Toni and Ryan - Cunny Funts

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

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Welcome to the Tony Ryan podcast. Are you Ryan? Yeah, no, I thought I'd just start with a- Had a couple of stickies this morning. Yeah, on your way. I'm Ryan, the vice captain of the ship. This is Captain Dr. Arthur Muscles Tony Lodge. Thank you.

I'm actually the captain of a cruise. We're going to cruise to call this person. What are you- I was just like, oh, we're like setting sail. I know, because we talked about the nine-month cruise a few weeks ago. Yeah. as a person. What are you? I was just like, oh, we're like setting sail. The nine-month cruise a few weeks ago. Yeah. And I knew you weren't a fan.

I was like, you've changed a fucking tune. Nah, nah. But did you know that like some people are saying it's cheaper to just go on like a long cruise than it is for like retirees to. I actually. Have you heard that? No, I haven't. Okay.

I haven't heard it since that time I told you. Oh, that's weird because I recall telling you in New Zealand. That's okay. Is that the first time you came or the second? Oh, no, you didn't come the first time. I always come the first time. Yeah. Same.

We're calling Corey, who's in Ohio. Hello. Corey. It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? I'm good.

How about you? Yeah, we're well. What are you up to, Corey? What have we interrupted? I've just finished up my work day. I forgot you guys were calling. Oh. Well, Corey will fucking call back.

Yeah, you let us know when you're free, mate. No, no, no. No, no, we're good. I'm just doing laundry. That can wait. Oh. What do you do for work? What does your day look like?

Normally I travel. So, like, I travel and set up new stores for my company that I work for. But we're working from home this week, so I've just been on the computer all day. So question, is traveling for work, like that sentence sounds glamorous. It does. Is it as glamorous as it sounds? Yeah.

It sucks. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Because I think we all hear that when we go to fancy hotels and flights and basically being George Clooney and up. But what's the reality of it, Corey? It just sucks.

Lots of alone time away from everything. Yeah. It just sucks. Like when Tony hasn't snuggled Pippa for a while. Sorry, have you just, what have I said? No, sorry. You said it's like George Clooney and Up, which is that animated Disney film. Was it called Up in the Air?

Up in the Air. Yeah, sorry. I'm imagining George Clooney being the old man. Anna Kendrick's in it. She's the house. She's the balloon. Yeah, okay. Okay, sorry about that, Corey.

As soon as I said that, I saw the cogs turning in Tony's brain going, that doesn't feel right. I don't think George Clooney's in that movie. Sorry, Corey. You know what? Before we turn into IMDb, will you approve today's podcast? It would be an honor. Thank you.

Thank God. Hello, this is Corey from Ohio, originally from Alabama, and I approve this podcast. Happy New Year. Happy Hump Year. Hump Year. And coming up today, Tony, you and I have got a decision to make. I have agonised over the, like, I don't know what it is and I, anyway.

I just want you to appreciate that I could have taken it to the grave. That makes me feel worse in a way. Like, ignorance is bliss, you know what I mean? But also I don't want to keep secrets from you because we're a team. Yeah, we are a team. We're a good team, I think. Yeah, and it's because we've got a trust in each other.

They go, I'm not proud of where we've ended up, but I trust that I can bring this up and we can have an adult conversation. I also feel like I'm way better at being honest now. I thought you were going to say than me, and I was like, what the fuck? I'm just way more better at being honest than you. No, no, no, because it was something that I was really trying to practice last year. More of just a people pleaser. Because yeah, I just go, oh, okay.

Like if you go, oh, would you rather this or this? I just go, oh, that one because it's easier. Call my boyfriend, whatever. Yeah, like whereas now I think I'm better at being like, oh no, I'd actually prefer that. Yeah. Okay, so we've got a decision to make. Okay. And it's, actually no, I won't say that. Yeah. Okay, so we've got a decision to make. Okay. And it's a – actually, no, I won't say any more. All right.

First of all, Brianna has sent us a message. Hi, Brianna. And it said, hey, Tony and Ryan, hey, Tarpers, would love to know your thoughts on some alternative words for swear words that you can use in front of the kids. Now my daughter is starting to talk. My husband and I need to come up with some words so we don't accidentally say the F-bomb in front of our child.

And when I saw this from Brianna, I thought, me too. Yep. Mabel just started talking. She has. She's starting to understand a few words. When I say dog, she like points at BJ. That's so cute. And she also like knows like if I like talk about the food, she'll kind of look and go, oh, is it like dinner time?

Like she'll kind of, she's starting to pick up on a few things. Yeah. And so I'd hate. Mine like a sponge at that age as well. So you gotta be careful. So I'm real nervous about, cause it's a fruitful house, household. Fruitful. Very, the language is fruity, spicy.

Oh. Just like this podcast. What are you chatting about? What's going on in your place? No, we just, we don't mince words. We say how we feel. I grew up in a sweary household, we just don't mince words. We say how we feel. I grew up in a sweary household, if you can't tell. We can tell.

And, I mean, I fucking turned out all right. Do you watch your mouth around, Mabel? Are you aware there's a baby or are you not yet at that stage where there's been a little blob for so long? It's more just that because she hasn't really been up until now. She hasn't really been talking, so I'm kind of like, oh, it's more just that cause she like hasn't really been up until now. She hasn't really been talking. So I'm kind of like, oh, it's fine. Yes.

And I think even the first couple of times I was like, oh, and then Mabel was, uh, and then Bridget was like, she doesn't fucking know. And I was like, cool. Okay. Um, but my nephews, uh, like. Oh yes. Swear police. How old are they again?

Uh, like about to turn 10. Oh, so they're right on it. Seven, yeah. When a seven-year-old hears a swear, they're like. Oh, and he's like, don't, Aunt Toddy. And I'm like. Sorry. Do they tell on you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mom, Tony said a bad word. Mom, Aunt Toddy's been swearing. That's your sister Libby, right? Yeah, my sister Libby. And my sister Libby, she swears too. But she's like good around. She's been swearing. That's your sister Libby, right? Get over it. Yeah, my sister Libby. And my sister Libby, she swears too. But she's like good around like normally. She's figured it out.

Well, around the kids she doesn't really. But whenever she's talking like to another adult, like so if I'm there and we're chatting, she'll go, oh, and then fucking she'll go, oh, mum. Oh, no. Yeah, and you hear like Wes from the other room go, oh. I've got a question for Libby. Yeah, a question for Libby.

Ask her this. Yep. She listens, so. Oh, I'll ask you right now. I've got a question for Libby. Yeah, a question for Libby. Ask her this. Yep. She listens, so. Oh, I'll ask you right now. I looked down the barrel of the camera even though it's a podcast. Yep. She's on FaceTime. Libby, why are you raising snitches?

But actually like they are like so quick on it. And then so they've just gotten there. Tony swore. Hey, kid, shut the fuck up. So she said to them, she's like, adults are allowed to swear. And they're like, no, not around me. Like they're just like. What the fuck up. So she said to them, she's like, adults are allowed to swear. And they're like, no, not around me. Like they're just like. What the fuck?

Get a life, kids. Get a computer game or something. So they not long got a dog. Yeah. And the dog swearing. No, well, and my sister was in the car. Like the dog was in the car with them and they were driving somewhere and maybe like something happened.

She went, oh, fuck. And then my nephew goes, mum, don't swear around Murphy, the dog. Otherwise Murphy will start swearing. I hope he does. Dogs can't fucking talk. Don't be stupid. What an idiot kid. He's just like the sweetest boy.

And he's like, no, no, no, I want to keep everything above board. He's like, so I really need to watch it. So this is handy for me too. Yep. Amy. Hi, Amy. Because this is handy for me too. Yep. Amy. Hi, Amy. Because a lot of people contributed theirs. Oh, so we're getting the inside scoop from the parents.

Now, this is a classic that I hadn't heard for a few years, but I love it. Yep. Amy goes, ah, shiitake mushrooms. Oh, yep, yep. Classic. Because a frickin' doesn't do it anymore. They'll call you out for a frickin'.

Yeah, I reckon. I frickin'. Now, I've read this one from Christine ten times, and I just need to be really – it's almost too close to the original. Oh, God. Okay. Even the shape of the words makes me want to say what. Okay.

I can't say it. Yeah, Tony, she's a bit of a cunny funt. Yeah. That one, it's too tricky. It's too tricky because in the heat of the moment. Oh, carry the C, swap that. Carry the C? But that's a tricky one.

That's going to get you in more trouble, I reckon. What's a cunny font? Even though a font just makes me feel weird. Font is upsetting. It's like when people talk about the runt of a litter. I'm like, don't say that. Don't be so nasty. Or mention a gunt.

I'm a fan of the word gunt. Because it sounds naughty, but it isn't. Yeah. Catherine says, I went to a Catholic school and we weren't allowed to use the Lord's name in vain. Yeah. Catherine says, I went to a Catholic school and we weren't allowed to use the Lord's name in vain. Yeah. So instead of saying Jesus Christ, we'd say cheese and rice. I've heard that, but I've heard not in a funny way,

like legit religious people go, oh, cheese and rice. I'm like, oh, how boring is your life? Yeah. You're talking about that all the time. I've also heard. Because you thought they were just hanging out and talking about cheese and rice. No, no, no. I was like, but how boring.

Like, a bit of spice. Jesus Christ. Another one that I've heard is like guac and cheese. Like, holy guac and cheese is another one that's a bit like that. What's the? Like guac and cheese. Oh, no, I got that bit. I think it's just to like word salad to be like, oh.

Guac and cheese. Yeah. Like, I got that bit. I think it's just to like word salad to be like, oh. Fucking cheese. Yeah. Like, I think it's just like a exclamation. I used to love Shut the Front Door. I like a Shut the Front Door. Yeah. Because you can get halfway through your badge. Shut the Front Door.

Yeah. I need one for some reason. I've been in a toe stubbing phase. Yeah. I need one for some reason. I've been in a toe-stubbing phase. Yeah. I've hit the stools a few times. Yeah. And I'll go, oh, you mother. And I kind of need a word to replace that.

Because that's just the natural thing that just comes out. What about mother lover? You mother lover. Mel goes, what? And I go, yeah, I love you, mum. Yeah, love you, mum. Okay, no. What about mother trucker?

Yeah. Is like a, because it gets. Sorry, I just pictured my mum in a trucker's hat. You get the, like, still get the satisfaction. Mother trucker. Oh, you little mole rat. I've said that before. Instead of calling someone a mole, you little mole rat.

Mole rat. That's nice. I call Pippa a rat a lot. I'm like, oh, you little rat. Rat. Sarah says, Ryan, you should learn to swear in French. Not only will you sound fancy, but if your daughter does figure it out, at least she means she's bilingual.

Is that how that works? I don't believe so. And I don't think it's like, you know, lesson one on Duolingo. So you have to get quite far into the language before you learn that. You do to law. Oh, my gosh. In a job interview and it's like, oh, I see you speak French. Yeah, just the swears.

Yeah. Can you give me an example? And you're like, shut the fuck up, you stupid d***. And you say that in French. And so it sounds good. Parlez-vous de ce c**t? Beat both of those. Have we made progress?

I mean, we've sworn probably more than we normally would, I think. It's a work in progress. So submit yours in today's episode thread, please. Cheese and rice. Hi, this is Corey from Ohio, originally from Alabama, and you are listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

They're all learning French as well, I believe. What did you say? What? What did you say? All good. What did you say? Merci. Yeah, merci. Massive shout-out to Amy Shepard Merci. Yeah, merci.

Massive shout out to Amy Shepard. Thank you, Amy. Austin McAdam. Mikkel the Dickhill. Thank you, Mikkel. Lane Flake and Georgia. Thank you very much, everybody, for being part of our Patreon. You love to see it.

You love to see it. If you weren't part of our Patreon, we wouldn't be able to do what we do. So it's really cool. Thank you very much. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts or the Spotify app or whatever podcast you're on, hit the subscribe or the follow or whatever button it is. It helps us on the back end. So thank you so much for that. And I want you to all be a witness and appreciate that I brought this up and I could have taken it to the grave.

Okay. Do you appreciate that? Not yet. You ask me that again when we've done this and then I'll tell you. Remember when you booked tickets for Torbs to meet us in the US and fly back to Australia and you accidentally booked it on the work card and you accidentally did it in business class and you accidentally got the currencies

messed up and. Okay. No, that's not what happened. Can I tell the actual thing? No, I think that's right. That's, well, that's not what happened though. Basically for a personal expense, you use the work card and you put your hand up and said, oh, I've actually put this on the work card.

No. So the work card, I was supposed to use my card and then because I could be paid for by work because I had to get home. But anyway, yeah. And then I was like, oh, what a good deal. I thought I was getting this great deal, but it was in USD, which is why that, yeah. But on the work card. Yeah, it was on the work card, yeah. And then you went, oh, you know, Torbs and same with Bridger, that's usually a not work expense or something. Yeah, yeah. On the work card for both of you. Yeah, it was on the work card, yeah. And then you went, oh, you know, Torbs.

And same with Bridget, that's usually a not work expense or something. Yeah, obviously. They're not doing anything, man. I don't know if you've seen the brouhaha over the last few weeks, but the Powerball is like jackpotting. It's like the highest ever Powerball ever. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like when it doesn't go off a few weeks in a row, yeah, jackpots.

It like all adds up or whatever. Yeah, and so there's been a bit of chat. And even on like the morning TV shows, they're like, oh, blah, blah, blah. We're joined by the guy from the lottery office. And he goes, oh, the most popular numbers in the suburb. You know, just a bit of hype, bit of chat. I also like it because I feel like it gets everyone so excited, which is like not good because it's gambling, I guess.

But it's also their goal. Yeah. And I got sucked in. Oh. And I went sucked in. Oh. And I went. I do too. Yeah. I'll just jump on my phone and maybe I'll get a ticket.

Yeah. It's the biggest one in history. So I go on the app and it goes, oh, you need to register here. You know, when you ever get to sign up for something and pay it. And because you have to be over 18 to gamble, it's like a bit of an extra step. Oh, do you have to put your ID on or whatever? It was a pain in the ass. And it was like, you have to register your bank details here, here and here.

Or we have PayPal. And I went, oh, easy to register your bank details here, here, and here, or we have PayPal. And I went, oh, easy. I'm on my phone. I'll just press PayPal. And I didn't realize that I bought the ticket with our work PayPal. Yes. Which is actually your PayPal account. We just use it for-

For work stuff. Because if you set up a new PayPal account, you've got to wait ages too. You can transfer money in and out so they know it's not a scam account, all that stuff. Yeah, yeah. So I've bought a lotto ticket. Yeah. Using works money.

Yep. And I want to know if you feel like you've got a claim, if they were a winning. Ooh. Because works bought the ticket, you know what I'm saying? Um. A 50-50 bank account that it's become. Like I said, it used to be mine, but now it's like the work account. it's become, like I said,

it used to be mine but now it's like the work account. It's ours, yeah. Has purchased a lottery ticket. Do you feel like you have any claim to any potential winnings? Ooh, that's a good question. And while you're thinking, because I did it online. Yeah. You know how automatic, like it knows you're not. Cause when you go get a ticket, then you have to take your ticket back to the store and

get scammed. Oh yeah. You know when you've, whether you've won or not straight away. Before you answer, I want you to have a look at what I've just sent you. It's just text from somebody else. Oh, you won. Oh, this won. Oh, this changes. No.

Initially when you said it, I was just like, no, just like put the money back in. Great. Deal. Thank you. All good. Is like what I would have said. That's what I thought.

Shake my hand. My hand's out. No, I'm shaking it. How much did you win? That's the way you love to say it. All good. How much did you win? What's it say you love to say. All good. How much did you win? What's it say on the thing?

It's blacked out. How much did you win? Are you fucking joking me? You're not going to fucking split that with me, you fucking asshole. I gave you the choice. You made your decision. Are you – Ryan. You made your fucking bets.

Are you joking me? I'm obviously not – You're looking at the email. I'm not – You are – you let me shake your hand knowing that you – You shook your – I said you can fucking do whatever you like. Hang on. No. So am I still eligible for I said you can fucking do whatever you like. Hang on, no. So am I still eligible for half of this?

No, you said what you said. All good, though. Just appreciate that I offered. I think we can all agree that's fine. Ryan! Do you want to tell everyone how much it is? $12. Actually, it's $12.15.

$12.15. I will let you know I spent $18.40 on the ticket. Oh, so you haven't quite made money yet? Nah. Nah. But do you know what? That's how they get you. Because then you go, oh, I'll go again.

I'm not going to leave $12 in my account. Do you know what the Powerball thing gets me? Because we shouldn't actually talk about this because I don't think it's very nice. But the Power Hit ticket, it's a bit more expensive, but you get the guaranteed Powerball. Oh, you fucking know! Is that what you're for? Guaranteed, motherfucker. So you get guaranteed Division 27 or something. And then $12.50 is all yours.

Yeah. I mean, $6, obviously, because half each. You had the choice, mate. All good. I mean, my love to see it is that I've got half of $12 coming my way. You can't actually use that as your love to see it because that's obviously mine because we doubled up yesterday. All right, well, I'll save you.

I've got one here from Samantha. And everybody's okay. I just need to flag that. Everybody's all right. Thank you for clarifying. So Samantha, who you love to see, she shared this in our Facebook group. While driving home today, I noticed an old man fell over. And then in brackets she says, that's not what I love to say.

Well, thanks for clarifying, though. Thanks for clarifying. Because I would have taken that. I didn't think that at all. And then she got to the brackets and I was like, Samantha, I see what you've done, but I definitely am not enough of an arsehole to have thought that you went, oh, saw this old guy fall over.

And then I won the Powerball. No, I saw this old man had fallen over while trying to cross the road back to, like, his house. Oh, no. Which is awful. And how you love to see it was that she turned her car, she pulled into someone's driveway and turned around to go and help. And by the time she turned around, like, a metre down the road, three other cars had all pulled over and were helping him up. Right. Isn't that so sweet?

That is sweet. Samantha says, I didn't know this man. I don't know the people that helped, but I'm really grateful that in our community people would like stop and give them a hand. People looking out for people is definitely a love to see. I love that, Samantha. I love that, Samantha, as well. If someone, like would you stop and pull over?

100%. Yeah. You know what? No, no, like, would you stop and pull over? 100%. Yeah. You know what? No, no, no, no. That sounds really bad. No, no, no. Give me a second. Would I go to turn around? Would I go to pull over? Yeah. But if there's already three people there,

like, I'm not going to just, like, have a hero complex and stop anyway. That's worse. I always think that causing a scene makes you more stressed and anxious. Yeah. You guys all good? And sometimes, I don't know if my dad said this once when I was three and I just stuck because everyone has a mobile now.

Yeah. But I remember him pulling over and going, have you guys got a phone? Are you all good to call the tow truck? Oh, yeah. Because back in the day, you wouldn't assume that everyone had a phone. Yeah. And they go, yeah, we've already called.

And he goes, oh, great. Or my dad's on his way or whatever. Yeah, but he's like, did you guys need to use my phone? And they went, no. That's nice. And they go, yeah, we've already called. And he goes, oh, great. Or my dad's on his way or whatever. Yeah, but he's like, did you guys need to use my phone? And they went, no. That's nice. And he went, okay, take care and drove off. So now I'll do that. You guys got a phone?

They're like, yeah. Yeah, it's built into my hand. It's the reason I was in this accident. I was texting. I was texting and driving and drove into a pole, you stupid fuck. Fucking assholes. Anyway. Yeah, and you love to say that.

Yeah. I got to go to see it when you're done. But yeah, I thought that was really, really nice. Fucking assholes. Anyway. Yeah, and you love to say that. Yeah. I got to go up and say it. But yeah, I thought that was really, really nice. It is sweet. But I think, yeah, if there's already people there, I don't have a hero complex that I need to solve where I'm like, I've also stopped. I would just be like, oh, they're taken care of.

I'd just take a photo and put it on Twitter is the obvious one. And just be like, can you believe I helped this person in their time of need? That's more LinkedIn though, isn't it? Yeah, and the dog was the CEO. The dog was the CEO. Yeah, I love it. A tweet here from Doot. And you know how like when you get a receipt, mainly in the US,

it'll say like on the bottom of your receipt like you were served by Tony. Oh, yeah. You can remember the person's name or if there was an issue, at least there's like a point of reference. So someone's name who is a server at the local Waffle House, their name is Justice. Justice. Justice.

And at the bottom it said, you've been served by Justice. And he goes, great, a cheese omelette, some fries and a subpoena. I was like, I do love to see that. That's amazing. Except immediately my mind went to Justice Crew. Shout out to Australia's great boy band of 2007. Dance Crew. Dance Crew.

They were a dance crew. They made K-Sara. The song. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. One of them's in the Wiggles now. The hats? What?

Yeah, Google Wiggles and the hot one is from Justice Crew. Lucky. No, no, no. Google it. It sounds like an awful thing to say, but when you Crew. Lucky? No, no, no, Google it. It sounds like an awful thing to say, but when you say it, you'll go, oh, yeah. Well, I've seen the first traps of the Wiggles on TikTok. Have you seen?

And it's the guy and he's like pumping iron and he's looking real hot and then he does a transition and it's him wearing his skivvy. Is that him? That's the guy from Justice Crew. Well, I mean, do yourself a favour, Google it. There's my love to say it. Is Justice Crew still getting work? I fucking love that.

Thank you for listening through the trials and tribulations of our messy divorce over some money wins. We're off to spend big, bitches. Yeah. I can get half a coffee. Yeah, fuck coffee. Hope you don't want oat milk. Yeah, that might push us, might stretch us.

All right, I'm seeing you tomorrow. Love you, bye.