Toni and Ryan - Google Thinks Toni is a Doctor

Episode Date: March 15, 2026

Downloadable Cards - https://www.toniandryan.com.au/pages/cards-v2NAPLAN testing - Herpe Birthday comments - Shopping centre hot take - love ya!!!!!https://tarpliverecordings.com/Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

is Tony Lodge a doctor? Ah. Hi, my name is Grace. I'm from Mesa, Arizona in the USA. Hi, I'm Craig from Glasgow, Scotland. Hi, I'm Emma from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. And I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast.

My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author, Tony Lodge. Hi. Someone actually asked, I forgot why. Dr. Tony was called Dr. Tony. Oh my God. My medical degree that I received from MIT University. Where is MIT?

If you guessed, you probably get it, I reckon. Do they do medicine at MIT? Marrakesh. No. What is it? Boston. Did I mean R.M.I. No, that's in Melbourne.

Yes. Yeah. MIT does not have a traditional medical school. Where is the most prestigious place to get a medical degree from? Harvard maybe. Harvard Medical. Yeah, that sounds right. That's not where I went.

Or one of those like real... I went to Stanford in Connecticut and got my medical degree. Stanford's in California. Harvard or the University of Oxford. I went to Oxford. Yeah. Because I went to bloody London. I did.

The reason we call Tony Dr. Tony is because she was filling out a loyalty program card. My one card. Which is a big department store. And instead of clicking on mid, Yes, she clicked on Doctor. They printed it and Tony just assumed that that meant she was a doctor. No, well.

Correctly. Yeah, correctly. Thank you for adding that. The card says Dr. Tony Lodge and when they send me mail it says Dr. Tony Lodge. So that's on them. Well, I mean, it's pretty crazy how easy it is to select. Yeah. Like it should be a little bit harder.

Like, you know how when you go onto a website or you want to like buy something and they give you like the capture code? Yeah. And you go, yeah. If you click Doctor. they should give you a little like question that only a doctor would know to verify. I've got a sore foot and have been eating lots of sugar. What do you reckon it is? Gout.

And they go, Huck. Cool. Capture. Allowed. You know, or like a hard maths question or something that only a doctor would know. I don't know why.

Like if I give you one meal of lardacane, what will then happen tomorrow? You know, like or something. I don't know why this sticks out in my brain. Love it. But one day there was a mathematician on the radio. And the host goes,

what's two plus two? And the guy goes four. And the host. goes, hmm, checks out. And it just, for some reason,

I always think about that. But that's the capture. You have to be careful. Yeah. But there was a thread being like, I call Dr. Tony, Dr.

Tony, but I don't even know the backstory. Yeah. I think that if you Google it, the AI, you know how Google, like it comes up with the website at the bottom,

but it has like the AI summary at the top or whatever. I think it says like, after completing her medical degree, like it truly believes. How many times? I don't have to worry about them taking out jobs. Do you know what I mean?

Because AI is, they don't care. Do your own research. Put my fucking tin foil out. Sorry. As you being a doctor had got anything to do with you wearing school shoes today? These are very cute and trendy Doc Martin, Mary James. Okay? First of all, you have...

These are very cute and very trendy. You had me until the word trendy and let me put this on the record. If someone uses the word trendy, they are not on trend. That's not true. True. The word trend. The trendy niente. So the problem is that I said they're trendy.

Yeah. What if I said these are cool? If you had I said they're on trend. Oh, these are having a moment. That's amazing. These are really having a moment. That's what I'll say. Now watch me.

I look cool as fuck. That's all I'll say. No, you do look cool as fuck. Thank you so much. But no one's cool as fuck if they use the word trendy in 2026. That's actually great fucking feedback. Is that showing my age of it? Charles, would you say, what would you say?

You're young. My mum would say trendy. Oh, that's a tricky diggy. Do you want to hear something that could be? I don't want to say it's an insult because I don't want to like divide my family. When it's already happened in the past. When the ultimate divide. Left at the fire station in the little box that goes red when the baby gets dressed in there.

Speaking of explaining laws, I'm adopted. adopted. Adopted. A doctor. That's feeling beautiful. That's just one mistyped letter away from being the same thing. We have gone down the route of wondering if that could mean we're related. Yeah.

We've talked about it a lot. It's not possible. It hasn't stopped as fucking either. Yeah. Nothing good. Not even this. Yeah. When my mum was on the show the other week.

And she said, you're a tricky. Dicky. And the way she was just like so happy to be there and chatty and someone said that's what Tony will be like in the future. And I was like, oh, I, whoa. Nah, you know what? Your mom is happy and carefree. She is happy and carefree.

And I would love to be happy and carefree. Arguably too carefree when mining a two year old. Sometimes too carefree. But she likes cheese. Yeah. Yeah, she's not allowed at mom. She is going to shit herself. I remember when your mom.

So your mom is like so smart. She's like a decorated school principal school teacher. She, do you remember when she asked if there was dairy and yogurt? How you go, mom, she can't have dairy and she goes, no,

she just had some yogurt and you went. Okay. So the thing. Give me the baby back. Yeah. And that fucking baby back. So you're in charge of principals who teach teachers, who teach the next generation of Australian children.

The future. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? fucking had a fucking gut full of hearing about. Fucking nap plan testing. I can't get away from it. I can't fucking get away from it.

Do you know what? You do nap plan 3, 5, 7 and 9. Do you know when I'd lasted a nap plan test? 2006, 20 years ago. I should not be hearing about a nap plan fucking test. They're everywhere. I don't have a kid in year 357 or 9

and I haven't done a test for 20 years. Charles did his last year. We're very happy for him. He was above average. But, If I hear about the fucking nap plane testing, oh, the computer's crashes. I've got to do it again. Oh, the fucking results are about to come out.

Oh, we're thinking about doing a different color pencil to shade the bubbles this year. I could not give a fuck. If I have to hear about it one more time, I swear to Jesus, fuck me, Christ. I was listening to Nova 100s Jason Lauren with Clint Stanway. Yeah, it's beautiful. They've got to do a three-banger name soon.

It's good. It's getting silly. Just call it Jace Lauren and Clean. Yeah. And be done with it. So true. Jace was doing a break on Natland tests. I'm going to fucking call it.

You know what? I'm going to call Jase and be like, you've got to get some better fucking content. He's not going to answer. Is there standardized tests in other countries? Because that's what this is. All the kids do the same test and everyone gets ranked and judged in the schools fucking tell everyone how good they are.

And then you find out where you're ranked. against like the average of Australia or whatever. He's not going to fucking answer. I'll leave him a message. I know that you won't fucking check this. That's why I'm going to let it rip. If you talk about napland on your show, you've got to get better content, okay?

If you want some ideas, I'm happy to brainstorm. If you go down on the ratings and you've talked about napland test, that's actually on you. You know that that's where I fucking came from. I love you so much. Let me know if you want to brainstorm.

Give you a bit of an air check. Love you, mate. I just don't need to hear about it. I shouldn't know what nap plan is by this stage. After year nine, you should forget about it until you have kids that are going through nap plan testing. What's my favorite thing to do in the afternoon if I had my way of like my perfect day? What would I do in the afternoon?

Okay. Probably like go for a swim and read your book or like look on realestate.com.com. But after a swim especially. Go for a swim. Have a shower in your outdoor shower. And then have a nagroney. Oh, before that, maybe. You'd have a nudie swim, hop in the shower.

I'll give you a clue. I've just listed all your favorite things. No, but you, when I tell you, you're going to be so fucked up. Oh, no, I'm going to be so mad. Okay, after. Just really think about it. And like, don't get too creative. Just like, what would I do in the afternoon if I had enough or not?

Besides jerk it. You would have a swim. You'd have a shower. Yeah. And then you would probably, read or look at realestate.com.com. Make a negroni. Sometimes you'll make an affigato,

ice cream and a little bit of coffee. You're thinking too good. You're thinking too good. Take it right back. And don't think, maybe not my best day, but just as a piece of shit, what would I do in the afternoon? Eat KFC, have a zinger stack of combo.

Am I in the realm? No. Fuck. Okay, what is it? I promise my best friends. No, but you actually... I know it, and that's why I'm... Yeah.

Give me the first letter. Give me the first letter. I'll give you a clue. And this is the longest way around for like a not very funny joke, by the way. Are you closing your ears? I want to say instead of nap plan, how about a nap plan? Oh, okay. And like, what would I do in the afternoon?

Do I know it, Charles? Do I know it, Charles? It's so silly. Yeah, I know. It's so, I regret it immediately. Is it sitting down? Close. Laying down.

Naked. Lying down on the couch. To jerk off. No. Just after that. Immediately after that. Air dry. No.

Wash your penis. No. Do I just say the line? And then we can move on to the show. Give me a clue because I got it. I'm so close. What does it start with? I'll give you a clue.

The word nap plan. I'll have a nap. I don't want to, this is not what I said to Charles, when your ears were blocked. Do you know what, though? Maybe what threw me off was the order

because you'd have a nap and then have a shower and then have a swim. Oh, no, but after a swim nap is fucking unmatched. Yeah. Yeah.

And so what I wanted to say is I don't want to hear about a nap plan. I want to hear about a nap plan. That's very funny. Everyone else has already heard it. Oh. Well, for anyone just joining us, Very funny.

Speaking of very funny, herpy birthday. Oh. Remember the Tapa that found out she had an SDI on her birthday? Yes, I do. The unlucky lesbian, I believe. Because there was an anonymous confession, so it was the unlucky lesbian. The Patreon comment section is having a bit of a moment. Did you make that?

It's really nice. I believe Danielle made that. Danielle? Did we make that? Yes. Letter by letter. Good job, Danny. That's really good.

Now, I've included... Oh, that's what he fucking thinks about it. If you could just go fuck yourself, that would be awesome. For those listening, I just accidentally dropped the birthday card that said herpy birthday. Ryan's just picking up the herpes card. Oh, I wrote a little note. Did you? Yeah, this is from someone, by the way.

This is a congratulations on your Naplan results. I tell you, though, after they talked about it on Sunrise, Torbs and I did a quick whip round of the NAPS. plan quiz and we fucking smoked it. The year three one? No, we did the year nine. Oh. Yeah, thank you so much.

That was a hard one. The year nine mathematics, no calculator. It sounds like you do want to hear about the nap plan. Well, I was like... Should you and I do the nap plan and everyone can guess who gets higher? I actually, I have done... Because you can see them every year from 2008. You can see all the tests online.

So if we just did a random... For someone that doesn't like the naplan. No, I saw it this morning and I was just like, these kids have got to fucking get it together. I reckon I could smoke in that plan. Tess, Toulbs goes, leave it with me. I'm fine. All right, herpy birthday.

You make my lips tingle. Is that what happens when you have herpes? That's from Amanda. I assume so. Is herpes a cold sore? I think it's a cousin of, if not. Because it's just like oral herpes. It's different to genital herpes.

No, but I think when you start sucking each other off, then that's when it's just. But shouldn't you not give someone a gob if you've got a cold sore? That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Then it transfers. Yeah. Is that right, Charles? Yeah, from, I googled it.

Oh, Charles just wants everyone to know that. He didn't know that. Yeah. He had to Google it. Hey. Stuff happens. Charles just recently did an STD test. I think we talked about it last week and all clear, which is wonderful.

Yeah. Did you have to do a swab in your penis? No, I just had to pee into a cup. Oh, hot. Yeah. But then like, they had to walk that cup to the front. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like, went to give it to the person.

I went to give it to the person. Then the lady was like, no, you're just, Put it, just put it in there. I was like, oh. They don't like it when you try and hand them your shit. No. Or your piss. Yeah, because I've been there.

Yeah. We'll get to my stories. Yeah. All good. Anyway, herppy birthday. Kane says hip hip, hip, herpe. Cleora says, Great name.

When you're just itching to celebrate. Raya says, Celebrate an STIle. we should work for Hallmark we are just churning out the fucking gold in the Patreon at the moment yeah Leah the fun is infectious

I like that or even your laugh is infected like have a great day like you've got such an infectious laugh yeah it's because I sucked off a guy with herpes with a cold sore yeah what okay just because you just sparked something

in my brain with the Hallmark comment what if we like did do like cards on our website that you could like download and print them off or whatever i think so that's pretty fun i think that's right because we're good at pans yeah and then what because who's our printing partner of choice at the moment because we've lord knows we've been through as a downloadable oh so you fuck you do take care of that you just download it and then you could take it to office works or you could download it and print it on your printer like what we've done with the herpy birthday card

because that's a low gsm i can tell that we printed it here that's okay we could put a I'm just saying I know that it's a low GSM. I know it's not a high quality piece of paper. It's print of paper and that's fine. But it's just like if you were giving someone a card, you would want a stiff bit of card. If I gave it to you, yeah, I'll give you a bit of stick. Yeah.

I'm actually going to ask you to take that back because it's not about. I won't. It's not about the- I absolutely want. The GSM is low. It is not about the GSM of the paper. It's about the message on the front. disagree.

I don't think you can give someone, forgive me, a floppy card. Okay. Well, that's flopping all over the place. I know we traditionally haven't done birthday presents. Mark this down for later in the year when you turn... 33. 33. I'm going to give you...

A floppy card. No, a terribly written card on the thickest paper. You can't even... I want that. Put it on a canvas. I want that. The harder the better. And I've always said that.

You will not be able to fold this card without two trucks pushing the card together to, like, force it to fold. And the message will be limp. And I'll go, remember when you said the GSM is more important. You know what I'm going to do for you, for your fucking stupid fucking birthday? I'm going to give you the softest, shittest bit of fucking paper. Yeah. And you're going to go, oh, it's going to just flick on. over.

I want you to write a beautiful heartfelt message on a one plie toilet paper. Yeah. I'll do you one better fucking bit of tissue paper. What is the GSM of toilet paper? Is that one? No, because the ply is not the GSM. Yeah, but I'm talking single ply, probably at a sports stadium bought at Costco. Typical GSM of a toilet paper goes between 12.5 to 25 GSM per ply.

Can I get a one GSM? What is one GSM? Is that a, is that tissue paper? Like what you would wrap? What is the lowest GSM paper? And order it right the fuck now. Also, I've just started like GSM is the only thing I look at when ordering t-shirts now. I actually don't give a fuck about the design or the how long it is.

Tell me the GSM. The weight is more important than the shape. For shirts, not cards. Not cars. No, that, no. Cars. Oh, cars. I said cars.

Cards. Cards. Charles? Yeah, it's not, it's not many people looking to buy stuff that's one GSM. So I'm just looking. Google, what's the lowest GSM possible?

Oh, apparently like a SIM card is, that's what they're saying, like a low GSM is like, a SIM card. No. No, that's thick. That's thicker than a card.

Oh, I'm so glad we're back on the same team and now he's the enemy. Uh, Joanna said, Hooking up that guy was a bit of, with, Joanna said, Hooking up with that guy was a bit of,

a bit of a rash decision. And finally, Caitlin. Hi, Caitlin. May your party be wild and your flare-ups be mild. Hi, I'm Craig from Glasgow, Portland. Hi, my name is Greece. I'm from Mesa, Arizona in the USA. Hi, I'm Emma from the Sunshine Coast Queensland.

And you're listening to Tony and Ryan. And welcome back from the breakabout and our plan testing. We're back and we're talking about the hottest tips of the, of the season. We've calmed down. We have calm down. Charles, sorry,

do you have an update on the GSM? Yes, so it looks like the lowest GSM you can buy online is 8 GSM. And that's four cigarette rolling paper. That is thin. Yeah. And do you know what works the same as cigarette rolling paper? Bible paper.

No, so Bible paper is 20 GSM. So it was a bit higher. Have you smoked out of Bible paper? How do you know that? Why do you know that? that why was that of anything you could have said about anything in the entire fucking world on your own fucking show you decided to discuss smoking from bible paper yeah i have actually

wow i've smoked a jaws wrapped in bible paper did it did you get you more closer to the lord yeah i saw jesus ma yeah um a few other of the disciples um gendered diapers for our Patreon. Here's a list of other people who have smoked illicit substances with Bible paper. Please name them now, Tony. Danielle Ballinger, hardly no. I could only Danielle. Kelsey Edy Kelly, remember when we did that?

Ashley King, she was keen too. Catherine Patterson. Charles' mum. Maddie Jew, more like Maddie J, Maddie Joss. Yeah. Ashley's specking. Oh, specking of getting hired with Ashley. Stacey Young, we were young when we did it.

Elisa grindlinger. We did grindling her up before we smoked it. Courtney Waters. We needed some waters after. You get a big of a cough. For a tower down. She's going to... Sorry?

Nothing. Okay. And Catherine Foley, good on you, Catherine. They're just a few of our champion tarpers over at our Patreon. If you're watching on YouTube, all the names from all tiers are scrolling along the bottom. They're the names in case you're wondering. If you'd like to see your name, you can join our Patreon. I would like to apologize.

Oh, okay. Because I got in the group chat. of Patreon a week or so ago now. And we ordered a double C. What'd you call me? No, you're a massive C. A double C is cream and coffee. Isn't it actually a triple C?

Yes, because it's also citrus. Yeah, and the little rind of orange on top, isn't that a real treat? It is good. It's a lovely coffee. I'd had too much coffee. I'd had too much cream. I got crazy in the group chat. It was late in the day too.

Yeah, I didn't sleep that night. Um, I ended up shirtless, sweating on the floor. I promised a tumbler to someone. Where did they live in the end? Do we know? Um, I can't remember. Not close. Not close at all.

They never do. I was yelling at people in Dublin. Um, hopefully they're still coming to the show. Vanessa, she got. Yeah. And I'm just really, like, sometimes the group, you just never quite know when the group chat's just going to pop the fuck off.

Do you know what I like about the group? So we're talking about a group chat that is available to the champion tapers of the Patreon. So you can chat with other tapers, share photos. to share funny stories, whatever. I love that they always, the type has always met you where you're at. Yeah.

Like if you're like on one, they like gas you up, they're so ready. Yeah, I guess that's where we're at. Yeah. And they just always, it's what's doing. It's so nice.

Yeah. It's like what you, when you need a friend, there's always someone in there. And that's like not an ad. That's just like genuine feedback. They're always there. There's always someone there when you need them.

Yeah. Like, and I needed about 65 people to hose me down that day. Yeah, and they did. And they fucking did. Yeah. Yeah. Every Monday, though, I do a hot tape.

Oh, it's in the drawer. I've got, well, yeah, I've got my headband here. Is that going overseas? Yeah, I think so. And Charles and I did some arts and crafts and we shortened this bad boy. Did we get a saw? We did get a saw. You can watch the video in Patreon.

Oh, wow. It was, yeah, went a bit shorter than we thought. No, it's a good length. It's a good height. Will that fit in your suitcase? case? And how will you explain that to the customs officer in Riga in Latvia? Maybe that could the headband could come.

The stick's coming. The stick I don't think could come. You can't bring a naked flame. They go, have you got any batteries, any cigarette lighters and any naked flames? I go, I do actually. Yeah. Or you say no and they go, well, then what's that? And they go, oh, well, here's one we prepared earlier.

Sorry, I'm just going to tuck this headband over my ears because it made them look massive. for a second and I really didn't like that. I looked like Prince Charles. Also shout out. We're in Latvia this weekend if you want to come and... Actually, we're pretty much sold out of Latvia. It's a small room. Well, so business, chat.

We have a business. Crazy, though, that Riga has gone so well. And we're wondering, is that the long tail, that because we talked about Riga for so long, people were so juiced up about it. Should we talk about London more? I think that any time we... do anything, we should drip feed it 70 or 80 times over a year, then announce it seven days

out. Yeah, yeah, because that, the formula of that has been successful for us. Yeah. Well, I can tell you that Riga is pretty much sold. Yeah. Stockholm, Dublin, going really well. London's going really well. But we just booked a fucking massive thing because we didn't want anyone to miss out.

So plenty of room. Yeah, we would love it if you came and brought five friends. five or six friends No but they are No No What But yes

What do you mean I think the thing about Also the London show Is that because it's going to be close with people I think that maybe you're going like Oh the live recording is a bit closer to me But the London show is not a live recording It's a different show

It's a hens party It's a hens party live show So there's, it's like, bridal games and like singing and dancing quite a bit. And, um, you know, like... Speaking which, how are your feet? Yeah, good. I've been practising. Are those school shoes?

Do they have a metal tip for the tap them? I've been tap dance. Of course I have. And we've talked about on the show because remember, Juliet Nicolae's older sister, Bernadette, I bought her tap shoes from her. So Bernadette Nicolio, I bought her tap shoes. They said, Bernadette Nicolio on the bottom and I had to cross that. out on that right Tony Lodge.

And how could I forget that? Juliet Nicolao's oldest sister. Like, I just, do you not listen? No. I'm not a tarpa. I'm a taper. I'm a tap dancer. Tarpers who tap.

Is that group in existence? I would love for every tarpa that tap dances to get together. You know how all the tapas that quilt are currently like fucking on one? I love that. Okay. So every Monday I do a hot take. Yep. Um, and this one could raffle some feathers.

It's not not plan related, is it? No, it's not too local. I'm going global with this one. Ladies and gentlemen, hot take, Tony. My hot take is that paying for parking at a shopping center does not make sense because don't they want you to stay for as long as possible and spend more money? You've been scorched. So fucking true.

So I've been thinking about this, right? You know how I went on a bit of a rant and a rave because the Woolworths near me introduced that you had to pay for parking there? It had been free all this time and then they introduced that you had to pay for it. And like, when you go to Chadston, it's so surprising that you don't have to pay for parking.

Yeah. Chatson, is that like the biggest shopping center in the Southern Hemisphere or something crazy? And it's like a, there's like a Tesla shop in there. Like, it's crazy. People travel to Melbourne to go to Chadston. There's a Chadston hotel. that's crazy.

Imagine flying all the way to Australia and staying in Chadston. Like some random suburb. Yeah, it's in Marambina. Like, what the fuck you're doing? Anyway, so it's so bizarre, but I'm like, oh, no, they're playing a long game because the longer you stay in there, the more money you'll spend. So what is the psychology behind charging for parking? Because doesn't it just make people go, fuck, like, I better, I better go

because I don't want to pay for the parking? or you get 60 minutes for free or something. How does that work? I think I've got an annoying answer. Okay, love it. Did well on his net one. When you spend more in shops, the centre doesn't make more money. You know what I mean?

Like the shop does. So how is the centre making money aside from parking? Rent and parking. Oh. Like that's their, that's their, that's their business. So true. So. So Chadston being the shopping capital.

What's its name? I believe that. Fashion capital, yeah. They, they can, Charles should be in this. Who is? Charles. Charles should be. I said Beck Jarb.

They're one and the same in my mind. Charles and Beck Jarb. No, so true. Similar face. Yeah. both very tall and thin yeah beautiful bodies

sorry jiles for saying that you have a beautiful body Beck John and I both from Perth so it's like fair it's all you guys have both got drunk at their Coterslow Hotel yeah when it was called the Cot though

like before it got rebranded and nice but wasn't it the C-H-O C-O-H now it's a thing oh I don't know the old cot yeah oh I thought I was like that's just like the old cot that's like that one That's that on cut.

Beck Judd and I also, like, because she worked at Kiss when I worked in that kiss in breakfast. You helped produce her show. I did help produce her show. And I also like, during lockdowns and stuff, because she got a bit hated about that online. But she came over to me one day. She goes, Tona, know that you're from Perth. Like, are you missing your family and stuff? Like, it was really nice.

That is nice. Yeah. Like, she's a really nice person. Anyway. Because of Beck Judd's endorsement. Yes. Chadston can charge really, really high rent and thus may not need to charge for parking. Or is it a strategy that they go, well, like, no, we don't charge for parking as a, like,

yeah, it's, you know. I mean, it's great. And everyone should do it because, yeah, it's fucked. Because doesn't it just encourage you to stay for longer? Maybe they don't want you long. They want you to get in by, she give them the money, fuck off and make room for the next one. Oh, turn over. Turn over.

Oh, like how at a restaurant? Like if they go, did you want another drink? You go, you know what? might that's like a table that they can't resale. Yeah. And think about Doncaster, for example. Yeah. They don't want you parking there all day.

They want you getting out of that park so someone else can get in because Lord knows and Tony Lodge knows. There's no fucking parking there anyway, who cares? Yeah, because, well, that's what I mean. They need to get that turnover gum. Do you know what I don't understand? How?

Deal or no deal? Do you know what I don't understand? how restaurants manage their bookings. And how when you walk in there and you go, oh, just a table for two, they can like figure it out. Like, it's really like a crazy algorithm. Okay.

So no, no, no, hang on. Because if I go in there and I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, like just a table for two, do they then look at the book or whatever? And they go, okay, well, that one's free right now, but there's going to be someone there in 90 minutes. Like, how long does it? Like, do they have to make a judgment call on how long we're going to tag? Like it feels like a lot going on like up here for, you know, matra-Ds, etc.

Well, when you said I don't get it and then you said, for example, then you just explained it perfectly. No, but how are they doing that? How are they, how are they guesstimating? And isn't there just a lot of moving parts? The other thing that I feel really bad about them is when they come and take your order and they bring your food back. Because I'm like, that's just so much for you to do. Like, I prefer it, but I feel like stressed for them. The other day, right?

on the weekend, Torbs and I went out for breakfast, and they were so, they were slammed. We went to, do you know where we fucking went? No. And neither do you, but what's the case. Oh, that place. Do you know what it's called? Yeah. The Clifton Hill McDonald's.

Nah. Is that the fancy one? Like the old school one, yeah. The old school one. Okay, hang on. I've got it in my Google because they just. Hang on. Where did Tony go for breakfast?

Where did Tony go from breakfast? Give me a suburb. Brunswick. Oh, um... I've been there before. Hang on, I'm just going to Google cafe in Brunswick. No. Brunswick.

It's called like, the name of it is like a play on words of the street. Brunswick Cafe, fuck, got narrowed down. Oh, Mary Street, Mary, St Mary. No. Lux Foundry. Oh! Lux Foundry. I've been there before with Brie.

Yes. Yeah, Brie four. Anyway, I went there. They've got a beautiful, big outdoor area. They were so busy. And I was like, just a table for two, like if you have one and they go, yep. And I was like, you haven't even checked.

Like, you haven't even checked to see if you've got one. Like, how are they keeping that in their minds? I just, I think that waitressing and waitering stuff, they deserve better because they have got a lot going on up here. I could never retain all that information. Well, I signed up as a doctor. Like, I'm a moron. Were they using iPads?

No. Just off the dome. Off the dome. I wish we went to Dome. At Dome, you have to order at the counter and they give you one of the little... Yeah, that's how they do it. Stands tags.

You figure out your own seating. Yeah. They do bring it to you though. You'll never guess what happened the other night. I was out with Liam and Phil. We went to like get an after-dinner cocktail. Oh, okay. Because we were like, we're not done yet.

Let's go like, let's go. Hot. I love that. And so Liam gets this immaculate cocktail, the special with fucking blah, blah, blah. Oh. I think I go on old-fashioned Classic The classics are a classic for a reason

Yeah Phil goes We also had that conversation of A martini sounds fun But am I just gonna be blackout drunk in 17 minutes Because it is straight booze It's just rocked for them So they have this other thing that was like The Joker thing

And it was like a spritzer whatever Anyway the girl takes our orders And we're all very aware That she has not written this down And we've had this conversation 74 times I'm not offended by you writing it down I would prefer.

I would love for you to write it down. And she kind of... You don't have to impress me. Yeah. I'm actually not impressed. And I won't be impressed if you come back with six cougars because you've forgotten what we said. For the record, I will always be impressed if you bring back six cougars. Just know that.

For the joke of it. Yeah, but I'll all like a cougar is bourbon and coke. I mean, twist my arm. You know what I mean. And it's the weird cola as well. Yeah, there's a weird cola. It's like the weird cola. Yeah.

Yeah. They couldn't strike me. L-A-I-S-Cola. Dude, do I remember? Do they still sell L-A-I-I-Skola? Let me go to my favorite milk bar at the Monti-South shops because that was, you don't get Coke or Pepsi at that, niente. L-A-I-I-I-Skola or some weird raspberry fucking creaming soda.

Do you remember that other brand of like, this is very niche? At Kmart. Shwebs. No, no, no, no. at Kmart's they used to have a vending machine out the front like inside the Kmart at the front like where the checkouts were and it was the cans that had the big A on it and they had like cola and do you remember those

what was that called Charles? I think it was called A, A Australian's choice. Oh my God, yes! And you could only get it at Kmart like they had a cold frosty vending machine Oh but you could also buy 50 cans that four cents each. From like FAL, like a bulk distribution place.

So we're getting concerned that this girl hasn't remembered our order. And you go, fuck, we've ordered three random cocktails. We looked at each other. We've had this conversation. And there's the vending machine. Charles is showing us the vending machine.

So they used to be, Charles, at the front of every Kmart. Every Kmart had that out the front. That is Australiana at its fucking purist and four. It's... Oh my God.

Sorry. At its purest form. It is Australia's choice. Can you still buy it? Do they do an LLB? Can you... Do you know what they probably would? Do you know what they definitely do?

Like a green? You know when sometimes you get like a lemonade? I don't fuck with a green. Sometimes you get like a yellow lemon squash. But sometimes you get a green. Yeah, no. I'll cop a green can. But if you're just doing like a straight lime.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Lime-Aid. Or I tell you the worst flavoring ever. Oh, you don't like cherry? Apple. Oh, get a life. Apple. Oh, great.

Apple flavored stuff? Fuck off. Oh, get a job. Yeah. Like fucking lift come. What is that? So the cocktail waitress comes back. Sorry, you've thrown me with that.

Do you remember when... Wait, I'll go you on worse. Sour Apple. Oh, God. Grow up. It's just a hint of fuck off. Like, it's a, it's a whisper of getting... Do you want me here or not?

Yeah, like, yeah. If you want me to leave, I can head off. I'll go get an Australia's choice from the front of my Kmart after I've bought some new shoes. Yeah, and I'll sit in the car park at Greensboro Plaza where I bought this from at Kmart and drink my Australia's choice colo. Where I'm not paying for parking. For free. after I've been to the taste of heaven and gotten some chips and gravy in a little takeaway box

and fucking slap me on the ass and call me Missy that's a Dave we're simple people here at the Tony Ryan podcast we don't need a lot but if you can give us an apple you can fuck off do you remember when Appletinis had a real moment and I think this was the moment

I went you've just watched too many sex in the city episodes this is actually terrible Do you know what fucks? If you say apple juice and soda stream, you can get the fuck out of this podcast studio. Oh, no, I have a job. No, no, no. Do you know what fucks?

A lachi martini. Thank you. Have you ever had one? I'm going to tell you something about me that's probably going to change what you think of me as a person. When I lived in Malaysia, my go-to drink every weekend. Lachie martini.

Too fancy. Oh. There was like, I'd buy this like lighty juice from the supermarket. The other thing that you were very happy about was that watermelon smoothie. Yep. Yep. That was during the mornings in the afternoon.

It was about... Charles, that was at the morning, okay? Two thirds lighty juice. One third Southern Comfort. I've never had Southern Comfort before. What alcohol is it? Great question. I don't think they really know.

Is it bourbon or is it? It's like a cousin of whiskey. Yeah, okay. It's in that area. Is that the spicy one? No, it's fucking just honey and sugar. It is so sweet. Oh, that sounds yummy.

It is. With a bit of lighty, that'll set you right up. Because they call it Soco, don't they? Southern comfort. Yep. A little bit of Soco and cola. But a lachy martini fucks.

Yeah, I bet it does. And then, because they put a whole lighty in there and it soaks up the booze. And then you eat that at the end. And it's just like so juicy. So the cocktail waitress comes back. Sorry. Yep.

And she hasn't written anything down. And she goes, I can't remember anything you guys said. She goes, I was going to take... Where was it? Name them and fucking shame them. No. Well, we just, you know what we could do.

She was going to guess. Like, she's like, oh, I could have been this. And I was, but you know, like, it takes them a while to make this. Totally. Yeah. And I'm like, well, you've made the right call coming back because that seems crazy. Honesty is definitely the best policy. But I was like, just fucking write a time.

down, man. Like, I'm not bothered. If you got your phone out and did a little note, I wouldn't be bothered by that either. It was that place we went with Guy and Henrik. Oh, yeah, I know it well. Yeah. Well, do you? Were you up the stairs?

No, we were in there. Oh, I've only been up the stairs. Yeah, so what's hilarious. Remember when they put us in that little thing? Yeah, to get us away from the other people. Yeah. So when you walk in, that... It was the third place we'd been to.

Yeah. When you walk in, there's the bar. Upstairs is like a nice cool lounge area. But in the basement. is the bathrooms. Oh. So Bridget is on the middle level at the bar. She's had a few.

And she goes, oh, I'm just going to go up to the toilet. But the toilet is down. So she goes up to this top like mezzanine balcony thing and just walks to the end of the bar and just like walks into the kitchen. She goes, I just assumed it was upstairs through the door.

And I like, why? And she goes, it's just normally where stuff is. And I go, that is so fair. That is very fair. And I go, Did you realize it wasn't? And she goes... When I pissed in the scene.

When I started pissing and the bus boy went, what? That better take like Apple because... Look, I got to you love to see it here. Amazing. And I think... Charles, how long have we been going? Like 40 minutes. Oh, sorry.

Okay, we're going fast. I think I have today from Alex, top Alex. Hi Alex. The most literal you love to see it. Of all time. Wonderful. Today I found out I get to keep my eye. Oh, well, I love to say that.

I had two tumours in it, lots of tests, scans, injections. It's been an 18-month journey. But today I... Tumor. Holy Noah. Remember that comedian, Amy Tuma? Thank you for the podcast. It's made the long way...

Do you remember the other day when he ordered that golden latte thing, it had tumouric in it? I actually did. Turns out the golden bit was just sugar. And I didn't hate that. And it was, that looked yum. It's made the long waits and stressful times a lot easier listening to your podcast.

So thank you so much. I would send you a photo, but I'll spare you the details because it's, it's been a journey, but he gets to keep it and it's going to be on the mend. Alex, that is so wonderful. You love to see it, says Alex. And I was like, respect.

What a journey. That would be being like, I don't literally know. whether I'm going to have an eye soon. Yeah. Wow, that's amazing. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you, Alex.

I have a wonderful you love to see it here from Lydia. Lydia says, My beautiful cousin Remy is the founder of a company called On the House. It's based in Brisbane, and the idea of the company is to provide free period products for people who need them, who either can't afford it or find themselves in a jam and don't have access to the period products that they need.

And it's all funded by the advertisers on the screens of the vending machines. So it's zero costs for the people that go like, oh, I need a pad or a tampon. But it's funded by like whoever's advertising. Australia's choice scholar. That's a bending machine out the front of a gamer. Lydia says, I'm so proud of Remy for the amazing company she's built. It's the kind of empowerment and positive change that I love to see. And I hope everybody else does too.

There you go. So they, yeah, it's based in Brisbane and I'm guessing that they're like kind of trying to expand out over the place. But yeah, and it's just free for. it's just so fucking cool. It's a great idea. Free for people who need it. And everybody deserves the dignity to have access to products like that. More things should be on the house.

It's a great name, isn't it? It is a great name. But also just a really cool thing that like, you know, a tarpa adjacent has made. Who did their branding? Should we email her? Actually, look... Do you know what I was thinking? We should advertise.

We should advertise. What would be the slogan for us? Not that. I think I would love, I did think about this, right? And I was like, oh, like, give yourself a pick me up. Feels really nice. But then I don't want it to be like, oh, women, PMSing. You know, that's a bit gross.

Yeah. So it's a fine line. Yeah. I feel like there's area somewhere. I think so. I think so. I think there's like a good pun that we could do. But I just think it's such a cool idea that I'm like, we want to fucking support you.

Yep. Get around it. I love it. Cool idea. I do like to say that. I love to see it. So thanks Lydia for sharing that and big up in your cousin because it's really fucking cool. So it's called On the House Group on Instagram if you want to check it out.

That's fucking sick. Tomorrow on the show. Yes. Confessions from daycare workers. These are top confessions. It turns out, you know how we were saying that kid went to school and said my dad had poke last night? Yep. We've gotten a lot of similar stories.

It's wild out there, dude. I think kids should just not speak until they've passed the year. seven naplan test. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a long way to go. Year seven.

What are you? In year seven, aren't you like 11 years old? 12, 13 maybe? Yeah. Yeah. Or until you know what you're fucking saying. Until you know the consequences from mom and dad.

There's some fucking shockers tomorrow. But we'll enjoy that then. Have a good one. Love you. Bye.