Toni and Ryan - Everything's Bigger in Texas

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

Farts and Poos and some editing on the fly. LOVE YA!!!! [USED TO BE VIDEO EPISODE BUT NOT ANYMORE LOL TECHNICAL CHAT]Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. Hello. And we are calling Dina, who lives in Las Vegas. Oh, Dina in Vegas. Where should we go for Dina in Vegas? Hello? Dina! It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Hey, I'm so good. I'm even better now. How are you guys?

We are really good. Now tell us, we always assume that no one actually lives in Vegas, that it's just like a tourist town. You rock up, you go there for three days, you get drunk, you get horribly sick like we did, and then you leave. What is it like actually living there? Okay. Well, I am really like a long-term tourist because I moved here only last year. So I can't say what the local, like, born and raised lifestyle is. But I can tell you I do live right off the strip. There are real people that live here. And it's actually, I mean, it's great, but it's also kind of shitty

because you're dealing with all those people that are escaping the rest of their lives. Yeah. Like tourists 24-7. Your life crisis has gone. Let's just go to Vegas and it'll solve all of our problems and we'll make it Dina's problem. Yeah. You get these random Aussies from out of town sometimes,

you know, they're just fucking up the place. Crazy. Well, that wasn't us because Ryan and I were both diarrhea-ing in our respective hotel rooms. I was diarrhea-ing. I was coughing along. It was very different. Oh, yes, we were too.

Very different. I got a bit of diarrhea, but nothing, like, really bad. But to be fair, I did inject this fuckload of cash into the economy the night before. Yeah, you did. You did your part. Good on them. Good on us.

Thank you. Thank you for paying our taxes. We appreciate your donations. It was pretty. So welcome. You're more than welcome. So welcome. Dina, will you approve today's episode?

I would be honoured to approve this episode. Woohoo! Oh, it was a bit of a gamble. Hi, this is Dina from Las Vegas and I approve this podcast. Happy New Year. Welcome to a video show. Happy New Year. You can watch this on Spotify, on the app, as well as listening to it wherever you're listening.

So thank you very much. Yeah, welcome. As Tony said yesterday, we do have a cheating scandal, I believe, coming up. Yeah. Not the one I thought it was. No, no, no. We've sorted that one out off here. Oh, have we?

Oh, yeah. And I'm going to need some help hiding some bodies. We've sorted it out. I called your mate. What's his we? Oh, yeah. And I'm going to need some hell-hardened some bodies. We're sorted out. I called your mate. What's his name? Billy. Billy, yeah. Yeah, and then Rebecca slash Courtney disappeared.

Rebecca and Courtney both. They both just disappeared. Yeah, the cheating scandal that's occurred in my house. Would you say it's rocked the nation? Well, it will in about 15, 20 minutes. Okay. But it involves a self-massaging device and a computer. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. It will rock more than the nation, apparently. Get your rocks off. Yeah, it'll. Not mine, though. Oh. Yeah.

So. We'll get there. We'll get there. First all. First all. Oh, you're get there. We'll get there. First all. First all. Oh, you're rattled. I'm rattled. I'm rattled.

Sorry. Can you believe I've come to work today with a smile on my face? I'm really putting up a front. Yeah. You're doing a good job. So much going on. Such a brave, strong woman. Thank you.

Turns out you can have it all. Yeah. You can't. I'll be honest. How long into a relationship were you comfortable farting in front of your partner? Or even like acknowledging that you actually poo? You know, like when you first start meeting someone or hooking up and you're like, oh, just off to the, just to get something from the bathroom.

Yeah. Or like, oh, I'll grab the coffee. And you're like, I'll walk off to the, just to get something from the bathroom. Yeah. Or like, oh, I'll grab the coffee. And you're like, I'll walk to the cafe and get the coffee. And they go, oh, come. And you go, no. No. I'm going to use their bathroom.

I'm going to the food court at a local Westfield to fucking let it rain. Yeah, to let it go. Under the guise of coffee. Yeah. And you come home and without the coffee, oh, yeah, no, they didn't have any. Oh, yeah, they'd run out. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Sorry it took half an hour though.

Yeah. And it's now lunchtime. Yeah. But then what? But for you, was there a – and it's not like a moment, I guess, you suddenly – So because Torbs – Because I wouldn't know because Bridget's actually never pooed. Doesn't poo, yeah.

So I had not relatable content for me. Which is just so – this is – like this – I do enough pooing for the two of us is a line she's wheeled out a few times. Which is good. Between the two of us, we go a thousand times a day. Yeah. And she's not going at all. Yeah, yeah.

This is something that I just don't understand because, like, scientists. It is what it is. Yeah. Biology. Like, we obviously all do it and we all need to and it's like whatever. But because Torbs and I were friends, well, we went to uni together and like we were all, there was like across our years of sound, there was 30 of us.

So we were all really close. Yeah. And like it was me, there was only like three girls and the rest were all boys. So we were all. It was pretty lads-y. Yeah, it was pretty lads- only like three girls and the rest were all boys. So we were all. It was pretty lads-y. Yeah, it was pretty lads-y and we all kind of just like were gross. So sort of like you passed that point by the time you even started dating.

So it just was a nothing. Kind of. Yeah. And even if we weren't, I mean like a week into being officially boyfriend and girlfriend, I got diarrhea in my car in front of him and he cleaned out. Yeah, so even if you wanted to be a prude. Well, even if I wanted to be like hot and girlfriend, I got diarrhea in my car in front of him and he cleaned it out. Yeah, so even if you wanted to be a prude. Well, even if I wanted to be, like, hot and mysterious, I don't pee.

Because I saw it coming out of your asshole in the car while you vomited at the Kelmscott train station across from the KFC. You know? Yeah, so you say whatever you want, sweetheart. Yeah. I saw it. Unless I'm the best gaslighter in the world. You didn't see that?

Yeah, there's actually just. No, I don't think that happened. That wasn't me. Who was she? Yeah. Like I then like turned, like the ultimate gaslight. I'm just like, hmm, that must be another girlfriend. Oh, weird.

Yeah, very weird. So I, and I'm just like very open. And so it does, it really doesn't bother me. So I probably couldn't tell you, but like but like a guy used to work with Jase, he like has never, like he never told us or his wife. Never acknowledged a poop. Never. And we were like.

So on the radio show there's specific windows in the, because as a frequent pooper you need to like do the maths because you're like we've got an ad break and we're going into the news. That'll be my chance. I'll have three minutes there but four minutes later. Yeah, so I'll duck out of the studio. Like you need to like precision. And so he just.

He would just never, ever go. And then there were times where we did like a marathon show and we were like, when are you pooing? And he was like, I won't. And he just like wouldn't, yeah, tell us or anything. But his wife, same, like he's like, oh, Lou doesn't do that. And it's just so funny to me because I'm like, obviously, I just can't get my head around that.

Did you claim that on a 16-hour flight from Melbourne to Dallas, Texas, you would not be using the bathroom? I didn't poo. I did wee. I did get up and wee. Sure, mate. No, no, no, but I didn't poo. And I would tell you. You would. That's the thing. We all know about it. So I don't doubt that. Yeah, no, no, but I didn't poo. And I would tell you.

You would. That's the thing we all know about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. STG, swear to God. I wee'd, but I didn't poo. But the poo that I did when we got to Dallas, though, fuck. Yeah, but they're in Dallas. Yeah, everything's bigger in Texas, you know what I'm saying?

That's funny. That is funny. Yeah, put that in a video. Yeah, maybe that's the title of the show. Everything's bigger in Texas. Write it down. Whether you'd like to admit it or not, similar territory, whether you'd like to admit it or not, all humans, according to science,

need to fart 14 times a day. 14? Yeah, which is more than you think, hey. I don't reckon I'd fart 14 times a day. Yeah, but what about the sneaky ones you don't notice enough to read? Are you 900 years old? That's a real old man thing, isn't it? Yeah.

A fart just slipped out. I mean, the other day, what was it, a couple of weeks ago when I went for that run, when I farted the whole way, that was 25 maybe. That's what I mean, yeah. So on average, there was three days worth in that little truck. Yeah. So there's some science in 14 times a day

Yeah Right, okay Do you reckon you fart 14 times a day? I think there'd be like But like say if you had a bigger one Or like a run of ones Yeah Like, you know, it could be 14 little farts worth

Yeah, okay Which might be a big One big one Or if there's like a, you know, some could be 14 little farts worth. Yeah, okay. Which might be eight big. One big one. Or if there's like a, you know, something that'll be a bit of. They peter out. Yeah. Does that count as four or five? Well, I don't know.

Anyway, the science is in about what happens to your fart if you hold it in. Oh. And I guess what I'm getting at is don't be, like science says 14, so just like it is what it is, dog. But that's the thing. Everybody's doing it. Yeah. Why lie?

Well, this science will make you never want to hold a fight in again. Dr. Karan Raj says. Doctor, fellow doctor. Instead of being released, that gas is instead absorbed into the lining of your gut, then into the bloodstream, which gets into the lungs. And so the way the gas gets out of your body is through your mouth and through your breath. Isn't that the most fucking horrifying thing you've ever heard? You know when someone's got bad breath in you?

Fuck, that just smells like ass. Like shit. Yeah, it actually is. Yeah. It's fart coming out of your mouth. And doesn't that sound like something a little brother would tell you? You fart out of your mouth. Yeah.

Yeah, well, you fart out of your mouth, mate. Yeah. Oh, you mouth fart up. Yeah. You know? That is, I mean, it is just harrifying is the perfect way to describe it, as you said. That is like visually when I think about a fart, I'm like, oh,

a green puff of stink. And I'm imagining now the green puff of stink coming out of your mouth. I think they need to do one of those graphics. You know how when COVID happened and the news got really good with the graphics about when you sneeze? Yeah. And it was like this puff. Yeah, the spread.

Yeah. Do one of them with a mouth fart. Yeah. Where's the news guy, the graphics guy at seven? He's been, since COVID, laying pretty low. Any bodily fluid graphics tonight, guys? Nope. Yeah.

See you tomorrow at six. But he's still on retainer. That's what I mean. They signed him on for five years. Use this guy. Yeah. Any bodily fluid graphics tonight, guys? No. Yeah. See you tomorrow at six. But he's still on retainer. That's what I mean. Use this guy. Yeah. Long-term deal. What's the thing called when you suck the poo out? Is that a – sorry.

I was mid-sip of a coffee. Yeah, apologies. No, but I shouldn't be sipping mid-show. No, no, no, no. That's okay. You're actually double parked this morning as well. Because we're talking about poo, so I was like, I will get an ice and a hot coffee. Yeah, I will poo.

Is it colostomy? Colonoscopy? Colonoscopy. Colon cleanse? Colonoscopy, yeah. When they suck the poo out. Don't they fill you with water first and then drain you back? Then drain it back out or whatever.

A girlfriend of mine used to have heaps of bowel issues. Yep. And so she, like, couldn't poo. Right. Oh, she had a little bag? No, no, no. So it wasn't like. Someone listens to this pod is a bag haver.

Yeah, right. And they make little, like, fun fashion bags. They're like, it's gross, but, like, let's make it. But also, like, it happens. Like, it's another thing. Like, it happens. If you're going to have it, may as well make it fun. Yeah.

A friend of mine has diabetes and it's the same, like with the little like insulin pump and stuff. It's like, Oh no, jazz it up. Make it, make it fun. Anyway.

Um, no, no, no. So she didn't have a colostomy bag, but like she didn't poo. So like every like two, three days for a period of time,

she'd have to go and like get it sucked out just to like, I think they were regenerating like her gut bacteria and stuff. Um, anyway, I'd have to go and like get it sucked out just to like, I think they were regenerating like her gut bacteria and stuff. Get started again, yeah. Anyway. I'd love that. Yeah. I would rather go to a place every two or three days than poop every few hours.

Have you heard about that? This isn't what I was going to say, the poo transplants. Yeah, I don't know about that. Well, it's just all that bacteria and it like fully restarts your gut. Anyway, and like, so as I was sucking it out, it kind of like comes out in this tube and they like assess it to see like what it. Do they assess it with you in the room?

Yeah. And then your card declines? And then they do that again. That's the trauma of the thing. Sorry, we've just sucked your poo out into what I'm assuming is like a sausage skin so we can look at it like it's a piece of chorizo. And then we go, oh, thanks, mate. That'll be $1.50 for the service today.

And they go, pfft. I reckon you're paying for that one up front. Pay first. Just to make sure. Put it back in. Yeah. Sorry, it's declined. Well, sorry, bud.

Yeah. Right back up. That's the poo transplant. That's where it comes from. It's the poo that hasn't been paid for. They put it back in. Wouldn't you be shattered if you had a poo transplant or any kind of transplant and you wake up and you go,

I had to go and they go, yeah, we accidentally put your own one back in. And you went, fuck, that was actually the opposite of what I wanted to say. Yeah, yeah. Your lung was pretty fucked and we put it back in you. I remember this crazy story on like Today Tonight or something. Yeah, of course. Yeah, like fucking current affair vibes. back in you. I remember this crazy story on like Today Tonight or something where, um, yeah, like fucking current affair vibes and, um, and there was someone

being operated on, like their leg, and they operated on the wrong one. Yeah, so I've, yeah, that happens apparently. But that is so stressful, and then so my mum was going in for surgery, and my dad, in massive permanent marker, drew all over her, like this knee, like this leg.

Because he was like, I really don't want you to go in there and they just fuck it up. You know, they look at the x-ray upside down and go, that looks like the right one. When I had my hip surgery, they drew with the biggest, thickest sharpie, the girth on this sharpie. Like the ones that they use at JB Hi-Fi for those big sides. It was thicker than a mid-air hot chocolate.

And they were doing these big arrows and I went, what? In case you get the wrong one and the doctor goes, you'd be surprised. She just went, like, imagine the meeting that someone goes, we've done 15 wrong hips. Yeah. Do we need to start drawing on them? Yeah.

What's that? And they go, no, it's not that bad. They do 10 more wrong ones the next day. And he goes, fine. Get me the Sharpie. Yeah. Or they go, we've done 20 this week and only two were wrong. Yeah.

Amazing work, everyone. Bringing the numbers down. Anyway, so my girlfriend that couldn't shit. They do a big drawing pointing to her arsehole. This arsehole. The guy's got it in his nostril going, oh! Oh no! Someone should have put an arrow. Oh, I've broken the cycle.

We won't get to go out for lunch now. They only get to go out for lunch if they don't hit their minimum. Didn't hit my KPI. Anyway, KPI. Hit the anus 66% or more, I believe is the. The correct hole at least 80% of the time. We've done it.

Now we get to go for a palmer on Friday. Fuck me. My girlfriend who couldn't shit. So they sucked the poo out. When we went and did IVF, they tried to put the egg in me. And I said no. This. Sorry. And they I said no. This. Sorry.

And they go, fuck, again. James. Our new rule. James. 70% of the time we put it in the right partner. There's editing coming. Oh, we put it in. We put it in the wrong cunt.

This cunt. Not that cunt. Not this stupid c*** over here I think I'm gonna be sick I literally got black spots In my eyes I can't breathe I honestly

I think this might be This might be the end Oh god Hopefully Brittany or Courtney or Bethany Honestly, I think this might be the end. Oh, God. Hopefully Brittany or Courtney or Bethany or whatever the fuck that chick's name hasn't died because I'm going to need a new co-host because Tony is deceased. Oh, that honesty just in. I can't see either.

All the lights are just blurs. There's just blurs in the studio. Let me sip on my coffee and not shit myself. So my girlfriend who couldn't shit. So myself. So my girlfriend who couldn't shit. So in conclusion. My girlfriend who couldn't shit. Yeah, how is she? That sucks.

She's pregnant. That stupid. Fuck you. Hi, this is Dina from Las Vegas and you are listening to Tony and Ryan. Yeah. and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our favourite champion tarpers over at our Patreon. Tarpers, Tony and Ryan podcast. And all

levels of tarpers actually scrolling along the bottom of the video show if you're watching now. Sorry that what you just witnessed may have your name literally attached to it. We literally just took like a half an hour break to try and debrief and get back to life. What I love is when people see their name and take a photo or a screenshot or something. And they're like, oh my god, I'm on the show. What are they talking about? Don't worry about it.

Yeah. Oh, should I listen? No. I wouldn't. Wouldn't have thought so. It's today's your first episode. Sorry about that. Actually, no, you're fucking it. Yeah. Oh, should I listen? No. I wouldn't. Wouldn't have thought so. It's an Asia first episode. Sorry about that. Actually, no, you're fucking welcome.

Yeah, you're welcome. And I hope that you really enjoyed that. DJ Riddler, good on you, mate. Thank you so much. On the dirks. Alex Herschel, Matthew Swain Barber. Hardly know her. Barbara.

Hardly know her. Underwood. And Becca. Hardly know her. Wallace. I don't know what happened then either, guys. Cheating scandal. Yeah.

A self-massaging device and a computer. Walked into a bar? It sounds like it. Yeah, it does sound like that. A self-massaging device, a computer, and an Irishman. Walking to a bar. Thought the third one would have ducked. That's very funny.

Thank you. That's very funny. Thank you. Hilarious comedian. Tobs and I, my partner, have been together for about ten years. We've been doing it for ten years, officially together for nine. And we live together. We own a house together.

We have a beautiful daughter, our French Bulldog Pippa. Yep. And we're like rock solid, you know, and I don't. Well, so I thought. Yeah, up until now. And I didn't really think that there would be anything that could like really surprise me that could happen. And, you know, when you just see a different side to someone and you go, wow, like that's really not what I expected.

Is it also like, and is it one of those ick things? Like now that I've seen that, I can't really unsee it. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen a different side to you. Yeah, like you've done something that I just didn't think that you would ever do to me. Yeah. Was it propose?

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Come on. I'm doing a serious thing here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So Torbs and I, my partner, we were playing Mario Party on the Switch.

As all serious conversations, that's the beginning of. And I don't know if you, I know you're not a big gamer guy, but like Mario Party, I don't know if you, I know you're not a big gamer guy, but like Mario Party, I don't know if you've ever played it, but it's basically like a board game on the TV. And you like move around and you have to collect items and stars and you like play little mini games. Yep. And it's really silly, but it's fun. And like we'll go through phases where we don't play Switch

or anything for ages. But at the moment, we've got nothing to, like, there's not really anything that we're, like, watching on TV. The tennis is finished? The tennis is finished. Because the tennis was a staple for a few weeks for you guys. Yeah, it was. It was going open.

And, like, can't wait for the Olympics to come back around because that'll keep us going for 200-bit weeks. So you're in a bit of an in-between phase with watching stuff. And we're just like, fuck it. I don't know if you guys are the same. You get burned out and you just watch the same stuff. How many times can you re-watch the same shit? You need something new.

And we're just a bit bored. And so we're putting something on and then we just sit and scroll on our phones. Is it true that you're also off music in the car? Yeah. I'm just like feeling really like burnt out, I think, like you said, by just listening and hearing and watching all the same stuff.

You need a new playlist. Or a new show or a new game. You need something. I need something. Yeah, I feel that too. We're sitting in front of the TV, scrolling on TikTok and Instagram, and I'm like, we're not even like enjoying a show together. We're just sitting here.

And like, obviously everybody does that and it's fine. But I was just like, fuck, can we just do something else? And it's like still screen time, but at least we're kind of like talking about something and like strategizing the thing that we're doing and whatever. And it's like real silly. Anyway, we've been doing it a little bit recently because of that. And we're playing like on a team. So it's the two of us versus another two people.

But the other two people is like the computer. Right, okay. So it's not, yeah. Like it's not playing online. It's literally like, well, it's not AI, is it? It's CPU. CPU. What's that thing called?

But that's computer, isn't it? Computer generated user. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like. You're playing against the game. Playing against the game and it's like a robot. Yeah. Like it's just, it's nothing.

Yeah. And we're playing this part of the game where you do like these little side quests and like you can't die. Like if you don't pass it, you just kind of get to keep going. And so we're just playing this thing. We're replaying, replaying, replaying. And it was really, really hard. Like, we just couldn't pass it.

We were, like, stuck. We were stuck on this level. And it's like Torbz would have a turn. He wouldn't pass it. And then he'd pass it to me. I would have a turn. I couldn't pass it. And then he'd pass it to me. I would have a turn. I couldn't pass it. And we were going like shot for shot of who could.

That gets pretty annoying pretty quick, eh? Well, also like because normally we, so we have this rule in our house and we used to have to do this with my big brother as well because he was really good at games, that it was like you have to pass on when you die or when you've passed like three things in a row. Right. Otherwise, if someone's good. They just dominate. They just like get to keep playing. pass on when you die or when you've passed like three things in a row. Right. Otherwise, if someone's good.

They just dominate. They just like get to keep playing. And you're just sitting around. Well, yeah. And so my big brother, Jamie, would be like, oh, yeah, like pass on when you die. And he would never die. And I'd be like, oh, well, I want to play Simpsons Road Rage, you know?

Yeah. That is such a good game, by the way. I don't know if any. Was that like pre-Grand Theft Auto? So that was. It's Grand Theft Auto but in Springfield? Yeah. Um, that is such a good game by the way. I don't know if any, is that, was that like pre Grand Theft Auto? So that was, um, Grand Theft Auto, but in Springfield.

Yeah, basically. But that was Simpsons hit and run was the Grand Theft Auto one. I was sort of joking then. Oh, and that's a real thing. Yeah. Yeah. Simpsons.

James, did you ever play that game? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so there was Simpsons hit and run,

which was like the GTA, but Simpsons road rage. You which was like the GTA. Yeah. But Simpsons Road Rage, you like had to drive around Springfield, pick people up and drop them off where they needed to go. And it was the sickest fricking game. And it was on PlayStation 2. We like all that Uber driving. Yeah.

So you pick them up and then you drop them off. And it was like you were racing against the clock. Oh, okay. Yeah. I know you weren't like a big video game kid. No, I like racing though. But that kind of thing, yeah. I like racing.

Yeah. Gran Turismo. Mario Kart. Pity. Mario Kart's really fun. Diddy Kong Racing is a bit of fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like those fun little games.

Mario Kart is really fun. Torbs and I are partial to Mario Kart. Yeah. I'll come around and play Mario Kart. Oh, we've got that on the Switch and you put the remotes in the little wheels? Yeah, fuck. That's sick. Yeah, it's really fun. I'm coming over. We should definitely do that. Yeah, we've got that on the Switch and you put the remotes in the little wheels? Yeah, fuck. That's sick. It's really fun.

I'm coming over. We should definitely do that. Yeah, I'll do that. Do you reckon that we could brainstorm, live brainstorm? Yep. Do you reckon we could do that and do a live stream in Patreon of us playing? Is that possible? Is that possible, James?

Yeah. Oh, James is all over it. Cool. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.. done. I feel like torbs bought all the stuff for that to be possible for during the 50 hours. I feel like torbs bought all the stuff for that to be possible for during the 50 hours. I feel like. Bridger's a gamer back in the day. Gamer. Yeah. I feel like Torb's bought all the stuff for that to be possible for during the 50 hour live stream. And then we just didn't do it. And then we didn't do it because like, who could have even done that? Like, there's no way. We were so delirious. We were so fucked.

Yeah. You just couldn't have any more screen time, like concentrate on something. Anyway, so we're having a turn and like swapping time for time and we just couldn't get it. And we've probably been playing this same level for, like, 15, 20 minutes, which is a really long time when every round only goes for, like, 30 seconds. And it's, like, this thing. It's, like, so you're holding the remote like this and you just have to press the button.

That's pretty annoying and tiring after a while, right? Yeah, but also, like like you actually can't really, like how do you do that that fast? Can I tell you a secret? Please. You know how I've been trying to like get 10,000 steps in more days than not? Uh-huh.

I was like getting sick of it because I was like walking laps at night and I was like, fuck, I need to get to 7,000. Yeah. And I know this is a video show and not everyone can see it. So I kind of like. Ryan's standing up just for everyone at home. Oh, so not the same thing at all. I was like, is my phone in my pocket going 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

I don't even think that's how it works. It works on GPS and just like. So I've expended a lot of energy for like. For very little payoff. Oh, two metres. So yeah, two and a half steps. Because I always wonder that if you like had your Apple Watch on, but then you had a wank and you're like-

Yeah. Like does it count that as steps? It does. Oh my- It does. James, oh, so James is a big stepper. Yeah. He comes in every day.

He goes, yeah, I did 40,000 yesterday. I go, mate, how long did that take? Now we know. Now we know. Okay. Just to put it out yesterday. I go, mate, how long did that take? Now we know. Now we know. Okay. Just to put it out there that I, yeah. Yeah. So anyway, and so we're like trying to do this thing and we just,

we obviously like can't beat a computer. Yeah. And Torbs goes, fuck this. And I went, oh my, like, it's fine. Like we're all good. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to beat this fucking thing. I don't think I've seen competitive torps come out.

He walks up the hallway in our house, our home, our beautiful home that we own together, goes into our linen cupboard and gets our massage gum. No. No. No. It's all coming together. And he comes back and goes, he's like holding this thing. He's like, I've got him.

Yeah. Puts it on like the highest setting. Yeah. And just like smashes this button. Yeah. On the thing. And does it work? Not the first time.

Didn't work straight away. You know, a few kinks in the plan. Anyway, and then he ends up like putting the thing down and he gets like the right pressure. And I was like, okay. You just got to hit the right spot, you know, from the right angle. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? But I'm like, am I up for new controller?

Like is this going to break the controller? It'd be worth it. It's worth it. Well, apparently it was. I'll pay that. Anyway, and so he's like got the massage gun and he's like going hell for leather on this thing and he beats, he goes, ha ha, fuck you. To a non-human computer.

To the robot in the TV and he's like, yeah. Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Yeah, and then we had sex. Did you? No, we didn't. No, no, no. But how does it feel to be sharing your life with a cheater? With a cheater.

Well, I just was like, Alex, the fun of this is that we're like. No, that's MacGyver shit. It's innovation. It's ingenuity. It's like whatever you've got to do to get the W, you fucking do it. Yeah, and you know what? It was real. He wanted that for our team, you know?

But it was just the way that he was like, nah, I'm not going to let this robot beat me. I've got this. I respect that. And I think everyone watching will respect that as well. I really hope so. But, fuck, it was so funny. That's so good.

Just watching him throw his toys and literally go and get it, he's like, I've got an idea. No, but you've often said, like Torbz is the smartest person I know. He thinks outside the box. And he did. He's got that engineering mindset of like there's a problem to be solved and I'm going to figure out a way to solve it. And we've just got to do it.

Yeah. I respect it. Yeah. And yeah, so we passed the level. We've moved on to a new point. And we're all happy for you. Yeah. Thank you.

And just let everyone know, actually, in the episode thread in Facebook, I reckon if you just, and you being you listening, write, I'm fine with Torbs cheating, and don't leave any... And the people that haven't listened yet will be like... Fine by me. People will be like, oh, well, I have to listen to that one. But what do you mean it's fine cheating? Yeah.

I've got to love to see it. Oh, great. Luke Brewst is one of my... Hey, Luke Brewst is one of my favourite football players. Plays for Hawthorne. My team. Yeah, our Hawks. How about them Hawks? Yeah, he's won three premierships, kicked over 500 goals,

twice All-Australian, five times Hawthorne's leading goal kicker. Wow. His beautiful wife, Anthea, is pregnant with their first child. Oh, congratulations. They put it in the right. Yeah. We're talking about one of my favourite footballers. Sorry.

But I don't know if you know this or if it's in other sports or whatever, but in AFL there's a thing called the father-son rule. And I think since the women's leagues came in, it's just called like the parent-child rule. Yeah. Whereas Hawthorne gets like first dibs if the kid wants to play for AFL. Oh. Yeah. So the Dacos boys who won the premiership for Colling kid wants to play for AFL. Oh. Yeah.

So the Dacos boys who won the premiership for Collingwood, they play for Collingwood because their dad did. Because their dad did. And it's just like a real like family, you know, like you get first dibs on their. Is it hell embarrassing though if they go, nah, you're right. Like Josh Dacos' dad is like, yeah, we're fine. Nah, we're good.

Nah, you can play for literally anyone else. You can play for Freo if you want. Yeah, all good. I mean, people. Gold Coast Suns? Nah. Not everyone makes it to the top, but it's just like, No, you can play for literally anyone else. You can play for Freo if you want. Yeah, all good. Gold Coast Suns? No, not everyone makes it to the top. But it's just like, if you want, first dibs, all good. That's quite cute, yeah.

So when Luke Bruce, my favourite player, they're like, oh, she's pregnant. I'm like, oh, good for you guys as a family. But I'm like, but future Ryan is like, that's good news. Yeah, it's like you're putting like a, it's like the long. The long game. Yes. The long game, yeah, yeah. So with the season about to begin. Yeah, and I like you're putting like a, it's like the long. The long game. Yes. The long game. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So with the season about to begin. Yeah, and I can't wait. Can't wait. And a baby on the way. Luke Bruce, like pretty busy, eh? Oh, I can only imagine. Check your phone. Oh, it's a video.

G'day, Tony. Luke Bruce here from the Hawks. I heard a little rumour that Ryan was able to convert you across to the Mighty Hawks, so I just wanted to welcome you on board. Hopefully we'll see you at some of the games during the year, and yeah, exciting times, young group. Hopefully play finals again soon. Enjoy. My boy Luke Bruce welcoming you to the family club.

And it's an absolute pleasure to be here, and I've never cheated in a game ever in my life. I'm an honest woman. Yeah, now you are. And I've always said that. Yeah, you've always said that. Sorry for what I said about your life just before. Yeah.

Hope, Anthea and Bub are doing really well. Yeah, well, they will be when Bub is born. Yeah. Oh, but Bub's cooking. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I want to make sure that you're here. Great, great, great, great. Oh, Luke, they will be when Bub is born. Yeah. Oh, but Bub's cooking. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I want to make sure that you... Great, great, great, great. Oh, Luke, mate.

I mean, yeah, beer's on me next time, mate. Yeah, well, he's actually busy being a professional athlete, so maybe the Gatorades. Water on me next time. You can share my Frank Green if you want. Yeah. Now, I know you love to see that, but do you also have you love to see it? I do, but...

Actually, can I just thank you to the Hawthorne Football Club for sending that through? That's really... Who did you call? Anthea. Yeah, can I just thank you to the Hawthorne Football Club for sending that through. That's really – who did you call? Anthea. Yeah, you called his name. You got a sex-made hug. No, as you know, I kind of got offered a job with the –

as a full forward, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The tight end. Tightest end I've ever seen. A few of the Hawks guys listened to the pod and they went, oh, we can sort something out for you. So thanks to Ashley and the team as well thanks Ash

good on ya my love to see is from Jean Luca posted this sent it through sorry in Patreon hi Tony and Ryan I've got the best

you love to see it fuck yeah is it better than that don't think so oh well it's not a good condition I just had to share I'm a crafter

and today I participated in my first craft fair ever and did really well. Fuck yeah. I was feeling really, really proud of myself, and I got home and I was like, oh, this day just can't get any better. Then my husband came up and said he had a surprise for me. This dick. No, it wasn't. And handed me a copy of Tony's book, which this is not that you love to see.

I'm just saying, like, this is really sweet. Big main character author energy. No, but Jean says, I've been talking about wanting it for ages. I'm snuggled up under a blanket. I'm getting ready to start reading, and my husband is picking up Mexican food for dinner. I'm sorry. Don't apologise.

But is that not the most Tony Lodge day you've ever heard? Craft my own fucking book that I'm on the cover of and Mexican food. See you later, Gene. Are you trying to steal my life? Yeah. What are you about to say? You love the Hawthorne Hawks as well? Yeah.

Yeah. What's her name again? Gene. Well, Gene, where's your fucking video from Luke Bruce? Well, Gene's last name is Luca. Gina Luca Bruce. Gina Luca Bruce. Gina Luca Bruce. But that's love from Jean from New York.

So thank you so much, Jean. Thank you, Jean. That's a really sweet story. And if there's one thing I know about people from New York is they're all talking about Luke Bruce this year. Yeah. I mean, he's the favourite to win. Yeah.

Everyone's favourite Australian of the year. Yeah. Is that what you said? No. No. All good, though. All right. Well, love you, Luke.

And thank you very much for listening and watching. Sorry that we did go off for hours a little bit, but actually not sorry. Not sorry at all. Why are you here? Yeah. Oh, I just realised that I'll have to send this episode to the Hawks team and they'll have to hear that bullshit at the front. We'll get James to just clip that bit out.

Yeah. We'll just send them an MP3 of that last bit. Yeah. And we'll edit out the joke about the wrong hole. Because obviously that was just a reference to the other joke from earlier. Which one makes sense on its own. Maybe they'll like it. Maybe they will like it.

That's a good point, James. Yeah, maybe they will. We'll see. Alright, we'll love you. How about them Hawks? Hawks! Hawks! Hawks! Love you, bye.