Toni and Ryan - Deli Prankz

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

Confessions and a clearway. Love ya!Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. We are calling Melbourne. Oh. And this is CJ. Hi, CJ from Melbourne. They haven't answered yet. They haven't. Sorry.

So the thing with phone calls is. Got to do it first. You dial the number, then yeah. Hi, CJ. Hello. CJ. G'day. Oh, hi, CJ.

How are you? It's Tony and Ryan. How you doing? We're doing really good. We're good. What are you up to, CJ? Where have we caught you? Sorry, I'm in the fridge.

I'm getting out. I'm getting out. Are you the guy that turns the light on and off? CJ, will you approve our Tony and Ryan podcast? Yeah, of course. Of course. Woo-hoo. Legend.

Hey, it's CJ from Melbourne, and I approve this podcast. All right, I've got a question for you, Tony, that will probably – I feel like other people will relate to this. Theatre kids. Do you, were you like now that you look back at your high school years like in that category? Yes. Yeah. And what do you think like the external stereotype is

and is it accurate? I'd say that everyone's like thinks that you're really dorky and just like whatever. And because it was the same, I was in the band as well and in the choir and all of that. So it was just like, oh, how dorky. And it really sucked because it was like, oh, the cool kids were good at sport and it wasn't cool to do the drama stuff or whatever.

But it's real upsetting because I used to have to go and like look dumb in front of the sports kids but sports kids never had to like look dumb in front of me. It's a real gripe of Tony's. It is. Like they never had to sing in front of everybody or like go and try and like do something or dance or whatever but I used to have to go and do the thing that they were good at and I find that like really unfair.

That is bullshit. You know what I mean? Yep. Like so I spent the whole time being like, oh, well, so it's like really embarrassing that I'm good at and i find that like really unfair that is bullshit you know what i mean yep like so i spent the whole time being like oh well so it's like really embarrassing that i'm good at this other thing jokes on them fucking look at me now yeah are they all athletes nah and you're still a theater kid at heart yes what is um what's the like a saturday night of a theater kid like if the because i kind of have this this vision of all these like theatre kids like hanging out at someone's house and all watching like High School Musical

and just like geeking out and being like – you know what I mean? I mean that's probably – I think we just like all hung out with each other the same way anybody else would. And dream of one day being a princess. Princess? Or like playing the role of a princess in whatever. Sure. Do theatre kids all want to be actors and actresses or are they just like into it?

Well, I guess like the hope is that you, I guess it's the same like when you play sport, you hope that one day you'd be like an athlete, right? Or like professional athlete. Possibly, yeah. Or like coaching or being a PE teacher or something. Like I guess you hope that you end up in that direction. Like I have like a group of friends and we would like go and watch plays and stuff.

Yeah, okay. I'll tell you one thing that fucked me off is when I was playing a lot of sport and then you have like your career counselling or you're like, oh, you play a lot of sport. You should be a PE teacher. I'm like, no. That's not what I, yeah. I like playing volleyball.

I don't want to have some pesky want to teach someone else to do it. Yeah, fuck that. Or they go, oh, well, you know, like you really should concentrate because are you going to make it as a professional athlete? And you go, well, who fucking knows? Like you're not giving me much confidence though. Yeah, thanks for that pep talk, bro. It was the same when I was like I want to study music

and they're like, well, you're probably not going to be like a famous musician. Yeah, thanks. And I was like, oh, okay. Should we just stop now then? Yeah, luckily you didn't say that to fucking Beethoven, bitch. I've got a confession. Yeah. Yeah, where's he now?

The dog though. Like the dog. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Famous actor. Yeah, he's done real well. He's the lead in a new Hollywood film. Yeah, you won't believe what they've called it. I've got a confession from a theatre kid.

Oh, good. Yeah. Submit your confessions to TonyandRyan.com.au. And I sort of skipped over this part, but theatre kids are also a bit tapped, yeah? But they're pretty wild. Like on band camp, when we used to go on band camp, it would be pretty loose. Yeah. Not many people are getting

fingered at yeah yeah yeah in my last year of high school i was cast as an understudy in a school music production and i was extremely angry and jealous because i thought i deserved the part yeah fair the guy who got the part always used to leave his drink bottle unattended backstage so one night before a performance i crushed up some laxatives and put them in the the part always used to leave his drink bottle unattended backstage. So one night before a performance, I crushed up some laxatives and put them in the bottle. That's fucked. I wanted to ensure that I would be the one performing, so I put a lot and the results were quick and thorough. That's really fucked.

You can really hurt people doing that. The confessor says, I'll leave out the details so it's not too graphic and I don't out myself, but the result was so severe that this kid ended up with a nickname that stuck for years. Was there someone at your school called Poops McGavin? No, and what a shit nickname. I got my chance to shine. Oh, you shouldn't have.

That's so nasty. And I was great. Probably better than him. And until now, I've never told a single soul. I would have kept it that way. That's so horrible. That other kid didn't do anything wrong. He was better than you.

Maybe you should be better at auditions, bro. Yeah. If you're as good as auditions as you were as drugging people, maybe you would have got the role. You poisoned someone. That's so fucked. Did I tell you about my friend that made a play based entirely on puns? No.

Yeah, it's a play on words Do you have another confession? Yeah it's supermarket deli girl confessions Great Because it's like a A play On words Yeah I got it like a play on words. Yeah. I got it.

Because like the words, that's what the play's on. Yeah. Can you confirm that you did not send a confession about Dally Girl stuff? I haven't sent any confessions, I promise. When I was bored working at the supermarket dally, I would take the small gloves out of the box and put them into the large gloves container.

Nothing is funnier than when someone's trying to serve a customer and be quick and speedy and efficient, and they're just there trying to squeeze their big hands into a small glove. The longer it went on, the more fucked off they got. But the more I'd be pissing myself in the corner being like, oh, I was struggling with the gloves. Oh, that's a shame.

See, that's a nice prank. No one's getting hurt. Well, they're getting embarrassed and fucked up. The customer's getting their food slower. Yeah's true yeah oh my god and you would just be so like you would just get so angry so fast because you'd just be like why is this not working yeah and um and when i think i said yesterday like hiding in plain sight like there's not many pranks that you can get away with and be standing right next to them yeah what's going on are you okay and they wouldn't know they don't say small on them they're just like plastic gloves yeah they don't they're like it's just the box that has an s on it or

something and then you just swap the thing so now anytime i so this got submitted like a week ago yeah every time i go to the deli and i see someone just like putting the gloves on, I go like a, yeah. And like because, you know, when you put your hand into one of those like plastic gloves and like it's quite thin and like if it doesn't fit or you get your kind of like finger in the wrong way or whatever, it just goes straight through. Straight through, yeah. Like so all these people are probably like, have I put on weight? Like what have I done wrong?

Are my fingers chubbing up? Yeah, like, what's gone wrong here? Have I put on weight? Imagine, like, he's put on weight. Oh, what? With guys usually in the neck or the stomach go, nah, check out his hands. His hands. They fit into a glove.

Not even a small glove. Yeah. A large glove didn't fit. Brutal. Hey, it's CJ from Melbourne. Wait, what? And you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Oh, yeah, no shit.

Yeah, right. Hey, it's CJ from Melbourne, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapions over at our Patreon. All the links are in our bio, in our show notes, all of that. You can find it wherever you want. It's on the website. It's on the internet. So you can just find anything.

How good is it? Literally, you don't even need to click the link. You could just like tony and ryan patreon and you'll figure it out you'll figure it out like so isn't it so funny do you know like how much makes me laugh when you hear an ad or see an ad and it has like the phone number on it and i'm like bro everyone's just gonna google like tyler in my area like you're not going to go, oh, 0490. Like what are you fucking writing down a phone number that you've heard on TV? Even when they say, if someone ever says the words www. Don't.

www.don't. Shut the fuck up. .com. Cockhead. Or dog pile. Do you remember that one? Did you ever? Yes, that was a big thing in my school. It was like, oh, dog pile. And ithead. Or dog pile. Do you remember that one? Did you ever? Yes.

That was a big thing in my school. It was like, oh, dog pile it. And it was just like this pile of poo on the internet that you Googled. Does that still exist? I have no idea. Let's find out. Google it. Thanks for loving it.

That was great. Dogpile.com. And it was like a search engine. It still is. Yeah. There you go. Favorites. Oh, no, they're not called searches.

They're called fetches. Oh, that's cute. Favourite fetches include iPhone 15 Pro Max. Oh, so people are still using it. Magnesium, glutonide, where to buy gold online, and what are cheapest airlines? Oh, my God. No poo, though.

Oh, is there not the pile of poo anymore? No, but he's got a ball and there's a dog house and it does say fetches. You can search the web, images, videos or news. Leslie Tsimanatos, thank you very much, Les, love ya. Steve Donald. Oh, McDonald, it's an ad. Jackie, Megan Smith and Matthew Hatton-Poole. Yeah, you've got to wear a hat in the pool.

Don't want to get burnt. It's crispy in the sun. Yeah. Is it an old wives' tale that you get more sunburn in the pool? I don't know, but I remember always being told that because, oh, the water reflects back up at you so you get more burnt. I don't know if that's true. Dog pilot.

I've actually just dog pilot Tony and Ryan. Oh. Because you know how people work on their SEO for like Google rankings? Sure. Have we been working on our SEO for dogpile? I have personally been, yes. I actually know you have because I've searched Tony and Ryan and it goes, do you mean Tony's book?

Oh. You're at the top of the list. Oh, my God. We need to do some work there. Yeah. All right, I'll dogpile it. Do you mean Tony and Ryan? No, I mean Tony Lodge. Do you get more sunburned in the pool?

Go fetch. That's cute. The answer, the real reason why you get more sunburn at the beach. The real truth is why you definitely get more sunburn in the lake and pool because you're wearing less clothing because you swim undressed. Oh, so it's not actually science. It's like practicality. So, yeah, you get more burnt because you're more skin.

Yeah. But that's nothing to do with water at all. So that's not really the same thing. You may get sunburned in the pool because UV rays can prevent water and re- Dogpile needs to lift. Well, that's not Dogpile's fault. That's just whatever website you clicked on. That's true.

Yeah. I don't think that dog- But it needs to find me better stuff. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, it's because all the good websites are spending time on the SEO on Google. Anyway.

Google's got the answer. Oh, no. I bet it does. Go on. The sun does reflect off the ocean or lake or swimming pool, and its rays are intensified as they reach your skin, making you more susceptible to sunburn. So hang on.

But if it reflects off the water, so you're not getting burned through the water, so your face at the top of the pool is getting burned, but your body underneath the water is not. But so what I said was right, that it does reflect back onto your face or whatever. Yay. Oh, my God. That's the first time that my mum hasn't lied to me in my whole life.

Like, she said that to me as a kid, and I just assumed it was fucking false. And dog pile approved. So you didn't believe her on that, but you believed her on the other stuff. Well, because I just started to catch on. I was like, well, mum. There's a trend here. Yeah, like, come on. Anyway, hat in the pool.

Great. I was like, how the fuck do we start talking about this? We've talked about clearways before on this podcast. Because I'm not a parking guy. You're not a parking guy. Yeah, very stressed about parking. Not sure if other countries have them, but it's bringing you up to speed. Often you can.

Speed in the car. Did I tell you that I watched Speed with Keanu Reeves the other day? You did. And then we were talking about what the sequels would be. Well, there was the boat one. And then I said, imagine if I did one on my scooter. If you get below 50 kilometers per hour on your scooter, the scooter will explode.

I would look so fucking stupid. You would. You actually would. How was speed? I wish it was faster, to be honest. I wish the movie was like... It's like two movies in one because they do the elevator and then they do the bus.

Spoilers. And then you're like, oh, cool, that's going to be the end. And then it still isn't the end. Like, another thing happens. Oh, like when James Corden rocks up in Ocean's 8. Yeah, and you think the movie's over. End this shit already. You think the movie's over and then you're like, oh,

there's still, like, another thing that's brewing. It was a bit like that. Okay. Yeah. But, I mean, it's good to watch the classics, isn't it? Is that a classic? Yeah, I reckon Speed would be a classic. Is it the Matrix guy or the other guy?

John Cusack or Keanu Reeves? It's Keanu Reeves. Because apparently they're different people. And Greg Daniels is in it as well. Ooh. Yeah. Yes, he is. Who's that?

What? Yeah, I just nodded. I don't know. Sounds like a Channel 7 reporter. Yeah. Greg Daniels, he is. Who's that? What? Yeah, I just nodded. I don't know who that is. Sounds like a Channel 7 reporter. Yeah. Greg Daniels, 7 News. I think he's in like Dumb and Dumber. He's in the...

Who am I? Jeff Daniels? Am I? Yeah. Greg Daniels is a writer. Greg Daniels is a writer. How embarrassing. Jeff Daniels, yes. Jeff Daniels. Sorry.. Did Craig Daniels is a writer. How embarrassing. Jeff Daniels, yes.

Jeff Daniels. Sorry. Oh, I'm embarrassed. Clear ways. Something really weird just happened in my Google. Have you been dogpiled? Did it fetch something? Well, I don't know if Google was listening

and it's heard that we've been like unfaithful. But when I typed in the text box, it didn't enter. It, like, made a new line. Oh. Like, it did. Yeah. Explain. What's that explain?

How can I explain it differently? Yeah, no, it's heard that you've dogpiled and now it's like, well, I'm going to fuck with this bitch. So I typed Greg Daniels and then I hit enter and it created a new line instead of hitting search. I didn't think you could do that in Google. Well, you shouldn't be able to. Otherwise, how would you search?

How do you ever enter? Yeah. Oh, it's not doing it now. Wow. Maybe you did shift to enter. I didn't. Please don't blame me for Google's shortcomings. I will be moving to Dogpile from now on.

In Clearways, just to bring people up to speed. I just watched Clearways. Just to bring people up to, just to teach people what Clearway is. Oh, I've watched Clearways. I watched Teach the other day. Usually you can park on the side of the road, but during peak hour you can't park there, which allows an extra lane of traffic to get in and out.

Usually it's between like 7 a.m. and 10 a.m. if the road's like facing towards the city. Yeah. And then the other side of the road. From 4 to 7 on the way home. Yeah. So I was driving down Bridge Road towards the city. Yeah.

On the way to work the other day. And it was a clearway until 10 a.m. Yep. And it was 9.58. Yep. So it was still a clear way. But just. For two more minutes.

Yep. Now here's the thing. I wanted to stop at the IGA to get some supplies for lunch and stuff on my way into work. Uh-huh. And usually you just park right at the front, the one up here on Bridge Road. Oh, yeah.

But I couldn't park until 10 o'clock and it was 9.58 and I reckon I was about 500 metres back down the road. So I thought how slow can I drive to like soak up these two minutes? Or is there maybe a bit of traffic so you get stuck behind? Both lanes were pretty busy. Yeah, yep. And I was like, yeah, can I like milk two minutes out of this so I don't like pull up early?

But here's the thing. Starting, like have you ever been the first person to a nightclub? Oh, yeah. Or to a party or. And it's just really strange. Like you walk into the nightclub and you're like, well, let's get this party started. Oh, there's literally's literally no one there yes and then you kind of feel dumb but you feel silly and then a few people kind of feel a bit more normal and because i think it's like this same

when you're the first person to get anywhere and you go fuck is it the right time is it definitely 10 yeah is it like and you're kind of like looking around and you're like oh no one else is parked here so does that mean it's not a spot? Have I like misread this whole thing? Yeah, what's going on? Yeah, because there's no way that I'd be able to get a spot at 10 a.m. on Bridge Road. I must have fucked something up. Have I read the sign, right?

Yes. So. I've told you that I normally snap a picture of this after I've parked. I'll snap a picture of the sign and I'll send it to my boyfriend, Torbs, and be like, this is all good, eh? And he'll go, are you parked on the left or the right of the arrow? And I'll go, oh, the left? And he'll go, are you parked on the left or the right of the arrow? And I'll go, oh, the left.

And he'll go, yep, sweet. Just because there's always so much information on the signs, it's like so overwhelming that you just sometimes need a second opinion. Yep. Just like a vibe check of like, I'm reading this correctly, aren't I? And he's like, yes. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite milk the two minutes. Got a green light at the Bridge Hotel,

and I'm getting sort of there at about 9.59. I reckon that's like... That's what I thought. But both lanes are packed, and so... So you can't just stop? Well, that's the decision I'm faced with. Yeah. Like being, like, first person in a nightclub, first person to park after the clearway.

Like, it's like I've just decided that everyone behind me in my lane. No, this is parking now. Yeah. Yeah. And so I stopped at the front and it was like. Did you just, like, pop your indicator on or something? I just stopped. Because you're already in the lane.

There's nowhere further left to go. No, no, no, but I would have popped my indicator on just to be like, yep, I'm like. No, I just stopped. Because you're already in the... There's nowhere further left to go. No, no, no, but I would have popped my indicator on just to be like, yep, I'm like... No, I just stopped. Did the person behind you just like drive into you? No, but they kind of got stuck. They got stuck behind me and then had to indicate to like get around. To get back over.

And then I got there at 9.59 and I'm like, I'm just going to stay in the car till 10. Oh, you have to. Yeah, you can't just then get out of the car. So then there's a whole. That's when they get you. Yeah, there's a whole queue of people behind me. You know when someone's turning right and everyone has to move across?

Oh, yeah. So I was that guy. But I'm like, but it's like. It's a car park now. This is what this is now. Yeah. In a minute. In about 30 seconds.

30 seconds, yeah. So I'm waiting there sweating, like just waiting. Because I feel like most people have iPhones, so there's no like, oh, my clock says this, oh, your clock's a bit slow. It's like, no, no, no, we're all on the same time. Oh, I totally agree. There is the, oh, my watch is five minutes fast. Oh, how stupid.

No, no, no, no. A minute's a long time when you're just sitting there as well. It felt like five hours. An eternity of being like. And do you reckon every person that indicated to go around me had a look? And when I say look, I mean stare. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, it was fucked.

Yeah. So then I wait for it to like tick over 10 o'clock. Yeah. And then worse is getting out because they can all see you. Yeah. And because it's like, you know, when you like fuck something up in traffic or you kind of like cut someone off a bit because you don't see them or whatever.

And you know that you fucked up. Oh, yeah. And you know you're the person that's like, you know, caused a bit of a ruckus or whatever. What do you do in that situation? Well, you know then when you kind of like pull up to the lights and you know that everyone's going to go. Lean across and go, this fucking guy.

So what do you do? I just go. Look the other way. I just like, oh, I like lock on with the front of the thing and I'm like, go green, go green, go green, go green. I know if I look to the side, I'm going to see you staring at me. Yes. So I'm just going to keep looking ahead and pretend

that I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. And you know why I know that they're looking at me? Because that's what I do. Because when someone fucks something up, then I pull up to the lights and I go, ah. And then I look at them and they're going, whoo, straight ahead, dead end. They're like, I fucked that girl off.

There's no way I'm doing anything else. Yeah, so it's bad enough sitting in the car, but getting out of the car was excruciating. It's as if you're being like, yep, I'm the asshole that that got everyone who's been lining up yeah lay it on me dog go around my volkswagen golf yeah get around it so i get out of the car and i'm so embarrassed like when i was like thinking about the time and do i wait i hadn't hadn't occurred to me that i would have to like get out of the car and literally face the music i was was, you know, just I didn't really think of it. And then I got out of the car and I was like,

this is one of the most shameful moments of my life. Wouldn't it have been good if someone parked behind you? Yeah. Yeah. So there was a bit of solidarity. So someone else rocks up at the nightclub and it's fine now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm still the host.

Because you go, oh, it was 10 o'clock. That was your, yeah. So then I kind of wanted to, like, tell everyone. Because in their mind, I'm just a guy who just stopped. They don't know. So that's exactly what I did. I got out and I pointed to my watch that I'm not wearing.

I just pointed to my wrist and then pointed to the sign and pointed to my thing. That's so much worse. Is it? Yeah, because now instead you've gotten out of the car and you've gone, 10 o'clock. Yeah. That's so embarrassing. Is it? Yeah, because now instead you've gotten out of the car. You've gotten out of the car and you've gone, 10 o'clock. Yeah. That's so embarrassing. Is it?

Yes. Oh, I thought I was saving the day. Oh, no. Because they would have gone, who's this? Oh, time, 10 o'clock. Oh, of course. I don't think they did. I think they went, stupid fucking dickhead.

It was me. It was you. It was you. It was you. Yeah, no, it's hard to get yourself out of that sticky situation, I reckon. Yeah. Shame. Not good.

I've got a You Love To See It here from Bridget CL from our Facebook group. Bridget says, You Love To See It. After fighting through undergrad, taking a gap year, getting hit by Hurricane Ian, suffering a traumatic brain injury, taking the GRE with a concussion, and struggling to overcome the past 10 months. What a fucking rollercoaster. First of all, Bridget, let's give you a fucking round of applause for getting through all of that.

Bridget started her Masters in Occupational Therapy today. Fucking hell. So has gone through all of that shit and is now starting their Masters. To be Occupational Therap occupational therapist to help other people. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? That's crazy. But you love to see that.

We've all, all three of us in this room, but you and I, we like went to uni. That slog is hard enough without like added other shit going on. Absolutely. So fucking power to you. Amazing. Good job. Tapa Josh says in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. Oh, Tapa Josh says in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. Oh, Tapa Josh.

I think I mentioned this in Patreon or something. A personalized video. Yes, we are still recording those. Tapa Josh says, I have been pole dancing for fitness and meeting friends. And in this last year, I've entered my first competition. That's amazing. It's so good for you, pole dancing. It's so good.

Oh, my God. The quads and the legs. Well, just your core would have to be insane because you're holding your body up. So he did his first competition and finished first in his category. Wow. Get around that. That's amazing. Oh, my God.

Tap it, Josh. Good job. I don't think people who haven't pole danced understand how fucking hard it is. It's really hard. I once tried to perform for a women's night at a local football club. Of course you did. And they're like, oh, this will be funny. Yeah.

It's not funny. It's hard. It's really fucking hard. I've done it once. Yeah. Like went and did a class with a girlfriend. Yeah. And literally all the inside of my thighs was black with bruises. Yeah. It's fucked. fucking hard i've done it once um like went and did a class with a girlfriend yeah and literally

all the inside of my thighs was black with bruises yeah like it like destroys you but it was like it's really fun it makes you hot yeah um do it in like a kind of a darkened room um the one that i went to was actually shout out to pole divas in bumbury, shout out. Yeah. And that was more of like a fitness one. So it's like not really. Like an aerobics room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like in a gym how they've got like the group fitness class. That was kind of more what it was like.

But I think that the senior girls, I think that they got like a, you know, turn the lights down a little bit and stuff. But nah, for us it was very clinical. It was very like, all right, here's where your hand goes. Don't do that. Yeah, I think I like the dark room. Even they do it now in like – Like spin classes.

Yeah, because you feel sweaty and gross and you're like, well, people can't see. And it's like you're hidden. You can get in the zone a bit more. Yeah, absolutely. Congratulations, Tapa Josh. Oh, and Tapa Bridget. That's awesome.

Josh and Bridget. Oh, fuck. Bring the house down's awesome Josh and Bridget Oh, fuck Bring the house down Bring the house down Well, thank you for listening We'll be back tomorrow Yeah Shout out to Theatre Kids

Shout out to Theatre Kids Love you, bye