Toni and Ryan - Best Friend Status

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

I made a silly mistake and it's cost me being Ryan's BEST FRIEND. Toni xoxoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge and we are calling Jen who's in Arizona. Where is Arizona? Is it hot? It is the desert. Phoenix, not far from Vegas. Yep. Yeah. Yep. Borders New Mexico and Texas. Maybe. I may have just made that up in this economy. Tony and Ryan. Jen! How you doing?

Yay! I have been waiting all day, even when you guys were sleeping. I have not anticipated a phone call like this since I was dating over 10 years ago. Okay, can I just say, Jenna, even though that is lovely, I would love to just add a little caveat here that we aren't late. You were just excited. Yeah. Because it makes it sound as though you've been waiting for us to call all day. We're actually seven minutes early.

But, Jen, will you approve today's episode? Of course I approve today's episode. Legend. Hey, it's Jen from Arizona, and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today, Tony Lodge has lost it. The travels get, you can hear it in your voice. Yeah. The travels get into you.

I'm a weary traveller, yeah. But, and, you know, sometimes when you're unwell, you're like, you know, not as quick, not as sharp. Not as sharp, I think is pretty fair. But this was beyond lack of sharpness. I actually wish that we weren't going to talk about it because it's not great for me. But. No, it's not.

Well, we'll get to that soon. First of all, confessions, people submit them to TonyandRyan.com.au. Annoyingly anonymous. We can't ask follow-up questions because they're actually really annoyingly anonymous. Confession. My uncle passed away one year before the incident. That's backwards, isn't it? All family was gathered around the fire. We're drinking, we're singing, we're sharing stories. How nice.

And my cousin, he's 18 years old. He's new to drinking. Oh. And he wasn't handling the heat so well and he had to, like, take himself off to the bathroom. Okay. You know. Bit of a tackyack situation. It sounds like it.

Now, my brother, says the confessor, is really nice and caring. So, he goes, I'll go and check on the young fellas here. That's nice. Yeah. You have to look after the young ones when you're out drinking. Walks into the bathroom. I wouldn't take a sip before I read this next line. Put that cup right down. Sorry. Walks into the bathroom and my cousin is eating the ashes of my uncle. Just in the bathroom with the urn. So, like, tipped out and just, like, just eating the ashes as if it was, like, a bag of flour or a bag of sugar.

And, like, a... Why were the ashes in the bathroom? I don't know if that's where they started. That's where they ended up. I don't know if he was just on his way to the bathroom. I don't know if that's where they started. Oh, okay. That's where they ended up. I don't know if it was on his way to the bathroom. I don't know. I'm feeling sick.

I'm going to grab that for a bit of a feed on the way through. And then- So, the brother gasps and just sort of walks in and goes, Whoa! And the whole family hears this, like, commotion. And they run in and they all go, Whoa! So, my brother swore us all to secrecy. So my brother swore us all to secrecy and got the leftover ashes and tried to scoop it back into the thing and pop it back.

And the auntie, who was the wife of the widower, still none the wiser. So did we get an explanation from the guy who was eating them? He was just hammered and it's just what he was doing. It would taste so bad. So dry. And bad, but also dry. Actually, yeah, because it's not like flour or fluff. It's like ash. It's ash.

And it's also your uncle. It's like ash. It's ash. And it's also your uncle. It's a person. And, like, you know when they, like, hand-maker-mate them and they've got, like, jewellery on? Does the jewellery melt down? Or does he get, like, a chunk of bangle in there or something? So, when you shake the urn, you can feel the ashes move around, but then you're like...

Yeah, there's a diamond in there from a wedding ring or something. Oh, mate. I'm not. When you die, heaven forbid, I'm not melting shit down. I'm taking the goods. I'm pawning that stuff off before I put you in there. Oh, no. I think it's nice to.

Do you mean cremated or buried? I'm cremated, I think. Yeah. I'll be too paranoid about being buried and then waking up. Yeah. Yeah. So, if I do get buried, first of all, don't bury me. But if I do, I don't want to be like one centimetre deep and with a handle on the inside. Yeah. So if I do get buried, first of all, don't bury me, but if I do, I don't want

to be like one centimetre deep and with a handle on the inside. Yeah, with the bell, like you know how they used to do that. Nah, just a handle and I can just open the door and jump out. Sorry guys, sorry. I'll pass the alarm. Sorry to be a burden. Yeah, I've already been embalmed. I look great. Yeah. That's fucked. That is fucked.

Did they tell him the next day? I think he knew. Because you know when you black out? Yeah. And then you kind of go, fuck, I don't remember a thing. Yeah, man, you ate fucking Uncle Gareth's ashes and be like, that doesn't sound like me. Yeah.

So you were pretty cooked, bro. Fuck, that's grim. Yeah. Let's go. Hey, Tony. Hey, that's grim. Yeah. Let's go. Hey, Tony. Hey, Ryan. How old were you when you learnt what toilet lids were and how they worked? Oh, 28.

And what did you learn about them? That they have a purpose. Yep. Because I thought that they were just annoying things that were just there. But it turns out it stops the spray of the poops coming out. Just floating around the bathroom. When you flush. This is sort of the opposite of that.

Okay. Anonymous says, I didn't know there was such thing as a toilet seat. I just thought there were two types of lids. At a work party, I didn't want to use the bathroom because the toilet seat looked so disgusting. But my colleagues go, oh, no, it'll be fine, it'll be fine. But I dragged one of the colleagues into the bathroom and i was like look it's not fine and she just burst into laughing for my entire life i've been sitting on the rim of the toilet bowl like with both lids up up and just sitting on the rim.

What was so bad about the toilet lid that she saw? Well, no, but she was looking at the rim going, I don't want to sit on that. That looks a bit dirty and grimy. And the lady's like, it's fine because the lady's thinking about the seat. Oh, right. I see what you mean. Oh, yeah. Well, because what I was going to say is, like, the rim is disgusting. Yeah.

Her whole life. When I left that department, they got me a toilet seat as a going away gift and they all signed their names on it. What a harrowing thing to learn in a workplace. Do we know this person's age? Well, it was a workplace. Like, they're an adult. So, mid-20s maybe. Minimum.

At the lowest, yeah. Far out. So, they went all through college sitting on rims. Like, going clubbing and stuff. And even just, like, public toilets at, like, a shopping centre and stuff. Now, no one take this out of context and clip it out of context or whatever. But rims in nightclubs is not good. You're not going to the right nightclubs.

I know you're struggling to breathe, but that was very funny from you. I'll take that I know you want to laugh through your nose And you can't I can't At your own gear But let me just say That was very good from you Thanks for laughing for both of us

Yeah you're welcome You're welcome I'm just Hey Just trying to do my best And apply some muscle To the carrying of this show Hey it's Jen from Arizona

and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Cindy Mercado. Oh, sorry, tapas. Tony and Ryan podcast. Cindy Mercado. Thanks, Cindy.

Love ya. Was that Cindy Moscato? Yes. Would you like a glass? Finest drop? Stevie Judd. Good on ya. Beck's sister.

Ashley W. Wicked. Lydia Padgick. Might be Paiyik. Jesse Johnson, good on you, JJ. How you doing, mate? Yeah, I'm all good. During that little interlude there of an ad, depending on which country you're in.

Thanks for the stipulations based on location. Tony just went, I can't see colour, which is tricky because you think names are colours. What do I look like now? I'm really struggling. Elephant. Don't talk about it. Elephant in the room.

Good. Yeah. Good gear. Yeah. I'm trying to make it seem really bad so that this next story doesn't. No, you actually weren't even that bad when this happened. I wasn't. I wasn't.

I was full health. You, Tony Louise Lodge, have been pitching me, Ryan John Dunn, for the status of best friend for quite some time now. Is that fair to say? Yeah, I just think it makes sense given our relationship. Yep. And you believe believe can you just remind us all what your your thoughts on the word best friend means um so best friend isn't a person

it's a tier um so you don't have one best friend you have like a best friend tier where there's lots of people that kind of give you the best friend juice but they all offer you something different or you've known them for different amounts of time but it can be more than just like that one person you don't have our best friend. It's a tier. It's a tier. So, given this and given the trip we're on and the amount of time we're spending together and, you know.

And we've got a business. We've got a business and we spend so much time together and we enjoy our time together, don't we? Sometimes. Don't we? All the time. I thought maybe we get, maybe like. Don't we? All the time. I thought maybe like- Don't say that because I know that you're just saying that now.

Maybe by the time this trip is over, we could flick that switch. You're lying. You're lying. I know you didn't mean that. Our last shows in the US are from the Spotify studios in Los Angeles. Shout out. Shout out. And I thought, oh, wouldn't it be great to do the last US episode?

We'll go to like a rooftop bar, you know, cheers to the great trip. And I'll be like, you know what? That sounds fun. It's official. That was until what happened the other day. Don't do that because you didn't intend that at all. I did. You're just baiting me.

Did I or did I not say we all look for rooftop bars near where we're recording our last episode, true or false? You did say that. And I was like, wouldn't it be really nice to have like a really heartfelt, like nice moment to conclude the trip? You did say that actually. So traveling around, it's awesome. But one of the shit things is like every hotel every hire car you like you feel you just does it feel like we're just always filling out forms

literally why can't i fill in one form and then everyone gets the same one yeah like or can't i just have a piece of paper that says like my name address phone number my emergency contact and i just give that to people and i don't have a social security number because i'm not from here yeah and you would not believe how many people don't believe that statement yeah like yeah no i don't like they go yeah but you have to you have to fill that in to press next on the forum like yeah i don't have a social security number they go but you need one for the form i'm like yeah yeah no i can give you my tax file number but it's not the same amount of numbers. It's not going to give you anything.

If you can pay my tax, though, in Australia, that'd be great. Yeah. So, there's a lot of forms filling in and we kind of, you know, you just get in, you take it in turns. Oh, you filled in the last one. Oh, you paid for that taxi and uploaded the invoice. I'll get this. Yeah.

Tony's filling out a form. And she sort of looks at me with this curiosity Of like, like she's just discovered something about me Or she's found like a treasure in her suitcase And she looks at me and goes What's your middle name? And I Is asking, is Tony Louise Lodge asking Ryan John Dunn what his middle name is? Actually, Cam, not to make you be in between mum and dad fighting,

but do you feel like a best friend would probably already know what Ryan John Dunn's middle name is? Best friends should also know, like, the time you were born of the day. So, middle name, date, time, favourite colour, blood type, sex type. Yes, please. favourite colour, blood type, sex type. Yes, please. Sex type, yes. What time of the day were you born? You should know this.

I do. It was very early in the morning. No, 4.15pm on the dot. Yeah. On the dot of 4.15 and 17 seconds. On the dot. No, but it's like 4.15. Not like 4.18 or like 4.15,

which I think is quite fun. I'm prompt. And actually, I said like, what's your middle name? I can't believe I've never asked you if you have a middle name. I was really embarrassed. Yeah. That was the line, I can't believe I've never asked you that. And I felt guilty as a pre-best friend, as a future best friend.

I couldn't believe that I'd never asked you. Like, I just, I don't know what came over me. And I filled out paperwork on your behalf before. It's not like I didn't know. Well, apparently you didn't. And then just all of a sudden I was like, I can't believe I've never asked you behalf before. Yeah. It's not like I didn't know and I- Well, apparently you didn't. And then just all of a sudden I was like, I can't believe I've never asked you that before.

And you're like, what, bitch? Hey, what did I actually say or what was my face looking like? You just did this face like, are you doing a bit? Like, are you doing a joke? Are you angling for something? Are you doing a joke? And I was like, I can't believe I never asked you that, mate. Like, I'm really sorry. Like, I felt really guilty.

So, in that moment. Immediately, I felt guilty. So, in that moment, if I had have gone, because I just went, what the fuck? And then, like, pointed to my name and you were like, oh, my God, I live on DCI. Yeah. If I had have just gone, Steve, would you have gone, okay. I know. I feel like I would have clocked it sooner.

Would you? I don't know. I should have just looked at your luggage because it's got your full name on it. I'm annoyed at how funny that is. That's annoyingly funny. Yeah, I got you again. The thing is, is that I know that i would have figured it out there's still stickers over my name on my suitcase i know i would have figured it out but i just

i can't believe how guilty i felt i genuinely was like what a bad friend you are why don't i know that why have i never asked you what's a worst friend the fact that you were scared that you'd never asked or the fact that you didn't remember in that moment? Do I get any leeway for the fact that you go by your middle name, like, for your, like- I don't go by shit. My name's Ryan Dunn Dunn. No, no, no, no. But, like, you- Like, I would never be like, oh, my name's Tony Louise Lodge.

Like, I would never say that to someone. But you know what I mean? What's on my Instagram bio? Like, I think all of your stuff just says, like, Ryan John. Look at my name on Instagram. bio. I think all of your stuff just says like Ryan John. Look at my name on Instagram. But I would never put on my Instagram bio Tony Louise Lodge. Is that your defence, Your Honour? The defence rests. I just don't use it. You always call me Tony

Felicia Lodge. Maybe you don't know what my middle name is. You know, I got a message from someone the other day and it was like, hi, is it Felicia or Louise? Because you always say Louise, Ryan always says Felicia, like this is a joke. And I was like, it is. It is a joke. That's exactly what it is.

You have correctly labelled this thing. Yeah, thanks, Sherlock. Like you fucking cracked the case, fucking Nancy Drew. Call Brooklyn Nine-Nine because there's a case that needs solving. Like, fucking hell. And I was like, yeah, yeah. Like, Ryan said it once, like, as a joke. It just caught on.

And they were like, yeah, well, I don't think it's very, like, the problem was that it wasn't, like, consistent. Yeah. And I was like, okay, sorry. Oh, sorry that we do a podcast five days a week and it's not consistent. Fuck us, right? I don't know. What's your middle name again? Carlos. I just don't know what I thought of. Fuck us, right? I don't know. What's your middle name again? Carlos. I just don't

know what I thought of. Fuck it. How foreign could I have gone with the middle name before you started thinking that it's not real? I actually just don't know what I was thinking. So if I had gone Giuseppe. No, obviously. Muhammad. But I know it's John. I know it's John. Ricardo. I know it's John. Ricardo. Danny Ricardo. Yeah. Ryan John Dunn, you're Ricardo.

Jeeba. I just would. Jeeba is my favourite volleyball player from Brazil. I 100% would have realised. Like, I think as soon as I saw your face, I knew straight away like that I knew it. Ryan Juan John Dunn. No, Juan, John, done. No, you don't get two. Ryan, Juan, done. Some people have two.

You only get one is the joke I was making. Yeah. You're my number one. Oh. Yeah. So, have I redeemed myself? No. Are you going to call me your best friend again? No.

Okay. You're getting close now. You just like dropped off a little bit. Okay. We'll get back up there. I think. Feels like an impossible task. Maybe I just need to get over it. Um have you got a love to see it? I do.

Um and I don't know if you guys noticed but it's Halloween. Spooky. Um my love to see it is a little Halloween based joke Please I love Halloween Why is the Grim Reaper's house so small?

Why? Because it doesn't have a living room That's terrible That's good isn't it? That is perfect That is great That is great Someone messaged the other day and they said,

I've only just discovered the podcast because I found your first Halloween episode on YouTube. Welcome. Welcome. Because we did a big, like, it was our first live video show. Yeah. It was the first full video episode. Two years ago. And do you remember we were, like, nervous about it?

We were like, oh, like, how's it going to go? And how crazy. Do people watch YouTube anymore? Yeah. And they do. Apparently they fucking do. They fucking do. They How crazy. Do people watch YouTube anymore? Yeah, and they do. Apparently they fucking do. They fucking do. They fucking do.

Thanks for watching YouTube. Tony's doing dollar hands. I was not doing dollar hands. Right. Right, John. She was making it rain. Right, John Juan. She was making it rain with invisible dollar bills.

I'm sick. Invisible dollar bills. I'm sick. My love to see it is, well, just in general, Snoop Dogg. Fair. Speaking of money. More specifically, Snoop. Actually, let me send you this video, Tony. I think you'll really appreciate this because you're a kind person who appreciates other kind people.

That's beautiful. Thank you. So, Snoop Dogg is in Japan and he's doing like, and he's like, fuck, where's Tony? Is Tony here? Has Tony been here? And Snoop Dogg's doing like a book signing or like a meet and greet type thing in Japan.

And as you'll see in that video there, the first person comes up and goes, oh, can you sign it in Japanese? Oh. And he's like, oh, fuck, not really. He goes, can you show me? Oh, he says, yeah, can you show me how to write it in Japanese? Oh. And he's like, oh, fuck, not really. He goes, can you show me? Oh, he says, yeah, can you show me how to write it in Japanese? Yeah.

And so the guy kind of teaches him like this is what Snoop Dogg is in Japanese. And then he sat there for the next two hours signing his new book in both English and Japanese. And what I like is like that's a little bit of a pain in the ass, potentially, depending on your, like, attitude in the moment. But he didn't go, oh, if I have to. He just went, yeah, bro, you've lined up. Yeah, you bought the book. Of course I can do it. Yeah, I can do it.

And he's just, like, really down and cool about it. And you think someone the size of Snoop Dogg, that's probably doubled the amount of time he's sitting in that bookstore. And he's, like, trying to. And he's respecting the language. Yeah. He's not just, like, making a joke out of it. He's like, yeah, mate, you lined up?

He's lined up. All good. Where's our next meet and greet? Toronto on Thursday night. Well, then I'll sign all my books in Canadian. French. That's Montreal, not Toronto. Oh.

If we went to Montreal, I wouldn't make that promise because they'd be like, okay, great. Yeah, okay. Now, in the comments section. Oh, no. Oh, here we go. This person goes, yeah, I met Snoop, like, I was at a Walgreens at, like, 1am and Snoop rolls in, like, with his security guard and he's, like, clearly, like, been having a smoke at the end of the night.

He's on his way home like need some snacks yeah but he's like he didn't need to be cool in that moment his bodyguard could have just like shooed me off or whatever but he was like a really nice guy hung out for a few minutes took a photo and he was like all chill but then this is the last but this is the end of the comment. Super nice guy. Oddly soft hands. Even if he does, why would you write that in the comment section of Reddit? Such a nice guy.

Smooth hands. That is so funny what people say to you. I was in a Walgreens. Maybe he picked up some lotion, you know, and he's like. Maybe. But I mean, also, there's probably people massaging his hands. He's that loaded. You know, like, he's probably got people in his, like, posse or whatever.

I don't know. Like, that, like, do his hands. I saw a video of Shaq on a private jet, like, moisturising his feet. That would have taken him an hour. Yeah, his feet were the size of a fucking private jet. And he's like, what's life like in a private jet? And he's like, well, i might be rich enough to have a private jet but like being rich doesn't mean you don't get dry feet sometimes he's just like

they're moisturizing these two seals that are attached to the end of his leg nice guy oddly soft hands we're meeting a lot of people and shaking a lot of hands how are your hands um they're not that soft, actually. I'm suddenly very embarrassed about it. Yeah, I'm... Can you... Yeah, you need to work on those. It's all the flying.

It's the flying. Drives you out. Normally when we meet people, though, they go, Oh, Ryan, not as tall as I thought. Fuck you. Fuck, fuck you. People say that a lot. Yeah, because Tony gets on this fucking podcast and says how tall I am

and I'm not that tall. It's just because I'm so tiny. Yeah. I'm so tiny. But Tony talks up this big game about how tall I am and then people rock up and go, what? Because I think you're tall to me. Everyone's tall to you.

Yeah. That coffee cup is tall to you. Yeah, because I'm so tiny. And then people come up and they're like disappointed because you've set them up. Yeah. In New Zealand, it was like the whole talk of the thing. Yeah.

People were like, oh, yeah, you're not that tall. It was like they didn't want to do a photo anymore. Yeah. That girl, that volleyballer. Yeah. She was tall and she's like, oh, you play volleyball? Just like, mate, are you sure you play volleyball, dog? Yeah.

And she was like questioning the background. Or do they, is that what they call like rugby in Australia? They call it volleyball. Like soccer and football. Yeah. Tomorrow. Fuck me. Tomorrow on the show, the FBI has been called,

and they're going to be here in 20 minutes, and we need your help. It's not good. Not good news. We need your help. The FBI are coming. Wow. Love you. That's tomorrow on the show.

Bye. love you that's tomorrow on the show