Toni and Ryan - Falling At A Funeral

Episode Date: October 5, 2025

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This episode is sponsored by the Audible original Pride and Prejudice, an intimate performance that will have you falling in love with the Jane Austen classic all over again. One of the greatest romance novels ever written. Your wife Bridges are Pride and Prejudice fan, isn't she? Huge, loves it. Well, she'll love this. It stars a full cast, including Marisa Abella, as Elizabeth Bennett, and Harris Dickinson as Mr. Darcy, plus Marianne Jean-Baptiste, Will Poulter, Bill

Nye and Glenn Close as Lady Catherine DeBerg. This new adaptation is vibrant and modern with an original new score by a Grammy nominated composer. Whether you're fresh to Pride and Prejudice or want to revisit a cherished favourite, you're in for a new and delightful listening experience. Listen to the new Pride and Prejudice at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. I was tumbling like an avalanche and this absolute hero's in the middle bit and he catches me. She gets caught and she was like, oh my God.

I'm really embarrassed and a bit of pain, but, like, it could have been so much worse. Absolutely. And she goes, thank you. And the guy says, my beautiful Angela. They held for a moment, and he goes, Please tell me they're married now. My name is Beth, and I'm from London. I'm Kelly from Dory, Melbourne, Australia.

I'm Jen from Cleveland, Ohio in the United States. And I approve this podcast. Welcome to a brand new week. I'm Ryan. This is Tony. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. We're at Tony's house because she's got a broken foot. And Tony's dog Pippa can't decide if she wants to be on the couch or on the floor. What she has decided, though, is that she's got long nails and makes a lot of sound when walking on floorboards.

She's doing her little tap to, oh, no, she's getting up again. Pippa. Watch those cables, sweetheart. Pipa, come here, girl. Can I tell you. She has surprisingly good spatial awareness when it comes to cables. Like, I think she's better. Like, you know, when, like, you would expect a dog to just, like, bulldozed through?

She's kind of like, she's quite delicate. Really? Yeah. That's nice. I think she's just happy over there. Yeah, that's good. I'm going to let you know just how nice and supportive the tarpas are. If you knew a tarpa is a Tony and Ryan podcaster.

Anyone who listens or watches, you are a tarpa. Thank you. Tapa Janelle. Hi, Janelle. said, can we start a thread of horrific things that have happened to us on stairs? I want Tony to know that she's not the only one. Yeah, okay. It's like, that's really nice.

Yeah, that's nice. I fell down the stairs at my grandma's funeral, pulling two of my children down with me. Tony, I get it, says Janelle. What have other people done? That's what she posted in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. I'm at a funeral. Like, you've just made such a scene. Yeah.

And you're probably wearing, like, a pretty fancy outfit, you know, like, likely wearing, like, heels and you don't normally or something like that. I feel like funerals would be a bad place of people. Like, I think that funerals would be rife with injury. You reckon? I reckon. All right. Next week. Well, this week we're doing.

What happened to you at a funeral? Yeah. What happens to you? This week is Taipa versus Stairs. Next week is Taipa versus Funerals. Yeah. Love it. Oh, take the week off.

Yeah. Great. Fantastic. Christina. Hi, Christina. Oh, do I get to enter mine into the... I think that's a given. Okay. Oh, hang on.

Hey, Pippa. Pippa. Come here, Stinky. Hey, go see him up. Oh. That was very agile. Oh, sorry. Just a little smoochy.

There's nice kisses, Mama. For those listening to the podcast. what you can hear is Pippa sharing my microphone and being right up in my grill. Pippa has stood up on Ryan giving him a big kiss. Come here, little mama. Go on sit with your mum. Come here, some nunky girl. Come here, pussy.

It's this blanket, isn't it? Can you pass me that green blanket? She likes it better. Are you joking? Hey, mama. Pippa has decided she likes this blanket. Um, she's just a fancy girl. Good girl, mama.

Okay. Yeah. Whenever everyone else is ready. Christina. Hi, Christina. I was carrying boxes down the stairs when I slipped. Both feet flew out in front and I landed on my butt. Oh.

But instead of just landing, I bounced on my butt down every step. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Right the way down. Oh.

I had a huge bruise and a hippatoma so big it was noticeable. under my genes. A hippopotamus? Yeah. A hippopotamus. A hippatoma. What's that? So, you know, when you cut yourself and it bleeds?

Yeah. Because the body, like, sends blood to the pain bit. Oh. So a hypotoma is like, it sends blood, blood to the bad bit. But because there's no cut, it just like swallows up like a base. You know, sometimes people get like a golf. Like an egg on your head or whatever. That's a hypotoma, yeah.

Oh, I've never heard that word before. Hippatopamus. Hippotopamus Six years later I still have a small bump on my left butt cheek Still? Yeah

We didn't the hippotoma Like Doesn't the blood like drain away though? Yeah but just a little bump Just to let you know Just keep me in mind Oh my God I hope that I'm not still thinking about

This fucking broken foot in six years No but that's because you've got the surgery You've got it fixed Oh I've got it fixed Yeah See the thing when I broke my foot Tragically The thing was

Is that the amount horror stories I got from people, it doesn't make you, like, this is great because now mine's fixed. Oh, okay. But when it first happened, people are like, oh, that happened to me and now I'm dead. My, oh, well, awesome. That makes me feel great about the future. Or someone's like, oh, that exact thing happened to me about 12 years ago. And I haven't, I haven't been able to walk since. I'm like, what? Like, what are you talking about? Like, don't say that to someone. Has Tarpaginal sent us up? Is she not doing God? where's my hippopotamus you know so true yeah Chloe Liz I was walking up the

stairs holding a bunch of hot coffees when I tripped coffee went everywhere splattered up the walls started dripping down the steps and I actually got severe burns on my underboop because I landed like on my chest now I smell like pseudo cream because she has to cream up her boobs every day. Oh, right. I was like, I'm missing the link from coffee. Just like, now I smell like coffee. I'm, I bet. Yeah. I bet. Yeah. And after a work, because this happened at work, after a workplace risk assessment, it is now documented in workplace policy that I must take the lift when carrying hot items. That is hilarious. I wonder if it names Chloe specifically. Yeah, or just like, unnamed.

female employee from 2025. Oh, but like, usually be like, we recommend employees do this. Or it's like, but if Liz has the drinks. Yeah, but if Chloe Liz wants to do anything, she must do this. Yeah. Because she's a clumsy bitch. I have to recommend the lift because, I mean, it would have solved a few problems. Yeah.

Yeah. James Leach. Hi, James. I work as a paramedic and tripped on the step of the ambulance and broke my ankle. the patient I was supposed to be helping went oh dear you might have to call yourself a patient said that yeah what well they obviously weren't in that much pain I can't imagine needing an ambulance and being able to drop comedy like that uh medical comedy do you reckon this falls into medical I will actually have to

beg to differ because I've seen someone break their foot and be fucking hilarious. I don't think I was that funny, was I? You were pretty good. I don't even remember. You told the lady at the medical response place to fuck off. Is that funny or just rude? In a comical way. It was comical.

We've seen them. He laughed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I did. I did okay. I think they just like me because I was Australian as well.

Yeah. Like you get automatic points for being like for, like, for. having a funny accent. So are you saying if you're well enough to drop comedic gold You can drive yourself to that. That's my hot take for the time.

Finally, let's do Angela. Now, imagine a busy train station at peak hour. Yeah. Everyone's going to work. And you know how a train station is where like normal people, how they get to work. just in case you don't know.

I caught the train to the accounting firm every day for a year before I quit. The other day, Lily goes, yeah, I'll just catch the tram. And Ryan goes, Tony, the tram is like a bus, but on a truck. And I've been sitting on a seat. You're like, I don't know when. I don't know how. But I'm going to give you one of those back real soon. So, Tony.

But you know how? Obviously, train stations, they're either like above or below the road or whatever. So there's a lot of stairs, a lot of escalators. I, it's the worst. Yeah. So I imagine, and everyone kind of imagine this, like, some big stairs and then there's kind of like a few metres of a landing and then there's more stairs. Yeah.

So Angela's at the top of like the double stairs. And she fucking stacks it. And she's literally tumbling down the stairs. And she's got her fucking laptop and her lunch. But she's like, I'm at the top of a double. I could, she's like, I don't know how I'm. going to fucking stop. I could go right the way to Platform 3. You know, I could be right down there. And she says, I was tumbling like an avalanche down the top of the set and this absolute

hero is in the middle bit and he catches me. Um, please tell me they're married now. I hope so. I hope so. So she's and she gets caught and she was like, oh my God, I'm really embarrassed and a bit of pain, but like it could have been so much worse. And she goes, thank you. And the guy says, my beautiful Angela don't know how we know her name are you okay and she goes she goes

I was so shocked and embarrassed and everything you know how you kind of like try to oh yeah all good yeah oh my God I do this all the time so she kind of like

so they like almost embraced because he like literally caught her and it's like when you catch something like that you like hang on to make sure you've definitely caught it so they they held for a moment

and he goes are you okay that's actually lovely that someone would start and because she was flustered and embarrassed she kind of went like sort of took a step like once she caught herself as well um sort of took a step back and looked in him and went like to say oh thank you i am okay but as she took a step back she stacked onto the next bit and then fell all the way down the next stairs to the bottom

no she did not she did not I was rattled like a sketch I was rattled and said I'm fine and then stumbled only to fall the entire next flight of stairs. And the guy was like, well, I helped your ones. Yeah, oh. He goes, if he didn't want me to help, he should have just said. I reckon everyone was staring at her. A real fall from Grace.

Grace was the guy's name. I thought the name was Angela. My name's Beth and I'm from London. I'm Kelly from Doree. open Australia. I'm Jen from Cleveland, Ohio, United States, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion Tarpers over at our Patreon. Thank you very, very much for being part of it, listening, sharing your stories.

We actually really can't do it without you. So thank you so much. Maddie, good on you, Maddie. Janelle Joanne. Little ditty about Janelle Joanne. Johnny Girk, good on you, Johnny. Bella, pretty good comedy, actually. That was off the cup.

You don't need an ambulance? Bella Krauss. That's how we're assessing that. I love it. Bella Krauss, love you, Bella. Amy Adele Hunt, Dan Foley, Jess, good on you, Jess. Emma Bowden, Jake Jerome, Holly Beedle and Courtney Rowling, Kathleen, Darlene, Callahan, Craig. Love you, Courtney.

Thank you very much. That's a Catherine Kirk. Was that seven, oh, okay. I was going to say, is that seven different people or a big middle name? Yeah, just a big comedy from Courtney. If you're hanging out with us today, if you could do us a one-click favour, we would be eternally grateful.

If you're listening on Apple or Spotify, hit the follow button. That really helps us. If you're on YouTube, please subscribe. The majority do. And thank you to everyone who's subscribed. If you haven't yet,

we would really appreciate it. So thank you so much. And now, do I need to like get some cold water for everyone else? Because on a Monday, hot take Tony, enters the building. I've got my matchstick here for anyone watching on YouTube.

For anybody that's listening, I made myself a matchstick. There's some paper mashay and some cellophane involved. It's actually worth just quickly scrubbing through the YouTube video just to see it, I think. Is it? Okay. Bring it over, get it right up in your grill there. Well, sorry, it's just, that's quite long. It's quite long and you've got a dog in your laugh.

And it's, well, it was made for me to hold it for you and have the match. For being by my side at the table. Yeah. And obviously right now we're on a couch. Do you just need to cut the match? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Do you want past it here?

No, I got it. If I hold the end of the stick, I can have it in your, up in your chops. No, I think we've got it. Okay, because I'm ready to be scorched. Look like a headband now, which is quite fun. It actually looked like a chicken. You know, like a rooster. Yeah. Thank you.

This one's quite divisive, I think. My hot take is that daylight savings. is awesome. You've been scorched. We just turned over to daylight savings yesterday in the early hours of the morn. It is the best. I fucking love it. I love it so much.

I grew up in W.A. They hate daylight savings. They did like a three-year trial. Did they? Yeah. And then everyone, and then everyone voted against it. So they'd have to.

they actually so they'd always said no and then they did it for like three years when I was I reckon like year seven or year eight or something I didn't even know they try I just thought they were always never yeah so they did um they did a three year trial and then they did a vote and everyone voted back against it so it was actually awesome because for those three years it was like extra time we could be outside with our friends yeah like because I was like yeah year seven, eight or something like that. So old enough to kind of like hang out and ride bikes in the street and like go see my friends and stuff.

And it was all this extra time you got to like hang out and like I just, I love it. People that don't love it need to fucking get a life. Here's the thing about daylight savings. What did you say again? It's divisive. Yeah, because people, they love it or they, I don't think people are in the middle. People fucking hate it or they love it. It's only divisive if you're a fuckhead.

I agree. Because if you're not a fuckhead, you think it's great. So there's nothing divisive about it. There's nothing to fight about there. So when I lived in Queensland, they don't do it either. And you know why they don't do it there? Because they reckon the cows don't know when to be milked and, nah.

It's because it's like late enough or never right. No, it's literally that. They're like the cows don't know like the times. It fuck your curtains. The cows don't know the time. That whatever. And I'm like, if you want to get. up an hour earlier because it suits your cows, then fucking do it. But don't make the rest of us

it get dark. So I'm the same. So the best thing about summer is now with Mabel, we have dinner and then parents will know you kind of like got to get the last bit of energy out so they can go to bed. Yeah. So we would have dinner and then go for a war. Yeah. Which you can't, especially in Melbourne, because it gets dark. It's so dark even during the day. Like it's like pretty grey and stuff. So now, it's like overnight, literally, we can have dinner and go, cool, let's just go for a walk around the block and then like, come back and we'll have a bath and go to bed. And it's awesome. And then when I was a kid playing sport, like my weekend cricket, we played on Friday nights because it was light till 9 o'clock. Oh, it's so good.

And here's the thing about living in Western Australia. The sun comes up at fucking 4 a.m. What's the fucking point of that when you're trying to sleep in? Yeah. And then so it's just dark at the, like, like. Yeah, no, I just love it. I think it is the best. And because Torbs works really late,

he works like real random hours. Like, last week he was at work till fucking 9.30. And like, and it means that when he gets home late. Sorry. What? I'm sorry. People look dead. She looks dead.

She's not dead. She's so relaxed. I'm so, sorry. She looks dead. I'm so sorry. And I'm rubbing her tummy to keep her still. I know. I know.

Because before Ryan was like, is there anything we can do? I know. That's why I was trying to keep a straight face, but she's so content. She looks, and I reckon from the camera's angle, she looks like her head's fallen off.

And I'm just, it looks like I'm rubbing her on a no-no area. It looks like, I'm rubbing her tummy. I'm rubbing her tummy. It's not, it's not her swimsuit area. It's her tummy. Okay.

And I'm so agree about the daylight savings And I'm trying to concentrate and be a supportive co-host But it just looks like you rubbed your dog to death Oh, here we go. We can all go for that, isn't we? No, so talks work so late, right? And by the time he gets home, it's like, I want to go to bed. Yeah.

But then with the daylight savings, you kind of get a bit more like juice out of the lemon, you know what I mean? Yep. yeah that's not a saying do all states in America

have daylight savings or do they also have weird ones where some states do and some states don't I believe some do

some don't but also remember when we were doing our meet and greet tour they don't all start at the same time

so some were already in daylight savings some hadn't started yet and then as we were driving through them

it clicked over and stuff we did four states is that right it is but so i just googled like if they all have and it says hawaii and most of arizona remain on the same oh oh god i get completely fucked absolutely not we did oh so you fucking you live in arizona your neighbors at it's 4 p.m for them and it's 5 p.m. for

you so like their kids are getting home from school and you go i've got an extra hour of yeah or we're sitting out sun baking and next door it's dark I'm pretty sure that's what would happen They're waiting for the bus The bus has to sit at the bus stop for an hour Because it's not ready for the next one Yeah I just

Can we all just get along Can we all just fucking decide I've got I know this is controversial I've got two you love to see it No Because I've just got a quick one You don't need two you love to see it

No I just got a quick one from The first one is So many people messaged about hearing Mabel sing the other day. Yeah. And it warms my heart. So thank you for that. But someone said that them and their partner, they call each other Mamu. Because in Greek, it means little monkey.

Oh. And so they're like, that's like their little pet name for each other. And they're like, it's so cool that you call Mabel that. And I was like, well, it's not because of the Greek little monkey. It's just because Mabel thought she couldn't say the word Mabel and she just started calling herself Mammu. Yeah. And it stuck. And they're like, oh, it's so cute that you.

use the Greek saying for a little monkey and I was like That's so, that is really sweet though I call Pippa my little monkey or monkey butt Sounds really funny You were a Greek non-a you would be calling her But it's like we're both calling her Mamu So true Like that feels like a cute little

It's special, it's because we're best friends Yeah Now I'm gonna text you A TikTok from Lord Van Heteero Luckily I unbricked my phone And you're gonna open this and you're probably gonna have to commentate for those people listening about what the fuck's going on. Oh my God, I've seen this.

Have you been sent it a hundred times? Yes. Yes. But every time, so there's some things that I get sent a lot where I go, I don't need to watch that again. I open this every time. All right, hang on. And explain what we're seeing and hearing. There is a man in a very fancy suit in front of it. Hang on, just so that I can set the scene. There's a man in a very fancy suit in front of like a red velvet curtain. He's got like 20 of those little, um, squeezable, like chickens.

Um, and he's using them as an instrument. Booh. The tone is amazing. How do we do that? He's actually quite clever. Has he, like, tied them off at different areas to get different tones in the chickens? They're different sizes. Yeah.

So he's thought about this. Oh, yeah. You open the door. it actually gets funnier the more you watch it yeah and the fact that he does like two parts of the song as well is really funny and the caption is like titanic song on chickens like as if well of course oh i get it now yeah like oh why i didn't know what it was here yeah um i've got you love to see here this is a very very sweet one um this is from melissa whitehead who actually, coincidence chat,

we met, I believe, in Kentucky when we were going through and... Oh, but which time's on? I know. I know. Doing four meet and greets in 24 hours in four different states where daylight savings changes

during that 24 hours is not recommended. So there was one where we were like, oh my God, we're going to be like an hour late. And then all of a sudden, the clock changed. And we were like, we're on time. like it was crazy amazing for me yeah i wish that i could do that in real life i'm like fuck am i going to be late then the time just changes what a great fucking thing to have i want to know if anyone else does this i had like so much to do the other day and i like

also wanted to go to the gym and like bj needed a walk it was just one of those like oh yeah and i was like i would do anything for the world to just pause for six hours yeah so i could just go knock a bunch of shit out and then it would like and press start and press play again yeah and keep going from here yeah is does anyone else have those weird thoughts i think so i think that's like universal thought i think especially when you like how long do you think whether you'd like to pause for because i had one the other day i'm like just give me two weeks two weeks i was like i'll come back jacked two weeks two weeks it'd be a big two weeks okay um but just imagine me in the kitchen going, do you want a cup of tea? And you go, yeah, and then I come back and I'm just

like, ripped. And I'm like, oh my God, sorry. What sort of tea is that? Did you look like that before? Or what were you doing in there? Um, I have certainly thought about it. Um, but probably only ever like a week or so, an hour or so. Okay. Yeah. Except for when you're on holiday. And you go, oh, couldn't you stay here for an extra week? Yeah. Or like when you wake, this is, I reckon universal. Like, you wake up on the last day of your trip. And you go, oh, Just like one more full day. Yeah. Like, you're like, I don't want to go to the airport later.

I just like one more day where I don't have to worry about like where my passport is. So I saw Brittany Saunders who we love to do a real and it was like when the hotel says check out at 10am, me at 9.50 and she's in the pool drinking a cocktail. And I was like, I get what you're trying to say, but obviously not. Even for you, that's too much. Because Tony would be packed the night before bathers away, done. Checkouts at 10, great. Book the car for 9.30. Yeah.

I'll be down there like... Yeah, just because like... I saw that and I was like, this would stress Tony. Rules exist for a reason. Turning up to the checkout with wet hair. Oh, and also putting wet bathers in your bag? That's crazy. Okay, anyway, I've got a really nice job to see it.

Every other time. On the money. Yeah. No. You've missed the mark there, Brett. Melissa says, Hi, Tony, I've got to you love to see it for you. On October 5th, so yesterday,

I get to marry the love of my life and my best friend. We've been friends since we were teenagers, I've been dating for almost eight years. We've been through so much together, coming out of the closet together, moving into our first apartment, college, first jobs, first house, and now the beginning of a new chapter.

I'm so lucky to have her, and there's no one else I'd rather do life with. I'd like to shout out to my now wife and fellow tarpa, Celine. So we met Melissa and Celine, yeah, in Louisville, in Kentucky. Melissa said, if this makes the cut, it'd be great if it could be on Monday's episode on the 5th as a surprise because we're getting ready to leave on our honeymoon.

Oh shit. Been listing the whole time since like the beginning of the pod. Congratulations. Um, isn't that so beautiful? And if there's one thing I can say about the honeymoon, if I find out you guys go swimming 10 minutes before check it out. Yeah, this is, it's off.

Yeah, this is, we will take that shout out out. Um, but I like, we'll go back and edit this out. Charles was done. Um, but yeah, so Melissa and I were chatting last week and she was like, oh, I just, we're really excited about the wedding and I was like, that's so beautiful.

So they're probably getting ready. right now to go on their honeymoon so have an amazing time hope the wedding was great um i know we do confessions on tuesday but i've got a confession yeah when you when melissa said i'm marrying um the love of my life and my best friend i was like oh thruple like both of them because if i married the love of my life and my best friend i'd be married to you and bridget you know what me i like that you said that yeah thanks because you're the love of my life yeah is prudgette best friend? No.

There's tears, but not. Tears. But no. Tears from her because she didn't win best friend award. Ayo. Oh. She don't need that ambulance. She's doing comedy.

Scorched her. Yeah. I'm married to my best friend. BJ. Yeah. I didn't know you could marry a dog. Yeah. It'd be BJ, Tony and Mabes up the top there.

I appreciate that. And then Bridgett. Oh. Dave Parsons. What about Lily and Charles? Lily and Charles. And Sophie. Sophie be up there.

Bridget be top ten. No, I love her. Not my best friend though. And I think that's fine. It's healthy for your, you know. Yeah, I've got other friends. Yeah. Like, I'd be her best friend.

But I've got other friends. Who is Bridget's best friend? Do you reckon? Yeah. Poor girl. Bridget has friends The thing about Bridget's friendships Is that it costs her and her friends money

Exhibit A Whenever Lily or Bridget buy something Photos get texted And then the other ones off shopping all of a sudden Yeah I love that though That's what good friends should do Just too many enables in my life Yeah

And you're welcome Yeah although I tried to enable Charles to buy an apartment Yesterday afternoon So who am I to fucking speak Hey Uh tomorrow we've got a guest a celebrity guest confession Michael Jordan

Sorry You ruined every surprise I ruined it again MJ go back Michael Jordan is at my house in reservoir He's looking at the place next door Did you reckon

You reckon I could imagine Do you reckon I could talk him into putting a pool in that? Yeah It'll be the shape of it MJ 23 pool It's a Nike tip The Jordan arm The air

That was good sports knowledge from me The ball at the top of the air Would be the spa Yeah Yeah And you swim up the arm to that So you know how I'm like Like TV shows on like

E News or whatever And they're like Oh the property portfolio Of this celebrity And it's like Michael Jordan He's like He's got this mansion in Chicago Where he played for the Bulls

He's got this estate In North Carolina and he also has some random house in reservoir in Australia where he shares a Nike stick pool with some podcaster next door 25 million, 25 million, 800,000 Well, you've ruined tomorrow's surprise celebrity confession Hey, it's the good side of reasonable. I don't want to throw shade of the bad.

side of reservoir, but this is the good side of reservoir. Thank you. And that's why Michael Jordan knew where to buy. Yeah, he's like... He had the same buy it as against me. He used Amy Lunardi. Amy Lunardi. Buy his advocates and stars.

Because when Michael Jordan buys property... He's like, when I want to win championships, I play with Scotty Pippen. But when I went property on the north side of Melbourne, I go with Amy Lunardi. Stay in a phone. Love it! We've got to send this to 80s. This episode is sponsored by the Hulu original series Murdoch, Death in the Family. The new series coming to Disney Plus dives into secrets, deception, murder and the fall of a powerful dynasty.

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