Toni and Ryan - HR doesn't want j😱zz

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

You get to meet Comedy Carmody, hear an ATROCIOUS first date from Dr Kelly and a bit of a shit story too. Love ya so much - thanks for all of your support in 2021, see ya in 2022 you beautiful babies!!! Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to come in a little, speaking? Hello, this is Tony and Ryan calling from Melbourne, Australia. How are you? I'm good, thanks, mate. How are you? We're well, kia ora. Kia ora, Tony. So nice to chat.

I'm so glad you've got your tartingers on. Have you had some breakfast and filled up your puku? My puku is well and truly filled and satisfied for once. Good, good, good. Now, I'm giving you permission to be extremely honest. Every time we speak to someone from New Zealand or New Zealand comes up, Tony gets all chuffed about her own work with the language. She's dropping some local knowledge like before

and she's pumping her arms, going, look at me, go with my New Zealand chat. How accurate is Tony's language when talking about New Zealand? Do you know what? When I listen to her, I'm like, fuck, she might be more Maori than me. Oh, my God. We will not shut her up now. That is such a compliment. New Zealand is literally my motherland, I think.

Like, it's not my home. We will definitely claim you, that's for sure. Yes, because it's not my home, but I love it. And the people that I love more than anyone in the world, my best friend's Jag and Lane, they're in New Zealand. I thought you were going to say my wife. But, no, you said some other people. Sorry.

Yeah, no. Yeah, that's awkward. And you know Tony's friends because everyone in New Zealand knows each other. Is that what you're saying, Cassidy? Well, yeah, kind of, yeah, basically. You know what, six people and a few sheets. Yeah. When I lived in the U.S., I don't know if I've mentioned that before,

but I used to live in the U.S, people just assumed in Australia there was like two houses and it's like you're either in one or you live next door to the other guy. Like, oh, I've met a guy from Broome. You know Steve, right? You know Carl. You know him. And you're like, mate, it's like a literal massive, massive place. And also that there's like a hundred kangaroos

per person. And is that why you married a Kiwi, Ryan? Just because you were related to everybody else and all? Oh, glad you guys are just having a great time together. Well, actually, he doesn't know his family history because he was adopted, so thanks for bringing that up. They might be related, we're just not sure. And I've often found it's best not to ask.

Yeah, I mean, if they're willing to do it, you know, let's just, you know, keep our mouths shut. Yeah, or quite the opposite. Oh, my God. Fucking tight five from you, mate. Love that. I do have a confession as well, sorry. Oh, yes.

So I'm pro-Tony on basically everything that happens. So I think it was like a couple of podcasts ago, we were talking about if we get 1,000 new subscribers to Patreon, you guys will go for a run. But also we will get the clarification on what's happening with this towel story. So I, you know, I obviously have so much money to burn. I was like, you know what?

I'm just going to sign up to Patreon under different email addresses. Oh, no. So I am Ryan PoopTow. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! My mortal enemy is on the phone! We thought the name was a coincidence. My God!

Can you please send us your birth certificate? I can't believe it. I thought I would go to my grave not knowing who my mortal enemy, the fruit towel on Patreon is. And all this time we were doing that fun chat before for a few minutes and you knew all along you had that deep, dark secret. Yeah, and I knew that the phone call was coming and I was like, I think, you know, Ryan's life seems pretty difficult,

so let's just, you know, rip it off. Rip the band-aid off. Well, thanks for your $4, mate. Well, I'll cancel it after this month. Oh, great, so we can't pay rent anymore? Yeah, no, just for the poop towel account. But actually, so when this goes out, right, it's the 30th of December. Yes, yes.

So we actually don't know the results yet. It would be so awkward if no one signs up and then there's just no shit story. Well, because we won't know the final number until the 31st of December. So we won't know whether we hit the 1,000 till tomorrow. So I wish that this was like some unveiling, but you'll have to wait till next week to find out if we've called the hairdressers. Stay tuned.

Hooking you through. You'll have to wait till next year. Oh, don't tell me. No. Don't. Oh, no. They're my favourite jokes. Oh, yeah.

I'm starting to feel a lot. You're basically a middle-aged dad in a young woman's body, aren't you? Oh, a young woman's body. Why, what have you heard? This is Ryan's poop towel. Still shocked, but I approve this message. I know I'm competing with Tony the Audio Queen. Yeah.

And professional voiceover artist. Do you still do much VO stuff? I haven't. It's a lot of work, isn't it? Okay. I love doing it though. So we're both going to do a dramatic intro to the season finale. Oh, okay. Of 2021. I mean, we'll be back on Monday, but it just sounds dramatic. Next year.

Please don't. They are my favourite. I actually refuse to not do them because they are my favourite jokes. Well, for you, as a present, at the end of this episode, I'll drop a see you next year, everyone. You want that? You don't want that. I do want that. It's for you. I'm just thinking about a great joke for next week.

Are you going to say I haven't seen you since last year? You're such a loser. You are such a loser. I'm going to get introducers. Okay. It's time for the final podcast episode of the year for Tony and Ryan 2021, take it away, Ryan.

Ooh, I like that. I like that. I don't do a very good dramatic. You'd be a retail read? I don't have a, oh, yeah, I can do that. 55% off at Harvey Norman in Buzzle 10. Come on down. You are good at that.

Yes, I can do that. No fucking problems. I wish I could do that movie trailer voice. Oh, same. I'd never get anything done. I can hear it in my mind and I'm imagining when I talk that's what it's going to sound like, but it doesn't. Would you like to listen to the thing?

It's the final show of the year. It's the final show of the year. That's pretty good. Did you live in America? Fuck off. All right, let's get started. Let's get started. The final show of the year, starting with,

which has been a real highlight of my year, is hearing about awful first dates because I feel like we've all had awful first dates, but hearing other people have shit first dates makes me feel better. Yeah, and it surprised me the kind of dates people have lived through. Do you know what I mean? Live through. Like you hear these stories and you're like,

how on earth are you still talking to other humans? What are you looking at? Is there a moth? Sorry, there's a flashing neon light in the studio. There's New Year's Eve vibes in here. There is, yeah. It's party time. So I got this story through on Instagram from Kelly.

People might remember Kelly. She is the person who told me to put the stuff on my nipple. Oh. Yeah, so she's not a doctor. She works in HR. Great. Thanks for the advice. Thanks, Kelly, though.

Great to hear from you. She goes, I actually work in HR. How boring, eh? Anyway. Your story, mate. I meet a guy on Tinder. We get on... Do you want me to tell this story like a voiceover?

All right. I meet a guy on Tinder. We get on super well. Would you like me to react as like a supportive friend? Sure. We go on a date. Oh. We decide to go for a drive along the water and chat.

Oh, that's so nice. It's super fun. I bet it was. It starts to get late so I offer to drive him home. He accepts. Long story short, we're in his driveway doing that awkward chatting while thinking are we going to kiss or not? Just go for it, girl.

He leans in and in a super sexy voice says, I really want to kiss you but I want to show you something first. My dick. Before I can even comprehend what he's saying, his dick is now out of his pants. I was joking when I said that. I'm so sorry. I actually don't think I can do the rest in the voice

because it's so fucked. Callie, I'm sorry I stole your punchline. I thought that was so far-fetched. No, I know. So that can't be true. I actually can't do the rest in the voiceover voice because it's so fucked. So hang on.

It's awkward. As in, like, do we kiss, do we not kiss? It's awkward. And he just goes, oh, I know, to, like, ease the tension. Well, because we've all been in the car at the end of a date and gone, like, do I make a move or do I just go, ha-ha, loved the pizza we ate before the movie. Message me later.

Yeah, oh, drive home safe. Like, anyway, before I can even comprehend, says Kelly, what he is saying, his dick is now out of his pants. I tell him I'm not comfortable with this and would like for him to put it away. Fair enough. Yeah. Also, imagine having to say that.

Oh, yeah. Like, usually. Read the room. I'm going to assume you need to make sure it's very clear and very welcome that they want your dick out. Yeah. You don't get it out and then they decide. Otherwise, leave it in until you think it's necessary.

Thank you very much. I tell him I'm not comfortable with this and would like him to put it away. This grown-ass 28-year-old man gets out of the car, shuts the door... Is his dick still out? ...smacks his penis against my passenger side window and finishes on my car door.

Hang on, hang on. What do you mean finishes? What do you reckon? The mayonnaise isn't staying in the bottle. Do you know what I mean? How did he get from zero to that stage? Well, I think the people that aggressively get their dick out probably have, you know, other issues.

Anyway. So he smushes. Slaps it on the door, jizzes on the window. Yeah, he smushes his fucking flaccid cock on the window. Well, it's obviously not flaccid. Well, oh, yeah, true. I don't know. I don't want kids, so I don't understand it.

Closes the door, smacks his penis against my passenger side window and immediately finishes on my car. I'm in total shock. I drive home totally confused. Wouldn't you be in tears and screaming and terrified? You would just be like, call fucking Stephanie and tell her what's just happened. I get to work the next day and see I have interviews to conduct.

No! Because he works in HR! You know where this is going. Oh, my fucking God. He is sitting in our boardroom. Needless to say, he tried to leave immediately. Kelly's got a question here. Yeah.

Should I have confronted him or nah? She didn't say anything. So he just left? So I guess he was just like, oh, awkward, I've got to go. Is it a one-on-one interview? He doesn't say. I'm guessing no. I would bring them in and pretend like nothing ever happened

because I don't want this scoundrel to get away with it. Yeah. I want to bring him in, go through the formalities. Yes. So he's stressing. Act professional. He's sweating over this thing. He's literally sweating.

He's just come on her car. Come on her car. Come on her car. And, all right, so this is what happens. Oh, yep, previous experience. What would you do in a situation like this? Blah, blah, blah. And then right at the end, go, oh, we've got a couple

of character questions here. Yeah. It's multiple choice. Yeah, when was the last time you fucking came on someone's car? And then just leave it there. And just wait for them to answer. I like that. But I'm upset with Kelly that she didn't get the chance

to confront him over that because that's actually fucking disgusting and lewd behaviour. It is. That's not okay. No. And imagine if it was somebody who maybe, because Kelly, you know, she sounds like a tough bird. Yep.

You know, she can hold her own. Imagine if it wasn't someone that could hold their own, that you'd be fucking traumatised. You shouldn't need to be holding anyone's own. But you'd be fucking traumatised by that at the best of times, let alone if you were, you know, say you'd just come out of a long relationship, it's the first time you've trusted a boy and you're like, I'm going to kiss this guy,

and then all of a sudden he's fucking jizzing in your face in the bloody car. Not okay. Not okay, not okay. It's the logistics for me. I want to know how he goes from sitting in a car to being able to finish in that short amount of time. Well, maybe Kelly, maybe this is a hyperbole.

Maybe he stood there, smooshed it up, and then fucking jerked off for a bit. But like is she just. Sorry for saying that. Especially so passionately. Yeah, I did. And I did a hand thing as well. Yeah, and you aimed the finish at me as you said it. Yeah, it was a lot.

So say it does take, even if it's a minute. Yeah. Is she just sitting there for the minute? Well, you wouldn't start driving because you'd just be in shock. Wouldn't you start driving? I'd be driving 400 k's an hour any direction. No, I'd be sitting there like, what the fuck is going on? This is so strange.

It's the weirdest story, right? Oh, my God. And then to have been, you know, in that amazing position. Did she have to clean the jizz off the car? I'm guessing so. It probably cost her a fucking $165 to get it covered. $14 for parking. Shit.

Kelly, you know, if we were in the business of doing a date refund, we would be sending you some cash for that. Jason PJ did it. Oh, did they? Yeah, that's why I said. Great idea. Great idea. Because I was looking for that. Tony, that's a great idea. some cash for that. Jason PJ did it. Oh, did they? Yeah, that's what I said. Great idea. Great idea. Because I was looking at it, Tony, that's a great idea.

We should do that. Yeah, so people used to call up and be like, this is the bad date I went on, and we'd be like, how much did it cost you? And they'd be like, oh, 80 bucks, and we'd give them the money. It's a great idea, but it's already been done. It was 40 for the pizza, 160 for the car clean, and my window's pregnant.

Yeah, and so we'd give them 200 bucks. 200 bucks. Yeah. Callie, I'm sorry that that happened, Callie. Yeah, and so we give her 200 bucks. 200 bucks. Yeah. Callie, I'm sorry that that happened, Callie. Yeah. It's a really fucked story. And if you ever, I think that I would just like to say that if anybody's in the position where they get to confront somebody who has sexually

harassed them in this kind of way and you're in a safe place, do it. Make them fucking. Could you imagine she's in there, three or four other people from HR. Because you're in the position of power in that situation. Oh, that's what I mean, absolutely. Yeah, and you're safe because you're in your workplace. Or just at the end, like, oh, this is going very well. Is it true that last night when we went out on a Tinder date

and I turned you down, you masturbated on my car window? Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. So we just wanted to check if you're sexually attracted to cars because you actually came on mine yesterday. Could you imagine the look on the other people's face in the interview? The fucking CEO is sitting there and he's like,

Kelly, that is so inappropriate. She's like, don't worry, I'm a doctor. Hi, guys, this is Comedy from Wellington. You are listening to Tony and Ryan and I approve this podcast. Next Monday. Yes. Next year. Oh, fuck. That's so not funny.

It's so funny. Yeah, okay, okay. Oh. Next year we will have a final tally of how many Patreons we have, how many official paid-up tarpers. Yep. So you have until midnight of the 31st of December to join. And if we get to 1,000,

not only will we run two metres per person who has signed up and is paying, but if we get to 1,000, not only will we run two metres per person who are signed up and he's paying, but if we get to 1,000, which I really, really want to, Ryan has promised that he will call the hairdresser. We will call the hairdresser. Sorry, yeah, we will both be on the line. You'll probably do most of the talking. As if I will fucking help you out of that mess, mate.

That's all you. You came on her car. You've got to deal with it. Just to bring you up to speed, I was at a hairdresser's house. I went to the bathroom. There was no toilet paper. I panicked. I used a towel.

Don't judge me. We've already been over this. And then you just turned the towel around. You didn't say anything. You just got your hair cut and then left like a filth wizard. If we get over 1,000 Patreons. I really hope we do. We're going to call her.

Yes. And you guys will obviously get to hear that call and it's going to be very good. Oh, it makes me sick just thinking about it. I feel sick to my stomach. And the people that are already paying, we say a big thank you to Lane, Maximilian Linker, the big link.

The big link. Melanie Crabtree, Emily O'Dell and Alexander Lang. And a fun fact about Alexander Lang is that he was our first ever champion topper. Really? Yep. What a legend. Just a little fact.

It was great to have Carmody from Wellington, New Zealand, on this week. How great was Carmody? Amazing. Comedy Carmody. Comedy Carmody, as we like to say. Before they outed themselves as a multiple Patreon, because they're the poop towel.

Yes, they are the poop towel. I actually messaged the poop towel not knowing who they were on Patreon. Oh, under their disguise. I just said, hey, it's Ryan. If you are who you say you are, I'm sorry. Oh, comedy comedy would have appreciated that for sure. And they replied, and keep in mind their name is Ryan's Poop Towel, at least I got to see dat ass one last time before being tossed aside.

Oh, my God. I love the character development of the towel. It's from Liverpool. Liverpool is like. So to finish off the year on a high note. And not on a car. That was fucking comedy comedy for me. That was comedy comedy.

Yeah. Okay. Finish off the year. Actually, I probably shouldn't use her name. Oh. Macy Goans. I was going to say Macy Moans, but there's been enough moans this week, I reckon.

Macy Goans. Hey, Ryan, thanks for sharing your story about the poop towel. Whilst I think you're awful. Fair. I mean. She is not wrong. I'm not in a position to disagree. They are not wrong. Sorry, Macy Goans. We don't know who they are. I'm not in a position to disagree. They are not wrong.

Sorry, Macy Gones, we don't know who they are. No, it's a female. Okay. I've got my own horrific story to share, and I feel like you've given me permission with your story for me to share mine. Okay, well, Macy Gones, that makes me very happy that we've offered you this safe space.

I love how earlier in the week you normalised talking about pregnancy and wanting children and I've normalised shitting on people's towels. It's not okay. We're all normalising things that need to be brought out. We also talked about how we should normalise saying that's shit when someone dies. We really covered a lot of hot topics this week.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. See you in the finale. Never know what you're going to get. Macy, today after five months at work, I thought I would let my guard down and actually poo in the work toilets. And you've talked about, Tony, the anxiety and people judging each other and how long have they been in there and you're not wanting your colleagues to know.

I just feel shit. Oh. No, no, no. The toilets are really close to where people sit and walk past. Babe. I feel you. They are at my new work as well. Are they?

Yeah. You guys are moving soon though, right? Yeah, we are. Thank God for that. Literally because the other day when I went into the office, I couldn't have a coffee in the morning because I was like, I know that I'll shit. And then you can't shit in the office?

No. I couldn't work in a place like that? No. It's where people sit and walk by, so it's really important to be quick and quiet so you don't get caught out. Oh, doll. Been there. Yep.

I try to be as quick as possible by doing the Olympic diver face, pushing it all up. Like, you know how Olympic divers, like, scrunch their face up? And push all of it really fast with silent grit. Oh, my God. You'd probably give yourself a fucking anal fissure. I got a few logs out relatively quick, says Macy. A few logs out.

But I was wary of the time, so I cut it short, wipe as fast as I can, and I flush. Hmm, that's weird, thinks Macy. Not a lot of water pressure. Oh, no, I think. I quickly flush again and I try to disguise it as the first flush. You know, you've got to keep the two flushes quick near each other so it just sounds like a follow-on flush.

Yeah, because otherwise if people know you've double flushed, they know that you've done a big shoot. After the second flush, it doesn't help. There is still one log remaining. And in Macy's words, staring brazenly up at me in defiance. She's given the poo a personality. I've already flushed twice. Everyone can hear the flushes.

You can't go again. No way. I can't flush a third time. People will be able to hear. I weigh up my options. I reluctantly decide I only have one option left. Toni, do you want to hazard a guess? This is what I would do.

Pick the poo up and put it in the sanitary bin, like the tampon bin. Is that what she did? Oh, no. I fish out and so thank you, Carmody. No, not Carmody. Not Carmody. Macy Gones. Macy Gones.

For the poeticness of this story. Oh, yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah, you can tell that she's well read. I fish that stubborn log out with some paper towel and I smoosh it as far down into the bin as I possibly can. I'm now back to my desk, red-faced, heart-pounding, that somehow someone might find that log and I'm going to have to awkwardly talk about who could have done it.

Why would any sane person put their poo in a work toilet bin? This happened yesterday and I don't know if it's still there and I still don't know if I've got away with the perfect crime. Perfect crime. The most perfect crime of all. I will keep you updated. Please. Next year.

Next year. We'll get you through. We'll get you through. Macy Gomes. There's Macy Gomes. Holy fuck. Hooking you through. Hooking you through. Macy Gomes. There's Macy Gomes. Holy fuck. That's a story. Oh.

I would have flushed a third time. In that situation, do you, situation, I might have watched this. I'll leave a float up. Well, yeah, or do you go, guys, the toilet's not flushing. I just did a wee. The toilet paper won't go down. Just letting everyone know don't use this toilet and then just cover it with toilet paper.

Maybe that's another option. I think I've done that before and just covered a poo with toilet paper and then just ditched. Or move jobs. Yeah, quit. Macy going to the new job. Macy Jones needs a new job. Macy. Oh, my love.

That's very... Oh, I really want to know if the food's still there. I need to know. Find out next year? Yeah. Oh, hang on. Are we, like... The final.

No, I don't think the drone's right. Let's stick with the regular. The final, you love to see it, of 2021. How's the year been, mate? This is actually... Had a few jobs, had a big year for you. It has been a really big year. Yep.

I'm feeling very emotional about this. I didn't think that I would be feeling emotional. Is it the right music for the emotions? No, I think so because it's our old faithful. Yeah. It has been a very big year. Another big year of lockdowns for us in Melbourne as well, which has been tough.

And to be honest, I can't believe that we've only been making this podcast for, you know, a couple of months. It's wild. It's really wild. And I don't want to be that guy. You're going to be that guy. It's changed my life. Has it?

What do you mean? I mean, you can afford to get your car washed now. Yeah, I mean, I couldn't before. I would have had to bloody not pay rent for a whole week. You've got a finance team. But, yeah, it is something that I've just always wanted and thought I'll get there one day and I feel like we're doing it and it just feels awesome.

It does feel good. And I love that I get to do this with you every week and that people love it. Last week, Tony messaged me and said, I feel so lucky to do this with you. And I replied saying, I agree, you are so lucky to do this with me. So if that gives you an insight into what it's like here. I'm just the vice captain.

I'm the buddy to your bread, mate. Yeah, don't you fucking forget it. I fucking won't. Feels like maybe you're out of step there. You know right, you're right. I'm getting ahead of myself. But I guess why you love to see it for the whole year, looking back, has been this podcast as a whole,

but the way that it's improved my life. Like, I feel so much more confident. I'm really happy. I'm loving what we're doing, and it just feels great to be able to have all these new friends that listen to our podcast. I love it. I absolutely love it. It's really nice.

Mine is very similar. It's allowed to be. I expected it as much. But it's actually the same because at the start of this year, maybe 13 months ago, I met someone named Tony Lodge and I thought this person is hilarious. More people need to know just how hilarious this person is. And do you remember we were sitting at our old workplace in the office

and you hadn't posted a TikTok in like four or five months and you said, what if I post something on the internet and no one likes it? Then I'll feel really shit. Yeah, and I'd be really embarrassed. And I was like, mate, you're the fucking funniest person I've ever seen or met. Post it and people will love it.

And I'm glad that everyone, or everyone, I mean, literally hundreds of thousands of people are getting to experience just how funny and fun Tony Lodge is. That's what I love to see. That's very sweet. I do regret not keeping to myself. It was nice having little personal shows. Now we have to do it for others.

No, but I mean, it gives us a reason. Yeah. To do it. Otherwise it's just us floating. When I tell my wife, when I tell my wife, me and Tony are just going into a small dark room to say pick up lines at each other. She's like, oh. Is that for a purpose? I'm like, oh, a podcast?

She's like, can you just bring food back when you're at my house? But I know it sounds cheesy, but this has been the beginning of something so amazing and the best way to end the year with you. So I'm very grateful. See you next year, mate. See you next year. See you on Monday. No, see you next year mate see you see you on Monday no see you next year see you next year see you next year 2020 meown all over