Toni and Ryan - Human Grade Podcast

Episode Date: September 1, 2024

Ryan and I overheard something we DEFINITELY weren't supposed to hahahaha and some good human grade FUN. Love you!!! Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge and we are calling Troy who's in Belleville, Ontario, Canada. Just say Ontario. Just say Canada. Yeah. Just say Troy's place. Just say, yeah, Big T's house. Do you reckon he goes by Big T? If he plays football, probably. T-Bone. Give him a T-Bone and see how he likes the apples. T-Bone! Troy? Hello, Troy. He hated it.

He did like T-Bone. Will someone approve this episode? I'll call big T-Bone back. Ryan, maybe you should do the talking. Hello? Troy, it's Tony and Ryan. Can you hear us? I can hear you now.

Perfect. Now, Troy, have you ever been called T-Bone before? Because Tony's backed that in hard as your new nickname. T-Bone. I've never been called that before. We're backing in T-Bone. What are you up to, Troy? I'm just working.

So, you know, sneaking off to answer this phone call. So am I right in saying that you're a restaurant owner? I am, yes. What's like the... I own my own pizza restaurant. Oh, my gosh. That's awesome. What's your like signature dish?

Is there the T-Bone special or something on there? Yeah, that's on the R-rated menu. No, we have a pizza that's called the Barbecue Chicken Fiesta. Barbecue Chicken Fiesta. I feel like barbecue chicken, sometimes people will turn their nose up, but a barbecue chicken pizza will get me going. That's very you because you love a chicken wing. And I love a barbecue sauce.

Yeah, that's what I mean. So it's basically a chicken wing on a pizza without buns. Do you know what I mean? I'm going to need some cold water. Yeah. Now that you've said it like that, it's the ultimate evening. Well, T-Bone, we've lost Ryan. Will you approve today's episode?

I will definitely approve today's podcast. Yay! Hey, it's Troy from Ontario, Canada, and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today. We've been having a bit of advertising chat lately, that show The Gruen Transfer. Yeah. Good show about advertising.

Welcome to The Tarpon Transfer. Really? I've got some branding chat. Are you an advertising expert now? Yes. Yes. I can't believe you even had to ask, but yes. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I just thought, okay.

And are you pitching? You know how good I am at stuff. No one's more aware. Are you pitching today or are you just making an industry analysis, a comment? I love the term industry analysis. I would say industry analysis and observation. Some advice for a brand. Should I call-

That I'm not going to name. Should I call the marketing lecturers at Melbourne Business School where I'm doing my MBA? Do they need to take note? Is there something they can pass on? I'm just going to send this to them and they'll probably like put it into a textbook in the future. Or they'll just give you an A.

She doesn't even go here, but A. Yeah. Do they still do A, B, C? No. For you, they would give you an A. Oh. Ask me to never come back, maybe. That's what A stands for.

No, I thought it said put it in the app. That's coming up soon. How many A's did you get? I'm a tits and A's man. Yeah, I didn't get many A's but lots of B's. I didn't get many A's but heaps of B's. Vitamin A, vitamin D. Sorry.

Don't apologize, but I just. The advertising chat's coming up. Yeah. Are we on the ABC now doing the ground transfer? It's the tap and transfer. Tap and transfer. Speaking of Tony and I's professions, we've both worked in radio stations. Yes.

Television stations, theater productions. What is the golden rule about working in these places, Tony Lodge? Marks are always live. Now what that means is if you're in somewhere with a microphone. Assume someone can hear you. Someone can hear you. If there's a microphone around, don't say anything that you don't want anyone else to hear.

Don't be bitching about someone. Don't be saying nothing. Don't be talking all your awful things that you would only say in the privacy of your own home. Yeah. If there's a microphone around, assume there's someone somewhere is going to be able to hear you. Yeah, especially like so in the radio station,

like in the studios, obviously they were like quite well soundproofed yeah so if you ever needed to like take a phone call or have a private chat that's like there's no private chat well that's naturally where you would go because like open plan offices now no fucking privacy you've got to take a call from your fucking doctor and you go well i've got to hear about my hemorrhoids in the open plan office, I'll probably go into the studio. And then, obviously. The sound guy comes out and goes, how about that asshole? And goes, yeah, how's your eyes?

And we go, well, fuck, you know. Turns out it's now an H. Preparation H. Preparation H for hemorrhoids. Oh, it's all making sense. You are a marketing genius. I am. So we've had to wait to share this story because we had to wait for us to clear customs.

We had to wait for Sophie to clear customs. Yeah, which took a while. Longer than we thought. And we had to wait six days to ensure that we had. We just couldn't be linked to any crimes. Or linked biologically to Malaysian waters. Yeah. We really had to make sure that we were frankly.

You know the form it's like, have you been to the Caribbean or South America in the last six days and rolled in dirt? And you're like, it's a very specific question, but no. It is specific, isn't it? Got any fruit? No. $10,000 cash. Have you rolled in dirt or drank tequila in South America?

Are you bringing back any kava? Yeah. So now that we've passed all these things. Yeah. And we're clear. We are clear. And we've finally been able to think and reassess. And we've decided we're never going to go to Malaysia

for the rest of our lives. It's time to dox them and their people. Because we were, actually, do you want to go ahead and reveal what happened to us in Kuala Lumpur on the way home from the UK? On Malaysian turf? So we flew Malaysian Airlines to and from London. And it was actually like wonderful. I mean, I know.

The price was right, but it was actually legit. It was actually awesome. We're not doxing Malaysian Airlines, just a few of their staff. No, no, no. Was it their staff or was it airport staff? I think it was airport awesome and um we're not doxing malaysian airlines just a few of their staff no no no and was it their staff or i don't i think it was airport stuff okay but so we flew from melbourne to kl and then on to london heathrow and we did the same trip on the way back so this one we've done the long flight we land in kl and we only had like an hour and a half or two hours to kind of spare we end up going through security into our little gate and you're in just this like glass box. I hate the glass box.

There's no toilet. There's no water in there. Like you can't do anything. It's like re-security. And then so we're sitting in there and like we're supposed to be boarding in five minutes and then the plane we're getting on lands and we go, fuck, we're going to be here for another hour or so waiting to even board.

Unpack, repack, clean. And, like, I get it. But, wow, don't let us get in this glass box. Don't let us get in the glass case of emotion without drinks. And also, like, there's no Wi-Fi in there and we didn't have. Hawks game is about to start. But we didn't have any data. Hey, Ryan, what's the score?

Don't know. No idea. And anyway, so we any data or anything. Hey, Ryan, what's the score? Don't know. No idea. And anyway, so we're sitting in this glass case of emotion, as you put it, and someone makes a little announcement being like, attention, everybody, the flight's been delayed, so blah, blah, blah. Sala Madatang, delay. There's a delay. You're not going to be able to board for a while.

Like, thank you for your patience, blah, blah, blah. And then you hear a like, and they've hit the microphone button to turn it off only thing is it hasn't turned off and um then we hear like hello like the murmurings of like hi sir please show me your passport and your boarding pass um and half of it's in like some of them are speaking english to english um speaking passengers getting i'd say patience i'm like no not a hospital. It's close though. You don't know how the story ends.

Yeah. And then some of them, they're obviously speaking Malay. Yeah. And we are kind of sitting there, kind of half hearing like murmurings of whatever, but it's all like business tone and you go, fuck, they've left that microphone on. Ryan and I look at each other and we go, classic. Classic.

Do they know they've left that mic on? Because their one-on-one interactions are being heard by hundreds of people in the glass case of emotion. But the shape of the conversation, I don't understand what they're saying because they're not speaking English. But the shape of the conversation is like above board. Do you know what I mean? At the start. At the start. And then all of a sudden, obviously, everybody in the line has like cleared out. We're all sat down and standing around waiting to get on this thing. Then all of a sudden, obviously, everybody in the line has like cleared out.

We're all sat down and standing around waiting to get on this thing. And then the shape of the conversation turns to, did you hear that thing? They start bitching about people in the line. But in like, we can't understand the words, but we know what's going on. You can tell. I can hear someone saying, can you believe that girl's pants in any language? Yeah. And it was a bit pointed, wasn't it? It was. And it was kind of like, have you seen Jenny from Gate 2? Like, what a little mole.

What a bitch. She changed the roster and spoke to the manager and got the good shift instead of the bad shift. And that's why everyone hates fucking Jenny from Gate 2. Gate 2. And then you know that they've said something like, yeah, did you see what she was wearing last night at that party? And they start pissing themselves and they're just like one-arming each other.

You know when you're with a friend and you're like, and then that, and then that, and then that. They are riffing and they are. And they're getting higher and higher and higher. And they are burning Jenny from gate two down to the ground. Jenny can't walk now because of what they've done. Anyway. She's in the burns unit.

All of a sudden, that's why we're at the hospital. All of a sudden, Ryan and I are looking at each other like, that is fucking juicy. I wish that we knew what they were saying. Then we start to clock all the people around us that are like laughing and smiling and I'm like, they fucking know it. Like they can understand. The Malay passengers were like fucking right on.

It's like a roast is happening to Jenny from fucking Gate 2. I don't know how to say Dr. Phil in Malay, but it was an episode of that. All of a sudden, and there's, you know, everyone's quite calm. Then this one guy sprints across the glass box and basically fucking rugby tackles these two girls to the fucking floor. And all you hear is microphones on, microphones on. Yeah. And then hits the button again. Now, I think in our time we've all heard the saying,

the silence was deafening. You could cut the tension with a fucking old banana peel. I wonder what the line was that finally triggered the security guard to go and tackle them because I reckon it was one of these ones. And then do you remember what she did after the Christmas party? And he goes, oh, I know what she did. No one can hear that. I know what's coming.

And then he's like. It was like a film. It was honestly insane. But I would pay good fucking money to know what they'd said. Like, I just would have loved to. Oh, unless it was about me. Then you'd rather not know. They're like, oh, did you see that girl in the track pants?

Can you believe that? It was that white chick wearing Birkenstocks on a plane. I've got, oh, I had blisters on my feet. That's what I said in Bahasa. Hey, it's Troy from Ontario, Canada, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Blood blisters on my face. That's what I said in Bahasa. Yeah. Hey, it's Troy from Ontario, Canada, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

Heaps of stuff over at our Patreon. You can check it out at any time. The links are in our show notes. Leslie Nectal, thank you. Did she? Sarah Van An, Sian, Elizabeth Hedegaard, Corey Collins, Ken and Craig Bennett. Thank you very much for being part of our Patreon. We get a few more names with the C or a K at the start.

That'd be great. That was a lot of chat, wasn't it? Yeah. Sorry about that. That's all right. Craig, Kenny, Kelly and Clarkson. Craig was right. Kelly Clarkson was in there.

Have you ever met Kelly Clarkson? Yeah. Like, did you ever interview her or anything? Did you actually? Yeah. Was she really nice? Yeah. She goes, you know, Tony?

I go, yeah. And she goes, what a good bitch. I went, yeah. That was kind of the extent of it, actually. Mine was a genuine question. Genuine question. Genuine question, what a good bitch. And I went, yeah. That was kind of the extent of it actually. Mine was a genuine question. Genuine question. Genuine question. All right, Tony.

Hang on, let me just get on the phone. Hello, Melbourne Business School Marketing Department. The future is here. I present fellow professor. Scholar. Scholar, fellow Tony Lodge. Yes. Thank you.

I'm in high esteem Over at Melbourne Business School So I recently Have joined The team at the advertising department So recently Pippa, as we know, my French Bulldog She's about three years old

She's a beautiful little angel She is the light of our lives She is our only child And you can tell. And you can tell. She is an only child. She's got a bit of chud. She only eats salmon.

And this is probably, you know. Yeah, it must be tough. So she gets really bad allergies when she has chicken. She has regular people food. Don't we all? And so we tried a few things. You know those annoying people at a cafe being like, excuse me, have these beans been dried in a sea salt?

Okay, calm down, gluten-free. Calm down, gluten-free. Have these almonds been activated? What does that mean? It doesn't mean anything. It's great advertising and this is where we begin. But Pippa's that person at a cafe, at our home with Tony. She would too.

Tony comes home with unactivated almonds and Pippa just shits on her. I put the food down. She goes, no. Anyway, so she only eats salmon and it's been actually quite a long road to get the right food for her. And so we tried so many things because some just like gave her a really upset tummy. And I was like, we're going to obviously, we'll get it right.

And so we've started getting this food and we finally like nailed it, I reckon. She loves it. She never turns her nose up at her. It really agrees with her tummy. She does like really, really healthy poos. Everything's good. Starting running marathons. Yeah.

Yeah, she's all good. She's stand up paddle boarding. Starting around marathons. Yeah. Yeah, she's all good. She's stand-up paddle boarding. And what happens with like dog food is that you get into the wank area of the activated almond except everything is like X grade. And we buy her this food and I've got a few photos of it here for you.

Yep. But basically it's like all whole vegetables. It's like carrot, seaweed, salmon, all this stuff. And I've got some photos here of the bag. And what does that say? It says human-grade salmon. So basically- Is that implying this salmon is good enough for humans?

Well, that's what it says, isn't it? Or like the salmon is like as good as eating human. Like it's human-grade salmon. No, human-grade to eat. Yeah, okay. I just want to clarify. Like a human would eat that. Yeah.

And then there's another photo there that you've got. Yeah, I've passed you three photos there. What does that one say? The fur-fresh standard. 100% human grade ingredients. Wow. The Fur Fresh Standard. What's the Fur Fresh Standard? Is that like a-

That's actually the branch, so. We love Fur Fresh in our house. 100% human grade. Wow. Well, it can't be 90% human grade because then it wouldn't be human grade. It's not human grade. Oh, it's 3% human grade. Yeah, and that's like massive font, right?

Huge font. There's one more photo for you to look at. It says food you'd feed yourself. Who are the- Like- So have you eaten it? How impressive, right? Isn't that amazing?

Are they pitching to you or the dog? Well, there's all this stuff on there. Who's the target market of this advertising? I've got one more photo to show you. If it's a photo of you eating out of a dog jar. Well, but you'd think I could come close, wouldn't you? Yeah. In tiny font on the back of the bag.

No. Thank you. Sorry, humans. Thank you. This is dog food only, not for human consumption well that sounds like not human grade then what the fuck are those other things saying first of all yeah it's dog food yeah i'm not gonna eat it all good all good thank you though don't threaten me with the words human grade and then ungrade my human i don't think that you can have this coat of arms that says fucking human standard on the front.

All over the front, massive font. Eat this, good enough for humans. Food you'd feed yourself, all this stuff. Tiny font on the back. So my second point is if you need to say that it's not for humans. Maybe don't spend the rest of the tin saying it is for humans. Don't you think, though, that it's your responsibility to make it more visible than that? Yes.

Like one or the other. Either you don't need to say it because, like, it's dog food. Nah, if you're going to sprout human grade, don't degrade my human. You can't do both, eh? Nah, pick one. Pick one. Don't promote how human worthy it is and then not let humans have it. But then also.

I'm all barred up. You've bait and switched me. No, I know. I was like, me and Pip are going to go for a little two for one. And then you go, well, we'll dine together. Torbs is away this weekend. We'll fucking get on it together. You can eat dog food, though.

No, but it's human grade. No, it's human grade. But I just think, like, if you're doing it, you're doing it. You've said it's human grade 899 times but then oh well actually no but don't know well is it yeah nah fuck them fuck them right off they need to get their story straight and this is the it's the narrative the food's amazing people will continue to eat it we are very happy customers you continue to eat it but what about well i've only just seen this on the back of the bag. I'm just picking out the carrot and the fucking seaweed from my teeth.

And I go, oh, it's too late for me. I love how it's everyday vegetables, but it's like seaweed and salmon, like fucking righto. You could get that dog food and sell it for hundreds of dollars at a fancy end of town. Maybe that's why they're saying that. I mean, I'm already pwned for it, aren't I? How much is it? It's not cheap.

How much a week would you spend on Pippa's dog? Oh, I actually don't know. I think that this. Do you put more into Pippa or the Audi? No, the Audi costs more. I think that this per bag is like $160. You're right. So if they're fresh and interested in coming on board.

Well, they're not now. I mean, we've just destroyed. If it were $160, I, a human, would expect to be able to eat it. And I can on the first four signs. No, sorry, humans. It's tiny font. You could just ignore that. I think I will.

Should we try it? Is that like a fun thing that people on the internet would do? Eat dog food? But it's salmon. Human grade. 100%. I reckon though that if you put that, because it's like freeze dried, so you like put a little bit of hot water in it and it like rehydrates.

Yeah. I reckon if you put that on a beautiful plate, like you would not know the difference. She loves it. I fucking hope so. Oh, you fucking hope so. Yeah. But so I just, yeah. So the type and transfer is now closed.

Just wanted to let everybody know that I don't think you can have it both ways. I agree. I'm actually, that's fucked me right up. That's fucked me right up. I know your area. Do you know what I mean? I don't like that. But if it says 100% human grade.

I know. Then how can you then on the back say. Acceptable for 0% of humans. But this is just such tiny font as well. Like I just don't think that they understand. Like you just can't have both. Say we're at our local $10 gasolina, right, and we go up and we buy a beautiful bottle of petrol and it says, tastes delicious, 100% human grade,

completely hydrating. Yeah. And then on the back it was like, it's gasoline, you dumb ****, don't drink it. Bait that. It's like the definition of a bait and switch. Well, it's the definition of like, you've lied. You've lied to me.

Because it's either human grade or it's not. Am I drinking the $10 gasoline or am I not? 99 gasoline. I've got to get up to see it. Bring us back around. Is it fair to say we like the White Lotus on this show? We've both fallen deep into that and just got right into both seasons. The first season I really, really liked.

And I've actually watched the first season on the plane a couple of times because it's that kind of show. It's like a. What about second season in Italy? Second season I did enjoy, but I liked the first one much more. So Aubrey Plaza is in season two and she got asked, you know, oh, you know, when you watched it back, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she goes, oh, I know it came out a few years ago,

but I actually haven't watched it. Oh. Yeah. And everyone goes, oh, is that like one of those like, oh, I can't watch myself on the screen or blah, blah, blah. And she goes, nah, like I forgot my Max Plus password. And then I went to click on the forgot password and it goes, which email address is it attached to?

And she typed in and goes, no, that's not this address. And she just went, I'll watch it later. And two years later. That is so fucking relatable. She still hasn't watched it. And I went, yeah, celebrities are just like us. Oh, but White Lotus couldn't have sent her a fucking USB with it on there? Well, she asked for a DVD, but they said that wasn't in your contract.

And we can say this now. Remember that time when we had a two-year deal with Spotify and you asked for premium and they told you to go fuck yourself? They actually said, we can figure that out. And didn't. And then they did. Yeah. So you and Aubrey Plaza, two of the same.

Yeah. But she said like back in the day, it was like a given in the beers. Like when you did a show. You get a copy. They send you a DVD. And then you go, yep, put it in the day, it was like a given in the beers. Like when you did a show. You'd get a copy. They'd send you a DVD. And then you'd go, yep, put it in the machine. And now they're like, oh, you've probably got the subscription service, so just watch it.

Or you would just think that they would go, oh, and they would just pass you two months free. Yeah. Or, you know, like. Something. Or a Dropbox link of a Raw edit or something? Like surely. Speaking of Dropbox links, can I just remind us about one

of the greatest moments in pop culture history? Yeah. So do you remember when Lindsay Lohan was a judge on the Australian version of The Masked Singer? Yes. And she didn't know any of the Australian celebrities. So she'd just get in there and they'd open, take the mask off. She'd be like, oh.

Loved you, Ian! That show. So she got sent a Dropbox link with a little video and they're like, post this on Twitter. And she posted the link. Post the link. I've seen a few. I think like Scott Disick a few years ago did a like Instagram post.

It was like, hey, Scott, just copy and paste this. Copy and paste one of the three below into the thing. And it was like option A, blah, option B, blah, option C, blah. And he posted the whole email. Control A, control V. That's like, what's that thing called? Being a fuckhead? Yeah.

But what's... Amateur? Like a fuckhead? Yeah. Bookie? Amateur? Like, natural selection? Yeah, you didn't die, though. Like, no, but like. Cause of death. Copy and pasting email. But live and breathe as a dumb c**t.

Ate dog food. Do you know what I mean? Oh, sorry, Sophie. I've got to, you know. Why do you apologise to Sophie? Because she has to write down a note to beep that I said **** again. Oh, I thought you like said **** and you're like, sorry I mentioned your people. Oh.

No, I just didn't know why you apologised to Sophie. That's how it sounded. That's how it sounded. Look, I think you need to apologise to Sophie. I apologise to Sophie and I apologise to all. Saying that you apologise isn't the same as apologising. Sophie, I'm sorry. Saying that you owe me $10 isn't the same as giving me $10.

What? And I would also like... Well, it's not the same thing. I would also like to apologise to dumb... talking about your people like that. I'm not. I've got a really nice... Sorry that you have to keep beeping that all the not. I've got a really nice- Sorry that you had to keep beeping that all the time.

I've got a really nice- You'll love to see it. Please. You might have seen this story go viral like last week. It's dog food that humans can eat. It starts a little bit grim, but a little girl and her brother, they're 10 and 8 in the US,

and they were doing a little lemonade stand on the front lawn. Love it. And this guy comes over and he's like, oh, I'd love a cup of lemonade. They turn around to make it. They turn back around to give him the thing. He steals their jar of money. $60. Holy shit.

And just this asshole steals from these two little kids that are just bloody. Taking candy from a baby. And so the story went viral that the kids had had the money stolen. Yep. There's been a little update, though. The community have gotten around them and they said, no, you've got to get back out there and do your lemonade stand again. And they went back out there.

All these people turned up to their front yard and they made $9,000. Holy shit. And did the guy roll them again? No, I don't know if they, but they had like a ring doorbell. Great. So I think that they're looking into finding this person who stole the money. $9,000 worth of lemonade.

Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, and these little kids are just so stoked because there's people lining up for their lemonade. And I just thought you love to see all the community getting around them. I just thought that was so wholesome. That is great. But what's wrong with me that I thought at the end of the line I would be that guy again?

He's like, oh, hey guys, can I just get an extra large cup from up the back? But he's got like a fake moustache on. Yeah, they go, oh yeah, let me just get one of the big cups from out the back and he just goes yoink and takes $9,000 in coins. Yoink. Yep. Oh, this really is a fucking comic. Yoink. That's my really is a fucking comic. Yoink.

That's my love to say it is the word yoink. My love to say is that that was such a sweet story. Yeah, sorry. And I really thought that would bring us back around, but sometimes these things happen. Hey, tomorrow we are doing confessions and let me just read the first line of one of them.

I did blank and I'll never be able to speak to my dad again and it's all because of Tony Lodge. I cannot take that on. That's not up to me. No, I think when you hear this, you'll be like, yeah, nah. Nah, I'm not taking it on. I will cut that. Nah, nah. Nah, I'm not taking it on. I will cut that. Nah. Nah.

Join Sophie's people. Talk to you tomorrow. Bye. Love you, bye.