Toni and Ryan - Every High School Had This

Episode Date: February 12, 2023

You all know it, you all had it, and Ryan was one of these! Hhahaha love ya!!! Toni xoxox Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the podcast. Over there we've got author Tony Lodge, the captain of the ship, the muscles. I do my best. Ryan here and I am calling. You deserve a bigger pump up than that. Ryan John, about to be a dad, pulls this podcast together, organizes these approvals. I hope they answer because you've got, he's the one who, he organizes them. No, we're going to call and they go, yeah, weren't you supposed to ring yesterday? Yeah, shut the fuck up, Ross. We're calling Ross in Texas. Oh, hi, Ross in Texas.

In Dallas. Dallas, Texas. Is that a Texas accent? Oh, it's ringing. Hello? Hi, is that Ross? Is this Tony? Yeah, it is. Hi, it that Ross? Is this Tony? Yeah, it is.

Hi, it's Tony and Ryan. Hello. Whereabouts have we found you, Ross? What are you up to? I am walking to a liquor store in Dallas, Texas. What are you picking up? Are you having a party or party for one? I need vodka.

I'm making some spicy vodka pasta tonight. Oh, I love a vodka pasta, mate. Because I always got freaked out that it would get you drunk, but it doesn't, right? No, it burns off. It's just the taste you need. It burns off. Anyway.

Well, it depends on how you cook it. Oh, wow. Hey, Ross, will you approve this podcast? Hell, yeah, I approve this podcast. Yes. Woo. This is Ross from Dallas and I approve this podcast. Coming up today.

Happy Monday. Happy Monday. Happy Monday. Beginning of the week. Begin it right with Tony and Ryan. How good was that Super Bowl? Oh, my God. Can't believe the Birds won. Fucking huge.

Nah, they won. Did they? Because of the time difference, a Monday morning podcast actually gets recorded before a Sunday. So the Super Bowl in Australia, I don't know if this is weird for Americans, it's on like Monday lunchtime over here. So Monday lunch is a thing here because you're like,

oh, let's go to the pub for lunch and we'll catch the second half. But like, so I grew up in WA. Yeah. And so my boyfriend would always watch the Super Bowl with all of his mates, but it's on at fucking 6am in Perth. Oh, yeah. So you're eating fucking nachos and hot wings at 4am to watch like the pre-game. Yeah.

Right? And then so they would all take the whole day off work because they'd be loaded in the morning and then they'd go, cool, yeah, I can see you tomorrow. Yeah, I'm fucking coming out of work today. And you might remember that for a live stream, you and I ate hot wings at probably 7 a.m. before the grand final, like the AFL grand final.

Yeah, that was a fresh start. And that was an interesting day. I think the whole day I had like the worst time I ate because I'd eaten all that spicy, like fatty food. Yeah, on an empty stomach. Yeah. And we had that beer cocktail as well. That was shithouse.

So for anybody feeling a little bit fucking worse for wear today, we're with you. We feel you, though. And glad that the birds took it. Good on the birds. How about them, Chiefs? Coming up today, a list of things that seems like a really fucking weird list, but when I read it out, you'll say, yep, every single one of those weird things happened in my high school

because there's like a weird subset of cultures that kids go through and experience, and like I said, it seems strange, but I reckon you'll go, that's fucked. My school 100% had that. Do you know what that makes me think of? That story that everybody had at their school that a girl put a test tube in her vagina and it cracked at the back of science class. You know how every single – like we didn't even grow up in the same state

and we both had that independently. I know. Well, everyone was like, it happened in my school, and they're like, it didn't. It didn't. Shout out to Crystal. Yeah. Well, it was afterwards. Sorry. The first,, it was afterwards. Sorry.

The first flappable Tony. See, are you setting this up, the week up, in a good way by starting? Okay. I have to fly this week. You know that that already gets me rattled. It does. Do you think stepping into someone's car is like stepping through a porthole into their life? Like are they clean and organised?

Are they dishevelled and messy? Are they capable of cleaning up after themselves? Does someone's car say a lot, like the insides and how they keep the car say a lot about them? I think so. Yeah. Because do you think it's a bit like the same as someone's bedroom? Like if your bedroom's like messy.

Do you think? How's the inside of the Audi? Oh, pristine. Yeah. Has it changed since the old Yaris or you've always had a pretty clean car? No, I've always had a pretty clean car because I don't know if this is – you didn't grow up with siblings so this is an interesting question to ask you.

But you know when like you hear somebody say something like fucks them off or that they find something like yuck or whatever yeah and that like sticks with you forever sure so at one stage my sister had like obviously just gotten her license or something and she was probably at uni so she had like clothes and heels and books and water bottles and fucking whatever in her car. And my, like, brother or dad or something were like, oh, like, how can you keep a messy car? Like, it just, like, if I hop into someone's car and their car is messy,

it, like, puts me off and I don't feel welcome. And that's stuck. And that has stuck with me. So now I cannot, like, there is nothing ever in, like, the footwell of my car or anything. Interesting. Like now I cannot, like there is nothing ever in like the footwell of my car or anything. Interesting. Like there's never anything there because, yeah,

I think incepted from an early age that it's something I should be anxious about. So Tarp and Nick. What's the inside of your car like? Well, no, I don't have one. Well, you do. Well, Bridget's got a few cars now. Bart, you've got a car?

Well, Bridget's got a new car and I think I'm driving her old one a little bit. And I think when I've been using it, it's a little messier than when Bridget's been using it. Sure. Because now I take the dog a lot in Bridget's old car. So it's dog hair and a bit of that. Drink bottles, like the lead, a couple of footballs because of BJ. Yeah, a hair. Dog hair. A bit of that. Drink bottles, like the lead, a couple of footballs because of BJ. Yeah. Yeah, a few drink bottles.

Yeah, it's not fucked, but it's not like putting your best foot forward. Yeah, okay. But I've seen some fucked cars. Oh, yeah. And you know when you're in one. And when someone goes, I'll drive you home, and you go, oh, okay, and then you go, you can't drive me home. There's shit everywhere.

Like, there's no room for me in here. Where am I going to put my backpack? So tarp and nick TARP and Nick. TARP and Nick. Is this Nick JR? No, no, no. This is TARP and Nick and we won't say any more because he's talking about his colleagues.

Oh, okay. So him and his colleague are actually chatting. There's some new lunch place in the neighbourhood that's opened up. What a fucking exciting time. Yeah, and so they're chatting about it and the colleague goes, let's drive down there at lunchtime in our lunch break. Yeah, nice. I'll drive us down and we'll go check out the new place.

That's a big commitment at lunchtime, I think, thinking about like driving somewhere. Yeah. Because you kind of like always just go to the closest place because, you know, you don't want to get in your car and fucking fuck around. So Nick goes, oh, yeah, okay, that's pretty exciting. That is exciting, I think. So it gets, you know, it's 11.59, it ticks over to 12,

and they're like, are we fucking doing this? Here we go. We're going to that new lunch place. So Nick gets into his colleague's car and then Nick says, it was an older Volvo sedan. It was dusty. There was some food wrappers on the floor of the passenger seat. And there was a bit of stuff, you know, it was already a bit like, okay, okay.

Do we know the age of the person whose car it was? We do not. Because if it's an older Volvo, I'm like, did they get that from their mum or have they had it for ages? Now that you put it that way, it definitely feels like it's been passed down in the family or they've bought it very second, third, fourth hand. Yeah. So they're probably younger, I reckon.

Well, there's a sentence coming up which may suggest they're pretty fucking young and really not smart. Oh. After we take off a bit, says Nick, I noticed that something looked a little bit off on the dashboard. The gas needle was way below empty. But he didn't mention it or seem concerned. Would you say something?

If I'm driving and there's, like, no petrol in the tank, would you just be like, do we need to fill up on the way? Or not, like, as a dick, but just sort of, you know, in conversation? To you I would because we're friends, work together, colleagues. Best friends? I'm asking. It's a question mark. Well, I mean, if you're suggesting that, then potentially, yeah.

What would your answer be if I said that? Maybe an enthusiastic yes. What would your answer be if I said that? It would be an enthusiastic yes. What would you say? Do you like me more than a friend? Yeah. Like a best friend? Because best friends would mention the fuel. Well, I would because I would take the piss.

I'd be like, bro, fucking like running the gauntlet on that, eh? And you would go, fuck, mate. It's like, I know my car. Yeah. People that run their car on empty. I wouldn't say that. No, but people that run their car on empty go, I know my car. It's all good.

Or, nah, I know that it's got an extra 5Ks when it says it doesn't, you know, that kind of thing. But if I just jumped into someone I work with's car who I don't know, I don't think I'd say anything. But I would be panicking in my head being like, fuck, are we going to break down and I can't get that new sandwich? I'm going to be late back to the office. I've got a meeting in 45 minutes.

Yeah, I'll get in trouble. So Nick doesn't say anything, but he's sort of starting to ask those questions in his mind. And he's suddenly this lunch trip's getting a little more stressy than it probably needed to be. Right. You go, fuck, I should have just got the Mac as it's right next door. Yeah. So he notices that the fuel thing is right down past empty, but then he notices the rest of the dash. None of the needles were moving. The speedometer said we were going zero kilometres. There were no revs per minute, no engine temperature,

not even the display of an odometer was working. I asked him what was going on and he said, oh, yeah, it's just a thing. I think there must have been some water damage. Like, the dash doesn't work. What? Yeah. I became flapped and had 100 follow-up questions. That is so dangerous.

Mm-hmm. But also, as if you're going to invite someone into your car when it's that fucked. It's inviting me into a death trap. Yeah. Hey, man, what are you doing for lunch? Do you want to come and get murdered? Yeah.

Oh, did you want to come to my house for dinner? Yeah, 70 piranhas live there. I don't know. Do you want to come swimming with me? Yeah, I know this place where there's heaps of sharks. Are you interested? So Nick starts getting a bit twitchy. Yeah. Oh, I would be like, oh, my God, that's Nick calling from the office.

Nick's boss's name is Nick. Oh, I think I've got. They work at Nickelodeon. They're all Nick. Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. Yep, I'll be back there in one minute. You know what, bro? You let me out here.

I'll spring back to the office. Could you get me a sandwich? Oh, it's on me. And I give him my card. And then you quit your job and moved to South America. And I'd get him my car that functions and drive away. He goes, so how do you know when you need to fill up with gas if you don't have a thing? Great question. I would have started with how do you know how fast you fucking going dickhead? Well, which question would you like to answer? Actually, let's start with the gas because Nick goes through all of the questions. He's done great research.

Nick, great producer brain. Thank you. He said, I have no clue how many kilometers I've got left in the tank, but I drive to work every day and a few things on the weekend. Before the gas tank gauge stopped working, I used to fill up once a week, so now I just fill up on Fridays. If that was me, I know that you're not asking, but if that was me, I'd get fuel every day because I'd be like,

just in case, like I know that I'm never going to be short then. Yeah, but this is coming from the person who, remember when I was in your car? I'm saying as me. We were 300 metres from your house and you were panicked. You're like, I'm almost out of fuel and you just dropped under half. Yeah, because I just like to be on full. I like to be on F.

Because if empty, if you consider it empty at three quarter, like at one quarter full, then I go, oh, well, one quarter is basically two quarters. So when it gets to half, that's done. That's out. So he just fills up on Friday. Hasn't had any issues since. He drove from Melbourne to Sydney on Wednesday, but that's okay.

He gets filled on Friday. For me, says Nick, the most important question was speed. Thank you, Nick. Yum. And believe it or not, this is only now the best and worst and most concerning and most strangely exciting part of the story. As we're driving down the street, still moving in the car, he looks at me dead in the eye, so takes his eyes off the road

and stares at me in the passenger seat and says, oh, yeah, I played a bunch of Need for Speed when I was a kid, so I kind of just know how fast I'm going at all times. I played Mickey Mouse Mad Scientist. Yeah, I've actually won a fucking Nobel Prize. I've watched a cooking show. Yeah, I could open a restaurant. I've drunk a coffee before.

I could roast my own beans. What the fuck? I think. You don't know. You don't know is what I'll say to that. You don't know at all. In Need for Speed, I'm pretty sure that around the corner you can drive straight and the game tilts for you.

Like I don't even think you need to steer. Until now, I was like, oh, this guy's just a blasé and he is who he is and whatever. But at this moment that I've gone, hang on a second, you're a fucking idiot. No. No. You know when you get pulled, well, you probably don't,

which is a good thing. I don't actually either. But the stereotype of when you get pulled over for speeding and the cop's like, obviously smoking a cigarette. Yeah. Do you know how fast you were going back there? Yeah. You know, they kind of do those ones just to try and pry to see if you knew.

Yeah. Oh, but it's also just to like give them the power. Yeah. And when you were doing like 106 and you go, oh, probably about 100, eh? Yeah. And they go, yeah, I've got cruise control and it was set under 100 or whatever. Yeah. I've actually, I've only been pulled over once.

Yep. And it was like a random license check because I was on my red P plates. Yep. And it was like a random license check because I was on my red P plates. And it was a long weekend. So I think that they were, because in, I don't know if it's a thing everywhere, but in WA it's like double demerits for like long weekends. So to. More fines, more deterrent to not speak.

Yeah. So that you're not drinking and driving or whatever. And yeah, I got pulled over and the guy was like, oh, because you're a P plate or whatever. And he was really nice. But I fucking panicked. I really panicked because I was just like, what if I was accidentally going 100 in a 60 zone?

I wasn't. But, you know, how you just like fucking panic. Do you panic when you see a cop now? I don't know. When you see a cop, you're like, shit, how fast am I going? Yeah, I guess I always check my speed and stuff. But, like, I don't speed because I'm too scared of getting a fine. I never use my phone.

Like, I'm never doing anything wrong. Does Pippa panic when she sees a police dog? She sees a German shepherd. She's like, the cat near my heart. Nick said, as soon as this happened, I was terrified and had to message you right away. I'm really glad that we're people's first port of call when they're in a flapped scenario. That's really, that's like next fucking level.

Do you reckon the army would let me in because I've played James Bond on Nintendo 64? Well, I'm actually a black belt because I played Mortal Kombat. Need me to finish him? Yeah. There you go, bro. Finish him. This is Rastron Doss and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. You can check it out at any time. All of the details are in our show notes. Charlie Lowe, cheers, love you, Charles. Angela Ryan, Mitchell Hintz and Connor Salt. Oh, what about Connor Pepper? I've actually got a story about... Who was the last one? Connor Salt.

Connor Salt is in my... You'll have to see it. Really? Just add that there. You're adding it because you didn't have one? That's nice. Yep. Poor Connor. An afterthought.

Connor Salt. Middle child probably. Yeah. I mean, who cares about them, am I right? Yeah. There's two. You're the youngest. I'm the youngest.

You've got youngest child energy. Thank you. Do I have only child energy about them, am I right? Yeah. There's two. You're the youngest. I'm the youngest. You've got youngest child energy. Thank you. Do I have only child energy? Nah, actually. I know some fucking Carla Contis of only children and you're not like them at all. Nah. That's why I find it so hard to believe.

Do you think it's from being in the orphanage with lots of kids who weren't loved? So it's basically like siblings? You had to fight for attention that no one wanted to give any of you. Sorry. That was dark. Sorry about that. But it is true.

Would you say I fight for attention? I was more just happy being amongst the crowd. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. You're telling the story. None of you wanted any of you, so it was like common ground. I'll have to go back and ask some of the guys. Yeah.

You should see if you can hook up with any of the – not hook up with, but like meet up with any of the – We're my brothers and sisters. Well, yeah, that's what I mean, yeah. I'm not going to hook up with them. It probably came up when you did your Ancestry.com. Ancestry. Ancestry.com.

Sorry. Ancestry. I don't know what that is. Ancestry.com. That's hooking up with your brothers and sisters. Yeah. Well, I moved out of the orphanage when I was nine and a half weeks old, 10 weeks old.

10 weeks is enough to form a bond. It actually would be, though. That's a long time. That's almost three months. Yeah. Quarter of a year. I wonder how the guys are doing. Yeah.

I was in the orphanage baseball team. We used to play against the other orphanages. Did you? Weren't that good? Hard to hold a the other orphanages. Did you? Yeah. Weren't they good? Hard to hold a bat when you're four weeks old. Anyway. Our pitcher was pretty good though. Yeah.

Because we were good at being thrown. It's not good at being caught. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you couldn't find a coach. No one wanted to support you all. and you couldn't find a coach.

No one wanted to support you all. Glad you're here. Glad you got adopted by your lovely mum. Yeah, me too. I do think about my life, though, if I had stuck to baseball. Oh, yeah. I mean, don't you just wonder what would have happened? Yeah. Could be playing for the Cardinals.

Up the birds, am I right? Super Bowl. Yep. Anyway, high school. High school. After graduating that, I moved to a few schools. Yeah. How many of these things did your high school have?

Just a question. And basically, this looks like a list of real random dumb shit. But then I go, nah, all of them happened at Altham High. I reckon all of them happened at Tony's High School. And you, wherever you listen to this podcast, I reckon this happened at your school as well. Do you reckon it's Australia only or is this more broad than that? It's not like yoga's in the canteen.

It's like. Actually, I don't know. If you're from the rest of the world, tell me what feels right. That's interesting, aye. Yeah. And some of these might depend on your uniform or in co-ed schools and stuff, but let me go to the start of the list here. You know what I always think of?

Sorry, but you know what I always think of like growing up? We know so much about American culture because like all the TV shows we watch and stuff. So you kind of like even Mean Girls, right, they talk about the cheerleaders, the jocks, the nerdy kids, whatever. Like it's different. It feels different. But is that also just like an American, like a TV show version?

Is it really like that in the high schools there? I always tell Bridget that in my high school there was no like cool kids. We were just all people. Oh, no, there was definitely cool kids. And then Bridget goes, oh, your school is fucked because everyone's nice to each other and there are no bullies and blah, blah, blah. And she goes, your school is the anomaly. Oh, yeah. No, there was definitely like mean kids and like

cool, but then like cool and nasty and then like cool and don't give a fuck and whatever at my school. But I wouldn't say it's like jocks and nerds and stuff. It's just like some people were hot and thin and they were cool. Because they were hot and thin? Or were they actually cool? Well, they were in the cool group.

Yeah, right. You can tell I've let it go. Anyway. How many of these did your high school have? All right. Number one. Some boy who, no matter how cold it was, always wore shorts. Oh, yeah.

Lachlan Slaney. Where's he now? Yeah. Oh, my God. producer Cam, you not. He changed to my school. You know Lachlan Slaney, was he still wearing the shorts? Yeah, black shorts every time, yeah. I think Lachlan's sister listens to this actually.

Really? Eilish, yeah. Hey, Eilish. Eilish. Yeah, he was always wearing shorts. Can I Eilish you some pants so you can. But every school, right? Oh, yeah, 100%.

Your pants, bro? Yeah, no, I just like the shorts. Yeah. And probably no jumper either. Like was just always wearing like the school polo and shorts. But there's something about the commitment of wearing the shorts that when you see him in a beanie and a hoodie, it's like, you know you're cold.

Yeah. But for some reason, you know it's cold. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But for some reason. You've acknowledged this. You know it's cold. Yeah. But you're still wearing the shorts. Yeah. Some ball stuck in the scaffolding of the gym that was stuck there

in the roof for the entire time you went to that school. Yeah, yeah. So ours was, like, where the canteen was. There was a massive, like, undercover area. Yeah. And there was, like, always a Sharon, like, tucked up in the corner, a, like, red footie. Yeah. Someone's kicked it and gone, fuck, a massive like undercover area and there was like always a Sharon like tucked up in the corner, a like red footie. Someone's kicked it and gone, fuck, that's really wedged in there.

Do you reckon in America it's a frisbee? A frisbee or just like an NFL football. Oh, yeah, okay. That's been thrown or kicked or. I just always imagine it's a frisbee. Don't know why. Yeah, I think also like those little indoor soccer type balls because some kids just booted it while they were playing soccer.

Because they're quite soft. And it just sits in the corner of the gym. Yeah, like wedges itself in there. Yeah. No, totally. Like a dodgeball type. Yeah. No, I know exactly what you're talking about.

A group of boys that made loud sex noises in class and just thought it was fucking hilarious. Yeah, or did the penis game. What's the penis game? Like penis. Penis. Or how loud you can go. Or did the penis game. What's the penis game? Like penis. Penis. Or how loud you can go. Penis.

Penis. You know, on the bar, so in class. I bet you won't walk open that door of the studio because I know there's a meeting. They're doing a meeting. And then just yell penis and come back. No. I'll do it in the cafe later. Penis.

Penis. They're probably on the phone with a big client. Cafe louder. Penis. Penis. They're probably on the phone with a big client. Someone said that when one little boy, and by boy I just mean like teenage little boys, does like a sex noise in class, everyone just laughs and then it's like progressively louder.

Yeah. And then they all just start doing it. Yeah, I think so. It's like when a bird makes a weird noise and all the whole fucking clan of birds goes off. Oh, yeah. And there's a fucking tree basically like recording a fucking symphony outside. Yeah. Yeah. And outside. Yeah. And finally, and this was me, I've been this person

and they're the most smuggest, dumbest fucking idiots. So many things come to mind. But I love this move. And I'm not going to say every school had this. Every class within the school had a couple of people that had this every class within the school had a couple of people that had this down pat the people who perfectly sync their watches to the school bell and would smugly just start packing up 10 seconds before the bell would go and then the teacher's like don't back up yet

the thing hasn't gone and you're like three and three, two, one. And you close your book and you set up. And they're like, don't you dare. Dun, dun, dun. And you're like, oh, sorry, mate. And then just walk out. And the time I'd spend, like, waiting for the clock, like, you're ready to, like. Synchronise your watch. Yeah.

But the power and the smugness that that gave you. I always remember that there was always, like, a classroom that had, like, a slower clock. What? Or a slower clock. What? Or a faster clock. Like a delay or something? Well, just because they maybe weren't synced up properly or maybe at some point the batteries went flat

so they replaced them and it wasn't at the right time. And so it would be running a bit faster. So you'd go, fucking here we go, like into class, and then five more minutes would pass and you'd go, what the fuck was in the bell going? I really need some lunch. And then it would finally go and you'd go, what the fuck was in the bag? I really need some lunch. And then it would finally go and you'd go, oh, well, it's a pie.

See, this is why you can't trust the school clock. No, you can't. And I've always said that. It's a conspiracy. Get your own watch. Set it tight. Sync her up. Did people have that in your school? Yeah.

I was a watch person. Yeah. Yeah. There's a whole chapter about it in my book, actually. Did you sync her up? Yeah. Or no, actually. Oh, my God. What am I saying? No, my watch was set Yeah. Yeah. There's a whole chapter about it in my book, actually. Did you sync her up? Yeah. Oh, no, actually. Oh, my God, what am I saying?

No, my watch was set to- Big Ben? World time? No, my watch was set to mum time. So my mum always had her watch set- What time zone did she live in? Well, now, heaven. Is heaven three hours behind?

69. Where is heaven? Is that between South Australia and Victoria? So mum would always set her watch five minutes fast so that she'd never be late. So my watch was always five minutes fast. Gold Seiko she would wear and it would always be five minutes fast. So hang on.

So say the time now is 10am. Yep. Her watch would say? Five past. Five past. So if she was like had to be somewhere at 10.30. Yeah, she'd get there at 10.25. Well, yeah, but like her watch would say. Five past. Five past. So if she was like, had to be somewhere at 1030. Yeah, she'd get there at 1025. Well, yeah, but like her watch would say, yeah.

But then does it hurt you on the back end? Because then you're getting up and you're like, see you later, miss. Class is over. And she's like, sit down, fuck it. There's five minutes left. That's what I mean. Yeah, so you'd watch and you'd be like, here we fucking go. And then you'd be like, oh, yeah, fast.

Yeah, my bad, my bad. The smartness though. Oh, yeah, fast. Yeah, my bad, my bad. The smugness, though. Oh, yeah, especially when you get it right. And there's nothing better than when a teacher goes, oh, you sit down, fuckhead, and then go, da-da-da-da-da-da. See you at the tea tomorrow, miss. Yeah. It's a bit like, I mean, it's not exactly the same,

but it's a little bit like when you wake up like a minute before your alarm goes off and you just feel like a fucking elite human being. I've hacked the system. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And you go, oh, I've woken up naturally. Might as well run a marathon. I'm a dolphin.

You know, you just feel like so good. Is that how you feel? Yeah. I feel like that way if I've like shaved my whole body and then I get into bed, I'm like. Oh, that's when you feel like a dolphin. Yeah. Have you done that with like the bamboo sheets?

Yes. I think I told you. You slide off the bed. You slide right out. It was after you had feel like a dolphin. Yeah. Have you done that with the bamboo sheets? Yes. I think I told you. You slide off the bed. Slide right out. It was after you had that back wax. Yeah. Yeah, and you fucking almost slipped straight out. It was like rolling over the bonnet of a car in an action movie.

You jumped in and then kept going. I remember when I was sitting on the seat in the studio, I nearly slipped off the seat. It was so smooth. Yeah, well, you gave me a piggyback and I ended up in fucking Geraldton. Anyway, I've got a yellow seat. This message came through on our Patreon from Roxy King Clark. She says, hello, you gorgeous pair.

Tony, I took on your words and I started the fucking blog. Yeah, you did. Or rather, the fucking business. What? On an absolute fucking whim, she says, in November, I started a tour business. I drive tourists off the visiting cruise ships out to see penguins waddling on white sand beaches.

It's a hard job, but somebody's got to do it. Hashtag dream job. Where exactly is this? I'm actually not sure. I'm guessing it might be like, I mean, it has to be somewhere cold. Maybe it's in Melbourne. Like the Penguin Parade of Phillip Island? Yeah, something like that. I can find out.

I've had to take on an extra five drivers as the demand has been absolutely insane. And I've just, oh, it's in London. And I've just crossed the £30,000 worth mark on bookings taken since November. What the fuck? £30,000 worth mark on bookings taken since November. What the fuck?

£30,000 in two months. You love to say that. I've had to turn away about the same amount because I didn't want to overdo it in my first season, which is only October to April. Of course, you've got to hit the peaks. Yeah, and stress myself out. We'll go over with your Audi. I'll take Bridget's Golf.

Cam, you got a bike? You can come in my Audi. Stop turning away the business. We'll be your next round of drivers. Oh, we'll drive people down for you. Yeah. We could get Cam one of those, like, you know, when parents ride the bike and kids are on that little trailer.

The sidecar or the backside car? The backside car and the little girls just, like, on the back fucking eating her crackers. Very cute. Anyway, with six- and four-year-old boys at home, I need to reserve some sanity. So she's had to turn all this work away. But she just wanted to say thank you and you're right,

just fucking start it. Wow. You'll love to see that, Roxy. Congratulations. That's huge. That's sick, Roxy. Yeah. The sidecar back thing.

Yep. When you and Pippa come down to Aunty Linda and David's farm, so Dave's got the ride-on mower. Yep. And so originally the dogs would just like chase him and run around while he's mowing and they're like, oh, no, because it's a bit dangerous. So they put the dogs in the back of the cart

and then he just drives around and like mows the lawn and they're just loving themselves sick. Oh, Pippa would fucking love that. They're smiling, they're looking around, they're smelling the smell. You know, the smell of fresh cut lawn. Yeah, except she does have quite bad allergies, so she'd have to have an antihistamine beforehand, but that's okay. We can do that.

We can organise that. Oh, yeah, she's not really allowed. She's not a good outside doggy. No, she is. She just needs an antihistamine. We'll get her a Cytopoint injection before we go down. Yeah, okay, sweet, sweet, sweet. I've got to fucking book that in, actually.

She needs to get that done this week. Okay, well, maybe that's not a problem. If someone could send me a reminder about that. Thank you, Cameron's writing that down. I was going to say, maybe that's an off- pot. If someone could send me a reminder about that. Thank you, Cameron's writing that down. I was going to say, maybe that's an off the pot chat. Yeah, sorry. All right, what would you like to say about Callum Salt? Callum Pepper?

Callum Rice? What was it? Callum Chicken Salt. Callum Salt, yep. Well, it's actually Jared McQuaig's You Love to See It, and he said, my love to see it is Connor Chicken Salt. Oh, I said Callum, sorry. It's Connor.

Is it Connor? What did I say? I said Callum. You've been distracted. Let me, I'm just, Connor. As soon as you mention Pippa on this show. It's Connor, it's Connor? What did I say? I said Callum. You've been distracted. Let me, I'm just. As soon as you mention Pippa on the show. It's Connor, it's Connor. Yeah, I know.

I just got mum-mode. Tony goes to mush. Mum-mode. Connor Salt. Jared McQuake says, Connor Chicken Salt is my love to see it. After hearing you guys talk about Connor Chicken Salt the other day, I was like, I need to try this. It turns out chicken salt is a thing in Australia,

but not necessarily a big thing in the rest of the world. So not only did Jared McQuaig love the kind of chicken salt, he said, I love Shelly Bell, who's a tarper from Australia, who took the time in Australia to go find the chicken salt and then post it from Australia to Canada just so Jared McQuaig could taste it. Oh. I know there's 58 names going on in this story and it's hard to follow.

And Jared McQuaid would be listening to this episode right very now on his forklift and be very happy that he's your love to say it. And we're very glad that you tried the Connor chicken salt because it is delicious. I did see, though, that in Canada there's like an equivalent and it's called like seasoning salt. So that's what I thought you were going to say. But Shelly Bell, she's fucking put all that effort in.

Probably a better, more accurate name as well. Yeah, probably. Do you know what? So you know how we were like, what is in chicken salt? What is chicken salt? What is it? I read the best comment and they said it isn't salt of chicken. It's salt for chicken.

So good. Alright, well you fucking love to see that. See you tomorrow. We're back with... Getting chickens and shaving them down? No, but it's just a really good way of explaining, because you hear chicken salt and you go, oh, so does it taste like chicken chips?

Which it doesn't. It goes great on chips though so does it taste like chicken chips, which it doesn't. Yeah. You know? It goes great on chips, though. But, well, yeah, but it's, I thought that was really good. But it's for chicken. Yeah, not of chicken. Yep. Feather salt. Anyway, all right.

I'll see you tomorrow. We've got some confessions. Is Moroccan salt? Nah, just don't worry about it. Moroccan roll? See you tomorrow. Love you, bye.