Toni and Ryan - Confessions Cut Short

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Is it possible, that RYAN confesses something so harrowing that we don't even get to the main event?!?! Love ya! Toni xo If you've got a SPICY confession you need to get off your chest, we wanna hear about it HERE! Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Welcome. Author Tony Lodge is here. My name is Ryan John. Just a couple of best friends. Oh, we're holding hands. Having fun. Oh, it's too hot. Yeah, it is sweaty. Your hands are... Sorry, they're sweaty. Yeah. Now, are you going to back in this name? Toulas. T-H-U-L-A-S. We'll ask Toulas if that's correct.

All right. And she's in Toronto. Toulaste. Hello? Hi, is that Toulaste? It's Toulaste. Toulaste. I'm really sorry about that. We were trying our best. Oh, that's okay.

That's okay. Oh, well, it's Tony and Ryan, obviously, because no one else would butcher a name like we can. Yeah, if there's one thing we're good at, it's that. Will you approve this podcast? I need to think about it. Maybe if you can pronounce my name right. All right, so if Ryan can pronounce your name right.

No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony is the official pronouncer. Ryan's going to try again, and if you get it right, Ryan. No, I say as soon as you said that, my whole, I just started sweating and my whole. No, you can do it. You can do it.

Okay. Let me break it down for you guys. Maybe that'll be easier. Sure. So it's Tulasi. Okay. Tulasi. Tulasi, will you approve this podcast?

Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Ryan. Yeah. Pronunciation champion. Yay. Hey, this is Tulasi from, and I approve this podcast.

Hey, guys. Welcome to the show. Oh, sorry. What are you doing? Nothing. What are you going? Welcome to the show. Oh, sorry. What are you doing? Nothing. What are you doing? Just having fun. I love to have fun, basically.

Just a fun girl. Yeah, I am a fun girl. You are a fun girl. I'm a digi girl. Digi, what was it? Digi darling. Digi darling. Dot com rad.

All right, coming up today, we have some correspondence from the Australian Children's Choir. Now, a few weeks ago, we uncovered that Tony had a grudge with the Australian Children's Choir, or maybe it was more a grudge with your mum, rest in peace, who told you that girls from Western Australia weren't allowed into the choir. Well, it turns out that's not quite true, but we said we'll get to that.

And maybe it's not a time for grudges. Maybe it's a time for new dreams. And that's all I'll say. That's beautiful. It is. It fucking really is. Where did you read that? Did you just make that up?

Well, you know I can't read. You're a poet. Didn't even know it. That is one of my favourite gags. No, no. Yeah. What is it? Oh, give me a pen.

I did it again. Are you fucking with me? No, I do actually. I is it? Oh, give me a pen. I did it again. Oh! Are you fucking with me? No, I do actually. I've never heard that bit though. No, I've never heard that. Do you know what's my favourite? When someone goes, oh, did someone finally go, oh, whoever smelt it dealt it. And then somebody who I went to school with once said, oh, whoever made the rhyme committed the crime.

Oh, shit. Yeah. The thing with whoever smelt it dealt it. Yeah. Is that when someone has actually farted, everyone's just like staring at each other with sweating eyes being like, if I say that I smelt it, then everyone will say I dealt it. Yeah.

And everyone's eyeballing each other. Yeah, so everyone's like, you're going to break first. Yeah. You're going to do it. And that's why having that backup of whoever made the rhyme committed the crime, you go, well, that wasn't me because I didn't do it. But then you've rhymed also, so have you crimed also? Yeah, it's really.

You know, it's a catch-22. It's like confessing. It's actually. Oh, beautiful segue. This is our confession. Thanks for submitting your confessions, TonyandRyan.com.au. The link's in our show notes as well. Do you want to start with Poopy McGavin or with I pissed on a prime minister?

Actually, let's start with pissing on a prime minister. I mean, gun to my head. I mean, which one do you choose? Have you ever pissed on a prime minister? No. No. I've never been close to a prime minister. Like I've never met a prime minister.

Or I met Bill Shorten. He was almost a prime minister. I should have been. He should prime minister. Like I've never met a prime minister. Or I met Bill Shorten. He was almost a prime minister. I should have been. He should have been. Fucking should have been. When you were at the radio station, did ScoMo come in? Jason PJ? He always did on the line.

And to be honest, I wouldn't happily meet him anyway. Yeah, he's a bit of a senior. Like I don't think I would ever talk to him. If I saw him, I'd probably just stamp him. If I saw him in a cafe, I would probably be a dick. Yeah. I was a dick I'd probably just stamp him. If I saw him in a cafe, I would probably be a dick. Yeah. I was a dick once to Pauline Hanson. She came into the radio for a

for an interview when I was in Bunbury and it was during all of the... Did you work at a place that promoted racists? Pretty much. Okay. Yeah, AM radio. And it was during all the brouhaha of Pauline Hanson saying, well, during it, it's all the time.

So obviously she's a horrible racist and she said all the stuff about. Welcome to our political podcast, by the way. Yeah, she said all of that horrible stuff about like halal food. Oh, okay. And she was walking down the way to me and her and her political assistant were like oh and we'd love to do a photo op at a local um food place bakery or whatever and i was like you know where you should go um uh the bakery in bumbury i said i said the name i can't for the life of me remember

what it is maybe ankara bakery and i think that's in perth anyway and she goes is that good and i went yeah it's just on the main drag on the left hand side. She goes, thank you so much. And it was Kebab Shop. Jokes, bitch. Shame. Shame. Yeah, so she went to this Turkish bakery because I told her it was really good.

But she would have rocked up there and gone, well, I'm not fucking eating here. But it was still a good gag. No, it was good. It was great. It was a great gag. Yeah. Fucking bitch. I don't like it.

Actually, tomorrow on the show, are we doing the pettiest thing you've done? Oh, there's mine. Because that's pretty fucking petty. Yeah. Tea Lodge on the school board. I was like, I don't have one, but I do. I do, because it turns out I'm a bitch. Yeah, it turns out I'm actually an asshole.

That's tomorrow. But today. Yeah. It's confessions. These are top confessions. When I was a baby, my family was staying at a hotel where the Prime Minister, John Howard. The eyebrows.

Was doing a press conference. My parents asked him to hold me for a photo and I was wrapped up in a little swaddle. What a weird thing to ask a stranger to hold your child. I understand that it's the Prime Minister, but can you imagine going up to someone that you don't know, thrusting a baby into their arms and going, let's take a photo of this.

What a fucking weird thing to do. If my baby was born last week, I would have taken her to Young Gravy. You could take her already in the tummy to Young Gravy. I don't think Bridget would let me go. And that's the issue I'm having with Bridget and the daughter at the moment. Yeah, because they're combined. Yeah. So I'm wanting to like party with my daughter and Bridget's like,

no, I'm like, well, that's cool. Me and daughter McDaughter-Vachel just fucking roll down there. And she's like, yeah, but I have to come because she's still in sight. Because Bridget's driving. It's a bit of a fucking short home, to be honest. Yeah. So John Howard's doing this press conference and the confessional is a little baby

and it's wrapped in a little swaddle. When mum and dad took me back from Prime Minister John Howard, it had become apparent that I had pissed absolutely everywhere, including all over the Prime Minister's shirt and jacket. Without any time to change, he had to go and deliver his speech or the conference or whatever he was that he was doing there, and he was still covered in my wee. Mum said we watched the evening news to see if we could see the pee,

and she could. There was a wet patch on his jacket. It was like we were famous. Yes, Tony Lodge? That sounds like a story that a mum would make up. Not everyone's mum is a liar. Don't you think, though? Do you get what I'm saying?

Just like, oh, Tony, Western Australian girls can't be in the Australian girls' choir. A bit like that. Oh, Tony, there's mint in this chocolate biscuit. Don't eat it. But don't you reckon that that sounds a bit like a porcupine that your mum would tell? It fucking does.

I'm not saying that the confessional is lying. I'm saying you've been lied to. No, I'm not saying that our confessional is lying, but I think it sounds a bit like a bit of mayo that your mum would put on a story. We saw it on the news. Yeah, like, fuck, mum, pull the other one, I feel. I don't think that our confessional is lying,

but it does sound like potentially it could be something that maybe mum went, oh, yeah, that bloody happened, Selena, you know? How do you feel about the fact that Selena, because apparently that's her name, has probably told this story 100 times in her life and only now on the Tony and Ryan podcast is learning that she is full of shit. To be honest, I'm heartbroken, Selena, for you, my friend.

I'm – this is just – it's unfounded. I'm just saying it does sound a bit like that. Show me the YouTube clip of the news story. That's what – yeah, I want to see the VHS because they would have recorded it on their VHS. Would you though if you're staying in a hotel? Oh, in the hotel, of the news story. That's what, yeah, I want to see the VHS because they would have recorded it on their VHS. Would you though if you're staying in a hotel? Oh, in the hotel, no, probably not. But, you know, another great excuse.

Convenient. It is convenient, yeah. All right, well, let's move on to Poopy McGavin. Sorry, this is, confessions aren't a place where we call you out. I'm just. I'm just calling you out. I'm worried, Selena, that you have been lied to. Because let's think about this logically.

John Howard's not getting on the TV in a pissy jacket and shirt. He'd have a spare. Has anybody ever watched Veep or any TV show about politics or any movies? They have spares of everything. There's no way he's getting in a press conference. Covered in baby's piss. Covered in piss.

Yeah, you're probably right. There's just no way. If you've never pissed on a prime minister, you've never seen a prime minister, have you ever pissed on just a regular constituent? No, I don't think I've ever weed on anybody. Why not? Didn't need a go.

Okay. Yeah, you don't need to pee as often as I do. Have you? Yeah. Who have you weed on? Two guys. In a sex way? No, no.

What sports? Different occasions. Oh. One time I was at a house party. Yeah. And you know like a house party that's out in the middle of nowhere? Kids. When I say kids, I mean like 17, 18.

Yeah. This one guy's drank way too much and he's like, fuck, I'm going to spew. Yeah. And you know how like the first time you're way too drunk, he's like, well, I just got to get out of the house. So he just goes out into the garden and he's just vomiting or something. And I reckon he must have like fallen asleep. Yeah.

And so then being a dude and there's a bit of a line for the bathroom at a house party, you go, I'm just going to go out the back. Fair enough. Yep. So I'm pissing out the back. I'm like midstream. And then I hear this, oh, what's going on? And I was like, fuck, there's a guy there.

And I'm like mid-piss. And I didn't even realise it was them. And you can't stop once you get started. So I kind of like moved to the side. Pringles. And he was like, hey, bro, can you get me some water? And I was like, this guy doesn't know he's being pissed on. Have some of this, dude.

Well, no. Oh, sorry. Sorry, that's fucked. Sorry, everyone. Sorry, that was fucked. And I just go, oh, yeah, I'll just go get you some. And then just left and obviously didn't go back. You didn't go back and take him to the water.

He's probably still there. And Christmas Hills. Oh, well, it's Easter Hills now. It's been that long. Last Christmas Hills. Fucking hell. Yeah, sorry. The second time I pissed on someone.

Oh, fuck, there's more. Yep. I was at a foam party. Unroll those eyes. You just talk about foam parties an incredible amount. Like, you bring them up a lot. I mentioned them for the first time last week. That was not the first time.

You've been talking about. And I just mentioned that Ginny slipped and broke her face at a phone party because they're dangerous as well as awesomely fun. She heard of Ginny. Ginny heard of Ginny. Please don't make fun of my friend Ginny. Sorry. But, I mean, if I can watch where you're walking. Yeah.

Have you ever, so. No, I've never been to a phone party. So I'm in this phone party and the bathroom is like, you go out of the phone, up the stairs, dry off and have to go. And I was just having like so much fun

that I was like, it's gonna take 10 minutes to get out and dry off and go to the. And I was just having like so much fun that I was like, it's going to take 10 minutes to get out and dry off and go to the bathroom. I was like, I can't leave. I'm just having that much fun. And because the foam is like knee deep and I'm like, oh, there's fucking all sorts of shit in here. Like no one's going to notice if like someone's pissed me. Yeah, they will.

No, and it's all like suds. It's all soap and stuff. So it gets cleaned. Do you think that soap is the same as wee? Because if you do, then's pissed in it. Yeah, they will. No, and it's all, like, suds. It's all soap and stuff. So it gets cleaned and just, like. Do you think that soap is the same as wee? Because if you do, then we've got a problem. The soap, we'll clean it and, like, you know, just mix around and, like, it's fine. Like, if someone pees in a big pool, like, it's fucked,

but also, like, you wouldn't notice or care because it would just mix in, you know, like, that's the whole thing. Yeah, but you're in liquid. You were just pissing on the floor. You're trying to make this sound better, but you pissed on the floor. That's literally, like, you being like, oh, there's a plant over there. I'll just piss in on the floor you're trying to make this sound better but you pissed on the floor that's literally like you being like oh there's a plant over there i'll just piss in it no one will notice well no it was like knee deep i reckon where do you think your cock is i wish it was knee deep yeah but like you know it's not as if it's buried in the phone so i start pissing in the phone and and because it's like you're just pissing on a dance floor in a club.

Do you understand that that is not okay? Like when you think about it, it's really not okay. Well, there is a point of self-awareness in this story. I promise. I hope so. So it's like a pretty tight packed dance floor. That doesn't make it better. No, I know.

But I'm chatting with my friends. I'm like, well, at least piss the other way. I don't want to piss on the front of my friends. Oh, yeah, because. That doesn't make it better. No, I know. But I'm, so I'm chatting with my friends. I'm like, well, I'll at least like piss the other way. I don't want to like piss on the front of my friends. Oh yeah. Cause God, make it a bit better. Guys got morals. Yeah. Values.

Yeah. So I'm pissing and I've just realized that like, I'm kind of pissing on the back of this guy's leg. Um, and it's like hitting him in like probably the back of the knee on the thigh or something like that. And he obviously notices that the foam. Isn't wee. Well, it is.

Like it's not cold. It's like there's something warm hitting him, and it's like hitting him instead of just like floating. And so he turns around and just sees me. Pissing on him. Pissing on his leg. Which is obviously disgusting. Yeah. And then here's where the self-awareness thing comes in.

Yeah. I looked at him in the eye. So because he stared at me and I sort of looked back like a deer in the headlights. And I thought, if this guy punches me as hard as he can in the face, fair enough. Yes. A hundred percent. You have to cop that. Yeah.

It's not like I'm going to fight him back. Yeah. I was like, no, if you punch me, I'll go, yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. You know what, mate? Thanks, bro. Absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah. And in that situation, you do have to cop that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, nah, I am in. And that's when it hit me like, nah, this is fucked.

Yeah. And I'm still flowing. It's still going. And I'm like, this is going to fucking knock me out. And I just hope I don't drown. Is he? And I'm going to probably drown in the foam of my own piss. And your own piss.

With my dick out. And he just looks at me and goes, mate, come on. And then just turned around and kept partying. As if to say, like, I'm a bit fucked, but I get it. All right. That's what he's saying. Is this your confession? I mean, it is a confession.

Do we even need the next one? Because I feel like that is really fucked. And I'm actually feeling like maybe you didn't realise that you were going to tell both of those stories today and now you have. Do you need a moment? Okay. I wish you'd offered me a moment five minutes ago.

Well, I couldn't. All of a sudden you were pissing on people at parties and both actually pissing on people at parties in two different situations and having so much fun in the phone that you couldn't go to the bathroom. I did. I just not. Toilet.

The action of going to the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. The next one's pretty graphic. Should we just leave it there? Next week on the show. Should we make a judgment call here? Yeah, yeah.

Should we do what Ryan should have done 10 minutes prior to pissing on the guy in a pub? Yeah, which is take a moment and think, is this what I'm doing? Maybe we're at the max, yeah. Well, given that the next one is called. What is it, Poopy McGavin? Poopy McGavin asks, am I worse than Ryan? I think we should save it.

I think that you've copped it today. I think that you've maybe, yeah. The way, was that? Live brainstorm. Okay, live brainstorm. Can I just be really honest? Yeah. You said the C word as well.

You got really, like you're in it. You're in the moment. I didn't realise until I saw your face and heard Cam in the corner squirming just how fucked my story was. I just thought you'd be like, oh, it's a bit silly. I didn't actually think. Yeah. But now that I've seen your reaction and thought about it.

I think it's because the thing that you're saying that makes it fine is that the phone was there. If you take, like, that's still fucked, right? Like, you're wrong. Like, if you take the foam away, you've just pissed on someone in a pub. Yeah. Yeah. That's like you right now going, can't be bothered going to the toilet

and pissing on our producer, Ken. Well, no, it's not because you covered in foam. It's like a cleaning product. No, but taking the foam away, like, there's actually, it's much of a muchness, I feel. But also, if there wasn't foam there, I could have just walked to the bathroom. I wouldn't have to go dry myself. There wouldn't have been a rigmarole.

Fuck foam parties are good. Should we have one? Should we have a foam party? No, don't actually. You'll piss on us. Well, I think, imagine, okay, I tell this story and now I announce we're having a phone party. Who wants to come?

Yeah, I feel like you'd be trying to flog tickets. I don't think that people are buying them. Not a hot seller? Imagine if Young Gravy was a phone party. You would have been there. Oh, my fucking God. You would have been there, pissing on it. That would be the greatest yes.

The answer is yes. I'm glad I put you a run on the gravy train all right next week poopy mcgavin is it worse than ryan and we'll promise that what happens before poopy mcgavin will be not and if you want to come to my phone party let me know in the episode thread in facebook hot foam garbage. Hey, this is Felicity from Toronto, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapions. Adam, thank you so much.

Amanda Urstel and Drew Becker, thank you very much for being part of our Patreon. You fucking love to see it. You can check it out at any time. We do monthly live streams for our champion tapas. There's a weekly blog from the desk of Dr Tony Lodge and we post exclusive vids in there, like whole breaks of episodes that aren't in the video episodes.

So you can see all the juicy details. Get to vote on shit. Actually, your Tarpers are required for this bit as well. Oh, no. Yep. Yep.

Look, a few weeks ago, we learned that deep down in your subconscious, Tony, you had like a longstanding grudge with the Australian Children's Choir because you wanted to be in the choir. I wanted to be in the Qantas ad. These really infamous ads in Australia where all the kids

in the Australian Children's Choir are all over Australia in famous landmarks all over the world. Yeah. And they're in these beautiful ads that bring a tear to your eye. And they are so, like the ads honestly still make me cry now. Like they are fucking beautiful. And they keep remaking them. They're so good.

We jokingly said, oh, well, you know, even though your mum lied to you and said that kids from Western Australia aren't allowed in the children's choir, it turns out you can. Yep. Lauren Kelly, our friend from Busselton, she was in it. Yep. We jokingly said we'll try and get you an audition and, oh, we laughed. Yeah, because, like, obviously not.

What if I told you that after, you know, more than a decade of being denied the chance to live out your dream, if you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted? Would you capture it or would you let it slip? Yo, his palms are sweaty. Well, that's my question to you. Would you capture it or would you let it slip away? Because Tony Felicia Lodge, as of an email received last night

after a board meeting yesterday afternoon. A board meeting? Well, the board needed to approve, I think, any external filming and blah, blah, blah. So for the name of the... We have scored you an audition with the Australian Children's Choir. So I could get in? Well, they have one condition oh and i also as the producer of this

and you're like hype man also have a condition okay um their condition and it was sort of just like a general um i wouldn't say advice they just said um can you just please um with what you do on the day and any filming and stuff for the podcast yeah um we just said, can you just please, with what you do on the day and any filming and stuff for the podcast, we ask that you, can you just please respect the choir? Absolutely. Oh, my God. I've got nothing but the utmost respect for the Australian Children's Choir.

And respect their decision. I mean, that's a different question. They're not. No, well, they've just said, hey, if you just come in and just be respectful and we'll give you an audition and that will, you know, if it's a yes or if it's a no, we just need you to respect that either way. Question.

That's their condition. I'm going to ask the question on everyone's lips. Obviously, I'm almost 30 years old. You turned 30 this year. Obviously, they're saying respect our yes or no. Can I actually get in? No. They traditionally hire, I don't know if hire is the right word,

but people get in from the age of 10 to 16. Okay. So no, I can't actually get in. No, you're jumping to conclusions. You have an audition. Yeah. Do you know how hard it is to get an audition? Oh, no.

You don't sound very appreciative. No. I'm waiting. Are you respecting the choir right now? I'm waiting for the punchline. I'm like, are you saying I can't actually do it? But if I can actually do it, I mean, it makes it all the more exciting. Traditionally, that's where they hire from. Upside down question mark.

Who knows? Rules are meant to be broken. upside down question mark. Who knows? Rules are meant to be broken. My condition is that myself and the rest of the tapas, that we get to vote on and decide which song you sing during the audition. No.

With respect to the choir, I feel like we need to take this very seriously and you'll all do a silly one. Well, I've got two written down and I will also, is there two songs? So you've got four to choose from. Yep. I've got two ready. Uh-huh.

Is there two songs that you, like what's your go-to audition song? And I know Australian Idol type auditions are very different to like a choir. Yeah, so that more of a pop song would be Idol. Yeah, so what's a song that would kind of like show off your voice, do you reckon? Or like what's a natural song for you to sing? My go-to audition song for like when I was doing classical voice,

when I was like studying opera, was this song called P.A.A. Zoo, which is like means peace something something. It's in Latin. Like the whole song's in Latin.A.A. Zoo, which is like means peace, something, something. It's in Latin. Like the whole song's in Latin. Oh, okay. That's not really a crowd pleaser if we're in an English-speaking language. Well, no, probably not. But, like, it is good.

Are we trying to get you in, though? Well, I mean, I think that. Because I still call you Australian homes in Australian, in English, so. What's it in? It's in English. But I feel like that you just don't, you can't hang shit on what I'm saying. Okay, yeah, but is there another option?

So that was that one. Yeah, what's the other option? But then I feel like do I cast my mind back to when I wanted to audition, which I would have been like, what, 12? Which would have been maybe 2004, 2005. So a hit song from that time, maybe Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson. Because that's got a few high notes, right?

Well, because, you know, that was big then. So if I'm thinking back to that time, that would have been a hit. And that was the song that they used as the audition song in Pitch Perfect as well. So I feel like it works on a few levels. And does it suit your range? Well, I don't know. But, I mean, it's a great song, isn't it?

And I would have been really proud to do that. So you're doing La Pa Pa Pa Pa. P-A-A-Zoo. Yep. Yeah. But also I did audition for, I didn't get in, for the Alan's Kids Australian Idol competition quite a few years ago. And my mum filmed me singing, you know, that song,

La L is for the way you look at me, like from Parent Trap. So that's also an option, I feel. Have you got that video? I don't have the video. I looked for it. All right. And what was that one called again? I don't know what that song is actually.

Is it just called L-O-V-E? Yeah. That's a great song. L-O-V-E in brackets, Parent Trap. Yes. I'll write this down. Yeah. I have got my. You don't want me to do the opera one?

Is that what you're saying? No, no. I just want you to put your best foot forward. Well, me too. Yeah. Okay. No, but I like. Let's go Papa Zoo.

And then also. Okay. You got to choose between L-O-V-E or Because of You. Because I've got my two. Okay. Since you've been gone. Not Because of You. Oh, sorry. Because that's. Because of You? Because I've got my two. Okay, it's Since You've Been Gone, not Because of You. Oh, sorry.

Because that's because of you, I never strayed to find a sidewalk. Am I aware of two separate Kelly Clarkson songs? I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. That's Breakaway. What was it called? Since You've Been Gone. Okay. Since You've Been Gone.

Okay, so here is the list for Tafas to choose from. Okay. Papa Zoo, Since You've Been gone. Okay, so here is the list for Tarpers to choose from. Okay. Papa Zoo, Since You've Been Gone, Milkshake by Khalees, and WAP by Cardi B. Okay, no, well, they're not respectful for the choir. That was their condition. My condition is that you let Tarpers decide. Hey, if everyone agrees that that's not the right song,

then they won't vote for it. No, that's not fair because we have to respect the choir. Now, how do I spell Papa Zoo? P-I-E. Oh, okay. Hang on. No one said Papa Zoo. You're just saying that.

P-I-E. Yeah. J-E-S-U. J-E-S-U. P-A-Y-Z. Pazooza. I just don't think that you look at words and actually try sometimes. Well, I can't look at it because I'm writing it in real time.

Do you? I mean, a bit of a curveball. Should I go to them with a classic that they know? Should I just sing I Still Call Australia Home? Do you want me to put that on the list? You know, like get them in the, like hit him in the fields. Well, do you want to ditch Kelly Clarkson for that? Oh.

What do you think? Because I really, I want to do a good job. Could we swap that for WAP, do we think? No. Or Milkshake? I'll do, WAP can be an option because I'm a great rapper. I know that. Yeah. There is a rap breakdown in Milkshake. I'll do WAP can be an option because I'm a great rapper. I know that. Yeah.

There is a rap breakdown in milkshake. Yeah. I'm not a huge milkshake fan. Would you prefer my neck, my back? I just don't want to say pussy at the Australian Children's Choir. Do you know what I mean? Like I feel like that's just a step too far, isn't it? A bridge too far.

What do you think? I don't feel like you're respecting my dreams and you're not respecting the process. That's what I'll say. You have to understand this has been a dream of mine for 15 years, longer actually, and you're not respecting it by wanting me to say pussy at the Australian Children's Choir auditions. A pop cultural moment of the decade.

Well, lots of things are. What was? WAP. Was it? It was a defining moment in musical culture. But it wasn't out. Oh, what about this though? It wasn't out when I would have been 12.

Yeah, but you were auditioning in 2023. No, but I'm auditioning for them. We're not actually going back into the future. We're auditioning right now. Are we going back into the future? Back into the past. I feel like that's not respectful to the Australian children's choir. Will there be children there?

Because I can't say pussy if there's going to be children there. No, okay, I'll make sure that you're – no, actually, I know that there won't because it's a closed audition. Good. Oh, yeah. I mean, celebrities that need to have a closed audition. Well, actually, it was more – Oh, fuck. Well, when we it was more. Oh, fuck.

Well, when we organise this, we're not just turning up to their regular, like we've said, can we come in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's not like it's the annual trial tryout day. No, yeah, it's a special. Yeah, so they won't, they'll just be like, I think there's just a few sort of. Is there a panel?

Well, there's the person who's like the – they're not a conductor, are they? Who's the person that stands at the front and kind of – Conductor. That's a conductor. Okay. Conductor. And then there's just the person that runs the thing, like a manager or something. Probably.

I don't know the fucking words, mate. All I know is that there's a couple of people – You don't have to lash out. You're right. Don't just go at me. I actually don't. I actually don't. We're trying to win this stream together.

I think – you know why I'm a bit defensive? Why? It's because I feel like I've done a lot of groundwork here and you're poo-pooing my- No, I'm nervous. Okay. We're both nervous. Let's speak together.

We're both nervous. We're on the same team. Do you know what I mean? We're actually on the same team. Oh, we're holding hands. That is beautiful. And what I just want to say is that I want to make sure that we do respect the Australian Children's Choir.

Yeah. Because an Australian icon. I agree that WAP is a choice. Yep. So let's just hope that the tarpers choose correctly. So that is in Patreon as of now. All right. So what's on the list?

Just to recap, what's on the list? Pie Jess. P.A.A. Zoo. Yep. Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson. Great. Milkshake by Kelis. WAP by Cardi B.

And I Still Call Australia Home. No, I don't think we can do that. Why? It's too close to the, like you need, so when you're a writer for a sitcom and you're applying for a job, you never show a script of that show because they know it too well. You need to show them something different. That's a good point, actually.

All right. Watch this space. The tapas will decide. The voting is up now on Patreon. Do we know when you – like how long have I got to prepare? Because I'll need to know the words off by heart, of course. Well, we'll let this poll up. Oh, of course.

Yeah, you need it. I, like, need some practice. Might go and do a singing lesson or something. We'll leave the poll up for a few days or a week or something. And so next week we'll lock in the song, we'll lock in a time, and we'll prepare for the audition. I'm so nervous. I'm sweating.

I've got the nervous. I feel like I might need to poo quite soon. I have that feeling all the time. You're going to love to see it. Besides that, you've got an audition to achieve your dreams. I have that feeling all the time. You're going to love to see it. Besides that. I do. I mean, besides that. I'm really nervous.

So would you capture it or will you let it slip away? I'm going to capture it, hopefully. Hopefully it doesn't slip away. I get to take this bull by the horns. Is that right? My love to see it is from Carly Brunes. You might remember Carly because last week or the week before, I shared her story that she petted a dog, said hi to the owner,

kept walking, and the dog followed her. And they went on a couple of dates and whatever. With the owner, not the dog. Oh, yeah. She pet a dog, now they're dating. Yeah, they really like each other. The conversation's flowing. The dog's handsome owner joined her on her walk and they went on a couple of dates.

Update. Carly says, update from my Hallmark meet cute story. I showed him the episode without telling him what was going on. And he was really confused when he heard us say her name. Then he was smiling ear to ear as they listened together. And I'm imagining like one air pod in each ear, like very romantic. She's very stoked that we liked the story.

And since she commented, they've spent every day together. Oh, my God. And he's been staying at her place since then with the dog. Okay, I was just about to, I don't know if it was too... They're like a little family. I don't know if it was too... They're like a little family. I don't know if it was too soon to ask, like, if they're doing the hippity-dippity.

But if they're staying over. We're both totally head over heels for each other and see a bright, long-lasting future ahead. Oh, my God. Isn't that beautiful? That is beautiful. From Pat and the dog, change your life. Literally...

Oh, my God, that was beautiful. Put that on a T-shirt. Pat a Dog, Change Your Life. Literally. Oh, my God, that was beautiful. Put that on a T-shirt. Pat a Dog, Change Your Life. You never know what's waiting for you around the corner. Have you ever patted a dog and regretted it? Never. Never. I was at a cafe the other Saturday.

He had it in the middle at St. Andrews Market. And they had, like, this dog that just kind of roamed around the market. You know, they're just so comfortable around other people. His name is Teak, I think. Teak. Yeah, and we sat down for a little iced coffee and he came, and when I was sitting there, he just came and put his head on my lap. Oh.

Because he saw me from a mile away and goes, there's a fucking patter. He'll pat me. There's a patter. He's a sucker. He's a dog guy. He's a dog guy. That is a beautiful story.

Isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, so hopefully in about six months she comments and says, we're engaged or something. Now, I don't have a you love to see it. I have a I would love to see it. Oh, I've done this before and you fucking shot me down. So there's this, it's called a simple human and it's like a bin, right?

Like a trash can. Yeah. And it looks like it's being sold in like a... A simple human. It's called simple human. I'm about to send you a picture. Yeah. Maybe simple looks like it's being sold in like a... A Simple Human. It's called Simple Human. I'm about to send you a picture. Yeah. Maybe Simple Human's the brand.

But it's like a bin or a trash can and it seems like it's being sold in a Target or a Kmart or a Walmart. Oh, sure. Yeah. I'm sending it to you now. I don't get it because everyone's like, oh, it took me way long, too long to realise. But I don't know. I still don't get it.

Because it looks like a person standing next to a bin. With a huge cock. Yeah. And it says, oh, wait until you figure it out. But I can't figure it out. It just looks like a huge cock. I can't figure it out either. It took me way too long to realise what I was looking at here.

Well, if that's not a big cock, then what is it? What is it? But it's like, so it's a picture of the bin there's a person standing next to it and you can see their legs and like the bottom of their t-shirt but the bottom of the t-shirt's where the cock's coming out yeah so it's like where the fly is on the jeans but then their t-shirt sort of becomes their jean. Becomes the cock. What am I? Oh, hang on.

Our producer, Cam, are you looking at this? What is it? Do you want me to look? Yeah. Yeah, tell me because I don't get it. I actually can't for the life of me figure it out. Yeah. That's a hole.

That's a hand-car carrying hole carved into the box. Oh, it's a hole in the box. I stood. Oh, fuck me. Oh my God. Oh. Fuck, luckily we got you here. We would have sat here for 45 minutes.

I would have sat here all day. I don't know. It blends in perfectly. That's in today's episode thread. We'll pop that photo up because, like, oh, well, you do love to see that. Now that I've seen it, I love to see it. You love it now? I love to see a handle.

That was really fucking confusing. That was like a gold dress, blue dress situation, wasn't it? That's stressful. Yeah, that is stressful. All right. Well, you love to see that. Yep. Thank you so much for listening.

We're back tomorrow. And I've got all of your pettiest things. And fuck, they just sent me. I love to see it. So good. So we often talk about the tarpa community as being a very inclusive, welcoming, friendly, supportive. Are you saying that there's a bit of a petty streak in a few of these people?

Yeah, I think that there is. But is there a petty streak in all of us? But it's a bit of like, it's almost do you love to see it? Because some of it you go, oh, that is good. That is good. Yeah. Does anyone piss on anyone? Not that I got to.

I didn't read your comment though, so maybe not. Okay. That's tomorrow. Love you, bye.