Toni and Ryan - BatPersons

Episode Date: September 2, 2024

TONI AND RYAN: VIGILANTES?!?!?! LOVE YOU!!!! Toni xoxCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. I'm the vice captain of the ship. This is Dr. Author, best-selling Dr. Author, Tony Lodge. Welcome to the ship. This is the Tony and Ryan ship... cast. We are calling... It's a real ship show. We are calling Sophie, who is in Bondi. Are you fucking kidding me? You're not joking, you're not laughing at ship show?

Like shit show? No, we got it. Hello? Sophie, Tony's got a great pun for you. Does she? Go on, Tony, say the joke. Sophie, so you know how Ryan calls me the

captain of the ship and he's the vice captain of the ship? Yeah, I was like, oh my god, welcome to Tony and Ryan. It's a real ship show. Oh, I don't know. We have gotten off to a bad start. We're a bad start, but this will get you back. This will get you back.

Sophie, can you tell Tony how you test out boys on Tinder? I would test out boys by asking them Shrek 1 or Shrek 2. And if they said Shrek 1, I wouldn't waste my time. I just wouldn't talk to them. And if they said Shrek 2, then we could continue. We could see how it went, you know. I think it's a great icebreaker, to be honest. Yeah.

But I would say, like, if anyone replied Shrek 1 and said, oh, you still got me, you know, Shrek 1 is still pretty good. Imagine if they said, oh, no, I don't really watch kids' movies. That's when you block them. Yeah, see you later. Yeah. That's when you call the police. Yeah, actually, yeah. It's more dire than that. You're right, Sophie, and I'm sorry for

misspeaking. Sophie, will you approve today's podcast? I will. Legend, thank you. Hey, it's Sophie from Bondi in Sydney and I approve this podcast. On LinkedIn, Tony's titles include muscles because she carries the show. Yeah. Tony is the captain of the ship.

The butter. The butter to my bread. Or am I the bread? Yeah, no, you're the good one. Well, shoot me in the face. Both are great. True story. And that's actually how I feel about you.

Both of us are great. Love you so much. Oh, your hands are so nice and warm. My hands are freezing. Wish I had someone to help me warm up. All right. I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that, especially because of this first confession.

I said, I wish I had somebody to warm them up. TonyandRyan.com.au. You can anonymously submit your confessions. They are anonymous. They are annoyingly anonymous we can't reply or email you back because we don't find out

anything about you please feel very secure so secure frustratingly secure it's Tony's fault that I flashed my dad oh that sounds like reaching

remember how Tony flashed her boyfriend in the car at the Preston market yeah at the Preston Market? Yeah. At the lot. I wasn't in a market.

I was in the car. Well, my husband and I were dog sitting at my parents' house and my dad, like Tony's partner Torbs, is a tech guy, he's a camera guy and he's a watch the dog on the camera in the backyard guy. Yep, yep, yep. And I rate that. So we're dog sitting. Yes.

Dad looks up on the app and sees me and my husband and the dog outside because, you know, it's motion detected or blah, blah, blah. Yep. We'd just gotten up, having a coffee, slow start to the day. And my husband says, excuse me, are you yet to put a bra on? That's quite cheeky. Like a bit flirty, isn't it?

And then I remembered what Tony did in the car and flashed her partner and went, whoops, and flashed her husband. That's flirty. I like that. I then hear dad from the ring camera talking through the thing. Sorry, love. Probably don't do that in the backyard. Is that on dad for being a perv? I was about to say,

you cannot check cameras while someone else is at the house. That's on dad? Yeah, I don't think you're allowed. I think that the flash, very cute hilarious very flirty love it 100 keep the spice in your marriage absolutely love it what i will say is that that's definitely on the dad don't like you you're not allowed to do that while there's people there then when i told you about that girlfriend of mine that was house sitting and dog sitting

for someone and they were checking the furbo the whole time and my girlfriend was like, can you like, like the dogs are okay. Yeah, I'll let you know if there's a problem. I'll let you know. But also if I'm not home, that's different. But also like you're letting me live in your house. Just trust me. Either don't let me live here or let me live here and then let me live here. Yeah. Now, not that I disagree

with anything you've said, but you feel like you're very strong on blaming the dad. Is that because you feel defensive because they tried to blame you? No, I actually well, I'm not going to take that on anyway, but I think it is cute and flirty that you flashed your husband. I think that's fucking cute. I just think it's a bit like, ah!

Are we a pro-flash podcast? Not in public to like unknown ah. Are we a pro-flash podcast? Not in public to, like, unknown peoples. However, I think that that story is very cute. A little like, ah. That's just so silly. So do I return the trench coat or do I keep it? Oh, that's fucked. I think, though, like.

How much do you. Sorry, I just can't see someone in a trench coat and go, well, obviously they're going to flash someone today. Well, yeah, especially when, like like in public, you're just like, oh, well, that's not okay. There's nothing under there. I always think of actually the first season of Modern Family where Claire

is like naked under her trench coat. Then the coat gets stuck in the escalator and she's standing at the top like this, like trying to, but she's naked underneath and the coat's stuck in the... I don't think I've ever watched Modern Family, but I feel like. Haven't you? No.

What? You've never watched Modern Family? I don't have a TV. I don't, I can't. You do have a TV. That is not true. I don't have an antenna. I don't have an antenna.

Okay. Well, Modern Family hasn't been on live TV for 10 years or something. What do you mean? Do they get canned? No. live TV for 10 years or something. What do you mean? Did they get canned? No, it's like they had 12 seasons or whatever and it finished. It's a good run. But it's like it's on Disney Plus or whatever. But I can't believe you've never seen an episode of Modern Family.

It's so good. I've seen snippets, but probably, yeah, not a whole episode. It's a really good show. Anyway, but that happens and that's all I can think of when I see someone in a trench coat and I'm like, I hope that you're prepared. And don't go on escalator today. Confession number two.

This is confession number two. I blamed the dog for the strap-on. At least it's not me getting blamed for this one. Well, we don't know how it ends yet. Unless they're just being really aggressive about me. I blame that dog for my strap-on. Oh, okay. Cool.

That dog. We had been doing a fitness challenge which involved getting up early, doing a workout, and then my wife and her sister. Sorry, who? Who? My female marriage partner. You're in a bad mood. And her sister.

You're in a bad mood. Why aren't you doing it? Should I start the story again? Just do the thing. Why are you resisting this? Who are you trying to impress? What's going on? I don't have a TV.

Oh, I don't do jokes. Sorry, mate. Do you want to fucking leave work and come back in again? Have another crack at it? Guys, I've just seen Modern Family. We have been doing this fitness challenge which involves getting up early and doing a workout. Thank you.

Her sister and our new gym friend would come back to ours and we'd have coffee and breakfast together each morning before we went to work. One day we get home and discover that the dog had gotten our strap on and was happily chewing away at it. In this moment of flight or fight, I yelled, what is this? Did you find it at the park? Is it in the neighbor's yard and you brought it on back? Because that's not ours.

Couldn't possibly be. Because I've never seen that before in my life. This is a female confessor, by the way. Our new gym friend hasn't been back in over a year. Yeah. And so it's now just the three of us. So it's the female confessor, her wife. Her wife. And her wife. And her it's now just the three of us. So it's the female confessor, her wife. Her wife.

And her wife. And her wife's sister. Her wife's sister. And every time it comes up in conversation, my wife's sister always just says. Who? My wife's sister just says, considering you two ladies like ladies, why does the strap-on have balls? Anatomically correct.

You like getting hit with the sack in the back though, don't you? Sorry, that was fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. For those playing at home, Tony has covered her face with her computer and has retired for the day.

That was fucked even for me. Is that incidental? Hey, it's Sophie from Bondi in Sydney and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Amber Gilliland, thank you very much. Amber, you fucking tested me with that one. Lauren Dowman, good.

In Dowman. Lydia Chastain, Laurie Miller, Amanda McGee, and Lucy Miller. Hardly know her. Thank you very much for being part of our Patreon. For those champion tapas, we'll be doing a live stream very, very soon. Once a month we do a live stream. So we'll pop something in the calendar.

I'm not sure what we'll do yet. Bit of fun though. Bit of fun. What did we do last time? The arts and crafts? Did the arts and crafts. Arts and crafts. That's on OnlyFans, not on Patreon. My mistake.

Patreon OnlyFans. So Tony and Ryan, the two of us. That's us. We're podcasters. Yep. We're former radio station employees. We've been referred to as a couple of loaves. Is that what you were going to say?

It was. Anything else that comes to mind that we've been described as? Captain and vice captain, bread and butter, funny and funnier. Guess which one I am. We've got a new title as of today, and I don't think anyone's ever accused us of this before but we have a new title and as of today this is what we are because we have history and we have done some incredible work we're also best friends best friends and we're also some people have said

that we are husband and wife which we aren't which we're not because Tony hasn't been proposed to yet we've tried yeah yeah one day we'll be a husband and a wife, but just not each other's. That's a good point. Yeah. Husband and wife. Yeah. Our husband and our wife, but just not. Our what?

Our wife. You know what? I needed that. Thank you. What's new? What's news? Tony and Ryan are now vigilantes. Tony and Ryan are now vigilantes.

Sophie's just spat. Sophie's on the floor. Vigilantes? Yeah. What does that mean? Google it. Like nefarious? I don't know.

That sounds like we're cheating on our partners. That's quite nefarious. That is a member of a self-appointed group of citizens who undertake law enforcement in their community without legal authority, typically because the legal agencies are thought to be inadequate. Oh, so we're taking the law into our own hands. Guys, we didn't solve a crime. We prevented a crime happening in real time.

What? You were there. You actually know more about this than I do. What do you mean? Oh, sorry. My head just went so high for this loaf. I mean, it's a big day. What did I do?

Remember when we were at a- God, look at me. Can I just say what a gift I am to the community. I do things for others that I don't even realise. Isn't that beautiful? Aren't I such a fucking champion? Do you know what? I think that I should be Australian of the Year.

See ya. You guys just laughed really hard and I didn't like it. Should we submit the form? I'm going to do that. Sophie, do the form. Don't click at her. I've clicked at Sophie. Should we submit the form? I'm going to do that. Sophie, do the form. Don't click at her. I've clicked at Sophie. She's doing the form.

What did I do this time? We were at a shopping centre and we were at a specific shop that sells women's clothes. Yes. And we were in there looking at some stuff. Yes. And these two young ladies came up and said, yeah, now she remembers.

Now she fucking remembers. They go, oh, my God, Tony and Ryan, can we get a photo? And we said, of course. What are your names? Lovely to meet you. I'll take a photo, blah, blah, blah. Then when we left, Tony goes, we just solved a crime. Prevented a crime. Prevented a crime.

Prevented a crime. Now, I actually don't know what happened other than what you told me, but please, for the benefit of all tapas. Well, so Ryan. Can you explain how we are vigilant? Ryan and I were standing and we're looking at some clothes and Ryan was being a great shopping husband. Thank you.

And like was waiting there while I was looking at some stuff. And I was like, oh, what do you reckon about this? I wonder if this comes in a bigger size or fucking whatever. And I over here in the back of my ear, right at the back, what do you think about this? I love those shorts. And I realized that there's two girls also shopping behind us. And they're just chatting.

And she's like, oh, I love those. Oh, they've got those in my size. And she goes, oh, only $10. And then the other girl goes, yeah, but like obviously not. And she goes, I think we should actually buy those ones. They're only $10. They were discussing robbery, armed robbery. They had arms.

Armed robbery they were discussing. They were discussing whether or not to steal this item. They were just going to, like, lift these items of clothing. And then went, oh, it's cheap enough, maybe we should not risk prison and just pay for it. So I think they were kind of like, it sounded to me like they were assessing their karma. Like they were like, look, these ones are actually cheap enough to buy.

We stole all that other shit from the expensive shop. Should we just pay for these ones? Yeah. It's like it's always that first couple of scenes in Ocean's Eleven where they're going around to the old crew and they go, do you want to come back in one last time? No, I've retired, bro. No, one last one.

Oh, shit. No, no, no. Yes. And so they're discussing whether to steal something. And when it came to the crunch of, so should we do it? They went, is that Tony and Ryan? Yeah. The vigilantes?

Two bat people? So the gender neutral bat man? Yes. Oh, two bat peoples. Two bat persons. I actually did not even think about it. But, yeah, because there was a few people in the store as well and we were like, oh, yeah, hi, how are you going?

I did not even. Wow. Vigilantes. Do you think that we. Vigilantes sounds too much like panties and it's really making me feel not nice. I can't believe you just said that. Because what a horrible word that is but every time i say vigilantes yeah um that is amazing i didn't even but yeah and like because

you hadn't clocked it but they were talking about it and i was just like oh my god oh sorry is your phone ringing yeah what's wrong hello ryan Yeah, I do think she should be straight into the year. She's solving crimes. Thank you, Anthony Albanese. You chat to you later. Prime Minister approval. I hate it when Albo calls while we're working. Yeah.

The Prime Minister, yeah. But, Tony, you should be very proud of yourself. Wow. Look at us. Maybe you should get an honorary. You remember when, like, the police would come to the primary school and give you, like like an honorary badge? Like I would be like top sheriff.

Oh. What about that? The sheriff of DCI. Yes. Senior constable. You know what? Out of all the constables I know, you are the most senior. I really appreciate that because from a fellow constable,

it means more from your peers, doesn't it? It takes a constable to know a constable. And you've always said that. All right, what do you love to see? I've got this one here from Georgia. She might fucking take this back. To be honest, after hearing that, guys, I've got this one here from Georgia. She might fucking take this back. To be honest, after hearing that, guys, I've got to love to see it. Mum and I were having a girl's day.

Lovely. Must be nice. Must be nice. And I had the podcast playing in the car. Safe to say she absolutely loves it, was pissing herself the whole time, and we have a new tarpa. Welcome. Welcome, Georgia's mum.

Yeah. Your big constable. Yeah. She is a, Georgia's mum. Yeah. You're a big constable. Yeah. She is a constable, yeah. Guess where Georgia was born from? A hospital. Obviously. Came out of her mum's constable.

Oh, logistics chat. Do we have to bleep those? No. No, because we're saying the word constable. Yeah. Yeah. My **** stable. Beep that one.

What do you love to see? What I love to see is a post that's in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group by Christine. Hi, Christine. And now it starts bad, but it ends good. Oh, no. Do they need some vigilantes over there? Maybe, because there could have been foul play.

Hi, everyone. My husband, Chad, and I tied the knot last month, and we recently discovered that our audio guest book ran into some technical issues. What is an audio guest book? So it's almost like a voicemail, but people at the party, like there's like an old school phone in a little booth. Oh, and yeah, yes.

And you like pick it up and you go, hey, guys, congratulations. You're the best couple. It's been a great day. And then, you know, a month later you can listen to all these messages and stuff. That's quite cute. Sadly, all the wonderful messages were erased because of a technical glitch or whatever.

They needed an audio queen. They needed an audio queen. They needed an audio queen. If any tarper out there feels like calling to share some funny messages, it would really help fill a gap for those lost memories and bring us some laughs. That's really sweet. However, we weren't good enough to be invited to the wedding. Okay, yeah.

That's a choice, Christine. Okay. Okay, I thought we were going to leave a message. Well, I didn't get any free fucking petit fours, but, you know. What's a petit four, Sophie? What is a petit four? Oh, she doesn't know. She's not French.

I'll ask people. I actually meant hors d'oeuvres. Like, I didn't get a little cheese board. No, let's leave them a message. Do you have the number? Yeah, I'll give him a buzz. Give him a buzz. Okay. Oh, my vigilante

shit again. I don't start shit, but I can tell you how it ends. This is the musical interlude while the phone rings. Don't get sad. Get even on the weekend. Out of dress for women.

Out of dress for women. Six digit event code followed by the hash key. Do you have that? Followed by the hash key. Okay, hang on. Hi, it's Christine. And Chad. Sorry we can't come to the phone right now. We've been busy getting married. Thanks for joining us today.

Leave us a message after the beep. Hi, Christine and Chad. Congratulations. Hi, Chad and Christine. It's Tony and Ryan. Congratulations on getting married. Now, Chad, you can say that Christine is your wife. My wife.

We're actually live on the podcast right now, so you'll get to hear this two times. Two times. Look at our hot Chris. Both of you look amazing. We're just looking at a wedding photo. Love you both so much. Sorry that you didn't have the audio queen there to make sure

that this didn't happen on the day. Yeah, we could have done this in person if we were invited, but I guess we'll just go. Yeah, no fucking cheese for us. We'll just go fuck ourselves. Love you so much. Love you. Bye.

Congratulations. And we hope that you have a long and happy life together and you don't break up sorry i'm really i didn't mean that well i hope that you are like obviously i hope that you don't um break up but i probably i like my choice probably wouldn't have been to bring it up okay love you so much. That's the wrap-up music. Oh, yeah. Meow. Oh, it hung up a while ago, I think, because it was too long. I went to hang up and it already had, so I don't know how much of that they got.

Chad and Christine, could you let us know if maybe it cut off before the bad part started? Oh, yeah. Oh, what a lovely message. Yeah. And then they hear this and go, what a bitch. Oh, yeah. Oh, what a lovely message. Yeah. And then they hear this and go, what a bitch. Oh. What a big cunstable. You want to see my big cunstable?

It's actually a tight little cunstable. Sorry. Yeah, that's too much. All right. Love you literally so much. See you tomorrow for motherfucking hump day, cunts. Tony Lodge, calm the fuck down. You've gotten me all razzed up.

Yeah, actually, tomorrow, tomorrow. I love your tomorrow. Ryan is a little orphan, Annie, because he was a little orphan. I still am. No, no, not anymore. Why not? Because, you know, your parents. Even I met your birth father.

I mean, old news. Love you, Joel. I know you listen. Joel and Beth listen. So sorry. They're not going to like this episode, actually. Why not? All the constable chat.

Yeah. Sorry, Joel and Beth. I'm going to say tomorrow's episode is the height of comedy and I'm going to say one. Is it higher than this? Yeah, much higher, actually, and surprisingly higher. It's actually one level above Dad's naming boats. Just one.

One level above. I didn't know there was a higher level than that. And tomorrow you'll go, but no. Of course. All this time. All right, we'll chat. Love you. Love you so much.

You big old bunch of legends. Sorry. I misread it. Love you. Bye.