Toni and Ryan - DIY Toni Returns

Episode Date: September 10, 2024

I'm so sorry but we have to revisit the fucking curtains. Love u! xoxCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. We are calling Taylan in Essex, which is... Oh, Allah! Oh, the only way is Essex. In Ontario, Canada. Here we go. Fuck me. I'm over 5,000 on the approvers, just in general, I feel. Hello. Taylan! Taylan!

Hi! Hello. Taylan! Oh, what? Hi. Have we fucked that up? Did I say your name wrong? No, you said it right. Oh, thank God. Thank God. Sorry, I thought you were like, oh, that's not really right.

What time is it at the moment in Canada? Probably 6.30 at night. Oh, 6.30? No, that's fine. In Canada, though, it's probably a few. In Taylan's time zone. Yeah, I'm just. Geography chat from Lodge this morning. At 6.30 at night. Oh, 6.30. No, that's fine. In Canada, though, there's probably a few. In the Taylor's time zone. Yeah, I'm just. Geography chat from Lodge this morning.

Thank you. Yeah. Now, apparently you've just finished your first year working as a high school teacher. I think being a high school teacher would be a terrible job because kids are terrifying. It definitely has its challenges. I'm not going to lie to you. That was so diplomatic, Talyn. Yeah.

And I respect you so much. What subject do you have as like your area of expertise? What do you teach? Yeah. So, um, I have a major in visual arts and then I have English as a second teachable. Wow. That's a bit of me. Yeah.

I feel like visual arts, because people kind of just like can enjoy that. I feel like if you're a maths teacher and then kids hate math that's when they get bored and they get fucking nasty yeah yeah no exactly it's honestly amazing like seeing all the kids like succeed and loving art is just so like awesome i'm actually gonna have to stop me right there taylor because it's too early in the morning for tony to cry yeah so I'm actually going to have to stop you right there, Taylor, because it's too early in the morning for Tony to cry. Yeah. So I'm actually just going to have to ask you to pull it right up. It's an emotional morning.

That's beautiful, though. I love that you love your job. I love my job, too. Yeah, because I've started working at Coles all weekend. And it's so good just to get away. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Well, yours is the same because you make everybody else happy, too. That is what I was fishing for.

It's the same. Caught one. Gotcha. Taylin, will you approve today's podcast? Of course I will. Excellent. Thank you. Hey, it's Taylin from Ontario and I approve this podcast.

Yeah. podcast. All right. On Monday's episode, we promised ourselves we'd check in with Tony to see how she's going with the DIY curtains or if she's got bored and bought a hovercraft or fucking something instead. It's really taken a turn. Oh. It's really taken a turn.

But it already had taken a turn. Yep. More turns have been taken. Well, I thought that the biggest drama was going to be the one that had already happened. Okay. Say no more. And it's not.

Okay. So I owe you a fucking murder more. And it's not. Okay. So I owe you a fucking murder mystery game because it's not a year long to see it at all. You hate to see it. You hate to see that. All right, that's coming up soon. Settle in, I guess. Last week on the show,

Tony's show demonstrated that she did not know what a Chuck Norris joke was. No, I think... And then you said some random other joke. No, I said the thing about like that old internet joke and it was like if your mum doesn't have a beard, if your dad doesn't have a beard, you've got two mums or whatever and I thought that was a Chuck Norris thing. That was just something that went around.

I did see some comments in support of knowing what I had seen and what I was talking about, which did make me feel a bit better, but it wasn't a Chuck Norris joke. In the Tony and Ryan Facebook group, I said, Tony doesn't know what a Chuck Norris joke is. Can you please send some through? So we're not, this isn't going to go for long. So like, thank God, but this is just to bring us up to speed and we'll move on. Okay. But the year is 2006 and these are Chuck Norris jokes. So what's that, 20, 18 years ago? Jokes born then can now drink.

That's hilarious. That's hilarious. But like. Can they? No. Yes. They can in Australia. Oh, my God.

Way to age ourselves. Isn't that what? That's actually sickening. Yeah. That's in Australia. Oh, my God. Way to age ourselves. Isn't that what? That's actually sickening. Yeah. That's not nice. Anyway. Jess. Hi, Jess.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, he doesn't get wet. Instead, the water gets Chuck Norris'd. And then Travis replied and said, hashtag Chuck Norris for life. And then Travis replied and said, hashtag Chuck Norris for life. Lisa, when Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mum home from the hospital. Like, I just hate it. Because he's so tough. I hate it so much. He's such a man.

He's just such a man. It's just like so that time on the internet, isn't it? Like. Yeah, it is. The best time, 2006, baby. We didn't really know how to use it yet. It was wasted on us. Brittany. Chuck

Norris was bitten by a rattlesnake. After three agonising days, the snake finally died. That's fucking good gear. My eye roll is not big enough to warrant. Nicole. The giraffe was created when Chuck Norris in good gear. My eye roll is not big enough to warrant. Nicole, the giraffe was created when Chuck Norris

half-a-cutted a horse. There's a horse. Sophie, do not encourage this. Encourage him, Sophie. An half-a-cut and a horse and it's a giraffe. Now I love to have fun. No, it doesn't sound like it. Heather, send this through.

When Alexander Graham Ball invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris. That's funny. I like that one. I do like that. Danielle, Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves. I hate it. I hate it so much.

Death was once scared to Chuck Norris. Like scared to death. That's a funny one. That's a thinker. I thought you just fucked up saying it, to be honest. You know how back in the day you were saying, like, we didn't know how to use the internet yet? Yeah.

Do you remember? Why have we talked about MySpace and HTML so much in the last few weeks? I think we were just talking about coding at some point and I was like, how crazy that we all became like little hacker girls because we. So you know how you can like really customize your MySpace page back in the day? Yeah. So Facebook, when it started, flirted with this concept. Oh.

In 2006, I had a- Like so you could put a widget on your own Facebook page. A widget. So when you went to Ryan's Facebook page, there was a little thing and it was like the daily Chuck Norris joke was on the page. So you knew how the tabs, it was like photos, wall. And it was like, tell us about yourself. Remember you had that little white box on Facebook?

Check-ins and it was like daily Chuck Norris joke generator on my, like built in. Like you decided for that to happen. I built it in. Yeah. And it was a thing you could do. Because you could go to the website and it was like MySpace layouts. But this was Facebook.

But you could go and they would have the things coded up and you would have to put it in or change the colour or whatever. Speaking of back in the internet and the Chuck Norris and the things. Yeah. I've got some pretty dramatic Facebook news. Oh, my God. Is it that we all have to share that thing that your grandma shared so that they don't own our photos? and the things. Yeah. I've got some pretty dramatic Facebook news. Oh, my God. Is it that we all have to share that thing that your grandma shared so that they don't own our photos?

Yeah. And I hereby proclaim that this is my property. Get away, Facebook. Hands off. Don't have my photos as I'm just uploading them. Hands off the 30 selfies that all look the same but a slightly different angle. A Facebook wall isn't called a Facebook wall anymore

and apparently it hasn't been called a Facebook wall for 10 years. I don't think that's true. 10 years ago, 2014. Thanks to Shan who ironically told us about this in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. Apparently it's now a timeline. I don't like that. It sounds a bit Jesus-y.

It sounds a bit churchy to me. A timeline. Yeah. Whereas like a wall, it's like your wall. Do you remember writing on someone's wall how it was like, hey, can I pick you up at like, but that's what you used to do. Pick you up at 2pm. Should I do that to you now?

And I bet no one will go and have a look and fucking troll us to death. On our personal ones or on our work ones? Because we've both got pages, but we both also have private profiles. Can I page write on your page? I don't think so. Oh, we'll have to be personal then. I've got about a hundred tapas on my personal one anyway. So you're still going to get roasted.. Can I page right on your page? I don't think so. Oh, we'll have to be personal then. I've got about 100 tapas on my personal one anyway, so you're still going to get roasted.

You're going to write on my wall? And that's how you would wish people happy birthday? Yeah. Like you'd write on their wall? People still do that. Yeah, right. Here's something that's crazy. Blow my mind.

When did we stop checking in on Facebook? And second of all, why did we start start because isn't that just fucking pretty weird it is weird oh we just gotta get a check in and you would like tag everyone that you were with but like I guess we at eve nightclub

there's definitely a few of those on my fucking profile I bet and you remember then the club would post the photos on the Monday morning? On the Monday morning they'd go like, Friday night, Saturday night, whatever, and you would scroll through and try and find the one that the club photographer put of you and your friend. Like, that's going to be my new profile picture and you'd just look sweaty and your makeup would be fucked and like, oh, memories.

Now the ultimate OJ Facebook memory for me. Yeah. I think it was not even that, not 10 years ago maybe. Oh, maybe it was 10 years ago. When Spotify, you could log in with Facebook. You know how it's like log in with Gmail, log in with Facebook. Oh, sure. And so it was just easy to click Facebook and go through.

But when you played a song, like it had this default setting. That it would share the songs that you'd played. Oh, well, that's horrifying. No thanks. Yeah. So then it would always be like, oh. Ryan is listening to. Nickelback.

And then everyone's like, ah. And you're like, how did you know? And then it was like, everyone's trying to delete all this shit. Oh, my God. Oh, that would kill me. Tony has subscribed to long girl runs. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, like get you up in the morning or like salute to the sun

or whatever. You're like some crazy playlist. You sound like a fun guy. Yeah. How was your salute this morning? You know, like so embarrassing. Do you remember, this is Facebook law, joining groups and like liking pages and it was like become a fan

if you have an awesome friend named Tony. What? Do you remember those and you would like become a fan of a page? I think. And then that meme went viral and it was like like to become a fan and then it would be a girl sitting at a computer and then the next frame of the meme was a huge oscillating fan sitting at a computer.

So she'd like it to become a fan. Even the Chuck Norris stuff sucks. You gotta figure you gotta get your comedy rankings sorted. Become a fan. That's funny. Can we do that on your page? What? It's just like

become a fan of this. well that's what the pages were called it was like oh and the title of the beige and it was like like this and you would make pages and hope that they like went viral because they were like a really relatable phrase or something i have a really embarrassing page that i'm an admin of and i will give you 10 million dollars if you can guess what it is because it's that obscure you have three guesses oh no there's no way i'm gonna guess um become a fan if volleyball is awesome no become a fan if volleyball is wicked no it's not volleyball related or become a fan of it was it was more of a oh remember a campaign it was a campaign campaign oh um Oh, like to have every Friday off work or something. Do you know what I mean?

Like this, if you think we should do a four-day work week. Holly Valance for Eurovision 2013. And hasn't that aged well? I love Holly Valance. Do you still? Know that you want my, ow. Remember that song? Sort of.

Oh. That was Holly Valance, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kiss, kiss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I changed the name of the page to the year for three years in a row. Awesome. Not really.

Why? Because I wanted to see her in the original. See her do it. Yeah. Poor Kate Miller-Heidke. She's probably upset that you weren't a fan of her and that you wanted Oliver Lance instead. Yeah, so that's what I did with My Spare Time in 2013.

Yeah, I was busy making MySpace layouts. So all good, all good, all good. Hey, it's Tamlyn from Ontario and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. You can check everything out. It's all exclusive content over there. Please feel free to come over, have a look around. A few of the people that are already there. Tell us your Chuck Norris jokes.

Share your pages of who you want to be in Eurovision this year. Alicia B, good on you, Alicia. Cinnamon Shlomer, Julie Kissel. Show us your Cinnamon Shlomer. Courtney Nielsen, Jess and John McGowan. Show us your cinnamon shloma shloma? yeah

wow hardly know her and I slammed her shloma things are taking a turn here because things have taken a turn with me at home please bring us up to speed on Monday I mentioned that I was doing a little DIY home improvement project

where we needed some curtains for security. I bought the wrong hooks. I couldn't drill the thing in. I thought I've now got to go to Spotlight and buy some more hooks. How annoying. I've got to like go back out and do that. So you wanted to nail it all in a day. So you're like, I've got momentum.

I don't want to stop. And unfortunately, you had to stop. Yeah, because I was missing like one piece of the puzzle, which is, you you know pretty important because if the curtains can't go up then nothing's up yes it's curtains yeah um thanks for explaining the concept of curtains but like you know like i can appreciate that i know that this is like the whole thing yep um so i on monday after work went and got the curtain hooks and i was like fuck yeah uh torbs had already screwed in the curtain holders um i got the curtain hooks, and I was like, fuck, yeah. Torbs had already screwed in the curtain holders.

I got the curtain hooks. I plugged them all in and was kind of like waiting for Torbs to get home from work so I could like finish up this job. And then I get the curtain rod out of the box and I realise that I have actually mismeasured the windows and I mismeasured because I fucking measured using the iPhone measure things. I'm scared of tight measures. Okay. And I don't, we don't need to talk about it. The iPhone tape measure. We actually do need to talk about it because the iPhone tape measure is not great at the best of

times, but the fact you use it for something that had to be like cut and put like. Specifically. The iPhone measuring thing is for when you're kicking a football with the boys and you go, oh, I reckon that went 40 metres. No, fuck it, didn't get the fucking tape measure. Like if anything's more important than that. Which is everything. Which is most things.

You need to do it properly. And I know you're scared. So I thought I had done it properly. I know you're scared of tape measures. And we're all Which is most things. You need to do it properly. And I know you're scared. I thought I had done it properly. I know you're scared of tape measures. And we're all scared of some things. Tape measures is your, what else are you scared of? Super glue? We don't have time.

But I don't like tape measures. They freak me out when they make that clack sound. I'm always scared that as it reels back in, it's going to cut my fingers. Anyway, I don't like tape measures. So I use the iPhone thing. How far out were you? Half.

What do you mean half? I had enough curtain rod. Yeah. So there's like, yes, it is fucking nice. I'm just going to start with that. There is four panels of glass across the back of my living room. And it's like those big ranch slider doors that slide out into each other. So it's a massive like four thing.

I'd bought enough curtain Rod for two. So was it a calculation error or a measuring error? Because I feel like you can't miss by half. Take that up with iPhone mate because I don't know. Tight that up with Steve Jobs. So I realised that I've mismeasured and I'm so fucking mad.

I'm so fucking mad. No, I can't put up half because then in the middle, where's the other half going to go? Because the bracket thing needs to hold. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So Torbs gets home and I'm like so angry. I'm like, I went and bought the extra like curtain hooks because I was thinking,

are we able to nail this job again today? Nope, because the thing's not right. And then I go, so I went and the spotlight's open till late. So on the Monday, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to go now. I need to write this wrong. Monday night, I go and I buy the correct, Torbz comes with me because it fit in his car. Yep.

We go and we buy the curtain rod. Yesterday, Tuesday, I'm like, I am going to put that up. And we get the new curtain rod, put the rods up. And then as that was happening, one of the curtain rods slipped out of the holder and has put a hole in the wall, which we aren't talking about. Who's not talking about? We aren't talking about at home.

Whose fault was it? It was not my fault. Oh, right. And just like very innocently just slipped out of the thing because it didn't have the end on it yet. And not your fault because of like the world or was it like Torbz? It was Torbz. Okay.

Yeah, because of the world. Because you're blaming it on someone else. No, anyway, so we put the rods up, then they slipped out and then that was the whole thing. How big is the hole in the wall? A perfect circle of the rod and it's just like cut a hole in the wall. But it's bounced off the floorboards and taken a huge chunk out of the floorboard as well those beautiful floorboards don't well sorry sorry

i said those those floorboards that used to be beautiful i go i can't believe you did that to my floor you did no and tools goes our floor fucking right he did. And did you pull yourself up there? I went, if it was our floor, why don't you care about it? Like real emotional damage stuff. That's emotional. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, and so that happened. The mortgage is ours, but the floor is yours?

Yeah, yeah. Let's like, come on, mate. Where's my money gone? I realised that because though i fucked up the measurement of the curtain rods obviously i didn't realize this when i went back to spotlight but along with that means that i have obviously not bought enough curtain of course because i've bought a set yeah that cover this amount and that's what i bought for wish i had have known you were planning this last week.

I would have bought shares in Spotlight. Yeah. Well, the huge sale that I mentioned on Monday, that's over. Yeah. Yeah. So I've paid full price in the other half of all the shit that I had to buy. When they said 50% off, did you just, did they mean the curtain size?

50% off the accuracy of which you've measured with. Yeah, so you ordered four metres. 50% off, here's two for full price. So I've been backwards and forwards to Spotlight about 19 fucking times. Do they see you coming now? And they go, hey, Tone, what else do you need, sweetheart? We've moved the curtain section to the front

so that you can just get in and out as quick as possible. G'day, T, Tone, what else do you need, sweetheart? We've moved the curtain section to the front so that you can just get in and out as quick as possible. G'day, Tones. Hey, guys. I would like to report, though, that after all of this, the curtains are now up. I'm going to show you a little photo of them. Oh, they look great.

It was a long road to get to this point. Where is the hole in the floor? Oh, it's in the wall behind the TV. Like we're lucky it didn't sever a fucking. Behind the TV is like if you had to have a hole in the wall somewhere. It's down in a little corner, yeah. We're lucky it didn't go through a fucking power thing. They look good.

They look great, eh? Yeah. And so they're a bit shorter so that Janine can run along underneath them. Oh, that's by design. Oh, a bit of design editorial from you. Oh, no, I'm just like it wasn't that you measured and they were a bit short. No, well, I wanted them to be higher than Janine

and also then Pippa can still look out into the backyard because she likes that. Yeah, so they're like wearing like little three-quarter pants. Yeah, it's like a capri. Yeah, you want to show a little ankle. Also, though, I hate it when curtains are, like, on the ground. Bunched up. Because they get all bunched up and they don't move.

Whereas these, like, they move in the wind and they're like. No wonder your hair's curly. Things are happening. Yeah. But then obviously we've had terrible wind so the doors have all been shut. Yeah. But I'm really happy with them. I think they look great.

I really like them. But I think what we've all. I think they look great. I really like them. But I think what we've all learnt is just get a guy to come and do it. Probably never try and DIY anything ever again. What have you DIY'd since then? Nothing. What have you thought about DIYing since? I mean, that was yesterday. Yeah, that's what I mean.

Last night you would have gone, oh, maybe. Well, then we look at them. Tobs and I are standing there like, wow, they look great. And I was like, they they do don't they and he was like we should remember this though yeah because then the next time we go we could probably do that ourselves we'll remember remember that time we did the curtains oh it was just because i i was like so proud of myself that i bought all the stuff and it was all right and i was like i measured it properly so it's not going to be wrong.

Properly? Properly, yeah. So don't use the iPhone measuring tool for anything important. Speaking of iPhone tools and speaking of the internet in 2006, remember when there was that app with the beer and it looked like you were drinking it? Yeah. That's my love to see it. Yeah, that's great.

My love to see it is from, what's the name of your robot? Janine. Janine. Janine. Kat said, this seems like a good time to share with Tarp because you've inspired the name of my vacuum. Oh. And she's called it Suck Norris. And don't you fucking love to see that?

I don't endorse that. That's not endorsed by me. She put that on the You Love To See It thread, and I went, yes, Kat Wasberg. Yes, Kat. Yes. Great name. Suck Norris. No, we can't take that on.

That's what people have to ask. That's actually what some people called Tony in high school. Got a hard dick? Well, I should go see Suck Norris. She'll take care of that. She's a machine that turns dicks into suck dicks. I've got a love to see it here from Anita. I'll be Noah.

Anita to suck my dick. This is actually very sweet. Anita met us in London and said, after having such a great time going solo to the London TARP third birthday, I thought, fuck it, let's go. I've always wanted to go on a cruise. Didn't have anybody that wanted to go with me. I've never really done anything on my own before.

And she said, I came and saw you at your third birthday and that gave me the confidence to go and do something by myself. Fuck yeah. Start the fucking cruise go and do something by myself. Fuck yeah. Start the fucking cruise ship. Yeah, exactly right. Anita says, I didn't find any other tapas, but there were lots of people that were really kind and friendly,

especially when they realised I was on my own. Yeah. But they're like, oh, did you want to join us for dinner or whatever? They'll take you under their wing. Which is quite sweet. Anita says, it was the best. I never would have considered it before being pushed out of my comfort zone to come and see you guys in London. Love it. And she said thank you for

creating opportunities for us to grow. Isn't that so sweet? That is sweet. Anita, but you're the one that did the work. You went and put yourself out there. So that's fucking awesome. When Tony's former therapist helped her grow, she bought him a plant and said thanks for

helping me grow, but then she tripped on the doorstep and head-butted his dick. Head-butted him in the penis. So I'll expect the plant and the head-butt any day now. And a head-butt to the groin from Anita Suckermy Dick. I love that you just said former therapist as well. Yeah, he's dead now. I head-butted him so hard. Yeah.

Chad Norris head-butted me in the dick once and then I gave birth. I headbutted him so hard. Yeah. Chad Norris headbutted me in the dick once and then I gave birth. I don't know. Is that one? I don't know. Thank you so much for listening. I think that's one of them. Is it? Yeah. See you tomorrow. See ya. Love you. Bye.

No more now.