Toni and Ryan - Four weddings and a bedroom

Episode Date: January 17, 2022

Things you can say at a wedding and in the bedroom, and risking everything for free shipping! Love ya! Toni Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, this is Jarvis from Sydney and I approve this podcast. Welcome to Tony and Ryan. Hello. Yeah, I was going to say your favourite podcast, but I'm not going to assume that on your behalf. I hope that it is someone's favourite podcast. I hope it's your only top five. Oh, top five's a good place to be. Yeah, good areas.

You know as well because everybody kind of, the popular podcasts of the world, people are kind of listening to the same kind of ones like My Dad Wrote a Porno or Hamish and Andy or Inspired Unemployed or the Always Sunny podcast, that's popular at the moment. Yeah, I love that TV show. You know, like so there's kind of like it's always good company when people say these are my five favourite podcasts.

Yeah, I like that. Yeah. I like that. I like that. Coming up, something we've all experienced. I was shopping online and didn't meet the minimum requirement for free express shipping. I hate that.

And I've bought something. To top you up. And I need help. How much was it for free shipping? What was the threshold? So it was $100 and I was at like $99.90. And I'm like, well, I'm not paying $10 when I could pay 10 cents. What's the cheapest thing on the menu?

Literally. I'm like, do you have a side salad? $10 when I could pay $0.10. What's the cheapest thing on the menu? Literally. I'm like, do you have a side salad? All right, we'll get to that soon. But first of all, and this segment is where I guess a lot of people find us through Instagram and TikTok, things you can say in the bedroom. And today, things you can say at a wedding. Yeah. And also in the bedroom.

I'll be cutting that cake. Nah? Yeah, it's just straight out of the gates. Oh, yeah, because kids say that on TikTok about bums now. Cake. Yeah. Oh, is that not what it is? No, it is.

I just, thanks for explaining it, Boomer. Oh, my torch not what it is? No, it is. I just, thanks for explaining it, Boomer. Oh, my torch is always on. Oh, would you look at that ring? It's a nice one. Thank you. It's a big one. Is big tacky or is big nice? Are we talking about arseholes?

Can you stop taking photos, please? I've got something to say. On second thoughts, why is there a photographer here? The worst part of the day is when they stop to take the photos. Oh, be cool. My family's here. Hey, guys. It's really nice that they got grandma involved.

You want to have special days like that before she, you know, departs. Yeah. God, how many people are coming today? Hopefully all of them. We're gathered here today to witness the coming together of two people. It is always nice when two people come together, isn't it? Yeah, it's really nice. Really nice touch.

Oh, I always planned on waiting until after I was married for this. Speak now or forever hold my peace. I'm not saying anything so I get to hold it. This one works if you ask someone if they want to catch the bouquet. Okay, sure. Oh, I hope I don't catch anything tonight. What? The ones that you have to set up are funnier.

Oh, there she is, all covered in white. She bloody is, dude. I won't be wearing white to my wedding, that's all I'm saying. We won't be arriving in white, wedding, that's all I'm saying. We won't be arriving in white, but you'll certainly be leaving in it. That's graphic. I know it's a graphic segment overall, but that specific, that was graphic. Her dress is white, matches the back doors.

Are they serving food at this thing? They better be. I always need a bit of it, you know, pick me up. I've asked your father for permission. Oh, what a great service. You're telling me. Who's administering this thing? The florals are beautiful. Hey, Tony, get ready for the biggest regret of your life.

Someone else coming. Because sleeping with you wouldn't be a regret. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I appreciate it. Oh, sorry.

Oh, I hate when there isn't an open bar. True fact. No one likes that. All right, so this one is probably not for the participating parties, but for the spectators. Oh, okay. Because in the bedroom. The guests.

Otherwise known as the guests of a wedding. But also the people. Oh, okay. Yep. Oh, yeah. Reckon this will last long. Well, you can't ask the groom because he'll say yes. Something borrowed, something blue.

Won't be when I'm done. Better not be. That's a long train. I don't get it. Which part? How does that work in the bedroom? Google train of men. Oh, I would like to unlearn that.

Doing it at the beach, so boho chic. But you get sand. Everywhere. Far out. Your auntie is loose, isn't she? You think my aunt is loose? See my mum Not my mum No, she'll be quite stiff now

Cancel the podcast I can't come down your aisle without the best man. I just imagined your penis with a tie on. Why? Why did you do that? Like a tie or like a bow tie? Oh, either. I mean, how formal is it?

What's the dress code? Black tie optional. That's my casual. Oh, great. Here's the thing. Yeah, great. No jeans. The string quartet was a nice surprise, wasn't it?

End on the last joke. Can you imagine? You're having sex with someone and all of a sudden, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. We watched Titanic a few weeks ago just so you know there's four guys on the deck. And they're like chatting while they're. Yeah, it's like, oh, hey, baby, just before we get started,

I've got a little surprise. Yeah. She's like, oh, what is that? Yeah. Let's see, where's he going to put. Yeah, and then fellas, set up in the corner. John, if you don't mind setting up on the left. Do you want me to put some music on?

Yeah, that'd be so sexy. And all these guys pile into the room. That's a bit sad. What is this? That is not putting me in the mood. A bit more up-tempo, thanks, fellas. I wasn't talking about the string quartet. Oh, what is this?

Too fast for me. Oh, I have some wedding shout-outs. What? Because we're talking about weddings in the bedroom. I've got some shout-outs from tarpers. What about? Because someone suggested that topic. Well, like people that have gotten married.

Yeah, shout-out first of all to Lane Cox, who's a tarper. Things you can say at a wedding, Adam. She got married on the same day we did our nugget marathon and she was watching the nugget marathon on her wedding day like while she was say at a wedding. She got married on the same day we did our Nugget Marathon and she was watching the Nugget Marathon on her wedding day like while she was getting ready and stuff. No. So thank you, Lane Cox, and congratulations, mate. Yeah, God.

Well done. Shout out to Emily Shepard. Hi, Emily. Who recently got married. She and her partner. Are they rich? Hot as fire. Oh, really?

Do you have a photo? Gorgeous. It's in the group. And so you suggested the topic. She's like, I'm getting married. What about this? So thank you for that. And this is where Congratulations, both of you, for getting married. I don't know if Tony Lodge's impact on the world is a positive one or maybe there's a few cons with the pros if you know what I'm saying. It's definitely just all negative.

Congrats to Stacey and Rob McIntyre who recently got married. Stacey, yeah, she's obviously taken his name or I assume they've got the same name. Maybe they're cousins. Maybe both. And you would have seen this photo in the group where, you know, it's that classic like they're laughing. It's almost like a behind-the-scenes shot.

Like a candid. Yeah, they're laughing. And as someone... Sorry, I love a candid. I do too. Don't you love it when, like, you post on Instagram and you just hold a new cocktail? Yeah, just, oh, you caught me having a good time.

But how long does it take to get a good candid? It takes longer than it would if you just did a smiling photo. Exactly. Yeah. So because you work in the biz, you'll know that sometimes behind the scenes or something like that, you're like, oh, we need to be laughing. Tell a quick joke.

Tell us a funny story. Just, you know, get the mood up and stuff. Yeah. Because it can be a bit awkward to force or whatever. So Rob McIntyre goes, oh, I know something that'll get us laughing because he listens to the podcast and he's been infiltrated by the disgusting mind of Tony Felicia Lodge. Sorry about that.

So he says to his wife, who he married like 40 minutes earlier, he says, you look beautiful in that dress and I'm looking forward to seeing the back of your head later tonight. And then they both piss themselves laughing and that's the shot. That's the shot. So the photo's beautiful. Rob and Stacey look gorgeous. They're dressed up.

She looks beautiful, beautiful bride. You're married, mate. Keep it down. Literally. And I'll hit the bench. Sorry. And for the rest of their lives, that's going to, I don't want to use the word money shot because it feels wrong at this time.

It is the money shot. But it's that one that's going to be up on the mantelpiece. That photo's just going to last forever. And for the rest of their lives, they're going to, I don't want to use the word money shot because it feels wrong at this time. It is the money shot. But it's that one that's going to be up on the mantelpiece, that photo that's going to last forever and for the rest of their lives they're going to look at them laughing and go, oh, look at you guys, so happy. And he'll know that he told a disgusting Tony Felicia Lodge joke to make that moment happen. You are immortalised

in their family history. Do you think that if I ever need money I could call them because I'm technically that part of their relationship? No. Okay, cool. Cool, cool. I need to know the line. Okay, great, great. Hey, this is Giles from Sydney, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan podcast, Normal or Nah.

Oh, sorry, are we keeping you awake, mate? Sorry. Oh, my God. Sorry for yawning. Are we keeping you awake? Yeah, wow. Well, you took bloody three hours to get ready this morning. There were some technical issues. Hey, Normal or Nah tomorrow. It's a good one.

It's a good one. And anyone who works in a big workplace. Yeah, we'll relate to this one. We'll relate to this. Actually, not even just work. I think in any situation, people are either going to be for or against. Yes. Also, your coming out stories.

Some of them are beautiful. Some of them, I don't want to use the word harrowing, because apparently I use that word a lot. But it is, it'll take your breath away. You'll skip a beat. Oh, okay. And in a nervous, bad way.

So that's on tomorrow's show. All right. Big thank you to a couple of our champion tapas over at our Patreon, Tyler Brunk, Josh Teddem, Diana Cripps, and Scotty D. Thank you so much for supporting us over at the. Scotty D. Over at the Patreon, patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan. Did he call himself Scotty D, thank you so much for supporting us over at the... Scotty D. Over at the Patreon, patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan. Did he call himself Scotty D?

Yes. Okay, so it's not like Scott Davidson and you've been like, Scotty D. No, because then I would have said, Scott Davidson or Scotty D. I would have said it like that. You would say it like that. Yeah, I would because I would have set it up like, yes, his real name is Scott Davidson. Like I would have been anxious about this part of the conversation.

Glad we avoided it then. Sorry, I'll fucking wait until you're fucking done with your tight fucking five before I tell my story. Oh, no, you go. Okay. Your name's first on the show, mate. I'm just the butter to your bread. It's true, mate.

And I wish you'd fucking remember the pecking order. All right. Sorry, I'm worked up about this thing. Why are you worked up? Okay, so I mentioned earlier that I did what every single other person in the universe does and I would rather buy $60 worth of more things online shopping rather than pay, you know, $5 for shipping.

Why waste $5 when you could waste $60? Exactly. I couldn't agree with you more. It's weird, right? Because you go, oh, but at least if I spend the $60, I'll get more stuff. I'll get the stuff. Yeah.

You don't get anything for shipping. It just comes to you like a fucking idiot. If you're looking for me, you know, someone with an accounting degree to school you on, so you've come to the wrong place, bro. I'm with you. Yeah, we are all for unsafe spending. Anyway, I bought these new runners from this online,

well, it's a shop in Australia called Platypus. Have you ever shopped at Platypus? When you say runners, they're also like kind of street wear, funky shoes, high tops. Yeah, but it's like they only sell. Shoes. That's all they sell. They only sell shoes.

It's a shoe store. Yeah. It's not like a street wear store that's mostly shoes. It's only shoes. They only sell... Shoes. That's all they sell. They only sell shoes. At the shoe store. Yeah. It's not like a streetwear store that's mostly shoes. It's only shoes. They only sell shoes. And so the shoes that I bought were like $99.90 and the cut off for free express shipping was $100. So we were saying before spending an extra 60,

we're talking literally cents. Ten fucking cents. I wish there was a button that was like, can you just charge me $100? Oh, yeah. Or like could you round up a donation or something like that. Anyway, yeah, fuck, aren't I such a good person? Yeah.

Anyway, so I'm like scouring through the website and I'm like, I don't want to buy another pair of shoes. That's another 99 bucks. Exactly, or at the very least like $50. So I click the accessories tab and go sort from lowest to highest. Great idea. Instead of looking, you tell me. Yeah, exactly.

So I'm like, what is the cheapest thing on this website? They've got shoelaces and socks and stuff. Maybe a leather, like a polish? Oh, yeah. They did not have that. They had this thing called a non-touch device. For what? Don't know.

It was $10. All you know is that you can't touch it. Marked down to 90 cents. Oh, so they're popular? Yeah. So they've sold well. And I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that is. But what's the purpose of this purchase?

To round up to get free shipping. Are we going to get there? Yes. So what did you do? So I added it to cart. Boom. Okay. I've got it with me.

Do you know what it is? I need you to see if you can see what it is. Keep in mind I've bought this from a shoe store. Shoe store. Shoe store. Who are you, me? And it has the shoe store branding on it. Okay.

I need you to describe this little tool. Okay, so it's light. It looked like it could have been from a distance, like a bottle opener. A bottle opener. Yeah, that's kind of what I thought as well. That kind of shape. But then now I'm holding it, it's light and plastic,

and it's not the shape for a bottle opener, so it's not that. But if that describes the... It looks a bit like a key. It does. A weird key. It looks like it maybe, this might be what it is. Okay.

If you, what are those, is it a doofa? No. When you can't get your foot in... Oh, a shoehorn? What did I say? A doofa. What the fuck is that? I don't know.

I'm glad they didn't send me a fucking doofa. What is a doofa? Mate, you're telling the fucking story. What is a doofa? I'm nervous. An object or device of unspecified name or nature. Well, that's what it fucking is. I was right then, wasn't I?

But no, it's not a shoehorn. But it seems like maybe if you're putting your shoe in and you can't get your heel in, it might like you stick it in to pull it up. So I thought. But who the fuck knows? And who's paying $10? No wonder no one's paying $10.

No wonder it was fucking marked down. Do you know what it is? So I thought. Like I honestly could not tell you what this is for. Mate, we're in the same fucking boat. So you still don't really know? Do you know what it's supposed to be for? Mate, chill out.

So I saw it and thought it must be to do up your laces. Yeah. Like if you've got, like, muddy, because it's kind of got, like, a hook on the end. Yeah. I thought if you had, like, muddy shoelaces or something. But see. Yeah.

I know that doesn't make sense. I was going to say to hang it up in the closet No that's not But see how we've both gone shoe related It's shoe branded It's from a shoe shop It's a fucking thing to open a door Without touching the handle

I googled it It's like a COVID safety thing So that you don't have to touch a handle. What? I know. Have you heard of a tissue of gloves of your own fucking feet, the thing that you sell? You just kick the door open.

And look, the studio we're in, watch this. You commentate what happens. Yeah, okay, so Ryan's walking over with the doofa to the handle. It doesn't even fit around the fucking handle. It doesn't fucking go around. So it's not a... Oh, I've heard that before. But isn't that the most...

So I've sat there... If I relied on this to get out of this room, I would die in this studio. Oh, mate, well, we don't want that to happen. At least it looks stylish and you've got free shipping. So are you happy with your purchase? Mate, and then the funniest thing is it came as two separate packages. What? So I got the shoes as one and then I get this tiny thing wrapped up

in a thing with no information and I'm like, what the fuck is this thing that's come to my door? You could have just thrown this in the box. Exactly. Okay, here's the only way I can say it. And like I said, we've saved the money on the shipping, so. You know, it's paid for itself. What's that brand that does weird shit and they have limited release

and they sell for a fuck? Supreme. Oh, yes, yep. Now, Platypus isn't Supreme, but I feel like streetwear, I wish they, they probably wish they were. Yeah, a bit more exclusive. Yeah, but it's the same demo, I reckon, younger. Yeah.

And if this was a Supreme door opener, this would be worth thousands of dollars. Mate. They sell like bricks. Mate. They're fucking weird Supreme. If I had that and it was Supreme, I'd sell it on eBay. I'd be able to pay back my student loans. Well, that's what I'm getting at.

Is there a resale market for a platypus door handle holder? No. Words coming out of my mouth seem fucking ridiculous. Actually. I mean, worth it for the free shipping, though. Let's put it in the marketplace. Oh, and say COVID safety item. Yeah, COVID item.

It'll probably come with a warning. COVID information. Yeah. Worth it for the free shipping. Yeah, COVID item. It'll probably come with a warning. COVID information. Yeah. Worth it for the free shipping, though, I say. Worth it for the free shipping. Because the shoes are great. But, yeah, don't really know. And like you said, can't believe I didn't fly off the shelves.

What a surprise. But they don't even explain what it is. It's not like on the website it said, oh, this is for safety. Like, no information. It just, what was it called again? Like, I can't, see, I, this is for safety. Like, no information. What was it called again? Like, um, I can't, see, I can't even fucking remember. Platypus accessory. I don't even care.

It's so strange. Touch free. Platypus touch free. Oh, that's right. That's what it says. The tag says. Can I buy a touch free? Sure.

Yeah. Pay $3, the staff won't grope you on the way out. Hey, things you'll have to see. I read this headline during the week. Men's penis shrinks after COVID diagnosis. I've seen this. Some personal trainer. It's always a personal trainer making claims.

No, I used to have a big dick, though. Claims his penis shrunk four centimetres after getting COVID. And I really hope this isn't true because if I lost four centimetres, I would be negative two. You'd be on the inside. You'd be going back in.

Do you want my safety touch? Yeah. Hook it back out. I actually rest. That's what it's for. I rest my penis in this so I don't have to touch my goods when I go and pee. Heaven forbid I got COVID off my own dick. We will put a picture of the safety tool in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. You can have

a look. Tony and Ryan podcast on Facebook under groups. Fuck, sorry. Can you talk, mate? There's a safety touch if I can get it out. You know what I love to see? What? People making excuses for small dicks. So shout out to COVID. Shout out to that personal trainer. Good excuse for you. People are like, oh, have you had COVID? Yeah, 27 times. Yeah, heaps of times. Yeah, can't get rid of it. Jessica Smallcomb, small cock, in our Tony and Ryan Facebook group posted this meme. Possibly the sweetest act of kindness I've ever seen. Family had electricians in every week for the past six weeks

and their little boy was obsessed with them. He hounded them with questions, kindness and constant offers to help and the little boy received this from them. And I'm showing you, it's a little envelope with a printed document questions, kindness and constant offers to help. And the little boy received this from them. And I'm showing you, it's a little envelope with a printed document and a couple of money notes, bank notes, employer's name, and they've given him a little paycheck. And it says, for completion of the following jobs, measuring of items, counting and adding up number of sockets,

catering with yummy cookies, excellent volunteering and quality assurance in brackets, asking lots of questions. And they paid him 15 pounds. Whoa, he's doing all right. Which is like 30 bucks, isn't it? 30 Australian. But isn't that so sweet? Because you can imagine lots of tradies would be like,

fucking kids always pissing me off. I think that is so sweet. And that little boy would have felt so important after that as well. And they're the kind of stories that that guy might end up being a sparky and loving it. Being a sparky because he goes, oh, when I was a kid, yeah. Those guys came around and they were lovely. Yeah.

And I just think you love to see that because it's so easy to get fucked off when people are asking lots of questions. So tradies love my dog when they come around. Oh, I bet. And I'm considering getting BJ a high-vis dog shirt. Yes. Would you love to see that or is that a bit lame? Yeah, I would love to see that.

Okay, great. You're such a dog dad. Watch this space. I love that. All right, we'll chat to you tomorrow, everyone. Ciao. Ch-meow.