Toni and Ryan - Eye Masks & Parenting Experience

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

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There's a bit of a scandal going on. Okay. Zach is who we're going to call for approval. Yeah. He's signed on to be a Patreon. Beautiful. Thank you. Well, you have to be a Patreon to be called.

Yeah, and thank you for supporting us. Yeah, thanks, Zach. He's left a note because when I organise, I go, oh, is there anything we need to know before we call? Okay. And usually people just go, oh, looking forward to it. Oh, that's so sweet. It is really lovely.

He said, my roommate and I are both loving this. Oh. Are they on the same account? You know how when you get a Netflix account and you borrow someone else's password? Oh, you think we're going to get two approvers for the price of one? No, I think they're getting, I think they're going halves. I think they're cheap.

The Patreon. Yeah. I thought you meant to get to approve. Oh, well, I'll be fucking asking about that. It's a scandal, folks. We're calling New York City. In New York. Hello, this is Zach.

Zach, it is Tony and Ryan. How are you? Good. How are you guys? We are really good. We have noticed there may be a scandal on our hands that you are trying to pull a bit of a scam. Swift one.

A quick one. Why? Because I know that you're a paid-up patron, and we thank you so much for your support. A champion tarper. Ooh. However, is your roommate getting in on the action using your account for free? No, actually.

He actually is planning to sign up. Planning to. Very nice. Very interesting. Very convenient. Hang on. No, they probably want to save us from a nugget. That's probably why.

He usually, honestly, he listens uh we're in the car together i kind of force him to listen and sometimes i have to turn it off and tony starts meowing uh me too mate me okay the meows are cute people like it tony i start meowing along with you so thank you very much i appreciate that but i i you know i I have a scandal for you guys, though, too, because I was listening to one of the old episodes today, actually, from, like, September 7th, where Tony was kind of talking about how The Quiet Place was a shit movie. And I was actually an extra in the sequel that came out.

So you kind of hate a movie that I was in, Tony. Well, no, I actually never got to the second one because the first one was so shocking. Zaxx creative endeavors aren't good enough for you, but here's a good enough. No, no, no. Well. Ours are good enough for him.

What about this? What about now I will watch the second one because our mate Zaxx in it. That's good, right? I'll do that. A Quiet Place 2. A Quiet Place 2. A quiet place too. Where was that filmed? Yeah.

So I'm originally from like Buffalo, New York area, but I live in Virginia now and a lot of it was filmed up there. So you're from New York. So like do you like six in the city? So like near Niagara Falls, New York. Oh, New York State. Yeah, right. Right.

I don't get it. Are we going to have to explain this to you? What is it? So New York City is like a city, but the state of New York is massive. And thus you could live in New York State like Buffalo up near Niagara Falls, practically Canada. Yeah. And you're still in New York though.

But people just assume. Oh, it's just a city. Yeah. Central Park, et cetera. Is that in New York? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, it's just a city. Central Park, et cetera. Is that in New York? Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm sorry about this.

I'm sorry. I've never been to America. Zach, I'm sorry about all this. Never been to America. I can't afford it. I'm sorry about all of this. Can't afford it. Thank you for being here.

You're coming to America, though. Yeah. Yeah. I can't wait. I'll go all over upstate New York. Yep. Tony is Eddie Murphy. I don't get it.

Oh, Zach does. Everyone else does. Okay. Well, I'll just go fuck myself. I don't get it. Oh, Zach does. Everyone else does. Okay, well, I'll just go fuck myself. Okay, I hate it. Zach, do we get your approval to do this podcast? Of course you guys have my approval. Amazing. And, Zach, I do have to ask, are you the Zach whose name I always fuck up?

Your last name? Yes. What is it? So it's Nemec. You said it right the very first time you said it and then you said Nemec every other time after that. I just thought it was really funny. I'm sorry. I remember seeing your DMs and your comments and being like, Tony Westbox, not my name. And I was like, how am I getting this wrong?

But now I know. Now I know. So it's fine. I can do it right from now on. Hey, this is Zach from Virginia, and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. I'd just like to say again that, Tony, your hair looks really great. Oh, thank you. It's very humid outside today, so it's gone a bit frizzy. A fray a little bit, is that how you'd say it? A frizzy, maybe.

Yeah, okay, great. And how long since you'd had your hair done prior to last? Like seven months. Yeah. Yeah, it was a lot. But are you feeling good? You're looking good. Oh, it makes you just feel so much because my hair,

and you have the same problem as well, both of us have really thick hair. Real thick. So when it grows out, it's not just that it's like a bit ratty on the ends or like the style grows out. It's heavy. It actually is heavy and really thick and it gives me like psoriasis on my head because my scalp like can't fucking breathe, which sounds so dumb but it's a real thing. It sounds dumb but I 100% get it. Yeah. psoriasis on my head because my scalp like can't fucking breathe.

Which sounds so dumb but it's a real thing. It sounds dumb but I 100% get it. Yeah. And for the first time in years, my face is breathing. Your face, yeah. Breathing. So does the beard get a little bit how you're going after a while? Like itchy and weird? Yeah, just a bit fucking how's your father?

Or maybe I'm so used to it. But I did used to, and Lauren, who I work with, she said, you often when you think like scratch your beard and it's a real kind of go-to for you and now like what are you going to do? And I've noticed myself go to stroke my beard and then touch my clean face and be like, oh. What's that? Yeah, and be shocked by it.

I do that with my glasses. So I push my glasses up like this all the time with my like full hand. And then you're fingering your eyeballs going, oh, usually there's glasses. So I push my glasses up like this all the time with my, like, full hand. And then you're fingering your eyeballs going, oh, you should have glasses. Yeah, and then if I don't have my glasses on, I'll, like, just, I can't fucking say anything right now, but if I don't have my glasses on, I'll, like, just go like this, like, tap myself on the face. But coming up, Tony, did something happen at the hair, what happened? Yeah, so on the hairdresser, I need to ask you a question,

am I alone with something? Because she's told me something's really weird that I do and I don't think it is, but I think you might do it too. Okay, we'll get to that shortly. Now, though, I want to know if, is your partner absolutely capable but totally useless? Okay. For example, last week, and a lot of people got revved up

about hearing Torbs go to the supermarket. Which really validated me, because I thought everyone was going to say I'm a fucking bitch. Well, they didn't say you weren't, but they agreed with you nonetheless. Yes, thank God. Yeah, could have really gone the other way. Is it fair to say, though, in some aspects, probably many aspects of Torbsz's life, absolutely capable.

I'm sure at work he's a gun. He fixes the synthesizer. You know what I'm trying to say. He sold us his own Eurorack synthesizers. If anyone's interested, you can Google it. But just going across the street and picking up some bread rolls? And Torbz actually does, like, all the cooking in our house. So if anyone's going to be an authority on what to buy

from the fucking supermarket, it actually should be him because he's the one using it. Do you know what I mean? Sorry, you've rocked the boat again. Let me play you, because I work at a radio station. I wouldn't even call what I do is a show. It's more of a shift. Yes.

Lots of music, giving away little prizes and stuff, just keeping the momentum and stuff, but it's not a big show, so to speak. But I want you to just have a listen. This happened actually yesterday on my shift, and it seems cute and innocent, but it triggered me. Okay. Because you're about to hear someone who's probably absolutely capable, but totally useless.

And I'm not talking about the guy on the phone. I'm talking about his wife in the car next to him. Have a listen. K-I-I-S. Yeah, now I've got a call here from Torquay. Jordan, are you calling for the skincare pack? Mate, my wife's sitting next to me and I thought, you know what? I better win her something good.

She deserves it. Did she make you call? I know when I have to order pizza or something at home, my wife will be like, no, you have to call. You have to call. You call them. All right. Well, I am sending you a $200 Synergy skincare pack.

Well done. Oh, you're a legend, mate. You'll be so stoked. Happy wife, happy life. You have a good one, all right? Thanks, mate. Really appreciate it. You're welcome.

All right. Now, back to us now. First of all, I hate the fact I said happy wife, happy life. Yeah. I hate that. Yeah. You sound hot on the radio. Thank you.

Yeah. But what I really hate is that his wife is sitting in the car. You can hear her. And she goes, hey, I want that prize. And he would go, oh, well, you should call. And she goes, no, I can't call. Yeah. You do it.

So Bridget, my beautiful wife who I love dearly. Yeah. In her time, used to be a winemaker. Now she runs the laboratory at a brewery. She makes beers. It's very cool. Really cool. There were stages where, you know, like when the chief was working

because some wineries have a chief winemaker that's the chief of like four or five different wineries for the whole company. And it's up to Bridget to actually run the specific one that she's at. And I'm talking, you know, millions of litres, millions of dollar production she's ordering, sending it to China, speaking to the people. Yeah, it's a big job. It's a big, big job.

She has to taste a lot of stuff and make sure it's like, what's happened there, mate? I think the mouse just fell off the desk. Oh, my God, little mouse in the house. Anyway, thanks for that. Sorry about that. But she has to taste it and, like, my God. Little mouse in the house. Anyway, thanks for that. Sorry about that. But she has to taste it and, like, make sure it's on track and stuff. Like, it's a big operation.

So she is absolutely capable of doing that. But if I say, oh, yeah, we'll get some pizza, can you just call the place? She has a phone call paralysis. I can't. Yeah. Or if there's. I've actually seen this happen.

Have you? Because she goes, can you call them? And she's not a baby voice person. She's not. But she just goes like, oh, can you do it? It's like it's the most impossible task of all time. Like pick up the phone like, oh, they didn't answer. So if we're, even if we're picking something up,

maybe we're picking up pizza. I don't want to make it sound like we have pizza all the time because that's the only examples I have. But if we were going to pick up the pizza and we were both in the car and I'm like, oh, can you just run and grab it? Like I'm driving and she's like, oh.

How can someone run a multi-million dollar winery but can't walk inside to go, two pizzas for Bridget? Yeah. Because she's like too shy and embarrassed. And she's like, oh, it's just not my thing. And I'm like, every day at work she's running a team

that has eight blokes in it that are older than her and she's like, Gary, need this from you. You, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Gets it done. She is a professional. Yeah. Why can that not carry on in the home? Yeah, I know.

So the other day, because I've shaved my face. Yep. Why can that not carry on in the home? Yeah, I know. So the other day, because I've shaved my face. Yes. And you saw straight after I shaved, skin very agitated. Yeah, it was very red and sore. My face hadn't felt a razor for literally a decade. Yeah. Even when I had a shorter, it was still like with the little. Yeah, like a trimmer, not like straight onto your face.

Yeah. So Bridget's like, well, maybe I'll do with the little. Yeah, like a trimmer, not like straight onto your face. Yeah. So Bridget's like, well, maybe I'll do like a little face mask, you know, like I've got some stuff and, you know. Oh, that's cute. Because Emma's skin was so dry and the skin under the beard hasn't seen air. Oh, you've just been so sensitive. Yeah.

So she's like, let's do a little mask. I'll take care of you and stuff. That's really nice. Beautiful, beautiful. And that would have made you feel so loved as well. You know when you do little things like that for your partner and you just go, that effort is just really nice. Beautiful, beautiful. And that would have made you feel so loved as well. You know when you do little things like that for your partner and you just go, that effort is just so nice. She's not a fan of the clean face, but she knows it's for a good cause

and she's supportive. And this is how she supports me by helping my skin and doing these things. Beautiful. So she puts the face mask on me and it's the one that peels like the blackheads and stuff. Oh, yeah. And it's black. So it's a clay mask?

Sure. Yeah, sure. I don't know the terminology. There's a knock on the door. Yeah. It's our friends from, where do I get the food from? Flying Zucchinis. Flying Zucchinis, yeah.

They're like a local place around you. They do like fresh fruit and vegetables and stuff, yeah. Bridget goes, can you get that? Get fucked. No, I can't, Bridget goes, can you get that? Get fucked. No, I can't, Bridget. I've actually got a face mask on. Can you just... Take care of this one, babe.

Just walk to the door and go, literally all you need to do is go, thanks, guys. That's all you need to do. And she's like, oh, I can't. Oh, fuck off. So I was like... And it just pisses you off, right? Because you're like, right now

I actually just need you to help me. And I know you're so capable of walking to the door and opening it and saying thanks. But you're refusing to do it. So I walk over to the door. Were you fucked off at this point? Or were you just to be like, ah! That's a little bit fucked off, but again, I'm

annoyingly used to it. And I was like, of course you're not going to get it. Yeah. I open the door. There's an African-American man with my box of fruit. Yep, and vegetables. Yeah. Yeah. He sees a white guy in blackface.

Not great. Not great. Yep. And then does it make it better or worse that I tried to explain? Well, surely in that situation you just go, oh, sorry, I'm just doing a face mask. Ha, ha, ha, thanks, mate. But does even me saying that just make, like,

the fact that I felt like I needed to say that? No, because I think that no matter what colour the face mask was, no matter what, I would have been like, sorry, just doing a face mask. But I feel like if he was white, I wouldn't have gone, oh, it's a face mask. Yeah, that's probably a bit weird. I also don't think that that would have been the right face mask for you to do with that fresh skin.

It wasn't the first day. Oh, okay, okay, okay. But there's been many treatments. Sorry, sorry. I was just like, oh, I don't think she's putting the right one on the face. Okay. But there's been, there's been many treatments. Sorry. I was just like, oh, I don't think she's putting the right one on the face. Um, how does my skin look now though? It does look lovely. It looks great. Um, I think that you probably didn't need to overreact that way, but you probably were just so caught off guard. Cause you were like Bridget,

as if you couldn't have just gotten the fucking door this one time. And then because there was, you know, an obstacle in the process that would have just made you more angry. It threw me. Yeah, exactly. It threw me. Yeah, I can understand why you are doing that because it is really annoying. So my boyfriend, Torbs, he can't drive. He doesn't drive. Right.

So you have to do all the picking up. I drive everywhere. And like on the weekends, if I'm like, hey, can you go to Coles and grab some stuff? He's like, oh yeah, I'll just walk over. I'm like, well, yeah, you will because you can't fucking do anything else. Like I don't know. We're going to catch a tram across the street. Yeah, like what are you going to do?

And that makes – because he could go and get his licence but he won't. Because you can drive. Yeah, because I can do it. And he's like when I've said, hey, like do you think you will get your licence? Like what's the go? And he's like, but I don't, hey, like, do you think you will get your licence? Like, what's the go? And he's like, but I don't really need it because I just, like, catch the tram or walk everywhere.

I'm like, but you actually don't. You don't do that. You make me drive you. Because I drive when we go and do something. Who drove him today? You did. Ah. No wonder he doesn't need a licence. Yeah, exactly, because Ryan or Tony can fucking take him

wherever he needs to go. All right, now let me just put a note down for next week's shows. Torbs, driver's license, Tony, everything okay, dot, dot, dot. Please, we mentioned your hair before. Yeah, so last week, speaking of not having a boyfriend that can drive, I had to get an Uber to get my hair done because it was in Pran and there's no fucking parking there. Anyway, so I went and got my hair done.

I caught up with my hairdresser. Looks great. Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm really happy with it. I would. Thank you. You would have when my hair was shit anyway.

Truth bun. So I've lived in Melbourne now for like three, four years, and I've actually been seeing this girl the whole time I've been here. Hairdresser? Yes. Yeah, sorry. Brickhell is her name. Brickhell.

And so. It's like Rickhell, but with a brick. Sure. Okay. Do you ever watch that show, Ricky Lake? Did I? Yeah. That show was fucking awesome.

It's so good. It was like a talk show. Yeah, 11am when we would have been real young. Yeah, Ricky Lake. Ricky. Ricky. Ricky. Ricky. Anyway, so I, Ricky like, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky.

Anyway, so I've been seeing this hairdresser. So when I first moved to Melbourne, I got recommended to go to the place that she worked at and she did like half of it. And so I saw like three girls that were all working at this hairdresser, no matter who was kind of available. But I've been seeing her for a while. So every time I go and get my hair done, it's like a proper catch-up. Yeah. She, like, listens to the podcast.

She's super supportive of, like, everything that I do. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, and anyway, she's just recently, like, gone out on her own and is renting a chair in another salon. And you follow her? Yeah, so I went to. Right, because you're a supportive customer and you guys have a relationship.

Exactly. And also because we record the podcast on Saturday and I have a nine to five job. Yes. So I can't get a hair appointment very easily. Yeah. And she actually opened the salon for me on a Sunday. Just for you. Yeah.

Oh, Tony, you are special. Yeah. Hey, you followed her to a new place. Yeah. And like I paid. Yeah. And she's returning the favor going, hey, you're a loyal customer. new place. You're supporting her business. And like I paid. Yeah, and she's returning the favour going, hey, you're a loyal customer.

Let me work around you. You're really busy at the moment. Let me fit you in on a Sunday. Exactly. And she's, you know, booked me in for the end of December on a Sunday again. She's like, of course I'll open the salon. Like, awkward.

And I'm paying. It's not as if I'm like going in and just makes rates or something. Yeah. So anyway, I'm going in there and we're like cranking the music, we're like chatting, just like, you know, messing around. It was only the two of us. Anyway, and I was saying that because my hair has gotten so long and so thick, I've just been putting it in a top knot on top of my head.

So for anybody watching a video right now, if this is like we've cut a reel or something for this week, this is the first time I haven't had my hair like in a bun because it was just so thick and so long it just needed to fucking pile on the top of my head and get out of my way maybe that's why it i was so because i'm often that guy that like doesn't notice straight away yeah uh and so maybe it's not just the cut but the fact you're actually wearing it out is like oh wow, wow. Yeah, well, because I couldn't style it because it was just long and fucked and thick. Yeah, it's gone. It was beyond.

See you later. Yeah. So I was telling her that I'd just been living with my hair in a bun and I would just leave it because it was just fucking me off and then three days later I'd have to pull it out of a bun and it would take me ages to brush it because it was just so knotty because I'd been like sleeping with it in. And I said, but the good thing is, is that when I was going to sleep,

my hair was in a bun and my eye mask wouldn't slip off my face. What do you? Well, so because instead of it just like being on top of my hair and sliding off, it was like underneath my bun. So it wouldn't. But you sleep with an eye mask. That's what she said. Why do you do that?

I thought that was normal. What? And I can't believe you earlier said, oh, Ryan, you'll get me on this one. No, I will not get you. I thought that you would. I would not. So I sleep. Why do you sleep with an eye mask? Are you on a plane?

Are you sleeping during the day? Do you night shift? That's what she said. She was like, what? Like, she pissed herself laughing. She was like, you've got to talk to Ryan about this. Well, she was right. I sleep with an eye mask.

I have a silk eye mask. I sleep with it every night. And she goes, what does Torbs think about that? What does Torbs think about that? He's got one as well. What? No, he doesn't. Yeah, both of us sleep with a silk eye mask every night.

We're both repulsed by each other that heaven forbid you would look at one another in bed? Every night. Have you ever done it with the master? Absolutely not. That's fucking weird. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's like not a sex thing. It's literally just like the pressure on your eyes feels so nice and it helps you sleep. I fucking, I shit you not, it actually really helps. What do you mean the pressure on your eyes? Does it hold your eyes down? Well, yeah, it does. No, it doesn't. You could have your eyes open under there.

You wouldn't know because it's dark anyway. You could, but you wouldn't be able to like open your eyes with the mask on. Oh, that would freak. I know it's dark anyway and your eyes are closed, but that would freak me out like I've been blindfolded and I can't do anything else. Well, see, that's what I thought before I started doing it but it actually makes so much difference. Why did you start doing it?

I started doing it when I worked breakfast. Breakfast radio hours. Yeah. What time would you get up when you're doing breakfast radio? Oh, like 4.30. So you might go to bed at? 8.30. And in Australian summer it's still light, 8.30, 9 at night.

Yeah. Going to bed when it's still light is just. It's so depressing. It really is. Yeah. So it bed when it's still light is just... Is so depressing. It really is. Yeah. So it started then and you're like, oh, it's not quite pitch black. I need to like almost trick my mind to say it's dark. Well, because Torbz has used an eye mask for probably about six years.

He used an eye mask long before I did. So he doesn't have the breakfast radio hours excuse? No, no, no. He just is like a real night owl. So he would put one on just so that it was like, cool, it's bedtime now. Like I'm going to put my book down, it's bedtime. And when I started working brekkie hours, so obviously like, you know, you've got to be on at five.

You're like ready to go. You're in planning meetings straight away. You're reading the news from the night before and everything. And so he convinced me to try. And were you weird about it at first? Well, I was like kind of the same as you. I was like it's going to feel like someone's trying to fucking kidnap me.

But it's actually great. And now I wear an eye mask every night. And I want to know, am I alone? You are alone. Well, you're not. We were told. But I don't think surely not many people are wearing eye masks just because it's so strange and unnecessary.

Is your house, is your room dark? I mean, do you even know if it's dark? We have, there's like blackout blinds in our room. You've got blackout blinds. Yeah. And you still wear. It's actually not for the darkness, though. The pressure helps.

Having something wrapped around your head helps you relax. Yeah. Is that? I don't know. Maybe I should get one of those. Have you seen those anxiety blankets? Like a weighted blanket? Yeah.

I think Ecosa have one. Our mates. Yeah. And you can get like seven, nine or 11 kilos or whatever. And they like weigh you down so that you don't feel like. I would like that. I think I would like that too. Do you and Torb spoon and hug in the night?

No. Sometimes when I panic, Torb lays down on me to calm me down. Really? Yeah. He's like, calm down. And he'll just like lay down on top of me. Yeah. Like forcibly?

Oh, no. If I'm in bed and I'm just like, ah, I just can't relax or whatever, he'll just be like, Tony, calm down, and then he'll just lay down on me. It's quite nice. Okay, that's probably more fascinating than the mask. Okay. But I'll let you talk about that for next week. Next week's getting busy already.

Yeah, fucking hell. So. Do we spoon in bed? No, we don't. Even when you get into bed, will you hold hands or just rub a bath? Oh, yeah, we'll have a little snug, but we sleep with our own doonas. Fucking hell, this is really getting loose. This just fucked me up.

Yeah. So we have our own doonas. Why do you even bother sleeping in the same bed? Because both of us really like being like... Wrapping yourself up. Like a little burrito. You are a cute little burrito. Thank you.

Full of moot. And cheese. Yeah. I love cheese. When we first started going out together, we shared a blanket because society tells you that that's what you should do. If you love each other, you should share a blanket. And we would wake up really fucked off with each other

and we would grumble and fight all the time. Because one of you, you'd roll over and steal it. Yep, and take the thing and then we'd wake up and be fucked off with each other because one of us was cold or whatever. Anyway, and then one night, I can't even remember what we'd been doing, but there was two quilts on the bed. It must have been really cold or something. And we woke up the next morning.

Both of us were wrapped in separate blankets and I was like, maybe this is the way forward. This is the way forward. Yeah, and that was years ago. We've never looked back. So do you have a single bed, doonas? No, we've both got a queen. Both got a queen.

Yeah. And how big's your bed? Our bed's a queen. Okay, so one queen with two queen mattresses and two queen. No, one queen with two queen doonas. Yeah, for the two princesses. Yeah. Let's leave that.

Couple of queens. For me, it's just the, not that like it's unsafe, but for me it's just the, oh, I'm blindfolded if something happens and I jump up. But to be honest, normally it actually does sleep off after I fall asleep because I move around and it like slides off. So if you wake up, the eye mask, it's not as if you wake up and your fucking eyes are forced to close.

It's normally slipped off by then anyway for me. Does it slip off up the top or like around your neck? Because Bridget is paranoid because I don't have AirPods because I'm not as fancy as you. And I sometimes will listen to like a meditation or a podcast just when I go to sleep. And then I'll just wake up with the cords strapped. Oh, no, that fucking panics me.

No, that's not okay. That panics you. Yep. But being blindfolded. Yeah, no, it slides up. It slides up, not down. I would like people to let us know. I think that eye masks are normal.

Steph Clare Smith uses an eye mask. I've seen it on her Instagram story. Well, unlike. Ask rich girls across the street. I was going to say, you girls who are worth $36 million each. Just context, the Australian Rich List came out and this person who we know from afar, Steph Clare-Smith, $36 million. She runs Keep It Cleaner.

If you, yeah, the face of Adidas, like she fucking, she's doing all right. Should we just call her and see? No. Can I tell you something about Steph, by the way? Over the years in radio, you know, she had a book out, she came on the show. We did a podcast. I reckon the first podcast I ever did years ago,

Steph was like one of the first guests on it. Yeah, right. I've met Steph a few times, yeah. Lovely. Yeah. So I saw her phone number on the screen because we were calling her to be part of the show. Yeah.

And I wanted to like take a photo of the screen and be like, oh, hey, Steph Klaas-Smith's coming up on the show. Like, you know, you would take a photo of a guest in the studio. But you didn't black her number out. Well, it didn't even click that, of course, her phone number's on the screen because it's the phone box, which is how the radio station calls people. And so I posted her mobile number. How many people were following you at the time?

Oh, not many, Like 15,000. I mean, more than one isn't too many to be sending Steph Glessmith's number out to. Yeah. Sorry, Steph. Oh, my God. That's awful. And it was probably only for about 20, 25 minutes.

Someone DM'd me back and like, hey, bro. Just letting you know. No. You've actually just put Steph Glessmith, a very hot female. Was she fucked off? I don't know. Or did she, like, laugh or was she, like, upset about that? I don't know. You've actually just put Steph Clare-Smith, a very hot female. Was she fucked off? I don't know. Or did she, like, laugh or was she, like, upset about that?

I don't know. Because you know how it's like, we're getting off topic, but you know how it's like a radio gag to be like, oh, like, cool, Ryan, here's his number. Yeah. I fucking hate that. I've had the same number for, like, fucking 15 years. I'm not about, don't you fucking dare, I'm not about to change it. If people got my phone number, it would just make me so anxious

that people were going to call me. If people had my number, it wouldn't matter because they wouldn't care. Oh, just because it's that radio thing. 0408. I don't, I'm not actually even going to stop you because I know you wouldn't dare. I wouldn't. I know you wouldn't.

I trust you. For two reasons. Yeah, why? Because you know I'd be fucked off. Three reasons. Oh I know you wouldn't. I trust you. For two reasons. Yeah, why? Because you know I'd be fucked off. Three reasons. Oh, the first two are sort of the same. I know you'd be fucked off and also, like, you do trust me and I don't want to break that trust.

Thank you, yeah. But the main reason is after 78 radio stations have done the same gag, it's fucking done for me. Yeah, like, and it's funny because the phone rings. But, like, you know, when I worked on Jase and PJ, Jase would literally be out on like the weekend, like a Saturday night or he'd be at home asleep with his fucking wife and the phone would ring and it would be someone drunk in a pub

listening to Mr Brightside and being like, no, mate, I thought I'd give you a call. Like and I just can't think of anything worse than people calling me. I changed my stance on this completely. Yeah. If you're drunk listening to Mr Brightside, call me. All right, well, Ryan's number is 040. There we go.

Hey, it's Zach from Virginia, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Roll up, roll up. Here we go. It's the Tony and Ryan Carnival. Did you have roll ups as a kid? Oh, my God. Uncle Toby's fruit roll ups. Yeah. Real fruit flat out.

Yeah. Advertising fucking works on me. It does. But also, how much was it not real fruit? Oh, no. Advertising fucking works on me. It does, but also how much was it not real fruit? Oh, no. It's like cordial. Yeah, let's just put food colouring in sugar, but how do we make it seem healthy?

Why don't we just say it's real fruit? And someone else is like, people will never fucking believe that. And the next minute they're like, no, I reckon we'll just put that on the label. I reckon we just do it. It's real fruit flat out. What was your favourite snack as a kid? This is obviously like very Australian chat, but what was your favourite?

I just like anything with peanut butter on it. Oh, fuck off. Same. Yeah. Why do you keep mouth-butting the microphone? I think, I don't know. Do you remember Biscand? Is it like a snack?

Because they were fucking wild. No, they are good. You can still get those. Biscand, and Is it like a snack? Because they were fucking wild. No, they are good. You can still get those. Bisque and, and it was like a sweet biscuit and it had like, so it was like Bisque and Twix or Bisque and M&M's and it was like a sweet biscuit. It had chocolate on it and then it would have like M&M's poked into the top or it would be like caramel

and chocolate for a Twix. Can I tell you something that will shock you? I love a Twix, yeah. Twix are great. This will be surprising because you know me now. Yes. You know what I look like now and how much I kind of weigh about now. I don't reckon I had sweets or chocolate for about the first 23 years of my life.

Was that because your mum was strict or you just weren't into it? Mum wasn't strict. We ate healthy, but she wasn't strict. Just when I was in athlete mode, just didn't eat chocolate. Yeah. Just not. That's fair enough. And sometimes, maybe sometimes it hurt my teeth.

Yeah, okay. So I just didn't. Because you had weird teeth, didn't you? We did. You did have weird teeth. I had buck teeth. Yeah. I wouldn't say weird.

But now they're like so straight and perfect. I had Invisalign. Yeah. And I had this other contraption about had buck teeth. Yeah. I wouldn't say weird. But now they're like so straight and perfect. I had Invisalign. Yeah. And I had this other contraption about my buck teeth. Oh, that's right. We were talking about it the other day. Not related to that. Thanks for bringing it up.

Headgear. But just didn't like chocolate. Yeah, that's fair. And probably didn't eat takeaway food ever. And now, Jesus Christ. Do you reckon you're more into like savoury naughty food or like a sweet naughty food? Savoury. Same. Like I'd fucking murder a toasted cheese sandwich

any time of the day. Chicken wings? Fuck me up. Any way, any how, any sauce, put it in any hole. Yeah, mine's cheese. Anything like a cheese board or a toasted cheese sandwich. We had cheese snacks last night. You should have come round. I wasn't invited. It was too busy fucking crying over the notebook.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Hey, let's, before we, big shout out to James Humphrey. Yeah, good on you, mate. And Garrett Mutoff. One of my favourite skits ever is about a guy named Garrett. Yeah. Google Sam Simmons on Conan O'Brien. I'm writing it down.

I won't do it, but I've done it. I'll post it in the group. Thank you to those guys for being champion tarpers and getting around us and supporting us via the Patreon. We appreciate that. So I've talked about the fire alarm going off in our building before. Yes. I yelled at Torbs for not being organised,

not getting beautiful mementos of my mother, who was dearly departed. Of course, because the alarm went off. Get all the valuables. What did he grab? His phone and a mask. Yeah, and his keys. Not his fucking car keys.

Can't drive. Anyway. Keys to what car? Yeah, exactly. My car. You can't fucking do anything. Anyway, so I've talked about that. But I have a new enemy and it's actually the smoke alarm

in our apartment. Oh, so it's not the community one anymore. No, not the one for the building, the one for our house specifically. And I think I now know what it's like to be a parent. Every parent listening has just leaned back and gone, really? Here we go, bitch. You and your boyfriend live alone, beautiful house, having sex on a Tuesday night because you heard a neighbour doing it.

This is the same Tony Lodge who off air 12 minutes ago said, oh, don't really know if I've got time in the day for a dog. We'd love a dog, but we're like, oh, you know, we have a lot of commitments. We're very busy. But because she has a smoke alarm, she knows what it's like to be a parent. Okay, let me explain myself. Please do, because fuck off.

So I've spoken openly before about Torbs and I, we don't want children. Yep. And that's like this point in our life, we've felt the same way for almost 10 years now. We've only been doing it for eight. Yeah, sorry. Together for seven.

Almost 10 years. So, you know, seven years we've been talking about, you know, whether we wanted children, whether that was something we wanted and we don't at this point. You open to change? Always. Yeah. And I think it's as well something that like if we got to a certain age

where we thought, you know what, something's actually really missing and we wish that we did have a child and maybe it was too late, like I couldn't fall pregnant or. Do you want me to move in? We'll adopt you. I'm good at being adopted. Yeah. We would happily foster or adopt a child if that was, you know.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Like there's no stigma for us of like it's not like we have to have our own child. It would just be like something's really missing. You've got love to give. Exactly. You do have a lot of love to give.

You're a loving person. Thank you. Yeah, I am. Don't text me late at night though. Anyway, so let me explain myself. We don't really want children, but recently our smoke alarm has been going off a lot and not just when we're cooking. So when we first moved in, we were cooking dinner one night.

I think we were like frying up chorizo for like something or other. Yeah. Yeah, must be nice. And the smoke alarm goes off. They are smoky, those chorizos. or other. Yeah. Must be nice. And the smoke alarm goes off. They are smoky, those Toritos. They are. Yeah. Exactly.

They just like, because all the fat in them and stuff comes out and fucking fucks everything up. Anyway, and I was like, oh, that's pretty sensitive. We should be really careful. So now whenever we cook, we've got like the range hood on, we open our like balcony door. Yeah, get some air going. And stuff just to make sure that we don't, you know, hit it, head it off at the pass. Sure. any door and stuff just to make sure that we don't, you know,

head it off at the pass. And then all of a sudden, this is probably three, four weeks ago, our smoke alarm just starts going off. No chorizo. We're not cooking. There's no candle going or anything. And I was like, oh, that's fucking weird. Just sporadic.

Just literally started. Does it sometimes do that when the battery's not working? Well, so we changed the battery because I was like, obviously the battery's going flat. Yep. The next day. It's gone again. Gone again.

And we're both working from home, so, like, I'm in a meeting, the fucking fire alarm starts going off. Yeah, you're on Teams or Zooms or whatever. Yeah, and then you're the arsehole that's like, hang on, let me mute myself, just got to figure this out. Torbs is on a chair with a fucking tea towel. Yeah, he's banging shit around. Anyway, and like the button on the smoke alarm doesn't turn it off. What?

You have to like flap the air out of it. But when there's no smoke, you actually just have to actively flap it until it decides it wants to turn off. Because I worked in a flappy house once where you had to flap every time you cooked. Yeah. It was annoying, but that's just, oh, shit, smoke alarm, get the tea towel, start flapping.

Yeah, you've got to start flapping. Anyway, so we're thinking that's fucking weird. We've just changed the battery. We'll change it again. Anyway, for the last three or four weeks, the smoke alarm has gone off probably about six times a day. A day? A day.

Every day? Every single day. I messaged the real estate agent, didn't hear anything back. They were like, just change the battery. Is there something that's going on, something you're doing? No. So this is like all the doors shut, all the windows shut. It would just go off.

It was going off 8pm, 11pm, 3am, 7am. Going off and you're like, where am I? Fuck, I'm wearing a face mask. Yeah, I've got no fucking idea what's going on. Yeah. So we're like getting woken up through the night. And if you've ever heard a smoke alarm go off. Oh, piercing.

It's piercing and it is actually to replicate a baby crying, that high-pitched, sharp thing. What's the point? To wake you up? The house is on fire. Yeah, to wake you up in like your deepest sleep. Yeah, absolutely. And every time, and I'm quite sensitive to sound,

like I really don't like loud noises and stuff. Sorry. No, it's okay. I just meant for me when I yell at you. When unexpectedly something's really loud actually just like agitates me really quickly. Like when we go to the cinema, I will wear earplugs and stuff. Like I just don't like loud shit.

Yeah, like I'm really fussy. Stay at home. I'm really fussy. Stay at home. I'm really fussy. Okay, yeah. Anyway, and Torbs is a bit the same. Like if we go to a concert, we're both wearing earplugs. Like we're both really funny about it.

And every time this fucking smoke alarm goes off, it just fucks us off straight away. We're getting fucking angry with each other. So we've been angry with each other for about a month because this thing keeps fucking going off. Really? That might explain a few things. Yeah.

Well, anyway, so I, one morning, probably mid last week, the smoke alarm had gone off four times during the night. We, the alarm goes off in the morning as in like our wake up alarm. We both fucking groan, Grantunt, roll out of bed. We both fucked off. He goes, oh, do you want a coffee? And I was like, like every morning. Like I was just a bitch.

He was fucked off. Anyway, and I was like, this is what it feels like to be a parent. We're getting woken up at all hours of the night, have to get up, flap the tea towel, deal with the thing. And I now just it's like newfound respect because I can only imagine the look that you are giving me right now. How dare you on behalf of every parent. Well. How dare you.

I get it. Like maybe feeding the child also is difficult. But I'm working nine to five and then I'm getting woken up all night. It's like basically the same. Well, listen here, Dolly Parton. Basically the same. Fuck. Okay.

First of all, you said six times a day? Yep. How many times do you reckon a three or four-year-old asks their parent for something a day? Yeah, I don't know. 300? Once, twice. Yeah, that would definitely suck.

And you know what? It would get to the point when you're a parent, you don't go, oh, how many times has the kid needed me today? They just need you the whole time for years on end. And you have to wander over past your two fancy bathrooms through your beautiful courtyard. Heaven forbid you're smoking up some chorizos. Oh, wouldn't a parent love to smoke a fucking chorizo?

And you have to flap for about 20 seconds before the... Four-year-olds don't just go silent after you flap them for 20 seconds. They're annoying for the next 15 years. Yeah. I mean, I get what you're saying. You have to put money aside for the smoke alarms college degree. That doesn't go out of your thing. I mean, the batteries are expensive.

How expensive? Every time the child loses a tooth, there's a couple of dollars. What's like $10 for like 2D batteries? How much do you reckon a child costs? $11? Maybe just a bit more. How much were batteries. How much do you reckon a child costs? $11, maybe just a bit more. How much were you? How much were you?

When I was purchased from the adoption store? Yeah. I don't know if there's a fixed price. Well, like when you adopt a dog, you've got to do it, and I assume it's the same thing. Yeah, has he had his vaccinations? Has he been nougat? Toilet trained? Yeah.

That's a good question. I'll ask my mum. Yeah. Please. I don't know the answer to that question. Get Mandy on good question. I'll ask my mum. Yeah, please. I don't know the answer to that question. Get Mandy on the phone. I want to know how much it costs. Let's call her. Yeah, let's call Mandy.

She's probably busy in her bloody Mercedes Benz. She won't answer. Because of the private number? Yeah. I haven't called the right number. I hope so. Me too. She must be with another child or something.

Better phone. Yeah. Maybe one that was cheaper. Or better value for money. Yeah. Hello, Ryan. Oh, hey, you're on the podcast with Tony. Hi, Mandy.

Hello, Tony. I'm on a podcast. Okay. Why is it taking you so long to answer your phone? That's very unlikely. It was no caller ID and I don't answer it. Yeah, we'll call in from the studio. Yeah.

Quick question. We were talking about the difference between adopting a dog and adopting a human and Tony was saying it sometimes costs a couple of hundred bucks to adopt a dog and she said, how much did I cost? They gave you away. They paid your mum to do it. A lot of pain, a lot of time and a lot of patience. There you away. They paid your mum to take it. A lot of pain, a lot of time and a lot of patience. There you are.

That's what it costs. Okay, great. Love you too. Bye. Okay, bye. She could not have gotten you off the phone quicker then. She's wrapping me up. Yeah, she wasn't into it. 34 years later, she's like, oh, this guy's so fucking annoying,

but not as annoying as a fucking smoke alarm. Yeah, it's true. My mum never answers the phone, so. I hate you. Oh, you love to say it. Anyway, so I feel like I now know what it's like to be a parent. I just know how fucked off parents are going to be by that. Something I love to see is the Daily Mail headline that says,

Tony Lodge cancelled. I'm not going to get cancelled. The fucking RIP my DMs though. I just want people to understand how, like, how disruptive it was. I think we would have been on your side if you didn't compare it to being a parent. I think it's exactly the same. But you'll all be happy to know, my love to see it, is that someone came, fixed the fucking smoke alarm.

It hasn't gone off in two days. So fingers crossed it stays fixed. Did you ever consider just unhooking it? You can't. Really? You can't unhook a smoke alarm that's part of the mains because it just beeps because it's like then if there was a fire, you wouldn't be protected.

Because otherwise people would just like unhook it so that they could like smoke meth inside and shit, for example. Well. All right. Thank you for so much. Thank you so much for listening to the pod. A whole week's gone past. A whole week's gone past.

Have we eaten the nugs? Are we dead? Are we dead? Posthumous. We do appreciate you listening. It does help if you click follow and subscribe on the apps you're listening to. Or leave a review if you've got one in you. Sorry?

Fuck, I don't know. It's Wednesday. Take, I don't know. Yeah, just. It's Wednesday. Take a day off, mate. I'm a bit upset as well because last night while I was watching The Notebook and crying, I actually had fish and chips for dinner. And while I was crying, my dinner went cold and I didn't get to eat my Kransky. And that's sitting in the fridge at the moment.

I'm thinking about putting it in the air fryer when I get home. That's all I can think about. When you were crying. Yep. And you were really upset on the phone, there was a moment where you went, my Kremski's gone cold and it's just a soggy sausage on the plate. I was really upset because

we don't get takeaway very often and it was ruined by that fucking movie. I'm really upset. Sorry, I'm sounding grumpy. You are. I'm loving... Are you okay, mate? Yeah. Let's get home to our partners. Yeah, all right. So we can spend time with people who aren't each other.

Love you, mate. Love you, mate. Love you, mate. Love you, mate. Love you, mate. Love you, mate. Love you, meowt. Sorry.

See ya. I wish I could meowt you. Eat me, meowt. Like mute. What? Shit. Shit. What has happened? What have I just done?

Okay. All right. Catch you, mate. Bye. I'm glad your mum's not on the phone still. Imagine that.