Toni and Ryan - Hello You Beautiful Thing

Episode Date: January 14, 2024

What side of the bed are you on babe?! LOVE YOU!! Toni xoxoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Tony. Thank you for remembering my name. I was going to call you spiritual awakening Tony because the way you just glistened. Yeah. What's the hand thing you're doing? I don't know. Just feeling a bit glam. Yeah. Let's call Emma who's in glam capital is what they call it. Toronto. Minnesota.

Minnesota. Wrong glam capital obviously. Hello. Emma. How you doing? Hey, hi, guys. Welcome to the first, I don't know if anyone else cares about this, welcome to the first approval we've done through Instagram chat. I didn't know that was a thing until three minutes ago. Yeah, I did.

And then, honestly, the technology has superseded my brain, that's for sure. The robots can have us as far as I'm concerned. They've done me right. Hey, Emma, will you approve today's episode? Of course, guys, 100%. Hey, it's Emma from Minnesota and I approve this podcast. Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Which side of the bed is your side of the bed and why? Toni, which are you? At the moment, I'm on the right. Yeah? Why is that? Because it's furthest from the door. That's what Bridget and I do. Every house we've lived in, I've been on door side because heaven forbid a scary.

You get murdered first. Yeah. Yeah. So I'll protect Bridge and Tom's protecting you. That's really nice. I think that's really sweet that we both have the same formula. Yeah. Because I don't care what actual side. Like, I think some people are really fussy that like they have to sleep on the right

or the left. I think it's like when you, but now that that's your side in your house, like that'll be it. No, like I'm not a sociopath. I'm not hopping into bed and just like, oh, wherever you lay is fine. All right, so you're ready to find out about what sleeping on which side means which. So I'm currently, we're both on the same side.

We both sleep on the same. On the right. Yeah. Oh, no. People who sleep on the left side of the bed are more cheerful and are more calm. Mm-hmm. People who sleep on the right side of the bed,

earn the most money, and are more planned and more organised. So that's you to a T. It says in brackets, if you've just moved into a new house, significantly more. Tony's rich, by the way. No, no, no, no. I just don't have kids. So I think it's false. False money. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just not spending it on, you know, reusable nappies and stuff. Yeah. Just, I don't know, what else do babies need? Food.

Yeah. Education. All that shit. Yeah. Nah. But also, and Torbs, so what did you say about the person that said So Torbs is the most calm? Yeah. I think that's right.

Calm, definitely. Most cheerful. I don't know about that because you're like audibly cheerful. I am. I think he's like a happy-go-lucky but calm in a calm way. Yeah, he is very happy-go-lucky, but I'd say cheerful is probably not the right word. So Bridget's on the left at my house, more calm.

And I think I've said this, I think this is already on the record. Bridget in a crisis, terrible. She's a panicker. She's not. She's a panicker. So like if someone were to choke, like. She's not calling 911. No. She's not jumping up to do the Heimlich. She's a panicker. She's not. She's a panicker. Yeah. So, like, if someone were to choke, like. She's not calling 911. No.

She's not jumping up to do the Heimlich. She's just yelling. Yeah. And if I ever, I don't want to jinx myself, if I ever get in a car crash. Oh, heaven forbid. It's not because a car pulled out. It's because a car pulled out, Bridget screamed, and that scared the shit out of me, and then I crashed.

Yeah. But what about cheerful? Very cheerful. But she is more of a planner. She's more planned and organised, yeah. So do you think that they can be changeable if we are changeable? So like when Torbs and I were in Hawaii, for example, I slept on the left because that was furthest from the door.

Yeah. And were you more cheerful and calm then? I was cheerful and calm in Hawaii. And was he earning more money in Hawaii? Torbs didn't earn any more money. No. We spent a lot of money. Was he more organised in Hawaii? Torbs didn't earn any more money. No. We spent a lot. Was he more organized in Hawaii?

He's pretty organized. He's not disorganized and he's like very punctual. Like he's always on time and stuff. I'd say for the most part that's pretty accurate for us. I'll tell you what's real crazy to think about. Tell me. This is for younger couples who live in either a share house or they're doing the hippity-dippity in the family home,

is when you've got a double bed but it's up against a wall. That's a power move, I reckon. The other person has to climb over you. It sucks. Except there are times that you can use that to your advantage if you're the one on the wall. So they're getting up to pee and you're like, oh, yeah, I'll give them a wristie.

Oh, yeah. And he's like, well, I'm trying to pee. Because I was always on the wall, so I'd be like, oh, I just have to climb over you to get out. You know? For those playing along at home, Tony just showed her bra to the people in the room. I slipped a little.

Are you wearing a T-shirt under that? No, it's a dress. I'm wearing a bra, though. Oh. It's a slutty one. A see-through. It is, too. What have you got?

You got something on this afternoon? Nah, just slutty bra. Make me feel hot. Is it working slutty one night? A see-through. It is too. You got something on this afternoon? Nah, just slutty bra. Make me feel hot. Is it working? Yup. I have some more disturbing news. If we were going to sleep in bed, oh no, I'd be further from the wall. Yeah.

A door. What if the door, heaven forbid, was like, oh, that's bad feng shui. That is bad fence way. When you walk into the base of the bed. But you know where you stayed in LA? It was like open bedroom. It wasn't a bedroom. So the bed was at the end.

What side did you sleep on then? Furthest from the window. Bridget would have been furthest from the front door. Yeah, yeah. So looking at the bed, she would have been on the right. Yeah. Yeah. Bad news.

Bad news. Not bad, but disturbing. Someone who listens to this podcast has commented. They live together? These two tapas? Yeah. Well, one's a tapa, but she lives with her partner. Yep.

Oh, no. My partner and I don't have designated sides. On any given night, we just jump into whatever side and it's fine. No. No. I don't like that. No. No, no, no, no.

Where's your phone charger? That's all. Yeah. Whose charger is this? You know, what if you don't have the same phone? Torbs and I don't have the same phone, so we can't share a charger. So you know how on the night you wake up and you're like, oh, I wonder what the time is?

Like just check the time. And so you roll over and just like fling your hand out because you know your phone's kind of going to be in that same spot. Absolutely, yeah. If you're on the other side, you end up fingering your partner's nostrils. Yeah. And like that's unplanned. They're asleep.

Not anymore. Yeah. What time is it? Don't know. But I know they haven't blown their nose for three days. You got all your stuff in your bedside table. Yeah. Are you a bedside table guy?

No drawers, nah. Oh, you got another conspiracy? So where do you put your sex toys? In my arsehole. They're always ready to go. No, they're in Bridget's nose. That's why she's trying to get them out. The thing about drawers on a bedside table.

Is that they're for sex toys? Is if you have them, they just end up filled with shit. And if you don't have them, there's no shit. Like just papers and fucking stuff. There's no paper in my bedside table. That is so odd. That would be on a desk. Why would you put that in your bedside table?

It's like a thing you're like, oh, there's like a receipt in your pocket. You just put it in the bedside table. There's like coins for people that live in the 70s that have like physical money. Why? Do you put your wallet on your bedside table? Sometimes. No, you don't. Ever since you introduced me to this new thing called Apple Pay,

I haven't seen my wallet for weeks. You don't need it. But what do you, where do you, like when you, this is a dicey question to ask you, when you walk in the house, where do you put your stuff down? Sometimes I, because my. Because your desk is right next to the front door. Yeah, the front room is like my office.

So sometimes I'll chuck it on the desk. Other times the kitchen bench. Sometimes a bedside table. That's crazy to me. So we've got like a, like. Sorry I don't have a foside table. That's crazy to me. So we've got like a, like. Sorry I don't have a foyer entrance like you guys do, but please tell everyone about it. It's great.

We know like, you know like a mud room, which is where you're supposed to put like your coat or your shoes or whatever. We have like a mud, like so as you walk in the front of the house, there's like a cupboard for that. Would you call it the lobby? So it's where Jeeves sits. Where the butler welcomes you through.

There's an office, you wear a score of perfume and a mood. There's like a cupboard. I think a little table by the door is imperative. So we've got like a little cupboard and it's good because like there's just shit in there. You can't see it. But it's like, oh, if you need car keys or house keys or whatever, they're all in there. Sometimes they stay in there and you lock yourself out. That does happen.

So I've heard. So, yeah, I just can't imagine ever like taking my bag off my shoulder and then putting it in my bedroom. Maybe that's just from living in share houses for so long that like. You're keeping your stuff private. Well, your stuff's just in your room. Yeah. Or like being a kid when you kind of walked to your room. On my bedside table now would be, as in like last night,

would be my phone and a charger. Yeah. A book that I have to read for uni and my first class is tonight. RIP. I have a lot of reading to do this afternoon. And a water bottle that's had water in there for probably three weeks. And every night I go, oh, I'll go to bed and, like, sip on this, and then I just fall asleep.

Don't you need water through the night? I always need water through the night. I need it, but I don't drink it. Oh, okay. I just prefer to wake up parched and hate myself the next day. Yeah, okay. Well, I think this is all to say that I don't keep random things in my bedside table. There's normally, like. this is all to say that I don't keep random things in my bedside table.

There's normally like. What is in there? Just. What would you, what's it called? What's it called? My bedside table. No, what's in your bedside table? There's nothing in there.

There's like chargers, obviously. For the. And that's it hey it's Emma from Minnesota and you're listening to Tony and Ryan and lastly shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. That's tapas, Tony and Ryan podcast. Mari Pittleman.

Good on you, Mari. Thanks, Pittles. Megasaurus. Jerry Lee Wright and Melinda Britton. Good on you. Hello, Melinda. That is awful. Sorry, Melinda.

Hello, Melinda. And sorry to everyone that had to hear that. I'm sorry for everyone from Britain that I did that. I thought I would really trump whatever story's coming and I would do my own. But seriously, you listening to this podcast now, think about the most embarrassing moment in your life. Do you think there's like one obvious thing that comes to mind

or is it always like three or four? I reckon for some people there would be one thing that they go, I don't know what mine is because I just get embarrassed so frequently. Was it when you threw up in that guy's mouth and you're trying to kiss him and then you had too many drinks and you spewed in his mouth? Would that be, that'd have to be top five, surely. That'd have to be, yeah.

That'd be something. Would it be when you shat yourself in the Audi? Nah, that, nah. That was fine. The other time I shat myself, though, in the car when I was just out of dating my boyfriend, Torbs. Oh, that was a harrowing time. That wasn't great because I really liked him

and we still thought each other was sexy because it was so early on. And then he cleaned your own shit out of your own car. Yeah, well, he saw the shit coming out of my butt. Like there's actually, you can't come back from that. Well, apparently you can. Well, you can. That was 10 years ago. Yeah, but I think that was a time when you went from like sexy

to like, oh, we actually care for each other. Yeah, so we'd been in a relationship. Would you say it's romantic? Yeah, it was a good test. It was a moment in time. It was a test. It was a line in the sand. I think it was about two months after we like became official.

Okay. So, yeah, it was early on still. But, yeah, we were like, wow, we didn't love each other yet or anything. We didn't say it. Maybe that's it because I said to Tobbs that I loved him and he said I'm not ready to say it yet and then I had to just go jump off a bridge. That was really embarrassing.

So you got a few to choose from. What's yours? I crashed my car when I was 18. Not a bad. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. You've recovered? But it's not like a bad.

It was like the opposite. It was like so silly, just backed into this thing and I was like friends in the car and But it's not like a bad, it was like the opposite. It was like so silly, just backed into this thing and there was like friends in the car and I just felt so dumb. Oh, yeah. Like I just got my license. And then you have to call your mum. Yeah. And tell, yeah.

Yeah. And I still, I sometimes still think about that and I go, oh, you're a butt of dickhead. And I was trying to be smart. You know, I was young, I just had my license. I was like, what's up, ladies? I'll just back out of it. Oh, God.

That's pretty embarrassing. Yeah, it is really embarrassing. I've done it too, so I can say that's embarrassing. I was also trying what's up ladies, I'll just back out. Oh God. That's pretty embarrassing. Yeah, it is really embarrassing. I've done it too, so I can say that's embarrassing. I was also trying to pick up some ladies. How'd that go for you? Crash my car. Yeah, I agree with you. I think there's definitely two types of embarrassment.

Something I did at the farmer's market yesterday and I woke up. A farmer's market. That is like just a safe area where you can't fuck around because it's so safe. What did you do? And when I, you know how I was saying like there's the in the moment and there's later? I woke up this morning and was like, like I was hoping to wake up and go, oh, I had a crazy dream about this thing at the farmer's market.

No, it really happened. So is this your thing? Not worse than the car. So it wasn't embarrassing in the moment. It was embarrassing. Oh, it was pretty embarrassing in the moment. Okay. But then you took it home with you and went, fuck, that was.

I told Bridget thinking she'd laugh and she just went, what? Oh, no. Not so cheerful now. And she goes, was that with our baby? And I go, yeah. And she goes, was that with our baby? And I go, yeah. And she goes, fuck. Like I'm related to them. Oh, no.

At the farmer's market with daughter Mabel. Yeah. So just the two of you. Well, often at the farmer's market, because sometimes there's like lines for the popular stuff. So I was like, me and Mabel will go get the strawberries and like, you go and grab the milk and like, you know, we kind of have a little system down. Yeah.

Because like you could be there all day. But I like the experience of the farmer's market. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like just a few things that kind of will split up for a bit or like, especially if like you go wait for the coffees and I'll pick up some stuff. And so Mabel is in the pram and she's facing away from me.

So you're both facing forward. Daughter's in the pram facing away from me. And when you're in a farmer's market and you're a tired dad, sometimes you kind of just use the pram as a trolley and kind of forget that there's like a baby in there. Don't shoot the messenger. It just sort of happens. You're just in the zone doing your thing.

You use it as like a plow as well, don't you? No, I don't knock people over with it. But you can kind of split the crowd with it a little bit. That is a fact. Yeah. But because under the pram there's like another shelf, it's like actually great for carrying all the shit. Yeah.

So I'm kind of in no man's land, tired, it's early. I'm pushing the pram around, which I'm in my mind, it's kind of just a trolley carrying the stuff. As soon as I say this next bit, you're going to know exactly what's happened. I rock up to the berries lady and she goes, hello, you beautiful thing. Yeah.

And I, human, not like adult, not baby. Not baby, yeah. Not a beautiful thing. Not a little beautiful thing. Yeah. Hello. Then she looks up from Mabel, who I've just realised that she was looking at, and she goes, what?

And I go, what? I was tired. Are you talking to the pumpkin in the trolley? I mean, pram. I put a heap of stuff in there. I'm surprised you can to the pumpkin in the trolley? I mean pram. I put a heap of stuff in there. I'm surprised you can see the baby. And as soon as it happened, I thought, for the next 20 years, I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night and picture her face,

the one that she looked up from the pram, looked up at me and goes, what? Okay. She knew. There was no recovery. You couldn't go, oh, hi. You know like how sometimes you go like, what a cutie, and they go, oh, thanks. You know, like was there any of that?

Yeah, now I reckon there could have been. But you didn't think quick enough. Well, the reason I found myself in the predicament is, like I said, you're kind of in autopilot, kind of half asleep, very early in the morning. I wasn't on. Because that's like an on person's move, go, I'm going to just fucking work. So when she goes, what, I just went, what?

Did you also, the cheesy hello that you just did, is that actually what you said? Hello. Well, you know that thing where you kind of mirror people's energy? Yeah. Because I think that's really adorable that you did that, but it maybe sounded a bit condescending. Yeah, because I think that's really adorable that you did that, but it made me sound a bit condescending. Well, no, no, I think I thought she was just like being a bit

like fun and silly. Yeah. So I kind of matched her fun. She was like, hello, beautiful. I was like, oh, hello. Hi, gorgeous, kind of thing, yeah. And because she was like older, like if she was the same age as me, maybe that would be like weird.

Yeah. But because she was like an older lady, you know, just like an older lady being, oh, young chap with a kid, how you doing? I was like, hello, old lady, how you doing? Yeah, nah. You don't really like berries, so at least you don't ever have to go back. She goes, anything for you today? I said, no.

Nah. Just for my beautiful baby who you were just talking to and not me. I said, oh, Mabel will have some blueberries and a small thing of raspberries. She also is beautiful. I agree. Hello. It's the way that you responded to her I think that makes it amazing. Because I was tired.

I think I was accepting the compliment. Yeah. You're like, I needed that. Yeah. I was like, I needed a little pick me up. And fucking lady, berry lady, you've picked me right up. That's nice. And she's like, actually, no, I haven't picked you up.

Yeah. I was chatting to your child. You know what? You're lucky that she didn't, you know, cluck you weren't wearing a wedding ring and then go, so how many berries do you want? I got a couple out the back or something, you know? Yeah, maybe I need to find my wedding ring.

Yeah. And I'd like to use. Because in a single dad at a farmer's market, I mean, hello. Like. Just for the record, I haven't seen my wedding ring for probably a year. It's because you're not keeping your sex toys in your bedside table. It should be in my bedside table, but I don't have a drawer. That's what it's for.

That's what it's for. Wedding rings are here. It all makes sense now. Yeah. So anyway, I'll have to jump off that bridge you were referencing earlier. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I've got nothing to say.

Very rarely speechless. Hello. What? I really love to see it here. Tapa Elizabeth Marvel. And what a marvel she is. What a great name. Right?

It's not as good as Please Be Patient, I'm Nine Years Old, but it's sort of that similar energy. Okay. And I would put this in the category of dumb but fucking hilarious, like bumper stickers. Perfect. This is what it says. My other car is another car that has a sticker that says

my other car is this car. I saw this and fucking fell off my chair. I thought it was so funny. You know when people are like, my other car is a spaceship or whatever. That's so good. And I saw that and I was like, yeah, that will do me for today. That's amazing. I've just embarrassed myself at the farmer's market.

I needed someone to pick me up. I needed someone, yeah. Thank you very much for that, Elizabeth Marvel. Oh, and for that great name as well. Great name. Love that, Elizabeth. My You Love To See It is from Shannon Lee who posted this in our You Love To See It thread in our Facebook group.

This week, a colleague and friend is specified. Two separate people? Colleague and friend. No, colleague and friend. Okay, like us. Colleague slash friend. Are we co-hugs? Kellogs.

We love cereal. Cereal. Are we Sultana brand and friends? Oh, that's fun. If you were a cereal, what would you be? Crunchy nut. I think I'd be Frosties because you can't have them all the time, but when you do, it's quite nice.

Is that your way of saying in small doses? Yeah, like I know that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but at some point in the year you'd go, fuck, that'd be okay. No, I'd have Frosties every day of the week if you were the Frosties. That's really nice. That's actually so nice. Thank you. I needed that. Yeah. Thank you. I needed that.

Yeah. Thank you. I think I'd be all brand because I make you need a shit. Because I always shit after having you. I don't know what it means either, everyone. I'd be Froot Loops because I'm a little hole. Please continue. Okay.

This week a colleague slash friend and I were working on a sack. Nah, S-A-C for our VCE chemistry class. A lot of words. But they're in school together. We both came across an article about corn being grown in the US for the production of bioethanol. Conspiracy. Exactly right.

My colleague laughed to herself and said something about Tony. Yep. I chimed in and I said, the conspiracy. Do you listen to Tony and Ryan? Safe to say we both lost time writing the SAC, but had no idea she was a fellow tarper. Now they're even better friends. Even better friends. How do you feel? Was that on their sack? Like an exam? Yeah.

How do you feel about the fact that you, Tony Lodge, are probably being referenced in year 12 academic papers? As the great Dr. Tony Lodge mentioned 2003 et al. Tony Ryan podcast. What's et al.? Just when you're referencing shit, it's always like 17 authors, so you just write et al. and it Tony Lodge. Mentioned 2003 Et al. Tony and Ryan podcast. What's Et al.?

Just when you're referencing shit, it's always like got 17 authors. You just write Et al. And it just means the rest of them. Oh. Et al. Like a kettle. Yeah. And so they'll be like, as the great rural economist, Tony Lodge.

Well, I am from the country now. Yes, I understand. It's a conspiracy. Oh, she's talented in many fields. Yeah, wow. She really spread herself across all areas. Okay, that's enough for today. Thanks, everyone.

Have a great day. Love you, bye. Bye. Meow. Disciple.