Toni and Ryan - Dating An Only Fans Performer

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

A bit of an AWKWARD family lunch, thanks to SOMEONE'S brother. Love ya xCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. Hello. And we are calling Los Angeles, California. Oh, a hot girl. We're calling a hot girl named Brandon. Oh, everyone is a hot girl, no matter their gender. The she's, the guy's, and the they's, they're all a hot girl. Okay.

Hello, this is Brandon. Hello, Brandon. Brandon, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? I am fantastic. How are you doing? I am fantastic. How are you all doing? We're doing good. We did describe you before as a hot California girl. Are you willing to accept that title?

I am absolutely willing to embrace that title. Sounds like it checks out to me. Yeah, it feels right. It feels right. It feels right. Brandon, what have we interrupted and annoyed you doing today? Well, I actually, I had blocked this time on my calendar and then my boss had moved our team meeting.

So I told him at a doctor's appointment, I had to step out and I was going to come back afterwards. So I am currently technically at a doctor's appointment. It's not untrue because Tony Lodge is a doctor and has written a blog from the desk of Dr. Tony Lodge. So, I mean, like, she can write you a note. Beautiful, beautiful. I'll take it.

And I also charge many several thousand dollars to see me, just like in America. So, if you could send that to my account, it's 103-7-0. Well, I'll just pass along that invoice. Sounds like something my boss should take care of. Okay, yeah, that's fair. That's absolutely fair. Brandon, will you approve today's episode?

Absolutely. Yeah, legend. Hey, it's Brandon from Los Angeles, California, and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today. Happy New Year. I've been accused of mispronouncing some words wrong and it's fucking bullshit and I need to straight the record. Oh, God.

Okay. We almost got there. Almost got there. It's not a good start. It's not a good start. It's not a good start. Say it's not a good start again. No, I don't think so.

It's not a good start, but it is a happy new year. That's all I'll say. Yeah. Is it Chinese New Year today? Oh, is it? Is it? It's around this time. No, I think it's.

When's Chinese New Year? 21st of January to the 20th of February. Lunar New Year was the weekend just gone. Oh. I mean, happy... I hope that you had a wonderful Lunar New Year for those that celebrate. Guys, it's the year of the dragon. Get around it.

First, let's do some confessions, though. These are top confessions. People submit them at tonyandryan.com.au. They are annoyingly anonymous. So we, when people say, please don't say my name, we go, we don't even ask it. We don't know your email. We don't know your name. Like, and if people say like, oh, any follow up questions, just let me know.

We go, well, we can't. Or my least favorite one. I've got a crazy story about this. Should I share it with you? You're in the form, dog. Hit send. You come this far. Yeah.

I was dating an OnlyFans performer. Hot. And after six months I thought, it's time to introduce her to the family. Great. It was all fine and polite until I introduced her to my brother. And before I had the chance to say anything, he says out loud at a family lunch, Oh, I know you. I totally jerked it to you last night.

It is always nice to meet a fan. The confessor says, I've heard the saying, the silence was deafening before. I've heard that saying. But I've never in real life actually heard silence be so loud. Like excruciatingly loud. Excruciatingly loud was the silence at the family lunch with our parents and grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins and so on and so forth.

The thing is, is that sex work is real work, so that's like not even part of the discussion. But also the brother saying it that way, oh, I jerked it to you last night. That's not appropriate. Correct. There is a difference between going, oh, that job is interesting versus I touched my dick while looking at you last night. Yeah.

Or even like, oh, I follow you. Love your stuff. Great. Like that actually would also be fine. Like it's a person making a living. Like, again, not even part of the conversation, but like who, like even if someone says to me, and this is obviously very different, no one would jerk it to me so I don't have to worry about that.

Hey, hey, hey. Plenty of people jerking. That's what I was fishing for. Yeah, I needed that. In the episode thread today. No, no. Shutting that down. Just leave an emoji.

No, no emojis. I'll leave an emoji. You can no emojis. I'll leave an emoji. You can text me an emoji and a photo. No, but, like, even if someone said, I was laughing to your video last night, I'd go, that's a weird way of saying that. Like, if someone was like, oh, I love you. That's sort of a compliment when you said the laughing bit.

It's a compliment, either way, sure, but like you can't just say that to people. It's like a weird way of saying that. Especially when your grandparents are in the room. Yeah. Also just like the confidence of saying something, yeah, I jerked off to you last night. Like, oh, okay.

Here's a challenge for you. Sorry? Is to this week tell someone you jerked off to them. I'll just tell Torbs. Okay. Aw. That's actually quite nice. Yeah. It's to them. I'll just tell Torbs. Okay. Aw. That's actually quite nice. It's like he's thinking of other girls.

Yeah, you. Yeah, me. Yeah. Yeah. I actually do, though, think about Torbs if I. Really? Yeah. That's a great compliment.

Is it? Yeah. Of course I do. I love him. We can love him and. Oh, yeah, no, of course. But like. Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, thanks. I love that we genuinely went. My grandparents had a lot of questions. Like, oh, okay. So how does that work? You know how like we try to explain podcasts to like older people? You know when your mum always says like. So imagine that multiplied by the spice of content.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And also because whilst it is nothing to be ashamed of ever, it is just like people go so. Well, other people don't get it. Yeah, they just don't get it or like, you know, they're from a different time. I spent most of the day squirming and cringing and like almost being

under the table because I was just like, so, grandfather, so, sweetie, when a guy messages and she, oh. So how do, I want to know how his partner felt in all this, getting the third degree about her job. She laughed it off, explained what she did for a living and sort of had, well, I mean, A, the confidence to be an OnlyFans performer in the first place, said that kind of relayed into real life and that after a while you'd probably been asked all those questions before

and you found a good answer. You know how to answer everything. A total pro at dealing with it, I guess. Yeah, yeah. And also because when your job is a job, it's a job. A job is a job is a job. Like it actually isn't any, like you go to work and get pissed off with your colleagues or like have to talk to your accountant exactly

the same as anybody else. Do you get pissed off with your colleagues? No, no, I'm saying like obviously an example for someone else. Okay, great. Yeah. A year later. Oh. This lunch has become family folklore as she is now my wife.

Guys, it's a love story. Oh, that is, baby, just say, yeah. I don't know if my, and this is a direct quote. Yep. I don't know if my brother is still jerking it to her. Yeah, see, I would be like, well, obviously, please don't jerk it to my wife anymore. But even if he is, that's fine because her earnings paid

for our honeymoon to the Maldives. Oh, Maldives. Maldives, yeah. Wow. And I think he's just going, hey, if you are, thanks for the cash. If not, all good, Doug. Yeah, like. Because I guess from his point of view, it's like, well, if his brother

can't watch. And then, oh, my friends know you can't watch it. And it's like, well, hang on, mate. You're just turning customers away from your wife's business. Exactly. And I mean, your wife's an artist. Would you say that you couldn't hang one of her paintings up? No. Let me jerk it to her.

I've always said that. Yeah, great call. There's just nothing more to say. Yeah. Second confession. That's hot, though. Confession The reason I'll never go back to Dome

Don't Now for those playing along at home Along at home What's Dome? Do you mean for those playing along at Dome? Those playing along at Dome So there's this really good but shit cafe in Perth It's a chain of restaurants

No, cafes Starbucks-esque Yeah, It's a chain of restaurants. No, cafes. Starbucks-esque. Well, yeah, it's a chain. And the thing about it is that like is it anything incredible or like new age or like breakout hit? No. No. It's your stock standard.

You know exactly what you're going to get every time. The food always tastes exactly the same. Yep. And they use this delicious hollandaise from a carton that I really like. Correct. Yeah, and you can't go in Melbourne. So every time I go home to visit the family or when we've been there for work, I'm like, we've got to go to Dome.

Confession. I puffed the magic dragon on a Sunday afternoon in Perth. Nice. So her dad messages her and goes, Grandma and Grandpa are coming forth. Nice. So her dad messages her and goes, Grandma and Grandpa are coming for dinner. Nice. You should come to be here at 5pm. Okay.

It's currently 2pm. I panic because I need to shake off the dragon. Yeah. And Grandma and Grandpa are coming around. You don't know how long they're going to be around for, so you've got to take all the chums you can get. My friend says, oh, just drink heaps of water. I don't think that that doesn't him.

Yep. The confessor says. Not that I know, but I have heard. Well, the confessor goes, I don't know if that did much, but at the time, oh, great idea. Just flush it out. I've got to do something. Flush it out.

Yeah. So I drank more water than any girl should. I decided I shouldn't drive to the family home. Great decision. We do not endorse that. So I instead catch a bus and after being Doesn't the bus suck? Especially in Perth. Fuck yeah.

Trans Perth can fucking suck my dick. After being on the bus for about 20 seconds, myself and my bladder remember that I just drank four litres of water in the last hour or so. Literally the first stop, like, you know, 100 metres down the road from where she got on, she sees a dome. Hits the dinger. Hits the dinger, sees the dome and goes, they're always good for a bathroom. Yep.

I'll get back on the bus later. Yeah. I gotta pee. I'm pretty sure they give you the key on one of those those like, you know, when you get on a big wooden spoon or like a fucking hubcap or something. I asked for the bathroom key. They passed me the huge fucking thing.

They passed me the hubcap, yeah. And she goes yeah, it's up the stairs and to the left. Standard. Do we know what dome it was? I'd love to know a suburb. There are some clues for those playing along at home that I'll get to. Sorry, I've skipped a step. The walk from the bus stop to the dome was about 15 metres,

but it felt like about 10 kilometres because I was limping. I was bursting, like busting that hard. And she's probably still pretty baked. She's pretty fucked. Yeah. I take three steps up the stairs, stack it, and then just start pissing. And once I started, I couldn't stop, so I just pulled my skirt up a little bit so I wouldn't get wet and just kept pissing on the stairs.

Because she's like, I just couldn't move or do anything. I was just like, I'm pissing. I'm pissing. It's happening. was just like, I'm pissing. I'm pissing. It's happening. It's happening. I'm pissing. And down the stairs, so it was just running down there. There I was, sitting on the stairs of a dome, pissing,

watching families eating their Sunday afternoon snacks. Probably having a little bit of calamari. But you know what? Seeing someone pissing on the stairs with their skirt up, that will ruin you. That will ruin you, yeah. Not the calamari. But you know what? Seeing someone pissing on the stairs with their skirt up, that will ruin you. That will ruin you. Yeah. Not the calamari, but that will.

Yeah. Tony always brings up how awesome Dome Cafe is, and I want to make it clear that I don't disagree. Okay. That's good. However, I have avoided the place like the plague since for fear of turning up one day and a staff member being like, there she is, the stairwell pisser.

She's banned for life for pissing on the stairs. Because she finished pissing and then just like walked back to the bus and just like kept going. Did she tell anyone? No. Put up a wet floor sign? No, and because she was half-baked, she doesn't really know how much or where it went or if anyone even saw, but she's like,

all I know is that I was just covered in piss and I just went to the bus stop. Oh, wow. Now here's the clue for super sleuth tarpers in Perth. Okay. That dome is not a dome anymore. It's now a bank, like the building. Yeah.

And that was my bank and I've had to change banks because I can't bring myself to go back there because I'm so like haunted by this memory. So when you said, is there a suburb? Is there a suburb? A dome that is now a bank. Well, it used to be a dome. The dome closed and it's now a bank.

Super sleuths of Perth, do your fucking thing. Okay. Let me finish this off. Sorry to dome staff. Sorry to dome patrons. Sorry to Dome staff. Sorry to Dome patrons. Sorry to Dome. Sorry to Tony, Felicia, Espresso Lodge. Thank you.

That's what I was waiting for. Well, I'm glad that you're safe. You made it to your grandparents' thing. Covered in piss, though. Don't know how you would have explained that one. Yeah. Yeah. And also getting back on the bus.

The bus is fucking one. Yeah. Yeah, and also getting back on the bus. Bus is fucking crazy. Yeah, shit. When you've pissed yourself, is it really just like? Are you just like, well, that's it? Do you just head home? Yeah, surely you go, I've pissed at the dome, time to go home. And I've always said that.

Hey, it's Brandon from Los Angeles, California, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Tapas, Tony and Ryan podcast. Meg Lanworn. Good on you, Meg. Thanks, Meg. Tony Moore.

Yeah, a little bit more. TM. Anna King. James D. Comance. And Nathan Rosell. Thank you. Rosell. Rosell.

Oh, we're stopping there? That's it. Yeah. Rosell. Rose Yeah. Rosel. Rosel. Nathan Rosel's a tarpill. Yeah. I just sung the rest of that in my head and was like maybe.

It doesn't go anywhere. Yeah. It might steer clear of that area. Okay. Sorry. Apparently people from Melbourne say some words funny. Say where we live again? Now I'm thinking about it.

Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. And people accusing us here in Melbourne of saying some words funny and I don't like it. Okay. There is a very distinct Victorian accent. How do you describe it?

Distinct. Yeah. Or like what? Give me some examples. Melbourne is a good one. Like the E-L is often A-L. Melbourne's a good one. And a bit like how you can't spell.

You're not a very good speller. No. But has that got to do with the accent? Or does that spell how I hear it? No, but you say spell like spell. Spell? You're not a very good speller. No, but has that got to do with the accent? Or because I spell it how I hear it? No, but you say spell like spell. Spell. Yeah. Like say spell?

Spell. Yeah, spell. You're saying spell. S-P-E-L-L. Spell. Spell. But you're saying spell. Some people are a lot more distinct than others, but like there is.

So my mate Brodie. Brodie Green and I, we went to Whopper together. Yep. You had the same job as each other? Had the same. Replaced each other almost? Yep. So he went through Whopper.

I didn't know him. Someone said, you would really like Brodie Green. I said, well, I don't know who that is. And then when I started working in radio, someone said, you've taken over the job from Brodie Green. I said, I don't know who that is. Yes, I do. They went, you would really like Brodie Green. I said, I don't know who that is. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. They went, you would really like Brodie Green.

I went, well, I don't know who that is. I do. I do. I've never met him. One of my good mates. And then when I started working with you, Ryan, you're like, yeah, so my best mate Brodie Green. I was like.

Who is this guy? This guy is following me around. Coincidence chat energy. It is coincidence chat. Brodie is from Perth And he's named his son Alice E-L-L-I-S Alice

So you're saying Alice Alice Like Alice in Chains Brodie said he wouldn't have named his kid Alice If he knew in advance that Melburnians said Alice instead of Alice. Okay. He said if he knew, and I quote, Melburnians were fuckheads, he would have thought of a different name.

So Brodie is from Perth, as you said, now living in Melbourne. So he goes to the park and he says, this is my son, Alice. And they go, son. And he goes, yeah. And they go, son? And he goes, yeah. And they go, ah. So he says, Ellis. The kid's name, yeah. Yeah.

But you say, Alice. Which is also his name. E-L-L-I-S, Alice. Ellis. Like the island. You're saying Alice like the springs. So often apparently people at the park will be like Alice and then go, is it a boy or a girl?

Because I thought that was a boy. Yeah. And apparently Alice is a girl's name. Well, because it sounds like you're saying Alice as in Wonderland. Yeah. God, how many more Alice things can I come up with? But it's Ellis, which is quite like a regular name. So what's wrong then with one of my favourite footballers

and former co-host, Xavier Alice? Yeah. So you're saying like Xavier Ellis. And what do you say? Ellis. Xavier Ellis. All right. Can you say?

I've got a couple of these actually all ready to go because do you know who was in the Santa Claus movie and Home Improvement? Tim Allen. Who is married to Portia de Rossi? Allen's Generous. What is that like famous brand of lollies in Australia? Alan's. If you've broken the law, what would that make you?

A criminal? A felon. A felon. I was like, I don't take criminal wrong. And who hosts that night show? Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Fallon, yeah. What's that really big fruit that's like green but pink on the inside?

Tony the Shrek party? Water. Oh, watermelon. And what's a unit of measurement? About 3.8 litres? Oh, a gallon. How do you say gallon? About 3.8 litres? Oh, a gallon. How do you say gallon? Gallon.

But you're saying gallon the same way that you'd say watermelon. A gallon of watermelon. But it's melon. Watermelon. One in a melon. That's funny. One in a melon. That's what I think to Bridget when I've got my watermelon socks on.

That's funny. Yeah. So you see, because obviously Tim Allen, Ellen, Allen's, Felon, Melon and Gallon don't all sound the same. I agree. Yeah. But you're saying that they do sound the same. No, because there's Tim Allen and Alan DeGeneres. They're two different people.

Same industry. Maybe that's where you're confused. Both comedians. If you needed assistance somewhere, what might you hit? A child? Obviously not. Obviously not. No, I hit a button, an alarm, a bell.

Nice. And if you were going on like a little staycation, you might be staying at a hotel. And if you needed assistance while you were checking in, you might hit a hotel. And if you needed assistance while you were checking in, you might hit a. Bell boy. Hotel bell. I'm sorry.

I had a fucking ball riding the hip. I'm not good at the quiz though. A hotel bell. And if you were Pitbull, where would you be? At the hotel motel holiday inn. I would be everywhere. I would be everywhere because I'm Mr. Worldwide. At the hotel motel holiday bow.

You're welcome. You're welcome. I was. I was. Okay. Technical chat. I'm writing that feedback. That's going to go up. I'm so proud of that.

Well, to be fair, when Brodie brought up this issue, because Brodie and his wife and Alice came to stay at my house, and as soon as I was hanging out with Alice, he went, another one. And I go, what do you mean? And he explains it to me. And my first thing I thought is, Tony's going to have a field day. Well, when I first started working in Melbourne, I was working on Jason PJ, the radio show.

And the whole team, so PJ is a Kiwi, but their whole team had come across the ditch from New Zealand. Yeah. So I was working with like all these Kiwis and I didn't really, I'd never really worked with a lot of Kiwis before. And like they had really thick accents because they'd like not long moved. Yeah, they were fresh.

It's like when Bridget spent a bit of time at home and she comes back and it's like, fuck it. Yeah, there's a few thick words in there. Yeah. The word when she goes, oh, when it's late at night, she's like, oh, I'm going to bed. Oh, yeah. Or, you know, when you're talking to her and she goes, yes.

Instead of yes, it's like really tight. Yes. Oh, yes. Anyway, and so I was working with all these Kiwis on this radio show and we used to do like crazy stunts and all this weird stuff. And the boss was like, oh, do you know what would be great? If we could get a bear. And I was like, a bear?

Like a fucking bear? What's the budget on the stunt, bro? Yeah, and he goes, can we get it in the next 10 minutes? A bear? And I went, well, we're going to need longer than that to get a fucking bear, bro. I was about to get my coffee from Outback Canada. So, yeah, I'll just bring a few bears home. I'll just fucking put some steak in the doorway and hope that one just waltzes in.

Well, go get Dr. Justin from Collingwood. He's one of the great bears of Melbourne. And he's like, yeah, like just go and get a bear. And I went, what the fuck are you saying to me? And he was like, can you stop fucking around and go and get a fucking bear? And I was like, what? And he goes, a bear!

And I went, how? Like I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying. One of the other Kiwis goes, he means beer. But there was just this whole, and I was like, I don't know what you're, like I actually. Was this Jag who was saying it to you? Yeah. I'm like, you're saying the same thing a lot of times.

Jag, one day you're going to be in the wrong place and order a bear. Yeah. Oh, and you're not going to be happy. And a barman just gets this 300 pound fucking monster and goes, there you are. And I hope that that bear can play piano. There's this video doing the rounds at the moment. And I think it's a very successful entrepreneur from South Africa or New Zealand.

And he said, oh, any advice for young entrepreneurs wanting to, you know, build the businesses and wealth that you have? Yeah. And he goes, he goes, well, you know, it's, it's all about using your time wisely. And I would say spend less time with the kids. If you really want to do something with your life. Oh. And that's what the host goes, what? Okay.

I was like, I bet some people think that. I don't know if you'd say it on TV. Get your fucking ass out of my work. Less time with the kids. Yeah, right. And so he goes, you sure about that? And he's like, your own children. He goes fucking ass out of my work. Less time with the kids. Yeah, right. And so he goes, you sure about that? He's like, your own children. He goes, no, no, no.

Dickheads. Oh, dickheads. Less time with dickheads. Dickheads and the beer. Yeah, exactly right. Fuck. It gets you every time. I was going to say.

You've got to hit that hotel bell. That's for sure. And you're going to love to see it, Tony, or you'll love to see it preparing for today's episode. No. Well, a bit of that, but I love to see it, and I'm actually not fucking you. Oh, that's a shame.

It's from someone called Shelly Bell. Shelly Bell. You're kidding me. I'm actually not fucking. I just. Anyway, Shelly Bell says. Shelly Bell. Just found out today that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first child later this year.

Lovely. I'm so excited to become an auntie to a human. I'm already a dog auntie. Can't wait to spoil. Dog auntie to a human. I'm already a dog auntie. Can't wait to spoil. Dog auntie is a stretch. Can't wait to spoil. No, she's respecting the fact that I've got a fur baby, I guess. Can't wait to spoil my future niece or nephew from afar.

I guess they don't live close to each other. But that's really exciting. It sounds like the vibe that I get from that comment is that they've been trying for a really long time. And I know how exciting it is when people that have been trying to conceive for a while, like finally on their way to becoming parents. It's just really, really fucking exciting. And being an auntie is the best. But don't spend too much time with the kids. Keep that in mind.

Now, congratulations, guys. That's awesome. Being an auntie and uncle is like. It's the best. It's pretty funny. It's so fun. Tapa Gina has worked in hospitality and retail her whole life. What?

No, I met someone called Gina once and I said, hi, Gina. Every time I think about someone called Gina, I just... G-I-N-A. I think about how much I wanted to swallow up and die that day. So up until now, hospitality and retail her whole life, and she thought, I want to get a, in bird commas, adult job, grow up. Oh, yep.

So I started a job with the government, which has made me so nervous I wanted to throw up. Classic. So I listened to Tony and Ryan on the way to work, and I took my Tony and Ryan Frank Green water bottle for support. Oh, yep. Halfway through the day, you know, we're doing induction and all the, you know, safety stuff and introduced to everyone. It's like such a pain in the ass doing that.

Yeah. The girl sitting next to me is also starting her first day, so we're both nervous together. And she goes, oh, how awesome that you brought your Tony and Ryan drink bottle. Oh! Two tarpers just happened to be sitting next to each other in training class. The ultimate coincidence chat. The ultimate coincidence chat.

But she was like, oh, on a day where I didn't know anyone or didn't know anything and felt nervous, I had some comfort. We did that for you. Yeah. Yeah. We actually organised that in advance. That's amazing. Yeah.

So Gina, who's up in Darwin. Oh, my sister used to live in Darwin. Not anymore. But she did used to. Anyway. You love to say that, Gina. Good on you. Oh, good on you, Gina.

Yeah. We're back tomorrow. What's on tomorrow's show? Big day for boy crushes tomorrow. Fuck, tomorrow's a huge day. Not only is it Valentine's Day. Tony, what are you doing tomorrow night? I'm going to Blink 182.

Did you thank Charles for getting those tickets? I have thanked him many times. Great. Yep. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and we've got to chatink-182. Did you thank Charles for getting those tickets? I have thanked him many times. Great. Yep. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and we've got to chat about boy crashes. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Blink-182 takes me back. It should. It should take you right back. I've got a lot of questions, but I'll ask about Blink-182 tomorrow. All right. You're going to have a huge day tomorrow.

I know. I'm going to be knackered. And then Taylor Swift this weekend? Yes. Fuck, dude. I know. I'm going to be knackered. And then Taylor Swift this weekend? Yes. Fuck, dude. I know. I'm fun. You are fun.

Yeah. If you get there. Yeah. No, definitely. I'm definitely going. Yeah. Okay, great. We'll chat to you tomorrow.

Love you. Bye.