Toni and Ryan - Ginuwine Food Lovers

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

The best confessions of the week (If you've got a SPICY confession you need to get off your chest, we wanna hear about it COMPLETELY ANONYMOUSLY HERE!) and a verrryyyy interesting food combo. Not sure about this one! Love ya! Toni xoxo Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, welcome to the podcast. We're calling Orlavi in Israel. Hello? Hello, Orlavi? Yes, it is. Hi, this is Tony and Ryan. Hello. Hello, have we said your name right? It's something like that. Orlavi. Orlavi. Oh, sorry, Or. Olavi. Oh, well, Olavi to say it. Would you mind approving the podcast? Oh, I would love to approve the podcast. Yay!

Hi, I'm Or from Israel and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today. Yep. Scandal in the supermarket. Mate, you're hitting kids, you bloody... It's not me doing a scandal. It's a big international food company that's made a choice and the choice was fucking wrong. Ooh.

Yep. You do love to see that, don't you? Like a bit of a drama. that's made a choice and the choice was fucking wrong. Ooh. Yeah, Arnott's. You do love to see that, don't you? Like a bit of a drama. Is this something that you saw or like? It's been doing the rounds online because once you see it, it's like, it's unfathomable. Ooh. How can a large company like Arnott's Biscuits

make such a terrible error? A bit like McDonald's taking away the Diet Coke. How can two massive companies make two massive errors? I would argue it's maybe not to you, but to the average person, this would be worse than the Diet Coke McDonald's decision. You're right. Not to me. Not to you. But first.

He's a top confession. It's a top confession. Front door only says husband nagged me... Hang on, forgive me, Tarpa France. Well, this isn't from a tarpa. I found this online. Oh. This is just a warm-up.

Oh, okay. Trust me, tarpa schmear is coming up. And settle in, folks. That's brutal. But first, Front Door Only says, my husband nag bit like me with the hairdresser, isn't it? Is it? Saying, should I be? Yeah, I shat on them.

No, but saying like, oh, I'll act up so that they don't ask me to do it again. Yeah. Or like when you do a bad job at something. Like if my dad ever used to ask me to help him in the garden, I used to fuck stuff up so that he wouldn't ask me again because I fucking hate working outside so much. Yeah.

Yeah. That surprises me. You seem like an outdoor hands-on working type. That's a good comment, Rhys. And we all laughed, yeah. And we all gave it a laugh. I'm a real outdoorsy type. Petty housemate said,

I had a fight with the person I live with, so I turned the toaster up to the maximum setting. The next morning he burnt his toast and was panicking and swearing and I fucking loved it. It is such a low stakes thing that no one could ever tie back to you. That's why I like it. Yeah. It doesn't really do anything like long lasting damage.

Someone's fucked you off and then you see them fucked off. That's an instant win. Oh, yeah. I don't even say low stakes. That's brilliant. But like for the person, you know, it's not, you know, shitting on their dick. That's long lasting damage, I would say. Well, that's never happening again. Yeah. You know, you're going, you know, shitting on their dick. That's long-lasting damage, I would say. Well, that's never happening again.

Yeah. You know? You know, you're going to be pretty wary of that, but you don't blame the toaster. Yeah. You just go, fuck, I've obviously knocked the thing. Shit on a dick, shame on me. Shit on a dick twice, shame on you.

You know the saying, that old famous saying. Yeah, you've always said that. Yeah. Yeah. I think it was George W. Bush that said that. But here is the one from a tarpa. Oh, actually, I don't know if it's schmear or maybe it's schmear for like nightmare.

Right. Either way. So if you've got a great confession, really juicy, something anonymous that you want to share, get off your chest, you can go to our website. The link is in our show notes. Yep. I was on the bathroom sink.

This boy was bent down in front of me and he was going to town on my puss. Oh, okay, like a sexual thing. Yep. Yep. I was on the sink. Yeah, so she's not, like, doing some plumbing. Well, he's doing some plumbing. Yeah.

But, no, she's up on the bathroom sink and he's going. To town. Downtown. Downtown. Not a professional, but I'll look into it for you he was so drunk and to be fair like up on the bathroom sink is like a that's that's not a that's a drunk thing that's not a sober man's move no it's not it's not a sober any person's move yeah you're definitely not going you know it would really fucking kick

this up a notch why don't you sit on the sink? No one's saying that. So he's kneeling on the bathroom floor and Shmere says, he was mid-suck slash mid-bite and his teeth gripped on my inner labia and because he was drunk he fell to the floor with my labia in his mouth. He fell to the floor with my labia in his mouth. He ripped the whole thing, all of it except for about one centimetre, and there was blood everywhere.

It was like pouring blood from a jug out of me from the second he fell down. Tony, how are you feeling now that you've heard that? You know how I said yesterday it'll make vagina havers want to, like, cross their legs? Yep. So much airtime is given to penis havers with like a knee to the balls or a ball butt, you know, like that something happens and oh, me cock and balls, whatever. Very rarely do vagina havers get the spotlight on this

and that is fucking harrowing. At least it wasn't a little clitty. Like imagine if that were you, like you'd probably never feel again. When I went to the hospital, they thought he had bit my clit off because it was the, in inverted commas, hanging part, and it was so purple and swollen. Question. Question. Question.

In this situation, you know how if you cut your finger off, you put it in like a bag of ice so they can reattach it. Do you put the flap in a bag of ice and take that with you? I'd put the flap in the freezer. Are you putting the flap in some ice and then taking that with you? Yeah. Retouch the flap. Or does it grow back like a starfish?

The starfishes grow back. Starfish's leg. Yeah, if you break off a starfish's leg, it'll grow back up. So does the labial art re-return or do you get another one? Or do you have to glue it back on? Like what do you? I actually have an answer. Oh, okay.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I had to wait two weeks before having surgery because the swelling was so because you know you can't realize it's all swollen and bruised and torn up and in stitches you can't that would be so sore you wouldn't be able to wear any like you couldn't wear knickers yeah and also like when you get your if you get your period right like they say that you shouldn't go and get laser or have a wax or anything because you're really sensitive and it makes it hurt way more. Imagine if this confessional had gotten her period at the same time.

Like that would be so painful. Oh, my God, my bloody puss is swelling up thinking about this. Sorry. Once her swelling went down, the doctors said that removal was the only option. Removal of her fanny? Well, like the remaining part of. Well, let me just read this sentence.

Sorry, yep. Let me just read this sentence because, I mean, here's a guy trying to explain fucking a town he doesn't know expertly. Can't even find it on a map. What's that up there? No, no, no. Down here, mate. No, that's not what they want.

Turn the map around. Oh, there it is. Now I've got one fat lip and one thin one. So I don't know how they got to that, but that's the conclusion of what happened. Well, because I'm guessing they like just stitched the wound. Don't say wound. I'm guessing they stitched the torn part. Obviously they haven't reattached the flap,

but just sewn the whole shirt so she's got this. She used to have this. Now she's got this. Yeah. Now, as you can imagine. Fuck, that would be so painful. I guess the confession part is like when your family's like, oh, you're going into hospital.

What happened? Oh, my. I did not even think about that. Oh, some drunken fuckhead was going down on me on a sink and slipped on the bathroom and ripped my vagina off. Tommy Kunjoff. Oh. Fuck, you're not calling him back, are you?

So do the rest of my family. Yes, my tonsils are doing fine. Even with your tonsils, why can't you sit down, Madeline? My vaginal tonsils. Yeah. Yeah, you wouldn't go back. Like, surely. You're not calling him back.

No fucking way. What if they were dating and he was drunk and he didn't mean it? Oh, not because he did it on purpose. You'd never trust him again. No, he'd be like, he'd like start sliding down. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, if someone fucking crashes your car, you don't hand him the keys. You know?

Yeah. Like, you know, shit on me once, shame on you. Shit on me twice, shame on me. I just can't get over how fucking painful that would be. And the recovery would take forever. Yeah. Because you know how with like any, like if you have stitches or like any wound, sorry for saying wound again,

but like you're supposed to like not keep it moist. Don't say moist for fuck's sake. But it's a damp environment. It's a warm, damp environment. She's growing mushrooms down there. Is she? Well, she might not be. Someone might be.

But it's moist. That's not good for Stitcher's healing. I actually know what happened to this girl. She ended up being the one from the video yesterday with the high-cut swimwear. The trap. How did she do it? Well, it turns out her vagina was bitten off by a drunken fuckhead

in the bathroom. She got two flat flaps. Oh, my God. Fuck, that would be so – I cannot even deal with that. That would be so fucking painful. Please keep sending your anonymous stories and anonymous confessions and anonymous tonsil removals to TonyandRyan.com.au. Yeah, the link is in the show notes.

You know when you hear horror stories about, like, getting the banjo string snapped? I've had a friend snap his penis. Oh. And I remember getting to the house. Like a fractured penis because I've heard of that. Yeah. Yeah.

So not the banjo string, like the actual penis. Oh, my gosh. They kind of like, how do I say this? I actually know exactly what's happened because it's almost happened to me. They're going in and out. Yeah. And like fully in, fully out. Yeah.

And then kind of hit the side. Yep. But the pressure of going back in. Oh, yep. It's like driving through a tunnel. You got to be careful. Yep. So I remember walking in and seeing the blood over the mattress and just being like, this is fucked. And I was like, oh, just for now, just turn the mattress upside down just so you, just turn the mattress upside down. Just so you... And you know what? I won't say the guy's name, but do you know what he said to me? What?

I already have. That's the blood that's soaked through. R.I.D. R.I.D. Hi, I'm Or from Israel and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tarpers over at our Patreon. You can find all the details in our show notes. The first one here is Nurse Tracy.

Maybe it would have been good if she was on hand earlier. Jacob Kilgren and Hannah Sterland, Bree Scarman and Zozola. Thank you so much for being part of this. Zozola! Bloody love to see it. Thank you. Make sure you hit follow on... On Spotify.

On Patreon? On Spotify. So the podcast is follow on Patreon, on Spotify. So the podcast is always on the front when you log in. It'll be on the homepage and you'll go, oh, my God, that's Tony and Ryan. I love them. Lol. Lol. We say lol because we're millennials and we're old now. I've started saying lol in texts a lot.

How do you feel about that? I like it. I think it's quirky. What were you saying pre-lol? Just like I'm a big fan of a ha-ha. Yeah, and when you give capitals with a ha-ha, you love that? I do love that, yeah. That is if you get a capital ha-ha from me, I've laughed actually out loud.

But if I'm saying lol, I'm probably just being sassy. Like, oh, yeah, thanks for getting me coffee, lol. Anyway. How was the coffee I got you this morning? Well, I didn't have any because you got Uber Eats just before Producer Cam and I got here. Yeah. I was hungry.

I don't live close by. Yeah. The trip in from the countryside. Yeah. You didn't think about just waiting like 10 minutes until we got here and we could get breakfast next door? No. Yeah, it's a long story.

And it's not that interesting. I mean, you're telling it. It can't be interesting. Sorry. Lol. Find mean, you're telling it. It can't be interesting. Sorry. Lol. Find us on the homepage. So I love having peanut butter and avocado on toast. Delicious.

I've mentioned this before, and apparently there's some people who think that's gross. You've made that for me. It is disgusting. I made it for you. Yes. They're both creamy. They both complement each other.

There's like some sweet and some sour. But they don't complement each other because they're too similar. So it'd be like if you went, oh, my God, I had the most delicious snack before and I went, what was it? And you went, I had some chocolate with some chocolate. Like that's not a, like they don't, like it doesn't complement each other. It's not like. They're not that similar.

No, but they are because they're both like a kind of like body temperature spread. It's delicious. It's not that good. But that's okay. It's not for me. It's for you. You know what is actually fucking elite, though? What?

Avocado and Vegemite. 100%. Very, very good. Very good. Very good. Peanut butter and cheese on a sandwich? Peanut butter and cheese can come on my fucking tits. I love peanut butter and cheese.

Wow. I used to do it in a toasted sandwich. I thought you were going to say something. Yeah, okay. I used to do it in my ham sandwich. No. I used to do peanut butter and cheese in a toasted sandwich. Fucking delish-o.

So Arnott's, huge international food company. Are they international or is it only Australian? That's a great question. I actually, I don't know. I mean, sorry, I'm not trying to fuck up your thing. No, it's Australian. Yeah, it's Australian. But it's not just like some corner store, though,

is guess what I'm getting at. No, it's like a massive brand. Mass production. For anybody that's not in Australia and maybe doesn't know what Arnott's is, like they make Tim Tams. Yep. And probably 30 other kinds of biscuits. Is that fair to say?

30. Probably fucking 100. Yeah. Insane. Every second biscuit in the biscuit aisle is by Arnott's. But like if you've heard of Tim Tams, which most people that aren't from Australia have, Arnott's make Tim Tams. So they've brought out a new food combo.

It's completely fucked. And, like, with me with the avocado and peanut butter, like, I'm just some guy. Yeah, you're no one. No offence. Not no one to me, but in the grand scheme of things. Thank you for backpedalling so cutely. I think that you're huge and a great person and people will look up to you. Don't say huge.

I'm having a issue. I've seen myself in that YouTube video from Hot Fun Garbage. Okay. I think that you are just the perfect person. Thank you. I don't know how we got here, but I love it. I am just some guy, though. When you have someone like Arnott, you're like, there's market research.

There's like a testing team. There's like a, surely there's a professional word for it, but like a vibe checker. Like, you know, you see someone and you go, did someone just look at this and fucking. Well, they do like focus groups and stuff. That's what I mean, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So average Joes go in there and go, yep, love the idea of the new Tim Tam or like maybe not that one, tastes like toothpaste or whatever. So with a company this size, by the time it reaches the supermarket, how many channels and check-offs and sign-offs and shit has it been through? I reckon it would have gone through, and I don't know what you're about to say, but I reckon it would have gone through at least 200 people.

Yep. Does that sound about right? Absolutely. Including focus groups, marketing, like sales people even. The graphics people doing the packaging. Yeah. Yeah. I reckon.

And then actual R&D of like the product. Remember the snacks? Yeah. Oh, I love a fucking lot of snacks. So the three little poppy seed crackers and they've got like the cheesy dip in it. So you just get a little cracker and you put the cheese in. So I think along the lines of what's some cute little two or three items we can put together in one for lunch at school

or whatever, right? A Lunchable or Munchable or something. Is that what it's called? Yeah. So I've just sent you the picture. Oh, yeah. Tell me which one stands out. There's little ham bites, little bits of ham in the packaging.

Hang on, I'm just opening. And some tasty cheese, right? Ham? A square of ham in the packaging. Hang on, I'm just opening. And some tasty cheese, right? Ham. A square of ham, which is a fucking crime in itself. A square of cheese. Can we agree that ham and cheese go together? Oh, yeah, 100%. Classic combination.

Classic combination. You go Tony and Ryan, Simon and Garfunkel, ham and cheese. Yeah. And then a sweet hundreds and thousands biscuit. It's like fairy bread on a biscuit. So it's like a butter cookie, like a normal butter cookie, vanilla butter cookie. A sweet cookie.

And it has like pink icing on it and then like little hundreds and thousands, like sprinkles on top. And so you're going to put your ham, your cheese, on top of a sugary biscuit covered with sugar and sugary dots. And the way that they've shown it in the picture makes it look like you put the ham on top of the cheese on top of the biscuit. It's not as if they're going, have your ham and cheese and then a sweet snack after.

No, it's a triple play. It looks like you're chomping that in one. Yeah. It's a three-for-one deal. Yeah. And right next to it, they've got the same thing but with a Twiggy stick, which is a spiced salami stick. A spiced salami stick with cheese and the same fairy-breaded,

polka-dotted, hundreds-and-thousands sweet thing. Oh, if you look to the left, they're selling pizza with a scoop of fucking ice cream on top of it. Crazy! 200 people! 200 people. 200 people. Now, I'm going to put it out there. Of all the people that listen to this podcast,

of all the people who are in the Facebook group, which is what, 40,000? We're going to put a photo of this in, and I guarantee not a single person who's not trying to be funny or fucking rock the boat, there's not going to be a single. There's always one. There's not going to be a single genuine person. Genuine. Who says, oh, actually.

Sorry, you said genuine, so now I want to listen to the song Pony. Pony, my pony. I shall not this way to come and jump on it. I don't know that song. It should be in a very famous stripper movie. There is not a genuine person who's going to say. So sing genuine. Genuine.

You're saying genuine, but the way that you're saying it is like the singer. You need to say genuine. How does the singer say it? Genuine. Genuine. That sounds like Kiwi, genuine. That is.

Genuine. But it's like you're saying genuine. Yeah. And that sounds like genuine. Yeah. Yeah. You need to say genuine. But when someone's being like honest and factual.

Genuine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're saying genuine and it sounds like you're saying the singer. Say genuine. You're saying the same words. No, it's not stinger. Say genuine. You're saying the same words. No, it's not the same.

You're pretending like it's two different words. I hate when you do this. Okay. The pronunciation is very important. Okay. Otherwise you put the emphasis on the wrong syllable. Let me be clear. Thank you.

Both of you laughed at that. I appreciate that. Let me tell you about my uncle uncle, Uncle Jack off a horse. That's a grammar joke, not the same. There is not a single genuine person who is going to say that ham bites with tasty cheese and hundreds of thousands on a sweet biscuit is a good idea. No one, no one is agreeing with that.

Fuck no. Surely not. Normal or nah, fucking nah. I just, the chunk of ham as well is just sacrilege. And the spiced salami stick, I can't get over that. Do you like a Twiggy stick? I don't hate them, but they're not my fave. I love them.

And you know how when you worked in the deli? Yep. See, this is why I don't like that shit because we used to just eat all that shit all the time. The chances of me making it out of the supermarket and still having all the twigs that were put in the bag when I got it from the deli are fucking slim. Yeah. A Twiggy stick is like a Slim Jim in America. Slim Jim? That's what they're called in America.

Just so people know what we're talking about. Tell me – show me a Jim who is slim who fucking loves a Slim Jim. I love a Slim Jim Twiggy stick. Put it in my hundreds and thousands bucket. But I just – the way that they've put it on the thing is just really, really fucking weird. I'm against this. I don't like it. I'm wholeheartedly against this.

This is a hill I'm willing to die on. This is the one. This is just, this is very unfortunate if you ask me. It really is. That's awful. Yeah, I would love to know what people reckon in the Facebook group. I've got a lot to say to you. Ooh.

And it's more than just the headline, but it's my wife, Bridget. Oh. Because she, and actually I'll show you a photo of this, because we've seen some bad food photos. Let me turn it around. Yep. This is what my beautiful wife Bridget has produced this morning. Oh, the sourdough.

I know that every man and their fucking dog made sourdough right through the lockdowns and pandemic and stuff. Yep. But today, because we got some sourdough starter from a family that's been in the family for like three or four years, the same thing. Yep. The first loaf has been baked in our house. How good.

Yeah, and it's like the new house to us. We're still in the honeymoon phase. Yeah. The first loaf has been baked in our house. How good. Yeah, and it's like the new house to us. We're still in the honeymoon phase. Yeah. And then getting home and smelling like the bread's been baked in the oven. There's fucking nothing better than that fresh bread smell. Is there any more wholesome vibes than just ear walk? It is pretty wholesome. But it's not wholemeal.

It's white. Sour. What do you love to see? I love to see it. Brandon Draper shared this into our Facebook group, that he saw this tweet last night from Dan Andrews, who is the Victorian Premier. And the tweet from... Premier.

What did I say? Premier is like when they launch a new movie. You're saying the same word. You're saying the same way too, but two twice twice. He's the Premier. The Premier. What did I say? Premier is like when they launch a new movie. You're saying the same word. You're just saying the same way too, but two twice ways. He's the Premier. The Premier. Victorian Premier. Fuck. Now I know how fucking dumb I sound.

See, it's really fucking annoying, isn't it? The Premier. No, he's the Premier. The Premier. The MP. No. Well, he is an MP, but yeah. No?

The Honourable Dan Andrews. The Premier. The Premier Andrews. The Premier. The Premier. The Premier. Yep. Premier? Is that right? I hate this.

So, genuine Premier of Victoria. No, so he shared, new figures today show regional Victoria has the lowest unemployment in the country. There you go. Which is, I mean, great news. Yep. You love to see it. Excuse me?

He wrote that. The tweet from Dan Andrews, our Premier, says... From our state. New figures today show regional Victoria has the lowest unemployment in the country. Love to see it. Are you saying that the Premier of Victoria is a tarpa or is this like a coincidence? I mean, I hate to assume, but it seems like he's part of the Patreon to me.

Well, you better be paying. How good is that, though? That is great. I wonder if he is a tarpa. I'd love to see that. I'd love to see it, too. Did someone send that to us? Yeah, so Brandon Draper posted in our Facebook group.

Did Brandon, like, add him and be like, Oi, bro. Hey, do you love Tony and Ryan? Have you watched the wanking video in Patreon? The beep video in Patreon. Oh, it's still in there. If you want to become a champion taffy, you can see Tony's video about what happened to Coles in Maddington.

Okay. Thank you so much for listening. You bloody love to see it. Oh my gosh. What a great day. I genuinely loved premiering here with you today. Samara, I've got a story I need to premiere. It's about hairdresser Wendy.

Hairdresser Wendy? Yeah, and she does something. I actually don't know how you're going to take this news. Some people are like, it's great, I appreciate what she does and that's why I go there. But I reckon some people go, oh, no, I don't like that. I don't like that at all. But she's sort of gone viral because of this thing that she does.

Okay. And she does it to you within the first 90 seconds of you arriving. Now, I know you don't need any more hairdressers in your life, update pending, but that's tomorrow on the show. You're going to shit on a towel? I hadn't considered it, but I do have form. Yeah. Love you, bye.