Toni and Ryan - FUNNIEST MOMENTS OF JUNE

Episode Date: July 4, 2026

Fallen behind on TARP and need a fast-track to catch up?!? Here’s the bessssst bits from JUNE 2026!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Can I say something about Americans? I mean, sure. They love a fucking graduation over there. They love a graduation. Oh, Kinder graduation. Yeah, year one, year two, year three, all of them. Oh, I've finished one, my driving school, I'm into round two. Great, graduation ceremony.

They do actually, don't they? Everything, like, I don't think we had a graduation of primary school. I certainly didn't have a graduation from Kinder. But, like, Diplo did a gig at his kids' kids' kinder. I saw that. And I went, that's cool. And I went, hang on, why is Kinder having a graduation? Why is Diplo there?

Just because your son's there. Oh, that's a good gig. Probably not his highest paying, but. Maybe it is. Yeah, actually, who are we to say? I mean, Diplos kid goes there. Yeah, it's probably one of the best. But they're graduation heavy.

Yeah. No, they are. That's a really good point. They love a ceremony. Yeah. Confession from a tarpa. Oh, no. Now, I'm on board.

I've got an open mind. I snorted my dead brother's ashes like that I told my mum and she did not react the way I was hoping I've always had a morbid curiosity so when I was reorganising one day and found a small container that I'd kept since he passed my brain just went there

I was really curious about if ashes smell that was the curiosity sure yeah I guess I don't really know so no one was watching I unscrewed the lid I looked at the grey grainy sandlight material and I went to smell it because I was like just wonder if it smells like him or if it just smells like a lot like that was the I don't know it just smell like burnt like what does it smell like like if you sniffed an ashtray the ashes was so light that when I sniffed the ashes traveled straight up my nostril and filled my

entire sinus cavity turning my whole head into an unofficial memorial site. When I get uncomfortable, I make jokes. So when mum saw me with gray powder all over my face, I said, hey, remember your son? Yeah, I snorted him. Yes, part of him will always be with me now. I thought this was gold standard comedy. I would have laughed at that. I was crying, laughing. My mum was just crying. Oh, um, well, When you said, like, snorted the ashes up, I thought you meant like, cut and racked up a line. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen movies and drugs on them.

But I thought you meant like, oh, like get the $50 note. Yeah. That's what I thought you meant. So this is. I don't know. They're all worse. Question. Money sounded a bit more baller when I thought that she'd done it on.

nervous. Oh, you would just be in shock. You would just be in shock, eh? Like, that's happened and you just like, they also say it like, like, it didn't really smell at all, or maybe the confusion of what happened after,

like, distracted them, but they still don't know what it smells like. Campaining the espresso martinis be recognized as a breakfast beverage. Oh, normal. Tapa Colleen asked normal or nah. People drink mimoses and bellinis at brunch. lunch. Espresso martini is mostly espresso. I've been talking up amongst friends and family.

They are not on board for it with breakfast. It feels strange to me. It has always that it's like an what, how do you say? Aperitif. Appertif, yeah. Is that right? And that it's supposed to be like, you know, after you eat dinner or whatever, I'll be up or not. I'll be up all night. Yeah. Bouncing off the walls. Oh my God. You know, the poor man's cocaine, isn't it? You have three espresso martini. You see it all the next week. No poor man is buying three espresso martinis. Do you not really fucks me off when you,

because an espresso martini is expensive, right? Like it's an expensive cocktail and it takes a long time for them to make it. So I understand why it costs more. Yep. And that when you go up there, if the bar is busy, they give you that look like if you ask for an espresso martini. They don't like that. However, I'm not paying the amount for an espresso martini to be

pulled from a tap. So, when you get an espresso martini and it's expensive, I go, okay, I'm paying for you to brew fresh coffee and I'm paying for the time for you to make it. Like, I get it. I'm, if it's from a tap, I'm not paying for those parts of the recipe. What about in a

pre-mixed can? I would drink that for, like I would buy, I was I'm supposed to say J.B. Hi-Fi. I'd buy that from Dan Murphy's. Yeah. But like, if that's what comes at a restaurant or in a bar or something, a fucking out of Fortira put that through the shredder. No deal.

No deal. So I was in a club once and I saw this. And this is like keep in mind inflation when I was fucking 18. Yeah. It said cock sucking cowboys. Yep. $2 a shot. What's a cock sucking cowboy?

Or like a Bailey's and caramel something, isn't it? Something lique and a butterscotch or something. It's fucking delicious. Or maybe that's what's in it, Charles. It's got butterscotch snaps and Bailey's Irish cream. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a milky one.

So we roll in and they go three dollar shots or $2 shots and we just went. Be rude not to. Yeah. Totally. So I go, It's never ever in my time since turning 18. So you guys would be the same. It's never been cheap to drink.

Oh. I went to a place where it was. I'm all post tax. before 10pm at this bar called 7 in Melbourne, it was 50 cent beers. Because it was one of those places that got busy at 1 a.m. And they've obviously gone, fuck, we've got to get people in.

All right, we open at 8 until 10, it's 50 cent beers. So I walked in and was like, hey, is there a catch? Is it true? And she goes, no, it's 50 cents beers. And I was like, great, here's 20 bucks. I'll have 40 beers, please. And she goes, and I was like, nah. Yeah.

I didn't get here at 801 for no fucking reason. Yeah, yep. Star pouring. No, I've never. And me and my friends rolled in and just like, yeah. And then it gets to 10 o'clock and the cool people start turning up and we're like, but you're fucking sideways. Where's a taxi or shit?

Where's the what? Where's the taxi rank? Because I've got to get the fuck home. What do you think I said? Taco truck. I'd take one of those. Yeah. Yeah.

But yes, we walk in and we order the cock-sucking cowboys and we go, fuck, they're going to make shots. They're only two bucks, whatever. I mean, Tom, we're like, yeah, well, great, we'll get 12 for those, thanks, bud. This guy pulls out a sack of pre-mixed cock-sucking cowboy and just does the little like, like a goon sack, a goon sack, a bladder, a bladder of cock-sac and just goes, and I was like, oh, well, I mean, yeah, the effort is zero. Like, you're just, it's.

And then I felt like I'd paid too much. Yeah, because you go, I'm going to bought the sack for 12 bucks. I was about to say, yeah, are you selling the sacks in? bulk. Would you get that from Costco? I reckon they've bought a sack for eight bucks and they've gone, cool, there's 50 shots in that. They're making 100. I was like, no, it's clever. Yeah, well done. I've watched off campus. And I'm dehydrated. Yeah. Let me tell you. Did you put a tower down? Oh, my freaking giddy god. So it's this, it's, the hype is legit. Yeah. So when. Bridget was watching that when we were away. Oh, well, yeah, I bet she was. Yeah, well, we can't log into porn hub. So I

who you watch. She's watching Puckin off campus instead. Is it that? It is horny. It's so good. And it's like, it's so, like the people are quite complicated, but they're all really great. Like, all of their development is like a mate. I just loved it.

And the twist in the last bit to set up the next season. You're going to spoil his eye. I did not see coming. Like, and I'm normally watch TV and I'm like, they're going to, this is going to happen. And then it does. It's quite predictable. But it fucking blew me. away. But let me say one thing, I need to crowd fund some answers. Where are people buying their

sexy bras? Because nothing has made me want to buy slutty lingerie like watching that fucking show. Really? Are they all wearing sexy bras? They wear the hottest underwear. And so the main chick Hannah, Wellsey, she has. Wellsey, sorry, Wellsey and sexy bras. Yeah. No, she has the best tits. ever seen. When I found out he'd stolen stuff from his exes. Oh. I broke up with him and then invited all the other exes over for a barbecue. Amazing.

I returned all their stuff and we burned all of his. Shared trauma really brought us together. And years later, I'm still besties with two of them. He had phenomenal taste in women. Just a shame he was awful. Sliders to being friends with them. Yeah. Well, they like got along.

Yeah. And doesn't share trauma bring us together, tone. That is true. Yeah, that's why we're here. Yeah. I am not like, I've never been in the situation where I'm like, I'm going to burn their stuff. Like, that's not my vibe. But I also, I love that the Tapa that has written this has said like, oh, I wanted them to have their stuff back.

Yep. I think that's really sweet. Yeah. Now, who had the PlayStation controller? Yeah. Thanks, Shaz. Yeah. Yeah.

Whose Victoria's Secret underwear was this? Yeah. Have that back. That shit's expensive. All four of them put the hands. I thought we've all worn that same pair at one stage. Yeah. The camaraderie between the exes.

Yeah, I think that's really nice. I love that they're still friends. Girls are the best. Tarpa Sunny. Hi, Sunny. He cheated on me. Fuck him. And he was also weirdly obsessed with how he smelled.

He ironed his work shirts and he ironed his going out tops. He was very particular about that. It was Charles. So I put diluted pee in his iron. Have a great day, babe. How do you even come up with that? That is so creative. In what?

There's full details. She was saying like it kind of gets ironed into the shirt and you don't kind of notice till later in the day. Because it's the steam. But like the sweat of the day brings it out. So you put it on innocently and you go and it's not until the afternoon where you start. Is that me? Is that me?

Is that you? That, I don't know. How would you even come up with that? that. I've never even, that is crazy. That is very evil. Now, something that went through my mind, which shows off the stupidity of myself is I didn't think about peeing into like a cup and pouring it in. I envisaged her like holding the iron. Same. Straight in. A to B man. Yeah. Now, straight in. A cup on the way through and you can just piss into the iron. I would not have even considered pissing into something.

something else. Because you know how usually comes with a cuff and you fill it up and like pour it in. Yeah. No, I did. No, I felt the, I'm like, oh, was the iron in the toilet? Yeah. So she's like, yeah, so I peed into the cup and then filled the rest with water and you sort of poured it through because she's like full piss would have been a straight up giveaway.

She wanted like the subtle thing. This. I'm glad we thought the same thing. I was like, oh, so you did the iron in the toilet and you just lean there. Yeah. I'm like, well, you're holding it in. I was like, God, you must have had piss everywhere. Yeah.

Yeah. Did not even cause my mind to pee into a cup or a fun. or something. Yep, that's good. That is just so creative. Respect. Are you a fucking engineer? That's amazing.

Ladies and gentlemen, hot take, Tony. My hot take is that we need to chill with the confirmation text messages. So fucking true. You've been taken slut. Honestly, I,

my whole text message, like, inbox at the moment is literally all confirmation. text messages. How many times do you need to let me know that dog food is on the way? Oh, I've hit a fucking sore point there. I just like, so when you book something in, say you book an appointment or whatever, like at my eyebrow place, they actually do it the amount of times.

This is at Luna. I've been going there for years. The day that you book, so whenever I go for an appointment, I like book my next one. When I book, it says, you've got an appointment on blah and it has the date and the time and what I've booked in for. And then two days before, it's like, you've got an appointment. appointment in two days, do you want to confirm or cancel? Yep.

I booked a car, rented a car over the weekend. I got two text messages when I booked it. A text message the following day. A text message three days before I picked it up saying we're almost ready for you to pick the car up. I need a 72 hour warning for me to get the sham wow on it and fucking give it a wipe over. No, this was for me to pick it up. Not drop it back off.

This was for me to pick it up from there. I'm saying we're almost ready. I'm like, the car just sits there. What do you mean? You're almost ready. Yeah, what are you talking about? Someone else has probably got it until I pick it up. And then, so three days out, then two days out.

Then the day before, double text message. Then the day I picked it up, another two being like, you can pick us up at Terminal 4. Here's your confirmation code again. See, my last one is though Telstra telling me they're going to charge me in like a few days. Yeah. Yeah. Like, Telstra do it as well. I'm like, I know.

You do it. It's the same day every month. so because they get so out of control every time a text pops up that's like confirming your blah i just i'm like no i've lost interest like fuck you and then i get one right the other day people had to go to the vet she's fine she just needed her like who's a vet she just had to get her like allergy she gets like a thing for her allergies during like allergy season yeah and um she was due for that and i was like great I'll send her.

They send so many text messages that I just stopped reading them. That's why I've got 700 fucking unwritten. I just stopped. And then one of them, God forbid, was the one where it's like, are you definitely bringing your dog to the vet in two days or whatever? I didn't see it.

I didn't reply. But I've got all the text messages. I made the appointment. I know that she needs to go to the vet. It's in my calendar. And this might be on me. I should have hit the confirmed thing. And then they ring on the phone and go,

hey you didn't reply to the text message just making sure that your dogs come in i'm like yeah i made the appointment like i know that she needs to come in did we as the human race get so bad at turning up to shit and they're like they just don't trust us anymore and like but if i didn't rock up once then fine slam me with the text and go you can't be trusted we don't know if you're coming in but i'm like tony lodge doesn't miss an appointment but like she's on time Thank you. She is organized. It's in the calendar.

She's there 10 minutes early. She checked last night where she was going to park. You don't need a text this slut. She already knows what the fuck she's doing. Like the one that has the rundown of the information, I really appreciate because I go, great. It's all in one place. And then I put it in my calendar.

And if I want to double check it, I've got that one text. But you can't find that one text because all of my text inbox is just me sending the letter why to confirm the things. I don't know which one is the one with the stuff in it. There's just shit everywhere. So you've got doctors, vets, dentists, eyebrow appointment, the car you've hired. Fuck it off.

The final kick in the dick. You've got 58 confirmation messages. You rock up. Then you... Don't you dare. I'm going to. Don't you dare. I'm going to.

Hey Tony. Thanks for coming into jeans alterations. Yeah. Got any feedback? We've love your fucking... fucking 88 minute survey on how we could best serve your fucking fuck you i would love to leave a goo i will only leave google reviews from now on if you've sent me less than two text messages eat my and i cannot stress this enough pussy bitch i cannot deal with this do you know what we

need to bring back texts costing 25 cents they're too cheap it's too fucking cheap people are out here send on as many as they want. Fuck off. Just sent you a survey asking how our survey was. And then you get the email from the survey monkey saying, well, you just did our survey. Did you like the survey on the survey? Oh, this bitch loves surveys.

We got a hot one. We got a hot lead on surveys. It's too much. It's way too much. Check in. I encourage you to check in with me less. That is just a bit of advice for me. Is that for businesses or all of us?

Drinking straight from the Britta jug with a straw instead of using a glass. Oh, hell no. I work from home, live alone and like, why dirty a glass and then need to wash it? I grab a straw, stick it straight in the jug and cut out the middleman. I'm a real A to B guy. Drinking straight from the Britta jug with a straw, normal or nah. Not normal. And I'm going to stop you about three sentences ago.

I don't want a dirtier glass and then have to wash it. You don't have to wash a glass if you only drink water from it. It's water. It's water. Like grow up. Grow up. Yeah, but your mouth isn't just water. And I know that.

It's like, no, I'm hell hearing what you're saying. Yeah. I'm seeing it happen in real time over there. Yeah, because ill. Yeah. Yeah. The other day I did cry about the thought of all the trapped water in the world.

It made me really like, because if you're, do you know, I don't. You know how we were talking off air about like, someday mentally we have like fragile days and sometimes we like feeling a bit stronger. What, how would you have described that day? I'm trying to ask us as a supportive thing. No, no. I think I was feeling really sensitive about something and then. And I was, yeah, I was talking. Oh, I hear come the water works.

I was talking to talks. I was talking to talk about the water cycle. Which water cycle? Like the water cycle. Like the rain comes down. It goes into the waterways. Then it evaporates. It goes into the clouds and it comes back down through the thing.

But any water that is trapped is held hostage away from that water cycle. Because if you throw out a water bottle with half an inch of water in it, it can't ever go back into the system. It's not like a finite amount of water that can kind of keep doing that cycle. And the more that we take away and desalinate and then bottle and then it gets thrown out, it can't ever go back into like the water community. So what's happening with all of that? When you say water community, are they running a Patreon up there?

No, like just the water cycle. It wants to be with the other water, but it can't be because. And this brought you the tears? Trapped water. It made me really sad. Danielle is nodding. She knows what I'm talking about. Did you see some trap water and like?

No, we were talking about the water cycle. I can't be any more clear than that. We were talking about the water cycle. I just don't know how that comes up. Well, you've got to hang out with smarter people. Get on my level, bro. Catch up, dog. Catch up.

Or evaporate, as they say, in my circle. In the water community. Which part of the water cycle do you? you feel at one with? I hate, I hate that you already have an answer. You've all, this isn't the first time you've thought about this. And that is the worst part of all of it.

I was like, here's a random question that no one's ever asked. And you're like, well, here's, Charles is about to pass away. I go back and forth because I think about this. Yeah.

So what are you torn between? Okay. So I, I am torn between two because. One feels like, okay. One feels like the most obvious answer for me personally. There is no, no, no. And that would be to be in the body of water.

But I think that I'm post evaporation pre-rain. You're a cloud. In the cloud. Is retaining all that knowledge? I think so. I think that's where I am. I don't think it's like the choice I want to make, but I think that I've got like a responsibility.

But I will say, as we all know, you cycle through all of them but that's where I think I um spend the most time now with a sound can you describe the feeling of being in a body of water yeah and now can you describe evaporating and floating up to the sky and now can you give us the sound of being a cloud and floating in the air and now can you give us the sound of falling from the sky to the ground to your death. But there's no death because it's a cycle and you go back into the body of water. You're assuming they land in water. What if they were saying on concrete? No, no, no. It's not about landing in water, but all water ends up back. Because so true. Even if you're on a sidewalk,

then when the sun comes out, it evaporates back up and that's what I think. Did you do the water cycle as a kid? Because like in, no, no, you're laughing. But genuinely, it's like one of the things you learn about in like society and environment or whatever. Yeah. I've never learned about. any of this. I think what scares... That is crazy. I think what scares me about the water cycle is I imagine the rain is terrifying because you're falling from the sky.

No, but don't you think it would be freeing that you're coming back down to Earth? Because it's somewhere you've been before. I don't like heights. Yeah, but the water has a memory and it knows that there is safety in below because then eventually it will return to the sky. Maybe this is why a tonal. I just can't believe that you didn't learn about. Did you learn about like the importance of the waterways and like that kind of stuff?

No. That's crazy. The importance of the waterways. Like rivers and shit. Yeah. And like, go hi, welcome to class. Rivers flow and you go cool. But they don't always.

This is the whole thing. Well, there wouldn't be a river. It would just be still. It would be a lake. No. It'd be a tributary. No, it would be nothing. And that is what a draft.

is. I can't believe he didn't learn about this in like S&E. I don't know what that is. Like, society environment? Like SOS? Yeah. Yeah. They're all the same thing.

S-O-S-E. I think SOS is studies of society and environment. Yeah, there you go. But S-N-E is just a society environment. No, never. Or maybe I didn't. It just really did not stick. I think it's part of the Australian curriculum.

It evaporated from my brain. Yeah, well, let it fall back down because. Ha ha ha ha.