Toni and Ryan - Don't Put This In Your A$$Hole (Please)

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

Babysitting stories - Ashley Madison throwback - Top 5 things stuck in assholes - love ya!!!!!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the top five. Most commonly stuck in assholes, 2025. Number five. Oh, wouldn't it get hot in there? What if it accidentally turned on? Number four. Very sharp. Number three.

Yeah, okay. Yep. Number two. Fet base. They're girthy though. None of these were even close to my top 50 of things that might have been stuck in an asshole. I've really got absolutely.

zero inkling what one can be. The most commonly things stuck in American assholes in 2025, according to the American Safety Commission. Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm from Devon in the United Kingdom. I'm Kate from Endeavour Hills in Melbourne. I'm Amy from Bedwith in the UK and I approve this podcast.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. How are you feeling? I'm so sorry. Tony and I have just got new coffee. They're new drinks for us. A normal coffee plant. not available.

We've gone to a different place and they had a special going. A bargain bin out the front. Yeah, like a coconut coffee. Which I normally love like I'll do like a coconut cold brew which is normally that the

coffee is dripped in coconut water. Right. Whereas this is like coconut condensed milk and it's... Coconut condensed milk. It's coconut town. coconut and it the coconut say coconut again because they put it in there

you know what I mean doesn't want to mix with the cream you know how some people you know how some people don't like the word moist you know what word I don't like separated congealed that is a not that and doesn't that does what it says on the tin for what's congealing I think the insides of my person are congealing and separating if you know what I mean. So we've just off air chat as well.

Side note, we've just had a false alarm about Ryan cheating himself. And we might have another real alarm soon. But the thing about alarms and false alarms is you don't know it's a false alarm at the time. So true. So I treat every alarm with care. We were about to hit record and I was like, actually let me go into my other office. Let me just have a look. All good, but still bubbling. You know what I'm saying? I can't decide about this TBF.

If you knew here, welcome. I would love to be your friend. My name is Ryan. This is Tony Lodge. If you've been here for a while, lovely to have you a part of this community where we're safe to try crappy drinks. And if we don't feel good,

we can be honest and fine about it because it's a safe space. I think Tony's out. I think that's a no from Tony. No, because I don't not like it, but I'm going to keep getting coconut in my throat and he keep joking.

It's not a show drink. No. That's actually, fuck me. You know what? And I got coconut in here as well. Did I not tell you guys that in my Yeti did I have some fucking desiccated coconut in there? I was about to say, why don't you not talk for like four seconds and catch your breath?

But then I remembered who I was talking to. And that is literally impossible. Yeah. That's actually like, I feel like you would ask you out. I'm sorry. It's just not a show. Can you do me a favour and not breathe for three days? Yeah.

Oh, could you do me a favour and, um, no, there's nothing. I could say the end of at that, that wouldn't feel that real nasty. Gone. No, I wouldn't do it.

No, no, no, no. But we're not tip for tap. The timing of that click and your boob jiggle was perfect. Well, I performed it. So, of course it was. Well, yeah. Like, I,

it wasn't an accident. You think this happens by accident? I am. Sometimes. Yeah, I've seen you at your best and I've seen you at your worst. Where am I today? I'd say if best... Fucking!

If best is 100, worst is zero, I'd say you're like high 80s. You're looking good today. Okay. What's a zero for me? Like, name a zero. The morning after the webbies, you weren't great. Do you know what I thought you were going to say?

The end of a tarpathon? I reckon the end of a tarpathon. The Tarpathon is more of a zero than after the Webby's. Yeah, but it was just like you were comically shit after the Webby's. But the Tarbathon, you were just... Leftover makeup. Yeah. Yeah.

What's 100 you've said? Oh, the night of the Webby's. Yeah. But I went from zero to 100 real quick. 100 to 0. Well, I went to from zero to 100 to get to good. And then back to zero. Yeah.

Just a quick peek. Yeah. Oh, not for me. Oh, not for every day. Now, your babysitting my two-year-old daughter, Mabel, on Friday night. And I love her. Look at me in the eye. Sorry.

Don't look at your notes. What are the two rules? The two rules are that I'm not allowed to dance with her on the Bluey episode. Of which Bluey episode? Dance, Dance Revolution, bluey episode. I'll pay it. I'll know it when I said. You will.

And the other rule is that if I want her to get in, need her to get into the bath, I can be like, cheeky bath yogurt. Sneaky bath yogurt. Same energy. Would she know the difference between cheeky and sneaky? She would probably say like, she would be like, you mean cheeky bath yogurt? I said cheeky, you just said sneaky. Well, you fucked me up.

Oh, well, your tides turning, isn't it? Are you really her father? That's her, it's blown it right open. Sherlock tones. She does look like the guy down the road. Huh? She looks like the guy down the road. On the internet, one of the great places.

Oh, I've heard of it. People have been sharing... The World Wide Web. Their health-specific babysitting instructions they've received as babysitters. Okay. And it is a great time. Because I definitely, in my mind, was thinking like, okay, I'm looking after my niece, my goddaughter. Yep.

What time is she going to bed? Like... When she's tired, whatever. But, you know, I'm thinking... Preferably no milk. I'm thinking too generally. No, you've got to get specific. Yeah.

After you see these, you'll be like... Oh, fuck. How specific does parenting get? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And this is the areas I need. If he's in earshot, no one's allowed to mention wolves ever again.

Wolves? Like, oh, woo. If he's listened to the pod. That was quite a good wolf. That was. I'm not suggesting it wasn't a good wolf. Yeah. Oh, no.

And you would never. If you heard the previous sentence, you would know that's not what they're doing. Do you know what's really frustrating about this? No, no more information. Oh my God, that kids really been through some shit Don't talk about a full moon A lot of these TikTok comments So there's some interesting handles

So this is from Ringworm We can leave comment Our handles out if we're like, yeah What did Ringworm have to say? Imagine you've been asked to babysit And they go, oh and by the way Just a quick one Don't let him wear the Hulk fist gloves

And the Spider-Man costume at the same time you will not defeat that combination. We have tried. He becomes too powerful. Oh, that's a really cute one. So don't let him get it on it. Like he can play with the whole fist. They can put the sit.

Don't put him on at once. Because you can't defeat him. I really like that because that is parents getting like in the world. Yeah. That's very sweet. This is from Star Fright 1-14. He should have seen Charles the information that your mom and dad said. When you started working out, don't let him wear the Spider-Man suit if he's also got the whole game.

It's very similar to Mabel. No dairy. Yeah. No dairy. Offer him a sneaky bath yoga. Don't try and dance with him. Not during dance mode. It's a solo and don't you fucking forget it.

Charles doesn't know the word duet. He does not the word threesome though. That's good stuff. Shout out to Charles's parents that listen every day. Katie and Matt, what up? I hope the new job's going good, Katie. Oh, yeah, she started a new job. Because she just works an admin at a school.

Yeah, well, Charles would know. And she's moved to a new school, which is good. And like it's a better school. I met Katie the day she resigned from her old school and she was fucking waved up. And I said, hi, Mrs. Patterson. And she went, oh, Katie's fine. And I went more like future mother anymore.

Yeah, I was like, whatever, mum. Mama. Too soon. Charles was mentally making it, like, cut this out later. Not authorized. it's staying in Tony is the main character in everything at all times

but I think like us commoners you never feel like more of a main character than when you've quit a job you don't really like and you leave for the last time because that's when like

Natasha Benningfield's playing and you're just like skipping down the middle walking down the middle of the street and you just think I'm fucking out of there see you later motherfuckers catch it on the flip side

1,000% and because everybody that's like waving you off are people who you've bitched about the job and they hate their job too. And they like, she got out. Yes, she got out. I'm so jealous. That'll be me next year. Yeah.

And you just feel a bit like an older kid like at school or whatever. The rest is still my return. Yeah, I love it. Who's Lorraine? Staff right 114. If he shoot you with his toy gun, stay dead or he gets angry. play along that's a good one he will test you oh so he goes nah game's over and if you get up he goes that was a test are you not really dead oh i thought he was like he was still in the game but like he'll

shoot you then and come over and kind of like oh i thought it was that he'd like bait you yeah and be like okay maybe we're done and you have to play then he's like yeah he's like oh well you're dead or not yeah he's like i shot you bitch uh this is from mr fibbs ph h oh Fifth. Fifth, I have fibth. No Mr. Bean when it's dark outside. She loves him during the day, terrified if I'm at night. That's good intel. Should I not show Mabel Mr. Bean either?

Because, as you know, I'm a big fan of the Beanster, but I don't know she'd like it. I'd flick that. Got it. That's good stuff. I don't know how she'd go with Mr. Bean. I think she probably wouldn't really get it yet. She's like, it's boring. But sometimes she's like, this is boring.

Or if I put the TV on, she goes, Do you're going to watch a cricket? Oh my God. Your final form. Yeah, or she goes, oh, if it's on Kio, she goes, you watching the Hawkees? Oh. So we'll watch the Hawkees together and she goes,

no, it's boring, Dad. She'll get there. She'll get there. She'll get there. She'll get there. It's like, oh, it's blue with you. It's fucking awesome. Yeah.

Yeah, sorry what you brought to the table is great. This is from Louis Guui. Hi, Louie. Hi, Louie gooey. She doesn't care for written bedtime stories. You have to improvise them on the spot. She knows when you're reading. That's amazing.

That's my area. Yeah. You'd go well there. I would do well at that. Isabel? Is it? Don't tell her what the juices are made of. She feels bad for the fruit.

It's like, it's crushed orange. And she's like, the orange is. Do you know why that is? reckon that they put eyes and mouths on fruit on the juice box and it makes you think it's got a soul yeah it's like when the butcher like names the animal oh fuck bro that's like one to the other isn't it yeah well yeah i guess it is like that uh big daddy six i'm guessing big daddy five was taken yeah and also the a and daddy's are four hot that is hot yeah that is hot yeah

I like that. He's going back around. Yeah. It's Charles' dad. Big Maddie five. My dad's like burner account used to be. Don't know his burner account. Was Daddy's six pack?

His burner account on Ashley Madison. Fuck, isn't that website? A huge cultural moment. No. What a blast from the past that website. What a crazy thing that that leak happened and like all those people were out of. Yeah, sucked in. Do you know what that is, Charles?

No, just because you're so young. real time. So Charles, the thing with Ashley Madison was that it was dating website, right? Or was it finding like people who were married would register to have affairs. Like it was like when design meets discretion. Yeah, that's the. Yeah. So their whole thing was like, this is where you can cheat and not get away with it.

And then there was a dial link and all the names got posted online. But it was like the first of its kind of that kind of thing. So it still exists. It still exists. And so what came out with it? I'll see 20 lunches on there. I'll have a crane. Every single, I'm not married.

I'm just on Tinder. Every single person that was using it then was out of it. And it was like, like hire politicians and athletes and like. Executives and all these fucking rich creeps. Like reverends and shit. Like people of the church had like signed up. It was absolutely. Stop drinking it.

You're going to keep, do you want me to get it to take away? No. Not to take away. No. No. Yeah, can I have that one to go in the bin? Oh, burn. Tommy had me there.

Fuck all the fire brigades. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, bushfires around. But yeah, and so all these people got found out. So it was like a big deal. The internet man. Big Daddy Six. Big Daddy Six pack.

If the one year old doesn't stop crying, play Metallica. Great. Love that. Of course Big Daddy Sixpack wrote that. This is from Gaines Ma. Who's Gaines? If you play the... We're all going to have to concentrate

because there's some big words. Well, you might get it. You're an audio queen. If you play the Prince of Egypt's soundtrack to the eight-month-old, play the Danish National Symphony Orchestra version. She can tell the difference. Oh, my God.

That's amazing. I wonder if that was someone who knows me. I could do that. Ryan's the same. If you play him, the Hilltub Hood's album, he knows that you aren't playing the re-strung version. Oh, I can hear her. very strong a mile away. You have to play in the hilltop hood's

very strong. You won't cop an original. No, I will cop an original. But you prefer a race strong. If you want to get me, like, if you want to really impress me, yeah, get me that big chello. Is that the big, like? Yeah. Chello. Um, finally, Annabelle Kea. It's weird to see a normal name after all those. Yeah, I was just like, right in for the punchline. Yeah, I was like, what? Annabel Kia. I thought it was Annabelle Mazda. Okay

He can only listen to Eminem on Saturdays And he knows what day it is Oh Oh You're so on Saturdays Get you pumped up to go to the boxing class Yeah Hi, I'm Sarah

And I'm from Devon in the United Kingdom I'm Kate from In Devin Hills in Melbourne Hi, I'm Amy from Bedbreath in the UK And you're listening to Tony and Ryan I'm asking to tell out to a few of our champion Tarpers over our Patreon Sorry Tony just said do I need anything

And I said, yeah yeah A game. Yeah. And you know what? I keep trying to bring it. Yeah. No. And you brought it.

Oh, thank you so much. Katie Morrison, might be Charles's mom using a fake last name. Maybe maiden name. Sunstar. Good on your Sunstar. Hayley, good on your Hayley. Melissa, Heather P. Alison Esau.

Tony the Tiger. No. I wonder if he knows Daniel the Tiger. Daniel Tiger's neighborhood. Oh, probably not. Yeah. Matt Allen, rig name. Rick name.

Ashley Parker, good on your ash. Charcoal. Love it. Cindy G. What are you doing a full meal or should we get a Charcule? Oh, were you naughty? Did Santa bring you charcoal? Cindy G.

Oh, who married that guy from one direction? Oh, that was Cheryl Cole. Pretty good. Cheryl Cole. That's good, yeah. Because it sounds like. No, no, but it was actually a good pun. Cindy G., Becky J's sister and Elise, good on you, Elise.

Or maybe it was the same Elise as... Oh no, that was Annabel. No, that song, for a lease. Do-Doo-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D. Okay. And we're doing a live stream for our champion Tppers on Friday. That's right. So you can join in the fun.

Is that 8 a.m. our time, do we decide? 8 a.m. our time, yeah. Oh, fuck off, is it? Yeah. It's because it's a good time zone for others, apparently. What about me? What about, Tony? You came in the other day and you were so pumped.

We came in at like 7. Oh. Yeah, Tony, one day is like, we recorded early because we had shit on. And then Tony's like, we should do this every day. And then the next day, someone reminded her, she's like, oh. I was like, that was me last week. Yeah, we don't talk about that. But also, it is good to get in and like get cracking, but also not every day.

Those champion Tarvers might be joining us in Fiji. Now, it's time for some board comedy. B-O-R-E-D. Now, with this, I've actually consulted. with some of your friend. There's the medical profession, but also the US consumer product safety commission. Because at the end of 2025, they're like,

here's the data from the year. Here's what we've learned about products. The ANC safety rating, etc, etc. What's that for us, the ACCC? No, that's consumer affairs. That's, well, that's consumer stuff. I don't know if they do like issues and health stuff, but they might be involved because if you make false claims,

they'll get on to you. The ombudsman. I don't say. that word. I put too many ombs in when I start trying to say... But is that the ombudsman? Yeah, but every industry has their own person. Ombudsman. Ombuds.

Can I tell you a hack? Plankies. I love a life hat. So when else? And I love unironically calling it a life hack as well. There's something charming about the term. When I worked at a big bank. Everyone knows that you worked at Westpac. No.

One of the other big four. Everybody knows you work today, Z. No. Everybody knows you work. I know it wasn't Commonwealth. So what's the other of the big four? I'm trying to think. What is it?

It's got red on it. It's the bank I'm with. I should know both of the answers to this question. There are four banks in Australia. Sorry, Danny's trying to tell me with sign language. I just want everybody to see. Here's a clue. Nah.

I knew it was red. What was that? I don't want to pay that actually. Danny trying to do an end has done like a Wutang Clan side. Like you've thrown up the blood fucking And he's in that video It's like, oh my God, he's your dog okay?

And it's like, no, he was throwing up blood And you're like, oh my God And then it cuts to the Cuts of the dog like Nahna nah nah nah. It's the motherfucking D or double Gs to And it's got like Like a bandamera

off like because you think he's throwing up blood like being sick but he's but he's just like become a gangster right oh sorry I can't believe we're going to go from that to my banking hack oh yeah sorry the banking hack no I'm very excited about it um if you sign up for the an interest high account right now if if a customer tanks you to the ombudenceman Sorry, if a customer tanks you to the ombudsman. Yeah. Even if the bank is right and the customer's wrong. Yeah.

It costs them like $1,500 in legal fees. Even if they're right. Like it costs the bank that much to just go through the process. I see. But it costs the consumer nothing, eh? Like to consult the ombudsman is free. Yeah. Yeah.

So the bank goes, if when someone's like, oh, this is fucking bullshit, blah, blah, blah. you stole that $900. I'm taking you to the Ombudsman. I'm tanking you to the Ombudsman. The bank goes, even if we're right, it's going to cost us 15. It's cheaper just to give them that $800 that they're complaining about. Oh, but that is at the tension point. They're kind of like, if it gets to about there, just go fucking whatever.

Even if they're wrong. So we should all call the bank to that. I don't know what that limit is or what NAB's doing. But at the time, they're like, hey, mate, if it costs a 50, just fucking. What did you do at the bank? I don't ask you fucking personal questions, mate. No, no, but like, where? When in your career were you at the bank?

My last year of university. So you were doing accounting. And finance and commercial laws. So what did you do at the back? Like, were you a teller? I told a good story. A storyteller? Yeah.

But like, what did you do at the back? Oh, there we go. Business banking associate. I was a business banking associate. There you go. So then how come when we need to do business banking, you... That feels something that you should know more about. It's not, as you know, when it comes...

It's really your problem. It's not our fault. It's usually the banks. It's normally the business banking. Guys, I'm here for you at any time of the day, by the way. Call you... Boo-doo-do-do. Oh, yeah, it turns out he left the company yesterday.

Yeah. And then you guys, hey, I'm your new guy. I'm settling in for 20 years. anything you need. I'm your guy. And you call him and then he goes, who the fuck are you? And how did you get this number? And we go, he gave it to us in the branch at the Northland Shopping Centre. And he goes, oh, no, you're thinking of the other guy. He left eight hours after the year broke through. Yeah, which is how long you have to fucking line up to talk to your fucking business bank at that fucking branch. And you go, Carol. And they go, no, she just left when you, during

that sentence. She's on lunch until next year. Um, so it was actually during. Do you think that? Actually, go back to the LinkedIn see if this checks out. I'm pretty sure it was during the GFC. It was 2009 to what you call me? GFC. It was a giant fat. What was that rolled out book? The BFG. Big fat girl. Oh. So, during really hard time in Babby's school. During the GFC, there are a lot of businesses under financial distress and I helped refinance them and get them set so they could continue. That's amazing.

I should see you at the global fat gun. Sorry. This one guy I worked with manufactured these like millionaire amazing boats and yachts on the Gold Coast. And so. And you worked with him at the bank. Well, we were his bank.

Oh. Because she said this guy I worked with. I get what you mean now. But I was like, so he's doing that on the weekend? Yeah. Is he busy doing that yacht thing? Yeah, fuck at hell.

He's a teller at the back. So everyone goes, yeah, I want to buy that one. And here's my modifications. Here's the million dollars up front. And then it takes them a year to build it or whatever. Yeah. But during the GFC, what's the first thing you're not going to buy? Like a luxury item.

Yeah. So he's not all these people. Hey, man, I know I ordered that thing. Don't want it. No thanks. He's like, but I've already got the boats on the go. So he's calling us going. So here's the thing.

I'm halfway through 10 boats. They don't want them. Oh, my God. I've got a loan to build it because they're going to pay when it's ready. But they don't want it now? Yeah, they want their deposit back. We can fuck with that.

What do I do? And you go, so you became like a therapist. Like people are going through like the like such hard time. Not my technical term, but yes. I was a therapist. But you're talking people down in like a really stressful situation.

Yeah. So that's what I did for small businesses during the global financial crisis. Funny that they don't do that anymore. What take care of you. Help you. Yeah. You. BFG

C Anyway, let's do a board This is the list of What could GFC stand for 1 to 5? That's actually a good board

That is a good board Rather jump I'll get Tony to read this out Because thanks to the US Consumer Product and Safety Commission This is the top five Most commonly Stuck in Arsolls

2025 These are the things that were most commonly stuck in people's assholes in America in 2025. Did you ask Danielle to do this? Yeah. It was their first board. And I actually said, sorry to put this in a work communication.

We do have to say that sometimes. I put it in Slack. Yeah. Oh. Okay. I'm the admin for Slack, so I'll probably get a little ding about that. I'll give you a chance for one thing.

Oh, that's good. Okay. Most commonly stuck in assholes. I'm going to say, I don't know how specific I have to be, but I would say like a fruit or a vegetable, like a cucumber or a carrot or a banana or something.

Great answer. Yeah. You're probably right. But I think that might not count because it's like the US like consumer product safety. Oh, okay. Sorry. Sorry. And so I'll give you another chance because I think technically you would be right.

That would be higher. That's same for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Because it feels better to put something fresh in. And I've always said I actually do Okay, can I ask a question

You can not answer The first thing that comes to mind Like does it includes things That can go in your asshole Like is it free of sex toys Like is it things most commonly stuck in the asshole That you probably shouldn't have put in there Dildos was high on the list

But I think yeah That's supposed to go That's fine, fair game Okay Most commonly stuck in the assholes I'm gonna say Lego. Not on the list.

Oh. I've also got a fun little sentence for each one. Love it. But number five, on the most commonly stuck in your asshole in 2025. Can't say it. Vap pens. Oh. Modern, compact, always on the bedside table.

Perfectly positioned for when curiosity beats common sense. Why would you put a vape in your? your ass. Hey, save that line. I'm yucking the yum. I can't do with that. You're going to say the same thing. There's four more.

Yeah, sorry. Why would you insert next one? Yeah. But a vape pen, wouldn't it get hot in there? What if it accidentally turned on? I'd be turned on. If I was the person.

Yeah, if that were me, ha-ha. Number four. Pliers, tweezers and coat hangers. These get stuck while people are trying to rescue something else. Not the original problem, the tragic sequel.

So it turns out a lot of people lose stuff in their butts, maybe the fruit and vegetable. They go, I'll just ply that out and then they lose the pliers. So all of a sudden, you got a zucchini

and a set of tweezers in your ass. Yeah. And they go, what's in there? And you go, well, I was making dinner. Get your notepad out. And I tripped in the kitchen.

Yeah. A coat hanger. Well, because you can hook it and get it back out. In theory. Wouldn't, oh, that sounds. If I had to guess, I'd know if I thought about it for a while. Pliers and tweezers and code hangers, but very sharp.

Like, that would just not really, as someone who's recently been chitting blood, but that could really scratch on the way in and out. We're about to go get brolinoscopies. Are we, um, I do actually have to book in that colonoscopy. That. When's a good time? Brolinoscopy. When's a good time for that?

Probably morning. Very good, very good. Number three. What's something you've stuck in your asshole? Not much. Have you ever put anything in your bum? Nah, because there's always a lot of traffic going the other way. I'm never far from my next poop.

You know what? That's a really, that's a pretty good answer. Charles, have you ever put anything in your bum? I haven't. You know, it's like a hot sex thing for boys? I know like I get it I think I told you once like what if I really liked it

then you just keep doing it that's the thing where's my phone hypothetically if you're my phone guess where it could be I want to show you a video ahead of your brolinoscopy

oh is it gonna make me not want to do the caro-y-not it's gonna be awesome oh I think you know it doesn't matter Charles you know where I reckon it is it's on the toilet next to the toilet and I wouldn't go down there yeah neither would I

I actually think it's on the massage chair Oh It is. That's charging. Number three. Number three, love it. Torch slash flashlight. Torches were designed to help people see in dark tunnels.

Not that dark tunnel. That. It's the shape and size. Yeah. A little too perfect if you ask me. Because the flare at the bottom makes us and get sucked all the way in. But if you're, I fly. Yeah, okay. Yep. And I just want you to know. Like you're not supposed to swallow a button battery. You shouldn't put a torch up your ass. You know what I mean? Well, these are only the ones that got stuck. So if 200 get stuck during the year, but 20,000 don't. Pretty good odds. But I want people to know who have had these things stuck in their assholes and had to go to hospital. That because it's ended up on this list, it means a lot of other people have to. So you're not alone. It should make you feel better. Love that. That's a really positive spin.

Number two, an aerosol can. Probably similar to the flashlight slash torch. Good shape. Fair base. They're girthy though. Fair base. And you want to know the line? None of these have a taper.

That's what I'm most concerned about. I think you need something with a taper like a carrot or a sycamine. Like it starts small and then flare like gets bigger. That's just big from the get. Like if you wanted to put, you wouldn't start with that. That's a big thick duo. No, but that's what I'm saying. Like, you're not starting with that.

You're starting with something with a point. Like, you know, the front of a plane. Maybe you want the width at the end. Not the front of a plane. Tony. But I can't afford that. I don't have a private jet. Without a private jet, I'd be flying it into somewhere else.

The front. Can I just say, none of these were even close to my top 50 of things that might have been stuck in an asshole. This is probably one of the great lines you'll ever hear. About the aerosol can. Yep. Aerosol can?

Arasol can't. Aerosol can fit in your asshole. Oh, this is better. Sorry. And finally. I've really got absolutely zero inkling what one can be. Nah, I reckon we've had this specific item confessed by multiple tarpers. And shout out to any of our team that's had demand the,

confessions inbox, it's a harrowing time. Yeah. So if he used to drink while doing it. Um, okay. Gone. No. You'll get it. You get it.

Most commonly being stuck in an asshole and it's happened to tarpers as well. Yeah. All I can think about is like sex toys and stuff. No. Phone charger. Sorry. Think of the shape of a phone. Although the shape of this is pretty fucked as well.

Um, toothbrush. No, but getting. I would say toilet brush. No. Correct room. Bathroom. Hair straightener. No.

Not on. That wasn't the issue. But at least that wouldn't get stuff because it's got the court. So you can yank it back out. You're like a clown with the scarves. That Austin Power's still coming. Yeah. The number one thing.

Lock in your guesses, everyone. Toothbrush. I already said no. Hair straightener. Already said no. Oh. So, what else is in a bathroom? A flossing stick.

The most commonly thing stuck in American assholes in 2025, according to the American Safety Commission, shampoo bottle. The Kevin Murphy. We have talked about that yet. Don't you mean the Paul Mitchell? This is the same conversation we had when we did it. Why not conditioner?

We're not freaks. grow up sorry shampoo hole because it's your butt hole that's also quite good oh what did my thing say

oh this is it's staring at you while you're naked and you can use its own thing as loop so you're already nude and it's its own loop like it's all there ready to go at all times but imagine if you started foaming at the asshole you'd have to have a colonoscopy

if that happened no they'd be the last person that needed one you'd already be so clean so should I just just do that. Okay, the video I was going to show you. Yeah. It's this girl and she's just woken up from being put under from the colonoscopy. So she's like, oh my God.

I know the video you're talking about. Do you? I think so. And she just goes, now how wasn't? She goes, oh, it was fine. I asked the doctor like, is it real clean? And he's like, yep, all good. And she's like, so it's like the perfect time to do anal.

And the doctor's like, I guess. And I'm. I've seen that video and the comments aren't like, what a funny video? They're like, it's actually the worst time because you've just had a procedure. I'm like, okay, we know. No, I didn't know.

Now that you mention it, of course, but at the time I was like, of course, you'll be cleaners, let's roll. Well, we can. You can cover my ass after I've had a colonoscopy. God, it's like when you move into a house, you need the first bit of furniture.

Yeah. No, I'll have just cleaned it out. It's going to be lonely in there. So I did, since we mentioned it the other day, I watched the Retton Link when they got colonoscopies together. Love it. I don't think we should do that. What?

Because I watched the video in his fact. What? How much do you see? They're like, because you're so heavily sedated. Yeah, it's like a, they call it like a Twilight.

Oh, but then they bring him back up and he's just like, blah, just talking stuff. And then like, I was like it was confronting how, close he was to being unconscious while still being conscious. Like the eyes just like.

Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, so how did it feel? And he started talking about like, oh, so like I was concerned because we've started doing butt stuff. Hot. Oh. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So we have to remember as well one thing is that. You're looking at a picture of it now. There's a blur on there. on the butt. Someone has to put the blur on. And that's going to be Charles.

So the blur isn't there in real life. Yeah. So we're talking about a room where you and I are there. There's doctors and health professionals and niece and whatever. Are you saying rent and link are better friends than we are? No, no, no. I'm saying that amongst all of that is Charles. That we're all there.

The niece, the doctors, whatever. What of us has Charles not seen already? you know I was like what's going to go what's he showing us you've seen you Charles you have really

seen us at our worst I reckon like Charles was at the hospital with me when I broke my foot like and then Charles and I actually had a bit of a debrief about that the other day because it kind of happened and then we just had to get through

the rest of the year we hadn't really ever debriefed about what that day was like and then he flew home with me and stuff. And I was just like, oh, it was just, you know, it was so crazy. And he goes, I can't believe you didn't cry until you got home. That is impressive. I held it in.

So the second I broke my foot, I was like, okay, I've got to hold this together. Yeah. And then I had like half a tear the day, the night, we decided I was going to fly home because I was just in so much fucking pain. And I didn't want to give up. Yep. And then I was like, I have to hold it together until I get home. How long have you been home?

I shut the front door, sat on the couch and lost it. Yeah. Like fully. Yeah. But I was like, I just, if I get hot. Is it because you didn't want a child to see you like that? No, no, it wasn't that at all. I think it was just that I knew that once I'd gotten home, I could like let it out.

But if I'd let it out any sooner than that, I wouldn't have gotten home. Like, I just would have been a mess. And I was like, keep it light and bright until we get back. So true. What a warrior. What a warrior. And I was, but Charles, I'm like, that is crazy that you did that. That is pretty impressive.

It's like 48 hours that I was like, I just have to get home. I just have to fucking get home. If you had to seen the fucking invoice for that car, you guys went in from the accommodation to the home. That's when I shared my first year. Yeah, that's fair. But we need it, medically needed it. We did. Well, according to us, not according to the travel insurer.

Yeah. Yeah. Shout out to the bank and the travel insurer who really copped it in this episode. No shout out to them. No shout out to them. I really enjoyed booking it, though. Like, he seemed like such a high roller just like calling this up with like two hours to go. And the car, the car was not.

And he stayed with us at the side of the road for ages when they were wheeling the wheelchair out for me to get through the airport. Like, he was such a nice guy. Brad was his name. Shout out, Brad. I heard he loved to chat. He loved to chat. Do you know what he said what we were saying? Oh, let me.

Can I guess? You could guess anything. and it's probably correct. Like, we've been through a lot of topics. A driver in the US happens to be, have a script and wanted to know if you knew someone.

That is so funny. No, actually. He used to be a private investigator, though. So we talked about that for a bit. I don't know. Has he tried to Sally's story? Probably. But, no, this is actually a bit different energy.

So I'm sitting, It was like a sprinter van, like what they use in the real housewives. So we could face each other, but I could put my leg up because it was like an hour in the car. Yep. When we get there, Charles goes in and is trying to get their wheelchair and kind of trying to get assistance to us. And he goes, I'm only supposed to park you for five minutes, but like, I'm in my moon boot. I've got my crutches and I'm sitting on the side of the car. He's like, so if any security come over, they're going to see that you're like, you're currently high needs.

Yeah. It's fine. He's like, so we'll just sit here and wait. And then he tells me about how 10 years ago he broke his leg playing basketball or something. And he goes, oh, and I was so good on crutches. I learn how to like you do everything on crutches. And I was like, oh, yeah, I'm like half fucked because I'm in another world. He goes, I'll fully learn how to do anything on crutches.

I could run on crutches, like with one leg and then the crutches. And he goes, oh, are you, do you need those? And I was like, yeah, the crutches with my broken leg. The crutches I'm holding myself up on in a... For dear fucking life. Those ones.

And he's like, yeah, because I could show you if you want. Like how fast I can go. Yeah. That sounds like a three-year-old being like, hey, dad, watch this. Or like, do you have gangs on your phone?

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm like, yeah. Oh, he's like, are you using those at the moment? And I was like, yeah, Brad. And he goes, oh, I was just going to show you how good I am on him. Like, it was just absolutely bizarre.

Is crutch running, replacing breakdancing at the 2028 games? Brad's in. He's in. Yeah. He'll be at Brisbane, 232. Are you using those? Yeah. Believe it or not, I am, Brad.

Thank you so much. You should have walked into the cockpit on the plane and be like, are you using this? Do you guys need a break or I could, yeah, I'll show you how to do it. I had a dream. I had a dream that I could fly a plane. So I just thought I could give it a crap. It seemed pretty easy when I was dreaming. So how could it be?

Do you need this? It's all on automobile. Anyway, I've really love to see it here from Nick. Nicholas Hadley, who has started the fucking blob. Fuck, yeah. Nick says, I'm running a micro bakery out of my kitchen in Eugene, Oregon. Who's Eugene? It's called Hadley's Kitchen.

He makes like sourdough bread and sourdough products. He said, like, he used to be a teacher. And a bunch of his students kind of said, like, oh, you're such a good baker. You should, like, go on a competition or you should bake more and whatever. And they encouraged him to take this up as like a business or like a proper hobby. And then he went on the great Eugene baker. off. Very funny, the Great Oregon back off.

And he said it's been a dream of mine since I was a little boy. Like, there's heaps of photos of me as a kid with like my easy bake oven and stuff. Fuck, yeah. And he's like, I don't know where it will take me, but it's providing me with a ton of joy. And I just love to see it. He's got an Instagram. We can pop it in there, show notes and whatever. But he made a good point.

He's like, oh, it's hard with Instagram because like, you can't smell it. There's a. There's a. that is not what he said, but it is a good point. Like, check out this bread and smells fresh, does it? He's like, it's hard because there's a lot of things you can't do on Instagram until you reach a certain number of followers. Right.

Like, you can't do some, like, you can't register as a business or whatever. And he was like, so, I would just love it if, you know, we've got a few more followers. He's like near and far because, you know, it helps out. Yep. We'll pop the handles up and stuff, but it reminded me as well that, like, even if your friends are starting a new business and whatever, if you don't really have the cash to support them, liking and following and sharing shit, it costs nothing, but it really could help someone. So I also, as a sub, you love to see it, thought that that was a really nice, like, thing to remember. And Tony has more followers than me on Instagram, so if you'd also like to follow me, that would be great. Give him a, give this little boy a leg up.

He's at the early stages of his career. My love to see it is from Erica Steele Hi Erica Can we just bring it up on the screen It is It is a butter knife That says spread me

It's got this engraved in it It's a beautiful Like it's like a knife You'd get out of When you're married or something That's a nice knife Spread me like the buttery slut I am That's a nice knife

And it's been beautifully like Engraved with nice calligraphy Like cursive writing And don't you just love to see that I like that. Where did she get that from Etsy or something, probably? Well done. That's Eric.

And thanks for sending that to us and bringing that to our attention because... That's very on brand. Yeah. You know how you say we said Tony and Ryan... Beach trolleys? Beach cart. What about like Tony and Ryan engraved cutlery? And it's like, the butter to my bread or like...

I like it. I'm just... Might just be stealing that idea, I guess. No, we're remix culture. Yeah, it's... Yeah, it's a, it's a inspired by. Inspired by. We're scorch and.

Scorchance. So true. Yeah. That's our motto for the week. I like that. The buttery slut I am. Not the best R I've seen in cursive on buttery? Nah, that's how you do it, cursive R.

Oh, they need a lift. No, that's how you do it. How good denou's an all-in cursive script, though? Don't they get you going on. Oh, with the loop on it? Yeah. I like that B, the loop, the two loop. Do you know what I think is hella fucking fair?

when a word has two T's in it and they don't go, they go, ah, fuck. That's actually made me a bit hand-dancy, I'll be very honest, because I just think who has the foresight to not do one at a time, but you just go straight through. I actually so agree. I'm horny for cursive. I wish I had have given Mabel a name with two T's in it just to do that.

So that every time, You could just go like double T, one line, all good. Oh, my niece called Hattie. Oh, yeah, or like Matthew. Oh, the double T into the eye. Stop it. Double Ting to the eye. Because it's like, shim, shim, shim.

Like, it's like a little one. As ridiculous as that was, it is actually accurate. So if that's really great, I'll tell you what would be really shit. What? Listening to two people describe calligraphy on a podcast. While I move my finger in the air. Sorry, everyone. But you just imagine it.

You don't even need to see it. feel it. Two else gets me fucked as well. I know it doesn't have the shoe between it, but they're like that. Oh, shipper. A shipper? Yeah, super, super, super. Tomorrow on the show, I've got normal or nah.

Fuck yeah. And, um, oh, a juicy daily mail hook. Tony has been dumped. Details tomorrow in the daily mail exclusive section. Looking you through. Also, the daily mail exclusive section can fuck off. I'm not paying for any of your bullshit. Oh.

just tell me what it is like I understand a paywall we have a patron it sounds like you don't get it but like it just sounds like you don't though do you know what I think it is is like and actually the patron is a good good reminder for us

to shut the fuck up being positive about paywall oh you know what I'm about daily mail the paywall do you know what I think he's really positive for art like the daily mail group UK and the AFR Love you. We're back tomorrow. Find out who dumped me. Bump, bum, bum.

It was a double L. Find out who dumped in my ass. Sorry. Dump you come in my bum. See you tomorrow. Pump and dump in my rump. That's today's episode title. That's today's episode title.

YouTube will cancel our account. Pump and dump in my rump. Are people saying that? And no, Charles, Charles, Charles, Charles, can you Google that and see if anyone's ever said it before? Because TM, Tm, Tony Lodge, 2027. Pump a dump in my ramp. There's a YouTube video called Pump My Rump, but not pump and dumps my hump.

Sorry, so, re-band Motown track. You got a pump on dump in my own. Oh, that next channel, band vinyl is called Two Pumps in My Rump. Sorry. Who put the stump in Humpty Dumpty's ramp? Okay. No, we're back tomorrow though. Are we still on?

Still on. Yeah. Pump and dump in my ramp. Pump two. Two pumps in what Tony said. Okay. We're off now. Safe space.

You say whatever you want. We're off now. Two pumps of your stump in my ramp. I'll get, if you don't mind just doing a quick jump before you pump your dump in my ramp. Oh, no. Is that a clump? Who put that in my rump? Oh, it's Fores Gump.

All right, I'm gone. Bye.