Toni and Ryan - How To Hook Up This Christmas

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Sexy Christmas pickup lines and a fuckin' CORKER of an embarrassing tale from Tlodge. Love ya!!! Toni xoxox Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the podcast. Yep, my name is Ryan, Vice Captain of the ship. This is author Tony Lodge over here. Yes, you can probably order my book at the link in our show notes. And we are about to call The Colony in Texas. The Colony? I believe that's a town name, but it just sounds pretty fucked. Is that their name?

Oh, no. No, no, it's a town. It's Jake. Oh. The Colony? Yeah. Like, the situation? Yeah, and then I thought maybe, did you misread Colonel? Jake. Oh. The colony. Yeah. Like the situation. Yeah.

And then I thought maybe did you misread Colonel? Because you know how it's spelled. The Colonel. Or just Colin. The colony. The colon. Let's call Jake. Yeah, okay.

Hello? Jake, it's Tony and Ryan. Hey, do you live in a place called The Colony? Oh, my God, yes, I do. Well, we just had a little bit of off-air chat, which we probably didn't need to include at all, because Ryan said, we're calling The Col the colony and I thought that was your name and we had a whole thing, so sorry.

Yes, my name's Jake the colony. Well, I just thought that Ryan mispronounced the colonel. Oh, well, I mean, why is it spelled that way? I don't know. Why is it spelled colonel? They should spell it like corn kernel. Exactly. I think it's probably just from, you know, the UK or Britain, you know,

when they started back in the day. I'm just going to blame it on them, right? Okay. Well, history lesson aside, Jake, would you approve this podcast? Absolutely. Yay! Sweet! The Colony approved this podcast.

Uh, absolutely. Yay! Sweet! The Colony approved this podcast. Hey, it's Jake from The Colony in Texas and I approve this podcast. Now, some people may accuse us of coming too soon. I've never. I've never either. But it's fucking Christmas at the Tony and Ryan podcast.

Get around it. Merry Christmas. Merry Tarpmas. Now, Tony, actually, can you explain what I'm wearing? Okay, so you've got a lovely, very joyful Christmas hat, Christmas hat, Christmas jumper on, a knitted ugly Christmas sweater. Yep. And a beautiful little elf hat.

Thank you. And it's got ears on it and your ears are facing forward instead of to the side. Oh, okay. That's interesting. So that's the ear you're touching there, which is on the. Oh, is that not supposed to be there? No, so they're ears. So they go on the side.

Okay. Cool. Cool, cool. Well, so I would turn it. Oh, is that not supposed to be there? No, so they're ears. So they go on the side. Oh, okay. Cool, cool, cool. Well, so I would turn it. Oh, I get what you're saying. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Yep. All right.

Now for you, because I am. Do I have a hat? Chief Christmas officer. Oh. I've given you. I'd actually. Can I be chief Christmas officer? Okay.

No, it's okay. We'll figure it out. Okay. As chief Christmas purchasing officer. First of all, I've got the little snowman. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

How nice is that? That's beautiful. Now, I've got you the choice. Sorry, I'm just off the microphone. Now, I've got you a traditional red Santa's hat. Yep, classic. To go with your beautiful knitted sweater. I'm also wearing a Christmas jumper.

That has reindeer on it. It's cute as fuck. So, I've got you a traditional red Santa's hat. Yep. To go with your beautiful knitted sweater. I'm also wearing a Christmas jumper. That has reindeer on it. It's cute as fuck. So I've got your traditional red Santa's hat. Just not that good for the hair, are they? Well, none of these are going to be, to be honest. I've got another what I'm wearing, which is the elf one with the hat. The elf with the ears. Yeah, and it's a green and red stripe.

Yeah. Or I have the reindeer antler headband. I'd like that. I think that's sluttiest. There you go. Thanks. It is. You're right.

And because it's almost the start of December, also are you one of those people that gets really fucked off when people put their tree up before December 1? Yes. Do I look cute? You do look cute. I feel very cute. Oh, my God, I look adorable.

You do look fucking adorable. Yeah. We'll take a photo. You're going to have sex later? Well, we're about to do Christmas pick-up lines. We've strayed. We've gone off book. I'm we're about to do Christmas pick-up lines. We've strayed. We've gone off book. I'm very excited about this.

All right. Before we put the tree up, do you reckon you could put your trunk up me? Thanks for saying trunk. Yeah. And not twig. Shout out to the big twig. Twig. Hey, Tony. Yeah. And not twig. Shout out to the big twig. Twig. Hey, Tony.

Hey. I go down on more than just chimneys. I'll get on my chimneys for you. Whoa. Welcome. Merry Christmas. I've written down what I want and you're at the top of my Christmas list. Yeah, I am.

Can you imagine saying that to someone in a bar or like on Christmas lunch, like your cousins brought a friend from uni and, you know, like the eggnog's flowing. On my list, fucking you. I didn't mean. Fucking you. Yeah, I didn't mean it like that, but now that I've said it. Both work.

Wow. I know we're didn't mean it like that, but now that I've said it... Both work. Wow. I know we're in Australia and it's summer, but I'll still give you a white Christmas. Whoa. Yes, please. I'm a bit of an angel, so why don't I climb on top of you? That's where you belong. You bring that cookie, I'll bring the milk.

Candy canes are mint, and so are we. Meant to be together. I'm calling you a present, because you're going to get laid under my tree tonight. Yeah, okay. You like that? Yeah. A little lounge room under the tree action. I'm imagining like the fires on and...

A bit of brandy. You know, your chestnuts are roasting on my open fire. It's like, ugh. Now that is a chestnut. Ooh, I love eggnog. Call me Santa because I'm planning on emptying my sack on you tonight. That's fucking, that's pretty aggressive, isn't it? On you, I think was the word. On you, yeah. I'm planning on emptying my sack tonight pretty aggressive. On you, I think was the word.

On you, yeah. I'm planning on emptying my sack tonight. On you. I'm planning on emptying my sack. Yeah, I'm sorry. That was aggressive. That's okay. I feel like we're dressed so wholesomely.

It is. That was. Yeah. Yep. Let the people decide. Yeah, okay. Is that a lump of coal in your stocking or are you just happy to see me? Now, this is wordy and may not make sense.

Okay. I'm just putting it out there. That's fine. Self-aware. This isn't going to be my best one. Okay. I'm going to call your ass Christmas and myself the Grinch

because guess what I love to destroy? You have to think about it. So I'm Christmas. Yeah. No, I'm Christmas. No, your ass is Christmas. Oh, my ass. This is Christmas. And I'm the Grinch.

Christmas, yeah. Because the Grinch loves to destroy, yeah. The Grinch actually stole Christmas, not destroy it. On the steel you're in. I don't know what that means. not destroy it. On the steel your ass. I don't know what that means. I'll show you me stocking if you show me your sack.

Are you a New Zealand corridor? Because I'd like to dick the holes. I'm sorry, that doesn't really make any sense. I loved it. I personally loved it. I didn't know where it was going, but it ended great. Going down the hall. Oh, show me your fucking North Pole.

Sorry, I've been stressed at work and it's a bit of a South Pole at the moment. It's facing down. You can put mine in my South Pole Put your candy cane in my South Pole Call me Santa because I go all night And I'm going to take you places you've never been before Well call me Santa Because you're on my list And I'll fucking check you out twice

That's real cute Thank you You do look adorable, that's real cute. Thank you. You do look adorable. Yeah, I look too cute to say naughty stuff. But sometimes that's when it like throws you off. Yeah, because I want you to stuff me like a turkey. Your bread comes. Does it?

I haven't heard that before, but yes, it does. So I'm just going through my list of double ups. Stuffing you tonight, yes. You're an angel, so tonight you're going to be on top of my tree trunk, yes. Cookie milk, yes. Oh. Clear your schedule for December 26 Because I'm going to give Boxing Day a new meaning

Like boxing Oh my box Oh fucking how good are jokes when you get them One of my favourite things Clear your schedule on December 26th because I'm going to give Boxing Day a new meaning. Thank you.

Did you want to ride in the back of my sleigh? Yep. It goes all night. I bet it does. Yeah. Makes me look like a real ho, ho, ho. Hey, it's Jake from Ecolony in Texas

and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Tomorrow on the show, the first time you don't know this yet. No, I don't. The first time Tony said I love you to Torbs. Yep. And it's not like it happened this way.

A beautiful story. It is a beautiful story. That's tomorrow on the show. A big thank you to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Alistair Costello. Costello. I love a Costello, the cheese. Do you love a Costello, the politician?

No. Do you like a Costello, the musician? Don't know. Elvis Costello? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't. Is that Elvis's last name? Elvis Costello? No. Not the Elvis? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Is that Elvis' last name?

Elvis Costello? No. Not the Elvis? Oh, wrong. What's the last name of the Elvis? Who's Elvis Costello? Elvis Presley? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Who's Elvis Costello? What? Imagine being a singer with the name Elvis and, like, not being. Elvis Costello is, like, so famous. Apparently. Elvis Presello is, like, so famous. Apparently. Elvis Presley, yeah. Yeah, if only he had some, you know, like, real star power name

that everyone could remember. Kelly Hollier, thank you so much. Fuck, you are going to get dragged. Yeah. Kelly Hollier. And I deserve it. Thank you so much. Shane, fucking love you.

Thank you. Ivana Benderova. Now, there is a story behind Ivana Benderover I hope so We received a message from Ivana and said I had to put in a pun name because the job that I have I'm not allowed to have like a public like social media

and so they said so just letting you know that's how I've done it, I'm not really trying to be clever but thought I'd have a bit of fun with it First of all, you could have chosen anything and you chose that. And that was amazing. Don't at me with your, oh, I had to be called this because of my work. But you know when someone says, oh, just don't push that button?

I was like, well, now I really want to know what you do for a job. Like tell me what you do for a job. Can you message us and say? No information yet from Ivana. Let's DM her. Well, her, him, they, we don't know. Ivana could be a complete, you know, misnomer trying to trick us. Yeah, yep, you're right.

Now I need to know even more. I know. Kendra King, thank you so much. And Barbara, please. And it's please with an exclamation mark. It's like, Barbara, please. Barbara, thank you. Barbara, please.

Barbara, please. Barbara, please. Barbara, please. Barbara, please. Barbara. Please. Barbara, please. Oh, please. Please, Barbara. Please, Barbara. Anyway, thank you so much to a few of our Chamu tubbers. Is it Christmas again already?

Jesus Christ. Christmas. Come in my Christmas. All right. Okay. Okay. How are you doing over there, mate? Okay.

You look rattled. Are you rattled? What over there, mate? Okay. You look rattled. Are you rattled? What's going on? I'm a little bit rattled and I think that you're going to like this. So you know how you often hear about like celebs or people of influence saying things like, oh, well, you know, if only the people in high school could see me now. You know, like I'm doing so well and, you know, like my life has changed and I don't need them anymore kind of thing.

Sure. Well, something kind of similar happened to me except also not similar at all and really not at all the same. You know this thing? Yep. Yeah, well, that didn't happen. It's not like that at all. So this might be like a movie trope.

And, I mean, you lived in the US so maybe you know. Oh, yeah. But you know how back in the day it was like after you left high school you would like move away or whatever. Moved to college. But you'd lose touch with everybody and you wouldn't like know anything about them and it feels like this like run to the finish line of like the 10-year reunion to either get really hot

or really successful because like it's literally been 10 years since you've seen those people. For some reason you feel like, yeah, we've got to be the first to graduate, get the job, marry the person, have the kids. Have a baby. Tick the box. Buy the house. Oh, and it's just, yeah. All that stuff.

Did you have a 10-year reunion? I think that there was one, but I living over eight like i was living in is that a flex in itself maybe like oh she couldn't be here because she's in melbourne well and people from perth who moved to melbourne it's a thing it's a thing and you are the pinnacle of that thing right now um except most people move back after a year because they can't afford to stay uh all right sorry okay so maybe you can see where this is going. But now, because of like Instagram and Facebook, you're kind of like kept in the loop of all the people

that you went to high school with. What are you up to now? Yeah, I know. I saw it the other day. I know because you posted that you got that promotion or you opened that doctor's surgery or fuck it, whatever it is. Name one person from either of the schools we went to that's opening a doctor's surgery.

One of the guys I went to school with actually is now like a physiotherapist and he has his own surgery. Dan is doing very well. Didn't see him at the reunion. I know this because of Instagram, right? Right. But so because of that, you know what people are up to. So nothing's like really a surprise.

And before starting this podcast, I was working in radio and I was kind of behind the scenes and I was in a few videos. So I started getting like a few followers on Instagram, whatever. Nothing crazy. But like I wouldn't say that I was like publicly thriving. Like it wasn't as if people looked at me and went, oh, my God. Like they were probably like, oh, you've moved away from Perth. Like how cool. But I got a few messages here and there of people being like,

look like you love your job, like really happy for you. Good on you. And they were people that I liked. Sure. So people that I still kept in touch with or, you know, sent the odd happy birthday or fucking whatever. Yeah. I've moved around a bit for work.

So it wasn't flashy or OTT. I didn't fucking have any money. Like, you know, like I was, you know. Then you're seeing every single asshole that you went to school with who like hasn't moved around and kind of, you know, went straight to uni, did accounting and now like lives with the girl that they slept with on the night of the ball. They've got a kid together. They bought a house. They're putting up the picture with the sold sign. They're posting the sonogram, all that shit. And you're like, what are you fucking doing? So in the last year and a bit when we started the videos

and started the podcast, obviously we kind of like we got quite big quite quickly. And so for me, I've only had like a life in the public for like a year, whereas you've kind of been doing radio and stuff for, you know, 10 kind of years. So it's all very new. And a lot of people have kind of reached out from school that I was friends with that are like, hey, you're killing it. It's really awesome. Love to see it.

And I was like, thank you so much. That's really kind. But as we got bigger, as the podcast got a bit more successful and, you know, at the moment we are on billboards in my hometown. Of course. Yeah. That kind of thing, you know. In Perth. I'm kind of getting messages from people who I didn't like or didn't hang out with or who didn't like me. Would you go as far to say is they like actively didn't like, like they were mean to you? Yeah. So I'm getting messages from people and I'm like, you are actually a fucking asshole to

me. Or like, like if you saw me in the street a year ago, I wouldn't have spoken to you. Yeah. But now you're like, oh, I'm going to message you and whatever. And it's just – and then like you know how everyone's got a brand now. Everyone's got a small business. And then so as soon as like things started happening on Instagram,

they're like, oh, well, did you want to talk about my brand on your Instagram? And I was like, you actually called me fat in high school, like I'm not going to help you with your shit brand. Yep. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I mean, right? I do.

Can I, to be maybe devil's advocate, do they like, are they allowed to have grown up and changed and matured and whatever? Yes. But I guess it would be up to them to go, hey, I was a bit of an arsehole. I'm sorry about that. Good to see you doing well. Have a great life.

See, that's the thing. It's that you're not opening with anything else. You're just going like, oh, you're doing well. You're interested in doing this thing. Can I get something from you now? Yeah. And I know that I sound. How can this benefit me?

I sound like I haven't grown up and that I'm like stuck in fucking 2009, but it's genuinely more that like, I'm more than my job and you never cared about me until now when I am. When you can get something out of it for your small business. For your small business or just, you know, the flex of being like, oh, well, I know I went to school with her. You know what I mean? And it's just fucking like been grading on me a little bit.

And anyway, so like two weeks ago I announced that I've written a book. Yep. And it's a really exciting time. It's coming out early next year. You can pre-order at the link in our bio. Yep. And all these people have started coming out of the fucking woodwork because apparently writing a book, very impressive, which it is.

And I think that all these people are kind of like, fuck, this book's about her life. I hope you weren't mean about me in your fucking book. So they're messaging me now going, oh, like trying to make good and going, oh, I hope everything's okay. I've already written it and the answer is yes, I did write you up. So my phone's like blowing up. I'm getting all these lovely messages and comments from people

that I've never spoken to, I haven't spoken to in years. And I was like, you know, random comments and congratulations. And again, two years ago wouldn't have stopped me in public. Like just no way. Then a day later or so after I'd announced the book, I get a message from someone from high school and we actually had a few classes together and she was quite nice, but we haven't really talked since leaving school. But I know she's a primary teacher because like I've seen on fucking Facebook, can't avoid the information

you don't want. And you know, when you get a message and you don't open it and you just see like the first two lines, this is the day right after i announce my book sure and the first two lines that i can see say hey tony just wanted to send this before i forget i've been asked to organize a book and author event for my school and was wondering if you could help me out right and that's all i could see okay and i was fucking fuming why because i see that and immediately i'm like are are you fucking, it doesn't say, hey, Tony, oh my God, you've written a book. That's fucking, congratulations.

You need praise. No, it's not about the praise. But if you're going to fucking ask me for a favor, like lube me up before you fuck me in the ass. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Do you know what I like? Do you know the other day when we were talking about how that girl said to you, oh my God, can't believe I just fucked the guy from Star FM.

And you were like, I'm a person. I did lube her up before I fucked her in the arm. Good for you. Thank you. But you were like, not to sound sad, but like, I'm a person. And I was like, I'm actually like, I have feelings about this. My fucking heart and soul's in this book. And you're just going to go, I need you for a fuck.

I need a favor. And I know a famous person. So, yeah, I'll fucking – I'll try my shot here. Can I – yeah, okay. What? What a great opportunity to sell your book. Is that not what – is she not helping you out a little bit? But like –

Hey, how are you? Have a coffee first. How have you been? Like if you were going to message someone and ask them for a favour, like I feel like there's a bit of fucking back and forth beforehand. Would you compare it to we're all on Zoom now. Before you get down to business, you're always going to go, hey, how's your weekend?

You don't just like get on the Zoom and go, cool, it's 99.95. Are you in or not? Like it's a bit of. It's just like social. What's the word we're looking for? Being polite. Having a genuine, normal fucking conversation. It's just like social. What's the word we're looking for? Being polite. Yes. Having a genuine normal fucking conversation.

Etiquette. Yeah. Is the word. Yeah. And I just like I've gotten all these messages from people that I don't fucking like. And then this person who I do like and would actually consider a friend sends me a thing being like, oh, well, I've got to set up this author thing. Can you help me out? Yeah.

And so I'm immediately a bit fucking het up and I got really fucked off. That sounds like it. And I had a rant at Torbs. I don't know why you're like not on my side. I'm not on your side. I'm just interested to see where this goes because I've seen you've been flapped and you've been irked by this for a while. So I rant and rave to Torbs and I was like,

I'm not even going to fucking open that right now. Like that's really fucked me off because I just felt like it was actually really rude. Yep. You're being used and abused. Yes. And so 24 hours kind of passes. You sleep on it?

Yeah, I sleep on it. The message is still like in my notifications and I go, all right, like I've got to fuck it. I'm going to open this up and just like fucking get ready to get angry again kind of thing. I open up the message and I'm actually just going to send you the screenshot and you can read the message out. So I'm pretty fucked off, right? Yep.

Here's the message. You just heard me send you the screenshot. Read aloud, please, for the class. Hey, Tony. Just wanted to send this before I forgot. That's not a great opening line. No. I've been asked to organise a book and author event for my school

and was wondering if you could help me out. Great. We're heading to Melbourne and organising a scavenger hunt for books and I'm wondering if you know of any court... hunt for books and I'm wondering if you know of any core where this is a lesson about 0 to 100 Tony not being fucking good for you.

We're heading to Melbourne and organising a scavenger hunt for books and wondering if you know any cool bookstores since you live in Melbourne. Around a certain area would be preferable. Okay. So she doesn't know you've written a book.

She doesn't give a fuck. No. About big, fancy. And fucking you had the gall 30 seconds ago to ask why are you not on my side? Because I know zero to 100, Tony. I know assumption, Tony. And most of them are right, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they're wrong. And, oh, boy, this one is very fucking wrong.

Hey, mate, this is what she said. Hey, friend from high school, apparently you live in this town I'm heading over to. Yep. You know that girl we met in Jakarta the other week? How normal? She was in Melbourne and then she came to Melbourne for holidays. Mel. Mel, yes. and what happens when

someone's coming to town you go oh where are you staying i'll give you a restaurant recommendation yeah totally oh are you staying around that area there's a great place to go for breakfast yeah so she goes oh i'm doing this thing for work who do i know in melbourne oh i'm pretty sure tony lives in melbourne i went to high school with her. I remember her. She was nice. If I asked her before she got too fucking famous and big for people like me, I bet if I ask if there's a cool little fun place in Melbourne, she'll be able to give me

the heads up. Yeah, so not only was I not being asked to be a guest of honour at some shit event that I didn't want to go to. You have not been invited to be the guest. She didn't even know I'd written a book. No.

And couldn't give half a fuck about who I am now, except for the fact that me living in Melbourne might be a bit more reliable than Google. Fucking hell. And, you know, I've got, say, some friends moved to Queensland who I hadn't spoken to for 10 years. For me, it would be nothing to go, hey, mate, did you move to Queensland a bunch of years ago? Me and my wife are coming up for holidays.

Is this hotel, is that area all right? Yeah. I'm like, hey, mate, how you been? Yeah, it's pretty normal. Yeah, it's pretty safe around there. Yeah, the beach is really nice. Great. It's a pretty normal question, yeah.

Yeah. So have you replied? Yeah, so I replied and I went. What did you say? I went, oh, there's some really cool places around South Melbourne that I've been before, whatever, and then she just replied and she was like, oh, cool, thanks. Hope you're well. No, just thanks.

And what's the lesson we've learned here? Because sometimes jokingly but also sometimes like not jokingly, we have discussed zero to 100 Tony. Yep. Where sometimes it's just like a little tidbit of something might not be as you planned and that'll just fucking send you right off. Yep. Now, again, a lot of the times it's justified and it's correct and whatever. Like, I mean, nothing's perfect in this world and we have to deal with a lot of bullshit.

Beautiful. Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. Choose what you give fucks about. Yes. What have you learned from your experience as being a famous author who's so heavily in demand and every single human being in Perth is so envious and jealous of your wealth, fame and success? What have you learned from this?

First of all, can I just say it makes me sound like I've just got the biggest ego. You don't, but it does sound like it. No, I know, I know, and that's why I want to try and defend myself. I wouldn't be fucking executing myself publicly like this if I didn't think that I... Meet you at the town square at midday. Exactly.

It's not about the... It was like the first part of the message that I read does it not read as though she's asked me for a fucking favour in that way. Oh, absolutely it does. And as I said, it's not a great opening line. No, it's not. But then I guess the thing that I've learnt is to open the message before you assume you know what it says.

The first two lines kind of, you know. And then I guess maybe I could not take things so personally maybe. Is, and this isn't me like trying to be, honestly, me trying to be a dick because, again, the first two lines you saw, it was a bit of an eye roll for me. Yeah. Often you get placed in a situation where, and when I say you I mean like people.

The royal you. Where you've got a choice between I can get fucked off or I can inquire further. Yeah. And it's actually really easy just to get fucked off, but often just inquiring further. Like when people go, where the fuck is this thing? And you go, oh, she's sitting over there.

And you go, oh, okay. Instead of going, hey, do you know what that thing is? So maybe a little read the message, maybe an inquire. But that's the thing with zero to 100. What I'm describing is zero to 10 to 20 to 30. Yes, but Torbs had a fucking field day because I opened the message and I went, oh, don't worry. And he goes, what does it say?

You can't say don't worry when you fucking lit Torbs up the night before. And I'm sure he felt the wrath. No, because I was just like, oh, no, don't worry about it. And he was like, what does it say? I'm invested now. I copped it for three hours last night. And he goes, what the fuck happened? And I was like, I'm feeling very humbled about this.

Good. Good. And did you ask if she'd seen the billboards? I was like, oh, yeah. Have you been around the city? Have you been to Yagan Square? Have you seen him on the back of any bus? No.

No, okay. That's weird. Been on the Spotify app usually. Sometimes when you open up way near the front. Right at the top. Yeah, okay. Oh Have you been to Jagen Square? Have you seen him on the back of any bus? No. No, okay, that's weird. Been on the Spotify app usually. Sometimes when you open up, we're near the front. We're at the top. Yeah, okay, no. Oh, you listen to Apple Music, okay. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, no. Anyway. Have you been to the Coles Deli where I used to work? Yeah. Yeah, no one telling you about how well I'm doing? I went to WAPA. Yeah, okay. I actually dated Robin Pattinson.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, have you heard about that? She's like, who? She's a primary teacher. What a wholesome fucking great job that is. And we got along well at school. And that's why I was more offended that I was like, hey, you haven't even, you know. Are you offended now that she didn't mention it?

After I responded, she then said, oh, and I see you've got a book out. And then she goes, oh, not out till March. Oh, sorry, did your book come out last week? Yeah.. Well, the book's due next week, mate. Oh, sorry, did your book come out last week? Yeah. When did your fucking book come out, mate? January. I'm about to bend her over.

Yeah, sorry about that. Anyway, just thought I'd share. Thank you. Thank you. Well, from the most humbling and great story, I've actually got the funniest tweet of all time. Great. I thought about it all weekend and I'm scared.

Although I was scared yesterday you wouldn't like the aeroplane jokes. No, you were hoping that I wouldn't. Yeah, see, I don't know how this would go either. Okay. But it's from Bill Chopik, who is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Michigan State. And before you ask, yes, he has a PhD. Yeah, I bet he does.

Which stands for? Pretty huge dick. Now, would you expect an associate professor of psychology at Michigan State to be the writer of the funniest tweet of all time? As an author myself. Congratulations on the book. Probably not. He actually...

Not on purpose. Oh, my God. I also need to let you know, just so it doesn't get awkward later, he hasn't actually started the tweet congratulating you on the book. He's just got straight into it. That one will be on the way. It's fine. Recently, I was on a date and the date said they were an INTJ

on the bogus Myers-Briggs theory scale. You know the Myers-Briggs. Oh, the personality thing. Yeah. And keep in mind, this guy is a professor of psychology and like. Sure. And he's just said it's bogus. Yeah.

I told her I'm a PhD in psychology. I refuse to entertain some unscientific typology of personality with dubious scientific backing. Oh, God. Imagine sitting down and ordering a drink and going, fucking hell. Like imagine sitting down with that person going, that's the kind of day we're in for, yep. Yeah.

And you know how sometimes you just say yes to things because you're like really nice and you've said like sometimes and you've got to set some boundaries and and whatever like offering to pay for an uber because i don't want to buy a car yeah and then sometimes you say no and you go oh i'm proud of myself because i set a boundary and so obviously the professor has some similar things that he's working yeah and he said i i took a lot of pride in expressing my needs in that moment because ordinarily he would just like entertain it even though he didn't believe in it yeah and he goes i took pride in expressing my needs good as a pisces i really struggle with that and that fucking did me in for the whole

weekend that's very funny like i'd be doing something i was emptying the dishwasher a few hours later and i was like, Professor Bill. Outstanding. Very good. I'm sorry that wasn't as funny as I thought it would be. No, no, I liked that. What do you love to see today, Tony? Is it that your friend from high school is now a primary teacher and she's involved in the literary scene and doing a great job?

My love to see it is this tweet that I saw, and it's a guy sitting and knitting. And the caption is, today I found out through Facebook that the overnight security guard at my work knits boots and mittens for premature babies at the Royal Hospital. He posts them worldwide. And I'm just going to show you a picture. It's not credited, unfortunately,

and it's just this guy who just sits there, does overnight security, and he just sits there knitting booties for babies in the hospital. Doesn't that melt your fucking heart? Isn't that so fucking sweet? Now, I feel like I've been a bit of a devil's advocate this whole episode, and I don't like that. I don't like that.

However, should this guy be keeping an eye on proceedings in the hospital? Oh, she'd be fine. She'd be right. Someone stole the fucking x-ray machine. Yeah. Where's Steve? Look at all these little babies. Did you see anything?

Did you see anything, Steve? No, but check out these. I did a pink frill on the ankle. Yeah, these yellow ones are nice, aren't they? That is actually adorable. Yeah, it's very, very sweet. Did you say this for premature babies? Yeah, so like preemie babies that like obviously...

Need a lot of warmth and love and hugs. I mean... And because they're so small. Is it just me or like when you see a regular booty, because they're so small anyway, you're just like, oh my God. As if there's a smaller baby than this, yeah. Like doesn't it just melt your heart? Like imagine a little smaller baby with a little feet.

Oh my God. But it's very sweet. So Like, imagine a little, it's all about a little feet. Oh, my God. But it's very sweet. So, yeah, he spends his time. And, I mean, you love to see someone doing a hobby on company time, basically. Actually, you know what? Now that you've said it that way, I love to fucking see that. Hey, mate, you're paying me for eight hours.

Don't tell me what to fucking do. Yeah, well, what am I going to do? Sit here and twiddle my thumbs? Might as well do something useful. Yeah. And what is the manager going to say? Stop making booties for premature babies. Could you imagine the outrage? Imagine that.

Or they go, oh, what's his name? What do we call him? Steve. Brian. Brian. Oh, Bruce, his name is? Bruce. Of course it is.

Bruce, there was a bit of a disturbance out in the back. Do you want the preemie babies to have cold feet? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Do you hate children? Do you hate babies? Yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Oh, no, no you hate children? Do you hate babies? Yeah. Oh, I see.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And they're like, oh, no, no, it's fine, Bruce. I'll go do it myself. We'll figure it out. Yeah. You know what?

He's fucking cornered them. Exactly. And what are they going to do? Fire the guy who makes premmie... Exactly. This is actually the best you'll ever see. I know. I know.

It's better than fucking Professor Bill's tweet. That's for fucking sure. So good for you, Bruce. We're very proud of you and you fucking love to say that. Good on you, Bruce. Good on you, Bruce. All right. Vice Captain of the ship Ryan

and famous author Tony Lodge signing out. Tomorrow we'll be back with another embarrassing story of mine and Audio Queen. Oh yeah, do you want to change that up? Nah. Do we just pencil in

Tony, good news. Or Ryan, bad news. That would be good as well. I've told some harrowing stories on here. And whilst I agree. I'm keeping it real. Thank you. No, thank you for bringing it to the table.

Actually, thank you. I cannot. This is fantastic. Great. All right. I'm going to message her after and say thank you for bringing comedy to the show. I love you, bye.