Toni and Ryan - How To Get A Pay Rise | FUNNIEST MOMENTS OF JULY

Episode Date: August 1, 2026

Fallen behind on TARP and need a fast-track to catch up?!? Here’s the bessssst bits from JULY 2026!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I asked for a pay rise because I was doing my job plus the job of three others. You know, yeah. Oh, can you help with this? Yeah. And then six months later, you're like, fuck, I'm actually doing fucking three people's jobs. Yeah. And it happens so slowly that you don't realize. You don't even realize.

I asked for a pay rise. Slay rise. A sleigh rise. It's actually easier to give me a sleigh rise than for you to hire three other people. Totally. Yeah. Do we need to stop on sleigh rise? I'm so sorry.

I've lost on sleigh rise. The company said no. So the smug tarpa left. Got a higher paying job fucked off. Hot, yes. But I just heard, says Smugta, because, you know, they're still about friends with some of the people who are still doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're now struggling without me. Oh, don't you hate to see that? I've also heard they are now hiring multiple people to replace me. Oh, imagine if you just gave me that 10 grand, you crusty old white. I'm assuming.

Kat Finlay. Hi, Kat. This is what her mom said. This is the worst thing I've ever read in my life. Kat's mom messages her and goes, the printer's not working because the printer knows I shouldn't be printing this. What? I mean, in fairness, that's something you would say.

So Kat's like, well, what the fuck is she trying to print? She's like, oh, the printer won't allow this one. Oh, so she thinks that like the printer's gone, oh, well, we can't allow it. We can't allow that. And so she's like, what the fuck are you trying to print? Oh my God. Her mom goes, I got a picture of Doctor Who off the Google without paying for it.

I reckon the printer knows I stole the image and won't print it. They would be an accomplice, I suppose. Turns out she was printing to PDF. Taubs' middle name is Peter. That's crazy. Is he changing it when you get married? Alex Tony Lodge. What are you going to do?

I don't know. What are you going to do? I don't know. And I don't really have to know. Is there something to be said for like, we're a new couple where we've moved across the country, we're just going to find with no history. Start a new one.

Like we are the top of the chain of this new name. Oh, our dynasty. There's no, but there's no baggage. There's no history. There's no like, oh, because we've always done it. It's like, no. I like that. It starts today.

Yeah, I do like that. Dickleberry. You'll both be Dickleberies. Tony Dickleberry and Alex Dickleberry. Yeah. Here come the dickleberries. Pippa Dickleberry. Yeah, Pippa Dickleberry.

Pippa Dickleberry. Because yeah, I've got no connection to my name. And I would still... When you start this new one, Dickleberry, like, working title. No, it sounds like that's pretty final. But you get to decide and define what it means. Who that is. Yeah.

Because in 50 years, people will know the dickleberries. Yeah. And that's what you did to it. The Dickleberry dynasty. It's what you. you did to the Dickelberry dynasty. Not what the Dickelberries do to you. It's what you do to them.

You do to them. Yeah. And I have always said that. Actually, no, you have. You're on the record. Yeah. Okay. Let's workshop a new name.

Oh, sorry. Let's lock in that new name. Yesterday, I was in traffic. And I don't often have my windows down in the car. It's like not really how I roll. And I just put them down a touch. Like I'm talking like three inches.

Is there a reason for this? And were you listening to Natasha Beddingfield? I think I was listening to a song. I was really vibed me there. Yeah. And he was like, yeah. I was listening to Dom Dollar in the car.

I had the windows down about three inches. My car is quite low to the ground. Next to me at the lights is a guy in like a Ford Ranger Raptor like a high. Big tough man. You'd big truck. Yute. Troop. And he was biting his,

like I could see him. He had his like, finger in his mouth like and he was resting his like elbow on the window and he was like biting his fingernail and he flicked it out and it landed on my front passenger seat oh my no and then the light goes green and the world expected me to just move on like you're not going to need seven business days to figure that out how many times have you had your window down in the last 12 months? Once.

So your ratio of window down to fingernail received is one. It's 100%. Yeah. That is fucked. And so I'm just sitting in the car. Oh my God. The light goes green. This,

this takes off and I'm just like, part of his DNA is in my car. If you drive a Ford Raptor in reservoir and you've flicked a nail out of window, Look what you've done to this innocent young lass who now has a man's DNA in her car for reasons not normal. Yeah, not the regular one. That is fucking crazy. I could not believe it. Is it still in there?

Did you pick it up with your hand and throw it back out? I didn't touch it with my hands. I had like a receipt in the, like I bought fuel. I had a receipt and I plonked it up with the receipt and I put it in the bean at my house. I didn't know what to do with it You need to throw it out the window straight away No I didn't want to touch it

To take it to the police the fingerprints Go here DNA test this And find the driver Of a Ford Raptor Who's flicking fingernails into Females cars How do you explain that?

Who's gonna ask about it? When someone comes across They go oh yuck And I go Excuse me ma'am This is a police breath of lies Can you just breathe into there And who the fuck's fingernails that

I don't know. I don't know. Oh, unexplained. Yeah, great. Where'd you bury the body? Don't. I would start to, I would confess to a crime I did for me. Yeah.

I actually dreamt me other night that I was dating Jack Antonoff. Oh, I had that because he's, I believe, single now. Yeah, yeah, he thinks of me in a Korean barbecue restaurant. And we were waiting for the bus. And I was like, can't you afford an Uber? Aren't you mega rich? Yeah. And then I told Torbs about it and he was like, okay.

And he figured you at the bus stop or after the fingering. No, he figured me at the restaurant. At the Korean Barbecue. Yeah. And then he put you home on a bus. Which is random, right? Listen to it. Get this.

Oh, we haven't heard the crazy bit yet. Okay. Strap the fucking. So we were at the, this is actually fucking crazy. We were at Korean barbecue. But we got sashimi. Isn't that random? Wasn't that random?

That's just illegal. Something that I. I saw the other day actually that I need to bring up stopped me in my tracks. And I sat there and I looked at this thing for probably like 10 or 20 seconds. Oh, so really like, oh. And I went, huh. And I thought that maybe we could play a game where we talk about things that made us go, huh, and I've got some audio.

And I was like, huh. So what made you say? So I hopped into the back of... Sorry, what made you say? Oh, sorry. And I was like, huh. Um, so I sat, I hopped into the back of an Uber. And I was like, huh.

Because something that I saw stumped me, stopped me in my tracks. Got a photo of it here. This Uber driver had an air freshener thing in the aircon. There's actually so much to dissect in just one picture. If you look at that aircon, little air freshener. Can you see the brand? Yeah.

Can you see the brand of that air freshener? Links. From the good people of Lynx Africa. Yep. Bown chick o'at-w-w-wow. So I was like, that must be a different thing. Like, there is no way that the stinky 15-year-old boy deodorant went, well, people would love their cars to smell like Lynx Phoenix or Links Africa.

And I googled it. And they're selling it at like super cheap auto and stuff. that. And they do sell a lynx Africa version. There's like, there's, there's a range of lynx air fresheners that go in the car fit for purpose. And this Uber driver went, oh, God, when my patrons hop in the car, you know what they might like? A fresh smell. You know what I? I like it. No, you don't. I like it because, there you go. How much they, it's got it. Five You couldn't buy the materials. Oh my God, they're on clearance.

Can you read? There's 50 reviews of that Links Africa. Can you? Easy to install. Smells fresh. You can never go wrong with Links Africa. Grew up on it. Now I'm driving around town in it.

It brings back the memories. Yes, I do recommend this product. I brought this about a month ago. Great smell just like the body. All the cool kids have linked Africa. Something is back. It used to be cool. And it wasn't so cool.

Tony's been staunchly against it, but it's back. It is back. It is back. Charles, roll the tape. So what's your take? Handjobs over blow jobs. Handjobs are better than blow jobs. Hand jobs are better than blow jobs.

100% agree. Yes! Last time you saw a hand job in a movie. They took them out. Have they ever been there? The problem is the porn industry wants you to believe that sucking is better than given a handjob and it's simply not true. And it's simply not true.

Hand jobs is back. Hand jobs are back. And what wasn't in that clip was the line, he said, you can't make out with your partner and have them suck you off at the same time. That is true. And they said you can be smooching and jerkin, but you can't be smooching and suckin' dick. But I'm kissing your dick.

Isn't that better? Isn't that the ultimate? I just think then, isn't that just like, and I'm happy to. They have also said it's the summer of the handjob. The Saro Manjump Um Subway tags by the way

It's fantastic I guess it is something that you could ease Like it's easier to do if you've got less like room or something I don't know Yeah I just I'm like oh but that's just something you could do to yourself That's just you jerk me jerking you off Like you would rather jerk yourself off

You know? No I don't think so It is but doesn't it just feel the same as you jerking yourself off Yeah but it's like I can rub my own left but if someone else massages my leg, it's not the same. That's a really good point. Like, you can't tickle yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. Quite literally. Yeah. Hang on. Yeah, and what a shame. Like, you can't tickle yourself. Yeah.

I think if you would like a hand job, I'll give you one. Thank you. I just think that it feels nice to do something that like I can't do to myself. You can't, you know? Yep. It's a summer of the hand job. Yeah. And it feels like a summer of the hand job.

affair. It does. Like it's like at the moment, it's fucking cold. Yeah. It's fucking miserable. It's light in Melbourne right now from like 7.30 to 5 p.m. Like it's pretty grim. Yeah.

Last week we talked about, you're not getting a happy go lucky hand job. In the dark. In the fucking winter solstice. Yeah. That's so true. Um, last week people. Suck my winter solstice.

Is getting sucked off a winter sport. 1,000%. Yeah. Because. And your hot take. Yeah, that's a great hot take. Because I reckon.

It's cold. It feels nice to like snuggle up. Yeah. Close to each other. Put my cold dig in your warm mouth. Yeah. I'm like your little hot water bottle. And actually, you know what?

Getting jerked off in the cold feels awful. Yeah. Cold hands. Yeah, he's shriveled up. You don't want the shriveled up. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. I think that that's the thing. It's that like hand jobs for summer, blow jobs for winter. I hardly know. Call that. That's the week of the show. Oh my God. Getting to the end of world's issues.

Yeah. Luckily, we're here to solve the big problems. A few moments later. Fucking, it's the summer of the hand job, so get over it. Don't fuck me. Jerk me. Oh, see, that's not good. Yeah, no.

Jerk me doesn't rhyme. Don't scan me. Hand me. Oh, don't sling it in me, finger in me. There's a place in Altham called Little Drop of Poison. You've been there for your birthday. Oh, in there for my birthday. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they've got all these, like, cute, cup-y seats. Because it's a bit of like little cocktail, little snack, like a little cute little like, like warm and sexy kind of energy. A little bit. A little bit. And there's another one in Altham called Bar, however the fuck you pronounce it. They're also little two seed of things, but both of them have the one big, booth. Oh, so it's like if there's a fuel of you, you've got to get in quick.

And you get the booth. And we've always, it's just been Bridget and I, but you know, you kind of go, oh, one night, let's get a bunch of us and let's get the booth. Yeah. So I've got an invitation for you. Because, you know, everyone's come together and stuff. Yeah. Oh my God.

I would love to come. Yeah. So Tim and his partner, Cam. Yeah. Me and my wife, Bridget. Yeah. we would love to invite you to babysit Mabel why the four of us go out. I thought I was getting invited to the big booth.

What? I'm not invited to the big booth. We live with an anthem, so it's a be, like, Newfound. Like, we said to love them. And you love Mabel and night Torbs like, oh, I won't see you in Fiji? Better hang out instead. Well, I would absolutely love to look after Mabel. Yeah, absolutely.

Great. So, hang on. So I, have I like redundant sized myself from this friendship? So like the four of you were going to go hang out and then what? Well, the four of us get along really well. And what I also didn't realize. What about me? You get along with me?

Oh, pump the break, Shannon and all. But Bridget and Cam, they have. He didn't even know his name. You don't even know his name. No. But they get along really well because they're both like the gardeners of the couple. And they were like comparing notes and Bridget's going to go around and a whole. with his gut because he's growing vegetables and stuff and she's he's like I've got some

I don't give a fuck um I hope you guys have a great time let me know what time I should pick up maybe oh we'll drop her off you don't have to come over is she staying the night if that's alright because I'm not planning on driving she need tools to come to drive you or something would he yeah sure I mean we're not busy you both come to pick a up and I'm like, where's Mellie? Like, she's a sleep back and out, right? Yeah. Yeah, Bont job.

Do you guys want to go through the magistrate to? Hypothetically. Nothing hypothetical about it. You've showed what side of the fence you're on. Hypothetically. What? If Mandy Dunn, my mum, was available. Mabel's yaya.

And we know Mabel love staying at Mum's place. Should I invite Mum to come to the bar with us? you know that was frank and jason no you know that in my head i thought you were going to ask me obviously that is clear that's what you meant i was going to be like charles you should also come and babysit pipper and mabel oh if my mom is available which i know what i would love for your mum to go to dinner with you bridget tim and cam you'll have a great time she'll be busy you'll have a great time no you'll have an excellent time i'll call you mum now she's busy i'll call you mom now and i'll So Ryan would love to invite you to dinner.

It's both playing on her. I've just thrown turning her. You want to fuck with me? I'll fuck with you. I'll invite your mum. Call me and you'll have. And you will have an exilente time. If my mom is available, would you and Tobbs like to join us in the booth?

You want to come in the booth? That's not a euphemism, by the way. I'll have to see if I'm free. Killing up a cooking pot from the bathroom sink Normal or nah from Casey I witnessed my husband filling the cooking pot from the bathroom sink My dumb husband reckons the water is hotter in the bathroom So the whole process will be quicker

He obviously doesn't understand the hierarchy of sinks The hierarchy of sinks, thank you for bringing that up That's definitely part of this conversation Is he normal or nah I have a question. No, like that's disgusting. But I've got a question. Apparently, apparently, you're not supposed to use hot water in your kitchen for stuff

unless it's like washing dishes or whatever. But using the hot tap, like the pipes are like dirtier so you shouldn't use them to like cook with. How are they dirtier? I don't know. I don't know. But one thing that's fucked me off in the past is when some cook a person will be like, some cooker. Oh, it's better for the food if you put cold water in and heat it up.

And I'm like, if you put hot water in, it's like you're already at step three. But apparently you're not supposed to do that. That's what I've heard. I'm like, why? But that's what I mean, like, I don't know the difference. Put the kettle on and I can just top the pot. You want boiling water? I can have that in three minutes.

Oh, no, I've got a hanged it up. Now, doing the kettle, I think, is okay. But there are some foods you're not supposed to put directly into boiling water. But like a potato, you're not supposed to put them into boiling water. You're supposed to heat the water out. Root vegetables. Supposed to put them into cold water and bring the water to the boil

with the potatoes in there. They're getting fussy out there. Well, I think it gives you a better result. But actually, no, who gives a fuck? Because why would you bother boiling a potato like that if you were just going to mash it? Because mashed potato is stupid. Mashed potato is the worst form of potato that's ever existed.

I love mashed potato. Mashed potato is stupid. So what you do is you make. it with butter and then when you serve it up add more butter. Yep. And it's so good. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You can make it better with butter but it's still bad.

No, it's so good. No, it's terrible. What about it is? You're having sausages. You cut a bit of sausage, then you scoop up a bit of mash, have a bit of sauce and that one big mouthful. Oh. I'm having sausages tonight. No.

Oh, well, you can. I just texted a guy that sometimes I call for a taxi on the Friday and he's a and he sorted it out. I was like, oh, it's actually for our wedding. And that was a mistake. Because the car rocks up and they've put ribbons on the front and like the whole shebang. And this man, it's like he was my dad.

And he was the proudest man on earth. We walk out the front door and he goes, let's get you two kids married oh what a sweetheart it was so sweet but very unexpected yeah and was he like in a suit and like he was in a suit yeah he was so he was so he was so chapped

anyway and he goes do a job that you love you know what I mean never work a day in your life yeah so we get in the car and he's playing Taylor Swift he was playing lover and I was like oh my god that's so sweet. Like, I love that. And then the song changes. And it's just like a, I thought that he was like playing a Taylor Swift album. Yeah. He was just playing, it was obviously on Spotify, like a wedding playlist.

Sure. The next song is, you know, like, I'll make love to you like you want me to. So it's, and then I'm like, maybe it's not a wedding place, but like a romance playlist. Gotcha. And then, and that's, and that starts, plane. He doesn't have Spotify premium. Torbs and I are sitting in the back and it's like, you should upgrade to Spotify premium as many downloads and skips as you like. And I was just like, oh my God, well that's taking us out of the mood a little bit. You know when you're in the car and the cable disconnects from the phone and it goes like, but dumb. And then it goes, buddum, when it goes back in, as soon as we got onto the big road.

Yeah. And it was obviously like bouncing around a little bit. Be-dum, budim, bidum, budim. And then we'd start with the lights and he'd fiddle with it. And then it would start. But the playlist would start again from the top. No. So we heard the same song and a half like 40 times.

Anyway, so because I hadn't checked the weather, I didn't know, but it was supposed to rain. Yep. So we're in the car and it starts to rain. And the man goes, it's starting to rain. Oh my God. And I was like, oh, it doesn't matter. We're like literally going to get out of the car, get into the chat. And he's like, no, you're a big day.

And I was like, no, no one cares about it as much as you do. Like, it's really, it's really fine. But because it starts to rain, the windscreen wipers turn on. The ribbons. The ribbons. No. No. Flip sco.

Flip scoop. Flip scoop. Flip scoop. Flip scoop. Flip scoop. Badoom, ba-dum, flip scoop. And I... Flip-scroop, flip-p-p-p-p-d-d-d-dom.

No, why!