Toni and Ryan - Building IKEA Furniture With A Stiletto

Episode Date: September 6, 2026

On a Monday - Wrong Tools For The Job - Lotto Results - love ya!!!!!Tell us what you reckon in the episode thread in our FACEBOOK GROUPWatch and subscribe on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan and get in the group chat with us!!!Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Didn't have a hammer, put together Ikea furniture with a stiletto. What a bad bitch. You should have gone live on Onlyfans. Done it naked. People would pay for that. I would. Write down ideas. How much?

Yeah. Get me a stiletto. And a credit card. And a G-strip. Hi, my name is Fox. I'm from Tacoma, Washington. Hi, I'm Kaira. And this is Bucky Chan.

And we're from Turner's Beach, Tasmania, Australia. Hi, I'm Jessie from Perth. And this is Lola. And we approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is Dr. Arthur Tony Lodge. My name is Ryan. Happy Monday.

If you knew here, this is a safe place where you can be your true silly self. But it must be said, it's a Monday. We're tired because everyone's tired on a Monday morning. And we've all come in winged and we've all got a gripe. Yeah. And Tapa Jessica has gone, well, I need to get something off my chest for a Monday. Please. Safe space. It should be illegal for computer updates that happen on a motherfucking Monday.

Windows wants to update. Google needs me to log into everything. Tapa Jessica says any other day is fine except a motherfucking Monday. On a fucking Monday. She said last week I was screaming in my car because some bullshit wouldn't load because it had to be fucking whatever.

She goes, I've been on a direct quote. Guessing she's from Australia. Yep. I've been off. It sounds like it. I've been off the darts for 15 years. Oh, yep. And last fucking Monday,

I almost lit up a fatty and shoved it in your job. Yep. IT updates. Fuck off till Tuesday. Do you know what is crazy about the update or when you get like logged out of everything? Yep. It obviously is like, I don't know, 20 days since the last one or whatever it's set to.

It's just like every time it happens. It resets the time and it goes, yeah, I'll do it again next time. Yep. Yesterday I was in the middle of doing something and it goes, it's your time now. 23 days, bitch. Yeah. Yeah, like, here we go. And I was like, but I'm, I'm logged in because I'm already doing something.

I'm midword typing. Yeah, like I'm sending an email that's gone, hang on. You don't mind, do you? I was like, yeah, I do fucking mind. Thank you. So whilst I agree that Monday morning get fucked, middle of doing something, read the room, Gmail. When?

And I actually had a conversation with a person I live with about, a similar topic last night, actually. When is the right time to bring it up, though? You know what I mean? Yeah. What was the conversation like? Something I didn't do, which was true. I didn't do it.

And because I don't know if I told you is every night, Bridget and I go to bed and we say, what's three things we enjoyed about today? Love it. Because I believe you and Torb started doing something about each other. Yeah. And we're doing three things. Just like, oh, I love that.

We can't come up with three things we love about each other. So we've just gone to that. We had to broaden it up a little bit. Bridge looked me up and down and goes, options. Yeah. What if we widened up the... Yeah, because sometimes, you know, we get caught in the negatives and you go,

hey, totally. What if we force ourselves to go and find the good things and say it out loud? Isn't that a nice way to, you know? And it kind of makes you recount the day in a different light. Yeah, and go, that was fun when Mabes and I did that. And I wasn't that cute when she did this.

And, oh, dinner tonight was just a fucking banger. And, you know, it's just a really not. And then so, and then you kind of fall asleep with a smile on your face. So when you do the three things, I suggest that maybe after the three things as you're drifting off, because we do it in bed. We go to bed, we say three things. We fall asleep. That's nice.

And then you say three things. And then you go, you know what you should have done, though? And I went, no. It's not the time. It's not the time. It's absolutely not the time. And then Bridge goes, well, you don't want to hear that any time. And I go, yeah.

But especially now. Yeah. But then she goes, so when is the time? And I go, well, you've got me there. because I don't know. So Gmail, Tony Lodge, when is the time? Yeah, read the room. No, and I don't know, but pick one.

As a society, should we just go cool 4pm Thursday? No, that's a terrible time. That's a 4pm terrible time because you're like trying to wrap up. But it's weekend Eve Eve, you're getting to the, well, the time you get to Thursday, are you're like, fuck it's Friday tomorrow. This week is fucking done. Fucking reload it. I'm not doing anything anyway.

I'm just thinking about the weekend. Can I enter something into this debate? Please. What if Monday morning is the right time? Hang on, hang on, hear me out. Save space. Sorry, Jessica. Just hear me out.

Because you get in and you go, well, I've got to get started. And I really don't want to because I had a great weekend. And I've got to do that thing for my wife last night. And that's, I've left that behind now. I'm at work. Thanks for bringing it out. I'm at work, right? And then the computer goes.

Oh, I've got an update and I go, oh no, I'll have to go get a coffee with my work best friends. Yes. It's almost like scheduled in. Hey, everyone, go do your fucking Gmail reset. Hit reset. Let's walk down and get a coffee and a fucking arm on croissant. Yeah, maybe today starts at 10. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. So maybe Monday morning isn't a bad time. Look at us turning a negative into a positive. And we go, oh, on a fucking Monday. Great. Let's put in the calendar. Yep. Reset computer.

For the 2027 calendars. a little note for every Monday. Yep. Reset computers. Because we're doing the calendars again, by the way. And we did, I don't know if this is for off-air chat, but we have said we need to really underscore shoe spraying week. Absolutely.

Yes, in the calendar. Yep. I'm very excited. In our personal Gmail calendar, it is called show spraying week, which always makes me laugh. Like, it's just a typo. Who type that? I don't know. Three things I love about you is.

Yeah. This I love. This is from Stacey. Hi, Stacey. Don't call Stacey. She's a bitch. Now, lots of people when they find the pod, they'll have a listen and go,

oh, this is great. I might go back to the start or I want to catch up. Yeah. I'm a binger. Yeah. And Stacey's done that. And she's only a few months behind. I wonder if Stacey has used our brand new calculator to figure out how long you would need.

Well, she'll find out about that in three months. Yeah. Stace. Give or take. She won't know. Stace. Look at the calendar. calculator.

I recently listened to the butter episode where Charles and Ryan use a hack saw to open a can of butter. Yeah. And that was a good day. Yeah. That was a great day. It made me laugh as I just broke my in-laws fig tree. And unlike Charles and Ryan, I don't have a saw. So I cut the tree down with some office scissors.

It took fucking ages. So I was wondering, any other tarpers used the wrong tools for the job. Love it. Sorry, the office scissors. It's just, Jesus, is that taking you a while? Stacey.

Yeah, sorry, I don't have a saw. I've just got these little scissors. From office works. Like you just. Yeah. Like paper scissors?

Yeah. What the fuck. It took fucking ages. How hefty is a fig tree branch? I've been there a while. They thicken up. Like a fiddle they think. Like, is that what it is?

Amber. Hi, Amber. My cake. mixer broke, so I attached a whisk to my husband's drill and drill whisk to cake. It was fucking awesome. That is really smart. Yeah. I've seen people do that with like mixing paint. Yeah. Oh, I need a... Yeah. Yeah, sick. Um, I don't recall who we gave those thermomixes to, but I hope it was Amber. Yeah. Well, a thermomix isn't a kitchen aid and I have explained that to you, but that's okay. It's like... They also don't like it when you.

bring the k they use the k word yeah yeah can't talk about kitchen aiding thermomics at same time that i don't like that shelley dixon hi shelley touch me dixon dickinson oh i didn't have a hammer so i nailed something by hitting it with my steel-capped boots gangster when i left um jason pj and i'd been working in breakfast radio for ages so i was so fucked done so tired haven't slept in haven't slept like so over it and then when I started working at the job that shall not be named I had a week off between and I went to Mitchleton that winery right and they um and I'm like is that to prepare yourself for the what was coming well yeah because I'm gonna really need a break after the next six months as well yeah I need to drink a lot because a lot's coming my way and I could foresee that yeah

yeah that weird who ruined my wedding she don't me that as well yeah great anyway um so I went away and I'm like feeling so fancy. I'm like on this holiday. I felt like a grown up. I was on my like, Torbs wasn't with me or anything. I like went by myself. It's a solo gal living her life.

Yeah. And they'd like left a like bottle of wine in the room. Um, but no corkscrew opener. And I was like looking at it and I was like, fuck. Okay. Look,

how am I going to handle this? And any normal person, call reception, you're out of fucking winery. Charles, can we both you and I just make a mental note of what we would have done? And then we'll all compare notes of it. please continue.

Oh, I like this. Okay, let me tell you what I did. So I went on Reddit and I was like, wine bottle, no corkscrew, what do? You speak like I do. And I read something. And I put the wine into a shoe and I banged the shoe on the ground

and the cork shut out. That's amazing. And it did eventually shoot out and wine went everywhere. And if there's one thing I know about red wine, it's very easy to get out. Get out. Yeah. And it's easy to get off a hotel wall,

hotel carpet, and my outfit. Yeah. Yeah, which is great. Although to be fair, hotel wall will see some shit. Oh,

yeah. Like a hotel wall will be like, the white just balanced the, red just balance the white out. Yeah. You know what I mean? The wall goes, red wine.

Yeah. Not the worst 10 things I've had this month. It's better than come. Yeah. Yeah. Charles, how would you have over? I probably would have like used a sore or something because I carry them with me. Yeah.

Okay. So that's my thing. Is that, who has a saw? I would go the, we've just bought a new yacht method and just fucking banged it on, like just knocked the fucking top off. Well, so I did think smash. Was there a handrail out the front of something?

Like a balcony or something. Yeah, because that, they get a bit of purchase on them. I just didn't want the glass. I didn't want the glass to go into the bottle of wine. So true. That's what I don't get about that we've,

we've just bought a new ship. Let's smash the champagne. There'll be shards of glass everywhere. You don't then drink it. So the thing is that you smash the champagne on it. It's to christen the boat. The champagne goes on the boat. You don't then drink it.

Like it's not to open it. It's to put the champagne onto the boat. Because if you got a boat, you've got spare champagne money. No, because you spend all your money on a boat. Then you're going to fill that thing up. You've got to insure it. True. You've got to pay mooring fees, docking fees.

That's why the best friend to have is a friend with a boat. You don't want a boat. You want a boat. You want a boat. You want a boat. You want a boat. You don't want a boat. You don't want a boat.

But no, it's not to drink it. That really pisses me off. Okay. Oh, there's your right. Oh, Slay. Kathy Bell. Hi, Kathy Bell. Kathy North of Bell straight.

Didn't have a hammer. Put together Ikea furniture with a stiletto. What a bad bitch. Actually. That is the hottest thing I've ever. And you know what? You should have gone live on Only fans. Done it naked?

Making furniture with a stiletto. people would pay for that. I would. Right down idea, Charles. How much? He's like, Charles, get me a stiletto and a credit card. And a G-string.

Where will we find one? Charles's floor. Lisa, fuck a few icons rolling in today. Yeah, I love it. These are all iconic behavior. Yeah. Lisa, I cut my head open.

I didn't have any, like, dressing at home. So I drove myself to hospital with a period pad stuck on my forehead. You got to do it. you got to do. Fucking get it. These babes are geniuses. Yeah.

Yes. Women in STEM. Hi, I'm Jesse from Perth and this is Lola. Hi, I'm Kira and this is Vaki Chan and we're from Turner's Beach, Tasmania, Australia. Hi, my name is Fox. I'm from Tacoma, Washington. And you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion typers over at our Patreon.

Our Patreon is a beautiful little community. It's behind the paywall, so it's where all the good shit happens. Ryan's naked a lot. Tony's about to be drilling. Oh, yeah, with my fucking stilettos. Oh, yeah. But we have like a big group chat so all the tarppers can chat with each other if you're a champion tarpa. We did just mention the calendars.

They are coming. I think it'll be November or something, but... If you're a part of it in October, I believe. October? Yeah. If you're a champion tarper in October, you'll get a calendar, which has gone pretty hard the last two years. and we did bring a tapar to Australia with our calendar. And there'll be another golden ticket up for grabs this year as well.

Very exciting. Wherever you live in the world, you can win a trip to Australia. We're going to put you up, have a great way. We'll be sitting in here hanging out with us doing an episode or two. Yep. Did Jesse choose lunch as well? Or did that freak more people out? Freaked people out, I think, choosing lunch.

But we ended up because Jesse and Charbel, his bestie who he brought with him, they'd never had like a Palmer and a lemon. That's right. We all went out. So we went to Moondog and we had Palmers and LLB. And Danielle ordered for herself a circuitry board. Yeah, and fucking slate. It's honestly the best order I've ever seen.

So some of the people that'll be getting a calendar, if they're so champion tubbers. Tammy Hayeson, good on you, Tammy. Luke, Hungerford. I'm hungry for you, Luke. Haley, Casper. The friendly girls. The friendliest girls, Juneau. Penny Anderson, good on your penny.

Rebecca T. Skyler Boots. Boots. Grace Carnes, Jamie Ryan. and Sunny Bourne. What a great name. Sunny born. I love the name Sunny,

like S-O-N-N-Y. Good name. Sunny-B-N-A. Yeah, and the Bourne is B-O-U-R-N-E, like Jason Bourne. I was going to say a relation of Jason Bourne. Yeah, the Bourne ultimatum, etc. Anyway, you look really concerned.

You okay? That's just really throwing me because... Sunny-Born? Well, if Jason Bourne, he's just so capable. Yeah. are you okay when was the last time

that you watched the Bourne movies they're pretty good Torbs and I watched them like do you know what I reckon it was about a year ago because it was when I broke my foot I think it was like

after I had surgery and big watching era well it was like I needed to do things that like weren't scrolling on my phone or wallowing in self-pity so I needed a lot and watched a lot of like actual movies

so that I wasn't just fucking I think that was Fuck him. I think I've only seen one, like maybe half a time. That's so surprising because you love action films. And it's very high-st-adjacent. Is it just James Bond, but he's a different guy? Nah.

Nah, it's quite different to that. And that isn't a real. They're just like... No, but it isn't really James Bond-y, Jamesy Bond go. Because I just think, like, it's car chases, it's guns. It's like a solo man on the run kind of thing. Yeah, but I think as James Bond isn't ever on the run, he's like going into the danger. Oh, and so Bourne's running away from the danger.

Yeah, like, it's kind of like, what does he know? And because the first one is that he doesn't remember who he is. Oh. Yeah. Well, maybe it's me and that's why I don't recall the movies. But they're really good. I really like him. Okay.

I'll watch it today. So. All of them. Yeah. Let us know tomorrow how that went. The reason I've got a bit nervous is because this could be one of the last conversations we have before becoming millionaires. because remember how Cairns was statistically the most likely place to win Lotto?

Oh my God. And then Tapa, Eden, went and bought a ticket for all of us. Do you know the results? I've got the ticket. But do you know how much we won? Manifesting? You already know? No.

Oh, okay. So we're actually finding out together. Yeah, I think we, am I right in saying we can put the website on the screen? And we've got, Eden has sent us the ticket. That's amazing. Yep. Here we go. Actually, before we type it in.

Okay. If someone... Sorry, I love that. Like, we just kind of had a whole conversation about like, how's that happening? Are we putting on the screen? You said, no, I've got it. And then just then you went, I think we've got it on the screen. No, we've got the website to put the numbers into the check the ticket.

You said you didn't want that just before. And that's why just then Charles went. Oh, okay. Well, I'm changing my mind. No, that's fine. It was just quite a hubbub. Like, there was just like a big hubbub about whether it was going on the screen, whether you were doing it.

Like Jason born in the first movie, I don't actually recall any of that. Yeah. Well, there are several eyewitnesses. And we were recording the whole time. Yeah. Question. Question. If you are asked on behalf of a bunch of people,

aka the Tappas. Yep. The best community on earth. To like buy a lotto ticket. Oh, stressful. Would you, would you buy two? Say you bought two. You're like, oh, get one because Tony and Ryan asked me to get one all good at it.

And hey, while I'm at it. the fucking news agency on a Saturday morning. Might as well buy myself one. No, because I think I would want to inject all the luck into one. I feel like in karmic reasoning, I don't want to split the luck over two tickets. But what I would do is I would buy like a big one. You know how you can buy one with like lots of games on it?

You didn't... What's she bought? Guess how many games she's bought? Keeping in mind that we said we'd pay her back. Yeah. I would probably buy, I would probably buy like a 20, I don't know what they're coming different numbers or like 20 or 36 or something. Yeah.

I'd buy a biggie. Yeah. Yeah. You wouldn't go a 48, would you? Eden's gone 12. And I guess my question is, did we really even try? Or do you only need one? Yeah.

You know? No. No, you go. No, I was just going to say, like, on a Thursday powerball, there's like a type of ticket you can buy where you get the... Guaranteed number. Will you get the power ball? Yeah. Yeah, it's called the Power Hit.

I, so I grew up in a lot-oh household. Hello, Rock Bottom Hotel. No. Oh, do they need to talk to me as well? Sorry, they've just called me. Hello. No, I don't need the Power Hit ticket for this week because I think that the ticket we just bought is going to be. a winner, even though we only had 12 chances. Yeah, no, that's okay. No, we actually ended up getting

the wine open. We used a shoe. No, don't worry about sending up the corks, grew all good. Thank you. It's just reception. Making sure okay. I grew up in a lotto household. My mom bought lotto every week, so. Right. Any hits? No, never want to think. I think she earned, made enough, like, hit the big time. I think she won like five grand, which was a lot of money in the 90s. That's crazy. Oh, no, no wins. Oh, just five grand. In the 90s, with inflation, that's $17 million in today's.

That is, that is crazy. But yeah, I think she won, yeah, a few thousand and bought like a new microwave. And, you know, like a few kind of like house things that were expensive back then. Yeah. Anyway, so let's go. Are we ready to check the ticket? I think we've got it in the bag. And the best thing that can happen is that we make the ticket back.

Ready? Yep. Here we go. Oh. Sorry, this entry wasn't one of the 948,722 winning entries in this draw. Quite literally, one in 100,000, pretty much. Go view details. What was the top prize?

Oh, it doesn't have that. As if you wouldn't say what the prizes were. Okay. How am I supposed to dream of having a certain amount of money if I don't know the certain amount of money is. I'm off lottery until this Saturday. That's a shame. I had a good feeling about that. How much did we send Eden for the $11 50 ticket? Well, I think we sent her $11 50. We said we'd pay back like what was worth, didn't we? I thought we sent her 12. Oh, she's bought a fucking curly wery with that last 50 cents. Yeah, you wouldn't buy a Milky Way from the fucking IGA

with that, would you? I wouldn't buy a Milky Way ever, but I'd buy a curly wily. That's why I said it. Wow. Listen. Today's been a real roller contest. Sorry, I'm mad Because I thought we'd won a lot of money Yeah What would you Oh, nah It's a terrible slippery slope game, isn't it?

It's different when there's thousands of us Because it's not you and I Like, we were going to win this on behalf of everyone Yeah, and buy a car wash That's what we said we were going to do I think we would have bought a car wash And I reckon We would have booked out

A cruise ship To go from Miami To somewhere in Mexico across the Gulf and all of the tarpers. 2.1 million. Yeah, we would have booked it out. Three people won $2.1 million on that game that we played. Holy shit.

700,000 people won $9.40. So I would have booked out the whole cruise from Miami to Mexico. That's crazy. And then how many people on a cruise ship? Like a thousand? I think it depends. But I think it's a lot more than that. Isn't a big cruise ship have like 100,000 guests on it?

How many people were on the Titanic? RMS Titanic. Not now. You know? There was 2,200 people on the Titanic. An average cruise ship has between 2,000 and 6,000 passengers. That's a lot of people. I'll go to 4,000-er and then every Ta-Pa-gett a room and we just have a three-day, like...

Fun time. Fun time across the Gulf. Okay. As long as it doesn't turn into the poop crews. And it will, because you'll be there. It was really funny. Yeah, sorry. I've got an update.

Tony Hot Take Lodge has divided. Oh, you're so upset about my poop cruise joke that you want to drag me down. Yes, Charles. I'm so sorry, but during the episode I take notes and stuff, and this has just popped up. Like, no lie. Oh! You're fucking joking. Charles has been signed out.

Should we all go get a coffee? That's what we're saying. Look at his recording notes. What does it say, Tony? Oh, all that says is beep b-b-b-b-s. Lots of times. Oh, Charles, write one down for there. Oh, Charles, you have to beep that.

Yeah. I've got a name. Last week, Tony. Do you remember the beep test, like doing that at school? Yeah. Isn't that harrowing? That is... Like when you did sport, did you do a lot?

Bullying. Yeah. Oh my God. Like institutionalized bullying is the beep test. It absolutely is. Like, I'm going to the stick bay. Yeah.

Like, I'm not doing that. I think I've got the flu. I think I've got my period. What was your record? My record of the beep test. Oh, I don't even fucking remember.

Yeah. Probably one one. It goes, and you go, nah. But I would have just been like, I'm not doing that. Yeah.

Yeah. You obviously really want to say your record. I don't know what I got, but I remember. But you were like, what's your record? Oh. Ask me. No, because top two in my, like, I was in the top two and guess who beat me? Dave Parsons.

No. Oh, yes. Like, I mean, that makes sense. What a bitch. Yeah. I'm joking, Daisy. I love you. Yeah, I mean, the beat.

Do they still do that? I don't think so. Surely not. They do it in the NFL like in preseason to like. Yeah. For athletes. Not for kids at sport, you know? Yeah.

Like, fuck you. Get out an old soccer ball and let us kick it at people. Yeah, like, say, hockey sack something. Last week, Tony Lodge said that bookweek dress up should only be dressing up as book characters. And I'd stand by it. Missy. Yeah, the internet has. I just had to break my phone when it came out.

Well, Missy was with you. She said the amount of Minecraft characters and sports plays is really grinding my gears. Thank you, Missy. And then I had to search through a thousand comments to find another one that was sort of Tony positive. On my side. Yep, that's fair. Andrea, and I think this is, I think this is fair. Yeah. In theory, yes, I'm with Tony.

But in reality, I just want the kids to get the fuck out of the house. So if they put a costume on without screaming, I'll take that. Yeah. We're fighting for our lives out here. Yeah, and that is so fair. Like, I do, I get it. It's just seeing the like, it's fine. It doesn't matter. You don't need another legal. Yeah, I don't.

I stand by what I said, though. Yeah. Because I saw another comment that was like, oh, do you want people to dress up as Tess of the Derb of it, like some really old shit book? Yeah, she does actually.

So fuck you. But that's not, that's not the alternative. It's like, you know, oh, has your kid read the book that it's, this thing is about?

That's fine. It's supposed to get kids reading is the point. Dress up as whatever you want for fucking Halloween or whatever. I reckon I've done more. reading in the last 12 months than I did in the 12 years prior. You've read heaps, like, because the audio books, eh? Oh, but even take out that, like, the reading I'm doing with Mabel now is more than all of the, like, newspapers and fucking whatever, because I just did not read.

And then I'm reading books going, this is fantastic. People should get into this. Yeah. Not only should they, but, like a new thing. Like, they need to, like, it's a great thing to do. not just with your kids, but like for yourself. I corrected her pronunciation of word because she got it wrong. Pronunciation, that's interesting.

Yeah, and I said, oh, you actually say it like this. And then she goes, no, dad, you say it like this. And then Bridget came in and went, she's right. What word was that? Who could tell? Yeah, yeah. Key Ann. Hi, Kian.

When I was six years old, not really bookweek adjacent, but I'll accept the story. When I was six years old, I was... Don't let the truth get the word could say. I was told that, Halloween dress up was supposed to be like scary characters. But there's this old photo of me at school and everyone's dressed up scary,

but I insisted on dressing up as a mobile phone. Well, that is scary now, isn't it? It's the bloody phone. Try scrolling on that and not get depression. Yeah. The ultimate fear. A future horror story. A real slow burner.

Yeah. But it gets you. Yeah. She saw. She knew. It really gets you. I don't think Halloween has to be scary, does it? Well, isn't it based on like trick-or-treating and scared?

and ghosts and like Freddie Kruger. Does it have to be a scary costume though? Maybe that, yeah, I'm off on that one too. Scary, but like predominantly slutty, I believe, is the technical term. I can't wait for Halloween. Same. It's pretty soon. What are you going to do?

Naked. That's the real horror. That is a scary movie. I got you love to see it here from Mel. Hi Mel. And it's actually a shout out to Little Tapa Hazel, who I believe, is maybe six or seven who loves the...

Fuck, sorry I said that age because Charles is doing the thing. Sorry, our fucking six or seven year old's gone nuts. Yeah. Hazel is a tarpa which makes me nervous. Hi, Hazel. Her mum, Mel, has sent through a photo of Hazel. Oh, yeah.

Because Mel said, I gave birth three weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy named Rowan. Oh. And I was only... No need to brag. I was in labour for 88 minutes. Is that good?

Sounds like a long time. I only watch a 90 minute movie, as you know. Well, it's not abnormal for people to do like 24 hours. A day in labour, like a full day. Yeah, and then, yeah. So 88 minutes is like crazy fast. Oh, that's more common for a second though, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. So I know some stuff about being a woman. And my daughter Hazel has been the best big sister helper ever. She would love a shout out because she loves Tony and Ryan and this is Hazel holding little baby Rowan. Hi, Hazel. Hi, Rowan. Oh my God, that is so cute.

Aren't they adorable? Isn't he so chuff to be a big sister? She looks so proud, doesn't she? And look at Rowan's little hat. What a little sweetheart. Hi Rowan. Hi, Hazel. That looks like a homemade blanket as well.

Yeah, I actually made that for them. Did you? So, Mel, congratulations on the beautiful little family. And thanks. I hope you're doing well, Mel. Same. You're given all these shout out to Hazel, but um yeah but you birth to child you actually gave birth to a human so i want she to and holden it

the miracle of love so well done mel thanks for sharing good on you mail i love to see that um i've got you love to see it here from hannah and i was a little bit nasty to hannah and you'll hear why are you standing by the nastiness i am and i think that you'll be on my side oh i can't wait because fuck hannah hi tony and ryan no i wanted to send you you love to see it but my achievements aren't big enough oh no hannah incorrect shut the fuck We don't do that here. Everything is big enough for us. Yeah.

And we are your... Thanks to saying that because I've lived... Including Ryan's microbeaters. I can say that because I're best friends. And it's fucking huge. Ryan's got a fucking slayer on him. It's like a cricket bat. She's overcompensating.

What's that? Is that the word? Yeah. I'm not, though. I think that's why I want to get the Toyota Cacadoo. Yeah. They go, why do you want that big car? I got a massive cock. Have you seen my small dick?

I've got to get a big car to haul around my huge cop. Anyway. If Tony was a guy with a huge cock, she would be the worst human in the world. I actually think that I have that energy anyway. Yeah. Oh, but just any time you're like, oh, well, maybe I'll just get my big cock out. Yeah, but who cares? Because I've put a big cop.

Yeah. Hannah said, okay, so this is not a big enough achievement. Is everyone fucking ready for this? I graduated with a first class. bachelor in science in biomedical science. Fuck off. Then a master's in biomedical science. Got my first NHS microbiology job at band three and moved up to band four, which is like

the pay rungs that you get. Oh, band one and two, no. Yeah, didn't even need them. Yeah. Whatever. Sorry, you've got to beat that. I'll just start on band three. Yeah.

And now I'm in band four. So, uh, and now I've just been offered a trainee biomedical science band five role. I hope I never meet Hannah. It's the exact job I went to uni for and I've managed to get it only a year after finishing full-time studying. I'm finally on the path to my dream job and I'm so proud of myself. Hannah, get fucked. Yeah. Like literally, you saying that you fucking finished with your first class bachelor, even without all the other incredible achievements, you've already fucking slaget it.

You've already won. You have already, unlike us, won the lotto. I also didn't even finish uni. So, Hannah. So what did she do for her PhD? She... Oh, are you even fucking trying? Yeah, so Hannah, you really need to work on that.

Is she even trying? Yeah, so Hannah Church, the only church I want to be inside of. Yeah. Because you're a fucking genius. But good on you, Hannah, you're fucking... But honestly, amazing. Slay. Hannah, all achievements, both whether you think that they're big or small, all welcome here, always.

And I think it goes without saying. And we love to celebrate you. Yes. Hannah, I hardly know. Well, we don't know. She's too smart for us. Yeah. So good on you, Hannah.

We love to say it. Oh, tomorrow on the show, someone sent through a confession. And whilst I don't doubt that it's true, I'm also like, well, no. I think it's a lie. I'm on your side. No, no. Let's save the comedy for the comedians. You know what I mean?

That's all I'm saying. Charles doing something tomorrow. Also, this has come through the confessions form because they are annoyingly anonymous. You know how sometimes we go, oh, tell us in the comments and we kind of move on and forget about it? Yeah. Let me just read you the first line of one of the confessions tomorrow. And they said, I've obviously sent this through the confessions line. You weren't asking for a confession, but I'm not putting my name to this.

Yeah. Hi, y'all. You were joking the other week about the weirdest places you've been fingered? Well, here the fuck I am with my answer. I love it. Is it a confession or is it a you love to say it? They've submitted it as a confession, but... No, but should it be?

You love to say it. Legally... I'm just going to leave that there, actually. Yeah, okay. You'll find out what it is tomorrow. And I think, yeah, how crazy is being younger. high school college just think it was fun to get fingered wherever we wanted you know right can you imagine like you can't get parked at fucking fingered in a park at night time like do you remember that hypothetically

do you remember there was that park where guys just used to finger girls across the street from alpham high and so when oh no i don't remember that yeah there was this part and everyone just just and i was like i was walking beach and i was like hey beach let's go to that fingering park because lull i bet someone's getting and there was there was there fucking was because it's the classics are a classic for a reason. Yeah. One of the places in her... But like, 15 years after I graduated,

it was like, bring a tear to my eye because I'm like, yeah, some traditions... Bring a tear to her third eye, hopefully. Some traditions just are born to last. Yes, they are.

There is, unfortunately, speaking of traditions born to last, this one wasn't. The old hookup place like in Rollystone is called Zigzag Hill. Chaud all. That's closed after 8pm now. Oh, they know.

They closed the road off. Because we used to go that up there and like hang out listen to music and stuff see you tomorrow cool what time does the Perth show finish can we get there

can we get there before right roll in at 753 and fucking whip it out finger guns quite literally all right love you see you bye