Toni and Ryan - Dog Sh!t Calamity

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

A CALAMITY HAS OCCURRED AND THERE'S POO EVERYWHERECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. And we are calling... The town is called Eugene in Oregon. And her name is Sarah. I was going to say, oh, we're calling Eugene, Oregon. You'd be like, oh, cool. So we're calling Eugene and Sarah in Oregon. Hopefully they're not sharing a Patreon account. Hello? Sarah! Sarah! hello sarah hi it's tony and ryan how you doing good how are you we're good how's eugene today the town not the person oh it's nice it's a nice beautiful. It's not as hot as it was last week, which is wonderful. Oh, I'm jealous.

It is so cold at the moment. It's freezing, freezing cold. Yeah, I'm very jealous. Do you mind approving this episode? Absolutely. Sarah and Eugene both approving it. Oh, don't, don't. No, no, no.

This is Sarah in Oregon, and I approve this podcast. Guys, this morning, calamity. Calamity. Calamity, calamity. Calamity. Calamity, calamity. Calamity Raijan. When I walked into the studio, I was met with, would you say a gasp or a round of applause for the boots? A wet puss, more like.

They look good. For those playing along at home, as I throw a leg onto the desk. Yep. So no one can see this, but Ryan is rocking a pair of brown, like, pull-on Chelsea Docs. And they're Doc Martens. Yeah. Or Docs.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What? Well, because with these boots, I just wanted to emphasise that, because when you say Doc Martin, people assume, like, the big lace-up black ones.

Yeah, so that's why I just said pull-on Chelsea Docs. Yeah. And then you went, yeah, Doc Martens! Because when I think also think Chelsea boot, I think of like Bloodstones the brand. Aren't they all lace up? Nah. Do you know what a Chelsea boot is? One of these?

Yeah. Yeah. But I don't associate Doc Martens with Chelsea boots. I've got Doc Martens Chelsea boots. Do you? Yeah. So does Torbs. The same ones you're wearing actually. They're like brushed brown. They're very cool boots. Do you? Yeah. So does Torbs. The same ones that you're wearing, actually. They're like brushed brown. They're very cool boots. You look very good.

You're wearing like a slim taper black jean as well. You've got a real nice like grey T-shirt and a crisp green button-up. Thank you. Like the whole thing's really working. It's doing it. Yeah, so I usually wear Nike's, but I stepped in dog shit. And how much have you not heard of anyone standing in dog shit since you were in high school?

I thought a bit like going from day to night. I thought that stepping in dog shit would happen more. Same. I thought it would be a big part of being alive. Yeah. And it just doesn't really happen that often. So I walked it through the house onto the rug. No.

And Bridget goes, what's on your feet? And I looked down and I go, fuck, that stinks. And because dog shit has like such a distinctive smell. And I've gone, I stepped in dog shit. Did it feel like a cartoon? Yeah. And Bridget goes, what do you mean? And I went, I know.

I haven't done that for 10, 15 years. So you're having this conversation while the poo is still everywhere. Yeah. So then I had to, I'm like, because you can't like, if you rub it, it like rubs it into the rug. So I had to kind of like tap it off. Dab it out. Almost vacuum some chunkier parts.

I think my Nikes have been put into the bin. And then, so those Nikes are in the bin. I have these other runners. Me and BJ went for a long walk last night and they're like pretty wet. So I'm like, I can't wear those. They've got dog shit. I'm going to have to put on a Chelsea dock. Dock buttons. Dock buttons. And I walk in and I go, oh, how embarrassing. wear those they've got dog shit i'm gonna have to put on a chelsea dock dock martins dock martins

and i walk in and i go oh how embarrassing i bet when i turn up the guys are gonna make a big deal out of it big deal in a good way big deal nonetheless i walked in and i went hey guys sorry i'm a little bit late oh but you look good those boots you look good calamity calamity and you know when you're running a little bit late, everything goes wrong? Oh, yep. And you go, of all the days. It would never happen when I'm running early. And I go, I've got time to get out of my shit-covered shoes.

They're putting in a new speed bump in my road. Yeah. Oh, fucking doesn't look like there's any construction going on, but there's a lollipop person standing there and telling me to stop. And I go. So I have to wait five minutes for this guy to dig the whole street out so we could replace it with a speed bump. And then you go, could you just, I just say one second, drive past,

you won't hear from me again. I'll move away. Like I won't come back again. Like it's fine. Shut up, idiot. What are you going to stand a dog poo again? Yeah. Cool boots.

Are they dogs? No, they're dogs. No, they're Chelsea dogs, you fucking dog. Last week, you know when I wasn't feeling very well? Yeah. And we recorded and I was like, guys, do you mind if I bounce early? Like I was just feeling crook as. You were like, get out of here, go get some rest, have a cup of tea

and like watch the Kardashians, which is what I did. Don't threaten me with a good time. Yeah. Oh, if I have to, I think I'm sick again. I think I have to leave early. And I'd scooted to work, which also was a mistake because it was freezing fucking cold. Anyway, and then I'm like, fuck, I've got to scooter home.

I felt like shit. Yeah. And I'm like, I've just, all I've got to do, I've got to keep it together to get home. Just get it home. Then I can collapse. Then I can collapse and, like, the day's over and I'm like, all I've got to do, I've got to keep it together to get home. Just get it home. Then I can collapse. Then I can collapse and the day's over and I can fucking think about just trying to watch the Kardashians.

I'm scooting home, wasn't really paying attention, and I scooted through a bag of dog shit. So obviously their dog had shit. This sounds dog had shit that I'm not even, this sounds like a lie, I'm not even fucking kidding. Obviously they'd scooped up their dog shit, tied the bag off and stuff and popped it in the bin and it's like slipped out of the bin or like fallen out of the bin as it was getting taken.

What are you, a mad woman driving over bags? Because those scooters, the smallest of bumps just was in. Did you stack? It had gone, it had been gone over already. Oh, so it was flat, yeah. So it had been flattened out. I drove through it. Yeah.

So the dog shit all over my scooter. Oh, my God. And it flicked up as well. Like got caught in the tires, flicked up, was on me. And so. Do scooters have little mud flaps? I was the mud flap in that situation. I was the flap that copped the mud, I tell you what.

And so my scooter is covered in dog shit. I haven't smelt since last September except for then. Yeah, long COVID. Oh, no. We'll break for long COVID for this fucking dog shit. Maybe the medical science people, you know, if you trust them, maybe they should look into sort of getting dog shit as a, like, tester. Yeah.

Because you know how my smell's gone. Well, peep up. I can smell that. Got me a sweet up. Here we go. Yeah, and so I rode through the shit. Have some marshmallow sweet up. It had been raining, so it was thin.

It was, like, just fucked. It was so fucked. That is fucked. And I felt like shit, and then I was covered in shit. Yeah. And then I got home and people were so excited to see me because I'd only been gone for like an hour and a half or something. And she's like, oh, my God, mum's like.

Oh. Like she was pissed off that there was a different dog shit in the house. Who are you being? Yeah. Who are you sniffing around, mum? Yeah. Don't be nuts. You're not going to have to piss on that to take over the-

Yeah. Covered in shit. Felt like awful. Like, it was just not good. Yeah. So when you said, you won't believe this, I was like, I will believe that. Would you say it's a coincidence? More on that later.

More coincidences to come. Welcome to the show. Today we are doing confessions. These are top confessions. Please submit them to tonyandryan.com.au and today is the revenge edition. First of all, farta revenge. Farta or father?

Farta. Farta. Farta. Pop off. Yeah. Yeah. Like your mother and your farter. Darth Farter.

When someone uses the term to start a story, my then girlfriend. My then girlfriend used to think it was hilarious to fart on me. That's not funny. She would do it in public all the time. In pub? If I'm sat at the pub, like, sitting and she had to walk past, then her, like, butt was kind of at face level. So she, you know, and she just thought it was hilarious.

Bang. All the time. I just think that's dumb. I was waiting for the perfect time to seek revenge. Shit on her. Sorry. We both went camping with friends and had a massive night drinking all sorts of booze and were both in a bit of a state in the tent the next morning.

Oh, yeah. And because we were on a mattress on the ground and she was still asleep, I thought the height and the circumstances are perfect for me to get the revenge. And because you know when after you've had lack of a bit to drink, you've normally eaten some like crook food as well. Or even the mixing of drinks as well. You're a bit lethal the next day. I thought it would be better if I pulled my pants down

so I could fart right in her face with no material between my butt cheeks and the face cheeks. Yep. The fart scared her so much that she woke up and kind of, you know, sat up really quick and she headbutted me right in the nuts, which scared the literal crap out of me and the buildup of 24 hours of drinking and the shock unleashed a literal tsunami of shit out of my ass all over her face in bed in the tent.

Poonami? Oh, my God. So hang on. Okay. So he f farts you like crouches down over her crouches down and he's fighting she jumps up and he's like yeah breathing in all the fart as well and then hits him in the nuts and he shits on her yeah i've watched a porn i like that i think it's called the uh impossible situp for those playing along at home. Two girls, one fart. Even though I was dumping on her, she was dumping me about 10 minutes later.

I have never seen her since. She broke up with him. She's like, that's fucked. I can't move past that. Hang on. Did you drop a scene? I was about to say, come the fuck on. Oh, I thought.

Are you serious? Yep. She'd been farting on him thinking it was like so funny all this time. And then one little poo slips out and she dumps him. Well, to be fair, it doesn't sound like one little poo. Yeah. And AJB, that's got some gas behind it. Yeah.

AJB is after Grog Bog. If anyone hasn't heard that before. Is it one of those things that you're like, every time I look at you from now on, all I will be able to imagine? I think that if Torb's pooed on me, like this was by accident. Thanks for clarifying. You know, no, no, no. I'm saying like this story.

If Torb's pooed on me by accident, like we were just fucking around and he shat himself, I think that would be really funny. Well, if Bridget broke up with me every time I shat myself. Yeah, I mean, you've never seen it. Yeah. So hang on, but when you say accident, he's standing over her with no pants. Like there's accidents and there's, like, accidents. You know what I mean?

But, like, that's an unfortunate thing that happened during, like, she did it to him all the time. He was trying to get her back once. Like, is it ideal? Absolutely not. Am I saying that we should be shitting on our girlfriends, boyfriends, partners? No.

Obviously not. But, like, you know, he was just trying to give her a taste of- She sounded like a bitch. His medicine. Yeah, like, she doesn't sound like a very nice person. Yeah, fuck her. Especially if someone does something to you and you're like, hey, can you- I actually don't think that's funny.

I actually don't like being farted on in a pub. Yeah, like, could you not do- like, yeah, like, I get it, but it's not really for me. And she kept doing it. I'm like, you're a fucking bully. Yeah. Nah, you're better off. I'm glad that he got to shit on her before she fucked off.

Well, if someone's going to break up, wouldn't you rather, because then you always know, you're like, well, she might have dumped me, but I also shat in her face. Yeah, and the good thing about being dumped is that you can go out straight away. Yeah. If you dump someone, then you have to pretend to be, like, gutted. Like, you know, you have to wait, like, a certain amount of time

after you dump someone. Yeah. But if you get dumped, it's a free swing. But if you get dumped, it's like, oh, well, I'm heartbroken. I can do whatever I want. I didn't realise that. Okay. That's why it's good.

I've always been dumped. Ha, ha, ha. Ugh. Ha, ha, ha. I'm really happy about it. Sounds like it. New confession. This is a Netflix confession.

But a revenge Netflix confession. Okay. I don't like to cause drama. Anyone who says that is lying. But my husband, when he really fucks me off, I have some subtle ways of getting revenge, which is really satisfying. Oh, yeah.

My husband gets really flapped if someone else has streamed his TV shows in his profile because he's very particular about his like continue watching. About where you're up to. Where you're up to. And also if you're into something specific, the algorithm gets to learn you, then it recommends shows and stuff. And that's why there are different profiles.

Yep. Like that is literally the reason where it's like you've got a Tony profile, a Torbs profile, whatever. Like that is what it is for. He's so particular about it. So when he's annoying me, I'll go watch some random bullshit TV show and stop watching halfway through. And seeing him get all confused and frustrated that his continue

watching is all out of whack, it's like I've created an itch that he cannot scratch. I know it won't cause him any true harm, but it's so satisfying. And I'm instantly no longer angry at him. I'm just loving it sick. That is good. That is good. That is cold.

That is ice cold. But there's like no one really suffers. Like it's not nasty. is good. That is good. That is cold. That is ice cold. But there's like no one really suffers. Like it's not nasty. It's a victimless crime. Yeah, it's just like annoying. That would piss me right. Like that would flat me to the nth degree. And he's none the wiser.

He's always like, oh, Netflix is doing that thing again. And she's like, oh, honey, what happened again? Did you not watch Princess Diaries 2 this afternoon? Yeah, oh, that's weird. For a little while. Continue watching Princess Diaries 2? Like what? Honey, what happened again? Did you not watch Princess Diaries 2 this afternoon? Yeah. Oh, that's weird. For a little while. Continue watching Princess Diaries 2? What? For a little while.

The Barbie movies were coming up on my Netflix account. So Torbs and I have shared an account forever. Yeah. And when he lived in a share house, all the accounts were his and everybody else had a profile on his thing. Yep. And the Barbie, like, you know, like Barbie and the Nutcracker and like Barbie and the Neverending Castle and like all

of those movies, they would always come up like half watched. And I'm like, where the fuck are these coming from? And it would be like his housemates going on his profile and be like, oh, yeah, watching Barbie. But I was like, the husband, I was like, well, why does this keep happening? And then he's like, you know that, like, I live with boys. And of course, that's like what's going on.

And I was like, where are they going now? I don't understand. Are you seeing someone else that loves Barbie? What's her name? Hey, it's Sarah in Oregon and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion top peons from the Patreon. Looch Sun, thank you so much. Elizabeth H, Cassie Blight, Rhiannon Ricks, and Silly Hagsveen.

Thank you so much, Silly. Absolute pleasure to have you. Not to be silly, but we love to see it. That was a bit silly. That was silly. You're a silly girl. Oh, you're a silly boy. Why are you putting your hand?

She's touching. She's holding my hand. It's nice, isn't it? That is nice. Sorry, let's touching. She's holding my hand. It's nice, isn't it? Okay, that is nice. It is nice. Okay. Sorry, let's keep going. I want to take you behind the scenes of the Tony and Ryan YouTube channel. Oh. Into the back end, into the analytics and a bit of like.

Show you my back end. The dark arts of how the digital world works. The dark arts of the Digital World. Post that on LinkedIn. That would get a few clicks, I reckon. Did you know, Tony Lodge, that if you innocently use a word like gun, that the machine learning AI of YouTube will like red AI? AI, Captain. AI Captain. AI Captain.

Captain Birdseye. Is that only in Australia, Captain Birdseye? Yeah, I think so. That's strange. Who lives in a... Oh, no, SpongeBob. What is the Captain Birdseye song? There's a song.

AI Captain Birdseye. No. I'll sing you a song, a song of the sea. Birds eye, fish fingers. Yeah. Why did I go to SpongeBob? That's funny. Let's send that to birds eye.

They might send us some fish fingers. I love fish fingers. So say if we do a YouTube video and I go, son of a gun. Oh, yep. Or I talked about the cum gun. Sure. Yep. The AI will just see the word gun and go oh red flag what's going on oh i see so

to make sure that like disgusting stuff doesn't get hate speech anything like that but a lot of that's actually like for good but a lot of the time if we're joking and i say oh son of a gun that's obviously nothing bad but of course the machine learning doesn't know the nuance it just hears the word gun and like triggers the thing ah don't say triggers yeah um so there's this thing right that goes oh we've picked up this flag so we've had to like this video is being kind of closed off so question yeah does it flag it and you can action it before it gets taken down? Or does it take the video down? Or does it, like, cancel the video? Often it will kind of, like, hide it sort of thing. So there's still a bit of, like, you can challenge the decision.

Okay. Or you can rectify it. Or you can be like, oh, what if we edit this bit out or mute it? There was one bit that cam in the live stream. What was the video that you played? Papa Smurf can lick your ass. Yeah, lick my ass, bitch. Yeah, so amazingly that got flagged in the live stream.

Weird, yeah. No, but we thought it was for the vile content. It was actually for the copyright. Someone copyrighted that song. Fair. So that we were able to mute for the 10 seconds of the song. Right. And it's fine.

And that's the perfect example of goes, oh, we've flagged something and you go, yep, I'll just mute that bit. All good. Sure. So you do have an opportunity to action it. So something got flagged in the live stream and the people on Patreon couldn't go back and watch it for a little bit. Oh.

Right? And so what happens is when you question, you can question something and go, oh, that was just a turn of phrase and then a human will watch it. Oh, and decide whether it's. Yeah. Oh, he just said son of a gun. It's not a violence will watch it. Oh, and decide whether it's. Yeah. Oh, he just said son of a gun. It's not a violence thing.

All good. Tick the box. Thanks for like flag. Fair call. Yep. Yep. We've checked it and it's all good. Like when you go to the self-serve checkout.

Exactly like that. And the person comes and goes, oh, you haven't bought two bunches of bananas. It's just weighed it twice. Yep. All good. Perfect example. Thank you. And most of the time it is actually all good.

Yeah. You just need to like, you know, it is what it is. Yeah. So something happened on the live stream, like a little innocuous whatever. Great use of the term innocuous. Thank you. And it's got the button and it goes, hey,

if you just want a human to watch over it, we'll figure it out. Now normally a video is what, it, we'll figure it out. Yeah. Now, normally a video is, what, five, six minutes? Yeah. Someone this week who is employed by YouTube. No. Had to sit and watch. 12 hours. The whole thing.

The whole marathon. Yeah. Because we said a word someplace that triggered the machine because Cam's thing got flagged and we muted the song. Yep. And then this other thing gets flagged and it was like real, like it didn't even really make sense to me. So I was like, oh, you know what, check that.

And they go, yeah, one of our stuff. So our person sat down over a week probably, was like 9 a.m. play and then catch up till 5, then watch it again tomorrow from 9 till 5. Isn't a work week 40 hours? So it took them a week and a half. And some guy's like, what are you doing at work? At the moment I'm watching some shit Australian podcast.

Imagine if they were part of the Patreon. They're like, I've already watched this shit once. They watch the whole thing. They're going to watch it again. I wonder if he cuts his hair. But when I thought about the- Because again, usually you go- The actual logistics of that.

Ten minutes, I'll watch through that. Oh, yep, all good, bro. Because I guess you're watching it for the context of what – Oh, my God. Well, it's exactly what it is because that's why you need a human who can understand the context and not just, like, trigger keywords and stuff like that. So I don't know what the word was.

I don't know where it was. But, again again pretty normal stuff um oh yeah super standard but it just happens to be that that video is 52 hours long so is it sucked into him or is it like well done you're getting paid to watch this got paid to watch something that other people are paying to watch you think about like that people joined our patreon so they could be part of it this guy i bet you he flagged it himself so that he could watch it. He was like, oh, I want to sit down. Oh, they said son of a gun.

Better check on that one. Oh, I better double check again to make sure. But I can confirm that now. We're all good to go. All levels of Patreon, every minute of the live stream is in the Patreon. Yeah. All levels of Patreon. Yep.

Great. I actually said to Tony, I'm like, are people going to like really want to go back and watch this? And Tony goes, you'd be surprised. Yeah. Well, surprised I am. Yeah. All levels of Patreon. Yep. Great. I actually said to Tony, I'm like, are people going to like really want to go back and watch this? And Tony goes, you'd be surprised. Yeah. Well, surprised I am. Yep. Call you surprised.

Call me surprised. Yep. Because yeah, it's back up there and people are loving it. People are frothing it. And also I am excited to like, when I'm not traumatized by it anymore, I think I will hit play and just go. I can't remember saying that, but that's okay. I don't remember any of it.

If I had to speak for one minute, I would remember what I said. But when you have to speak for 50 hours, I don't remember a second of it. I can't remember a thing. It's even like when we finish recording the podcast, I walk out the door and I go, see ya. Like that's done. Like I'm thinking about the next thing. And so there's 51 hours of footage of me just saying,

Papa Smith, can I lick your ass? Yeah, lick my ass, bitch. But I don't remember that. Are you trying to get this episode triggered? Sorry. Yeah, lick my ass, bitch. How fucking good is that? That's amazing.

I got to love to see it here from Sam. Three weeks ago, I was driving to a... Now, I just need to preface This is a good story Okay Is this Sam Someone in our page Yep

Chasebook group Do you want to have another crack at that bud? Facebook group Tapa Sam Hi Sam Three weeks ago I was driving to work And listening to the podcast

Beautiful choice I rear-ended some random on the freeway who couldn't drive for fucking shit. Oh, okay. So it turns out Sam was, like, loving the pot a bit too hard and maybe, like, wasn't as quick on the brakes as they could have been. But it was still some other person that just slammed him on. Okay. And, you know.

But here's my love to see it. I wrote my car off, which was the catalyst to me buying my own first ever brand new car. Oh, congratulations. Now check out Sam in this big Isuzu truck. She's loving it. Sick. The car's bigger than she is. Yeah, that car is huge.

That's huge. And she goes, it's better than driving my shitty old Lancer. Thank you, Tony and Ryan. I don't know if I'm supposed to say you're welcome. But I'm glad you're happy. Happy you're happy. Happy you're happy, Sam. So you love to say that.

Oh, good on you. That's why you have insurance. That's why you have insurance. So that you know. I actually, my love to say it today is kind of exciting. I actually am writing another book. What? What?

What, what? I've seen this tweet and it's the title of my new book. What? And it is, I waited too long to eat and now I'm mean and also crying. A memoir. I'm mean and also crying. A memoir. I'm so relieved.

Because I'll tell you, show me that again. I waited too long to eat and now I'm mean and also crying. A memoir. Corinne Phillips. I hooked up with her in high school. She lives in Waddle Glen. Thanks for bringing the tweet in, though. Corinne, have you listened?

There you go. Did you get Corinne or Corinne out? Fuck. Did you lick her in or lick her out? Oh, my God. That's my third book. Coming soon. And she was as well I was going to say

The title of your first book was I agreed to write a book And now I'm also crying Fuck that is good though isn't it Yep Isn't it That's like Mabel Oh yeah

We left it too long to eat Or you know what I don't understand And this is the same for humans. Uh-huh. Being overtired. Oh, yeah. How does that? I've seen Tony Lodge dominate off no sleep for 45 hours.

Don't you tell me you had a rough night. I just also hate when, like, you know when a baby's crying and they go, oh, just tired. I'm like, well, if I cried every time I was tired, I'd never get anything done. No. And then why? And then why?

Yeah. If I cried every time I was tired, I'd never get anything done. TM. A book by Tony Lodge. Tony's fourth book. All right. Thank you so much for listening. Tomorrow on the show, and I'm kind of,

I don't know if I'm intrigued or annoyed that we've left it this long, a follow-up from the 18th birthday party in Perth that happened last Friday night. Tony wasn't invited. She turned up to her nephew's 18th anyway. In another state, might I add. A little across the country. You know, I didn't just go down the street.

I went to another place. I was about to say to another country, but it wasn't. It was in WA. Tomorrow on the show, we'll find out how that went down. Love you. Bye. Bye.