Toni and Ryan - Do You Put Your Sheets In The Freezer? | Funniest Moments OF SEPTEMBER

Episode Date: October 3, 2026

Fallen behind on TARP and need a fast-track to catch up?!? Here’s the bessssst bits from SEPTEMBER 2026!Tell us what you reckon in the episode thread in our FACEBOOK GROUPWatch and subscribe on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan and get in the group chat with us!!!Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Normal or not, Europe is in a heat wave and my friend said he's putting his sheets in the freezer. Takes them out of bedtime so he can have a cool sleep that doesn't feel like being in a sauna. Slat, my freezer's full. Yeah. Also, I wouldn't have my sheets near food. What's going on on those sheets? I'm just saying. Well, it sounds like you're doing a lot more than saying.

No, but even if you'd only sleep. Sounds like you're slaying. Slipping and slatting. No, no, I do take that back. Does something need to be wet to freeze? Because I'm thinking when you fold them up to get them in the freeze, you have to like crack them back out. Because there's so much fabric.

I think they would just be damp. Oh, cold damp sheets. Males who have female best friends. Do we know any of those? According to a peer-reviewed psychological research study. Great. A happier, more honest and less annoying to be around. So am I happy?

I think so. Am I... Is this a loaded fucking question? Am I genuinely pretty honest? Yes. Am I not annoying to be around? No. No, but do you know what?

The poor said so much. No, you aren't. Because I reckon there's a difference between like being annoying in a way that you're like, I cannot stand to be around this person. But being annoying in the way that you're like, that's so then. Like, is that better? Like, they're not being annoying. That's just who they are.

You know how like, but yeah, but in a way that you're like love them. Yeah. Like us, if we have a bit of a fucking skrink. Yeah. It's actually fine pretty much straight away. Yep. Whereas back in the day when we didn't know each other that well, a skrink would last a couple of days. I've never heard the term skrink and I couldn't agree with its meaning more.

It just like just a little skrink. Yeah. Only 11% of people have a best friend of the opposite gender. Really? Girlfriends get jealous when their boyfriends have a close female friend. Yeah, that's true. But it's not why you think. Psychologists found that the girlfriends aren't scared he's going to finger her.

The girlfriend is scared and jealous that they are sharing and honest with each other and create a deeper bond with the best friend. The emotional connection. Yeah, and they get jealous. They're like, oh my God. she's closer with him than I am. Yeah. Confession.

I know the truth about the bride and groom. The wedding was awesome and they actually met at a party at my house many years ago. Don't you feel like a celebrity at the wedding if you're like part of the story? They met at a house party at my place. You're welcome. Who knows what would have happened if it wasn't for me? You know, like how. You're all welcome.

I'm basically part of it. It's basically a three-person thing. I'm part of it. within minutes of them meeting each other, they both immediately knew they'd found their soulmate. Oh, that is so beautiful. Oh, my God. Like, we are so perfect for each other.

They were both really drunk and made this decision like, oh, let's not be a rushed, drunken, messy one night's damn thing. Like, no, like, this is, this is it. Let's meet up for coffee tomorrow morning. Oh, that's really beautiful. I'm really, like, responsible, right? And just like, oh, no. And just like, this is serious.

Like, let's not fuck this. up. So that's really nice. Charles Tech nuts. He takes her out the front and makes her. Make sure she gets in the Uber. Yeah. And you know, goes, all right, well, see you tomorrow. They live not too far from each. We'll meet at that coffee place on the corner at 10. That's really sweet. Sounds great. So he goes back into the house for his jacket. Yeah. Starts chatting to someone. Oh, yeah. No, I'll get another beer and another beer and end up fucking my best friend in my parents' bed. He still met the next morning. They still fell in love.

Everything still happened the way it was supposed to. But now I'm holding this information and I genuinely wish I could forget it. There is probably no good reason to tell the bride. But I also feel like I shouldn't have to hold this secret myself. I feel awful and I feel guilty, said the tough. So she doesn't know their wife. The whole wedding day, they talked about that cute time they met and they knew straight away and they both went home early and met the next day.

and oh, I was an old mate's house and every, oh, yeah, I'm the hero. And I know he railed someone else in the same bed my dad rails my mum in. I'm about to say something and don't fucking at me in the comments because it's illegal and it sounds really bad, but it's actually fucking not. So I don't fucking care. What I need to do is drive up my neighbor's driveway and just like loop around back into mine. And Mabel goes, can I sit in the front seat? Yeah.

Yeah, you can sit in the front seat. seat actually. Yeah, you can. You jump in. You put your belt on and the look. Oh yeah, the excitement on her face. What happened when she told Richard about that? She goes, Mom, does it. Oh, the opposite of what you'd expect. So we got to the top of my driveway and I go, should we call Mom? Until it had come out. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like waving at mom. She goes, I'm in the front seat. And Bridget's like waving at her. Then I pulled into the garage and Mabel looks at me and goes, this is the best day of my life. I'm going to cry. Oh my God. she was so genuine and looked at mum as if she'd just walked on water.

Like that was just the craziest thing ever. She turned water into wine and was like, mum, look at this. I sat in the front seat. That is so fucking cute. And to be fair between myself and Bridget, if one of us was going to like bend the rules a little bit, it was probably going to be me. What? Yeah.

And so I didn't know how I was going to go down. And then later, Bridget goes, sometimes you just got to let them have fun, eh? Rip the Band-Aid off. Ryan shit in his bed two times. And it's embarrassing. It's not embarrassing. Everyone shits in their bed two times in one night sometimes.

Babies. Nah, take that back. Safe space. Safe as hell. Take that back. No, I take it back. Do you need the horse photo before we start talking about shitting in your bed? Or should we save it for the end?

Yeah. My name is Ryan and I took a weight loss drug and I did not shit in my bed once. Not just once. I feel like it sounds good when I say I didn't shit in my bed once. Yeah. And that's a true statement. It is technically true, yeah.

Twice in one night I shat the bed. Yeah. And this was a few days ago and I've had some of the most harrowing days of my life. I believe I said to Tony that colonoscopy prep was nothing compared to what happened the other day. So in the afternoon, I was doing some really bad burps. I believe Dr. Google described them as sulfuric. Sure. And that's what it felt like. Like when you go to the hot springs. Real sulfury, gross smell. Yeah. And like reflexy, right? Reflexy, gross burps. And I made one of the best decisions I've ever made for my marriage and my relationship.

I said, bridge, I'm going to sleep in the spare room. I said, I'm a bit wriggly, I'm a bit irritable, I'm a bit burpy. And when you're up and down to the bathroom, you're just going to wake the other person are like, and I was like, I think I'm doing you a favour. Yep. I'm going to sleep in the spare room. Yep. So I'm going to the toilet every three minutes, maybe 15.

And then I go, I think I'm good, I'm going to go to sleep. Yeah. I wasn't good. I wasn't good. I wasn't good. Have you ever shut the bed? I have. I had gastro really, really bad, like a few years ago when I think I was 20 and Torbs was looking

after me and yep. So I won't out of you're like fucking hot mud. Like it's like lava, isn't it? So I wake up and I go, you're fucking joking. You're fucking joking. So I walk like. Roy Dan into the shower. And if you wake up at 2 a.m.

And your partner's in the shower, like, nothing good has covered that. Oh, yeah. Put that on a fucking tachshed. Yeah. And so I dry myself off off with a towel. No, no, no, no, no. Trust me, Bridget has already said the mold. Yeah, okay.

And then I get another towel. And I was like, I'm going to sleep on this because. What a horrible night. Can I ask a question? What did you do with the poo in the bed? Because it wasn't solid. You couldn't just pick it up, pop it in the toilet. No.

No. It wasn't like through. I just, like it wasn't heaps. It was just some. But I, the waddle to the shower, I feel like did a bit. And then I put the tower down. Because you're like, I need a bit of insurance here. Yeah.

Totally. And then I woke up an hour later and I've gone, you fucking wouldn't read about it. You wouldn't read about it. But you shitted. Again. On the towel. Yeah. And then I waddled back to the shower.

And when your partner has showered at 2. and then again at 315, you really know. You really know. She's wrong. Well, yeah. Yeah. And then Bridget said, and this is what she said on behalf of every tarper. Oh, that's nice that she was thinking of us at 315 while you were shitting yourself.

Well, this is just one for everyone. She just goes, if there's a positive, at least you're shitting on your own towels now. She did not. She did. And I said. if there's ever a time to not make me laugh. Oh yeah, you're playing with fire.

You're playing with fire. So then I put on my two, three, third pair of underwear for the night. You shit through knickers. Well, I was wearing underwear both times. Oh, I thought you were raw dogging it. Dude, no, that's crazy. Well, how did you still shit in the bed?

Didn't the knickers catch it? Well, that's what I was saying. I was Troy Danning myself to the, like, trying to like waddle and like So did you Shear in your knickers And then because you were like laying down It like scudged out

Well that'll be yeah Not out Through Like a sieve A very tight sieve Yeah Yeah but Liquid gets through

Very tight Not tight enough Yeah You're okay Charles You're okay Charles Have you ever shit your bed? I actually haven't. Oh, it's like, you're young.

You're young. You're young, Charles, it'll come. I can report that in three days I lost five kilos, which is not what you want. No. It's not what you want. You just couldn't keep anything down, eh? No. And all I had was very flat soda water, rice and boiled chicken.

I have rehydrated and regained four kilos. Yeah, it's just all water. Yeah, I'm back. Yeah, nice. But I just wanted to say that I did take a weight loss drug and I shat the bed twice in one night. That's good. And that's where I'm at. Thank you for trusting us with something that happened to you when you were feeling vulnerable.

I was feeling vulnerable. Yeah, and you feel vulnerable about it now because it's fucking, you feel silly. Yeah. And you felt shit. Well, literally. I felt shit on my legs. I felt shit in multiple pairs of underwear. What did you do with the underwear?

Left them in the shower? They... There was... I suggested we throw them out. Nah, they don't need to be thrown now. And then Bridger goes, nah. I reckon we go two, like, hot boil washes and then one regular one.

Yeah, sure. And like not with anything else. Yeah. Yeah. I personally did the top sheet and the mattress protector. Yep. Luckily you had a mattress protector on there. Yep.

I did the duna cover. Nice. The duna itself doesn't fit in the washing machine. Yeah. You've got to take it to like a laundromat. Like the big, like... Then I have to look of someone in public in the eye. But it's on the duna.

Still? Yeah. And we don't really know what to do. Throw it out. Bridget said this morning. I think if you've left it for that long, you should throw it out. Bridget just said, hey, like, don't want to like, but it's still just like, can you do something? Please.

Yep. Yep. I think that if it's been sitting there, I think you should throw it out now. Yeah. Charles, any questions? Nope. Tony, anything else you like to know? No.

Thank you for sharing there. Yeah. Thank you. It was four days without a solid poo. Is that normal for you, though? They all kind of... Do you remember when a witch tried to curse my wedding? Yes. How can I forget?

And we told this story about how a witch came up to me and they put all their bad jujubes on me and, you know, tried to tell the future, but we rejected. We said, no witch. No witch, no. No deal. Witch? We might be the witches. What? In this scenario.

I hate to cast aspersions, but we might be the witches. Listen on. Like, we're the bad guys. listen to this. Jade just message said, oh my fucking God, I've just listened to the episode How to Get Out of Jury Duty on my way to work this morning. We did this a couple of weeks ago on the pod.

If you haven't heard it, we talked about how you might be able to get out of jury duty, whether I would be accepted, whether Ryan would be accepted. Two hours later, my husband calls me and says, you've just got a sketchy looking letter. Do you mind if I open it? She goes, oh my God, yeah, open it straight away.

He goes, up for jury duty you're fucking joking we're the witches we are the witches we put that on to jade jade i am so sorry in the letter it's that she's being called and she can be summoned anytime over the next 12 months so she's like a standby for a year that's even worse isn't it you can't get drunk you can be called upon any time yes you gotta be ready you i mean you're not an uber driver but yes well you're gonna judge someone's life or death sentence when you're hammered well don't I think it's like a nine to five kind of gig. I drink all the time.

I'm drunk now. Who can say they're the rogo. I'm about to show you a picture. It's a screenshot from one of our recent videos. Charles, if you don't mind popping that up. What do you notice about what I'm wearing? You are wearing a pink knitted jumper? And that jumper, I like...

Regular rotation? I wear it all the time. Yeah. It's, yeah, pink and red knitted jumper. It's from Gorman. I got it for like a hundred dollars off. Like it was really cheap when I bought it and I've worn it so much. It's like definitely one of my faves.

The other day, we ate KFC in the office as a team. Yeah, we fucking did. And I was wearing that jumper. Yep. And I dribbled gravy all down front. Oh, Tony, no. I know. And I was like, that's fine.

I'll just pop it in the wash when I get home. In our house, so Torbs and I both work. full-time. So without housework. Where do you work? Are you doing something else after this? What are you doing? Yeah, I just did my morning shift here and then I go back to Coles. But like, because we both work full time.

With our chores and our like housework, it's kind of like whoever gets to it first. We don't have like, oh, well, I always do this and you always do this. It's quite evenly split. Yeah, okay. And I popped a load of washing on that had this jumper in it. Mm-hmm. And still gravied up. Still gravied up, like, fucked.

I put it in the wash, and then I was like, great, when that finishes, I will put all the other stuff in the dryer, but I'll lay that jumper out in the sun. Because it said, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Torbs got home, noticed that the washing was finished and was like, oh. I'll just pop that in the dryer. and my beautiful handsome, very smart, very tall, beautiful handsome husband

popped all of that stuff in the dryer. And my favourite jumper... He's now Mabel's. Charles, if you go to the second photo... On Pippa, the French bulldog. There's Pippa wearing the jumper. I didn't realize that something other than me could shrivel up so small.

That's crazy. It's so small and stiff. Would you like to have it? So for everybody that's not watching it on YouTube, the jumper. It's like a door mat. Yeah. It's stiff and stuff.

You need a microphone. Can we stretch it back to its glory days? So I wasn't there when the stuff came out of the dryer. Torbs has pulled all the clothes out, realized that the jumper is that side. And he googled it and he's like, oh, there's like a thing you can do where you soak the jumper in conditioner. Yep. And it relaxes all of the fibers and you can stretch it back out in the sun. A bit of WD 40.

He tried that. That did not work. Okay. And I get home, we're chatting whatever. And he goes, oh, I moved that washing over. And I was like, oh, thank you so much. I didn't really even think about it. And then he goes, my love.

Oh. I have some bad news. And I was like, what's wrong my love? Like, what's going on? And he goes, and he like pulled, like pulls the towel back, lifts the jumper off. And I went, and he goes, I'm so sorry. Yeah. He goes, I'm so sorry.

And I was like, and I was like, can you please cover it up? Like you couldn't look at it. Like I couldn't look at it. And I was like, it's actually fine. It's just a jumper. It's not. No, but I was like, here's my, I was like, it's fine. It's just a jumper.

You were just trying to help. It really doesn't. doesn't matter. And he goes, I've looked online. You can't buy it anymore. He's like, I tried to, I tried to fix it. And he's like, and then I tried to replace it online. And I was like, oh, I bought it a few years ago. And it was on clearance. So it's like, you can't get it anymore. Yeah. If anyone has this jumper. Yeah, this gorman. I think it was cool, like the snakes and ladders jumper. You name your favor and I will do it for you. That's very sweet. Whatever you need. You need your car washed. You need me to come around and do

the vacuuming. It's so small. It's so funny. Like, I didn't even know that that could happen. We need a size, not important, pink jumper from Gorman that was called the... I think it's called like the Snakes and Ladder jumper or something like that. All it needs to be is... Too big for a French bulldog. Yeah.

Is our goal? Basically any size above toddler size I'll take. Can Mabel have this? If she wants it. But I thought maybe to make my beautiful husband feel better. because he feels really awful about it. Does anybody have a time where you had a laundry fuck up

or a chore fuck up and you were just trying to help and it's just gone horribly, terribly wrong? I love a story that ends with dot dot dot, dot. I was just trying to help. Yeah. Do you want to hear the hack of the century

and this is going to change everybody's life? When you go to set an alarm... Sorry, how many alarms are you got on there? Oh, it's not the time. Well, it's lots of times by the look to this. Well, so I don't like editing them. I just add new ones. And I actually have just done a cult.

When you're setting an alarm, you press a little plus sign, right? And then you scroll through the time like this. And that takes so long. Did you fucking know that if you tap it, you can write whatever time you want? I didn't know that. Isn't that amazing? I discovered that last night. That's it.

Is that with all scrolly things or just the... I don't know. I've only tried it on here. I don't dare, a derrant take it into. Because let me tell you an old person problem that Charles, you'll have to deal with in about 40 years.

Oh, it doesn't work for that. Trying to scroll and find your birth year, humbling. Because it goes, enter your birth year, and it's got the scrolly thing and it starts at like 2007.

I go, am I going to scroll for the next couple of hours? 18, 1887, 1987 is a fair few flicks down. Guess who fucking called me on Wednesday? Who? my mom.

Well, my mom's dead. Yeah. Officially 13 years today, so thanks for bringing Nutter. She's not coming. Well, neither's mine because she missed out. Say, Mandy. Tickets go on sale in midday, right? Yep.

She goes, I went online at about 12 o'clock, and there was heaps left, so I didn't worry about it. On the block, you kind of end up unofficially with one of two jobs. There's usually one person who has to, like, go out and buy the stuff. and then there's the other person that's like back at their thing like doing the building and getting it done. Like I would probably be the buyer. Hey. Hey. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why are we all laughing? Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? Why are you both looking at each other? What's going on? When I think about the things that you've randomly bought.

Okay. Let me give it to you on the flip side. Would you trust me to be the one building it? People are sent through their coincidences and they just suck because this segment sucks. But the sucking is the good bit. I told my co-worker that my sister has a new boyfriend. His name is Alan. Yep. And the lady at work goes, my grandson, guess what his name is? Alan?

No, but his friend has a dog called Alan. What of the chances? Ah! See, I told you this segment sucks. I went to university about an hour away from my hometown. Yep. I didn't know if people there would have even heard of my hometown. Sure.

So after class, I spoke to this guy and guess what? What? He had heard of it. Oh.