Toni and Ryan - Clam to Fame

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

THIS TITLE IS NOT A TYPO.... Beware the clam 🐚 Love u! Toni xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge and Evan. Now, how are we backing in Evan or is it like a van? Evan. It is in Norway. Does that change? Oh, there's Norway he's going to answer. Hit dial, producer Ken. I want the out. Hello, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Hi. Hi. Now, we pronounce your name Evan, is that right?

Or how do we say it? In Norway, we say E-A-V-E-N. Evan, should we go to the IKEA? What? That's Swedish. That's Swedish. That is actually quite offensive. Yeah.

Well, will you approve today's podcast all the way from Norway? From Norway, I will approve. Thank you. Evan, though, we got your name a bit wrong. This is Evan from Norway and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today. I have, this is Tony talking, by the way, a foolproof way. Thanks for letting me know.

Just in case. Just in case I haven't introduced myself yet. Oh, Cam, just to let you know, Tony's talking now. I just want to let everybody know that that was Ryan and this is Tony now. What are you doing? I just thought it'd be a bit funny. Yeah, and do you regret it? Oh.

I have a foolproof way to unpack your house. Really? Is it by being in another country? Lol. No. No? Okay. Because the unpacking didn't happen.

What? And that's okay. We're all dealing with it. So Torb's got the boxes to the house, but he didn't happen. What? And that's okay. We're all dealing with it. So Torb's got the boxes to the house, but he didn't unpack them. And he took a week off work. Oh, don't do that. What did he do for the week? That was moving.

What did he do for the week? Packing at the other house, moving. He moved on the Monday and he flew out on a Saturday. No, the removalist came in on the Tuesday. Well, what did he do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday? He was cleaning the old house. Yeah. So I can't even be a dick about it.

You can't. I will. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you're not related to this situation. Yeah, all good, all good. Now, yesterday during confessions, I planned on telling some Maz stories, which for those who missed out last week was some When Masturbation Goes Wrong. Yeah.

But what did we get carried away banging on about? Foreskins. Yeah. And we called Ben and Liam. Celebrity Foreskins. HeadandHelmet.com. Yeah. HoodieOrHelmet.com.

HoodieOrHelmet.com. HeadandHelmet.com. That's a different website if you Google that. That's different. Pretty similar, I reckon. But I thought, hey, let's just dive into some Maz stories for a hump day, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I mean, if we haven't had enough of the foreskin,

now we've got the foreplay. This Maz confession is dedicated to everyone in the 2000s that had a flip phone, like a little flip phone. You couldn't even access the internet back in those days on the phone, could you? Or if you did, it was like you got two hours a month and it never worked. You'd hit the button and you'd hang up like 90 times

to make sure that your mum didn't get the bill or whatever. When I was a horny young lass, I discovered my new flip phone had that silent vibrate setting. I'd pretend I'd lost my mobile and thus had to use the cordless house phone to call and find it. mobile and thus had to use the cordless house phone to call and find it. I then sit on the lost phone and use the vibrations to get myself over the line. That is the hottest story ever.

It gets hotter. Oh, it doesn't get hotter. I don't know if hotter is the right word. First, it was over the top of the pants. Then I graduated to just like just over the underwear. And then one day, unfortunately, I decided to go phone to skin. Can you not go phone to skin? I was getting really into it. And in my horny, hazy stupor, I accidentally pushed it in

and had the best time of my life. The phone was in the fanny? Mm-hmm. Hmm. Oh, okay. Yeah. And they said it was the best orgasm they've ever had at the time. Phones used to be smaller. Yeah, like the little flip phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the they said it was the best orgasm they've ever had at the time. Phones used to be smaller.

Yeah, like the little flip phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the little clamshell phone. Yeah, don't say clamshell. Well, you couldn't fit a fucking 14 Pro Max in there is all I'm saying. Not that I should. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You know what, man? The post-nut clarity washed over me.

You know, and you're just suddenly like, it's like you're sober up in a second. And then I realized the phone was still in me and I panicked and started grabbing at it, but I couldn't get it out. My life flashed before my eyes. It was really boring. How was I going to explain this to my mother? She starts ringing and then you start to come again and you're like, no, I've got to get this phone out.

I prayed no one would call me. How was I going to explain this to a doctor? I was not going to go through that. So I squatted down. I gritted my teeth and I gave birth to my flip phone. Samsung. It was a pretty traumatic Wednesday afternoon. Wednesday afternoon?

Watch The Simpsons. What are you doing? No. I've never told anyone this story before. Thank fuck for the tarp anonymous confession section. You know what? This is what the confessions are for. You had to get that off your chest.

I'm glad that you could share that with us. I guess my first thing is I imagined that she would be, like, holding the phone on vibrate,rate like just on the clit. On the front, yeah. On the front. Well, not in. And I get that, oh, I got so carried away that it went in. Is that a normal thing that can just accidentally go in?

Let's not say normal, but it's not how I would imagine it would have taken place. Though when you're young, you don't really understand your body and you'd be like, well, if it feels that good on the outside, imagine how good it would feel if it was on the inside. Well, it did feel great on the inside until reality and logistics set in. The post-nut clarity. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Thank you for trusting us. If anybody's listening, please don't put a phone in your pussy. Like just as I feel like medically we should give like a little heads up. Is this a warning from Dr. Tony Lodge? Dr. Tony Lodge. That was the OC theme, but I meant to do like Dr. Oz or something. Yeah, what's that got to do with Marissa? She probably put her name in my pussy.

Why would you? Before she died, RIP, because she did die on the show. Did she? Is that because she got fucked up in Mexico or was that a different episode? No, that's different. When they went to Tijuana? It isn't then. She does get messy there.

When Seth and Rachel had to sleep on that cock. Rachel Wilson is her summer. Yeah, and they had to sleep on that cock, grossed, infested. Yeah. She's a bit of a bitch, Rachel, in the show. Her name is Summer. She's a bit of a bitch. A bit of a dick.

She treats Seth bad. Why can't she just be nice? Because she was a cool girl. A cool girl a dick. She treats Seth bad. Why can't she just be nice? Because she was a cool girl. A cool girl? No. But back then that was what it was, wasn't it? But then they end up like totally fully in love. Oh, do they?

Yeah. Oh, I, like most people, did not get past episode seven. Oh, it's a good show, but you stop. Good enough to get three whole seasons. Well, I think it has four. I think like at the end of season three, if there's four seasons, you can stop at season three. But if there's three, you can stop at season two. Whenever Marissa dies after that, it's not very good.

Okay. Because then Taylor, the other girl from the show, she becomes a big part of it. No, that's not for me. Yeah. If your partner made you a mixtape cd like back in the day yep how would that make you feel um it's pretty romantic remember i shared on the show that that guy went to uni with sean he made me that mix cd and how'd that go for him

yeah um we're really good friends yeah yeah yep and that's it next Next. No, it's very sweet. Did you do that for someone back in the day, Ryan? No. Do you hit play and record from the radio at the same time? I did that at night to make my own little best of. Oh, I used to do that too. Welcome to Tony FM. Yeah.

I didn't back announce. Oh, I did. Oh, really? Yeah. Have you got any of those tapes? No way. Have you got a little air check? No. Were you hooking me through? Yeah. Have you got any of those tapes? No way. Have you got a little air check? No.

Were you hooking me through? Yeah. Was there a secret sound? Probably not very well. No, there was no secret sound, but it would be like, oh, there's Delta Goodrum with Born to Try. You're listening to Tony FM, and then the next song would start. Was Tony FM the only name you considered for your station?

It was. Yeah. Name it after the star. I feel makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I did so well in my radio career. So just again, in one word, if someone made a mixtape for you,

how would you feel? Special. Atapa said, as a young gay boy, it made me feel horny. Oh, my God. I hope he doesn't have a flip phone. My cute. There's a circumcision, you know what I'm saying? Snip it right off.

My cute crush wrote something hot on the CD. You spin me right round, baby, right round. So I'll just be careful what I was saying before I heard the rest of it because when I found some quiet time, I put myself in the hole in the middle of the CD and moved the CD up and down until it started feeling really nice. But then it made me really hard and thus expanded my gear and all of a sudden it was stuck.

No way. So just to put all the pieces together, his bits were in the hole of the middle of the CD and he was fully erect and thus it was, it would almost like chop it off. Well, it would chop the circulation up. It's not a very big hole. I'm not making judgments on him, but it's not a big hole. It's not a big hole, but also a CD has no give.

No. Like, it doesn't stretch or move. It's not flexible. Like, it's a hard piece of plastic or whatever it is. Like, there's no room to move in there. Did the CD just crack off? Like, what happened? I had to wait for my mum to come home to help me

with some cold water and some lube to remove it. So do... You wouldn't have even been able to put that in your pants because the CD, the angle that, like... If he fell over, he could play a tune. Well, how would you react if, a mate said to you, bro, like I've got myself in a situation. Like how would you even help?

I'd help by filming. Yeah. Because it would be hilarious. I just, fuck. Oh, my God. Yeah. Thanks, mum. Mum saw the message on the CD and who it was from.

And that's how I came out to my mum. You're already out, I guess, technically. Like, cards on the table. Now, I'm also not a doctor, but I would also like to give some advice. Small disclaimer, don't put your cock in a CD. And I've always said that. You have always said that. Hi, this is Evan from Norway,

and you are listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Jessica Carr. Jessica Carr. Good on you. Miss Lisa. Or it might be Miss Lisa. Casey Lane. Matt Betancourt.

And Shelby Fleshman. Thank you so much, everyone, for being part of our Patreon Bettencourt, and Shelby Fleshman. Thank you so much, everyone, for being part of our Patreon. Don't wink when you say Fleshman. I can't help it. Now, on Saturday morning, Australian time, you figure out your own fucking time zone. Yeah, we don't know how to do that. We're doing a teleparty with the Champion Tapas.

Yes. Which means we'll all be watching. We haven't decided yet. We'll do a poll in Patreon today, but I think we're going to do like a Netflix Christmas movie and they're all like a trashy shit one. Now, is it true that you've seen the incest one? So I watched the Christmas switch. Is that what it's called?

With Ed Helms? Ed Helms and Jennifer Garner's in it. Great cast. And I had just seen like it's shit Christmas like family movie and I was like how good. And I was like, how good? And you know, the classic switch up movie, how like the, like in Freaky Friday, the mom and the daughter switch and in big, just like the kid gets big. It's only only like one instance of a switch.

So what's the switch in this one? So the mom becomes like, and the daughter swap. Yeah. But the dad and the son swap as well. It's like a family swap. So does that mean when mum and dad are doing the hippity-dippity, it's the brother and the sister? Well, so I mentioned I'd watch this and you said,

is that the incest one? I've just seen a headline where people are like, is this a bit fucked up? So it's a little bit cooked because there's a couple of moments where like, no, they don't do bit cooked because there's a couple of moments where like. No, they don't do it. But there's a couple of moments where they're like the daughter and son are like kind of like kicking ass together. But it's like the mum and dad and they kind of give each other a bit of a look and you go. Because inside their bodies is like the mum and dad.

So the dynamic is a bit strange. I thought you were going to say that mum and dad did the hippity-dippity. No, that obviously does not happen. That is the most porn-cooked theory I've ever heard in my life. No, but when you said the names and there's a bit weird incest-y, then I went, well, obviously. Okay, you brought the incest up, but there's just a couple of moments where you kind of go, is it going to get a bit strange?

Who plays the kids? I don't know. I'm normally really good with that, but I don't know. I didn't look. But, yeah, so it's just like, and they're teenagers or like whatever, and nothing happens, but there's just a couple of moments where you kind of go, that's actually a bit odd that they've done that. Okay.

Some editorial's been made. It never crosses a line, but there's just a couple of times when I went, that's a bit odd. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So we're not going to watch that one, obviously. Well, I've already seen it.

Okay, we'll watch that now. But we'll be doing some voting on Patreon today. A good Christmas movie. Yep. I mentioned before that I have a foolproof way to unpack your house. Foolproof. Foolproof. Easy for anybody.

It's foolproof. Anybody including you? I've come up with this way and let me tell you. Will we call it the lodge method? Oh, we can, yeah. Okay. Except I think that there's a few things we've called on this podcast the lodge method.

So if you refer to the lodge method, it could be anything. Anything, yeah. Yeah, finding your pussy, like many things. Anyway, so we kind of touched on the fact that I've just moved house. Yeah. And while I was away overseas, my boyfriend, Torbs, packed the house and moved everything. And was supposed to unpack.

Well, that actually wasn't part of the deal. I was like, if everything just gets to the new house and the old house is sorted out and cleaned and, like, we can give the keys back and get our bond back and stuff, that was all I cared about because then Torbs was going to meet me on holiday. Yeah. So I said to him, I was like, actually, don't worry

about unpacking anything unless it's something that you need. Like he set the bed up because he was sleeping and stuff. But I was like, aside from anything essential in the kitchen or whatever, don't stress about unpacking it. I'm happy to do that when I get back, which is it's completely fine. Anyway, we were on FaceTime before he met me in Hawaii and he goes, I've just thrown everything in the house. And I was like, that's okay.

Yeah. Because the time pressure, there was a lot on. It was stressful. And because he was doing it by himself, it was like him and he got a removalist truck and my sister ended up coming and helping with quite a bit. And I was like, it's just you. Like if it was the two of us, I'd be like, oh,

move everything into the right room and stuff. But I was like, just get it in the fucking house and then get on that plane. Like who cares? People wasn't there. I was like, we don't have to worry about there being shit everywhere. People wasn't there. I was like, we don't have to worry about there being shit everywhere.

Anyway, when I got home, I didn't realise how bad, like, just throwing everything in could be. Oh. Because there was just stuff everywhere. And he had done his best to move the things into the right rooms and stuff. But there was just, like, boxes, like, in the middle of the kitchen. And so I was like, oh, this isn't really, I don't want to slowly unpack. I kind of want to unpack it so that we can enjoy the house. And I quite enjoy unpacking.

I don't like packing. Well, unpacking, it's like Christmas. You're finding stuff and you get to put it things and you're imagining your life using the thing. No, I get it. Whereas Torb's like he's happy to pack and move because he likes the Tetris of it. Yeah. He likes the problem-solving part of looking at it and going,

okay, well, that can't fit there so we'll have to do it, whatever. So it had been packed really well but there was just fucking shit everywhere. And anyway, I, like a long time ago, the first house we ever moved into, I said, yeah, well, I'm happy to unpack. And he goes, well, I like to pack. And I was like, well, we're the perfect match and this is going to last forever. And we came up with this game, which is a foolproof way of unpacking your house and I need to share it.

So say you walk into the kitchen and you go, oh, where have you put the coffee cups? I go, where do you think they are? And he goes, ooh. And then so instead of the bias of me being like, they're in that cupboard, then you go, oh, I don't really like them there. You go like, oh, if this is where the kettle is, here is naturally where I would reach for a coffee cup or whatever. And then the game is like if then he opens the cupboard

and they're in the spot that he thought they were in, it's like, great, they should stay there. Oh, and if they're wrong, then they should move? Or he goes, actually, that makes more sense. Or he goes, oh, I would have put it there. And then I go, yes, let's move them there. And then that thing can go in here. Okay. So what it sounds like is you just discussing where to put stuff.

No, no, no, no, no. Because I've unpacked everything. And then he comes in and goes, yeah, like that's where I would reach for a coffee cup. And I go, well, that's where I've put them. And then he goes, oh. And then I go, say you're making a piece of toast and you need a plate and a knife and whatever. And he goes, oh, well, I'd grab a plate from here.

And boom, that's where the plates are. I grab a knife from here. Pretty obvious because of cutlery draw. And then like. And the bread comes out of the toaster. Three from three. Oh, here we go. Well, where else would you put the bread?

Where would you put the bread? Where would you put the bread? No, no, no. The thing is, is that this is so good because, you know, when you're moving and everything's really hard and you've probably had a couple of snips at each other. Do you guys get snippy? No, not really. But, like, I imagine for everybody,

moving house is a fucking tense thing to, like, go through. It sucks. Yep yeah it's really hard it takes forever and you just want to be settled in your new home and this is just like a fun one because the kitchen is one of the hardest things to unpack because you're not only unpacking for you because if i went in there and went oh well i'm short so i'll put everything on the bottom yeah like that doesn't work so if say if it was like a legitimate game, like what would Torbs and yours score have been? Oh, we're pretty good now.

I reckon we probably would have gotten like nine for ten. Really? Yeah. What was the tenth one? What was the one that missed? So I put the cheese grater in a cupboard on the left, like kind of out of the way, and he went to get the cheese grater from where the pots and pans were, which at our old house,

that's where it was. But at the new house, we've got a bit more space in the kitchen, so I put it up on the left-hand side. And he said, oh, where's the cheese grater? It's here. And then I went, nah, it's not. And he said, where is it? And I showed him and he went, well, that's the cheese grater? It's here. And then I went, nah, it's not. And he said, where is it? And I showed him and he went, well, that's the right spot in this kitchen.

Okay. I don't want to say that's nine and a half. I say that's a good result. Because we agree. Yeah. All right. That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

But it's a really good way of like they're not – because if you're in a snip with someone and you go, where are the coffee cups? They go there and you go, well, why? And you go, where are the coffee cups? They go there. And you go, well, why? But if you, like, do it yourself first and then you can't just be like, for the sake of being a jerk, you can't just be like,

well, that's not where I would have put them because it's like you're playing blind. Torbs could say that. If Torbs was a dick, he could go, oh, I guess there. And you go, well, they're over there. And he'd go, why would you do that? Well, then I probably wouldn't move in with him. Yeah. If he was someone that was going to do that.

I think the concept of making a game of anything is always great fun. That's true. So Mabel hates having like when you like need to like wipe her nose with a tissue. Yeah. She hates it. But then if you pretend the tissues are plain and it's like coming to attack. Kids are so stupid.

Yeah, they're fucking idiots. And it's fantastic. And I'm glad that it's working for you and Tom. Yeah, it's like coming to attack. Kids are so stupid. Yeah, they're fucking idiots. And it's fantastic. And I'm glad that it's working for you and Tom. It's going really well. I'm like, the cheese grater's a plane. Yeah, ooh, look out. It's coming to grate the cheese. So the kitchen's all settled now?

Yep, kitchen's set up. Actually, every room's done except for our, like, my stuff in the bathroom. Yep. Are you guys going to share? Because now you've got multiple bathrooms. We do. Is one going to take the lead on the ensuite

and maybe someone take the lead on the other? We did talk about that, but I don't think so. Yeah. Because we're never getting ready at the same time anyway. Yeah, and the ensuite's kind of nice. It is. It's nicer than the other bathroom. No one's going to want to give that up.

Nah. I don't reckon either. Nah. It's got a lot of natural light in there as well like there's a big window does it make you look real good in the mirror the natural light um because you know when you're in a dark we do but you know when you're in a dark room and sometimes there's shadows and you're kind of like yeah i also have never had a um so because i've only ever like lived in apartments or like small houses or whatever i've never had a bathroom with like like, natural light before. And I didn't even think about it. And I was in there the other day and I was like.

Why do I look fucking awesome? Well, I was like, it's really nice showering in there. Yeah. Because you kind of, like, get, like, you can see outside and it makes you feel, like, excited for the day. I tell you what's a real flex that I've seen in some new houses, like some fucking rich people houses and shit. Oh, yeah.

A skylight in the shower. Over the shower. I've seen that on Instagram. Yeah, same. Where dreams are made of. Yeah, and you can just look straight up. Yeah. But we're starting at windows and we'll get there.

Yeah, I mean a window. It's basically a skylight for the side. A sidelight. A skylight for the wall. A sidelight. A skylight for the wall. Sorry. I've got to get a love to see it here.

Yep. Now it starts bad. Oh, no. No, but that's why I'm giving you the heads up. Like, it's a good ending. Okay. Tar for Sophie was rushed to hospital last month when her bladder burst. Your bladder burst? That's fucking painful shit right there, I'm guessing.

Doesn't that, wouldn't that kill you? Pretty close. I was in so much pain, I couldn't even talk. I couldn't even open my eyes. Oh, Soph. In between the- Soph, wait. Well, she couldn't Soph, wait.

Sorry. In between the intense waves of pain, my girlfriend asked if I wanted to pop something on to distract me and I gestured for my headphones and she put Tony and Ryan on. Oh. Despite there being a hole in my bladder and despite being in the A&E for six hours with no pain relief. Six hours.

And despite not being able to talk or open my eyes, I was able to laugh. Tony and Ryan, you two are legends. Now, they say laughter is the best medicine. Wrong. Medicine is the best medicine, says Sophie. Yep. But you guys still kind of helped.

Actual medical intervention and care relieved the pain. But you guys were also helpful. If you were the only option, though, I would have been fucked. That's fair because I'm not a real doctor. No. Yeah. I know. You rarely admit that, though.

I know. Even though we all kind of know, you rarely admit that. I have recovered and me and my girlfriend are coming home from the UK to Australia next year. Thank you for putting a smile on our dials. She really pissed herself laughing. She had an emergency. Sorry, Sophie. Yeah.

Hope you're okay. Yeah. I do love to say that she's okay. Obviously not the other things. Yeah. Beautiful. Thanks for listening to our podcast. Do you want to hear mine or should I go?

You go. My love to see it is that last night I realised I need fuel and I didn't say I'll just get it in the morning. So this morning I got into my car full of fuel. Too much fuel even. The weight ratio was off. It was right off. But you know how every time you notice you need fuel and you go,

oh, just do that in the morning. And then in the morning you want to go back in time and punch yourself in the face. Yeah, and you wake up and go, oh, maybe I'll get an extra five minutes sleep. And you go, oh, fuck me. Fuck, I've got to get fuel. I've got to go to the server. Well, I didn't fucking do that.

And I got it. And then this morning I went, whoo! Yeah. Yep. Guess who was a smart bitch? Me last night. I do love to see that. And let this be your

message. If you need fuel just fucking get it. Don't put it off till tomorrow. Please. Please. And if you're watching this from in bed the following morning and you didn't get fuel last night. Shame. Go fuck yourself. this from in bed the following morning and you didn't get fuel last night,

go fuck yourself. Alright, tomorrow on the show, Normal or Nah returns and there is a dog related one that I don't think Tony does this, but it's got Tony energy.

And I wouldn't be surprised if maybe you didn't and we just haven't heard about it. Or maybe I do this after i've heard the normal or nah maybe i go oh that is a bit of me that is a bit of me yeah okay um but for pen i mean i've got all that fuel all right we'll chat to you then love you bye