Toni and Ryan - Condom In A Pillowcase

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

I can tell you what I WOULDN'T use as a condom!!! hahahhaa love u Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author bestselling Dr. Author Tony Lodge. This is doubt fire. And we are calling Nicole, who is in England. Oh, hello, Nicole. She's actually from Rugby England, which sounds like the rugby, that's the town of rugby. Like the sport.

Hi guys. Hi Nicole. Hi. It is like the sport. It is like the sport, but I was explaining that you don't work for like rugby England. That's just the name of the town. Yeah.

That is, yeah. It's where the sport was invented. It's our claim to fame. What? That is so interesting. What? I didn't know that rugby was from England. Where'd you think it was from?

Maybe New Zealand. I I mean they got real good that surely adds up that big ball yeah I say we're okay but we're not okay a self-aware person from England like you, Nicole. I'm sorry that Ryan's being so rude about your country. It's all right. Rugby's not amazing to be fair. But we're the only ones that can say that it's not great. Everyone else has to agree to it. Only you can say it about yourself.

No, no, no, I'll cop that. Nicole, will you approve our podcast today? Of course I'll approve the podcast. That's an absolute try for us. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Yes.

Hi, this is Nicole in LookB UK and I approve this podcast. Tony has just said, Oh, I love normal or not. Someone messaged us on Patreon the other day saying that I, he loved how when we do normal or not, we say it's normal or not judging on whether we've done it before. Like, I'm not whether we think it's normal or not. Just like, Oh, I do that normal. As in that's probably not the way to gauge it. Well, it's, oh, I'm tempted to check the fridge before. Oh no.

Why? No, I think we're good, I think we're good. I think we're good. Tapa Grant, hey. Hi, Grant, hey. He actually posted this in the Facebook group and a lot of chat back and forth. Oh. Normal or nah, drinking a non-alcoholic beer at work.

Oh. I feel like anytime you use the word technically, just don't do it. Oh, because technically. I actually, yes, I think you're right. Amber, who's a tarpa. Hi Amber. She said, I'm a HR girly and I've started seeing people talk about this in like online HR forums, like it's a thing in the biz that people are starting to go, Oh, so what is the rule here? Because, you know, most companies have the generic kind of drugs and alcohol

in the workplace and this and this and that. And blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And so obviously there's this new gray area. Yeah. Becky says, I will admit I've also considered this, but then I remember that I'm a nurse in a public hospital. Alcoholic or not, imagine a patient seeing the visual of a nurse crushing a cold one at the nurse's station. Probably not a good look.

No, 1000%. You imagine how that would make you feel as a patient. Yeah. And then they come in and go, okay, you're ready to put, I'll put you under and we'll do this operation. You go, well, you just crush in the fucking lager. Yeah, I just saw you with a fucking Heineken Zero. I know that we've just had the technically chat, but my question

is that like zero alcohol, alcohol. Yeah. Like, well, there's something I don't really understand because I don't like the taste of beer. Right. So I would never reach for a non-alcoholic beer for the taste because I go, I would never drink it anyway. I'd rather just have a Diet Coke.

Absolutely. Yeah. But like, technically doesn't kombucha have more alcohol in it than like... Someone did comment about... And if you saw someone with a bottle of remedy. You wouldn't think anything of it. So kombucha has a little bit. Also, some in a verticom is non alcoholic beers are just like extremely low.

Yeah. Like it's point oh two or something. Sure. So like you wouldn't register if you like had to do a breathalyzer or something. Or you'd be well under anything unless you drank a million of them. But they're like, yeah, so some of them have alcohol anyway, kibbutzha. I've heard, have you heard the cherry ripes have a bit of something in it? Oh, no, I haven't, but I guess it's got like a little bit of.

Yeah. And it's like this old wives tale and it's like, Brandy or something. Something to make, and so someone's like, oh, yeah, if you ever get pulled over, just say you had a fucking cherry, right? That has made me physically ill, you're doing that. But I think like, yeah, the feeling of,

if you went, oh, I'm having a zero beer for like a sweet treat at the end of the day, the same way that someone might have like a can of Coke or whatever. It doesn't, it's not the same. Yeah. I think I'm a nah. So when I was an accountant on a Friday, I have a bit like actual full strength beers on the desk while you're working, very normal behavior.

We did that in the radio station as well. Yeah. So Friday at lunch. They would come around with a little cart and like. Yep. Got to get a brew ski. Yeah. I've got a few tasks to finish off, but I'll just sip on this beer and all good.

Um, and so then, but yeah, I'm the same. I don't like the taste of beer enough. Like if I don't want to drink a beer, I'll just want to have a beer and that's easy. Yeah. So that's not really comparable to me, but if someone said, oh, we've got like alcohol free gin, which you guys have had at your house, like while Bridge was pregnant and you kind of had that, which I mean, not to bastardize it, it's beautiful, but it's cordial, right?

So you basically having, so you're basically having like soda with a little bit of cordial in it, whatever. Maybe not cordial, but yeah. But that's like. Botanicals is what the fans are looking for. But that's what I'm saying. I'm not like bastardizing what it is, but really if you sat there and had a cordial, that would be the same thing, but it feels different. You see that slice of cucumber in there and you go, well, that's.

Right, mate. Like, you know, it's Monday. Maybe we should start rolling around cafes. Obviously you've spent a fair bit of time in them recently, but we'll just go, Hey mate, just a soda and on ice and um, can you just put a bit of cucumber in there? And just to, and see what people, you know what I mean? Yeah. They walk past and they go, fuck what's going on here?

What's going on there? Have you ever really misread the vibe at like a work drinks or something though? Cause like, so why are you referring to the time I turned up looking like Batman? No, neither. I'm not. I'm more mean. We should come back to that, but I'm more mean like someone write that down. Ryan, Batman, picture partners, tight leather pants.

I mean, hooking going to throw it. Yeah. I feel like we were, we'd just been off site doing something. There was only three of us just being off site and they were like, oh, there's a little bar there. Maybe we could like get something to eat and a little drink. And I'm really not a big drinker, but I was like, oh, if everyone's drinking like a kind of, I felt like a little bit pressured.

And one of the ladies was pregnant. So she got like a zero alcohol beer and another one of the ladies said something else, but I'd ordered first and I ordered a sparkling. And so I had like a glass of champagne. It wasn't like, it was just like sparkling wine, but, and just like really misread the thing. And then I felt like such a cockhead because I was sitting there like. No, it's living the dream.

I was busy living the dream. And I actually think about that pretty often. I'm like, why do I do that? Like it just- If the person's having a non-alcoholic beer, that's suggesting that beers are in play. So then is that the answer to the normal? Maybe. Nah, to be like, nah, if you're doing beer, it's like, we're on here.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That actually makes me feel way better. Thank you. Lena said, I once drank beer at work from a Frank Green water bottle. When it's in a Frank Green, no one questions anything. Oh, well, I hope that-

Do you want to have a sip there, mate? I hope Lena's not a nurse. The nurse we were talking about before. It's just water in there. nurse we were talking about before. It's just water in there. Filtered. Must be nice. It is. Christopher.

Hi, Christopher. Normal or not. Hello fellow tarpers. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. I keep condoms in my pillowcase wrapped and always checked for exploration for easy access during hookups. You never know when you're gonna have someone come over

and you need to be ready to go. My question for Tony Ryan and all the tarpers is, is this genius or insane? First of all. God, using the term hookups is. There's so much to unpack. First of all, hookups grow up. Second of all.

Oh, just in case I go hookup. Is this genius or insane? The segment is called normal or nah. Who is he, Ryan? Yeah, he's like, I've got an idea for a segment. It's called genius or insane. Yeah. And we go, we're doing that every Wednesday now.

The segment is called normal or nah. And the segment, you've sent a great question for the segment. So don't go renaming it. Second of all, how much action are you getting that's like, heaven forbid you spend four seconds walking to the fucking other place where you would keep a condom? You know what I mean? Like how much of a rush are you in? Have you got a bus to catch? Are you scared that the person you brought home is going to discover your personality and take off in the four seconds you go to get a prophylactic.

Prophylactic, that's beautiful. You know how much, like when people put too much effort into like- Saving time. No, like, oh, like if someone comes back and I'm like, how confident, like how many people are coming back? But also like, I'm trying to put myself into this situation that if I got back to someone's house and they were like, all right, hookup station, fresh hair, lackey, condoms in the pillowcase. I'd be like, oh, yeah.

That's what I mean. Like how often are you doing this? Cause I'd be like, oh, nah, that's okay. Condoms in the pillowcase. Wouldn't you be able to hear them while you were sleeping? It would make noise. That sounds awful. So for the, so it's just like crinkling under your ear.

Cause they're foil. Aren't they? No. They're like foily. Oh the wrapper. Yeah they're like- I was like, righto. Someone's been the same partner for a while.

What would that even mean? Well some like- Or as in like, you haven't used them in so long. They used to be for all. Yeah, I got you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So back in the 20s. But I was like, what would it mean that we'd been together?

20s right now. How you going? So, you know, why is it? Why aren't people talking about the twenties like now? So I think because on the eve of 2019 in going into 2020, lots of people had flapper parties for that and then COVID happened. So I think they were like, let's not talk about it. Did you say flapper parties?

Yeah. Like, like 1920s flapper, like dresses and the headbands and stuff. Gotcha. And then COVID. Oh, so it was like, you re-jinxed it. Well, I think that people kindbands and stuff. Gotcha. And then COVID. Oh, so it was like, it re-jinxed it. Well, I think that people kind of like that. You guys have heard that, eh?

That people, okay, Charles, you're six years old. Well, I'm 47 and I've never fucking heard that. Sofie and I are in the sweet spot. Okay. It's a bell curve. Young and cool using the foil condoms. No, the, the wrapper is like that, like loud, crinkly foil. It's a bit like you couldn't sneak one.

The same way, like when you try and sneak a Tim Tam, everyone in the house knows. The plastic is so noisy. Torps could be on fucking Jupiter. And I would be like, just getting myself a little Tim Tam. He's like, you're not having a Tim Tam are you? Comes down through the fucking like PA system in my house. He's watching me you're not having a chip. That comes down through the fucking like P.A. system in my house. He's watching me from outer space.

You said Jupiter. I pictured Matt Damon in the Martian. He's doing the potatoes and I'm having a Tim Tam. And he's like, you fucking bitch. He finds a Tim Tam in the drawer when he's out there by himself. And then someone from Houston goes, yeah, I'm going to Tim Tam. They're actually emergency rations. You can't just be willy nilly having a Tim Tam. I mean, if that's not an emergency situation, I don't know what is. That's actually such a good point.

You know how we sometimes I'll set a challenge for the weekend? Oh yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like when we said go and have like a pub roast. Yep. Yep. I can't remember anymore. I think one of them was when someone tells you something, ask them if they're a cop. We also did one of say Yahtzee when you come. I got a lot of responses for that. I actually have one in my, you'll love to see it.

Stay tuned. Yahtzee. This weekend, instead of using condoms, use foil. No, no, that is not advice. No, no, no, no. Sorry. Our nurse Ryan's had a beer with lunch. Not official advice.

Report back on how you go. Absolutely not. Do not do that. You will cut your pussy up. That is just a terrible pain. Cause that sounds like something like a smooth. No, no, not in a good way. Do not do that.

And with Easter coming up, I mean, who knows? Little cabri foil on there. No. How do you think they make the cabri cream? They're reading one of those again. Redact that right now. Redacted, redacted, redacted. I've got this new idea.

It's called genius or insane. Also, aren't the condoms just in your bedside table? That's what I mean. How far away can they fucking be? Like what do you roll over and pull that out? Like I think sometimes I pull that out, but you know what I mean? Sorry, I'm feeling a bit silly. Do not use foil as a condom, please. I feel really stressed about that. Would it be the cutting that puss up that would be bad or would it be the sound?

All of it. And also that it would not protect you from any STDs or pregnancy. Would it catch fire if you rubbed too hard? Should we try it? I mean, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, babe, it was science. Yeah. I get home, Torbz is like, what'd you do that?

Like Mythbusters. Yeah. We're thinking about moving into Mythbusters territory. Torbz noticed the foil was missing and he goes, Tony's either smoking a bong or Ryan's come around. Pun intended. Both. I ripped a bong and then you came round.

Not that I know how to make a bug at home. Bye. Hi, this is Nicole from rugby UK and you're listening to the Tony Ryan podcast. From fleet management to flexible truck rentals to technology solutions. At enterprise mobility, we help businesses find the right mobility solutions so they can find new opportunities. Because if your business is on the road, we want to make sure it's on the road to success.

Enterprise Mobility, moving you moves the world. Yeah. Massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Absolutely love to say it. Thank you for being here. We can't do it without you. Tuva, good on you Tuva. Helen, love you Helen. Rachel, good on you Rach.

Zoe Gilfullen, thanks Zoe. Taylor Howard and Magnus H. Absolutely love to see it. Thanks for being here. Magnus, what a strong name. That is a strong name. Magnus always just reminds me of Matilda because her dad's name is Magnus.

Magnus reminds me of Magnums because they're delicious. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, this Saturday, Tony, myself, 1500 tarpas, 1500, we're all going to the cricket, we're all going to be dressed like Tony, uh, we've got the black and white striped t-shirt, the light blue denim jacket, as is evident, I'm waving at you like it's a video show and people can see you, but you are wearing the jacket. I'm wearing gingham, so it's pretty close.

Like black and white. Yep. And, uh, we've got two whole bays at the cricket. The Australian women taking on the English women. It's going to be awesome this Saturday. The game actually starts today because it's a test match. Which you obviously are aware of. I know.

What if we, because we're in really good form at the moment, like Australia, the women. Oh, I thought you meant me and you. I was like, thanks babe. I just hope we don't like win in two days. I did. Yeah. Or do we just not talk about that?

I did bring it up and you're like, we aren't talking about it. Because I was like, couldn't it be over? I was like, I don't really understand, but couldn't it be over? Yeah. I actually had a friend who's working on this game, message me this the other day, asking what happens if it's over in two days. Well, then can we, do we still get to go in and have fun? I don't think that would open up.

Oh, okay. You know what? We will cross that bridge when we get to it. If there's sometimes it, there's weird thing in cricket where Australia needed 10 more runs and they, they, they kind of just opened the doors and go, it might only last 15 minutes this morning. That's fine. For us, totally fine. Fast game's a good game.

But if it gets to the Friday night and we need 10 more to win, I'll be like, girls, pump the brakes. Pump the brakes. Okay, if something like- This will cost your sport money. If something like that, oh, do we get a refund? That means that money's free. What should we do with it?

Oh, we've got six months and $20,000. We can do anything. If we will cross that bridge when we get to it, if tomorrow it's looking like Saturday's not going on, we will go on- We won't know though, I don't think. Oh, we won't? We will go on Instagram live on Friday night and come up with a plan, I don't think. Oh, we won't? We will go on Instagram live on Friday night

and come up with a plan. I don't think. If we, but if we, if we need to. I don't want to have a plan B. Okay. But will we know Friday night where the Saturday's on? We'll know by, yeah, at night. Oh, I'd be asleep.

Yeah. Wake me up with the highlights. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So we're with the highlights. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So we're not going to do a plan B? No, because then planning for a plan B is planning for the plan B. I'm planning for plan A.

Oh, well, obviously hoping for the best, but planning for the worst. I mean, if worst case scenario, we get $20,000. I mean, it's our money we spent. A sun cost fallacy. Yeah. No, I'm excited either way. A great outcome. What's 1,500 times 35?

Might be a bit- Oh, we Google it tomorrow. Might be a bit more than 20 grand. Google it tomorrow. Have you just looked at it, Charles? Is it more than 20 grand? Don't. It better fucking be over. It's not going to be over.

Is over a cricket Joe? It better be over. Could be. Well, just like we're going to the cricket in the interest of New Year, New Me, I'm trying to do a few more things. I've just joined a choir. It's all very exciting. Oh, do you want to give me a little do-re-mi?

Do-re-mi? No little do-re-mi? Do-re-mi? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, bit of me time. Is there an end of term performance that we can all come to if someone books a few bays? I think there is, I think there is an end of term performance. Yeah. Um, hopefully it's a sellout. That's really nasty. It's for family and friends and you're not acting like either of those things. By supporting you and bringing our friends to your thing. Our friends, you are not bringing tapas to your thing. Our friends. You are not bringing tapas to this thing.

How many? No fucking way. How many seats is the end of thing held? I actually don't know any information about it yet. We've already booked two bays. Yeah. I think that my local choir is at the MCG. Yeah.

It's a Taylor Swift. If they're taking things seriously. is at the MCG. Yeah. If they're taking things seriously. Just imagine, just imagining that. I'm gonna all be dressed like Tony. You'll be singing at the same place that Taylor Swift sung. That's pretty huge. We'll be doing that this Saturday anyway.

Yeah, I will be. I'll be singing Taylor Swift at the cricket. But so I'm trying to like come up with a new few new things to do because I've spent a lot of time thinking like, Oh my God, I need downtime equals not doing anything, but for me, not doing anything means that I like sit on the couch and like get in a scroll hole. And I like then feel worse because I've just spent all this time. Yeah. So you need to do something.

Well, it's nothing, but doesn't count as nothing because nothing ends up scrolling and being something. So I get it. I get it. But I guess it just like turns out that I recharge a little differently than I thought. Okay. So how do you recharge? Well, by doing-

Singing in choirs. Well, by doing stuff, which I always was like, no, if I'm doing something, then that's like using my social battery, but I actually get a bit of energy. You're an extra. That's where you get your stuff from. Yeah. So I think like, obviously I need time where I don't talk to anybody and I feel overwhelmed and whatever, but like I'm trying to kind of mix up my weeks and whatever. Anyway, Torbz and I bought, have you ever seen?

Hang on. Just, okay. Anytime I hear, I've been thinking of a new hobby. So Torb's and I have purchased. I go, no, no, no, no, no. Have you ever seen those adventure books? No. So it's like a hardcover book and inside on all of the pages, it's like, um, this will take three hours and you have to do it during the day. Oh no.

And then you scratch off the thing and it tells you what the adventure is. No, I haven't heard that. They're really, really cool. So I've been getting them sponsored to me on Instagram and stuff for years. So some of them might be like a cute date idea, some of them might be like a fun game to play or whatever, but you don't know what you go, Oh, we've got a few hours. Let's scratch the thing in the book. Yeah. And so that would be like how much they cost.

So if one's like, Oh, this is free. You'll have all this stuff at your house or it's like going for a walk or whatever. But then some of them, it's like, um, this one will cost you 50 bucks because you know, maybe it's fucking bowling or something. I actually haven't got the book yet, but I was like, you know what? I'm gonna fucking order that for us because like come up with some ideas of things to do. And so we're like trying to say yes

and do fun stuff together. And Torbz and I, we buy this and we're so excited about getting this book. I bought it without him knowing it. And I was like, I've just ordered this thing. And he was like, that sounds so fun. They have a naughty version. Yeah, it's called like adventure book in bed.

Oh my God. A naughty one. So it's not just like a, it's like naughty. I did buy a bundle and that comes with it. Okay, I guess. And I'm like- Can you bring it in? I know.

No, it's private. Charles, get me a coin. It's private. You can order your own. But anyway, so. But I'm just so curious to see what it says. Me too. But anyway. Torbz, call me tomorrow. Text me in the morning.

No, so it's actually very sweet. And he goes, yeah, get it. So they have like, they have like an adventure one. They have like a couples version, which I guess is more like things to just do together that isn't like just like that, like you would do with a friend. Yes. Bit more romantic, maybe. But then they have the like in bed one.

Yeah. And I don't really know what it's going to be like, but they had a bundle and I was like, Oh, Valentine's day. That's cute. Cost your money not to. Exactly. Anyway, so because we're like kind of barred up, don't say barred up about like doing things, we see this little special for a couples massage. And this is not something

that we would normally do. And especially at home, like we actually did one in Fiji because we were like in the resort and it was whatever. And what couples massage, they'll bring you like a little sparkling and a little shore brea or just a little something cute to kind of, Yeah, there was like a little, um, basket of goods. Yeah. They bring you like a little tea and they go, this is to relax.

Yeah. Get you in the zone. No, I just need to ask something on behalf of, Please ask. The tapas. Yes. Was this massage thing having anything to do with the adult naughty book? But it's more about, no, it wasn't, but it was more that we were like,

spirit of this thing. It hasn't arrived yet. We've seen, you know, so we did this one in Fiji and it was absolutely beautiful. And I was like, oh my God, they've got that. Like, should we do it? That feels a bit fun. Tom's is like, let's do it. So the one in Fiji that we did was like really relaxing and it was really like

slow and beautiful and whatever. And then we went to this thing and they're like running a little bit late. And so instead of Tony doesn't like that, but like, so instead of sitting us down and giving us the fucking Lotus tea and fuck and whatever, they're like, cool, hop in. And we were like, oh, like lube me out before you fuck me in the ass. Do you know what I mean? And she's always said that. So we're like, instead of like it kind of being like a relaxing, they're like, oh, lube me out before you fuck me in the ass. Do you know what I mean? She's always said that.

So we're like, instead of like kind of being like a relaxing, they're like, yep, kind of get right onto it, into it, onto it, inside it, whatever. Anyway, and so we're on beds side by side. We each have a massage therapist. And obviously, because they'd like kind of rushed us in, they didn't do the like spiel. You know when like before you get a massage, they kind of go like anything you want us to avoid.

Anything, you know, any sore spots, any this, how are you feeling? Like, would you have any injuries that you want us to like, how's your chain on? You go pretty hard and then they go a little bit softer. And then you go, oh, maybe a little bit softer. Anyway, so they haven't done any of that. And Torbs and I are like laying there and that's fine. And we're on our fronts and they're kind of massaging and then like, they're about to, they kind of about to go down to my feet and she goes, Oh, is your psoriasis sore?

And she goes, Oh, is your psoriasis sore? And I was like, Oh, on my feet it is like, could you not do my feet? And she goes, Oh, yep. Okay. She goes to the other leg and then starts doing my feet. And I was like, do you mind not doing my feet? And she's like, what? And I was like, Oh, I would have put this on the form.

Yeah. But you didn't fucking give me one. You didn't talk to me about it. Yeah. And I was like, oh, it's really sore. She goes, what about the rest of your psoriasis? In this like, quiet, dark room. There's like music playing.

I can hear water moving and stuff. Did Torb shush her? Well Torb's just like. He's like, shut up. Shut up. Wakes him up. Well, Torb's just like- He's like, shut up. Shut up. Wakes him up. No, so he's there. And then she's like, is the rest of your psoriasis?

So I'm like, it's kind of like not really a yes or no question. I'm like, just to wear my feet and like kind of, but light pressure is fine. But I'm like, light pressure is fine. You know, it's like, how do you kind of, and then she fucking moves around again. She goes, oh, it's no, how do you kind of, and then, um, she fucking moves around again. She goes, Oh, it's no feet, isn't it?

And I'm like, I'm like, yeah. And I'm like, yep, no. So she goes, there's no feeding, isn't it? And I go, yep. And she goes, Oh, great. Keep massaging. I'm like, no, yep. No feet.

And she goes, Oh, sorry. Yep. See, got it. Like we're having this fucking full on conversation. Anyway, I'm so angry. She like does just fucking, it was so stressful. And I'm like tensing up because I'm like, this is supposed to be fun. We bought this adventure book.

Like fucking me. We're here for fun. We're having fun. And so the point of a massage is to not feel like it's a literal point is to not experience this and then so you want me to give you a massage. I get it. Well, so she's done my back. And then asks me to turn over and Torb's is like at the same point in his massage.

But she's like, roll over now, please. I'll hold up the towel in like tour. Whereas like normally they kind of just like, they guide you, they touch you and kind of guide you over and like you understand what they're saying. They don't need to talk. We get it. And he was at the same point and I hear him rolling over at the same time as me, but I'm like, why isn't your person talking? Like this person's fucking like recording an audio book. Anyway, Like this person's fucking like recording an audio book.

Anyway, I turn over and she's like fucking doing her thing, whatever. And then she moves up. So she's gone back to my feet again. I go, please don't do my feet. She comes all the way up. She's doing my arms, my hands, which I love getting my hands massaged. That's my absolute faith. Anyway, so she's doing that and I'm kind of like, all right, I'm sinking back into this thing and like, all right, here we are.

Like we're all good. The fate there's no way she's going back to the fate now. So we're all good. She does my arms, my hands, and then she leans down and goes, ma'am, is it okay if I massage your boobs? Not breasts, not chest. At least you didn't say tartars. Can I massage your boobs? Like can I?

Not like would you like the massage, which would be weird anyway, but at least like can I? So it was obviously, she's trying to be professional, but I said boobs are not breasts, which is already like, do you know what I mean? Like, just hear the word boobs is just fucking hilarious. Well, it could have been titties. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, mind if I rub those titties? Anyway, no, and I went, oh, yeah. Because I just did it. Try and watch! Fucking advocate for yourself or whatever the fucking word is. I start to laugh and Torbz is fucking losing it. And I'm like, and he's like, and I'm like,

and then I was really embarrassed that I'd said, yes. So he's, he's heard her ask this question. Okay. So let's just like play it out from Torv's perspective for a second. He hears this question, which before you even answer is like, crazy, like crazy and hilarious. So he's laughing at this ridiculous question. And he's asking it professionally. I'm like, obviously you should ask, but the way that they asked it when they'd already asked it, are your chest area? I mean, you know, that's what I mean.

There's other ways to, and I guess they would have asked that at the beginning. Yeah. And so then he, he laughs because what a hilarious question. Because I heard the word boobs. He's like... Yeah. But even just the question is sort of, I reckon he is then going like, oh, I'm going to hear Tony squirmishly say, no, thank you. Oh, good. Like, oh, no, that's fine. And then he's sitting there waiting for that.

And then he hears this. Yep. And that's exactly how I said it. I was like, yeah. Like I just didn't know what to say. And I felt like safe and stuff. It was more just that it was embarrassing that he asked. And used the word boobs. And used the word boobs.

And then anyway, I'm trying not to laugh towards this. I can hear him like heavy breathing, like trying not to fuck and lose it. And we're both like, we're both like I could just, and then anyway, so like after that, they're gonna like wrap us up and stuff and they go have a shower first. So we had to have a shower together. We both walk into the shower and we're like silent howling about the boobs. Yeah.

Like so fucking funny. Was it nice? Was it weird? It was not the boobs. Yeah. Oh, okay. So obviously I'm covered in the light oil. Yeah.

And it's like kind of cold in there. And so she starts massaging my boobs. Obviously my nipples get all hard and I'm like, am I like, is this like, is this inappropriate? And I'm like, well, no, you're like touching my body. Obviously like, do you know, I just, it's normal, it's normal, it's normal. But I felt like I'd been like, yeah, massage my boobs. And I just felt so uncomfortable. And then at the end, they're obviously like, how was your experience? I was like, fantastic. Five stars. So good. Here's a tip. Like, no, you know, see you next week.

Yeah. Can I massage your boobs? Yeah. But because obviously normally all of that would be dealt with in the spiel. Like they'd be like, anywhere you don't want us to touch. I would be able to say that. And then they wouldn't ask me. I would be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to

be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going But because obviously normally all of that would be dealt with in the spiel.

Like they'd be like, anywhere you don't want us to touch. I would be able to say that. And then they wouldn't ask me. Avoid this area, do this. I like that. Yeah. And that's pretty normal. Totally.

Like, cause I've had three shoulder reconstructions. I'm always like, just avoid this. I don't like that. That freaks me out. And with my psoriasis, normally they're like, oh, is it, um, is it painful, but also is it contagious? I'm like, no, it's not contagious. So like, Is there a cream that I should or shouldn't use?

Absolutely. All of those things. Very valid professional questions. But all of those questions happened like this during the massage instead of like beforehand. That fucking sucks. It was, it was very interesting, but it was funny. And like, you know, we left and I was like, that is the funniest thing. Did you leave relaxed? Not really. Like it felt good.

That's what I've heard. I heard they could cut glass. So like it felt good, but we, we left in such a funny mood because that had happened and it was like so childish. Would you like me to give you a massage? Pass me your hand. No, I'm okay. No, my psoriasis is actually sore. I should have asked before. So that's what happens. You asked him. See, we have a conversation. Did you want me to?

Literally. Oh, way to take it out. You know what I mean? I'd really love to see it here from one of your people. One of my people? Yep. Someone with a micro fringe. Spencer Shields. Hi Spencer. I joined Tony in the Audi club this week.

Oh my God. Love to see it. Spencer. Have a look at his car just there. Ooh. The full drive, big dog. Wow. A little bit bigger than Tony's one. It is.

Um, Spencer said, I've been saving up for a while. I've always dreamed of having an Audi and because 2025 is the year of being smug. Now when I drive past other cars that aren't Audis, I just go, huh. Me too. And it gets old because you know, no one has cars as nice as ours. Uh, Sarah Rose. Hi Sarah. There's a message through.

Have you got two? You love to see it? Yep. She said, because it's the year of smug. Yes. I was driving today and I, she works in a rural area. I think they're building like a new airport or something. Oh, jeez. And I know big construction zones. Sarah's like, sometimes it's 40 kilometers per hour.

Sometimes it's 50, it's 60. It changes all the time. It's a dirt road. It's a construction zones. Sarah's like, sometimes it's 40 kilometers per hour, sometimes it's 50, it's 60, it changes all the time. It's a dirt road, it's a construction site. It's like, it's fucking cowboy world out there, you know. So she goes, I just usually drive 60, play it safe, but you know, sometimes it's like, it's just, it's carnage. This one guy flies past me at like a hundred Ks an hour down this dirt track and he's flying. And there's kind of like this with the speed limit. She's like, let's just not take the piss but like, but be safe because it's a dirt road as well. And this guy fangs past her. What an asshole. Five minutes later, I drive up, that car is parked to the side, there's a cop car behind it, riding it up.

You love to the side. There's a cop car behind it, riding it up. You love to say that. And guess what she does? Puts down the window. Do you know what I thought you were gonna say? It was Spencer. It was Spencer and the Audi. I thought you were about to be like it was the Audi and she goes, you don't live in Blar, do you?

And he goes, yeah, I've already had my car impounded. Like. Well, she looks at him and goes, huh. And then he looks at her Toyota Yaris and goes, yeah, I've already had my carton pounded. Like. Well, she looks at him and goes, huh. And then he looks at her Toyota Yaris and goes, huh. And she goes, Tapa. And he goes, huh. Yeah, actually. And now they're married.

Spencer and Sarah, SS. That's beautiful. That is beautiful. But my overarching, you love to see it. What are you doing? Is that the year of smug is happening. It's catching on. Do you think that the year of- Especially on the road.

Do you think that the year of smug and 2020 thrive actually really go hand in hand? I think so, because first- Like it's really good. First you 2020 thrive and then you be a fuckhead about it. Yeah, but I think that's really nice. It's God's combination. Oh, well, I really love to see it here.

Like I mentioned before, a reflection of one of our weekend challenges. Please. fuck it about it. Yeah, but I think that's really nice. It's a God's combination. Oh, well, I really love to see it here. Like I mentioned before, a reflection of one of our weekend challenges. So Nicole sent me this. Who's got the foil out? Maybe Nicole. No, no. I don't know maybe if I should have kept Nicole anonymous. Anyway, Nicole says I'm a little behind on the pod. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole, Nicole, Nicole, I'm a little behind on the pod. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. I'm a little behind on the pod and I yelled Yahtzee.

So we set a challenge that. Did anyone in this room do that? No. OK. I was busy getting my boobs massaged. Nicole says when I came two nights ago, as suggested on the pod, I yelled Yahtzee. Good for you, Nicole. Love to see that. And then we did it again the next day.

And when he came, he yelled out, King me. When he came. What's that? What's that? Well, I'm guessing that's another thing you say in a different game. So we just thought doing board game sex now. So sorry, Sophie, do you know what that's from? Settlers from Ofcatan. The Google list. Add it to the Google list. Very clever. So instead of questioning it in the moment, which a normal person would go, excuse me,

did you just say Yahtzee? I would expect them to question it. Or just like get further information. Exactly. Like all the times I've never. Yeah. Do you not Yahtzee as often as I thought? Anyway, so but instead of. You've never Yahtzee before. Yeah.

Maybe this is normal. So that being ideal on the left hand side. That's what we're doing. So but instead of questioning, he goes, I get it. I'll just put a little note in the back of my mind. So then I'll, what? Kingsmith him tomorrow. King me.

Yeah, so we did it again the next day. And when he came here, yelled out, king me. The thing that, okay, I've got two, I've got a hundred you'll love to say it. First of all- Oh, well how many do you get? I'm matching your energy, matching your energy. So first of all, Nicole, sex two times in two days.

Love to stay that. Congratulations. That's cool. Must be a new relationship. No, I think I've been together for a really long time. Nicole messages about her boyfriend all the time. Nicole, DM me these stories. I love it.

What I like is that obviously meant to be. Yes and? No questions asked. He was just like, love the energy that you bring to the function. And then he matched her energy the next day. Isn't that so fun? What's a board game you wouldn't want to yell out?

Monopoly seems. Jenga. Jenga. Straight to jail. Straight to jail. So are we yelling out titles of games or are we yelling out what you yell when you win? Something that happens in the game. Imagine if you're about to come and you went,

oh no, like that's what you say when you've got one left. So you're like about to, yeah Sophie. Oh, go fish? Snap. Or you know when you're playing King's Cup and you go, waterfall. I mean how's trick. I'd do that.

Yeah, that is good. Yeah. But I don't know any, when we did Cluedo, the way that you win is by being like, oh it was professor plum in the fucking thing with the pipe. It's Professor John in your asshole with my Professor John. OK, someone's got his degrees on the wall.

But I love to say that I thought that was so funny. Thank you for sharing that, Nicole. Professor John in your asshole. funny. Thank you for sharing that Nicole. It's so funny, but so upsetting. Yeah. Tomorrow on the show. Yeah. It's cricket eve. It's cricket eve. I've got something for us

that you don't know about that I want to share. Two things. Yes. Fuck, I could go a croissant. Me too. It's a day ending in one. I've got a lot of croissants. Well, let's go to the cafe down the road

and sit there for six hours and order one and see what happens. I've got something tomorrow. It's a video show. You can watch it on YouTube. Um, oh. Oh, we're keeping you up. You know what?

I'm almost at the end of my half hour day. So I'm at the end of my day. Like and subscribe. Love you. Bye. Oh, sorry. A bit of coffee. Keeping you up.

Wait, putting you to sleep. Need a bloody zing up. See you tomorrow. Sorry. Love you. Bye. Yahtzee. You're the best!