Toni and Ryan - Hookup Helpers

Episode Date: April 27, 2022

My new favourite segment, and Ryan watches Rick and Morty. Love ya!! T xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hello, Fernanda? Oh, my gosh, this is she. Oh, hello. She finally decides to answer the phone. It's Tony and Brian. You're like in fucking witness protection. You're so hard to get a hold of.

I'm sorry. I totally dismissed that. What did you guys say? Oh, no, it's okay. Fernanda, do you mind approving the podcast? Oh, yes. Yes, absolutely. Yay!

Yay! Hey, it's Fernanda from Phoenix, Arizona, and I approve this podcast. Coming up in an episode today. You're fucked off. Oh, yeah, I forgot I was fucked off. Thanks for reminding me. You said yesterday that you had a cross to bear. Wait, no. What's it say?

Cross to bear. No, cross to bear is like something you live through. You're telling the story, mate. Yeah. Sorry, we hate it when people are like, hey, what's that thing? I was actually going to say coming up in this episode, something really exciting. Oh, what?

Well, you'll have to hang around. But you. Fucking TSL, right? Are going to be coming with me. Oh, my God. Can I use my luggage? Probably. Actually, yes,. Can I use my luggage? Probably. Actually, yes, definitely bring your luggage.

Yay! We're going on an adventure this weekend, you and I, because a tarpa has given us a tip-off. Tapa tip-off. Tapa tip-off. Oh, my God. Could that be a segment? Tapa tip-off.

Tapa tip-off. Next week, tapa tip-off. Okay. If you've got a tip-off, put it in the episode thread in our Facebook group. And because it's so exciting what we're doing, other tarpas have messaged me saying, can I stay with you and Tony because I want to get involved in got a tip-off, put it in the episode thread in our Facebook group. And because it's so exciting what we're doing, other tarpers have messaged me saying, can I stay with you and Tony because I want to get involved in the tarper tip-off. Well, they can't, but that's lovely.

Thanks. Great offer. No. My bath is filled with laundry. There's no room. All right, that's coming up soon. Okay. Did you hear my stomach then?

Yeah. I wonder if anyone else heard that. Oh, my God. I'll cut it out if it wasn't in there. If you missed my stomach, this is what the sound was. And my stomach actually moonlights as E.T. in stage shows. I was about to say I sounded like an alien a little bit. Yeah, that was pretty good from you.

The audio queen's back. Yeah. Bonus. Okay, so was pretty good from you. The audio queen's back. Yeah. Wow. Bonus. Okay, so I found this great tweet. It is by Katie. Her at is at K-P-F-E-F-F-S-S. Kapufs. Kapufs.

Kapufs. Kapufs. Tap a tip off. Kapufs. The tweet is, my roomie bought a boy home at 3am and the first thing, so you're thinking, you know, you know where this is going, and the first thing she did was make him fix our broken garage door and our blown fuse. She's a true innovation queen.

Well done. Did they still, like, was that like a bit of extra or was that the sole purpose? Your tummy just made the same noise again. Do you want my croissant? I haven't eaten it. I'll have a bite later. Okay.

So what I'm thinking is the first thing she did is what Katie has said. So I'm guessing that she got her to fix the garage door and then got her to fix her bloody garage door. After you fix the garage door, can you pummel my back door? Yeah. I love that. Which is, I think it's smart. But is it smart because he was coming over anyway

or did she know what she was doing and was like, oh, look, if I have to let old mate throw one in, I will because that garage door ain't getting fixed without it. Because it's an absolute pain in the arse. We're uni students. We can't afford to get it fixed. You meet him at a bar. Oh, what do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm a handyman. I work with garage doors. Really? Why? Well, I'll tell you something for free. Yeah. That's a good point. They're nice jeans.

They'd look great on my bedroom floor. Yeah. So there's no attraction needed, you know, I think, if you can help out. Yeah. And I'll do, you know, tit for tat, if you know what I'm saying. Titties for tatties. That's, well, I mean, I would never be used in that situation

because I'm not handy at anything. You wouldn't be used, but have you ever? So this is a girl saying, oh, I kind of use this guy. You've never been used, but have you ever used? One time. Here we go. The little black book of Ryan John back in the day. Ten years ago.

Yeah. Actually more than that. How long have you been together with Bridget? Seven years. Like that's a long fucking time. That's like a lifetime ago. It is a lifetime ago. I reckon when I was like 20, 21.

That's not that long ago. I'm 34, mate. 20, 21. That was. When I was 20 years old or 21. I'm 34, mate. 2021. That was. When I was 20 years old or 21. Oh, I thought you said. Like aged around 20 or 21. I thought you said, yeah.

So in 2021. I was with this girl last year. Yeah. You got married in 2020. We've been together for seven years. But anyway, in 2021. When I was 20 years. I was flying horse.

Oh, my God. When I was aged 20 or 21. 21, I'd played this volleyball tournament interstate and I was rooming with this guy called Dave. The fucking volleyball stories. Lovely guy. But anyway, I became friends with Dave because we were rooming for a week. You get to know someone pretty quick when you're rooming. You'd hope so, yeah.

So we get back to Melbourne and he's like, oh, some of my mates are having a party. You want to come and hang out with my boys? I was like, great. Sick. Sounds fantastic. Yeah. Let's do it.

So we get there. Within 25 seconds of us arriving. This is a dress-up party, by the way, so I'm dressed as a slutty pirate because I know my strengths. Because it's 2021. It's 2021. What else are you going to dress up? So within 25 seconds of us arriving, he goes, oh,

my girlfriend is so drunk I'm going to have to take her home. 25 seconds? Well, because she'd already been there for a few hours. No, because she was already there and she'd been there for a few hours before we got there. Yeah. So she was hammered. And so we get there and he's like, oh, mate, she's so drunk,

I'm going to have to take her home. You have a great night, though. Was it like were there other people at the party that you... No. So it wasn't like other volleyball people or something? I only knew Dave. Dave. Dave Kelly for those playing long at home. I always, whenever you say Dave, I'm like, was it Dave Warnicke or Dave

Parsons? No, another Dave. It's another Dave. Dave Kelly, the vet. So were there other... His girlfriend's a doctor. Very smart. Not that you would have known on this night when he dressed up as also a slutty pirate and took home because she couldn't even stand and she was a mermaid. So he goes, and so I'm at this house party and I don't know anyone.

I don't really know where I am. Oh, so you're like out of the city. Yeah, and this is like pre-Uber days. We're not in the city. And your phone would have been flat fucking anyway. Yeah, and this is like pre-Uber days. We're not in the city. And your phone would have been flat fucking anyway. Yeah, and I was dressed as a slutty pirate. So I was like, oh, I could just go back into town and catch up with some mates.

I'm like, I can't just wander into town dressed as a slutty pirate. And so I decided I'm going to pretend, not pretend, but like I'm going to work the bar because there was like a big, like a punch bowl. Yeah. Because I don't know anyone. I'll just hang out near the punch bowl. So when someone comes over, like, oh, g'day, mate,

can I get you a punch? There you go, son. How you going? What's your name? My name's Ryan. Because I was like, what else am I going to do? That's so smart. Because people come and go.

It's a good way to meet everyone. Yeah. That's a really smart idea. If you're at a party, God, tap a tip off. That's good. That is good. I really like that. Because when you're at a party and you don't know, or you know one person and they're off with their boyfriend

or girlfriend or something and you're just like, fuck, like I came with a mate and they've fucked off or they're getting their end wet fucking somewhere else and you're just like, shit, what am I going to do? I haven't heard someone say end wet in a long time. Is that rank? It's really gross. I haven't heard someone say rank in a long time time. Is that rank? It's really gross. I haven't heard someone say rank in a long time either.

You've taken me right back to 2021. It's because you've been watching old school Gogglebox. You're using all these old references. So this one girl comes up to the, like, hey, can I get you. Oh, that's not the story. No, it's helpful hookups, man. So she comes over and I'm like, hey, can I get you a punch? I'm like, you know, how's your night, blah, blah, blah.

And she goes, oh, I only know old mate because she was a doctor and it turns out they were all doctors and they all knew each other at medical school. And she's like, I only knew old mate and he's getting his end, whatever. And so I'm actually about to head off soon. I'll just have one drink because I'm driving. And I live out sort of this way and I'm like, well, that's sort of where I live, kind of that direction.

So you're like, do you mind dropping me off at home on your way? If you're being DD, do you mind driving me home and like dropping me off on your way home? Yeah. And so she lived a lot further. No, sorry, I lived a lot further than her, but it was the right direction. Oh.

Right? So you were just like, please drive me home. And I said, oh, I'm from out that way. I'm, yeah, probably going to head off soon as well. Yeah. You know, oh, we're heading the same direction. She goes, oh, you want to come with me? Drop you off or?

She just said, do you want to come with me? And I went, oh, I mean, and I said, oh, I came with Dave. His girlfriend was drunk. He's done the right thing. He's taken care of it. Like I had no hard feelings. Oh, yeah, no way. And you're dressed.

You're ready to go. And I said, I'm dressed like a slutty pirate. And she just laughed. She goes, yeah, mate, just come with me. And she, because I asked her about it later, she didn't even click that we lived in the same direction. She just heard, I'll come with you. And so she just thought that like, it was, we were hooking up and I was like, oh, she's

actually looking for a lift home. Yeah. I was hoping you'd drop me off. So we get to her place and I'm like, oh, I'm halfway. You're like, this isn't where I live. And then we get into her place and, and I was like, oh, I'm halfway. You're like, this isn't where I live. And then we get into her place and I was like, oh, I've got no other place to stay. She's not a hotel.

Hotel. Tony. Sorry. She was a doctor. Is a doctor probably still. We don't slut shine, but you can be whorey and I like it. Live your best life. You're picking up dudes at a fucking party.

That's hot. Well. She was driving the whole thing. Like, she literally was. Oh, you saw what happened. Were you there? I came with Dave. Well, anyway, helpful hookups.

I hooked up with the doctor for a place to stay. Okay. I think that's respectable. Is it? I feel bad now in hindsight. At the time, I was like, that was a pretty smart move. It was consensual. She it? I feel bad now in hindsight. At the time I was like that was a pretty smart move. It was consensual. She was into it.

You were into it. I hope you had a great night. At least you weren't stranded at that party anymore. Shit party. Imagine the walk of shame in the slutty pirate outfit though. Did she drive you the rest of the way? No. My mate Johnny had to pick me up in the morning.

Oh, Johnny. Oh, my God. And he said, how will I know where you are? I'm like, I'll be the slutty pirate walking home with his shoes in his hands. Yeah. You'll know me when you see me kind of thing. Well, there's a few other innovative people that have done this for hookups and not surprisingly, I'm not really sure, but there's a seems to be. George Wendell. No. Monique DeRocha. No, no, no. There seems to be a lot more innovative women that have had blokes help them out. Really?

Which are fucking right which I fucking write. I like it. Amelia Moore said, I had a guy friend over when I was a teenager and my mum made him jump in our recycling bin to flatten all the cardboard so she can fit more stuff in. Before you flatten my daughter, can you just flatten these things? Before you put it in my daughter, could you get him beer? So that's the most mum thing I've literally ever heard.

Mum getting involved? Yeah. I don't think mum got involved. No, in the favours. Oh, yeah. For the bins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sexual favours.

You're not involved. Katie Baxter said, I was once seeing a plumber and got him to fix my leaky taps in the bathroom, then my leaky taps. I was going to say, weren't the only pipes being worked? Whoa. Alex, what was the name again? Katie. Katie Baxter.

How did you remember her last name but you didn't remember her first name? Because the plumber got her on her Baxter. It's got nothing to do with the last name. That's how I remembered it. My God. It's got nothing to do with the last night. That's how I remembered it. My God. Katie says, I got a date to fix my bed after I broke it the month

before doing it with another guy. And he asked how she broke it and she told him that she jumped on it from my wardrobe getting something. So she's like, oh, I was getting something down from the wardrobe so I jumped up and the bed broke. But she broke it with another dude. He obviously wasn't handy enough for Katie. And she's gone.

Two Katie's in a row. That wasn't the same Katie, by the way. That's what that's throwing me. Wow. Oh, my God. And the person who posted the tape was called Katie. It's all the same person. You could say this is all Katie Baxter.

And you still remember her last name. You barely remember my first name. Don't say that, Tabitha. Now, what I love is that I wonder if the manoeuvre, the bed in the first place, then the other guy comes over, fixes the bed, she does the same manoeuvre, breaks again, she goes, oh, that's never happened before. Yeah, oh, that's weird.

I was not expecting that. And to round it out, an amazing one from Renee. Surprisingly her name's not Katie. I've gotten them to pick up food on the way. No McPussy without McNuggets. They rock on with the nugs, she eats the nugs. She's like, oh, actually, now that I've had a feed. She's like, yeah, I've got my period, I think.

Yeah, so maybe just, yeah, thanks for coming over, though. All right, roll over. Good night. So good. Well played. All about that. Cheaper than Uber Eats. Hi, this is Fernanda from Phoenix, Arizona,

and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Big shout-out to the Champion Tarpons. Before you unleash on them. I Yeah, before you unleash on them. I'm not going to unleash on them. There's someone in my sights, Tony Lodge. Me? Yeah. What the fuck did I do?

Oh, you'll find out real soon. Oh, for fuck's sake. Kristen Anderson, Jesse Johnson, Stevie Judd, Danae McKay and Emma Starr. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon, patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan. You okay, mate? Yeah.

There was like a hair on the microphone and it like tickled my chin. I was like, what the fuck is touching me? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm all right. Sorry. We can continue? Yeah, I'm all good. Okay.

Why am I in trouble? Imagine this. Oh. Think of a TV show. Yep. That you really love. Gogglebox. Or a movie or maybe a musical artist, just someone that you really care about.

Lord. And then, now that you've got that person in mind like Lord, some comedian or some other TV show does a piss take on that person you love and just drags them to the ground. I see what you're saying. And not only is it bad enough, but every single thing they're saying about that thing you love is 100% correct.

Yep. This week... This week... We chose... what was it? Lockdown comfort TV shows and everyone chose Rick and Morty. Yes. And Tony goes, oh, I know just the episode. Yep.

And for those playing along at home, season four, episode three. The entire episode of Rick and Morty, which is a cartoon that's a bit wacky, it's real wacky and out there. Well, just to set up, the original recommendation was to watch it on Edibles. Obviously, we did not do that. We didn't do that. So how many episode seasons has there been of Rick and Morty? Ten seasons, probably 100 episodes?

Five, I think, or something like that. Fifteen episodes per season? Yeah, something like that. And Tony Felicia Lodge. I really like Rick and Morty. Torbs and I watch it all the time. It's very absurdist. It is.

It's crazy, yeah. And you said, Ryan, check out season four, episode three. If you've never watched an episode, check this out. And the entire episode is a massive piss take of not just heist movies in general but very specifically Ocean's Eleven and the Ocean's Eleven franchise. Yes. The whole episode is just taking the piss out of something. Son of a bitch, I'm in.

They say that like 25 times. So the whole episode is just taking the piss out of the genre. Yeah, of twists in heists and, yeah. Oh, a curveball. Oh, I'd already planned it all along. This is the line that really got me and I thought, fuck you, but also 100% correct. Thank you.

What's the old guy's name? Rick. Rick says, I mean, could have been one of two, Rick and or Morty. 60% of the movie is just them building the team and the other 40% is finding out they've already done it. And I was like, don't you make fun of Ocean's Eleven, but also very accurate. The maths does check out.

Check out on that. And it was like seeing your favourite pub be burned down. It is not like that. I thought you'd like it. I did and I hate that I loved it. Because when you said Rick and Morty, so we'll get to it in a second, but Benjamin recommended a different episode. But when we said we'd watch it, I was like, oh,

I know the perfect episode and because you hadn't seen it, I was like, you'll love it. I didn't think you'd be fucked up. I thought you'd love it. No, I'm fucked off because I loved it so much. It's so funny. It is so funny. It's such a good and I hate the thing around Rick and Morty of like,

I get Rick and Morty, like I get it. It's like when people watch Inception, they're like, I get Inception. I'm like, yeah, it's like a smart show, but you can enjoy it at whatever level you choose to. Like it's not like we should not, and this is a blanket statement. Hang on, let me just prepare the media for, I believe, a press conference. A statement from Tony Lodge.

We should not gatekeep art or TV and movies in that way. No. And people go, oh, you know, it's actually like a pretty, you know, intelligent TV show. I'm like, but you can enjoy, if you enjoy something. It's a dumb slapstick comedy and it's allowed to be just that to you if you want. Shut the fuck up.

If you enjoy watching it at that level. But if you enjoy watching it at a level where you dissect it and you've got these like crazy meanings or whatever, that's actually fine. Enjoy it the way that you want to enjoy it. So I hate with Rick and Morty it comes with this, like, wank factor of, like, well, I really actually understand what they're trying to say there.

Like, just fucking enjoy it. It's a good show. It is a good show. There are really sad episodes. Really? Yeah, but it's very good. I like it. I had to stop watching, what was that one about the famous horse?

BoJack Horseman. BoJack Horseman. I didn't like that and it was very depressing. It was very depressing, but I could appreciate what they were doing. But, yeah. But I was like, I need a break. Like, you watch two or three episodes in a row and you're like, phew. You know, that's how I felt about Euphoria.

Really? Yeah, I really wanted to like, because did you ever watch Skins? Yeah. Yeah. So Skins was, like, pretty depressing and pretty fucked and they did heaps of drugs. It was quite confronting, right? Yeah.

And they were like, when I was watching Skins, it was like they were a bit older than me. But I was like, so they probably would have been your age because they were only a bit older than me. No, that actually wasn't a dig. That actually wasn't a dig. They were about 50 years older than me. Ryan, were you in it?

Were you in it? No, you're right, though. It was when I was kind of 18. They were 18. Yeah. So they're like doing drugs and going out and partying, getting fucked and just whatever. And so I was watching that like, wow, like this is so intense.

Is this what it's really like? But it was kind of, I related to it because it was kind of around, like they were at school and whatever. And watching Euphoria now, it's like the same thing but way more intense. And I watch it and I'm like, I'm actually not the intended audience of this and it makes me so fucking depressed. Like it's really heavy.

Maybe we'll just stick to Rick and Morty. But, yeah, it's funny though when you watch like other stuff and people are like, oh, I love this show and you're like, that's not, I can't do it. Well, it turns out the Tarpers know us pretty well. Yeah. Because, and I have never watched Rick and Morty before. Which is funny.

Well, I watched it and I was like, oh, I would love this. Yeah. Like no reason to not watch it. It's just easy. Yeah. Was it Ben that recommended? Benjamin, yes. Benjamin that recommended season one, episode eight? Yes, I think so.

Have a listen to this, knowing I've never watched an episode and this sounded awfully familiar. Coming up next on Shmloos the Shmlas, Shmloney has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlona! Amazing. A dimension where all proper nouns begin with Shmla. Shmla!

Shmlandula? Shmlonathan? All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Shmangela? Schmlanathan? All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Schmangela? I had COVID when I watched this. I was in a bed. I hadn't stood for days. I nearly fell over when I heard that.

I was like, what? It's like because I said you were like, oh, Benjamin has said this episode, make sure you watch it. And I was like, and you said, there's a very specific reason. And I was like, fuck, I've seen all of Rick and Morty. So what is it? Trust me, you'll know it when you see it. You'll know it in 20 seconds.

And I was like, fuck, because I thought it was like a plot point. Nah. It's not. A throwaway joke. It's like a tiny joke that lasts for five seconds. It's so fucking good. That's so good. So how often would you watch Rick and Morty?

We watched all of the episodes like as they come out. Oh, so proper, proper. Yeah, and then since then we've put it on a few times as like a rewatch show to like have in the background or whatever. But later in that episode there's another joke and it's like because the episode is that they're watching Intergalactic Cable and it's all of the ads are different jokes in that episode.

So the thing that you just heard is like a different ad, but there's another ad later on and it's a horror movie ad and it says and it's called like it's all these like psycho cats and it's called The Last Will and Test-a-Meow. I didn't miss that? I was like, fucking Rick and Meowdy. Well, can I say, edibles aside. Please.

Great recommendation by everyone. Yeah, it is a really good show. It's a good, yeah, it's a good watch. All right, here's my love to see it. Okay, is it happy really good show. It's a good watch. Alright, here's my love to see it. Okay, is it happy or sad? It's real happy. Okay. What do you want to end on? Then do you want to go, I'll go first and you go second. Okay, so I've got another recommendation. Between

binging Gogglebox, Torbs and I have been binging House MD. No. Yep. House MD or is it just house? It's, I don't know. With that old guy? Yeah. Hugh Laurie. Yeah. Yep. House MD or is it just house? It's, I don't know. With that old guy? Yeah, Hugh Laurie.

Yeah. And he's like a diagnostic doctor. Yep. It's fucking amazing. Really? It is such a good fucking show. Is it better than The Good Doctor? I don't know what that is. Because people, oh, you're going to, people are going to hate that.

Oh, what is it? It's the, I believe he has autism, but he's incredibly smart. Sure. But it's apparently an incredible TV show. Oh, well. So better than that, though? I think so, because I haven't seen the other show. The House, oh, my God, it's so good.

Is it funny or is it? Oh, there are, like, funny bits in it, but it's, like, it's kind of dark. It's not Scrubs. It's a drama, I guess. Yeah, well, Scrubs also isn't funny. Are you, but it's like... It's kind of dark. It's like a... It's not Scrubs. It's a drama, I guess. Yeah, well, Scrubs also isn't funny, so... Are you thinking of Grey's Anatomy? Scrubs is awful.

It is the worst show. Okay. I'm fucking RIP my DMS. Yeah, see you later, Tony. It's been great doing this show. It's the end of the podcast. House, so good. Another recommendation.

I recommend going back and watching it because it's very good. There's so much of it as well. Jeez, you really are at the bottom of the barrel, aren't you? No, I'm not. I'm just enjoying my... Really digging deep into the throwback. I really enjoyed my time off. I really enjoyed binging TV,

and they're the two shows that got me over the line. Wow. Bubblebox? Bubblebox. Bubblebox. Gogglebox and House. Very good. And now you've got a happy story to end on.

What do you love to see? Hazel Crookshanks. Hi, Hazel Crookshanks. She's a part of the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. Beautiful. Hi, Hazel. Thank you. Hazel has informed me that Melbourne, the city of Melbourne where we live,

is hosting a garlic bread festival. And fuck me right up, because I have booked, you and I, Tony, tickets to go this Saturday. Are we going? Yeah. Are we actually going? Yeah, now they've got different kinds of garlic bread.

They've got garlic bread flavoured other things. And I don't know if this is going to be the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. Garlic bread cocktails. Ooh, buttery maybe? Buttery. Yeah, I'm intrigued but also a little scared. Because drinking... Oh my god.

But it's a whole festival dedicated to garlic bread. Yeah, it's that Welcome to Thornbury for those playing along at home in Melbourne. Where's that? It's in Thornbury. Where's that? Northcote, Hoburg, Preston, around there. Oh, cool. Northern suburbs.

Oh, my God, I'm so fucking excited. Are we actually going or are you taking the piss? No, no, booked tickets. Yeah. So we have booked a table. Oh, my God, I'm so fucking excited. Is the weather going to be good? What should I wear?

What do you wear to a golly? Oh, stretchy pants. Yep, I'll make sure it's booked undercover. I'm so excited. Is the weather going to be good? What should I wear? What do you wear to a go? Oh, stretchy pants. Yep, I'll make sure it's booked undercover. Great. Put your stretchy pants on. Fuck yeah. And bring the mints.

Because our breath is going to be meow disgusting. Horrend meows. Bring the meows Love you bye See you later fuck me See you later