Toni and Ryan - Coming out at Christmas

Episode Date: January 4, 2022

Please tell me you read the title Coming out at Christmas to the tune of 'taaaaking care of business'. Just me? Cool. Normal or Nah and some ruined Christmases today. Love ya!!! Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good morning. Good morning. It's Australia calling. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Not too bad. It's Ryan and Tony.

Yeah, it's not the whole country. Not the whole country. Just us. It's not the whole country. It's actually funny because I was telling people at work, I'm like, hey, guys, just so you know, Australia's calling around midnight. They're like, oh, big deal.

Kind of is. Will you tell them it is a big deal? It's a big deal. We've got a lot of them. We've got to worry about like spotters and sharks and stuff. So it's currently I think about 105 degrees Fahrenheit, but 38, 40 degrees here. What temperature is it?

Where are you and what's the temperature there at the moment? I'm in downtown Toronto and it is currently minus five and freezing rain. It is not fun. And Christmas Day it was freezing rain. The day after Christmas was a blizzard. So the weather is pretty funky right now. What's something about Toronto, Canada that the rest of the world, especially here in Australia, don't know about?

Oh, that's actually a good question. People that have lived here for quite a bit and are, like, really into sports, we're definitely big sports fans here. We're all about the basketball team, you know, the Toronto Raptors. Of course. All about the Leafs, even though, in my opinion, the Leafs really aren't that great. But the thing is, like, for the last six or seven years, I've been, like, so hardcore into school and, you know, getting my degree

and focusing on that that I've kind of lost all, you know, you know tv and sports and like extracurricular yeah you've actually got a life and a brain so that's probably a good decision I support you why listen yeah yeah why are you listening to this if you're smart and then even now because like I'm a registered nurse so I'm working all the time and I think just this month I'm working 47, eight hour shifts. So it's a lot. And that's what I'm like putting all of my effort into because I'm moving to Australia in October.

Whoa. Yeah. So I'm putting all of my time and effort into, you know, saving up for my visa because my visa alone is about $4,000. So I have to pay for that. If you just marry Tony, you could get a marriage visa. That'll save you $4,000.

There you go, you can get a special visa. And if you just pay $1,000 a month, I could marry us as well in the Patreon. Perfect. All right, we're about to get started. We're wondering if we could get your Patreon. Perfect. Smaller deal. All right. We're about to get started. We're wondering if we can get your approval. Absolutely.

I would love to approve for you guys. And just one thing before you guys go, you know, being a frontline worker, you know, for the last year and a half, it's been a lot, especially in downtown Toronto, where we're one of the hardest hit areas. And our work has been our life for the last year and a half and we're putting all of our effort into it and I know I haven't seen my family in over a year so even just listening to your podcast has brought a sense of normal life and given us a break from you know the funkiness and the stress and, you know, the sadness that we have seen in the whole COVID thing.

So you guys might not think it's much of a big deal, but it really has helped me a lot because, like I said, I don't see my family. I don't get to see my friends. So it's made a huge difference. So I just want to say thank you. Thank you guys for that. Oh, well, thank you so much for saying that.

Tony, get her the Kleenex. Yeah, Tony, she's crying. Tony and I were looking at each other going, this lady is doing her Masters. She's working really hard. What on earth is she doing listening to us? But I guess now we know, Tony. It's nice to be someone's brain break.

Honestly, you have been because when we're at work, we have to use all of our mental energy. And when I leave work, it's definitely a brain fog. But listening to you guys makes life feel normal again. So it makes a big difference in my life. And thank you very much for that. You know when they have a movie poster and it's got these reviews and stuff on it? And she'll be like, Tony and Ryan, when I'm

so fucking exhausted, I don't have any brain cells. I just need to hear something that's dumber than I am in this moment. Tony and Ryan are those people for me. Put that on a t-shirt. It's Holly from Toronto and I approve this podcast.

So back last year. Last year. Before Christmas Day. Last old year. We talked about Christmas Day horror stories or Christmas Day mishaps, people reminiscing about horrible stories that have happened to them in the past. Tony, both of us have got some messages of some new contributions to the list.

And surprisingly, well, I don't know about yours actually, yours is a surprise, but I was expecting more messages of people being like, oh, my Auntie Diane and Auntie Christine fight every year over who's going to bring what. And it wasn't like that. It was a little bit of a different flavour than maybe I was expecting. Okay, in one word, how would you describe yours? We'll get to them soon, but one word.

Ruined. Okay. I would describe mine as harrowing. You say harrowing a lot. Do I? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, you say harrowing. You say harrowing a lot. Do I? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, you say harrowing like every five minutes.

I would describe it as, can I use two words? Yes. Three words. Yes. The family has changed. That was four. Can I say it in four words? Yes. The family has changed.

Oh, challenge you to four words. All right, that's coming up. But, Tony. I've got a normal or nah. This one was posted in our group by Dylan Bowling. Hi, Dylan. Hey, Dale. Normal or nah?

Eating mac and cheese with a spoon instead of a fork. Normal or nah? I'm going to say normal. I'm for it. Me too. I always use a spoon. But does this rub people up the wrong way? I got into it, Dylan says, I got into an argument with my best friend

about how you eat mac and cheese and she keeps saying with a fork. The obvious answer is spoon. I actually, now that I think about it, and because I'm a bit of a clumsy eater, I rarely leave a meal with a clean shirt. Unskate. Unskate. I've never left a restaurant unskate.

The precision to be able to. Because you've got to conk it. Prick it. Yeah, you've got to get it. With a fork. Whereas a spoon you can scoop up half a while at a time. Yeah, but then you're scooping and you're flopping and you're falling. And I think when you're trying to get the last slippery little suckers out,

you end up just spooning the same piece of macaroni and around in a circle like you spooned chasing it. Yeah. Whereas with a fork you can get it. So this is a big. I've got a couple of weird things about utensils. Okay. So I can't hold a knife and fork.

What do you mean? So I can, I'm just trying to think of how this. What have you been doing for the last 28 years? I've seen you, have we eaten together? Yeah, we have. And you do. You maybe didn't notice. You hide this.

But it's fucking weird. Like, so I can use utensils in my right hand because I'm right dominant. But. Even the way you're holding your hand in the air. Yeah. But then if I have to. So if I'm just using a fork or a spoon or a knife in my right hand, no problem.

But if I'm using a knife in my right hand and my fork in my left, I hold my fork like this. Why? Because I can't hold it the way that you're supposed to. You know how you're supposed to. No, you're trying to hold it like a pencil. That's not right either. I'm holding a fork like in a fist.

You're looking like you're going to stab someone with it. Yeah, but I can't. You know the way that you're supposed to hold a fork like with your point of. That's a pencil. No wonder you can't do it right. You're not trying to do it. But you know how you're supposed to hold a fork like. But even the way you're trying to hold it is not the way anyone holds it.

Well, because I don't know how to do it. Clearly. How have I not noticed this? This is infuriating just watching it. But so I hold a fork like this like in a fist because I don't know how to. Like my left hand just does not function. Like I can't use it for anything. I might as well cut the **** off.

Potato pot. I'm going to get, no, we'll read it. Just put a huge beep over that whole sentence. People will figure it out. I'll give you a clue. It rhymed with, actually, I won't even say that. No. Let's just say of your arms it's the runt of the litter.

I just, I can't do it. Like just i can't do it i like i can't do it were you you were very close with your mother did she not teach you well i'm guessing that i just started doing it in a fist and she was like she'll fit like she'll come good i mean there was four kids she's busy and and i just like never learned how to do it. So now because I like it's embarrassing but I actually just can't fix it. Dylan's story about mac and cheese can fucking wait. Yeah. Normal or nah.

We're busy. Being 28 years old and not being able to use a knife and a fork properly. I know. I think that my mum just thought that. Not being able to feed yourself. There's a fork right there. Pass me that fork.

So if I'm holding a fork like this, I can do it. Yeah. That's fine. But if I'm like, say I was holding a knife like this. See, even that, you're not doing it. Why is your finger over there? Do you scoop like? No, you don't do that.

I know I've said this to you before, but never in this context. What's your finger doing up there? This is so infuriating to watch. I actually just can't. No. I've never been more angry in my life watching you trying to hold a fork. I actually can't, and I get quite embarrassed. So what I normally do.

I'm sorry, I've been making fun of you for five minutes. No. I get quite insecure about it. I'm very self-conscious about this. Oh, great. No, I wouldn't have talked about it on a fucking podcast that at least two people listen to if I was embarrassed. But the thing is, is that so if we go out for dinner

or people are at our house for dinner or whatever, I'll cut all my food really, really quickly and then I eat it like spoon for spoon like with my fork because I actually can't fucking do it. Is that why we always have pizza? That's why we always have burgers or something. Yeah. That's so annoying.

Yeah, I just can't do it. Are you a fully – Tony just broke the fork in half and threw it across the room. Are you a fully grown adult who can't hold a knife and a fork? Yes. Gee whiz. So where I was going to go with this is because I'm not very. Sure, tell that other story that I will never remember because I'm so confused by how you've lived.

What else can't you do that other humans can do? What do you mean? I don't know. Probably lots of stuff. I don't understand PayPal. Why would I put money into another account? It's used to transfer money. No, but why wouldn't I just use my bank account?

When people pay you from overseas? But when is that happening? Who's doing that? I'm not doing that. Where do you think the Patreons are from? No, but you send me the money. You're the accountant of the business. So I don't afford you.

We don't have a business. We don't have a business, sorry. We're just floating along. But if I wanted to buy something with PayPal, because you know when people are like, buy through PayPal, why would I put money from my bank account into a different account and then pay out of PayPal? Just pay on my credit, on my card, on my credit card.

You link your card to PayPal. No, don't you put it into a PayPal account? You don't have to. No, well, I don't want to do that. So I don't understand PayPal. So I've never bought anything off eBay because you have to buy through PayPal. Well, the answer, why would you use PayPal to use eBay? Yeah, well, I've lived without it for all this time.

You're doing all right, mate. What else can't I do? That's probably it. Write that down and then next week come back and go, here's what I've figured out I can't do. Oh, you know how yesterday you asked me to say something I've learned? How's that gone? Yeah, well, I mean, we've figured out more things I don't know about, so it's not going great. I've got a list of things I should learn, but not that I've learned. All

right, tell me about old mate and his mac and cheese. Okay, so what I was going to say is that as I'm not very good with a knife and fork, I'm a big spoon user. You're a spoon girl. So when I sit down for dinner, like Torbs will get himself a knife and fork but he'll always get me like a knife, fork and spoon. What do you eat with a spoon that's not a traditional spoon dish like most things because of this issue you've got? It's a quirk. Okay, thank you. It's a quirk.

No, I wouldn't say that I eat more things with a spoon because of it. I just like power through and cut stuff up and then use my fork in my, like, right, in my dominant hand. Was this a contributor to the original Palmageddon story where you were upset that you got the wrong parma and then I cut you off a slice of mine so you could have it? No, that wouldn't have been part of it. Because I just do it now without noticing. But my friend Aiden, like whenever we're out for dinner, she'll like watch me eating and laugh. And she'll freak out.

She'll just be like, what are you doing? And I just can't figure it out. You shouldn't have told me that because now every time we eat together. Well, we were supposed to eat together next week, but that's just been cancelled. The restaurant just cancelled. Yeah. What should we do instead?

I don't know. What should we do instead? Right below, right on the. We can go and play golf with Torbs. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'll just see if we can we do instead? Right below. Right on the. We can go and play golf with Torbs. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'll just see if we can fit into his golfing schedule. Anyway, so Dylan has asked, normal or nah?

Eating mac and cheese with a spoon instead of a fork. Doesn't fucking matter. I can't use a fork. That's a normal from Tony. This is Holly from Toronto, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Tomorrow on the show, because a lot of people who listen to this podcast are not from Australia, often we say things and people go, hey, I have no idea what you're talking about. Yeah.

So we've done this before, but we're going to do an update of Tony Explains Australian Lingo. Yes. I'm pretty good at it because Australian is my first language. What's your second? All right, who have we got to thank at the top? Okay. Ashley Faircloth, thank you so much. Holly Seymour, Robin Parmenter and Amy Lee,

thank you so, so much for being part of our Patreon. We appreciate it so much. Welcome to the team. Thank you for signing up and contributing to being over 1,000 Patreons. You're right there, mate. What's your first language? I don't actually have a first. English is my third and I don't have a first or a second.

One and two are empty. All right. A few weeks ago we had a few horrific Christmas stories. Yes. And I also put a post in the Facebook group saying, has anyone got any interesting coming out stories? Because of my sister coming out on Christmas. On Christmas Day.

Yes. And Alara says, I also have a coming out on Christmas Day story. Oh, is it happy or sad? I'll let you decide. All right. I'll let you decide. But I have read through the coming out stories and I think I'll sprinkle them through because there's some absolute crackers.

Oh, great. Some are heartfelt and heartwarming and others are, for lack of a better word, harrowing. Oh, okay. Can't wait. Alara. Hi, Alara. She had a girlfriend who she was seeing for a while. Her parents knew she stayed over totally fine.

Oh, okay. But they never really mentioned it to the grandparents because the grandparents were a bit old hat, very religious, and anything that went against what the church said was just wrong in the eyes of the grandparents. Okay. And they went, you know what? They're so old.

That ship might have sailed. Why don't we just not mention it? It's no big deal. Ignorance is bliss. Whatever. Alara says, getting ready for Christmas. My mother told me to go around to the grandparents' house to pick up some decorations.

It's how much of a grandparent thing that they would have the tinsel and the bonbons and the whatever. Because they've got a garden shed, but mum and dad don't have one. The grandparents were at church. So they were out, but they go, you know where the key is, go get yourself in, go get the stuff, because we're setting up for Christmas for the family. Cheers, Granny.

My partner was with me. Oh, no. And since we were staying with the family, we knew we probably wouldn't get a chance to have some alone time over the festive season because, you know, you're in the spare room, the sisters and brothers are there, everyone's around. So I thought, oh, the grandparents are out of the house. Yep. Everyone's back at mum's place.

I very vividly remember the first time I ever had sex on Christmas. How was it? It was like a big, because I was like, oh, it's like a family day but I'm having sex. Yeah. We decided to have a quickie. I actually, I can't listen to this. We decided to have a quickie in the grandparents' house

while the place was empty. My grandparents, believe it or not, Tony Lodge, ended up coming home a little bit earlier than expected. Oh. And my grandmother caught me and my partner doing the deed in their house. Where? Where in their house. Where? Where in the house? In the spare room.

Okay, all right. Because that was the first thing I asked. So it wasn't on the kitchen table or something? Yeah, I was imagining wild scenes. Or in the grandparents' bed where they had to sleep. I mean, you wouldn't do that. Surely. Side note, the Christmas movie The Holiday.

Yeah. Cameron Diaz and Jude Law do it in Jude Law's sister's bedroom. Yeah. That's your sister's room, bro. Is that weird? Fucking oath it is. We watched that over the break and I was like, ooh. It's a really good movie.

Red flag there. Rest of the movie, great. I probably wouldn't do it in your sister's room. Like, you don't have a sister. I mean, I'm an only child. What would I know? Yeah. Or maybe I do.

Who's to say? Yeah, you don't know. Needless to say, the grandparents weren't pleased, says Alara. They didn't speak to us for all of Christmas and they didn't even look us in the eye. Oh. Getting walked in on in any situation, horrifying. Getting walked in on by your grandparents?

Who don't know you're gay. And probably thought that Lara's girlfriend was. A great friend. Yeah, her best mate or something. Like they'd probably go, oh, Lara spends a lot of time with that young girl. And the mum and dad went, oh, yeah, they get along great. Get along like house on fire kind of thing.

Like that's probably the story that the granny's been told. And so I'm just imagining granny's mind being blown by thinking, oh, my God. Don't say blown. Yeah. I just can't. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. So was that this Christmas?

I'm sorry, Alara. Oh, Alara. But now she's out and proud and everyone knows. This is overriding, I guess, maybe. Oh, my God. I can't. Bless. Well, yeah, you're right.

At least now everyone knows. We can have an honest Christmas. Yep. Merry, Merry Christmas. Tony. Okay. Throw in another Christmas day for us, please. Mine is, in your words, harrowing in a different way.

And maybe if there's anybody listening at the moment that maybe S-A-N-T-A is. S-A-N-T-A. What do I say here? Anybody that might be listening that you might not. That has little ears in the car. Little ears in the car. Here is your warning. If there's little ears in the car, just.

Yeah. You're a fucking terrible parent. I was going to say, I know what's in our podcast and it is not for children. But like this is. Especially now. Especially right now. Don't say you weren't warned. Yeah.

Okay. So fair warning. That's like 10 seconds of us giving a warning about maybe little baby's not listening right now. Sure. Stockton messaged me this in regards to I don't know how the cloud works Christmas edition. We've talked about this in the past.

People don't know how the cloud works. You get a dick pic on your phone, does it go to your mum's phone as well? Who knows? Not my mum, but someone's mum. Stockton Lee. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Does that have iPhones in it?

The iCloud. She's living on the iCloud. That's all she's doing. Oh, my God. What have you sent, Tony? Oh, God, she's sent some terrible shit. All right. So Stockton has said,

My family has come for Christmas this year and they have little kids. One of the little kids is eight years old and wanted to record Santa. So they obviously went down and put out milk and cookies and went, oh, we should record Santa coming on my iPad. Yep. And, yeah. So the little eight-year-old. Wouldn't it be exciting to get a glimpse of the great guy

in your family room? Can't you imagine it? Like as a kid as well, like you'd just be, you'd shit yourself with excitement. I reckon one night I had my little stocking and I like tied it to my ankle because I was like, oh, when Santa comes and drops the goods, then it'll like wake me up and I'll be able to say hello. See him, yeah.

Yeah, there was definitely like Christmas Eve nights where I was like, I would wait up for as long as I could, which was probably like 9 o'clock. Yeah, so I get that. For Santa to come. So we're going to catch a glimpse of the great man. Catch a glimpse of him. They've hit record on the family iPad or on their iPad or whatever and they're like, oh, my God, amazing.

As a night owl, this is Stockton saying, as a night owl, I went down at like midnight and stopped the video and deleted it from the photos and from recently deleted as well. You know how the iPhone has a folder like recently deleted now? So he's gone down there, deleted the video. Take care of some business. Yeah. And

to obviously be like, no, like the magic must have erased the video. Yep, of course. But the next morning she went to check on the video and couldn't find it. All is going to plan so far. All is going to plan. She's going, oh, no, and they've obviously made up some story

about how the elves don't want Santa to be seen kind of thing. And then the eight-year-old goes, it uploads to the cloud. And sure enough, in the iCloud folder, there's a video of Stockton turning it off, like walking over to the iPad, turning it off. And then like, obviously wasn't on video, but then obviously deleted it and whatever, but it had been uploaded. It had been caught red-handed. She started crying and then the four-year-old brother heard

and he started crying as well. So Christmas was absolutely ruined because all the kids were like, well, why would Dad do that? Stockton. Yeah, and he got in a bit of trouble with the mums and the other family members and stuff. Once one person in the school knows, then they tell everyone and it ruins it for everyone.

Yeah. That's so sad. Yeah, very sad. And also, eight years old, knows how the cloud works. Maybe she could run a fucking workshop because I don't understand. Yeah, you can teach us. Can I say one thing? Yeah.

I am relieved because I, maybe it's because of Alara's story, I was thinking that maybe Stockton and his mate Bronson had some of their own videos in the cloud on the same device when they went to find the Santa video. They're like, oh, what's Dad doing with that neighbour? Yeah, no, no, no. Is that where he hides his stuff? Much worse.

Yeah. Yeah, so pretty, like as a kid you'd be pretty, yeah. Yeah, you'd be pretty. Yeah. Yeah, so pretty, like as a kid you'd be pretty, yeah. Yeah, you'd be pretty. Yeah. So I hope your Christmas is better than theirs. Yeah. I hope yours was more of a Tony Lodge. Life-changing Christmas.

I was about to say coming out, not in that sense, but like coming out as a country person. Coming up maybe. No? Yeah. Oh, that's a bit. I feel like you've been reborn. Reborn.

I like that. I'm a born again. No. Country person. Leave the tree. Sorry. Actually, tell me if you think this is good or bad. Okay.

A Japanese man really loves having his birthday celebrated, loves receiving gifts. We're not birthday people, but he loves it. That's how he's six years old, yep. He's actually in his 30s. He needs to go up. Yep. He dated 26 women at once and told all of them his birthday was different

so he could be taken out and dinnered and showered with gifts every second week for the whole year. Okay. could be taken out and dinnered and showered with gifts every second week for the whole year. Um, okay. So every second week he had a birthday cake and went out to dinner and got a present. How could you have that many women on the line? The admin. Even when

people say like, oh, um, my boyfriend and I have broken up because he was seeing someone else on the side. How? How do you keep up with the texts? One boyfriend's enough for me to deal with. I definitely could not have another one. Can you imagine if you had two wives? No.

Like, that would just, people are like, oh, that would be great. It would be awful. Two sets of dishes, two lots of bins to put out. Oh, but also, the admin, like you said, how many texts you've got to send, how many, you know, and Bridget being like, oh, should we go watch that movie tomorrow night? And you're like, oh, but hang on. Is Valerie wanting me to catch up with her tonight? Yeah, and I saw her with Valerie last week.

Yeah, so I don't want to watch it again. I wonder who kills him in the end. Oh, God. Oh, that twist. You just don't see it coming, do you? Nah. He's been put in jail for fraud. Really?

Yeah. Fraud. No. So do you love 26 presents a year? Sure, you love to see that. Do you love to see yourself in an orange suit behind bars? Probably not. Probably not.

He might as well have just taken himself out for dinner. It would have been easier. Get a job, mate. Buy yourself some presents. Yeah, he obviously didn't have a job. He had 26 girlfriends. He didn't have anything else on. Yesterday you mentioned your You Love To See It was from a post you put up

in our Facebook group of asking people for their You Love To See It of the year. Jared McQuaid commented, Honestly, my You Love To See It is this Facebook group. There is so much love and kindness here, and I think it's what a lot of us needed in these crazy times. And there was a few comments like that of people saying that, you know, they've had a bit of a rough year or, you know, some crappy things have happened towards the end of the year

and that they've loved being part of the group and having a laugh and stuff, and I thought that was really lovely. We're not included in this, Tony, but there's some subgroups within the groups where some tarpers are in a group chat, hanging out together. No. Yeah. Is there really? Yeah. Why? They're just having a good time, meeting

people. That's sweet. George Wendell's in there. Oh, yeah, he fucking would be. He would be. What's he not in, if you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Tony Lodge? He's not in me. I think maybe he'd be more his type. I think he's more of a butter, not a bread. A butter.

But him. Yeah. Hey, see you tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow. Oh, Australian lingo. Oh, you're going to learn a thing or two, and not just from George Wendell. You're going to learn about Australian lingo tomorrow.

Oh, that's good because... And, Tony, I'm not going to tell you the words in advance either. Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to. Good. I wouldn't dream of it. I wouldn't dream of cheating on this podcast. No. Don't quote...

I'm not the Japanese guy, Tony's girlfriend. I'd never cheat. Meow. Oh, oh, oh, oh.