Toni and Ryan - Brakes on a Plane

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

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Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. And we are calling Catherine, who's in Townsville. Catherine in Townsville? Not Townsville and Catherine? No, that's someone else. I don't think we've been this far north in Queensland for a while. I've done a lot of- Take your jumper off. Oh my God. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Catherine! Yes, I approve this episode. Oh my God. Well, quicker than Ryan. Yeah, I know. Yeah, but we Ryan In and out

How are you guys? We're good Catherine how are you? Thanks for clarifying No one laughed I thought maybe you didn't get it How is life in Townsville? Great weather's perfect This time of year And how would you describe because people listen from all over the world

How would you describe Townsville to people that don't know it? Great question That is a great question i was thinking about it too what i'd say here um it's it's great like um the weather's perfect like six months of the year there's a few months of the year where it's ridiculously hot but hey we have air conditioning we do have a great island eight days offshore offshore magnetic island that's always a good place to go and we have mountains to climb people do the hill that's the thing we do here we do the hill i'm aware of the hill because someone i know used to do radio in townsville and like what are you doing like i'm off to do the hill wow yeah katherine you've been work at townsville tourism that's made me really want to visit

i love it here i moved here 13 years ago i came for a holiday and went you know what i'm just I work at Townsville Tourism. That's made me really want to visit. I love it here. I moved here 13 years ago. I came for a holiday and went, you know what, I'm just going to stay. Oh, my God. That is so cool. That is cool. That is real good energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Catherine, will you approve today's podcast episode? She technically already did. Most definitely. She already did. Yeah, but again, double confirmation. Great, great, great, great. Hi, it's Kat Tastic from Townsville and I approve this podcast. Now, I don't want to start a fun, lighthearted comedy podcast with a warning.

A warning that it's going to be fun. Now, I don't want to start a fun, lighthearted comedy podcast with a warning. A warning that it's going to be fun. Warning, too much fun. That's actually the warning. Is that? Well, remember, was it my grandma a few weeks ago gave everyone a warning? About Facebook? She said, I don't give Meta permission to use my photos and hereby I thought withstand.

No. Did you see after that, though, the trend that people were sharing give Meta permission to use my photos and hereby I full withstand. No. Did you see after that, though, the trend that people were sharing on their Instagram stories and it was like nothing I post is AI. This is an AI-free zone and Meta can't use. Did you see, like, people posting that on their Instagram stories? No, I didn't. But it had similar energy. Oh, God.

Yeah. Now, Tony, you said something that we all know and I'm not having a go. You said wait until I finish this sentence. No, I, guys. Now, Tony, you said something that we all know, and I'm not having a go at you, so wait until I finish this sentence. No, I would never. We all know is stupid, but we all can agree. Yes. Is that you see that and you go, well, that's obviously ridiculous, and then you're like, but, like, just in case, should we, like.

Just in case. Should we, like. Maybe it couldn't hurt to do it. Yeah. You know, yeah. I think I said I emailed, I forwarded on an email once to my friend to Liam. Because otherwise you wouldn't have sex for five years. Yeah, and he goes, oh Ryan.

But you've got to be careful. Well, you're not going to risk not having sex for five years. Yeah. So, Alexandra Paul, who listens to the podcast, she's a tarpa from- Hi, Alexandra. It's not that Anna Paul that- No, that's Anna Paul.

Yeah. I did for a second go, hang on, what's her name? Yeah, I saw your eyes light up. Yeah, no, sorry. You know, fucking yeah, I know. Here we go. I love Anna Paul. You can Google that on your own time, everyone, and I would recommend not doing it at work.

Alexandra Paul says, I've been super invested in the NHL playoffs, which is the hockey, ice hockey. Great. And my six-month-old has a onesie with our favorite team's logo on it. Shout out to the Edmonton Oilers. Oil, oil, oil, oil, oil. Our son wears the onesie every game and it must be washed at our house.

We washed it at the in-laws once and they lost. Now we know this is probably silly and nothing, but just in case. You're not going to fuck with that. Last time they played, I forgot to put it on him and they were down 2-0 and I went, oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. They need the onesie. So he washes the onesie, got it on him and then they came back, got the next five goals and won 5-2.

That's definitely having an impact. Alexandra Paul then writes, to quote Michael Scott, I'm not superstitious but I am a little stitious. I am a little stitious. Beautiful. Now, I'm like that with Mabel. When Mabel and I watch the Hawks at the moment, they're up and about. Because we're on a hot streak. We're on a hot streak. And then one time we were winning and then I was like that with Mabel. When Mabel and I watch the Hawks at the moment, they're up and about. Because we're on a hot streak.

We're on a hot streak. And then one time we were winning and then I was like, all right, bath time, Mabel. She goes and has a bath. And then poor Adelaide came back from fucking nowhere. Yeah. And I would like to apologize to Hawks fans around the world. That was your fault.

However, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that it's obviously me. I think I'm the Hawks good luck charm. Have you actually been watching? No, but I tip them every week and now that- Are you going to do a footy this weekend? Sure. Oh, actually, yeah. Oh, no, we're in Sydney.

No. Yes. Sorry. I just go where you tell me to go. Yeah. I never know what I'm going to do. Sophie Nixon. I always touch the outside of the plane as I step into it.

I've heard this one. Yeah? Yeah. I've never done. It's not a thing that I do. You kind of forget that it's the outside of the plane because you feel like you're in the tunnel. Because you're in that little condom.

Yeah. Little condom. Yeah. Yeah. I once didn't do it and we lost the hydraulic braking system, had to dump fuel in emergency land at a different airport, resulting in a hefty plate-sized bruise on my leg. Oh, the fuel heater.

What? What? Sorry. Sorry. What's the proof what because they had to land without the hydraulic braking system so why are they bruised imagine landing a plane with no brakes oh my god yeah i don't get it sorry i don't get it i'm actually not a pilot yeah like literally that's why i don't turn left i turn right i sit down the back i'll let them do their thing you know what i'll do a podcast you fly the plane yeah how's

that sound yeah and the pilot goes oh i was actually got a couple of zingers ready to go yeah because then when the pilot goes oh i go that's actually got a couple of zingers ready to go. Yeah, because then when the pilot goes, oh, I go, that's why he's flying the plane and I'm doing the podcast because that can't use a microphone. Beep that. Sorry, everyone. The microphone technique of pilots is out of control. Here's the thing.

Here's the thing about microphones, and I know I'm not the best at it either. Yeah, actually, that's fair. You're allowed to talk into the microphone without your face physically touching the microphone. You don't have to put it into your mouth. And you go, well, I don't know where we're going. Yeah, you're flying. This is now a mystery flight.

Tell it to yourself. Every flight's a mystery flight. Yeah, because you can't tell what they're saying. So Sophie got a bruise. I don't get it. What's the bruise from? Let me read it again. I didn't touch the outside of the plane.

Yeah. And we lost the hydraulic braking system. No brakes on the plane. Yeah. I'm tired of these motherfucking brakes on this motherfucking plane. That's what they said. The brakes are like, I'm sick of this. I'm out.

Yeah. We have to do an emergency landing. Brakes on a plane. Hilarious. Hilarious. Yeah. I'm just going to move on to the next one. Sorry, I don't get it.

Yeah, I know. But I made up for it with that, I think. Yeah, Frank's on a plane. Can we use AI and get Samuel L. Jackson to voice Frank's on a plane? Yeah. That is so funny. We could do a whole bunch of sequels. Like, oh, what sort of meeting are we having for dinner?

Steaks on a plane. Oh, what's his name? Jake's on a plane. Oh, it's show of Tuesday. We're doing pancakes on a plane. I was actually conceived in the Mile High Club, so I was mistakes on a plane. I don't have another one.

When I get to my destination, I'll be up getting the leaves off the lawn. So I'm taking- I don't like a big cake, so I'm just going to do cupcakes on a plate. a big cake, so I'm just going to do cupcakes on a plane. Tony's actually joining Fox News and she's going to be doing hot takes on a plane. Well, I'm not very good at pronunciation, so I'm doing boo-cakes on a plane. Instead of boo-cucky. Then all these guys boo-caked all over.

I'm tired of these motherfucking boo-caks. The boo-caks out of the snakes on a plane. Yeah. When you have to get into uni, it's intakes on a plane. How does Drake travel around? Private jet. Oh. Who's in that jet?

Oh, fuck. Drake's on a plane. Holly. Hi, Holly. Sorry that you had to wait, Holly. That was a very important intermission. Normal or nah, still skipping all the cracks in the pavement as an adult because you're still a little bit convinced something bad might happen

if you stand on the line. Yeah, no, I totally agree. The best thing that ever happened to me was my mum dying because I didn't have to worry about the cracks anymore. Step on a line, break your spine, step on a crack, break your mother's back. Now I don't have to worry. What the fuck? Have you heard that rhyme no

did you guys know that rhyme from that was the rhyme that we said step on a line break your spine step on a crack break your mother's back now i don't have to worry so that's why you're always stepping on cracks is that why she died? No. Broken. Too many people stepped on cracks? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

For stepping on the lines? Yeah, I'm apologising right now. Okay. Up next, the dumbest tarp thread of all time. Oh, sorry. Can I just say one more thing? I actually don't want you. That I would never do Bloody Mary in the mirror, just in case. You know that thing where if you said Bloody Mary in the mirror

like three times that she would appear behind you? You're thinking of Beetlejuice. It's just the same. Yeah. Beetle Mary. Hi, it's Katastic from Townsville and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas on this beautiful hump day.

Beautiful hump day. Candice Graham, good on you, Candice. Ryan Nielsen, Carly Bennett, Jake Morland, and Matthew Chu. Good on you guys. Thank you so much for being part of it. You've been around forever. We love seeing your names pop up in Patreon. Fucking love to see it.

Yeah, Matthew Chu me out, I believe is the full name. Oh, yep, sorry, typo. Yes, let me fix that. Tarpa Marty Ogara. Oh, what a great name. Mardi Ogara. There you go. What did I say?

Mardi Ogara. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. With zero context, just goes, and this is in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group, please come and join 120,000 of our closest friends. Insane. G'day, guys.

Besides a dog, have any tarpers been chased by an animal? 1.2 thousand comments. I mean, that is. Tony is dumbfounded. Luckily he wasn't on the plane with all those snakes. 1,200 comments. Have you been chased by an animal? It was really funny before when you said 1.2 thousand comments.

Yeah. That's a weird way of saying that number, isn't it? How would you say it? 1,200. Oh, yeah, that's fancy. Is it? Yeah. Is it? Okay, 1,200 comments. Over 1 that's fancy. Is it? Yeah. Is it?

Okay, 1,200 comments. Over 1,000 comments. Wait. Yeah? Yeah. Sorry. Over 10 comments. At least one comment in response.

Top responses. Lots of goose. Goose journey Turkey journey You gotta be careful with the turkey journey Chicken and turkeys are in there Emus, cows, sheep as well Chase by a sheep

I feel like a sheep would be a placid happy Little ball of like nummies Well placid's offensive Placid? What? No that's flaccid That's what girls say to you Do you think sheep are bored? Well, placid's offensive. Not placid. What? No, that's flaccid. Oh, sorry. That's what girls say to you. Yeah, I was like, how do you expect, do you think sheep are bored?

What, are you looking at their cocks? Are you not? Sorry, I'm not. Look at that flock of cock. I'm sorry, everyone. If this is your first time listening, it's you. I don't know why you apologise. It's like we say that every day.

No, you're right. Sheep do seem like chillers. She's like... Oh, my God. That was incredible. That was incredible. If you're driving and listening and going, is there a sheep in the studio?

Have they got a real sound effect? No, that was Tony Lodge. And that's one of the top four things she can do with her mouth. Was that a bit goatee? That's a bit goatee. Yeah, there you go. I can do both. Yeah.

What else should I do? Shannon Knoll. Yeah, there you go. I can do both. Yeah. What else do you want me to do? Shannon Knoll. Let's drive anywhere you want to go.

I will take you there, babe. Let me in the crazy horse. That's Shannon Knoll, isn't it? Monique Scott says. He wanted to go to the strip club, got kicked out. Yeah. Well, he didn't get let in to get me kicked out. That's why I said let me in. Adelaide, great place.

Fugazi, the restaurant, very good. Vandal Mall. Monique Scott. Hi, Monique. When I was a toddler, my mum and I were having fish and chips. Oh, yum. And I said, hello, Mr. Pelican. Would you like a chip, Mr. Pelican?

Turns out the pelican really did love the chips. Birds. It's birds, man. So she gave one chip to the pelican and then the pelican got a taste for the chip and was like, well, I want fucking some more of that. It's like meth to them. I've read online. So she goes, well, no, you don't get more chips.

These are my chips. Yeah, I was giving you one. I was being polite. Now you can move along. And remember, Monique's a toddler at the time. Not good negotiation skills. And she goes, well, I'm going to take my chips elsewhere, away from the pelican.

Oh, no. So she walks away and the pelican starts following her. And then she starts running and then the pelican starts running and all of a sudden it's a turkey journey and it's a wild pelican chase. So the pelican is chasing me and mum is chasing the pelican and the tourists were chasing my mum trying to get a photo of the calamity that was unfolding. Oh, my God.

That would be so stressful. There's a kid running, there's a pelican after the kid, there's a mum after the pelican. That sounds like something that would happen on Peppa Pig. Yeah. Like sounds like a cartoon. Yeah. That would be so scary as a little tack up.

And pelicans are fucking huge. Yeah. And pelicans, isn't that how babies come? You're thinking of storks. What's the difference between a stork and a pelican? I think the big. Pelicans have got that. Have you seen Finding Nemo?

Because that's where the little nappy, the cloth thing goes. I thought the baby was in the beak. No, no. Are you sure? Yeah, they're in a little cloth. I think the baby's in the beak. What happened when Mabel arrived? Well, you know when you run away from home back in the day,

you would have a stick on the cloth tied over the back? The red, yes. Yeah, so it's that, but then the stork's carrying that and that's where the baby's in. Do you get to keep the little cloth or is that like theirs? No, but we kept the bird. We've got a bird in our house. That's why I never come over.

Yeah. But the funny thing is that the bird's got its own wing. So you don't need to say it the bird's got its own wing. So you don't even need to say it. It's got its own wing. Ah! That bird's got three wings. One, two, three. Jasmine was chased through a car park by a goose.

What? The goose's babies were stuck and I was trying to help the babies, but the mum didn't know that I was trying to help them. She thought I was attacking them. Trying to take them away. So she's biting at me while I'm trying to get the things out and I was just yelling, I'm trying to help you! I'm trying to help you!

I'm just trying to do the right thing! Oh, my. Because you can't do it. Like, you're supposed to not intervene. But if they're stuck. You're supposed to not intervene. Really? That's like the David Attenborough thing.

He's like, if I'm out filming things, I can't stop. Like, I can't protect an act. Like, you're not allowed to. What if they're's like, if I'm out filming things, I can't stop. I can't protect an at, like you're not allowed to. What if they're like crossing the street? Because there's sometimes ducks cross the street and you go, oh, that little guy's been left behind. I was going to help him along. Nah, so you can stop and let them cross, but you're not supposed to touch them.

Why not? If you touch a baby bird, its mum doesn't want it because it doesn't smell right. What? That's a thing, I believe. Oh, my. But you shouldn't ever touch a baby bird because then the mum doesn't recognise it as its own.

Are you sure? Is someone Googling this? This simply isn't true. There's some myth that circles around the dumb cunt society. No, that's good news because the babies. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I've just let all these birds die. I haven't.

I haven't. And I'm not a bird guy, so I wouldn't get involved anyway. No, but I think this is good news because here you were going around the world thinking that all these like little siblings birds were being. Were getting neglected. Yeah, and they're all good though. Oh, well, I'll help a bird. A bird actually touched me at birth and then my mum was like, no.

It was Mandy. She touched you. She's like, that's mine. Like licking a donut. It's fine. You can fucking have it, dog. I like that. Mine.

Kids. Yeah, your mum went, oh, fuck. Damn it. Again. Just suck with out, dog. I like that. Mine. Kids. Yeah, your mum went, oh, fuck. Damn it. Again? I'm just stuck with this, fuck. All right, Tony, what do you love to see? I've got a love to see here from Katrina. Sorry, the fucking, that thread, the fact that the comments are amazing.

1.2 million divide 100. Comments. I'm going to just trust you on that one. The fact that that thread exists is just amazing and I love to see that. And it's a good time. If you've got three minutes to scroll. Specifically three minutes. You do, you.

Don't let me tell you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can just pick my own time. Yeah. Yeah. Three minutes, maybe longer. Anyway, Katrina posted this um submitted this to our website um i was out for dinner with my mom and um she's not a big drinker i suggested she

try a paloma because she loves like fruity zingy grapefruit that's the restaurant i was trying to think of in london you sent me the place and to Sophie. Yep. She orders a Paloma, takes a sip, and then she's, like, enjoying it and, like, they're having little tapas and whatever. Palomas are delicious. And you and I have talked about Palomas a few times because you remember when we got those little pre-made cups? Yeah. So good.

They are good. Yeah. So they're having a little dinner, having a little sip, a little girls gossip. And then 10 minutes later, Katrina's mum goes, Tony Lodge drinks Palomas. Is that worth having a heart attack for? The thing I love to see about that is that that's the way that we all felt

about ordering a Cosmopolitan and going, oh, I'm Carrie from Sex and the City. Well, you are. You are Carrie 2.0. With the Paloma. And I love that your Paloma drinking is being referenced more times than you've drank Palomas. I've had a few Palomas. And you've been mentioned a few times.

What? So they dumped the fuel onto her. Is what you're saying yeah yeah i'd love to see that yeah no i'd love to see that thanks for the fucking ego boost as well and enjoy that paloma yeah they are zingy yeah it's a good drink like tequila grapefruit and soda or something like that yeah it's a good drink yeah fuck yeah. I do like a spicy mug though. You do like it. Do you know what I like? Old-fashioned. Yeah. I love an old-fashioned.

We've been impartial to an old-fashioned. Where did we go and we drank lots of old-fashioned? We've done it a few times. That night we went for dinner in that underground place. The underground place on Flinders Lane. Yeah. That was quite bougie. Yeah.

I don't remember anything. Not many. I remember walking down the stairs. Could not tell you what happened between walking back up. Not many old fashions made it out of that place alive. Hey, bad day to be in old fashion. Yeah. Not today, though, because it's Wednesday. And I'm a professional working girl.

That made it sound like Europe. You take that how you want. Cassandra. Hey, Cass. How do you love to see it? Cas Europe. You take that how you want. Cassandra. Hey, Cass. How do you love to see it? Casino. Heist movie. That's the twist.

See you tomorrow. Cassandra. I'm back to work after being off for 12 weeks. In brackets, not so much of you love to see it for that part. Oh, 12 weeks. That's a long time. In January, I donated a kidney. What?

For someone as part of a sharing scheme, meaning three people, including my loved one, received a much needed organ. I don't understand half of that, but I know that it's fucking cool. As a doctor, I can understand that. My person is doing great, and after four years of dialysis, their equipment has been removed, and they don't need to have all this set up at home anymore, and they're living their best life.

Now... That is such a beautiful selfless thing to do for someone. It is, but... That's a... Like, what a person. It's actually not selfless thing to do for someone. It is, but... That's a... Like, what a person. It's actually not selfless. Oh. Because it is entitled Cass to wear one of the great T-shirts

you'll see in modern fashion. Check your phone. I've texted it to you. This is Cass, by the way. Cass texts me. Yeah, so... What does it say on her T-shirt? It's a plain grey T-shirt and the text on the front says

of course I'm a kidney donor who wouldn't want a piece of this. So I don't think it's selfless. I think she gave the organ. Just to be, you know, my question is did she even do it? I could make that on my cricket. I don't think that's official merchandise they give you at the hospital. I think she just made that. So you're saying someone in her family has sold the dialysis machine?

For cash. For cash. For Cass. For Cass. And because they've gone, oh, Cass is wearing that T-shirt. I must not be sick anymore. I think I'm okay. Someone better let them know.

I think I'm all right. Take me off the list. No, Cass, that is an amazing and selfless thing. Great T-shirt, though. Yeah. What a fucking conversation starter. You're in the line at Coles. You see someone wearing that shirt and you go, well, tell me about it.

She goes, listen, to the Wednesday 19th of June episode on Tony and Ryan, add a QR code for our podcast to the back of that T-shirt that takes you to this episode. Skip the first 20 or 30 minutes yes because you've got places to be cast she can't she can't be chatting to people at coles she got places to be do you reckon that's like a a pickup t-shirt well it's a you would who would not stop and talk to you about that all right now tell me if this is inappropriate but this is how i say it oh I should say yes.

So she's wearing that T-shirt. Yep. And you go, oh, that's funny. Good on you. So great. Or you go, oh, did you get that off Redbubble? Is that a joke? Who wouldn't want a piece of this?

And you go, oh, first of all, I'd like a piece of that. And if you're missing an organ, I'd like to give you mine. For like a little bit. No. I asked if a little bit. No. I asked if it was okay. No, you didn't. You said this might be inappropriate. What's the answer? I think it's a good pick-up line.

Niche. Niche. You can't use it on everyone. You can't use it on Cass. Well, I exclusively try to pick up girls out the front of the hospital. Because that's one of the place where the line works. Oh, fuck me. Well, that's so...

They wheel them out and you go, oh, I just donated an organ. They go, yeah. And you go, well... Yeah, me too. Fucking hell. I think we should leave and maybe never come back. That's really upsetting, isn't it? It's so funny, though.

It's so funny. The wordplay is just next level. Yeah. It's very good. We'll be back tomorrow. Unless we fucking get taken off the air. Don't give a fuck. Love you so much.

Thank you for listening. And we'll be back tomorrow with Normal or Nah. Nance is nah. This is nah. Yeah, get taken off the air. Don't give a fuck. Love you so much. Thank you for listening. Never hated myself more. And we're back tomorrow with Normal or Nah. Nance is nah. This is nah. Yeah, for sure. Nah. It's a nah from me.

Love you. Bye.