Toni and Ryan - Flashing your colleagues

Episode Date: January 16, 2022

The moment we've all been waiting for: The final nipple update! And your best condom stories. Love ya! Toni x Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Hi, it's Tom from Brisbane and I and Ryan podcast. Should we do a cute, like, welcome the and podcast? My response is my answer. Okay.

Thank you to Thomas Anand, who works in a hotel in Brisbane, for approving this episode. He's about to be in a hold-up at the hotel he works at. He's about to bust someone and kick someone out with drugs. Yeah. The reason his approval was a bit shorter is going to come up in feedback, and all I will say, it's because of the dog-wanking incident. Yep, from last week. From last week.

From last week. And we'll get to that soon. Also coming up, you're going to hear some of the best and worst condom stories from the Tarpers. Oh my God. I loved that people loved when we were talking about, wouldn't it be funny if you could buy condom from Macca's and like crazy one night stand stories. So yeah.

The responses are wild. Amazing. Yeah. But is it fair to say, Tony Lodge, that today is a celebration? It is. We've got some good news. We've got some great news. So if you're just joining us and it's your first time here, welcome. Welcome to the TARP.

The TARP. I was going to say the TARP podcast. That's the Tony and Ryan podcast. It's like when people say ATM machine. So last year, which is actually not me being funny, that's like last year, so it was about two months ago, I mentioned that I had a really dry, cracked nipple, got a lot of messages from people saying,

hey, that's not something that a balm will clear up. It could actually be the beginning of Paget's disease, which is breast cancer. And I got a lot of messages and because of that I balm will clear up. It could actually be the beginning of Paget's disease, which is breast cancer. And I got a lot of messages and because of that I went to my GP. My GP was actually very concerned and I've, for the last two months, been kind of going through it and waiting for, you know, tests and appointments because at the moment in Melbourne COVID is kind

of ruining everything and you can't get appointments to do anything. You can't just rock up to a place and get a test. No, you have to do like a COVID declaration and stuff anyway. How many appointments and tests and scans and whatever in total do you reckon you've had to do with your boobs over the last few months? Probably six different scans and tests. Yeah, and then appointments as well?

Yeah. So it's just been a really long journey and it's actually, it's been really stressful because what I thought would happen is that I would go to the GP and they would say, you've just got psoriasis or whatever. That wasn't the case. They were very concerned about how it was presenting and my age. I've had, yeah, every scan, as you said, under the sun, I ended up having a biopsy on Wednesday and I had to wait for all this stuff to come back and it was really, really scary. It was quite serious.

But I found out that it's not cancer. And what has been a very, very stressful few weeks has ended really well for me and I'm so, so thankful. But I wanted to say like a massive thank you to everybody that reached out and said, Tony, any change in your boobs or nipples, and this is for every breast-haver, any folk that have breasts, make sure that you listen to this. I didn't know.

Any changes in your nipples, your breasts, any discharge, you need to go to your fucking doctor straight away. If you are due for a mammogram, go and fucking get it. If you are due for a pap smear, checking your prostate, like anything that you're supposed to do, if you're supposed to do a bowel cancer screening, do it. Spread your cheeks, get in there, folks. Can I just add something?

And I know we're, I say we because we've been through this all together. We have, though. Like I've been stressed and it's affected what we've been able to do. Hey, hey, I'm here for you, mate. Don't worry about me. However, I agree. Go to the doctor. Yes.

And I don't want it to sound like Tony or me, because I'm involved now, not thankful for everyone's help and support and suggestions. However, doctors trump asking people on the internet most times. Yes. So it was very scary getting lots of messages, people being like, you've got cancer. I didn't want to get those messages. And I was even more scared when my doctor went,

well, actually, yeah, it might be. Thankfully, it isn't that. I'm very, very lucky, very grateful for my health. It has been a long couple of weeks. So how many tears were yesterday when we got the news? A lot. A lot. My brother called me straight away and I was driving back from my,

so I ended up with a breast surgeon. Like I've got a surgeon now yeah just on call I just ring her up exactly um and I was on driving back and my brother rang me and he was like are you fucking serious like you're okay and I just pulled over and just bawled my eyes out because it's just been a a few weeks of such serious emotions that I was like you know what we're fine if I if it is cancer and we have to go through treatment or whatever, we can sort that out. And I was very positive.

I was going to say you were so resilient and like it is what it is. I can only control what I control. I don't want to say what I was like expecting. No, you can say it. Let me just say I was very proud, surprised but proud, about how resilient and upbeat and just doing what you can. I've said this to you off air, but I'll say it now. It felt like when you told me that I had a backpack

of 100 kilos taken off, like I was so relieved for you. I could only imagine what you were going through. However, I've got beef. Oh, with me? Yeah. So you waited until I'm healthy. Now you're like, all right, I'll bring you back down. No, no, no. So you found out the news yesterday. Yes. Like I said, a huge relief. Yeah. And I was nervous all day. I could only imagine what you. Yeah. And I sat in the front of the doctor's surgery for an hour because my surgeon was running late. There we go. So, like, I'm sitting there sweating, just panicking. Yeah. So you said that you and Torbs had, like, a tear and a relief and just a thank God kind

of moment together. Yeah. You and your brother were on the phone crying and stuff. Yeah. How far down the list am I of people you told? I texted you at the same time I text my brother as soon as I walked out of the surgery. Who did you text first? Your own family.

I think I probably texted Jame and then I probably texted you. Who was the first one? My brother, Jamie. Jamie. Yeah, I probably texted him and then I texted Torbs while I was in the play still. In the room. She's like, cool, that'll be $6,000. I'm like, yeah, cool.

And I'm texting Torbs at the same still. In the room. She's like, cool, that'll be $6,000. I'm like, yeah, cool. And I'm texting Torbs at the same time. Now, we learnt last week that a lot of people, including you, suffer from when I'm nervous, I talk. Yes. You were telling us how you were trying to make jokes and small talk with the doctors. While I was getting blood tests and stuff, yeah. How many stand-up routines did you perform during the week?

Yeah, I've really gotten my type five, you know, it's sharp now. I actually, I think that because it ended up being so serious, I just was asking lots of questions. But my specialist surgeon, her name's Chantelle Thornton. She's like a fucking rock star of breast cancer. Like when you walk into her office, it's like a house and she's just got the whole hallway is covered in framed newspaper articles of people whose lives she's saved

and it's up. She's like saved so many lives. She's got two little kids and she recently bought a building for her patient's partners to stay in if they're from out of town. Like she bought it. That's so nice. Yeah. And she's known for doing surgery in like hot pink high heels and stuff.

Like she's just a fucking boss. What a baller. Yeah. I've got a question for the Tarpers, which I don't know how you feel about me asking everyone this. Okay. Yep. Considering what Tony's been through and what was the really invasive one?

The biopsy. The biopsy. Yeah, and I didn't even know that I was having that. They were just like, we're going to do this biopsy and they shoved this needle in me tit. It really hurt. So the, what would you say, the after effects of it? It's painful, right?

It's so fucking sore. So I want to know, normal or nah, females showing their male friends photos of their oozing, bruising, bleeding boobies. Okay, it was for science. It was for science. And I'm not saying nah. I'm just asking the question, normal or nah. And what shocked me, though though is you didn't say

oh like do you want to see no i was i just said i'm showing you a photo it's barely that i was just like so how did it go and you're like look at this and i was like fuck that's tony's boobs and look at all is that weird well i don't know your wife listens to this is she going to be upset that i showed you my breasts it was for medical reasons and it was only one. It's not as if I showed you a pair of boobs. And you were like in the selfie in the mirror. Yeah, it wasn't like. It wasn't cute. It was like, it was a tracking purpose photo, you know.

So we're saying, you're saying normal for science. I'm saying normal for science, but also I wouldn't just do that to any colleague. Like you're my, like you're a mate. Like you're one of my closest friends. Oh, one of. Well, apparently I'm down the list you're a mate. Like, you're one of my closest friends. Oh, one of. Well, apparently I'm down the list on the phone calls. It's a tier. Best friends,

close friends. It's a tier. It's not a person. But anyway, no, you are up on the list, but so Leave your comments in the episode thread. Yeah, I want to hear, I want to hear what people My answer is normal, but give them a heads up. Or ask them. Alright, well, next time that I'm really scared about my health, I'll fucking talk to you first before, you know,

trying to share my life with you. Thank you. Well, actually, something terrible happened while I was texting you. Oh. Yesterday as I was leaving the surgery. Yeah. So I have spent weeks thinking what the fuck is wrong with me and especially the last week and a half has been very,

very stressful because I've been at the pointy end of getting tests and everything. Yeah, we haven't mentioned a lot but like it's, yeah. It's been heavy. It's been a lot. And, oh, yeah, it was just so much to deal with. And anyway, I'm just overwhelmed when she tells me what is wrong. By the way, it's like a bacterial infection.

I've got a steroid cream to take care of it. Thank you so much, Kelly from HR. Should have just listened to you from the beginning. My first time, yep. But anyway, so it's a nasty infection that needs a bit of love. I can't wear a bra for four weeks. You'll notice in the videos. And anyway, so I'm like fully overwhelmed after I'm leaving

the doctor's surgery and I'm texting my brother, texting you, messaging my sister kind of thing, letting everybody know, and I'm not watching where I'm going. Are you driving? No, no, no. While I was walking out of the surgery. Oh, okay, right, yeah. But I'm like on my phone. My brain is in like 70 different fucking places.

Absolutely, yeah. And I wasn't watching where I was going and I fucking face planted out the front of this cool woman's fucking surgery. She's doing heels. So she's doing surgery in heels and you can't even walk out her door in flats? Yeah, I was wearing slides. Like there's no excuse.

You checked out. And I was literally just like, Anna, you know when you fall over like in in flats? Yeah, I was wearing slides. Like there's no excuse. And I was literally just like, and it happened, you know when you fall over like in slow motion? Yeah. So my kind of ankle like rolled like this and I went like a camel sitting down. Like it happened like in three parts. And then I grabbed onto the- The three-act show.

Yeah, people got popcorn in the middle. That's how fucking long it took. And because I've just had the biopsy of my left breast, I'm quite sore and I have, like, you had to carry my handbag the other day because I had all my stuff in it. When you put the seatbelt on in the car, watching you try and do that was an ordeal. And so I grabbed onto the fence.

Oh, fuck, man. But I've, like, tensed up all the left side of my body. And, oh, it hurt so much. I'm like holding my very expensive handbag, trying to make sure, you know. Anyway, so my knee is all busted up and all swollen and I've got like a big bruise on the top of my foot. You don't? Yeah.

Look at this little bone sticking out of the side of my foot. Holy shit. I know. I thought you were just adding a bit of mate. No. That's a legit thing. Yeah, like I fucking rolled my ankle. It's so swollen.

So did you walk straight back in there and go, I know you do boobs, do ankles and go up? Hey, it's Tom from Brisbane, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Welcome back to Tony and Ryan. Quick question.

Will you be putting cancer-free in your Instagram bio? I mean, surely. I mean, I'm allowed now. Yeah. After a cancer scare. Yeah. But all jokes aside, if you do see any changes in your breasts, please take it seriously. I didn't.

I didn't know. And, yeah, I would just like to really reiterate that. If you've got any problems, you're better off going to your GP, pay the fucking consult fee just for that peace of mind. Get it done. Good call. A big thank you to our champion tapas, Lisa Friesenbacher, Alyssa Lopez, Bella Carlini-Rath, thank you,

Nathan Walford, Abby Hillier and Lee Kelly-Rapley, thank you so, so much for all of your support. If you want to check out our Patreon, it is patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan. We release two exclusive Patreon-only episodes a month. Yep. You can vote on the videos that we watch, the videos, the movies. The movies we watch. This week we're watching Scary Movie.

Yeah, the movies. The movies we watch. This week we're watching Scary Movie. Yeah, number one. I feel really bad because someone commented. So basically which Scary Movie spoof are we going to watch? Yeah, because the new Scream came out and we watched Scream earlier this year for Halloween. How funny is watching Scary Movie after Scream? It's the best way to watch it. Remember I said to you I'd only ever seen Scary Movie,

so I didn't know that Scream was going to be so different. But it's a lot funnier now that I've seen Scream. So we have people from all around the world listening to the podcast and join us as tapas and obviously a lot of cultural differences and maybe language barriers. I don't know if you saw this comment. Someone said, oh, hey, guys, scary movie is actually more of a comedy than it is a horror film.

Yep. And, like, the choice, like, the segment was called Spoofs and I don't think they. Because spoof in the US is cum? No, that's spoof. Spoof. Isn't spoof and spoof two different things? Well, it is, but is that what they thought?

No, I think they thought, oh, they've chosen Scary Movie because they want to watch a scary movie. Oh. And I was like, oh, hey, yeah, we know. So they're paying to listen to this podcast, which is actually free, and they don't know that we know comedy. I mean, that's on them. I mean, is it?

Is it? Everyone else can't be wrong. So thank you very much to our tapas. Thank you. A lot of feedback from last week. From the Thursday episode, we had a guy to approve the episode as we do every episode. Mac.

There was a bit of name confusion. The big Mac? John Mac. John Mac. Yep. How funny was he? He's like, oh, my name's John but it's a fucking shit name. Isn't that right, Ryan John?

I was like, oh, okay. Okay, great. Yeah, cool. I wasn't adopted. We won't go into the ins and outs of his story again. All I'll say is I'll categorise it in the dog wanking area. It is in the dog wanking area. A big, a popular category.

He's like, normal or nah, wanking your dog. And I think we were. Okay, I think, you know, he said, is it normal or nah that your dog maybe needs a bit of extra attention every time you get home? I thought that that got a bit lost in translation and said, is he asking about... Permission to jerk his dog off.

Yeah, and we were like, well, no, you can't do that. And he said, no, no, no, no, he assured us that's not what he meant. But it didn't sound great. And he said, no, no, no, no, he assured us that's not what he meant. But it didn't sound great. And because of that. The approvals are now going to be a shorter, simpler, risk-free, dog-free zone. Yes, wank-free. And thank you to Thomas Anand.

For approving today. Yeah, and being in a Brisbane hotel while he did it and in the middle of a crack bust. Yeah, well, he just found some. You know what? We actually probably can't talk about that, can we? Because we've given his full name. Of course. Well, and this is the reason the approvals crack bust. Yeah, well, he just found some... You know what? We actually probably can't talk about that, can we? Because we've given his full name. Of course.

Well, and this is the reason the approvals are shorter. Yeah. Because we're... Legality-wise, I mean, we can't afford to hire a legal team, but if you want more, you know, salacious content, then join our Patreon so we can afford one. Yeah, and then we can have the meth busts. Yeah.

Meth busts. Spin off. All right, so last week we got talking about the guy who tried to reuse a condom and we were saying, is it that hard when you're on, yes, is it that hard when you're on a one-night stand to stop at a service station on the way home from the bar knowing you're short on condoms? Maybe have some in advance if you're going out for a hook-up.

It was for a Tinder hook-up, so surely you're organising that on the way home from the bar, knowing you're short on condoms. Maybe have some in advance if you're going out for a hookup. It was for a Tinder hookup, so surely you're organising that on the way. Even if it's a positive thinking. Yes. I hope I get to use these. Yeah, yeah. Go buy them. Yeah. And we said how good would it be if, like,

you could get condoms in the Macca's drive-through. Yeah. So you could be like, oh, let's get a cheeseburger and a pack of Johnnies, you know, or Uber Eats or whatever. I won't use this person's name because they work at Coles, the Australian supermarket, not the US, whatever store that was. Coles also. I am an online shopper for Coles.

So their job is when you go online shopping and do a whole basket, he's the one that literally gets your printout and he'll walk the aisles for you and fill your basket. So that's his job. Yeah. One night I got an order late in the evening. Oh, my God. It was only a couple of items.

I was like, yep, no worries, because you pick it up, you go and do your thing. It was for two packs of condoms, two bottles of lube, two Lebanese cucumbers and a cherry ripe. Someone's having a good night and it wasn't me. Because the whole time he's picking up these items just being like, what the fuck is going on? And the Lebanese cucumbers, are they drinking gin

or shoving up their bum? Well, I'll give you a clue. No gin was ordered. Yeah. And at least they're being safe. They bought condoms. Yeah, I mean. They're not going to have any baby cukes.

That's why they needed two bags, one for him and one for the cucumbers. He also said the awkward moment was because they're delivered by Uber Eats people now as well. Yeah, so they pick and pack it and then, yeah. So then they come in and they go, oh, I'm here to get the one with the cereal and the milk and the blah, blah, blah. And this person comes in and goes, oh, I'm here to get the cucumbers and the condoms.

And so the awkwardness I felt was then felt by the Uber person. Then we're having this awkward exchange together. Trying to avoid what they're doing. Oh, no. But that's what I said. It's awkward for the late night people at the servo or the Coles or whatever that are like, okay, all you want is a Powerade and a bag of contacts. Now, this person has said, please leave my name out because both my fiancé and the person

we used to live with, our old roommate, listened to the pod. I mean, they're going to know the story, but they would prefer to not be. No, that's fair enough. Not be indicted. Is that the right word? What's indicted mean? I don't know. Are you accusing me of saying words that don't make sense?

No. Not on this podcast, mate. Indicted. Past tense, indicted. Formally accused or charged. Oh, yeah, I guess that works. tense, indicted. Formally accuse or charge. Oh, yeah, I guess that works, yeah. Oh, yeah, fuck you. Formally accuse or charge.

Not me getting the right words. Yeah, good job. How dare you accuse me of something? I just accuse. Accuse. One night me and my fiancé had been out and got pretty drunk and we were going back to his flat and obviously sex was on the cards. Who talks like that?

Obviously sex is on the cards. Sorry. I said I wasn't going to. You can't say who it was. Yep. They know who they are and she used those words. Yeah, okay. Shame on you.

Shame on you. A condom was used because we're all about safe sex. Good for you. Here, yep. When we finished, he went to the bathroom to, you know, get cleaned up, whatever, we went to sleep, all was good. The next morning we get up and his flatmate was acting a bit off. I always made sure to be as quiet as possible when we were banging

and so I was getting a bit awkward that maybe he heard me. Yeah, but when you're drunk, sometimes it just gets away from you sometimes. Doesn't it? Yeah, that and also when you are drunk at 3am, you think you're being quiet. That's what I mean. It just gets away from you and you're like, oh, shh, shh. But that's way louder than you going, mm.

Yeah, yeah, the shushing is louder than the moans. That's the name of my book, by the way. Congratulations. The shushing is louder than the moans. I didn't want to make things awkward, so I thought I would just let it go. Okay. Because, you know, the room. You just don't want to bring it up.

And the roommate of the fiancé, they're not just roomies, like they're bros, like they're best mates. Oh, okay. He's going to be the best man at the wedding. Oh. After I left and went home for the day, my flatmate pulled my fiancé up. My fiancé was not off. Up.

Pulled him up. As in, hey, I've got a question. Got him up. Gave him a boner. Sorry. My fiancé was so drunk on the night in question that he thought he put the condom in the bin, but he actually dropped it on the floor in the middle of the lounge room as he walked from the bedroom to the bathroom.

Because, you know, a little apartment he walked across the lounge, dropped it. So I just sat in the middle of the lounge room as he walked from the bedroom to the bathroom because you know a little apartment he walked across the lounge dropped it so i just sat in the middle there my flatmate got up for a piss in the middle of the night and stood on it and as you can imagine when you stand on the wrong end of it it like squirts it out the Oh, my God. My fiancé's jeers ended up on his foot and he had to wash it off in the shower in the middle of the night. Pregnant. Accidents happen. Oh, my God.

Oh, you would be so, like, even if you're mates, that's fucked. The second most mortifying part of this story, she says, is when I, because then, you know, she finds out, the next time we went over there, because it just, do we mention it? Do we just look cool? We all know what's happened. Yeah. She goes, that was the second scariest part.

The most scary part, he is the best man at their wedding, which is next month, and he is making a speech. He just said, similar to last week, oh, it's fine, don't worry about it. And she's like, fuck, fuck. Like that's not. We're not getting away with this. And so think about all the things you're nervous about in the build-up to a wedding.

She is just now like, what's he going to say about it? He's making a speech. My family's going to be there. We're not married yet. So there's a kind of... Should we have been sleeping together before now? Oh. Thanks for your feedback.

Oh, my God. Thanks for sending three stories, though. Oh, I love it. When people share stories, it makes me feel like they really care about what we talk about as well. You ever like, oh, they liked that. Yeah. Today, we have a joint you love to see it.

I've got my own. We said we were doing a joint one. I just thought you said, do you want to do a joint? And I was like, yeah. You said we were doing a joint. Okay, and there you go. They're both from both of us. No, you said we were doing a joint one.

Are we not? You should have had a meeting. We should have spent three fucking hours talking about what we were going to do on the show today. Too soon to joke about that. We had some technical issues. Don't bring it up. Well, my love to say it has nothing to do with Ryan, and I love it, and he said he hated that this happened.

A bunch of tarpers from around the world got together last week and listened to our episode together on Zoom. This was cute as fuck. It's so lovely. So a few, you'd recognise some names, Smosh Smodgers. He was there. Monique DeRocha, She's always on the treadmill. Surprised she got off the treadmill to make the Zoom call.

Oh, me too. I was expecting to watch her on the Zoom call, like, you know, puffing and puffing on the treadmill. I believe Ali Duckett from China. Ali Duckett was there. She doesn't miss a beat, Ali Duckett. But, yeah, a whole group of people. Caitlin Gardner.

Yep. She was there. A few other people. There's other people there. Have you not done your research and prepped and had three hours? Well, it was for both of us, so I thought that maybe you would contribute something, but you said, oh, I hated that they did that.

I don't hate that at all. I genuinely love to see it. Well, apparently not, because it was going to be a joint you love to see. Now it's not. Anyway, it was very, very lovely, and every single person that was on that Zoom has sent me and you an individual message and saying, thank

you so much for creating this community. I can't believe I've made friends around the world like I have. And it was just really, really lovely and made me feel so warm inside. So it was a genuine you love to see it. Yeah, that one's for both of us. No, fuck off. Okay, I got one then. I got one then.

Last week, you said that you started watching and loving Vampire Diaries. Yes. Yep. So we took the recommendation, my wife Bridget and I, and decided to watch a bit. Oh, that's so stressful. Yep. And you know what I love to see?

Me giving a shit recommendation? It was shit. It's not shit. It's good. I told you it was trash. Yep. And it is. Yeah, that's true.

It's good trash, though. But it was the specific line from my wife, Bridget, who said, You know what? That kind of running joke where you give the bad recommendations and then it kind of turned. This confirms that Tony is in fact, and this is what my wife said,

a basic bitch. I know that. That no one has ever said I'm not a basic bitch. That no one is arguing that fact. But what a your wife's not a basic bitch, she's just a bitch. I saw her this morning and told her that she looked hot as fuck

in the dress that she was wearing. She did? Yeah. You didn't say that about my jacket that I'm wearing now? No, because it's shit. Anyway, yeah, you think I'm bad. Oh, you're wearing a white denim jacket. I hate it here.

This podcast is supposed to end on a nice note and you've been a jerk. You can't use your love to see it to be mean to me. I've been really ill. I've been sick. You're a mean to me. I've been really ill. I've been sick. You're a cancer scare survivor. I've been sick. And you're going to say this to me. I waited until you were cancer free.

I don't know if we can make an episode tomorrow. I can't believe you made me pay for breakfast for the two of us this morning. Get absolutely fucked. I was. We can't end the podcast on this note. Why not? You know what? Go ahead.

I don't like it. You can't go to bed angry. All good. Not that we're about to. I've already seen your boobs this week. When you messaged and said I can't wear a bra for four weeks, what was my response? So it's not my birthday till June.

Whatever. You've got seven seconds to turn this around. That's my best pickup line, by the way. Oh, yeah, that is sexy. Love you. Yep. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up.