, but you weren't like, oh, you stupid bitch. You were like, hey, mate. I was when I got home.

When you left, Cam and I kept saying. Oh, guys. Nah, we would never. Oh, you know what? I'm not carrying anyone's bag in the airport. And if I do, make sure they're zipped up. That Cam and I kept saying. Oh, guys. No, we wouldn't. Oh, you know what? I'm not carrying anyone's bag in the airport. And if I do, make sure they're zipped up. That's what I'll say. Not that I would ever.

Whoa. Whoa. Anyway. Yeah. A bit of a surprise for us all coming up soon. Okay. First up, though. The other week, Tony mentioned that late at night

Torbs came in and gave Tony a little tap on the shoulder. And, Tony, what did you think was about to happen? Well, yeah, I was asleep and I just hear this, sweetie, sweetie, and the soft rub on the arm. And I was like, we're on here. And then he told me that he had done a four suit solitaire, spider solitaire game. And then he thought you needed to be woken up because you'd be impressed.

Yeah. And then I went, oh, great. Are we celebrating this? And he went, I love you. And walked back out. Yeah. Maybe it shouldn't happen. Maybe I dreamt this.

So, after hearing that, a lot of tapas have messaged through, and it's clear that often there's just one person who's revved up and ready to go, and the other person that is just not picking up what's being put down. Yeah, you just really misread the situation, yeah. Is this a surprise that you're misreading this? Yeah. Are we on air or?

What would you like to hear first? Which side of the coin? Oh, I would like someone to be in the same situation as. Sorry, I'm still asleep. I'd really like for someone to be in the same situation as me so I'm less embarrassed. Okay. Let's go to Alex. She.

Oh. Not your Alex. Yeah, I was going to say. Oh, my God. He goes, yeah, so I woke up my girlfriend the other night with a spider solitaire. Yeah. I thought that impressed her to get her laid and she was just like, what? Yeah. A guy and I hung out every day for a whole semester at college.

Oh, that's basically married at that age. Yeah. Yeah. But I think hung out as in like they might have had a few classes together and they were just like literally just like hanging out. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant hanging out. Doing the hippity dippity. Well, I think Alex, she was like.

Okay. One of the slice of the action. Yeah, right. And I feel often, especially with college, there's sort of this, it gets to the end of semester or, you know, there's about to be a huge summer break and you kind of get through that last few weeks and you're like, it's kind of that now or never.

Totally. You know, sort of like. Yeah. Because if it doesn't happen soon, like. That's it. That's it. Yeah. So, one night towards the end of the school year,

we're hanging out late. And he said, oh, yeah, it's getting pretty late. Probably time for us to, you know, head to bed. And she goes, okay, I can head home, but it's pretty late. Could I, like, do you reckon I could just, like, crash here? Yeah. And he goes, oh, oh. Oh.

Of course you can. It's like, you know, we've been hanging out. We know it. Yeah, of course. can't it's like you know we've been hanging out we know it like what yeah of course yeah um oh my god so we went into the bedroom yeah and he was like there's a pillow and rolled over fell asleep immediately and snored really loudly oh she also says now i don't know if this is the kind of attitude we like on our podcast Aren't men fucking stupid? Well, you've got the story about the girl that was trying to sleep with you And you gave her a phone charger and went to bed

Yep, so that guy and I just You know Woke up with what does that all mean? And torps Unsucked dicks Yeah And torps, honestly This does have a slightly happier I don't know if i don't say happy ending

um she said we eventually hooked up after i stayed over the fourth time oh i mean at least you got there in the end are they married now is that one of those stories where after the third time are you like not getting the hint or is he that dumb or is he, like, because I know the time when I was in that situation, I was like, oh, if I try something and I've misread it, then I'm going to, oh, I've ruined the friend and now she's in an awkward situation. And, like, you know, then what happens? And you kind of, the fear of that. You have to be really sure. Yeah. Like, I agree with that.

But after the third time is he like is he starting to think men are idiots i just don't want to look back on a time where you go oh i wish i'd just been a bit more up front maybe we would still or you know when you hear the story like four times later imagine that was four years and they go oh i really wanted to hook up with you and then you go we could have been together all this time. Or like now it doesn't make sense. Who was the guy who played Draco? Tom Hiddleston.

No. Tom Felton. Tom Hiddleston. Sorry, I was thinking about the other guy. It turns out that him and Emma Watson had crushes on each other and they never said anything. Is that true? I'm not a Harry Potter guy, but I have heard that.

You come in really hot with harry potter stories um no they so they did have crushes on each other and then like one of them was kind of like oh you're a bit too young because she was a bit younger than him and he was like you're like a little sister and she was like oh but she had a crush on the older boy and then later on like she had a crush on him but he he had a crush on her but she had a boyfriend or something like that. It never quite worked out. Yeah. Same with like Ross and Rachel from Friends in real life.

One of them was always in a relationship and not the other and it just never like the timing never really lined up. Just like us? Yeah. Shame. I wish every day that I was the girl you gave the phone charger to. Shame. I wish every day that I was the girl you gave the phone charger to.

Ian met this girl at a college bar and they hit it off. Oh, hot. This is Tarpauline. The bar was closing and they walked back towards the dorms. And like typical college, like all the dorms are at one end and then there's like the main street with the bars and stuff. So, it's like, oh, midnight, everyone home. And then like everyone just starts wandering over. Yeah.

How American. I know. The girl says, fuck, Ian, you fucking idiot. The girl says, I can't even read this line with a straight face. The girl says, my roommate's out of town and my room's just so cold and lonely when no one else is up there. Have you heard of slutty a lot? Fuck.

And Ian, with all the riz in the world, goes, yeah, it is pretty cold tonight. Hopefully the radiators are working. Ian. Hopefully the radiators are working Ian Then said goodnight And walked home to his dorm And she was probably so embarrassed

Gutted She was No but she was probably like I really put myself out there And it's not that Ian wouldn't have fucked her You know he just didn't pick up on it right If I know it, yeah. So Ian gets back to his residence and everyone's like, oh,

I saw you and that girl chatting in the bar. Like, how'd you go? Oh, but just like you guys seemed to hit it off. Like, what was the deal? Did you have a little smooch or something? Yeah, and he goes, nah, nah. I just walked her back and the friends went, oh, that's weird. Really?

Okay, well, what did she say? And he goes, oh, she just said that her roommate was out of town and it was so cold and really lonely. You know what you've got to do then? Run back there. All of his roommates are like, excuse me, Ian. Did he go back there? Well, I don't know if this is like.

Oh, my God. I really hope I'm putting it out into the universe that past Ian went like, okay, I've got to go back. Because can you imagine? Say you've just tried it on with someone. They didn't really pick up what you're putting down or whatever. Yeah, but then he's embarrassed. And then he, you know, like.

But you put yourself in the position. You've put yourself out there. You're a little bit embarrassed. Yeah. And they just haven't picked up what you're putting down. And then 10 minutes later, there's a knock on the door or a text that says, hey, I've just realised what you meant. I can be at yours in five.

Do you know what I mean? You would feel so good about yourself then because you'd be like, oh, it's all, you know. It's just a miscommunication. Yeah. You imagine getting that text to be like, I'll be there in five, like take your knickers off or something. I don't know.

Is that the first thing you... Isn't the word knickers just really... Mate, you know what? No one's ever wanted to have sex with me, so I actually don't know what you would say. That is not true. That is untrue. That's really nice.

Thank you. I wasn't asking for that. 50% of the boys in this room would hit that, which is surprising because Cam's gay. Yeah. Hey, this is Amber in Salt Lake City, Utah in the US and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tarpers over at our Patreon. That is Tarpers, Tony and Ryan Podcast.

Errs. Nathaniel R. Adams. Good on you, Nate. Nate Dogg. Nate Dogg. Kendra Lancaster. Thanks, Kendra. Sally F.

Sally for sure. Jenny Stowers. Jenny Stowers. I hardly know her. And Bella Carlini Rath Good on you Bella We absolutely love you

Thank you Bella Let me get this straight Thursday Pam Sorry Impossible Thursday night Can't wait to see you

In Dallas, Texas Woo Saturday night Can't wait to see you In Atlanta Ow Sunday very early morning Very early Can't wait to see you in Atlanta. Ow! Sunday, very early morning. Very early.

Can't wait to see you in Nashville. Woo! Lunchtime, Louisville on Sunday. Yep. And then Sunday night, Indianapolis. Next Monday night, Chicago. Chicago! We are going to be busy.

We're going to be high-fiving and hugging every single one of you. If we don't have COVID this time next week, it'll be a fucking miracle. Yeah, it actually will be, truly. And because we are doing so much traveling and we're traveling lean mean fart and grilling machines please no gifts please no gifts even though we very much appreciate it and i know that people are very pumped we actually don't have space and ryan's already talked about him carrying my bags he will not carry them if there's if it's full of gifts and it actually, it feels weird to say, hey, because you just feel like such an ungrateful

asshole. Oh, I know. We just can't carry this stuff around. We don't have the space. Yeah. I'm so sorry. We appreciate it very much and we love you. Your presence.

Is our presence. Is the only present we require. Literally just keep listening to the pod. That's the gift. I don't know if I told you. Keep me in a job, babe. Like, that's what I need from you. I don't know if I told you this. Keep me in a job, babe. Like, that's what I need from you. I don't know if I told you this before, but I actually went to college in America.

Yeah. In, um, oh, fuck. Lindenwood. Yep. And you used to party at my zoo. Yep. Yeah, full of animals, my zoo. There are a few animals out there, mate.

Yeah, rambugroups. In St. Louis. St. Louis. Which we are driving, not. Yeah, rambugrumes. In St. Louis. St. Louis. Which we are driving not really past, but sort of close to. Indianapolis and Chicago. Around there. And I had a bank account with like US Bank or Bank USA or one of the whatever. Why?

Well, because I live there. Oh, yeah. Why? Okay. Fucking. I'm just going to fuck myself. So, one strange thought I've had for the last 15 years is, like, I think I must have had $8 in it when I left. Yeah.

And when I was, like, packing and partying and worrying about getting back to Australia, like, if I had $1,000, I would have, like, gone and got the $1,000 out. Or if I had to close it for a reason, I would. But I just, like, I was like, $8? I can just sit. Like, I don't give a shit. Does it just get chewed up in fees or something? So, here's the thing that has been in the back of my mind for 15 years. Because I've got, like, eight superannuation accounts.

Oh, Tony. Yeah, I know. And I know that probably all of them have nothing in them now because of the fees. Like, because if you're not adding anything, it just chews up the money. So, at the time, as a student, you don't. They're like, yep, you're shooting for the next four years, no fees. But then I assume it must, you know, a monthly account fee of two bucks or something. Yeah.

But then I'm like, over 15 years, am I going to rock up to the border? And they're like, you owe the US bank $400. And, you know, then there's the late fee on not paying the original fee and it's been escalated. And I always have this like, am I just going to rock up? And there's like a red flag. This guy owes money to a bank, right? The worst person to owe money to?

The IRS. The IRS. Well, I wasn't earning anything, but. Oh, right. Semantics. But, yeah, so I've always worried about that. I've always worried about that. It's just like a weird little tidbit in the back of my mind.

That you're like, that bank account. Should check in on that. And if I just rock up to the US bank and go, hey, I don't have a card. I don't have a US ID. Don't have a social security number or an account number. Yeah, like, so... Where's my box, motherfuckers? Yeah, do you have my $8?

Because I'd actually love to get a Starbucks around the corner. Social security number or an account number? Yeah, like, so... Where's my box, motherfuckers? Yeah, do you have my $8? Because I'd actually love to get a Starbucks around the corner. And Tony normally pays for everything and she's busy today. Yeah, she's busy, so I'm not too sure about that. I'd love a coffee. So, I'm kind of always have the... And the reality is I'm sure this happens all the time and they go, oh, Farina, it's been two years. We just, like, wipe it off or whatever.

Maybe after like inactivity of two years, they just go, cool. Or probably not two years, maybe 10. Oh, you're just going to go there, reactivate it. It's going to take another 10 years. So, I thought that that might have been an issue when we rocked up to the front door of the America. I believe that's what it's called. Of America. Of the America.

Yeah. But it turns out that amongst the three of us going, there's someone else who's got previous history in the US. Well, it's not me because I've never been to Hollywood. You've never been to anywhere in America? No. Which only leaves producer Cam. What did he do?

Cam knows what he's done, but he just doesn't realise what he's done. What did you do? I'm not going to be travelling with you guys if you're going to slow me down. Cameron Hutchings. Yes. Cameron Miles Hutchings. Cameron Miles Hutchings. Yes. Cameron Miles Hutchings. Cameron Miles Hutchings. Is it true you pulled off in a store...

Don't say pulled off. ...an elaborate prank and did a runner and are probably still at large in the United States of America? Oh, no, that is true. Did you know we were... What? What's one of our rules about what this show is? No pranks.

We don't do pranks. No pranks. Did you know we have a prankster in our midst? Oh, not anymore. You're fired. We don't do pranks. Cam. Oh, no.

Can you remind- What was the store? It would have been something like Arizona Local Homewares or something in Tucson, Arizona. Oh, so little Granny May, she owns that store oh the big guy oh you've stopped her grandchild from going to soccer so can you tell us and i think you've told me this in passing a while ago and i just you obviously didn't know i was going to bring it up today. Oh, shit. What did you do in Tucson, Arizona? It's a beautiful Hattie Mae's- Granny Mae's. Granny Mae's-

Homewares. Okay, so I was with my mum, dad, my brother, and our family friend's son, and we were just coming home from, like, Tombstone or a local attraction or something like that in Arizona. Sounds like a fun place. Yeah, fuck, I'd love to go and visit Tombstone while we're in America. Mum and dad really wanted to buy our Aunty Peggy a mortar and pestle. God, is there not a more auntie name than Peggy?

Yeah. So we go into a homeware store and because it's three 14, 15, 16-year-old boys, we are bored as fuck. Yeah. Mum and dad are looking for the mortar and pestle. They find one. They go to buy it. It's pretty much time to wrap up.

Yeah. Towards the back of the store, Ryan, Chad and I, we see- Not you. Not me, the brother. Sorry, yeah, the friend. Ryan, Chad and I see a wall of about 60 to 80 different egg timers, all out of the box, all ready to be tested for use. It's the perfect crime.

This is the dumbest crime. So what did you decide to do? We spent the next five minutes winding every single egg timer up to five minutes. We let them all go pretty much at the exact same time as close we could and just awaited. It was getting down to about two minutes and we were actually shitting our pants we were going to get.

That they were all going to go off. So then the transaction finally wraps up. You guys just fucking hot footed to the car. And we say, mum and dad, my tummy hurts. We need to leave. With about 90 seconds to spare, we get into the car and drive off. And I just. And never been back.

Oh, that woman's dead now. Definitely. Good job. And so it's not just like, oh, the smoke and drive off and I just... And never been back. Oh, that woman's dead now. Definitely. Good job. And so it's not just like, oh, the smoke alarm goes off, go push that one button. There was 60 to 80 different egg timers. That were all going to bing at the same time. Yeah.

The perfect crime. The perfect crime. And then he flees the country. When was it? What year? 2008. They remember. Oh, yeah, they haven't forgotten that.

I can't believe your visa got approved. Can we just go back, though, on the gift for Arnie Peggy? Oh, yeah. A mortar and pestle is heavy as fuck. Yeah. How are you going to, like, through the air? Can you imagine carrying basically a fucking boulder through the airport? Or just when you weigh your bag on the front.

Yeah. Oh, your suitcase is 87 kilos. Yeah, do you have a couple of pairs of shoes? Oh, and the mortar and pestle, of course. So the thing that I'm going to buy when we're in the States, I've decided is hats because I'm like, oh, how easy to get around with. A fucking mortar and pestle. I hope that Aunty Peggy's still got that.

I think she does, yeah. Imagine if that got cracked. Because you know, it's just like a big piece of granite or wood or whatever. It would easily get broken. But that would have been so heavy. They sell them at house. Buy it in Australia. No, I'm pretty sure they're only sold in Arizona.

She wanted the tombstone Arizona mortar and pestle from Granny Mae's fucking house. With a built-in egg timer. Yeah. So you know how long the pestle's for. Well, you gutted, Cam, that you didn't get to see the undoing of the prank. Absolutely. But my little goody-two-shoes soul is also glad that I was away from the crime scene. Yeah.

What do you think your mum would have said? She would have, yeah, probably- Flipped. Slapped me across the face, rightly so, yeah. Yeah. And so do you suspect when we get to the border. So you're going to owe money. Yeah.

You're going to owe sanity to some poor beautiful woman. You're going to owe 60 to 80 apologies. And I'm going to go, see ya. Never met him. Go straight through, carry my own bag. I'll get you guys a mortar and pestle. Did you know we were travelling with such a bad boy? I actually didn't. That's really it's out of character for you, Cam. And, you know, when we interviewed you

we said we don't do pranks and you went, oh, yeah, all good. We should have smelled a rat. Wouldn't be an issue because I've never pranked anyone in my life, I believe was the direct quote. Not in the country, that is. I'm going to say that word. Yeah. Definitely haven't done that. Yeah. Wow. Cam hasn't done that. A couple of bad boys.

Yeah, are you ready to hit the road with a couple of outlaws? Should I do something before we go? Yeah. What should I do? Imagine Cam's like, oh, I said an egg timer. And Ryan left $8 in the bank. So, yeah, I killed a guy. I hit him with the mortar and pestle.

Went down like a sack of potatoes. Jeez, that'd fucking hurt, wouldn't it? It would kill. Yeah. Like 100%, you would die. I wouldn't know. I only assume. I assume.

I've got to get up to say it. Have you? Yep. I'm just sending you a picture. Ooh. And I want you to describe the two things in the picture. Two ball sacks.

Sorry, I haven't got it yet. Oh, an ice cream and one of those little wooden paddle things that you eat an ice cream with. Which one can you taste more? Yeah, the wood. The paddle pop stick. Yeah. Though I will say that you bought me an ice cream similar to that one on the left.

Yep. Only the other day. I did, didn't I? And so instantly when I saw it, I was like, oh, that's like that yummy ice cream that Ryan bought me the other day. But that paddle and you would just suck on it and chew it for ages and you'd get like a little splinter. I think everyone looking at that as well. And you kind of like can little splinter. I think everyone looking at that as well. And you kind of like can taste your own saliva.

Yeah. When you wake up hungover and you drink water and it just tastes like your own breath. Oh, that's disgusting. You actually just need like a soda water or juice, just that thing to like. Yeah. It's a bit like that when you're sick and you've just got that like dry, gluggy mouth

and you're like, I need like a mouthful of Coke or lemonade or something to like,, rejouge myself. Sorry. Coca-Cola. Yeah. So I've decided my crime for the US. I thought you were going to say a mouthful of Coke. I thought you meant cocaine.

No. No. Well, I didn't mean that either. No, of course not. You just need a mouthful of Coke. Coke. Coca-Cola. I'd love to see it again on the America theme. I didn't mean that either. No, of course not. You just need a mouthful of Coke. A Coke, a cola. I love to see it again on the America theme.

It turns out that we really are going the best place on earth. Old Navy, the shop, the Gap. You know how like on a clothing website, sometimes it'll just say like shoes, pants, skirts, dresses on the left-hand side or whatever. Sometimes on websites, I don't know if they've had this on any that you've looked at, Ryan, but it'll say, like, wedding guest, afternoon tea. Like, it'll have, like, a kind of theme. I'll tell you what I love on ASOS. Birthday girl. ASOS will have, like, festival wear.

Yeah. And even if you're not going to a festival, it's just, like, fun. Yeah. And so you kind of know the theme Of what's going to be in there So rather than being like Oh I don't know whether I want pants or a skirt You go That's going to have all the pants and skirts

That I would wear to a festival Yep This website Old Navy in America They've just added a category to their website Of jeans and a going out top I have been sent this screenshot about 25,000 times. Keep sending it.

Keep sending it. And every time I see it, I go, you know what? That is a bit of me and I'll accept that. Yep. So that, you know, the classic, what are you going to wear? Oh, mate, just jeans and a nice top. Oh, just jeans and a going out top. You know, not a t-shirt.

Yep. A top. Yep. You love to see that. You do love to see that. So good. Know your audience, you know? not a t-shirt. Yep. A top. Yep. You love to see that. You do love to see that. So good. Know your audience, you know. Know your people.

Yeah. Know your people. Thank you so much for listening. Tomorrow we have confessions. These are top confessions. And hang on, let me just see what's on my confessions list. Oh, no. I'm calling bullshit.

You know how in... When they try to add a storyline to a porno? Oh, we talked about this last week. We did. Over-produced porn. So I feel like in porn storylines, in the thousands of porn movies that have been made, there's still probably only...

Millions, billions. There's still only probably three different storylines. Oh, yeah. And this person's gone, oh, this crazy thing happened to me, and I'm like, oh, it didn't happen. Oh, but I think it did, but it's just so like, or it's more the other way around, going, oh, this is the one

real time, you know what I mean? Maybe. Maybe we'll be the judge of that. Okay. Yeah. Well, tomorrow sounds like a porno. Have a confession, and we'll chat to judge of that. Okay. Yeah. Well, tomorrow sounds like a porno. Have a confession and we'll chat to you then. Love you. Bye.