Toni and Ryan - Flapped Toni and Stoned Ryan

Episode Date: September 29, 2022

Ryan is back!! In all of his former glory - he's back on deck and you fuckin' love to see it! Flapped Toni and a weird edition of Flapped Ryan which turns into Stoned Ryan...? Love u! Toni xx [USED TO BE VIDEO EPISODE BUT NOT ANYMORE LOL TECHNICAL CHAT]Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. We're calling Sarah. Thanks. Sarah, it's Tony and Ryan. Hi, how are you guys? We're well, Sarah. What are you doing? I'm just hanging out, hanging out by the phone, waiting for your call. Well, now this is a big risk, but considering the grand final is this weekend. Yes.

Where are you from? I'm from Penrith. And who's in the NRL grand final? The Penrith Panthers. And are you getting excited and are you willing to make a tip? I am getting excited. And my tip is Panthers for the win. Woo.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Exclusive. Penrith win the NRL Rugby League Championship. Don't even bother fucking watching. Yeah, look, I really don't think anyone needs to watch. I think that's the result. All right, fantastic.

Well, I approve that. Do you approve this episode? Of course I approve this episode. Yay! Aw, thanks, Sarah. Hi, it's Sarah from Penrith and I approve this podcast. Before we get started, can I just say... Oh, my God.

Is that really you? It is really me. Oh, my God. I'm back from the It is really me. Oh, my God. I'm back from the dead. Back from the DAD. Back from the dead. Welcome back. Thanks for your patience.

Thanks for holding down the fort, Tony. Mate. Oh, and a big thank you to Tony and Melissa, also who co-hosted with me this week. I've actually decided next week I've got a feedback segment because there's been a list of things I need to bring up and there's something that other Tony said that I didn't like. Oh.

I didn't like the Tony and Tony show. Oh, okay. Because my anxiety of that's what it becomes. It was a bit too real. Oh, you didn't like that the chemistry was good? It was good. I didn't like feeling how easily replaceable it was. I was like, oh, this is pretty seamless.

No, mate. Well, I mean, you shouldn't feel that way because as you are probably going to bring up next week, people weren't really happy with what I did while you were away. We'll get to all of that next week. Can I just say before we like really dive in that Tony and I, unironically, just had a 20-minute chat about how much we love The Chase. Oh, my. I love that show. Is that a thing in the US?

It's definitely in the UK. And surely if, you know, they- The format's everywhere. It is such a fucking intense show. So I was saying before that, Pippa likes it, my dog. Are you sure? Is that just one of those things where you're like, oh, the dog likes it, I'll have to watch it because you can't admit to yourself that you've absolutely frothed the chase?

Well, we don't normally put the TV on during the day. We'll watch TV at night or whatever. But the last couple of days, because Torbs will go to the gym in the morning and I'll come to work, so I'll pop the morning TV show on just so that she's got a bit of noise in the house or whatever. So she hangs out with Larry and Kylie? Yeah, so she hangs out with, you know, Koshi and Mel. Oh, not Mel.

RIP Mel. Nat. Koshi and Nat. And, yeah, Larry and Kylie. You know, whoever's on. And then, like, we've just left the TV on all day because we've both been busy and she likes the noise or whatever. So then it rolls around to the chase and Pippa, like, rolls up on her bed

and she's, like, sitting there watching the chase. She's like, this is the guy from The Morning Show. What can't he do? What can't Larry do? He's just written a book. Next week. It's called Happy as Larry, which is so smart. That is very funny.

You and I are in studio with Larry and Carly. Do you think I should bring Pippa in? No, I was going to say, Pippa can watch Mum on the screen. How will she react? You'll have to get Torbs to film her watching. That is, I hadn't even thought about that. You know how, like, when people go on the screen, you know how, like, in the Martin Place,

which is where they shoot all the Channel 7 things in Sydney, there's, like, the glass windows and people always hold up those signs and are like, hi, mum. Martin Place, which is where they shoot all the Channel 7 things in Sydney. Yeah. There's like the glass windows and people always hold up those signs that are like, hi, mum. Yeah. I should get Pippa to hold up. From home. Watching at home.

Well, we can make that happen. Yeah. I could craft that up. You could craft that up. Yeah. Well, we'll hear about your crafting soon as well, I believe. But thanks for joining us and thanks for your patience for my days off. And I would like for you to thank me for looking after the show

while you were gone. I literally just said that before. No, I just want you to say it again. Thank you very much for holding down the fork. And I would like to say thank you so much for all the compliments on my brand new hair this morning that you've given me. I really appreciate it. I was actually not saying anything before we started the show,

so I could put in my love to say it. But thanks for ruining your own surprise. I'll think of something else. No, you can still do that. I'll allow it. Flap Tony. Sorry, I'm just really excited to see you. We haven't talked in a couple of days.

Days. Well, that might change because it's time for Flap Tony. Tony often gets flapped. She went on a holiday and decided that this year she would not be flapped. Yeah, except that was like nine months ago now, so we're back to our old ways. I did not get flapped when you said I'm not well. I was like, I'll organise it.

Don't worry, mate. You go back to bed. I was very good in that situation. I still did some stuff from home. But, like, I did. I was the 1%. Tony was the 99%. No, I'm not. stuff from home. But like I did. I was the 1%. Tony was the 99%. No, I'm not like saying you didn't do anything,

but I'm saying I was just like, mate, don't stress. We'll figure it out. I've got the next couple of days covered. We'll figure it out. And I didn't get flapped. Figuring stuff out on the fly. I didn't get flapped. Well, I'll see how not flapped you'll be because let's hear from Verl.

Verl. Hi, Verl. She did a semester abroad. Did you do a semester abroad when you were at university being an audio queen? No. No. I wish that I had. Great times.

I never. But you've lived overseas. I feel so uncultured for not having lived overseas. But you had a deep freezer in your garage. So what is culture? Yeah, that's true. So the Friday night before Verl flew out, so she was going the following week, it was the Friday night,

and someone goes, oh, so where are you staying when you get to the new country? And she goes, oh, I haven't really thought about it yet. What? Because she'd organised her classes and her flights and her insurance and, like, all the school admin. Yeah. And then she kind of goes, oh, yeah, I knew I was forgetting something.

So this was on a Friday night and she's like, oh, maybe I should start Googling a few things in this new country. And then someone's like, babe, it's your last weekend in town. We're obviously going to go out partying. We're not going to see you for a few months. And she's like, you're right. I'll wait till Monday. for a few months.

And she's like, you're right, I'll wait till Monday. What? Not even just the admin side of it. I actually can't deal with this. Not even just the admin side of things of, like, having to organise it, but the extra money. What do you mean? Because it's, like, the longer you leave, like, booking accommodation, it's, like, you to organise it, but the extra money. What do you mean the extra money? Because it's like the longer you leave like booking accommodation, it's like you know how it's like.

It gets expensive, yeah. Yeah, it gets more expensive the closer you are. Wouldn't like the uni have dorms or something that they would have like organised or something? Well, they wouldn't organise, but that would be an option for her to like. To look into. Yeah. Oh, my.

Verl, do we have a follow-up? Do we know what ended up happening? All I know is that it worked out fine. Yeah, she died. She went out that night and never came home. Oh, my God. No, it must have been fine. I mean, she's still in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group to tell the story.

Good on you, Virl. This will fuck you off. I just can't believe that it's just not something you would think about. So, if you were moving countries, because I know you really want to live abroad. Yeah, but having travelled you would have like an Excel spreadsheet

and like, here's all the stuff we need to do before I leave. Get all my stuff in order. Yeah, I do do that actually. I'm a list guy. You're a list guy. Yeah. When I moved to Malaysia Yeah, don't. I had to leave. I think we had to leave for the airport at 4.30 a.m. Because I had like a 6 a.m. flight or like an early flight.

So we had to leave home at 4.30. And I was at a club at 4 and went, fuck, I've got to get home. Thanks for coming in today. I'm going to go. Wasn't your mum like, where the fuck are you? Well, she just said wake me up when it's time to go to the airport because she was driving me to the airport. Yeah, of course.

So then I rolled in. My mum can't drive me to the airport, so that's okay. I'll pay for a cab. But I got home and was like, fuck. So I had a shower because I was like a bit rank. And then, hey, mum, can you drop me in the airport? She's like, okay, I'll get up. And she drove me in.

And then I remember getting like, you know, those obnoxiously large coffees that are way bigger than the one I'm holding here. So I was like, oh, I'm so fucked and tired. So I had this huge coffee. And because I had to, so it was Melbourne to Sydney and then Sydney was the long haul flight. But that like 6am early morning flight to Sydney is always like business people because they're like got a 9am meeting.

For the day. Yeah. For the day. And even though I had this full coffee, by the time, like I don't remember taking off because I fell asleep on the person next to me and it was this lady in like a business suit. You would have stunk as well. Yeah, stunk like shit.

Power suit. And rolls in with a huge, like when you see me rolling in with like jeans and those shoes. You probably got some fucking sunglasses on and stuff. And then I like remember waking up mid-flight like on her lap and being like, sorry. And she was just like looking at it. Like I don't remember taking off. It was like before we even, like I was out for the count. Then I like flopped around Sydney airport for 40 minutes, got on the plane and then just woke up in Malaysia.

That is just. Oh, actually this will fuck you off even more. So I get to the, I finally get to Kuching in Malaysia and this person's at the airport and they're like, oh, Mr. Ryan. I won't do that accent, but Mr. Ryan, I'm your, actually not Mr. Ryan, Mr. Rian, your car, because I'd organised a car and it was a manual and I don't drive manual. No.

At that time in my life I'd never driven a manual car because my parents had autos. I just never had the chance to practice, blah, blah, blah. And so I was like, oh, what's the stick in the middle? And he was like, anyway. And so I get there and it's like. Were you on the right side of the car at least or was that back to front as well?

No, same side. Okay, that's good. So I get this piece of paper and it's like Jalan 44-43. Like that's your address? And you're like, cool, manual car, some address, Asian city. You don't have your Google Maps? No. And they're like no oh and they're like oh and i and i mean it was probably 12 hours later

but i was still feeling pretty awful i bet i cannot believe like that is just not it for me which part of that story scares you the most all of it is pretty awful but the thought of missing a flight like really terrifies me like i've never done it and I think you are a very specific type of person if you're someone that misses a plane. What do you mean? Like I just think if someone ever told me that they've missed a flight, I'd be like, hmm, you're one of those. Yeah, because you are judgmental obviously.

But like I just think it really paints a picture of like the kind of person you are. Well, you don't know what kind of day they had. I just think that you're a certain type of person if you're someone that misses a plane. I just think it really paints a picture of, like, the kind of person you are if you're someone that misses a plane. Well, you don't know what kind of day they had. I just think that you're a certain type of person if you're someone that misses a plane. I just think that. But... Well, I didn't miss the plane that day. That is the next thing that I was going to say.

The thing that annoys me the most about you is that you do just, like, leave things to the last minute and you just, like, leave things to chance and you just, like, hope for the best whenever anything's happening. And, you know, you get home from the club at four and you happen to be home in time to get to the airport, you know. Well, it didn't happen to be home. I left the club on time. But like you do all these things, but it just works out.

I tell you what's – okay, can I be honest? Yeah. I set an alarm on my phone for four o'clock that went off in the club. So I was like, oh, it's time to go home. Well, that actually makes me a bit happier. Yeah, I thought it might. There was some organisation. But things just work out for you.

I don't know, like you've just like, and it's not that you're lucky. You're just like, oh, it'll work out and it just does. I never give it a chance to just work out because I'm like, oh, I'll make sure that I've got like a backup plan. I feel like there's a motivational quote in here somewhere. Someone let us know what it is. Let the universe come to you. Last week we talked about paying for parking

and how I tried to swipe into the supermarket. Oh, with your work pass. So at our local supermarket where Tony and I go, you need a ticket. If you spend money at the shop. It's free for an hour or something. Yeah. So like it sounds like brutal, but it's actually, it's fine. Yeah. And even I think it it's free for an hour or something yeah so like it sounds

like brutal but it's actually it's fine yeah and even i think it's like a dollar an hour or something it's not like seven dollars fifty an hour or anything now if you had to pay for parking yeah like you've been there long enough or maybe pran market oh yeah um where do you pay oh my god fuck off i pay at the station where you're supposed to, like at the stairs. So there's a pay station. There's always a pay station. Like at the doors. Yeah, and you walk out and you put your ticket in.

It goes, oh, you owe us $2.80. You type your card. It validates it. You go and it's fine. That is the dumbest way to pay for parking. The easiest way to pay for parking is when you just drive out and then you get to the thing and you insert the ticket and it goes, oh, you owe us $3.80.

And you go, yep, do it. And you pay it at the thing. The lift, what's it called? The boom gate goes up and you drive straight out. It's so inefficient to go to the pay station. Is the other one an option then? Exactly. Like why are both a thing?

Is it to stop like congestion at the thing in case people can't like find their credit card or whatever? Like so say you drove up to the thing and you're like, oh, I've only got cash and they're like, well, it doesn't take cash. You know, or whatever. Do you think that that's why? So it's like you could pre-organise yourself? Maybe.

Or I just, it flaps Bridget. Oh, I hate it. But I'm just like, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, oh. You're right though because at the other one you can pay with coins or notes or whatever. Yeah, but you can only like tap your card. Maybe that's the reason. I've always thought that as well.

I was like, why is there the point of both? Yeah. I actually don't even think I knew that you could pay at the gate. I was going to say, have you ever paid at the gate? No, absolutely not. Because I'd be worried that all of a sudden that would be the moment that my Apple Pay decided not to work and then I'm like, oh, I put my handbag in the back with all the shopping and I don't have,

you know. And then there's cars behind you. There's cars behind me and I'm stressed, I'm getting sweaty and then I stall my car or something like that. Yeah. I mean, once my car didn't work. That is such a fear of mine that you'd be going through those things and then your car breaks down.

Yeah. But here's the trick. And you've got to keep in mind. Actually, what do you think would happen if you then buzzed the person and said, my car's not. Like, there's cars behind you. You can't back out. Surely they'd just be like, I don't give a fuck.

See ya. They don't give a fuck. You know, like it's not coming out of their fucking. A lot of people forget that people are just other people trying to get through their day. And it's, you know, a matter of three bucks. Yeah. Or it's more a matter of the guy going, well, I could come down and do this, this, this, and this.

Or just go, yep, don't worry about it. So once, so like we've been to the shops, those shops together before. And at the shops, whenever Torbs and I go and do our food shopping or whatever, he is the ticket holder. So like I take the ticket out of the machine. I hand it to him in the passenger seat and he like puts it in his wallet or whatever. Because you can't be trusted? No, just because I'm like, you just, it's just what we've always, I don't know why. Because I think because when I grab it, I put it in my mouth and then Torbz like takes

it out of my mouth because he's like, don't do that. Yeah, don't do that. But you know how that's what you do, like drive around in the thing and you've got the ticket in your mouth. Anyway. And so we, you and I, have been to the shops together before and I'm like, you have to hold the ticket because Torbs is my ticket holder. And what did you say? Bridget's my ticket holder. So, you know, a bit of a problem.

It was a standoff. It wasn't great. And then so we ended up standing there for like five minutes being like, well, I'm not fucking holding it. And you're like, well, I can't hold it because Bridget normally does it. Yeah, so we ended up sitting on the ground in the car park with the tickets in between us. Wrestling over it.

The reason Bridget doesn't like me with the ticket is because I lose them. Oh, well, 100%, of course, that's why. Yeah, I've paid a lot of – The $50. Yeah. Well, once I lost it. So I went to the shops by myself. And what did you do?

And I lost it. How have you made it here today? I know. After this traumatic experience. I know. So I obviously put it in my bag somewhere.? And I lost it. How have you made it here today? I know. After this traumatic experience. I know. So I obviously put it in my bag somewhere. I couldn't find it. And I obviously put it in a safe space that I wouldn't lose and then couldn't fucking

remember where I was, even though it was probably only 20 minutes beforehand. Too safe. Too safe. Exactly. Not even I could find it. And I lost it. And I had a panic attack in the car because I was like, oh my God, I'm going to have to pay the $50. It was a few years the car because I was like, oh, my God, like I'm going to have to pay the $50.

Like it was a few years ago, and I was just like freaking out. Anyway, I tapped on the thing, and I was like, I'm so sorry. Like I've lost my ticket. I don't know what to do. And he was like, okay. And I was like, well, do you want me to pay the $50, or do you want me to come over to the ticket thing? Like what do you want me to do?

He's like, oh, can you just buzz when you get to the boom gate? And I was like, oh, are you sure? And he's like, yeah, yeah, just because I can do it all from there. And I was like, oh, okay, he's obviously going to like come down and make me pay there or something. And I got to the thing and I was like, hi, I'm so sorry, it's the same girl from before. Like just letting – and he just opened the thing.

He didn't even talk to me. He just opened the thing and I was like, oh. He's like, I don't even want to hear your story. I was like, I lost my ticket. He's like, when did you get here? I was like, literally 10 minutes ago. He's like, okay, cool, just drive out. like, literally 10 minutes ago. He's like, okay, cool. Just drive out.

Mate, I work at a fucking shopping centre car park. I don't give a fuck. And because there would be people that would be super rude. Oh, yeah. That would be like your pain. Yeah. Yeah. But.

Hey, mate, you'd be surprised how being nice makes your life so much easier. Oh, my God. Well, you wouldn't be surprised because you're a nice person. I'm a nice person. Some other people would be like, why are people being nice to me? Oh, because you're being nice to them? Yeah. What?

Oh, I've just been an arsehole for the last 30 years. It's a pretty good two-way street, to be honest. It's a good deal. It is actually one of the best deals. It's better than a fucking Domino's cutout, that's for sure. That's pretty good too. That's a pretty good deal. Imagine being nice to the guy from Domino's who's delivering your pizza

after you got a good deal. I mean, fucking won't ruin your afternoon, but it'll make your evening or whatever that saying is that we came up with. Don't whatever that saying is. You know what the saying is. No, I do. It won't ruin your dinner, but it'll make your afternoon. And it is a great saying.

It's so good. It actually tingles me fan when we say it. And I read someone say it the other day. Don't. That's private. Apparently. Anyway, continue on with flaps, Tony. I did something during the week that fucking sent you.

I don't know if this is quite a flap, but you seemed a bit miffed by it. I was going to visit some friends and family out in the sticks. Yeah. And it was kind of near the new house, Beyonce's Airbnb. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you very much. Ryan and Bridget have just bought a house. We have.

They haven't moved in yet. No. So we're in that in-between, the settlement. So it's a 60-day settlement or whatever. So we're moving in soon. But I was in the area and I was like, because, you know, I'm a bit excited. Oh, of course.

Beyonce's Airbnb. Beyonce's Airbnb. You're like, maybe Beyonce will be there. Well, I went there. She wasn't there. You knock on the door, Beyonce. Beyonce. Beyonce.

But I was excited and I just wanted to have another look. So I just dropped in. Like you just parked out the front? No, like went in around the back and was on the deck and just dipped my hand in the pool because it was a warm day here in Melbourne. And I thought, oh, I'm just trying to imagine what it would be like to be in that pool. So I dipped my hand in. I was like, oh, it feels cool.

Are there people living there at the moment? I don't think so. Okay. But then I sat on the – they still have the table and chairs on the back deck. So I sat on the back deck for like five minutes and just took in the sun and just like enjoyed the ambience or whatever and just had a look around, took some photos because we're still trying to plan out like where we're going to put things and do stuff.

Of course, yeah. And so it's sort of hard. It's a lot easier when you're there because you can get a feel of, yep, if we put the table and chairs over there, then we can, you know. And so I was kind of doing that sort of stuff. And Bridget was like, why the hell did you go there? And then I told you and you. I just can't, yeah.

And the other thing that worries me is that are you upset that you've bought a house that's very easy to break into? I didn't break into it. I spent it around the back. But, like, people just going around the back, putting their hands in your pool. That's not good, is it? Well, I don't think.

You'd think that Beyonce would have a lot more of a secure compound, wouldn't you? Can I tell you a secret? Actually, you know this secret. What? Actually, I shouldn't say it. What? When you come over to my house, you just walk in.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I don't lock doors. The whole time I lived at my mum's house in Eltham, never locked the door once. That just stresses me out so much. Because no one's going to come and steal stuff because people are nice.

It's like we were saying before, you're nice to people, they're nice to you. So when you say aren't you concerned that someone's going to come into your house, No, I'm not. Because it's my place. And if they're friends, come on over any time. Just drop in for a cup of tea. I'd love for everybody watching

to go to our Facebook group right now, Tony and Ryan Podcast, and explain to Ryan in today's episode thread why what he's saying is so wrong. Do you lock your door in the apartment building? Yes. Why?

You need a buzzer to get in the front door. But, like, anybody could get in or, like, our fucking garage gets broken into all the time. Like, people, like, sneak into the... Really? Yeah, all the time. All the fucking time. It's such a fucking pain in the ass.

Maybe that's why Eltham's a lot nicer than Richmond. Well, I mean, Eltham is a little bit different, but, like, people still get broken into wherever you are. Like, it doesn't matter how nice you are in that situation. If people are opportunistic, they're going to do it regardless of who lives there. They're not going to go, oh, I saw that guy getting his smile the other day and he smiled at me, so let's not break in there.

I'm going to put it out there. I reckon there's not many pools that if you really wanted to, you couldn't get into. I would just never, ever think about that. It's not mine to think about. But when you joke and be like, oh, aren't you concerned that someone could sneak in and jump in the pool? Think about it.

Oh, no, just because that's what you did. Yeah, I know. But, like, any pool's your pool if you wanted to. I would just never, ever think about that. Other people's business is their business. This is my house. No, I know. But like I'm talking about like in general.

Are you going to go for a swim in someone's pool this weekend? Absolutely not. Have you ever swum in someone's pool without permission? No. So when I was on the Gold Coast for uni games, we were on the way back from a nightclub and I was like, I want to go for a swim. And I knew that it was like,

cause the Gold Coast got some really nice houses and I knew this is really nice place with a pool. So on the way back from the club, we just jumped the fence, jumped in for a swim, you know, like 2am. It's pretty, pretty rowdy.

And then we jumped out and grabbed our clothes, chucked them back on and ran back to the hotel. Did you do fun stuff like that when you were young? No. That's not fun to me. Imagine like... What is fun to you? Being organised, asking for permission to swim in people's pools.

Paying in advance for parking. Yeah. I'm a real laugh riot. Hi, it's Sarah from Penrith, New South Wales, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. On Monday, we are rapping about a Cinderella story with Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray. There's actually a lot of stars in that movie.

Yeah, it's a really good film. Stifled's mum, I totally forgot she was in that. Yeah, Jennifer Coolidge. Yeah, and the girl who was in The Nanny and Californication, Madeline Zima, is one of the stepsisters. And when all these people come out, I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you know all these people.

And the chick that plays Rhonda is the mum from Daddy Daycare. Really? Yeah. One of my favourites. I will add, though, and I'll get into this on Monday, there is continuing beef in the Patreon community because they vote on the movies. Yeah.

And the reason we're doing princess movies is because there was. So many good ones that were missed out. There were some omissions and some anger from last week. And while I thought having a princess category would ease the tension, it has in fact heightened the tension. It has. And we'll get to that on Monday. And a big thank you to a few of the people that are angry.

Lovely Bites, thank you so much. This is a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Lovely Bites. Raina Rivera. Thank you so much. Courtney Ums. Jane Bigby. Thank you very much.

Bigby. Topher Jackson. Jackie Primish. Imogen Tarrin. Maria Jimenez. Fucking Guy. And a special shout out to James King Archibald. Your girlfriend, Anna Gleeson, would like for me to tell you

that you have just lost the game. Oh! And probably fucked up a heap of other people as well, including Ryan John Dunn, who's sitting to my left. Why would you do that on a fucking podcast? I just thought that that was quite funny. I've never been a game person. Like, I never have done that.

I don't really get it, but I'm happy to be part of it. Now I'm going to have to text all my friends that I've lost the game. They're probably listening. Your friends have got good taste. They're not listening. Hey, they need a brain break too, mate. Yeah, true. So yeah, James King Archibald.

So good. If Tom's watching, you just lost the game as well, Tom. Tom? Tom. Tom Wood. Who I met. Oh, someone who listens to the show is friends with Tom Wood and didn't know that we knew each other. And so they texted Tom and go, you should check out this podcast.

They mentioned a place that you used to go to school, Altham. And then Tom's like, yeah, that's one of my best mates. And Tom's like was probably referring to me because I've met him as well. Yeah. Yeah. He's like my best friends. Oh, and Ryan as well. Yeah, and Ryan's also there.

Yeah. So I missed a few days. I was sick this week. Yeah, bless you. How are you feeling? I'm better. But, you know, when you have had some medication and you're dopey and drowsy, sometimes it just, like, takes that extra second for things to click.

Yeah. You just feel a bit cloudy. You've got that brain fog. Yeah. Brain fog. I've been in You've got that brain fog. Yeah. Brain fog. I've been in a bit of a brain fog. Yeah. Oh, sorry.

And there's a story this week, I don't know if you've seen, about NASA. Have you seen a story about NASA? I don't think so. So let me read this for you. They crashed a spacecraft. NASA did? Yeah. Into an asteroid deliberately.

And it's called DART, which is Double Asteroid Redirection Test, and there was this big mission and scientists at NASA and Job Hopkins University, it was like the first time they'd done it, basically they sent this thing that was the size of a vending machine into an asteroid which was about the size of a football field, and the idea is that it like... Knocks it off course.

Yeah, exactly. So when we watch a movie... Sorry, I'm just like picturing the size of a vending machine. And the idea is that it like. Knocks it off course. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So when we watch a movie. Sorry, I'm just like picturing the size of a vending machine. Yeah. Is the thing they sent. And it's the size of a football field, the asteroid. Oh my God. So it turns out, and not to get all sciencey here, that.

I'd actually love to see it, to be honest. Yeah. Okay. So, you know, in Armageddon, the movie. Yeah. Oh my God. And in all movies, there's this concept of like, we need to see it, to be honest. Yeah, okay. So, you know in Armageddon, the movie. Yeah. Oh, my God. What a great movie. And in all movies, there's this concept of like we need to blow it up.

Yeah. Right? Whereas in reality, they're like because it's like six months away or whatever, like if you just knock it the tiniest bit. It's going to actually have like a huge. By the time it, yeah, in six months' time, it will have moved 100 kilometres, whatever. Because only a few degrees would need to shift it off.

Yeah, exactly. I'm pretty smart. You are pretty smart. And it's sort of like it makes sense, right? You go, of course. You're so far away. You just need to. And so you can have something the size of a vending machine

that can just like instead of. Put it out of the way, yeah. Getting Bruce Willis to drill into it and blow it up. I mean, I'd prefer that just because Ben Affleck in that movie is so sexy. Yeah, he's pretty hot. He's pretty hot. I still don't understand when they're like that thing where they go, I think it'd be easier to teach-

Drillers to go to space. Then astronauts had to drill in it. And then NASA goes, yeah, exactly right. All right. So it was 6.26 the other night and I'm watching on the news because they've just done it and they've sent this thing up and it's actually hit the thing and they're back to the control centre and they're like cheering, oh, my God, we've hit it.

And it's knocked it off course. Well, then it cuts to the guy and he goes, yeah, so over the next few weeks we'll take some new measurements and coordinates and we'll see if it's like... Shifted enough or whatever yeah and i was like okay okay and it was so this is like a test to see if it works yeah and and i'm thinking because it was 626 i went if there's an asteroid coming towards earth surely that's a 601 surely that's lead story of the news.

And because in my cloud and in my fog, I didn't realise that this was like a test. I thought there was a football-sized asteroid coming towards Earth. Coming to, yeah, coming to Richmond. Like you're like, it's on the way. It's on the way. And you've got the door unlocked, so it's going to let itself right in. I might have to lock the door. There's an asteroid coming over uninvited.

You get home and the asteroid's in your pool. Oh, my God. Like I said, I was a bit foggy and I was like, why aren't more people talking about this? Why is this at 6. Surely this is the first story of the bulletin. Breaking news. Breaking news.

So I'm a bit like, why is this just like a, and then they cut to the guy and they're like so happy that they've hit, because imagine, you're aiming this thing. Yeah. They sent it like months ago. And it takes that long to get there. And then he goes, yeah.

And like, we'll see if it works. And I'm like, bro. We'll see if it works. Are you joking? Should I call my mum? Like, what do I do? Because I was a bit hazy and stuff. I was like, I'm not a, like, overtly stressed person.

No, you look pretty stressed at the moment, to be fair. Well, I'm trying to express what I was feeling internally. Externally, I was just like, okay. Okay, there's a thing coming towards Earth. Hopefully it works. And they're just hoping for the best. Hoping for the best. Okay. And I reckon I was quiet like, okay, okay, there's a thing coming towards Earth. Hopefully it works. And they're just hoping for the best. Hoping for the best. Okay.

And I reckon I was quiet for about an hour. And then Bridget's like, are you okay? Like she knew I was sick, but she's like, you know. You seem like a bit odd. And I was like, is there a fucking asteroid coming towards Earth? Like how long do we have to wait to find out if that thing worked? And she's like, what are you talking about? I was like, you know how the asteroid's coming to Earth and hits it off?

And she goes, oh, like it's just an asteroid. It's not coming towards Earth. They're just testing to see if the theory works. And I sat there for an hour on the couch just like. Okay, so this is how I feel when you don't pay for parking the way that you felt is how i feel when you're drunk in a club at 4am when you need to be at the airport in half an hour that this is how i feel is that you feel like most of the time yes isn't it horrible? Isn't it awful?

I mean, it'll turn out fine. Okay. What was the first thing you thought you should do while you were, like, contemplating the end of your existence? So obviously you're like, fuck this thing. Like, I want to know what in that situation you thought you needed to do first. Like, what was. Okay. Okay.

Well, without. First of all, obviously I'd just give BJ a big cuddle. Yeah. And I'd actually be relieved because I'm terrified that he's going to die before me. Oh, yeah, yeah. And so at least I would be relieved that I wouldn't have to live in a world without him.

Yeah, that's beautiful. To be honest, though, my main concern wasn't for the earth. It was like the Leonardo DiCaprio movie. I was a bit like, why is not people not? I was more confused why people weren't talking about it. Yeah, right. And because I like work, like I'm just a casual employee, but like work at Channel 7.

I was miffed that this wasn't the lead story. Yeah. And because the AFL Grand Final was last week. And so every, like for the first 10 minutes, it's like, oh, the players are still having beers. Yeah. And it's sort of like. Oh, and by the way. Yeah. Oh, they're at Final was last week. And so every, like, for the first 10 minutes, it's like, oh, the players are still having beers. Yeah. And it's sort of like. Oh, and by the way.

Yeah. Oh, they're at a pub this week. And by the way, an asteroid's coming to Earth. But anyway, we'll get back to the Geelong Football Club. Yeah. And so it's been a running joke in our house at like 6.55. We're like, oh, Bridge, the news is on soon. Wonder where Geelong was drinking beers this week to celebrate.

That's funny. Yeah. And so I was a bit like, surely this asteroid thing is better than 626. Do I need to talk to someone? Yeah. I love that you were like, oh, they could be doing a better job. Well, I was just confused about the selection of the 626 slot. Sure.

Because usually that's a, oh, and it turns out this squirrel can wash a car. It's always the light and fluffy life before they wrap it up. Oh, and before we leave today. You're like, why is this a feel-good story? And in a feel-good story, we're all going to die. Finally relieved of our stress and pain in feel-good. It's finally over. Thank God all of our dogs are going to die at the same time.

And in a feel-good story, we'll never have to see another pet die because we'll all be dead first. And then they go, thanks so much for being here. And they do the fake laugh and they pick up their coffee and they fucking... I'll be honest, when you mentioned the time, I was wondering where you were going to go with it. Can you see why that's now an important part of this story?

Yes, I can. Yeah. Oh, well, I'm sorry for your stress, mate. It was more just confusion. Only you could think there was an asteroid coming to Earth and you're like, fuck, the balance is off in the news today. I wouldn't have put the content in that order. All right.

If you. Always working, mate. Always on. Always working in the end. So if an asteroid is going to hit Earth, what angle should we capture? Yeah, yeah. Should I get three cameras to set up or will two be enough? Two be enough.

All right, so you find out an asteroid's coming to Earth. Yeah. What do you do? I mean, I have everybody that I need with me. You know, like I live with my family, like Torbs and Pippa, like they're my family. I would love to probably go and visit my mum's grave. Like if we've got a couple of months, if we've only got a couple of hours,

I'm probably going to order a pizza and have sex with my boyfriend. You're like, fuck salt. I need some deep fried cheese. Yeah, there's no summer, buddy, if there's no summer. Yeah, exactly. Sucked in, idiot. So what's the line? If a few hours is pizza and sex and a few months is visit your mum,

where's the line? I mean, if you've got four days. Yeah, four days. Yeah, I could probably get to Perth. I mean, flights would be a four days. Yeah, four days. Yeah, I could probably get to Perth. I mean, flights would be a fucking fortune, wouldn't they? That'd be expensive. Yeah, everyone would be trying to get around.

Oh, I'd probably just stay at home. She knows. I'll be seeing her in four days. She's going to be there, mate. And in today's feel-good story, reunited. Inventors, I don't know if I'm going where she is. I've said some bad shit. You've done some fucked up things.

Mum, it's a lot warmer than you said it was up here. Oh, you're not in the same place I am, sweetheart. And I'm not your mum. I feel like we need to Get the fuck out of here Sorry that my not flap story was a flap story I just love that you were contemplating the end of the earth And you were just sitting there like

God, I wouldn't have run that at 6.26 I'm not a stoner But it felt like. That's like what you were going through. The stereotype. How slowly you were thinking about it. Yeah. It took me like an hour to comprehend 20 seconds of information.

Like it's the process. I love that Bridget's just like on her phone and an hour later, she's like, you're all good. I was like, are we going to die? And she's like. She's playing Candy Crush. She's like, fuck, are we? I wasn't listening. I will not leave this planet until die? And she's like. She's playing Candy Crush. She's like, fuck, I wasn't listening. I will not leave this planet until I figure out today's world.

Are we going to die? Yeah, but what's a vow that goes. Things you'll have to see. I want to send a shout out to Carly, who lives in, I think it's South Carolina. Hey, Carly. She really, she's graduated university. Oh, congratulations. Get around her.

Fuck yeah. Her dream job, and I think this will be a lot of people's dream jobs, to be honest. I'd love this job. It's to work at Valiant Labs, which is a division at Nike that works around creative ideas. Because you know how Nike makes some, like, incredible videos? But also just, like, the brand is pretty creative and they try stuff and they're innovative. Totally. So it's called Variant Labs and it's, like, a little offshoot division of Nike that, like,

that's the creativity lab. Oh, that's cool. So you imagine for the right kind of person, that's, like... Oh. And they definitely have, like, beanbags and ping pong and, like, snacks and stuff. So they weren't... Get a free ping pong and like snacks and stuff. So they weren't. Get a free gym membership and shit. Absolutely.

Like how big would that be? Maybe so. Do you reckon we could do that with our business? Can our business, is that a perk we could like implement for our employees? Because now we have, we do have a business. Well, we don't have. Because for so long we didn't have a business. We didn't, but we do have one now.

We don't have employees though. Oh, am I unemployed? Yeah. Oh my now. We don't have employees, though. Am I unemployed? Yeah. Oh my god, I hope the asteroids come and serve me. We mentioned before that I've bought a house. Yeah. Can I just say... Can I stay with you? You can, there's plenty of spare room.

When you go to the bank and say, I'd like a big loan, I want to buy Beyonce's Airbnb, and they go, cool, what do you do for work? And I go, I buy Beyonce's Airbnb. And they go, cool, cool. What do you do for work? And I go, I've got a podcast. And they go, no, what do you do for work? Yeah, and I go, oh, no, I just have a podcast.

I'm a white guy. I'm 30, so obviously I've got a podcast. Obviously, yeah. And they just went, what? They went, are you sure you're not 40? Sorry. I was really proud of that. Anyway, yeah, Nike division of creativity.

So they're not hiring, right? Okay. So, well, Carly goes, well, I've got to get creative. There's no just like online job form. No. But this is my dream job. I've got to shoot my shot. I've got to have a craft.

Yeah. She has to just do it. She had to just do it. And she decided to make a cake that had her resume in the top. That is awesome. And who's saying no to a cake? Yeah. So she goes, I'll get the cake delivered.

And in the top, it's got her whole LinkedIn profile. Like, here's my experience. And I was part of the Creativity Club at uni. And here's my assignment of my marketing project. Yeah. So Carly lives on the opposite side of the country. She's in North Carolina and Nike is in Seattle. So she uses Instacart, which is like a delivery driver service,

and the driver's name is Denise. And Carly says to Denise, it's really important that the boss gets this in their hands. And she explains the story and then Denise is like, girl, I get it. I fucking got you. I saw you out. I'm fucking all in their hands. And she explains the story and then Denise is like, girl, I get it. I fucking got you. I saw you out. I'm fucking all in. And so Nike has like a, you know how the big tech companies have like a campus? It's not just like a building, it's like a campus.

Yeah, like a big compound of like. Yeah, so it just says like, you know, one Nike street. But of course, Variant Labs is like one part down the, you know, who's, the address just says here. Yeah. And the girl in the Instacart, she's got her baby with her because she's driving delivery.

She's a working mum. Okay. She's got the cake. So Denise has got her baby and the cake. And the cake. Yeah. And in her ear, in the AirPods, Carly's like, oh, you're going to find Variant Labs. Yeah.

His name's fucking Carly. And she's just driving her fucking Tesla around trying to find it. She's like, I fucking got you. Seattle, I guess. Yeah. So she goes up to the thing and goes, variant labs, this way, blah, blah, blah. And then they're like, yep, you just leave it at the desk.

And she's like, no. This needs to get to the boss. There's a party on today, apparently. Yep. The asteroid's coming. I need to get to variant labs. Yep. And the receptionist is like, okay.

And takes her through and whatever. And then gets through and, like, weaves her way through the whole thing with the kit in hand and drops it off because she is like, okay, and takes her through and whatever and then gets through and, like, weaves her way through the whole thing with the kid in hand and drops it off because she's like, I don't know Carly on the other side of the earth, but country. Well, it's still here. But she needs this job. She wants this job.

Sisters, we're taking care of each other. I'm not leaving. That's amazing. She only finds a bus and puts it down. And so it arrived. Nike has received it. There's been some communication. We don't know if there's a job yet.

Oh, my God. Please keep us updated and let us know. But Denise, the delivery girl, said, I'm so inspired by Carly's creativity and tenacity. And then I'm looking there at my daughter. She's like, this is my moment. So I'm going to make it. She's like, I'm sick of doing Instacacart i've always wanted to start my own thing and she's been and now they're like friends and

stuff and so the driver's like if carly can go for it then so can i and she's like going back to college and doing her thing and like has these big plans for her and her daughter so carly and denise are best friends now i assume so yes oh yes. Oh, my God. That's so cool. Yeah. I thought you were going to say that Denise was like, got there and was like, this looks like a sick place to work. And then she got the job. Thanks for the cake, though.

Yeah. We ate it and it was so lovely. Thanks for that, babe. I just scratched your name out and put mine on there. Shh. Denise. Oh, my God. That is so fucking sweet. You. Shh. Denise. Oh my god. That is so fucking sweet. You love to see it.

Oh, you do love to see that. Well, my love to see it is a tweet that I saw from Max the Puppy and it says, I set my alarms extra early to make sure I have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up. Ain't that the truth.

So similar calibre, obviously, to what you're doing. Are you a one alarm person? Yeah, I am. Yeah, you would be. I am. It's so much worse for you if you wake up earlier and snooze. I am a one alarm person until the day I die, which is soon, because that's true.

For the next four days. Yeah. Enjoy. Thanks for spending your last few days with us. It's not like a robot. Thank you for spending your last four days with us. I've been very unwell this week and now you're mocking me. You're fine. Thanks for holding down the fort. Love that you changed your love to see it from my hair

to... Well, you already spoiled that one. To Carly and Denise. How's Denef you? I see what you're doing and I don't like it. Doesn't really work the same. Anyway, thank you so much for listening and watching. It wasn't Denef. Yeah, that's better.

That is better. I'm glad the world's ending. Oh, and this is a terrible time to tell you, but this is a vodcast episode. So when you, on the Spotify app, at the bottom, you can hit play and stream it to your TV and stuff. Anyway, we fucking love you. Thank you so much for listening.

I'm off sick again next week. God, it must be so easy for you. Because you know that I'll do all the work. Who did the work when you were sick? Me. We take care of each other. Thank you. What a terrible note to end this podcast on.

Love ya. Mwah. Oh, thanks. Is that better? Saved it. Yeah. Love you, bye. Watch my hand go through a screen that look weird on the split screen

it's rude meow when's this asteroid coming.