Toni and Ryan - Grandma's Revenge

Episode Date: September 7, 2023

Grandma Betty isn't happy guys 😂 love ya x [USED TO BE VIDEO EPISODE BUT NOT ANYMORE LOL TECHNICAL CHAT]Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge and we are calling Sam who is in Sydney. Samney? Sammy. Sam in Sydney sounds like a made-up name. Sam in Sydney sounds a bit like Emily in Paris. Hello. Hi, Sam. Hi, Tony. How are you going? Yeah, I'm good. Ryan's here as well, Sam.

Have we woken you up, Sam? Oh, Ryan, how are you doing? No, no, I've been up for a little bit. Oh, what are you up to? Is that Tony Felicia Lodge? Oh, my God. Sorry, have you picked up, Sam? Who's this?

Yeah. Ray brought in. I've picked up in more ways than one, I suppose. Oh. No, this is my piano. I showed Sam the podcast and he got an approval and I'm fucked off. Oh, my God. We're hearing live Biffo.

Yeah, sorry. What's your name there, Sam's partner? My name's Tiana. Well, Tiana, if you want to speak to us again, book your own fucking appointment, thank you. Yeah, we actually don't speak to people that haven't been in. That's what I've been saying. I've been saying it the whole time. Well, we actually don't speak to people that haven't been in. That's what I've been saying. I've been saying it the whole

time. Well, Sam and Sam only, will you approve this podcast? I would love to. Oh, good. Now shut the fuck up, Tiana. Hi, it's Sam from Sydney and I approve this podcast. I don't want to get ahead of myself welcome to the show by the way

it's a video show you can watch it on Spotify or use Smart TV as well as listen but my you'll love to see it coming up is probably my favourite oh and you're really

pulling the trigger early on that because it's like right at the end of the show. Yep. And I like it. You've got somewhere to be, mate. Cam's going to like it. Oh. The Tarpers are going to fucking love it.

Tony, not so much. Well. And it's your own fault. And you probably deserve it. I don't appreciate that. No. That's a rough start to an episode. Yeah.

Welcome. Okay. Also, Cam and I were almost in a fight in a cafe. We'll get to that shortly, but first, Tony, please. Okay. How do you sleep? Not a trick question. In a bed with my dog and baby and wife.

So that's like every day when you're at home, you're like sleeping and the bed's full because now. Well, there's a baby at the end of it in her little cot, but it's noisy. There's BJ's in there like looking for a cuddle. Like it's a full bed. Yeah, full house. Full house. Full house.

And then so when we have to like travel for work or whatever, is there a bit of you that goes, whew, empty bed? Yeah. Because there's a bit of that, isn't there? Yeah. You go, oh, it's like one night where I'm kind of can just like don't have to worry about, you know, a foot in the face or a tail in the eye or fucking,

you know, whatever because Pippa is tiny, right? She's like the size of a Mars bar but she takes up so much room in the bed. I think that would be like how can someone so small suddenly be so big and take up a whole bed? And Pippa is like the size of BJ's head. Like she's so tiny. But she like sleeps sideways. So like instead of just like curling up,

she like sleeps with her arms and legs out like this. Who taught her that? I don't. I actually have no idea. Who set the precedent for this to be okay? So we've actually had to add like we've got one of her, so she loves those tiny cuddle beds, the round ones. She's got a little one of those at the end of our bed

and she now like at night time will have a little snuggle and then we'll say, in your bed, Pip, and she'll hop in her bed, she'll curl up, she'll go to sleep. Oh, that's good. That is good. Yeah, and so now she sleeps in her bed, still in our bed. Is it still pretty cramped? No, because it's right at the end and because Torbs

and I don't share a quilt. Yeah. We don't have to, it's not as if the quilt, because it's right at the end. And because Torbs and I don't share a quilt, we don't have to. It's not as if the quilt's like under her and you're like. Did you feel like when you got that bed for her at the end that you got your own bed back? Yes, because all of a sudden she wasn't like sleeping up around our head or like between us where we were like, fuck, there's a fucking paw in my back and my spine's being fucking rearranged. So I love having BJ in the bed.

Bridget's okay. It's nice, isn't it? It is nice. But, like you said, when we travel for work and I go, oh, what a treat. Isn't it weird that when you're younger and single you're like, wouldn't it just be nice to spoon someone? Yeah. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone else in the bed?

Yeah. And then you're in a relationship and you're like, fuck, how good would no one in your bed be? So I got to the point where I think it was in Perth where we got in and I think we flew to Perth. We did a fuck of fun to meet and go. It was a huge day. Yep.

And I got back to the hotel and I was just like, oh. Bliss. Bliss. Oh, my God, the screens. Oh, no. That's producer Cam's fault. Is it? Is it, yeah.

Thrown under the bus. I'm all the way over here. Yeah. Did that work? Hopefully. And so I just crashed in the bed and I woke up like on the side of the bed and I was like genuinely annoyed at myself because when I woke up I'd realised I'd slept close to the edge and didn't

like fully starfish and lay in the middle and like literally the whole next day I was like fuck my one fucking chance to fucking lay in the middle. And, like, literally the whole next day I was like, fuck, my one fucking chance. Yeah. Fucking lay in the middle. Yeah. And I was like, why is this affecting me?

I know. Why has it ruined my day? I know. Because I slept like a baby. Yeah. And it was great sleep, beautiful, you know. Yeah. And you, like, cranked the air con and stuff.

Oh, the fan was on the door. You know what I mean? You had the conditions perfect, optimal for your. And I was, like, so annoyed with myself. I know. Why did I care that much? No, but I, so my question was going to be, yeah, like how do you sleep when you're alone?

Do you branch out or do you stay on, like, the side that you have? No, I'd go in the, like, if I have, I'd go in the middle and I'd be full starfishing at legs akimbo and then, like you said, fan on, AC on. Like, I'd ice that room down. Oh, yeah, I'm a big fan of, like, sleeping in a real cold room but then, like, rugging right up. Yeah.

And also, like, the spare pillows. I'm normally, like, arms around that and, like, because you don't have spare pillows in your house, like, at home. Or room for them. Yeah, you know, and so you just kind of, like, you're really, like, you're just at the perfect angle, everything's at the right height and it just like could be nothing better. A pillow for my head, a pillow to hug,

and then another pillow kind of like between my legs. Between your legs. Yes, because your hips are like higher. Yeah, so then. Usually that would be Bron's body. Yeah, yeah, there's normally something there. You need one of those pregnancy pillows, like the long pregnancy pillows. I pillows like i got one in the cupboard maybe i should bring it out for me yeah bring it out and just like then you can rest your leg on that yeah um but the regret that

you're explaining is so relatable i always think that about like food like this is this is like a tangent i i haven't written this down but you know how you just said like, oh, I wasted like the opportunity to sleep the way that I would love to sleep. Are you trying to fuck me off? Nothing annoys me more than food being wasted. No, but like, you know, when you go out for like a really nice dinner or like someone else is paying or whatever. I get the lobster stuffed with.

But you like go, oh, I'm not that hungry. Oh, that's funny. Or like, yeah, I'm just like not really in the mood for that because I do that with room service because I am not allowed to eat in bed at home. Yeah. Right? And you're definitely not allowed coffee in the bed.

Yeah, I'm not allowed anything in the bed at home because I always spill it and it goes fucking everywhere and it's just an absolute mare. But when I'm in a hotel, who's going to come into my room and be like, Tony, you can't eat a burger in bed? Yeah. Literally no one. Because if they came in, I would call management and be like, what's happening? When did we talk about young fun Tony? Was that yesterday?

Yeah. Let me explain how young fun Tony is. Well, young fun? Cool fun. Cool fun. Cool fun Tony. So say Tony and I have got somewhere to be on a Tuesday morning in Sydney. We'll fly up on Monday afternoon and then

we'll go, yeah, let's go out for dinner. Oh, Brad's in town. Oh, our other friend here. Yeah, let's go and do this, this and this. And then we'll have a fun dinner and we'll have some drinks, whatever. Then we'll go to bed and we'll do the thing next morning. So then we get to the hotel and go, well, obviously we're not going to do that. Yeah. And we walk down the hallway together. Yeah, we walk down the hallway. And then we go, see you in the morning.

And then one time we got a bit crazy and I was like, hey, Tony, considering we're just going to like cry and masturbate and get room service in our own rooms, do you want to like. Do it together. Yeah. Yeah. So we didn't do the masturbate bit, obviously. No, because it's not masturbating if you do it to someone else.

Of course. Yeah. So our big fun night in Sydney was Tony just being in my hotel room and we just ordered everything on the room service menu. Like popped our jeans buttons. We're like laying on the bed. I was like, you go to your room, take your jeans off, put your tracksuit pants on and you waltz on back here, sweetheart.

Yeah. I've already ordered the salt and pepper squid. There's a couple of burgers on the way. They've left us a corona at the thing. I'm about to singe my hair on the fucking lamp that looks like a hat. And we're not going to leave the room. Yeah, and we literally, and there was this

massive TV, like, over the bed and we just, I think we were watching fucking Family Guy. Like, they had Foxtel on. Welcome to the big city. Yeah. There's literally anything you can imagine in downtown Sydney within 100 metres either direction where it's like, no. And we were like, yeah, we're going to eat like shit food

from the hotel room service. But I tell you what was embarrassing because my room was just booked for one person. Yeah. Then the next morning the lady comes in and goes, oh, do you want me to take the tray away? Yeah. And she comes in and there's like fucking tomato sauce on the doona.

There's just everything. There's the salt. What's the, like the aioli for the salt and pepper squid. But also just like so many plates. So many plates. And there's one of me. It looked like you just ordered all this food, but it was the two of us like feasting. But you know what I mean?

Like, even if it was two of us, it would still be bad. Yeah. Yeah. But even though. It's not as bad as it looks. There was one other and they're like oh sure it was that makes it fine then it was like you the other day with the fag baby yes oh yeah my friend my friend was over yeah hey it's sam from sydney and you're listening to tony and ryan A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

Tharon Hibbard. Thank you. I think it's Tharon. It might be Taron. It's T-H. I'm guessing it's Tharon. Okay. Rissa Ravello.

Thank you so much, Rissa. Rebecca Zhang. Billy Kidney. Rissa Ravello. Thank you so much, Rissa. Rebecca Zhang. Billy Kidney. Oh, not Billy Lung. And Nyssa Delos Santos. Billy Kidney. Yeah. That's funny.

Big announcement on Monday. Big announcement on Monday. Yeah. Woo! How many clues do we want to give? You're coming and so are we. That's pretty good. No?

Yeah, I mean, yeah. Get the fucking room service ready. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Get the room service. Fuck.

Yeah. A lot of room service. Uh-oh. Should we make a bet about how much room service? No, because I'm going to fucking lose. All right, that's on Monday. Big announcement, though. Yeah.

So Cam and I are in line to get coffee downstairs the other day. Yeah. And the most obnoxious lady you've ever met or seen in your life is in there. Oh, no. Like, working in there? All those girls are lovely. They are lovely. No, no, she's in there ordering.

Oh. And she's causing havoc for the staff. She's kind of causing havoc for the whole vibe of the cafe. Oh, fuck. I hate that. And she's also causing havoc for anyone who appreciates subtlety or fashion. Oh. Do we get a description of her?

Huge leather boots with like a platform. Big black boots, long brown hair. She's Jet? No? Okay. And so the leather boots going into, like, a tight leather pant. Did she think she was Catwoman? Because there was, like, a lot of black leather. Mum, she was just feeling herself.

Yeah, and she's in there with her personal assistant who she's, like, bullying around. And I think there was a nanny for her like almost as equally leathered toddler. A leather toddler? A leather toddler. Wow. And so the nanny was getting pushed around and blah blah blah.

Okay, so there's her, a personal assistant and a nanny. And a nanny. And the toddler, yep. Yeah, and I would almost count. It's quite a, just to paint the picture for people, it's quite a long cafe but narrow. Narrow, but it's also like pretty chill. It is very chill.

There's like plants everywhere. But it's like in some cafes maybe in South Yarra there might be like a lot of like, you know, hot girl energy, well put together. Like it's a very like not. We don't really work in like an office area. No. You know, hot girl energy, well put together. Like it's a very like not. We don't really work in like an office area. No. So there's generally not a lot of like work people in there.

I will say there's five people there. There is her. Yeah. There is the nanny. Yeah. There's the assistant. There's the kid. And I'm going to say a fifth person for the jacket.

Yeah. Oh. Like carrying a wedding dress tail. Yeah. Oh, she was. Yeah. Oh. Like carrying a wedding dress tail. Yeah. Oh, she was. Yeah. She was. I'm going to count that as an extra person because it was just like so.

Because the jacket was so big. Yeah. Oh. The child will have a small decaf cappuccino, but only half the amount of regular powder as the normal powder, please. And make sure that my coffee is on a separate tray to the kid's one because the kid's one can't have his coffee near mine because it's got coffee in it. And the girl's like, I don't know.

The mixed nut seed bar, how many different types of nuts or seeds does it have? Because my child doesn't want more than three varieties of seeds in his mixed seeds bar. And can you make sure that goes on his carry tray and not mine? They weren't even eating in. No. Oh.

Can I get my latte to have half almond milk and half regular milk because I like that brand of almond milk but I don't love that brand of almond milk so I'll just get half that and half regular mixed together thank you no now um no way i actually i'm calling bullshit did that really happen you know how fashion brands like high end used to be like minimalist and elegant and now it's like how many times you reckon I can write Gucci and scribble it on a fucking jacket? I reckon I could fit a thousand on.

A dollar per logo. Because heaven forbid anyone fucking walked past and wasn't aware that I was wearing Gucci. I need you to know real bad that you're wearing a Gucci jacket, that I'm wearing a Gucci jacket. Everyone's wearing Gucci everywhere. Gucci, Gucci, Gucci. So what was that joke we were saying to each other, Cam?

I was like, Cam, go up to her and be like, oh, nice jacket. Is that from Noni B? He's like, no, you say that. My mum's got the same from Kmart. Yeah, beautiful. It's like, oh, I didn't miss out on the sale at JCPenney and neither did someone else. And we're like, that would have fucking sent her.

I just can't believe the decaf coffee for the toddler. I know that it's decaf so it doesn't have the caffeine, but, like, the coffee, though, is that still? Well, the caffeine is the bad bit. Is it? Oh, okay. What is decaf? Because if you take the coffee out of coffee, it's just nothing.

Well, I guess it's still the flavour. But, like, a toddler enjoying coffee is, like, very bizarre to me. Well, there was a lot going on. And because of the rudeness and the directness, Cam and I were like, you could tell the staff were getting frustrated, right? And we're getting frustrated watching and everyone else in the cafe is like. And so I said to Cam, cam like if i ran a cafe i'd just say don't worry about it and just tell them to fuck off no you can't do that why not because you can't that's rude and then we're like well if she

comes over here we'll fucking just you know that's not cool like we know these people we see all the time like you're treating them like shit it's like unacceptable you would not have said that to them we'll fucking revved up because this went for fucking ages and we were next in line so where all the time, like you're treating them like shit. It's like unacceptable. You would not have said that to them. We were fucking revved up because this went for fucking ages and we were next in line. So we're there like waiting as well. Also, I've decided that if I have a cafe, I'm going to have a sign, two signs. The first sign will just say no dickheads allowed, right?

And then the second sign, so when someone like her comes in, I'll just tap the sign. And then they'll go, what the fuck does that mean? And then I'll tap the other sign and it'll say, if he tapped the other sign, it means you're a dickhead and you have to go. That's so nasty. She just knew what she wanted.

Though being rude isn't, like, ever okay. There was a line of, like, you know what you want. You know what you want. Which, fine. Yeah. And sort of, like. But then being a jerk about it is, like, you know what you want. You know what you want. Which, fine. Yeah. And sort of like. But then being a jerk about it is like not right. Well, their order was so difficult and they were sort of like,

sorry, man, just to double check. So this one in this tray and that one in that. And it was like, oh, of course that's what I said. You know what I mean? Oh, nah, fuck off. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Nah, that's not fair. Because then you're like fucked off that they're trying to actually get it right. Yeah. If they just went, I don't care about that, and ditched it all on the same tray, I'd go, well, she's obviously going to arc up about that. But then when they're like, oh, yeah,

just to make sure that we get this right, then it's like, well, fucking hell. I'm pretty sure a whole song had started and finished. Because O'Kam and I are next in line and we still are like. So you heard a whole Angus and Julia Stone song? And we're like, fuck, she better not fucking look it. Like, we were like a bit revved up. Let's fucking go.

Yeah, let's fucking go. And you do feel like patriotic, is that the wrong word? No, I'm staying up for them. I'm defensive of the girls that work there. This is my hood. Yeah, because they are lovely. And then, you know, when you do the, for anyone watching the video show, you'll know the face.

Like, you know, when you kind of go up and you go like, how are you guys going? You know, how are you kind of going? I said to Cam, because we were next, I was like, before we order, she's going to do that. And she fucking did. Hang on. Yeah.

So they finally finish ordering. 40 minutes later. Cam and I are fucking just like so annoyed and cringing. We don't know where to look. It was just so awkward. And she turns around and says, I'm so sorry that took so long, guys. Sorry to hold you up. And Cam and I both went, all good.

Didn't even what? Didn't even notice. Literally. Literally. Literally. Like a literal, I would have done the exact same thing. I didn't even notice. We're just hanging out.

All good. Actually. I don't have a bus sketch. It's the same as when you're in an Uber and they like go the wrong way. They shit on you and they fucking do something and they go, yeah, thanks so much. And then the thing pops up and then it goes five stars. You go, yeah. Thanks, mate. Yeah.

Five star driving. Yes. Great job. You know go, yep. Make it. Yeah. Five star driving. Yes. Great job. You know, every time. Every time. But it was like we'd played out this scene in our mind ten times because we had enough time to play it. And then, oh, good.

And then you actually had the opportunity to, like, say something, but then she was nice to you and you went, that's fine. Yeah. A bit like she's also a bit scary. She sounds like a very powerful woman. She might have you knocked off or something for saying this publicly. Maybe she should have done this on a video show. Yeah.

We might get whacked. Yeah. You never know. Or like Gucci. Don't say that in the bad way. We might get whacked. Cam's like, fucking right. Fuck nice.

Don't threaten me with a good time this weekend. All that leather. I've got to we might get whack. Cam's like, fucking right. Fuck, nice. Yeah. Don't threaten me with a good time this weekend. All that leather. Yeah. I've got to love to see it. Phone's blown up. Someone died. Oh. I've just got to get this ready here because last week,

Tony Lodge on this podcast talked shit about my grandma. No, I did not. What did you say? I didn't. I just said I thought that the poem was going to rhyme. She wrote a lovely poem for your cousin's wedding, and I just said, oh, I thought it was going to rhyme. Grandma said that some writers get defensive of other writers

because they think their turf is being encringed on. Because my grandma's a bit of a poet and a writer, and because you're an author, she's like, I think Tony's a bit, there's only enough room in this podcast for one writer. That's what grandma reckons. I don't think that that's true. So anyway, spoke with grandma yesterday. Yeah, good.

How is Betty? She listened to the episode. Good. She goes, I heard what Tony said about my poem. I said that the poem was beautiful. I just thought it was going to rhyme. You had some stern feedback. And then Grandma said, if Tony's got feedback for me,

I've got some feedback for Tony. Oh, wonderful. So, and she, like. Great. So, press play. I'm really scared. About, hang on, like. Great. So, press play. I'm really scared. About, hang on, what was it about again? So, your grandma wrote a poem for your.

And you said it was crap. Why was it crap? I didn't say it was crap. I just said I thought it was going to rhyme. You're really pissing me off because that's not what I said. Grandma has some feedback on your feedback. Tony. Roses are red, violets are blue, so fuck off, Tony. She looks so sweet.

It still doesn't fucking rhyme. You're still going to sit on this? It doesn't rhyme. I don't think she gets it. LAUGHTER It doesn't rhyme. I don't think she gets it. Thank you for that, Grandma. What have you got? My love to see it.

I mean, apart from that, it's just fantastic. I love being sworn at by your grandma. It's very funny. She's 92 this year. Yeah, you can tell. 92 years she's been working up to that. That's very funny. She's 92 this year. Yeah, you can tell. 92 years she's been working up to that. That's very good. I saw this on Instagram.

Actually, the little woot shared it to his Instagram story. And someone posted a tweet tagging the Dublin bus service and said, hi, at Dublin bus service, my three-year-old wanted to know how you decide which buses get to sleep inside the depot garage and which ones have to sleep out in the yard. Genuine question. Great question. And the Dublin Bus Service actually responded and said, Hi, Matthew, we have rung around to a few of the depots

and we can confirm that all buses are loved equally and take turns sleeping inside the warm depot. Those sleeping outside are given cocoa to keep warm. Isn't that nice? Isn't that so sweet? Do they also love a thick hot chocolate? Yes. Well, they're not planes. So it wouldn't be as big. The buses would want to be.

Yeah, they would be. They're growing up to be a plane. You can go to get to plane school. Ah, work in the bus. Okay. They're growing up to be a plane. Didn't get to plane school. Ah, working the bus. Okay. Yeah, okay. But I just thought that was so sweet. That is so cute.

And then he would have gone and told his friends about it. Yeah, he would have been like, oh, I heard from the king of the buses that that's what they do. From bus king. Yeah, I just thought that was so sweet. Excuse me, Mr. Bus. Yeah, I thought that was so sweet. That is so sweet. Yeah.

That is so sweet. And you know what? It takes the social media guy two minutes to make a call and type an answer and you've made someone's day. You don't even have to make a call. You didn't even have to call anyone. Like, literally, you can just write that. It didn't even rhyme.

Yeah, great. You'll have to see it. Yeah, fuck. All right. Have a great weekend, everyone. Big announcement Monday. Big announcement Monday. Yeah. You won't believe it, everyone. Big announcement Monday. Big announcement Monday. Yeah, you won't believe it.

Huge, huge announcement Monday. Huge. Big mistake. Huge mistake. All right, we'll chat to you then. Love you, bye.