Toni and Ryan - Help I Sexted Toni and Ryan!

Episode Date: June 4, 2026

We were on "HELP I SEXTED MY BOSS" with William Hanson and Jordan North.This is that episode. "Worlds collide as visitors from the other side of the world grace the Sexted studio - it’s only Toni and Ryan! How will William and Jordan react to a pair of Australians clinking glasses? How will Toni and Ryan react to a pair of uptight Brits refusing to discuss money? And who will be sliding up against each other to reenact a classic scene from Titanic?" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I quite like pineapple. That is a poor person's fruit. We both got quite excited and made our way to the bedroom. With his hands down my trousers, I quickly had the horrible realisation that he had not washed his hands. Chili. Sudre crem.

Good for burns. You can't put that in your pussole. I certainly need a drink after listening to that. If you need to have a drink after that, by the end of this episode, we might need a wheel you out. Okay, but no, look. You're going to be dead. Hello and welcome to Help High Sex and My Boss with Tony and Ryan all the way from Australia.

Very special guests that we're going to get into very soon. What a crossover. This is a podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. What is Tony and Ryan all about please, guys, for our wonderful G&Divas? Well, we actually started as a demo for Tony to get a radio job. So I just said I would like pretend to be her co-host. Okay. So we could send the MP3 out and we just put the demo on TikTok.

People said, where's the podcast? We're like, should we make a podcast? So we did. Luckily, Tony hasn't got a radio job yet. And in terms of what's the show about, it's really just whatever you would do on your morning show. Yeah. And us trying to make Tony look good to maybe work with you one day. Yeah, I'd love a job.

So do you do your podcast every day then? We do. Yeah. So daily episodes. And we just talk shit pretty much. Day-to-day life, I feel like we talk about. Would you like to do this? We did, yes.

Back then, Jordan worked on, well, you weren't even working. You were on work experience for the BBC. And I was booked as a guest to talk about something upmarket. And Jordan was there to sort of chaperote me into the studio and he made me laugh. I made him laugh. And look at us now. That was beautiful. 14 years ago.

And the old people bringing us up. Isn't that lovely? Yes, exactly. But I don't think we could do this every day. I couldn't work on the radio. Could you? Yeah. How would you do it every day?

How long is each episode roughly? Like 30 to 40 minutes. Yeah. Once you've done a breakfast show like you have, like this is easy. Yeah. We pretend it's hard, but it's like, you know. But it's also fun because we love each other, etc. Yeah.

Also, I think that's the pin up story because everyone goes to do work experience and goes, what if I just met someone and it works out and it goes forever? And you guys are doing that, which is crazy. So everyone who now does work experience anyway. is expecting to find their William. Oh. Just like I found my Tony. You found your Tony.

Did you just two know each other before? No, how did you meet? We worked at the same station. Tony was the audio producer. I just got a job there and we just met. And what were your first impressions of each other? Well, I met Ryan and he was like, hey, going. And I was like, oh, I'm okay, but I've got a huge pimple on my pussy right now.

Yeah. Because we had to pile into the back of this small car. It was in the back of a Vox. Volkswagen Golf. Yeah. And I kind of... Why had you brought your cat to work? She comes everywhere.

And doesn't she? And we got into the back of this Volkswagen Golf and I moved my leg over and it popped. And I was like, you guys, oh my God. Because we... The pussy pimples popped. Yeah. In the back of the Volkswagen Golf. Oh, and I'm like, what?

And she goes, yeah. Yeah. It's over. It's like being in carry on home and away. It was after a breakfast show. Then we went to the pub to have a drink at like 1030. in the morning and we left at 11 p.m. Yeah.

Really late. Jugs and jugs of St. Greer. Well, talking of alcohol, because I certainly need a drink after listening to that. We are going to...

If you need to have a drink after that, by the end of this episode, we might need to wheel you out. Okay, fine. You're going to be dead. Aspiration. Have you ever tried a gin and debonnet? No, I haven't.

You've presumably tried gin. Yes. Have you tried Dubonet on its own? No, I don't know what Dubonet is. Okay, well, as you can see it, It's not vermuth. No, it's like a lighter port. Oh. Okay, it's a secret recipe. It was invented in the early 1900s by Joseph de Bonnet, who was a French chemist, to help sort of the French army get their quinine intake up. You are meant to drink it just on its own, but the late Queen Mother and indeed the late

queen mixed it with gin. And we have it with ice, sometimes a slice of lemon, and it's two parts to Bonnet to one part gin. I just do two and two. Is that all the ice we've got for our Ozzy guess? Yes, I don't quite know what happens. to the ice. It was good. It's a lot worse than it was like five minutes ago. I feel like it's really... No, I think it looks perfect.

Yeah. I don't like to come out. I love a Nogroni and I feel like this might be like a cousin of a Nogroni or something. It is similar. Yeah. Oh, so is this quite tart. It is. But not as tart as...

I think Nogron is asked, I can't do a Nogroni. Oh, me either. I don't like the Kampari. Oh, do you know. What's your favourite drink, then? I do really like a gin and tonic. Good. And I also am a slut for an espresso martini.

Yes. How about just a proper martini? Because I would say an espresso martini is not a martini. No, that's fair. I like a dirty martini with the olive brine. I knew you'd like it dirty. Thank you. Something about our conversation told me that.

And Ryan and I were talking about that on our show, on Tony and Ryan, recently. And I said, I like a dirty martini with the olive brine. He goes, oh, and sometimes don't they also put the juice of the olive in? I said, that's the brine. And he said, no, no, no, no, no. The juice from the jar. I said, yeah, that's what the brine is. So we all learn about Brian.

I love that other people got to learn it without 1.5 million people laughing at them on the internet though. Yeah, because I think it's pretty common knowledge. Well, shall we do a toast? We do a toast. I love a toast. I have a toast. I think we toast the Commonwealth. To the Commonwealth.

The Commonwealth. We're not allowed to clink. No clink. Oh, no clinky. Apparently. I'll clink you. Oh. Oh, I'll clink you.

Start the car. Good. He doesn't like clinkin. It's very, very common. It's because, yeah. Look at me. I'm clink and doll. No, no, no.

Now, let's go back to martinis because that's my... Oh, there is still a fresh. Do you like it? Yeah. It's got a kick, I'm it? It's a slow drink. It's very there. I guess you're like a giddy drunk as well.

It's very there. My favourite kind. That wouldn't be nice without the ice. Like, if that was warm, that would just be yucky turn. Sometimes they make us do it without the ice. Well, we're in show business. Are you okay? No, it's fine. It's really not very nice without the ice.

Try it when you, and if you're still here in London, I can point you in the right direction to restaurants and hotels that serve it. Not everyone does. But get them to put a slice of lemon or orange in it as well. Oh, orange would be nice. You like a blood orange, don't you? A blood orange in an agroni is like delicious. Gosh, you don't care, do you? Wild. Crazy boys. I thought I do care deeply about blood oranges, but now I feel. of the shame.

Don't feel shame. What do you think is your favourite fruit? Jordan North. Very good. He's quick. I took you right there as well. I quite like pineapple. That is a poor person's fruit.

Well, maybe an Australia, madam, but not in Britain. Oh, I thought you'd like a fancy fruit, like a cherry or not an apple. What's quite fancy? Pomegranate. Oh, fuck yeah. That's posh. We've just planted pomegranate trees in our backyard.

Oh my God. Really? That's very fancy. That's very good. Well, apparently they get thick so the neighbours can't see when we jump in the pool naked. Oh.

And bonus, there's pomegranates on it. Yeah. Okay. Did you know that every pomegranate has the same amount of seeds? Exactly the same amount of seeds. How many is that? I'm not.

She's got one good, I love Tony. What are you off of me? Come back on. When next time you come to London, come back. That was such a gentle touch. You just went to gesture at my hand, but a whisper of a touch. Yes, I try to touch her engagement ring.

Are you engaged? Because it doesn't matter how nice your jacket is. It's not worth more than that ring. No, no, no, no. That looks like a lovely ring. Thanks. It does. Yeah, what about the one on my hand?

Tell me, do you have H. Samuel in Australia? What's H. Samuel? It's a very upmarket jewellers. Oh. No, it's very cheap. I don't know. Do you want to know why Tony doesn't know about the jeweler in Australia? Right.

Because that's been handmade in Brooklyn, New York just for her. See, you were trying to read me like a little witch. How rich is your fiancé? Not anymore. You know why he's rich? Because he's about to be married to her. Oh, okay. Someone's got a very successful podcast.

Now, we're British. We don't talk about money. Oh, are you, are you the husband? No. I mean, I wish. No. No, we just finger. Oh yeah, we're fucking.

So do we together. Each other, beautiful. Yeah. He's the boss. So you've just had your, the reason why you're in London is you've had your hen do hair. Yeah. So I was the mate of honour and I threw the hens party for the bride to be.

With my 1,500 closest friends. Yeah. All about tarpets. And where was that at? At Troxy Theatre. Okay. Yeah, which is... Where's that?

Exactly. No, it's in the East End. Oh, I don't even know. But it's apparently the oldest theatre. But I feel like every theatre says where the oldest theatre. It's like the oldest pub. There are like 400 oldish pubs. Yeah, exactly.

But it looked like it had some really quirky, funky, looking old, like the interior was a real choice. They said when it was built, it was the biggest cinema in all of Europe. And all in the 1300s or 30s or fucking time. Or did they just say that to idiot tourists like us? And we go, oh, the history. And we just ate it on. Yeah, we love that shit.

But that's where all the premieres were and all the fancy ladies went there. Oh, okay. And is this your first time in London? I know. We were here two years ago because Tony wanted to see Taylor Swift. So we, for work purposes, did a meet and greet for our third birthday party two days before Taylor was here. Oh, what a coincidence. Did you not do, did you not tour Australia?

She did. I saw her in Melbourne as well. Oh, I see. What's your favourite Taylor Swift's song? Thank you for asking me and touching me family. Fersia? I love all too well 10 minute version. Yes.

You hate Taylor Swift Day. I don't really listen to her music. What would you listen to her morning? I know that one. Oh, nice. Yes. Well, what I listen to in the morning, obviously in capital breakfast. Of course.

Tony, I've met her in person. Yeah. Yeah. How was it? Was it beautiful? She was amazing. Oh, I bet. I just fell in love for even more.

I always appreciated her. But after meeting, I was like, she's got it. Because she walked in and she's like, no, this outfit won't do it with this screen and she went out and got changed and I was like I respect that. It's like, she weren't like divish or anything. She's like, but she's a professional. Yeah, she's like, her attention to detail. And I was like, I am here for it.

And she was so lovely. When was that? When was that? When the new album came out? Oh, like so recently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell us about. So you've seen the ring in real life.

Yes. Yeah. How did it compare to this one? It made Taylor's look like it's from the pound shop. Oh, I was say. Tell me about the faff of Taylor Swift coming. in as in like was there people coming in checking stuff security? No, it was totally chill.

And we actually not, she was totally chill. She had quite a big crew with her and stuff. Yeah. But it's Taylor Swift, but she was so chill. She was nice down to her. What a good bitch. She brought bread in for everybody. Oh, the sourdough.

Yeah, the sourdough. We should have brought sourdough. Yeah. She knows what she's there. What did you bring? I brought my winning personality. Yeah. We also brought our appetites because for those playing along at home,

the studio is next to a food market and holy shoot, I would be so fat if we were Don't eat anything on that market. He hates that food. Are you joking? We just ate so much. Right. When you leave here, it's going to be clearing up time and you'll walk down that street and you'll see it when they're getting rid of the slops. You will regret your life choice.

Do you think that we're going to get diarrhea? Yes. I'd write the rest of the weekend off. But you've got to try Kendall's brownies downstairs. Oh, yes. They're made in a... They are so good. Oh, my God.

Oh, so these... So, we are obsessed with ease. Who's Kendall? Do we know her? She's the girl downstairs. Is she the one? selling the cat food at the door? No, that was someone else.

Is that a chocolate orange? That's a chocolate orange one. That would be regular. Fuck me up. We don't really do a lot of chocolate orange in Australia. No, we don't. A real trade. You get stuck in.

Chocolate pomegranate. Have a bit. Well, what's the etiquette of just slamming chocolate into your face? It's fine. We're all friends. You've talked about the spot on your vagina. So, I mean, I think we. I did.

What's the etiquette of using the cocktail stirre as a spoon? Oh, yeah. Are you going to have? We could use it as a knife. You're a knife. That is very common. I am well, well, it's contagious. These are going to be the best brownies you've ever.

Oh, my Lanta. I just had a little corner of that. That is delicious. They are nice. Kendall does a very good roundy. Holy shit. Is Kendall single? That's fucked.

No, I don't think she is. No, I think she is. I don't think so. She's not. I'm going to prepare. A recent breakup. Sorry, you think she's not single? You just said she's hot and you just went, she's not.

Well, she's not my type. She is hot. What specifically is not her type for you? Well, she's a woman. So, yeah, I'm a shot, I'm gay. I hate that. What? No, that you're gay.

I hate women. Oh, I didn't know you were homophobic. You should have said. It's disgusting. What is it about the gays you hate? No, I love the gays. Who's your favorite gay? My favorite guy?

Oh my God. I love Trixie and Katia. What? What the fuck is that? Trixie and Cartier, the drag queens. Oh, no, don't do drug. Oh, my God, you're the worst gay. Okay, okay.

Madam, I can show you there are quite a lot of people who would disagree with that statement. Many, many people. Drag queens aside. Who's your favorite gay? Stanley Tucci's straight. Yes. That is a shame for all of us.

This is so. Who's a famous gay Aussie? Oh, Troy Savant. Oh, yeah. Have you watched his architectural digest? Yes. It's amazing. That's in our town.

Tea. Oh, yeah. Is he Aussie, Troisvavat? Yeah, he's from Perth. He's from Perth. He was from Perth. Is he? I'm from Perth.

Do you know him? No. What school did he go to? Perth, probably. Yeah, he was Perth like a YouTuber and then he moved to Melbourne when he was cool. Just like you. That's what people do in Perth. They get cool and they move to Melbourne.

Melbourne. You have many gays in Australia. We do. Yeah. It's a strong, beautiful population. Yeah, I'm one of the only breeders in my friendship group. I'm sorry? You're straight.

Oh, I see. Oh, okay. I've got friends that are breaches, but that's a different sort of breeding. What do they breed? I'll show you later. Arsoles. They breed assholes. I went to a very inclusive, arty, fun school.

So, like, my favourite gays in Australia are all my mates. All your friends, yeah. Oh, that's a lovely house. And my daughter, Mabel, has 57 uncles who are fabulous and want to take her out. How old Mabel? She just turned three, Mabel. Oh, that's a lovely. So you get a bit of personality at three, don't you?

You know, at one, they don't do a lot, do they? Lobby. Yeah, exactly. And Tony's the godmother. Oh. Yeah. Well, and because you're off to Italy next time. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Do that? Do you think I like that? Yeah. It'll go down very, very well. Good mother. Good mother.

I like, we joke, but like, is that, is that dangerous? They won't love that. The Italian is fine. Do you know any Italian that you could teach us maybe to take over with that? Arriva d'urci. There we go. That means goodbye. Chiao.

Grazie means thank you and then the waiter might say, prego. Pregor. To you. Go on then. Is it prego? What are you calling? No, no. Prego.

Maybe. After this. We're back. breeding. And what else is Italian? Oh, Dovre la toilette is where are the lavatories? That's good for me. Are you incontinent? He pieces like 50 times a day. Oh, you've got a bladder like an egg cup too, me too. I paste all over a lot. You've got a what? Bladder like an egg cup. What's an egg cup? You put your little boiled egg in? Yeah. Sorry, I feel like, spoiled egg. The flu was in the word.

I thought you said eck up. And I was like, what's a heck up? It's his accent. It's beautiful. Do you think you're listening? Do you think you're listening? listeners will understand him. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. We, in Australia, we love an accent because we don't hear our accent. We do.

So when we hear, okay. How would you describe our accent in just a... I'll just go fuck myself. Not a word, but a sound if you were to describe, like, your love or disdain for accent. In a sound, how would you describe it? In a sound? Yeah. Like, you know, smooth.

Like, if I would describe you and a sound, it'd be like, hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, you would be... Oh. I would say it's very... Yeah, because you sort of, you modulate, don't you? You sort of... You don't pick one particular pitch. You sort of go up and down.

We're forever on, yeah, exactly. So you're... I love that that's what you took from that. Yeah. But I don't... Just stick to one pitch, we'll take more. Yeah. I also don't really know what that means.

I'm a huge pitch. Yes. Out of you two, who would you say is more William and Jordan, so... Well, how would you describe both of us first for your... Fancy. Both of us. Fancy. Yeah.

I'd say fancy and fancier. Because you're both fancy. A well-to-do UK boy by default is like, you know, it's nice. It's real nice. Yeah. Fancy and fancier. Yeah. I've not been called fancy.

Look at those pants. Those pants are beautiful. And the way you wear him is stunning. Can I adjust? Maybe fancy and rich. Oh. He's laughing that. Wow.

Didn't everyone's eyes are in the room just dart anywhere else but up here? We don't talk money. No, we're British. remember. Oh, you don't talk money. Very British. But looking rich isn't talking money. Oh, fair.

You can look, like, you can look rich without being rich. Not honestly, this is just ASOS. Yeah, I didn't ask. I'm sorry, and this is just marked suspicest, so it's all like, yeah, I didn't. It's not like it's fancy. Can I teach you guys something about the benefits of discussing money openly? Go on. Because it's not kosher here apparently.

No. No. Tony was doing the same job as a man in Melbourne, and she said, hey, what do you earn? And it turns out it was a lot more than Tony. And Tony wouldn't have had a voice of wing. Yeah. Yeah.

And so Tony would never have known that if not. So you've got to advocate for each other. And that's the benefit of like, it's a bit awkward at first. But if you go, hey, we're just colluding and sharing info so we can all get out. Well, that's when it's perhaps okay. Yeah. We have American friends who are just like, how much are you earning a year now? And I'm like, I don't know how much money you earn?

I don't know much money. I don't know much money. Like we just don't. That would be, yeah, that would give me the. I work in the studio. Capital. Like everyone here is so British this, by the minute. Everyone in the studio at Capital, I have no idea how much more than it. We just don't, you never talk about it. I think, yeah, it's, it does feel weird, especially for talent. Yeah, talent. Everyone else knows. We use that term

very loosely. Oh, it's not about being talented. It's about the talent. Yeah, talent. The talent's in the room everyone behave. Now, you said to me when we were, sort of, you arrived, you mentioned on your podcast a lot, Titanic. Yeah, but we do prefer that you use its Christian name. The RMS Titanic. Yes, indeed. And are you talking about the actual ship or the film or both? Both, mainly the film. It's based on a true story.

Yes. I'm aware of that. We're in Ireland. I know where Williams' going on this because there's a play. They know. Yeah, I've heard. When I saw the name, I knew you were doing a play, but I didn't realize it was a musical actually.

My apologies. So you didn't strike me as like a silly boy. And isn't Titanic a little bit silly? Titanic. Titanique. That's where you can go up at the end of a sentence. That's a good example. When you say silly, you know how it ends, eh?

No, but it's like a silly show. Yes, it's a send-up off the film. Not of the disaster, we should just point out. Are you the one doing the hand when you're getting railed on the glass? Is that you're going to be your move or? We have to come and watch it and find out. We do recreate that scene, yes. Do you? How do you recreate it?

You have to come and watch it and find out. Are you the one? Oh, it's already on. Oh, it's already on. So we can come see it yet. When are you in it? I'm in it from the 9th of June. And only a match of days.

Can you answer Tony's question? Yeah, are you the one fucking or getting fucked? My character is not in the garage. Oh. Yes, I'm... Sorry. I'm elsewhere. Were you one of the...

Were you getting drawn naked, laying like a beautiful French? No, that's my daughter. So I play Ruth. I play Kate Winslet's mother. Hang on. Oh my God, that's wonderful. That's not... No, that's not Kathy Bates.

Are you my Kathy Bates? No, that's my Kathy Bates. No, that's my Kathy Bates. I love Kathy Bates. I fucking love Kathy Bates. No way. I have the same birthday. Oh, my God.

She's really, she's so good. You should play Molly Browns. Totally agree. I was the role I was born to play. Yes. Yeah. I think my son's about your SARS. Yes.

Oh, shit. Thanks everyone. That is so good. That is amazing. Yeah, I also love that I got off of the role and then you jumped in. Well, you didn't know the line. No, you're so much better around it than me. So now I'll just.

What's your favorite bit in Titanic? Oh, I love the part when he goes, when he's standing at the top of the stars and then it turns around and he goes, you want to go to a real part of it. We have that line at all? Stand back! And I'll shoot you all like dogs. Yeah. Oh, it's crazy that she was about to fall,

but she had the time to take off your pants and coach, isn't it? Oh, your God. Thank you so much. I actually do need to re-watch the film before I start the show. It's wonderful. Every time I have seen it. I watched it in full parts on an elliptical at the gym. Yeah.

The first time I watched Titanic. We had it on, when I was in college, we had it on repeat from Friday afternoon to Sunday night and just across the weekend, you kind of come in and out of it. it all in the end. Yes. Every time I play cards, which is never, but, you know, the first scene where they like, and he's like, I'm going to tell America.

So every time we're... Full house, boys. Yeah. I love that bit. Woo! When's it leaving? It's leaving right now. Tartagnol leaves in five minutes.

Oh my God, this is literally like I'm doing the show right now. So much of the show is now making sense. Yeah, because you're surrounded by poor people. Yes. Come around the back near the propellers and do me up the arse. That's a great bit. Okay. Oh, sorry.

That's a great bit. Hey, could we? Yeah. Could you what? This is what I propose. Okay. I'm going to get up. I'm going to walk around behind you.

Yes. I'm going to hold you. Okay. And then you're going to look into the camera and you're going to pronounce I'm the king of the world. How do you feel about that? So, am I Kate Winsman's? So hang on. No, he yells.

He says that. Yeah. He says that with his friend, who he gets on the boat with. Oh, you can do that. Anyway, you are wearing linen. So if you get a semi, it's going to show. I'm just going to say that. Ryan, you as well.

This is amazing. Okay. And what do I say? Tony, you do the song. I feel like I'm flying, Jack. Every night in my dreams, I see you. He smells so nice. I feel you.

That is how I know you. That is how I know you. Go on Neefar Where at my Go Are you pulling out now Darling

Thank you so much Thank you That was amazing And suddenly I'm not feeling as bad About my singing in the show That was amazing Take that back Take that back

That was so good Right well crashing on In our podcast We normally share advice People write in with dilemmas And we give our Sometimes G and Divas.

Contrasting advice. I like G and Divas. You have your time. Oh, so you drink this every day. Literally. Yeah. Yeah. Every episode.

I thought we were special. Yeah. I thought it was all. No, sorry. No, that's the ice. The ice bit was the special bit just for you. You do normal little NAR, I believe. Tell us how that works.

Well, it's quite self-explanatory. We, um, a Tapa, a Tony Ryan podcast listener, will ride in and they'll say, I do this thing in my house? Do you reckon that's normal or do you reckon that's nah? And we weigh in and then people share their thoughts too. Oh, Naomi, Atapa Naomi had a question for you guys. Okay. Well, tell you what, let's go to some messages. And when we come back, we'll do some dilemmas and some normal or noes.

Nah. Normal. Normal or nah. Okay. And you have to pronounce nah. Nah. Also, isn't that cute how rich people say ads are messages? Messages.

That's nice. Here's some lines from our sponsors. You could do a joke and then tell us the punchline after. We usually do a jolly joke of the week as well. Give us a proper rude Ozzy joke. Yeah, you do the feed line. Then we go, we'll tell you the punchline after the break. Okay.

Messages. All right. And then we do the whole thing. What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? We'll find out after the break. All right, Jean Divas and Tar Purs. Am I saying that? Yes.

Yes. Thanks for sticking with us. It's a special episode of Help Ice Sex and My Boss with the hugely successful Australian podcast, Tony and Ryan. Tony and Ryan are still with us. Thank you. And now it's time for Tony's Jolly Joke of the Week. What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I don't know.

I don't want you to peanut butter your dick in my ass. There you go. I'd be all right. If it weren't for the snakes and spiders, I'd be all right in Australia. Yes, I think you would. My dad works at the Australian Embassy. You'd be like the Prince of Wales over there. And they dropped the C word all the time.

He didn't realize it's a term of endowment. Yeah. It is. Oh, Graham, you're a funny. Yeah. See, we're not even allowed to say it here. Like, when we leave today, because you guys have been so nice and welcoming, I'll say to Tony, oh, good. Ah, yeah.

You can say it. You can say it. That's the highest, like, honour. Yeah. But if we kind of went, whew, your mate, that's not good. Okay. Oh, yeah. Your mate.

Okay, nice. Well, before we get onto the dilemmas, do you want to give us some normal or noz? Yes. Well, we've got a lot of crossover in fans. We do. A specific one from. Oh, great. Although she's given a fake name because she's sort of emitting to something that she knows.

Oh, okay. So this is from Tapa, Shimoni. Shammone. Shammone. Shammone. That's what I did. Shammone. Serving bad snacks for guests.

We have good chips and good candy, but I'm not wasting them on guests. So when someone comes around, I go, no, no, don't get stuff out of the cupboard over there. Get it from this drawer. And the guests believe it's similar to like getting out the first. find China. Or like a nice towel for the guests. Yeah, they go, oh, we've got the fancy one. No. It's the shit one. No. No, I'd say that's nah. I'd say that's a nah. Yeah. Don't have guests round then if you don't want to go to any effort. Yeah, that's the British in us. We disagree a lot, but I think if you've got, you get the good stuff out.

Or just have the good stuff for both you and the guests. Don't buy the rubbish. Oh, that's another way of looking, is it? That's actually probably a great solution. Yeah. Tony, what about you? I would say nah, but only because when people come over, I wouldn't probably have snacks in the house. Because if I'm doing a big cheese board or something, I go, I get to enjoy that as well. Do you know what picky vets are? Yeah. Yeah, we, yeah, we love picky bits.

Yeah, we, or if we went to a restaurant and go, oh, should we get maintenance or should we do this? Should we do this? Yeah. That's your personal question. Oh, my God, I've been begging. What temperature do you wash your underwear on? It's a big issue for us.

Oh. It's the one thing. And do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit in Australia? We use Celsius. It's the one thing we fall out on. So I wash mine on 30. What do you have? your knickers on.

I just put them in the, well, actually, my partner does all the washing, but I don't think I've ever selected the temperature on a washing machine. You are probably riddled with bacteria. He thinks that underwear should be washed on 60. At 60. It's a big thing we fall out of. Don't they all shrink? Yeah.

And just destroy the fabric? Can I ask you another personal question? Please. Do you piss in the shower? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, anyone who says they don't is a liar.

Genuinely. I had one of the biggest arguments at that point with. my husband, now husband, over that. Because he does piss in the shower. No, he didn't, well, he has done it, but not whilst we were together, but he said it wasn't a problem. And I I... I mean, it gets washed away, isn't it?

No. Has he pissed in the shower with your, but when you're both in it? We don't, we don't, we've been married 10 years. We don't, sorry, we've been together. Do you guys have like little sword fights in the shower? We don't, we've been together 10 years. Like when your streams cross. And I was like, oh, got you. I used to like my brothers. Yeah, like little

light sabers. Yeah. And then your dad had just come over and piss over you. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it nice? They know their parents. That's a real nice thing for them.

The answer to your question is, isn't it? Oh, sorry. Would you like to do another normal or no? Yes. Well, if you don't like that, you're not going to like this. Normal or not,

pissing on each other. Have we pissed on each other? Nah. We've gotten close though, I reckon. We've probably both pissed in the pool while we've been in there together. That's so true. Have you seen each other naked?

We have seen 98% of each other's bodies. Yeah. I've noticed him naked, but I've seen him in these boxes. How was that? Honestly, is a number of... Made in the man he was his today. Was he his body wider than his faces? You ruined him for all other men. He has got the, a big old mahogany cuck. I've never seen it, but you know when you can just tell someone's packing? You pack and hate. You got a slayer in there. Honestly, Tony. Show me that duberna. Ryan, it's like, wow. Yeah. He's like, now, I felt the aura of it. It does give big dick energy.

Does he give big dick energy? Yeah. Right. Thank you. Are you dilating? I don't think you know what that is. I think that's where it does. It's just the best cross-all-runner-all-ever.

It's that, isn't it? Yeah, but that's probably not what would happen if I was aroused. Oh, right. What would happen? I feel like your cleat would get engorged and you'd get like the pussy, like, you'd get like, you know, the pussy tingles, which is nice. Okay. Do you want some water?

I'm okay. If you want to know how well Tony and I know each other, to conceive our daughter, Maple, we Not our daughter, Ryan and his wife. My wife, after years of trying, we went to do IVF. And during COVID, we weren't allowed to go into the hospital. So I had to provide a sample at home. Of come. Thank you.

I was just going to say sample. And then you've got. 40 minutes to, because you have to still be warm, and you've got 40 minutes to get it to the hospital and drop it off from when you've produced it. So I was going to drop it off at 8 o'clock and Tony messages at 750 going, what are you doing? You're thinking of me? Hope it's going. Oh, it's amazing.

So you knew he was up and away. Yeah. And she goes, hey, what are you up to? I'm like, you're fucking know what I'm up to? Yeah. How about you just leave me alone for a little bit. Oh, wow. It went faster after our text.

Yeah. Are you thinking of me? I was like, I'm struggling. Can you say something? nice enough of that. And then I didn't have a car at the time, so I had to get an Uber with my semen in my jacket and take it into the hospital. And Tony was a part of that journey with me. Modern medicine. That's lovely. It's a modern. It's a modern. Love story. It was another numeral or no. What, a normal? Normal or no. Normal or no. So because we're

traveling at the moment, you know, we're out of a bag, keeping things light, I forgot to bring a shaver. And so because I was getting pretty much naked at our live show the other night, I asked, I kind of looked at myself and was like, oh, shit. And I asked Charles, who works with us, can I borrow your shaver? To do. Why were you needing to tidy up? I wasn't wearing. Can I show you what I was wearing?

Yeah. It's quite a, quite a small, budgie smuggler. Okay. Do you guys have budgie smugglers? Yeah, we do. I don't wear them. You do. I don't wear speedos.

You have to love it. You'd wear a speaker. That's me coming down to the. Oh, wow. Yeah. You'd wear a speaker. Oh, look you zoomed in. You look great.

No, we're trying. Wow. It's for fancy hot gays. Well, that's very sweet of you, but I love that staircase. That's a troxy theatre. That's the troxy theatre. You look very handsome. Thank you.

But as you now know, I was like, Yeah. Okay. So you used your meat's razor to show. Well, I just said, could I borrow it? And Tony nearly died because she's like, I think that's a no. That's enough for me too. But I want to pose this question to you because we've been talking about it.

What is worse? Borrowing a friend's shaver or borrowing a friend's toothbrush? And so when the toothbrush. And then you have to take it back after. You have to use that. If you had to choose one or the other. I reckon toothbrush is what I would rather give. Would you share your toothbrush with your respective partners?

Fuck yeah. No problem. But a shaver, no way. All the microcuts in the skin and stuff, that sounds like a problem for me. And I am fucked. Yeah, she's done some fucked. But like, I think that's crazy. Wow.

Okay. Would you like a dilemma? Sure. This is from anonymous, so again, they've chosen to stay anonymous like one of yours. Hi, William Jordan and the sexist team, and Tony and Ryan, hope you are all well. I love listening to the podcast on my walks to work. I was catching up on recent episodes, and I heard you discussing the name of William's new gardener. One of my friends started dating a gardener, and this quickly led him to earning the nickname Bush-Trimming Bill.

As you can probably imagine, she wasn't the biggest fan of this. Anyways, onto my dilemma. It was completely irrelevant. My husband of five years loves to cook me gorgeous dinners, and he's always experimenting with new cuisine. One evening, he made me this gorgeous green tie curry, and it was absolutely delicious. Now, following a romantic dinner,

we both got quite excited and made our way to the bedroom. With his hands down my trousers, I quickly had the horrible realization that he had not washed his hands. Chili. With my vagina burning from the copious amounts of chili and ginger, he'd cut up, I quickly excuse myself and ran to the bathroom to rinse off what I could. Please do let me know what the correct etiquette is for when your partner causes your vagina to burn horribly as a result of cutting up aromatics. Love the podcasts and I wish you all the best.

Sudea crem. It's good for burns. You can't put that in your pussol. Do you have suitorpe in Australia? Yeah. And vaginas and yeah. And ginger. Yeah. Yeah, we have that. Do you? Yeah. So what would you do? I feel that. I feel that. I feel that. I feel that. I feel that. I feel that this has happened to you. It actually hasn't, but I don't think I would excuse myself and not tell. So my partner, Torbs, I'd be like, oh my God, did you wash your hands? And he'd be like, fuck, no, I didn't. I don't think I would need to excuse myself at all.

Like, he would, I would tell him. He would be abreast of the situation. He's a breast of most things that I do. Okay, good. There's very little left to the imagination. He, in the best way. Well, I don't think it's the best way. He arguably is.

It's the best way for us. Yeah. Too knowledgeable and too in there. Has it happened to you? and then your wife, anyone you've previously dated. You've fingered a lot of girls. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? How old do you think I am?

31, 32. Yep, that's correct. Oh, actually. He's about to turn 39. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because we talked about this. There is a demise of fingering across the world at the moment.

It's such a shame. Honestly, I've talked about this recently. We'd gone nights out and people just got fingered left right. Finger blasted. It was like on a dance floor in a nightclub. I was about to say, On a dance floor, a good old finger. Yeah.

Oh, my mate just be like, you say, I've just fingered that girl over there. And then we'd get a bit. What do you think the fingered to fucking ratio was back in our day? I think you had to do a bit. I'd say 10 to 1. Yeah, defo. There's a comedian here call. Yeah.

Mickey Flanagan who says, like, you finger him and tit him up for a bit. But yeah, you do look like a man that's fingered a lot of girls. That is a huge compliment. That is a compliment. That is a compliment. Have you fingered any girls? William? No.

He's a golden, what you call that? Gold Star guy. Yeah, Gold Star. What I think the equivalent might be is applying deep heat to a sore part of the body and then going to take a piss and using your hands to pee. And then realizing, oh, I've just used Deep Pete. Yeah. And now my penis is on fire.

The crew are all laughing. I'm guessing it's happened to a lot of people. Yeah. Because most people that have, you know, been athletes have applied the DP. That's why I looked at Will. I was like, he's probably played a lot of sport back in the day. Oh, bless you. I'm so, so sporty.

Another one, this is from Paul. Hi Paul? A few years ago, we popped into Bath. That's a nice sort of place in the South West. Oh, not like the Bath. No, Bath, it's a city. I like a Bath, mate. Think Jane or...

Oh, Bridgeton, a lot of Bridgeton's in Barth. I've never seen Bridgeton. No, I wouldn't bother, but it's all filmed there. Regency. Oh. That sort of thing. For a spot of shopping with me, the wife and the kids. We found a space in our preferred car park,

and proceeded to wander off into the throngs of Bath City Centre. As we walked up the stairs, I noticed what I thought was a pink and grey baby's rattle or toy presumably dropped by some poor little kiddie. Being an upstanding citizen, I picked it up with the intention of leaving it on the wall besides the stairs so that upon returning to the car park, the parents of the now obviously distraught child would spot the toy and be joyfully reunited with it. My good deed done for the day. However, once I had the toy in my hand, I noticed a button on the end.

At this point, I realised somewhat naively that this was not a child's toy as expected, but in fact a set of vibrating anal beads. This is where I did what any normal husband and father would do and proceeded to chase my wife and two daughters around the car park, waving the discarded anal beads and shouting at them, sniff my fingers. Brilliant. It's not normally what goes on in Bath. I, of course, found this absolutely hilarious, the rest of the family, not so much, with cries of what is wrong with you, you are disgusting. being aimed at me for the remainder of the day. After a few minutes of terrorising the family, I did eventually leave the beads on the wall, as originally intended, although this time expecting them to be retrieved by their rightful adult owner rather than child. The beads were

missing when we returned to the car park later that afternoon, so I can only presume they were safely inserted back where they belong. Needless to say, I did have to find somewhere to wash my hands very quickly after this incident. I'm not a total animal, but I do still enjoy recounting the story whenever the topic of anal beads is mentioned. often. Yes. So my question is this, what is the correct etiquette when picking random items off the floor with good intentions only to discover they are something very different from what you expected? Cheers, Paul. You do, that's another thing. You don't, you used to find dildos and stuff all the time. I don't know if you did.

Porn mags and snash. You did. You did. You always found a stash of porn mags and like rubber dildos. It was mainly in your father's bed. No, it was. That was in the shed. No, no, don't, don't. I once said I found my dad's porn mags in the shed. I had to do an official apology. My mom went fucking mad. I bet. She went mad. She went proper.

That's all good. Yeah, they weren't my dad's. Has your mom spoken to you since? No, we speak all the time. But they weren't my dads. They were in the shed before we lived there. Oh, someone left them there. Gotcha.

Before we moved in 30 years ago. Now, let me come back to that and take a bit. What would you say is your favorite type of comedy if you were to categorize it? Oh, I, I'm comedy. Like, I like quite really. We like all the sort of the. Very dark. 7 to 8 is 90s, 6.

I think the category of smell my finger and pull my finger highly underrated. Yeah, right up your alley. What sort of degree would you call that? That is the category. Yeah, right. And when the dad's running around with the Able Beads saying, please smell my fingers.

Smell my finger? That's good stuff. Officer Dufus, yeah. Do you see. Smell my finger? Aft scary movie. Right. Officer Dufi.

I've never heard Officer Dufi in a British accent before. You want to smell my finger? That's good stuff. He uses the... I've never seen the... I've never seen the scary movie. Did you watch Freddy Got Fingered? Yes.

These are like a cop... Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausages? Yes. Have you ever seen Mary Poppins? I have. Yes, it's a fantastic film.

I've been in Mary Poppins before. It's my wet dream. Watch. Thank you. Where did you meet her? That's amazing. You've been in Mary Poppins. Yeah, in a ballet.

In a ballet? Who were you? I was Mary Poppins. You were Mary Poppins? How old are you telling everything about this? I was probably 15 or 16. Yes. Yeah, and I was doing ballet R-A-D for anybody that's interested in what type of ballet was.

Is that the Royal Australian? Royal Academy of Dance. Oh, Royal Academy of Dance. Thank you. Yeah, and I played Mary Poppins. Wow. So when you said, have you seen something beautiful? Yes, I have.

Thank you. That's very nice. I'm very jealous of you. Are there photos? Oh, no, I don't think so. That was back in the day. Do you guys know of here the Australian Children's Choir? There used to be these famous ads for Qantas, the airline,

where the Australian Children's Choir got sent to New York and London Bridge into the Outback and they made these big, beautiful ads and they sung, I still call Australia home. Have you ever seen these? No. It's really famous. So Tony wanted to audition for that to be a part of this beautiful thing that happens every year. And her mum lied to her and said they don't let Perth girls in.

They were like, oh, I think it's only on the East Coast they do it. And I was like, well, I'm in W.A. Like, I won't be able to do. Oh. So she had to play Mary Poppins instead. And it turns out. Well, I think that's an upgrade. What?

I really take that as a compliment. But wow, the Qantas girl is. The still-call Australia home is iconic. Yeah. We recreated the ad and I sang it all around Australia. Oh, you had your moment. Well, she re-odditioned at age 30 for the Australian children's choir. And it was a great audition.

And the lady's like, the max from age is 14. And so he was like, okay. Do you know what we're really doing? You guys are so great. This has been so lovely. Oh, we're getting wrapped up. He's wrapping us up. He is.

I wasn't, but that was a very part. There's nothing left on the scripts. He does this at parties, so dinner parties, because he's not a, he drinks now when I first met him don't drink. So he will all be like getting on it and I'll be like, where's your vodka? Which you never has in. And then you'll say something like, can I get you anything else? Oh, my new favourite one. You must come again when you've got less time.

Or I'll say Oh, I'm actually going to need to process that a little bit That is Amazing I'm not directing that at you I'm just saying that's my favourite one That's okay For me he always says

We got much on tomorrow I'm like oh you want me to It's the tomorrow That's yeah Oh so what's the plan for the rest of your week That's oh see ya Exactly But I think it's better that

Than to go fuck off Personally Would you agree I would never do that I would just be like Stay as long as you want Such a people please are. Tony would sit here for 16 hours.

Just because I wouldn't want to say like, please leave my fucking house. Yeah, she would just, yeah. But thanks for having us though. It has been. We better go. It's great. Have you ever had a snake in your house, by the way? Because that's why the one biggest thing is going to Australia.

She's engaged. Yeah. Tony had a snake in her shower like a few weeks. Oh my God. This is what freaks me out. I'm so scared. Well, we're never coming to Australia now. I've been in a coffin full of them.

I'm still scared. Oh, no. Did you do I'm a celebrity? Yes, I did I'm a celebrity over here. In Wales. I think Tony said that to be a dick, but it was true. Yeah, it was true. Well, when else would that come up?

Yeah. So true. Yeah. I just, the fore of coming home and knowing a snake could be on the other. Yeah, I had to call the snake catcher. Yeah. Is that a thing? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Tony found one on Instagram and he's got this great. The snake catcher. Yeah. Not the snake. And wasn't he just like the... He was so chill.

He was wonderful, but he was a lizard. Oh. Then I said, well, can you come get the lizard please? And he said, no, she'd be right. Just hang up. She'll leave in our own time. So it's still there. How big was the lizard?

About this big. That's quite, that's about sort of five inches, would you say? A snake. Have you had one in your house? Is that just a normal thing? Oh, I'm going to snake. We've had literally kangaroos in our backyard because we've moved out of town. How about crocodiles and allocators?

Not in my backyard, but crocodiles. Yeah. Tony, Ryan, thank you so much. Thank you. We've just done a collaboration with Jonathan Fern Smith. are who's... Rubbish. Yeah, and that was shite compared to us.

Yeah, rubbish. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday. Look forward to playing him this. And you play him that and 24 hours before you ran out of some global play. If you want to get in touch about something there isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our end, send us an email, help at sex with my boss.com. We also, this is really weird doing this for these two looking at us. What am I doing this?

I'm staring at you. We also love you. You ignore us, but we'll just chat amongst ourselves. We also love hearing back from the people we offered back to. That's very nice. Actually, get back in touch. Daddy, would you like some sausage? Goodbye!

Goodbye! Would you like some sausages? Thank you.