Toni and Ryan - Firefighters in ya bedroom

Episode Date: August 4, 2022

Firefighters in your bedroom, oh my! Plus RYAN THE CANCELLOR!!!!! Love ya! Toni xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Hello. Hey, is that Bailey? Yeah, Matt. It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Good. Yourself? Yeah, we that Bailey? Yeah, mate. It's Tony and Ryan.

How are you doing? Good. Yourself? Yeah, we're great, Bailey. Sorry we're calling a little bit early, but we'd love you to approve this podcast. I can definitely do that. I'm just walking out of McDonald's.

Give me a second. Yeah, more than happy. What did you get? Oh, I ordered 24 nuggets and then went, oh, I want chips. So I've ended up ordering a full meal as well. Oh, that's a fucking power move and I'm here for it. I love that. Have you got sweet and sour sauce or barbecue?

I'm trying the new curry and, yeah, I've got a curry sauce. Like a satay kind of thing? I'm assuming so. I'll tell you afterwards if you'd like. Let us know. I'm actually a big fan, Bailey, of Big Mac sauce with my nuggets. I think the missus got some with hers. Yeah, great choice.

She's not mucking around. No. She's made a great choice there. Smart woman. Smart woman. Sorry to call you out of the blue. I know we're a little bit early, Bailey, but, yeah, we've had a few people not answer and pull out with some time zones,

so I thought I'd just wing it because I know you've been a bit of an OG. Literally as soon as Ryan said, Bailey Bansgrove we're going to call, and I was like, oh, I fucking know that name. I see you pop up all the time. Ah. There you go. I've been looking forward to it for a while. It's just I've been trying to find a date, and I've never had any luck.

I was sitting in the movies one day, and I just happened to open the link and go, oh, fuck, yeah, there's a point. Well, that must have been a shit movie. I was going to say. Hey, it's Bailey from Gippsland, Australia, and I approve this podcast. Yeah. If you want to be my lover, you've got to get with my, got to get with my friends. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan, the vice captain of the ship.

Tony, our queen. The spice queen. Spice queen. Although I'm pumping you up now, I believe you've got some beef with me and some accusations. Yeah. I don't think an accusation is still an accusation if it's true. Do you know what I mean?

It's not defamation if it's true. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like if you read an article and it says, like, allegedly Ryan was wearing a T-shirt. He was. Yeah. Like I know that legally you have to say allegedly,

but I don't feel like it's an accusation if it's accurate. I think what you're going to accuse me of, people will think that every friendship group has one and, well, actually that's not a good thing. No, that's not a good thing. I don't, yeah. I mean, it doesn't bother me because it's you. No, wait, sorry.

No, it doesn't bother you because it is you. You're never affected by this thing, but every single friendship group has one of these people and I need to fucking call you out. It's actually not the first time I've called you out for this as well. No, that's coming up soon. I'm looking forward to it as you can hear in my voice. Hey, this is the things you can say to a firefighter and also in the bedroom.

Thanks to Firefighter Jamie in the UK for sending this idea through. Thanks, Jamie. And Jamie, you like Jamie. He's a bit of all right. He's on TikTok and he's got a few like... TikTok. He's like, you know, in his uniform, a bit hot and sweaty, showing off a day as a firefighter.

I reckon, yeah. Yeah, Matt might get that at from you after this. This would be just after the fire. Fucking hell. Luckily we had insurance. I love that people put that in the comments just in case you forgot. Just in case I forget, yeah. See this one in my hands?

It's long, it's hard, and it pumps like crazy. Wish it wasn't in your hands. Hands is my code word for your ass. Oh. Would you like me to hose you down? Now I do, yeah. Sounds great. I've got something on now.

Can we do it in ten minutes? This is just a special shout-out to Alicia Jane, who posted this in the group. Come quick, my pussy's stuck in a tree. But I just liked that. I just thought that was hilarious. Thanks, Alicia. Should this be burning?

Yeah, because it's fucking hot. Firefighter's like, yeah, that's all good. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Ryan. What do a firefighter and me have in common? What? We're both experts at going down massive poles.

Woo! It is hot in here. Yeah. Oh, my God! You might need a ladder to climb up on this thing. Obviously, that's like a general saying, not for me personally. She's going to blow. There's glass everywhere.

Tony, I'm going to need you to stop, drop and roll. Oh! I reckon that would work, by the way, if you're a firefighter and you're out in the club and you're like, hey, I'm a firefighter. Want to come back to my place and stop, drop and roll? I reckon they'd be like, yep, 100%. Yeah, I've already booked an Uber. Oh, your mum must be worried about you doing jobs like these.

Or proud. Probably both. Danger money. So let me get this straight. Tony, you're just going to wrap your legs around it and slide down? I like to go up and down and up and down. Defies gravity. That's how good I am.

Do you mind doing night shift? Would you like to peer behind the curtain at how I write these? Yeah. This is what I've written. I haven't looked at my notes until just now. Write something about a pussy and a thick tree trunk. I'm glad I got around to writing that. You know what? That's all we need from you, actually.

Alicia from earlier, she kind of finished that joke for you, I feel. Great. Hey, just dial triple zero and we'll be up your stairwell in six minutes. Six minutes, that's good. Good reaction time. Faster than milk run.

Just about to say that. Does the burning sensation subside after a while? Or should I expect this from now on? There's some people in Pete Davidson's life who have video of them doing this. I'd watch it. Have you? No, I haven't, but I would. Do it.

It's free and readily available. Is it on Amazon? I'll do whatever you say. Good, then grab this hose and put that out. I'm going to need you to move to the back right now. I've been charged with arson. Yeah, I keep sitting my arse on other blokes' dicks. the bloke stinks. Does that make sense?

Not really, but I like it. I keep sitting my arse in. Yeah, no, you get it. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, good. It is good. You must be so fit to do this. You'd be surprised. How long do you think it'll take you to contain this?

We're looking at a couple of hours. You and I are a perfect match because you're used to making really hot stuff wet. People just drove off the road, Tony Lodge. Even though all my furniture is now ruined, I'm still glad you came when you did. Couch ruined? Worth it. couch ruined worth it safety first when you go down i'm gonna need you to hold your breath because inhaling this could kill you. Fuck. That's harrowing. I think it's the visual of inhaling that. Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, that was a legit actual dry reach. I'm so sorry. Can I get you a water? Should we mention what's in the room? No. We shouldn't mention it? No. Okay.

I mean, people will see it in the video. Yeah. Okay. There's a little spoiler. In the city, there's paid professionals that do this kind of work. Yeah. But out in the country in rural areas, it's just everyday blokes working hard for free, keeping the community happy.

Volunteers. Really doing the community work. Hey, would you like to come around tonight? I'll volunteer. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Okay. Do you have any formal training?

Well, plenty of on-the-job training. I've done it before. Yeah. Now, Tony, I've left this one to last because I wanted to give you the opportunity to say it. Okay. So I've given you fair warning. Okay. But I've stolen a Tony joke.

Oh. Extinguish her. Hardly know her. Firefighter. Hardly know her. Hey, it's Bailey from Gippsland, Australia, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. farta. Hey, it's Bailey from Gippsland, Australia, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive thank you to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Sorry, did you hear my voice just like went weird and doubly?

You're thinking about Firefighter Jamie. Yeah. I just had a look at their TikTok. I'll put that in the episode thread, a link to his TikTok. Yes. Dana Hanson, thank you so much. Juana Gilbert, Joe Grant, Grant Washington, thank you so much. Casey Clements, Danielle Olive, Sabine Gouldhammer, Brigham Taylor, Elliot Cole, Chris Hoover, and Katie McClintock.

Don't know if that's a real name or not. Is that the same McClintock we had last? No, that's Joe McClintock. Multiple McClintocks. Multiple McClintocks. You know, who knows? Wow. But thank you so much for being part of our Patreon.

And we've been mentioning over the last couple of weeks that we are joining up with Spotify. So from August 8th, you will only be able to hit play on us inside the Spotify app. So get amongst it. It's free. You don't have to sign up for an account or anything. And people have been asking, oh, will the old episode

still be elsewhere? No, you will only be able to find it on Spotify. It's free. It's free. Next Monday. So sorry to Jared McQuaig. I know you're a Pocket Cast guy. But.

I'll give you a call. We'll work something out. But hopefully if you have had the chance already, you've had a play around on the app, you can kind of get amongst it. But thank you so much for listening because we can't keep doing this without people listening. But you just have to make sure you listen to Spotify now. Have you ever made an accusation that's ended up costing you money?

I know I haven't and I'm backing that in. All right. Please explain. So I have talked previously about how you are a counsellor. And you reckon every group's got a counsellor? Every single group has a counsellor. Some known as a piker. Oh, okay.

But you just know that when Jenny says, yeah, I'll be there, you go, Jenny's not going to come. Everybody's got one in their life where you just go, they're not rocking up. When I used to work on Jason PJ, Jase, he is a counsellor. Well, the one time I went and partied with the Jason PJ crew, Jase wasn't there. He wasn't even there.

But he is the king of, like, setting up things and being like, yeah, we're going to do this thing, gets everyone involved, and then, like, bails at the last minute. It's classic him. And I thought, now that I don't, Jace is a very good friend of mine, we don't work together anymore, though, so I thought, oh, great, I'm free of this. Now I work with you and you are the

counsellor instead. I thought if Jase isn't bringing this to your life, maybe I can feel the void. Yes. But it turns out that you're just a counsellor as well. So I've talked about this before. You and our video guy, Franco, who I've worked with for many years, we're very good friends. I'm going to his wedding. We're really good mates. The three of us were going to go out for dinner and about 20 minutes before we were supposed to meet up I got a call from your wife saying, oh, Ryan's like not feeling too well. Granted, you were sick but you do cancel a lot.

And as soon as I saw the name come up on my phone I was like, classic. So I wanted to cancel a few hours prior and Bridget's like, just have a lay down, give yourself a chance, maybe you'll feel a bit better. Don't blame Bridget, mate. No, no. And then she was like, she was trying to go, oh, if you need a little lay down, you'll be all right.

And then I wasn't feeling better. And she's like, well, it's too late now. Tony's going to freak. I didn't freak, but I was just like, fuck, classic. Yeah. You know. So the other day. We were together.

We were together and I'm chatting to an old friend, Kat. Now, if you ever listened to the Ryan and Tanya show in Canberra, Kat was the newsreader. Shout out. And one of the stars of the show. Yes. Incredible. You've talked to me about Kat a lot of times and you've said she's so talented,

she's so good at what she does. Like, I know that you really like her. Yeah. She still lives in Canberra, correct? Yeah, and she goes, I'm coming down to Melbourne to see Hamilton. We should catch up. And I went, sounds great. You go into the theatre, I'll come into town.

Let's go have a drink before you go see the show. It'd be great to see you. It's been a year or so since we've bumped into each other. And you were like texting her on your computer. You know how like if you've got an Apple computer and an Apple iPhone, they all link up. You're messaging her on your computer and at the same time, we were looking

at something together. So I could see what you were writing. I didn't go through your phone or anything. But anyway, so you type out silently. You're like, oh, this is Kat. And I'm like reading the messages or whatever. You type out and go, yeah, mate, we'd love to see. We'll work something out. And I went, and you went, something to say?

Something to say, mate. And I went, fucking, as if you're going to do that. Because I was like, I'm watching you promise this girl that you're going to make effort to go and have a drink with her. You don't make any fucking effort for me, so there's no way that you're going to do it for her. Excuse me. Mate, I said what I said.

I quit my job for you. Yeah, you quit your job thanks to me, more like. Yeah. You're nothing without me. But I'm seeing you promise this girl that you're going to go and have a drink, and I'm like, that's not going to fucking happen, dickhead. Say the line that you said when you were so confident. I was just like, there is no way that you're

going to go and have a drink with her. And you went, no, for Kat, I would. And I said, if you end up having a drink with her or dinner or whatever, I'll pay for it. That's how fucking sure I am that this is not going to happen. And you've got a really smug look on your face right now because it's actually tonight. Tonight. Tonight is the night. Cats in town to see Hamilton. How many minutes before we were supposed to go out for dinner together did you cancel?

20 minutes. Yep. I'm going to wait until you're actually sitting down together for this to be a win for you because there's just there is just so much room for error down to the very last so much could happen this afternoon yep because you could go home and go fuck i actually don't feel too fly sure we've had a massive week we've moved um studios and everything so it's been a really big week big weekend because you're doing uni at the moment so you know i know, I know it's really hard for you.

Don't you fucking dare use that tone of voice. I've never seen that before. And that look, I don't like this. Because I know you're going to cancel. And my credit card is going to say, in my pocket, unused. Okay, here's something you need to factor in. And whilst I don't like the tone, I wouldn't say your vibe is inaccurate. Yep.

But I just don't like it. I know you don't like it because I'm calling you out, which I'd never normally do. So. I just feel bad for Kat. You know me quite well. Mm-hmm. And do you think the ability to prove you wrong and be a stubborn asshole

is stronger than my want to cancel on it? Almost no. There's two very strong competing forces here. I know. It's like 50-50 on both sides. The way I see it though, right, it's win-win for me either way because either I win and don't have to pay or I win because you go and do something fun instead of fucking not going to pay yeah or i win because you go and do something

fun instead of fucking not going how's that a win for you though because it's nice that you're gonna go and do something fun so obviously i'm gonna go and we're gonna go don't say obviously i'm gonna go because it is not obvious until i see a fucking photo of the two of you together and watch fucking six thousand dollars drain from the thing going to say, do I get to take your card with me? No, I think. Have you had to check with the finance team? Fuck off. No, what I think, we'll do a reimbursement situation.

No, I want the card. No, I think that you can give me a receipt. I don't think so. I'm not giving you my fucking card because I don't trust you. Because you know that I'm going to go. See, if you knew. You'd probably buy six litres of fucking hollandaise on Amazon. Put it on my card.

Me and Cattle have the night of our lives. Well, tomorrow on the show, on this podcast, you'll hear. What went down. Okay, put it this way. If I take my card and pay and keep the receipts and I present the receipts tomorrow on the show, you promise that whatever's on those receipts, you're going to pay me back for it.

The receipts for, like, dinner or drinks or whatever. If you fucking, you know, go to the movies or something afterwards, I'm not paying for that. So drinks and dinner. Yeah, like whatever you guys do together. Whatever we do together. Okay. You got yourself a deal.

You got yourself a deal. ATM receipts not included. You've got to take money out. You're like, God, I got yourself a deal. ATM receipts not included. Did you go and take money out? You're like, God, I got a power bill sitting there. I'm going to pay my rego for 12 months. Bought a car. Watch this space. Yeah, we'll fucking see.

Ryan, the former councillor, is going to be Ryan the. Oh, hang on. Ryan, the former councillor. Yeah, that's the old me. Okay. I want to make this more interesting. Go on. If you go and I pay for this, it means that the next...

If you're a reformed councillor, you're no longer a councillor. The next time you cancel on me, you have to pay for Torb's and I to go out for dinner. No, no, no. Yeah. That's not what the... I'm not agreeing to that because I know who I am and I will continue to cancel. You've got to cancel on me. You have to pay for Torb's and I to go out for dinner. No, no, no. Yeah. That's not what the – I'm not agreeing to that because I know who I am and I will continue to cancel. You've got to know your strengths.

You've got to know your strengths and your weaknesses, as it were. Things – we always finish the episode with things you love to see and something that I've been loving over the last few months. It just keeps coming back into my life and every time it pops up, I go – Is it me? No. It is a Twitter account called Chaotic Nightclub Photos. And all it is is just these random pics and it randomly pops up

and it's always like, what's going on there? That guy's tripped on his own. Did you see that video where the guy walks out of the pub, vomits and then slips on the vomit? Yes. Yeah, so that's the kind of... That was in Melbourne, I think. Adelaide. Poor man's Melbourne.

And this one in particular that came up the other day, this barman Sorry, just very quickly. Do they still put fucking pub club photos up? Yeah. I can actually not, because back in the day they used to, but you didn't have phones. You'd log onto the

website on a Monday morning. Or their Facebook and they'd post and upload an album of that night out. Saturday Juicies. Yeah. Was there a few shockers of you back in the day? I can imagine it would have been you in some precarious situations. Excuse me? Yeah, I reckon.

You've changed, mate. Oh, what? You haven't. Let me have a look in the back catalogue. I'll put him in the Facebook group. I'd love to see. There's this video where the bartender couldn't find the cocktail shaker to make the mix and shake it all up.

So he's kind of looking around. He doesn't quite know what to do. And it's pretty late in the night. It's a pretty loose venue. And this girl's like, yeah, give me a Midori sunrise or whatever. Oh, yum. And he just goes, oh, I don't have the shaker. Hey, love, come over here.ori sunrise or whatever. Oh, yum. And he just goes, oh, don't have the shaker. Hey, love, come over here.

Face away from the bar and lean back. So she kind of leans the back of her head onto the top of the bar. Like her back is like curved around. Yeah. And then he pours the ingredients in her mouth. So he's like, yeah, a bit of Midori, a bit of vodka, a bit of pineapple juice and a spritz of that. And then he like grabs her mouth, holds it closed,

and then shakes her hand to, like, mix the cocktail. Did she pop a titty out? I'm not sure. The cocktail gets shaken in her head, in her skull. And so he just put the ingredients in. And then he's like, there you go, love. And then she just goes and swallows it. And she's like, oh, delicious.

Thanks, mate. Don't you just love to see that? No. Yeah, you do. That is harrowing. Welcome to the harrowing party. I'll also put a link to that in the episode thread because it is excellent viewing.

My love to see it is a tweet that went viral from David East and it is, absolutely despise when a recipe tells me to add two cups of onion. They don't come in cups. No. They come in onions. Tell me how much of a fucking onion I need. Oh, about two cups?

Yeah. Oh, how much bloody water do you need? Oh, about two fuel tanks worth? Well, um... Can you imagine when you're going to the cafe and you're like, yep, just the scrambled eggs. And they're like, do you want that on toast? Yeah, how many bits do you want?

About 400 grams. Yeah, 400 grams of toast would be perfect. Thank you so much. Three tablespoons of toast. Did you want a large chips? Nah, I'd actually like a football amount. If you could, like, weigh up a football and then give me that amount, that's what I'd like.

I'm with you. And who tweeted that? David East. David East, I'm with you. That is annoying. Thank you. We've had some? David East. David East. I'm with you. That is annoying. Thank you. We've had some recipe beef, no pun intended, but I agree with this one wholeheartedly.

So thank you, David. You fucking love to see that. You do love to see that. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back tomorrow with Normal or Nah. Normal or Nah. Chat to you then. Love you.

Bye. chat to you then love you bye