Toni and Ryan - If You Laugh You're A Horrible Person

Episode Date: November 28, 2024

[VIDEO FOR THIS EP AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE] TERRIBLE TERRIBLE THINGS AND THEN SOMEONE ELSE THAT'S ALSO TERRIBLE hehehhehe love u!!!! Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you jo...in our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 G'day Canada! Or how would you say hello Canada? Bonjour Canada! Not what I was expecting! Hello Canada! Also not that, Oxio is an innovative Canadian internet provider with fair prices and no surprises. Unlike Tony, she's full of them. They have prices that actually stay the same as long as you stay with them.
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Starting point is 00:01:30 What a lie. Subscribe now using the code FizzC and get 10 gigs of data and 25 bucks. Switch to Fizz today. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Arthur Tony Lodge. We're calling Wulongong and we're calling Kit. Kit Kat. Oh, I love Arthur Tony lodge. We're calling a Woollongong and we're calling kit. Kit Kat.
Starting point is 00:01:46 Oh, I'd love a Kit Kat. Wouldn't you? Hmm. I'd actually take those four fingers. Oh, yep. You know, I had a Kit Kat when we were in the U S of a, and it was not that good. Hey, how's it going? We're really good.
Starting point is 00:02:04 We're just discussing KitKats and how Tony won't have one in America and what happened and it wasn't that good. Hey, how's it going? We're great. We were just discussing KitKats and how Tony had one in America and what happened. And it wasn't that good. Fuck, I could use a KitKat right now. That's what we were just saying. Yeah, we need a break. We need a KitKat. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:16 Hey, Kit, apparently your six-year-old came up with a joke recently. Can you please share it with us? Oh, we were mid long drive to visit grandparents. And he comes out with, Hey, mom and dad, I've got a joke. Please. Okay. He's like, why can't motorbikes stand up on their own? Why can't they?
Starting point is 00:02:36 Because they're, because they're too tired. That's pretty good. We laugh for at least 10 minutes, I think. Yeah. I'm so impressed by that wordplay. Yeah. That's like Ryan at the Tide place. I was going to say, what did he do with the two Tide dishes?
Starting point is 00:02:56 Did you get two Pud Tiders? He's got a Pud Tide I think. Okay. Everyone's having a good time. Everyone's having a great time. All right, Kit, will you approve this podcast? Oh, I reckon I will, yes. Fuck yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:09 Oh, Jinx, Jinx, show me Kit Kat. Ah, dammit. Hey, it's Kit from Wollongong and I approve this podcast. You're joining us on a pretty big day here at Tarp Tower. Big day? Because before recording this morning, tell me if I'm wrong, Tony, but did your boyfriend say, I can't swim in these board shorts because there's too much drag. I'm going to have to get some budgie smugglers. Um, subtle flakes also went for a swim before recording today.
Starting point is 00:03:49 Thank you so much for noticing. Um, he did say that and it was the hottest thing. I think I was like, that's a weird way to propose. I just, I love them. I think they look hot as a little smuggler. Yeah. Little speedo number. Bit of me.
Starting point is 00:04:07 Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be a great day. I did say to him, please don't say that to me before I have to go to work. Cause I was like, we don't have time. My hands are wet, but not from that. I need to calm down.
Starting point is 00:04:20 I think we both need to calm down. Whew. Oh my God. So that's the good news in the bad news. I said, Tony, what do you want to talk about today? She goes, can you just write down? I shot myself at Coles. Life is about swings and roundabouts.
Starting point is 00:04:36 Highs and lows. And ebbs and flows of life. Pros and cons. Yeah. Ins and outs. We get to do our ins and outs soon. Are you, I'm fucking poked about our ins and outs.. Are you, I'm fucking pumped about our ins and outs. For next year.
Starting point is 00:04:48 I was in finding out how we did this year. Both. Okay. Great. Yep. Yep. All coming up soon. Spoiler.
Starting point is 00:04:53 I have not run 5Ks. That's one of my goals with you. Still time. I think cumulatively you would have. Thank you. Cause I did try for a long time. Yeah. But I think those little, those stints add up. Yep.
Starting point is 00:05:06 That's coming up today. First tragedy plus time equals comedy. Let's start with Lindsay Carson and this, we go through a few ups and downs, pros and cons, ebbs and flows. When I was in kindergarten says says Lindsay. Hi Lindsay. My mum told me that my dog had ran away from home. Oh, that is so fucking heartbreaking. And in kindy as well, she's probably had the dog since she was born.
Starting point is 00:05:39 Oh, that is, this better fucking get better. I was devastated until mum came home and showed me an article from the newspaper about a dog who looked just like our dog, who was a stunt dog in Hollywood. She sold the dog to the circus. Oh, the dog. Oh, it was a lie. See, I'm so gullible. My mum could have told me anything.
Starting point is 00:06:05 She did as we've learned in many times in this podcast. Yeah, that's actually if you're watching on YouTube, we're here every day and we've learned a lot. I think mom implied, Oh, you know how our dog ran away? So the dog never ran away. Oh no. They also don't live anywhere near Hollywood, but she came home with this article and was like, look, look at, she's a star.
Starting point is 00:06:29 She's in Hollywood. She's actually beautiful. Our dog clearly ran away to California to chase his dream of being on the silver screen. Had the dog expressed a wish to be on the silver screen in the past. Okay. That is absolutely beautiful. So hang on.
Starting point is 00:06:43 I'm not really, I don't think I get it. Did the dog run away or no, it did. It ran like six feet down. Why? Oh, do you want to tell the kid it died? Gotcha. Didn't want to tell. I see. I took the newspaper paper article to school to use pop up.
Starting point is 00:07:09 He's a real news hound. No. Don't piggyback off mine. That's what you said to me yesterday. So I won't be taking that on. Your dog. Oh, you piggyback yourself though. Um, yeah. There's a bad vibe.
Starting point is 00:07:23 The dog steps has got you down. I don't understand. We've got to get back on the same thing. Yeah. Um, yeah. There's a bad vibe. The dog steps. I don't understand. We got to get back on the same. Yeah. I took the newspaper to school for show and talent told my whole class that my dog ran away to Hollywood to be a star. That what an awful parent let their kid do that. I think it's great to let them think that until Lindsay brought it up later about
Starting point is 00:07:49 their dog being a star and dad was sort of like, you know, forgot about the story and was like, that dog's not in Hollywood. We had to put down cause it was barking at the other kids. It was a tragedy and Lindsay was devastated. And only 20 years later can Lindsay laugh about the fact that she took a newspaper article to school to tell all of her friends that her dog was a star in Hollywood. The equation of tragedy plus time equals comedy. I don't think applies here. I think that's just how sad.
Starting point is 00:08:28 Oh, don't you? That's fine. Taking the newspaper to school to show off about your dog being in Hollywood is pretty hilarious. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
Starting point is 00:08:41 That is really funny. It's a bit cringe. You go like, fuck how embarrassing that I took the newspaper in. Yeah. Okay. I'll pay that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. But. All right. Let's get some short and sharp ones here. I'll. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 00:09:00 If you laugh at any of these, you're a horrible person. I'm laughing already. My mum, this is Megan Brill. Hi, Megan. Megan Brill comments a lot. I recognise that name, yeah. My mum accidentally knocked a full tub of ice cream off the kitchen bench and it landed on and killed our pet rat Jaffa.
Starting point is 00:09:24 Tony. bench and it landed on and killed our pet rat Jaffa. Oh, I've just got a head spin. There's actually a lot to unpack in that one sentence story. And also like, oh yeah, the junk food killed him. You go, oh, did he eat too much? Was he a diabetic? He got crushed by, what a way to go. Getting crushed by a heap of ice cream. Who has a pet rat?
Starting point is 00:09:57 Just walking around the kitchen. Yeah, free range. Yeah. Like a hen. Yeah. Like a hen. Well, he didn't have a lot of rage because he was not just a rat in a cage. Shout out to the. Smashing pumpkins.
Starting point is 00:10:21 Thank you. And I did say range, not rage. Cause that is just like, it was a free range rap because it wasn't all, it wasn't a rat in a cage. Yeah. Despite all my rage. Yeah, I'm not, I wasn't, but you did say that. No, because you said free range because it's not in a cage.
Starting point is 00:10:41 Yeah. I'm just saying that it's rage in the song. Later that year at a friend's house, her mom was getting us ice cream and innocently asked if I wanted Jaffas on it. Jaffas and ice cream is a killer combination, she said. I don't think that needs time. That's funny right away. Kristy Langford. Hi Kristy.
Starting point is 00:11:04 After eating a chicken skewer, I flicked it across the room and it accidentally speared my sister's goldfish. What the fuck? Are these all pet death related? A lot of death coming up today. I didn't say it was a dark one. It gets darker. We've got one more to go by the way. Who would flick a chicken skewer after they eat? That is wild. That's real brazen. That's like you live alone in the jungle kind of energy. Like eat the meat off the bone and
Starting point is 00:11:36 throw it away. But what are the chances of spearing a goldfish? You couldn't do that if you dried. So it's spearing fish in a barrel. And mate, the fish rest in peace. Now we're going to have to do a role play for this last one from Rachel Pomeroy. I hate people with aquariums. There's something strange about people with aquariums, eh? Like a fish bowl.
Starting point is 00:11:53 Yeah, that's not for me. Why not? Just something strange about it, don't you feel? No, they're just cute. Keep me company, hang them out, feed them a little bit. No, not for me. And have them company, hang them out, feed them a little bit. Not for me. And have you ever been to an aquarium shop?
Starting point is 00:12:12 All right. If you had to describe in one sound, not a word, but like a, like a grunt or a facial, like an audible facial expression, how would you describe the kind of person that works in an aquarium store? Is that it? Was that store? Rachel Pomeroy. Hi, Rach. I remind you, this is a video showing you can't pull those faces. I can pull whatever I want. Oh no, but like people can see it as I'm just-
Starting point is 00:12:40 I can pull whatever I want. Watch another fucking podcast. There's a role play that we'll need to do at the end of this. Beautiful. We were playing. I love to act. Rachel Pomeroy. We were playing Yahtzee when my sister received a text message. I love Yahtzee. Is that part of the story? Yeah, it is. She stood up and read out the text message at the exact same time I rolled the dice and got a Yahtzee and yelled out Yahtzee. Oh, because it is the thrill when you get a Yahtzee. So what I'm going to get you to do, Tony, is you're going to go.
Starting point is 00:13:16 Roll. No, you just ask me to jerk you off. No, people can see you at the video. There's clearly dots in my head. When you ask me to jerk you off, people can see you at the video shot. There's clearly dots in my hand in this performance. When you ask me to jerk you off, people can see it. That's all I just need to remind you that people are watching, people are listening, and that when you ask me to jerk you off like that, people can see. This is very specific acting. I need you to take direction.
Starting point is 00:13:38 I feel a bit silly today. Yeah, we know. Sorry for having fun. No, I'm with you, sorry for having fun. Oh, no, I'm with you. Sorry for having fun. No, I'm with you. I'll just go fuck myself. Yeah, you still want me to jerk you off though, don't you?
Starting point is 00:13:54 Yeah. Yes. And with that kind of aggression and energy, preferably. Okay, so I'm doing the Yahtzee. See? So I'm doing the Yahtzee. Yahtzee! That's really what the penis have a says. Can you imagine? Sorry, if you were hooking up with someone and as they came,
Starting point is 00:14:16 they yelled, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Often we have a weekend challenge. Last week it was used the cowboy emoji. Yeah. Um, maybe this week it's yellow emoji when you finish. Yellow emoji. Yel.
Starting point is 00:14:49 Yel Yahtzee. God, that's pretty funny. Feel free to not send us a video or anything. We don't need it here. We'll trust you. Send one to me. Well, that's weird. To me, damn.
Starting point is 00:15:04 I'll send it to you. Okay. So I'm doing Yahtzee. Rachel Pomeroy. I'm going to need you to concentrate, we'll trust you. Send one to me. That's weird. Send me a damn. I'll send it to you. Okay. So I'm doing Yahtzee. Rachel Pomeroy. I'm going to need you to concentrate, especially when you hear what happens to Rachel. Okay. You're going to regret a lot of stuff that you've just mentioned.
Starting point is 00:15:12 No, I'm not. I never regret a thing in my life because life's a living. We were playing Yahtzee when my sister received a text message. So you're going to go, roll? Yep. Do we have any dice that would help my acting a bit? A real actress wouldn't need it. Do we have dice? Yeah, we've got Cluedo. What? Could you just pass me that phone charger? That'll be the thing I throw so we get some noise.
Starting point is 00:15:39 Okay. Do you know what I mean? I just thank you, Sophie. All right. Okay. So this is a practice one. Yep. You're going to roll it and then when it stops. YATSY! I didn't come. I'm just doing the acting.
Starting point is 00:15:51 Okay. Okay. So keeping in mind that the sister receives a text message. Yes. Have you written your name on one of our charges, Sophie? You fucking loser, Sophie. Oh, I hope no one takes my charger. Oh, actually all myself has my name on it. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:16:05 I brought that from home. Tony, you made us buy a label maker on the work card. I bought my own label maker, personally, for my home. And then you bought one for the office and then labeled that. Yeah, I did. All right. Okay. Yes.
Starting point is 00:16:22 So the sister receives a text message at the same time. Yep. Okay. Oh, I love playing Yahtzee. All right. Okay, yes, sorry. So the sister receives a text message at the same time. Yep. Okay. Oh, I love playing Yahtzee. My turn. Oh, I'm hardly being moving. Oh, I've got a text message here.
Starting point is 00:16:31 I wonder who it's from. Chk, chk, chk, chk, chk. Yahtzee. Grandpa's dead. Yahtzee. Yahtzee. Yahtzee. Yahtzee.
Starting point is 00:16:39 Yahtzee. Yahtzee. Yahtzee. Did you see my Yahtzee? Yeah, he died. Our grandfather. Well, he's not playing. It's Rachel's grandfather died.
Starting point is 00:16:54 At the exact same time, that text message was she yelled up and he stood up and screamed, Yahtzee. That was, that was granddad just with us. Granddad gave you the Yahtzee. Just think about what else you've talked about, the Yahtzee. That was, that was granddad just with us. Granddad gave you the Yahtzee. Just think about what else you've talked about, the Yahtzee. Granddad came and she yelled Yahtzee. I think it's all good. Cause the time has passed.
Starting point is 00:17:19 Time, time, time, time. So it makes it fine. Hey, it's Kit from Wollongong and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Today's episode is brought to you by Cozy, the Canadian furniture company that brings adaptable, high quality furniture to everyday living spaces. And probably everybody that's listening is thinking, oh, how can I up the ante in my home? The whole family's coming around for Christmas. I've got people coming in.
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Starting point is 00:18:05 is perfect for entertaining. And isn't it perfect to say out loud? Mensa credenza. That sounds delicious. Now it's really easy to move and grow into new spaces and stuff like that with Cozy because everything comes in boxes. So it's easy to go upstairs. So you're not having to lug stuff around and it's really tricky.
Starting point is 00:18:21 And that's just a real punish. A web by lived in apartments and that is not a good time. Yeah, up those stairs, no thank you. Yeah, and if you're an impulse passionate buyer, maybe like a young Tony Lodge. Who? Cozy ships in two to five days. So if you get that idea
Starting point is 00:18:39 and you want that instant gratification, mate, it can be here next week. And that's a bit of me, cause I go, oh, wouldn't that chair be amazing? It's here. It's in your house. Two to five days, easy to assemble, giving you time to actually enjoy the holidays
Starting point is 00:18:51 instead of sitting around for three months waiting for a chair. Hoping that it rocks up. And then you got to carry it up the stairs. It's modern living made simple for you. Transform your living space today with Cozy. Visit Cozy.ca, spelled C-O-Z-E-Y, to start customizing your furniture. This episode is brought to you by Audible, which is awesome because this year I've become obsessed
Starting point is 00:19:11 with audiobooks. I'm absolutely loving it. And Audible's best of the year picks are here. Discover Audible's passionately pored over, ruthlessly debated, and lovingly listed selections across all of your favorite genres, from gripping mysteries and thrillers to heartfelt memoirs and swoon-worthy- Swoon. That was beautiful. Is that a swoon? Really takes you into the place. Swoon-worthy romances,
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Starting point is 00:20:16 All the biggest stars in one place. Finish the year on top with Audible's best of 2024 selections and discover why there's more to imagine when you listen. Listen now at audible.ca slash best of 2024 selections and discover why there's more to imagine when you listen. Listen now at audible.ca slash best of the year. A massive shout out to a few of our champion topers over at our Patreon. Absolutely love to see it. Thank you very much for being here. Paisley, good on you Paisley. Brizzy Bear, Laura Kelly, Tate Lady,
Starting point is 00:20:48 Kit Ryan, Brie Little, and Taylor Geyer and her partner Nick. Who isn't, he's not a joint account. Taylor, her partner Nick works away. And sometimes when he's home, he goes, oh, let's listen to that podcast you like together. Which is quite cute. It's not a shared Patreon. He doesn't like the podcast.
Starting point is 00:21:04 He just listens with her when he's home, which I think is quite cute. That is quite cute. It's not a shared Patreon. He doesn't like the podcast. He just listens with her when he's home, which I think is quite cute. That is quite cute. Yeah. So take that no back. Okay. And all people that are part of our Patreon, the names that are scrolling across the bottom,
Starting point is 00:21:14 that's what that means. So whatever level you are, that means that your name scrolls across the bottom. You can also apply to approve the podcast. So the phone calls you hear at the beginning of the show, all of those things, lots of exclusive content over there. So jump on over if you fancy.
Starting point is 00:21:28 Yeah. Do we need to be prepared for something here or? I don't know. I think, um, I should have been more prepared, I guess. Um, no. So the other, like, sorry, I'm a little bit rattled. Is it cause of the artsy? The artsy felt so exciting.
Starting point is 00:21:46 Yeah. And now I feel like we're in a bit of a lull and I think we need some more energy. Do you want some jelly beans? No, I don't want a jelly bean. Thank you so much. Um, the last few weeks, Would you like a iced coffee? I do have one here.
Starting point is 00:21:57 Okay. Yeah. Let me share. That's it. The last few weeks in Melbourne has been getting really hot, right? Yep. Um, and Torb's, my partner and I have been swimming laps at the public pool and And the last few weeks in Melbourne has been getting really hot, right? Yep. Um, and Torb's, my partner and I have been swimming laps at the public pool.
Starting point is 00:22:10 Um, it's actually really fun doing something together. And I love being wet. I love it. Wet for life. I'm wet for life. And I just, it's such a nice way to start the day. And I just absolutely love it. There is actually no better way to start the day than having a swim.
Starting point is 00:22:26 It changes the whole outlook of your day. And we've also both discussed that, like, when you get out of the pool, you're like, you're in the zone. You're in the zone. I think like any, like someone could like hit me with their car and I'd be like, thank you. Um, but anyway, so we've been doing that in the mornings, but then it was like real hot day and it was the afternoon.
Starting point is 00:22:45 We were like, you know what? We could fucking go down again to the pool. Can you use the same pass? We don't have a membership. So we just pay like to go. Oh yeah. I just had to get something from my car. I've been in the car park for about 12 hours.
Starting point is 00:23:00 Oh, I'm, I don't like to play fast and loose like that. So I didn't do that. But yes, I think that you probably could. Um, I don't think that the people that work there really gave a fuck. Yeah. Um, so I think that you could get away with mostly anything if you really want to. So I went for a swim and I like forgot my towel or something. Yeah. And then it was so embarrassing because I had to go like back through the gates and then get my, and then come back in and go, Oh, I, I just, I just letting you know. And then I also realized that he doesn't give a fuck either way. He doesn't really care. I think
Starting point is 00:23:29 if you smile and just go, oh, I'm so sorry. They go great. Yeah. I could probably just do that every day. Yeah. Like, and if there's a long line, they'll kind of do anything because they just go, we've got to get through these people kind of thing. Anyway, so it's afternoon. We're like, oh, yeah. And you know how like, if you're close to a pool or to the beach or whatever, your bathers are bathers. Yeah. And we've discussed this phenomenon before because the further away from the pool
Starting point is 00:23:58 or whatever that you get, it's just underwear. All of a sudden, like the bathers don't really make sense cause there's no context and you're like, well, no. That's not- There's no water around. You're just a person in underwear. All of a sudden, like the bathers don't really make sense because there's no context and you're like, well, no, that's not water around. You're just the person in underwear. That's not really, doesn't really make sense. I think the same goes for being wet. Yeah. Because if you're wet in like a beach side area or beach side town, it's like, oh my God, you've obviously just been for a dip in the ocean. Beautiful.
Starting point is 00:24:29 It makes sense. Yeah. And you're probably lining up to buy fish and chips. Yeah. And about to have the best night of your life. Cause you're a little bit like a bit warm from the sun. You're wet for life. You're still wet.
Starting point is 00:24:41 Your hair's all wet. You got a fucking paper package of fish and chips and what a great day. I tell you what's- Talk about the perfect actual day. I think there's nothing more iconic than having slightly sandy feet as you walk into an ice cream store.
Starting point is 00:24:55 Yeah, I completely agree. And getting a, and you've got all the, and then, cause it's the hot summer day, but then you walk into the coolness of the ice cream shop and you go, ooh. Yeah, and I think the people working there- They get it. They get it. And then cause it's the hot summer day, but then you walk into the coolness of the ice cream shop and you go, Yeah. And I think the people working there, they get it. And so I think that there's enough context there, but being wet in the
Starting point is 00:25:14 inner North of Melbourne doesn't really make sense. No. And like not a lot of people have pools because the, like, houses are quite small around where I live. Oh, that's quite strange considering you live in a country town. Live in a country town. I don't have a lot of land. Yeah. Like some people near me. Barely have that much cattle.
Starting point is 00:25:35 I've just got pipa. One French bulldog. What the bougie is kind of dog you could have. And so I feel like the bathers thing makes sense. And I think the being wet thing, you kind of go, why are you all wet? Why is this bitch wet? What? This just doesn't make sense. Anyway, we finished our swim and Torb's and I are like, Oh, we need to
Starting point is 00:25:55 grab some stuff for dinner. Let's swing by the, um, the. Let's go to Coles on the way home, grab some stuff for dinner. All good. I had just like a little linen sundress that I was like, I'll just slip that over my bathing suit. What color? White.
Starting point is 00:26:16 Sorry, I asked. So I'm like, it's like a cream, very light linen sundress, and I'm wearing a one piece bavers, which is like black. Yep. I go, I slip that over my bavers. My hair is soaking. I'm still pretty wet. And we hop in the car and we go to the Coles. Um, by the time we get to the shop, my dress is pretty wet because my bathers are wet underneath and like my bum is wet from sitting in the seat in
Starting point is 00:26:50 the car because it's like soaked back. Did it peel off when you got out? Yeah. Yeah. Um, where, and I was in Torb's car as well. So I'm like sitting and he just like fabric seats. Torb's Torb's isn't doing as well as Tony. Nah, it was damp.
Starting point is 00:27:06 You know what I mean? Yeah, because it doesn't just slide off the leather like in the Audi. Like in the Audi. It's and when I, before I hopped in the car, I was like, oh, pop a towel down. Torb's was like, no, I don't worry about it. My car is a towel. He's like, I don't mind.
Starting point is 00:27:18 Anyway, so we're standing in the meat section of the Coles being like, what should we have for dinner? A few people are walking past and like, then looking back at me. And I'm like, yes, it's me. Yes. Stupid girl. Yeah. I do have a podcast. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed. And we're standing in the meat section for a bit because we're like, Oh, do we want that?
Starting point is 00:27:47 Do we want this? And we're like having a conversation, which I hate because in the shops, I'm like, I want to get in, I want to get out and I want to get home. But we're like discussing what to have. Yeah. Usually you're an online order. So even being out. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:59 Cause this was like a bit last minute. We were like, Oh, we'll just go get some meat. Do you live in La Vida? Okay. I really am. Just, oh, let's just go get some meat. Throw it on the bar. You live in La Vida, local. I really am. Oh, just, oh, let's just pop in and see what's on special. Oh, look at this one over here.
Starting point is 00:28:10 Yeah, great. And that's kind of what we were doing. We were really chill and we're both fucking soaking wet. Yeah. So of course you're in a good mood because you're all wet. Anyway, we'd finally decided and we go, we need some more things for dinner. We turn and walk up the aisle and Torb's goes, Oh my God, Tony, you okay?
Starting point is 00:28:27 And I was like, I was like, yeah, why? What's wrong? And he goes, are you okay? He's like, do you need it? Are you all right? And I was like, yeah, I'm okay. Why? What's wrong?
Starting point is 00:28:40 And he's looking at my bum and I reached down and obviously it's all where I'm like, Oh yeah, it's all wet from my bathers. Like, fuck, does it look like a piss my pants? And he goes, no, it looks like you shit yourself. Are you all right? It's all brown. He takes a photo to show me. I'm just texting this to you now.
Starting point is 00:29:01 We'll pop it on the screen of the YouTube show. And all... What the fuck is that? Down the back of my dress is like brown shit all over my dress. What is that? What is that? Is that fake tan or something? Are you sitting in gravy? That sounds lovely. It does.
Starting point is 00:29:23 So you can't... My little roast chicken. So I'm like, what's, what's happened? He's like, I don't know. Are you bleeding? Like what's going on? Well, yeah. What's on those seats?
Starting point is 00:29:34 Well, we get. So you've been sneaking chocolates on the way home. I don't know. Not that I would know anyone to do that. Yeah. Not that I would ever, but I don't know. What is that? It's all over me.
Starting point is 00:29:45 And all these people have looked at me. I'm going to send you another photo. This girl has shot herself in the cold, in the meat aisle of all places. I'm sending you another photo that I took when I got home. It's so bad. And I was walking around like that and everyone thought I was some fucking rank bitch because I'm walking around like covered in shit. Obviously there was like a bunch of dust on the seat or something and the wet has drawn
Starting point is 00:30:15 it out. Yeah. Or maybe he spilled a coke or a coffee or something and it's all soaked back out of the seat and onto my dress. That's so embarrassing. And I just looked like the biggest fucking deros. And when those people look- Like I'd shat in the fucking Coles.
Starting point is 00:30:33 All right. Because I'm your friend, let me come to your defense. I don't think you're the only person that's ever shat themselves in Preston. You know what I mean? I really appreciate you coming to my rescue, but let me just fix one thing. And I'm sorry, Sophie, that you have to see this, hear this. It wasn't in Preston.
Starting point is 00:30:58 It was on the rough side of Reservoir. I was about to ask. Which side of Reservoir? Which I think actually, the rough side, which I think actually maybe makes it a bit better. I think the people that working, was it Woolworths or Coles? It's Coles. I think the people working at Coles on the bad side of Reservoir would probably see two or three people shit themselves each day.
Starting point is 00:31:16 I used to, when I worked at Coles, people used to shit in the shop all the time. One time someone got diarrhea in the bakery section and just walked off and there was human shit all around the bakery section. And just, she just fucked off. Yeah. And you were just, and we had to clean it because it's like, well, we have to walk, like we're working there. Um, you were just another, you were just one of the shits of the day.
Starting point is 00:31:41 I was just one of the people that chat in there. I just think maybe. Isn't that just so bad though? Like it does look grim. Like all over my... And the fact you went up to those people and went, oh, do you want a selfie? I didn't talk to anyone, but I was like, my God, like I get this all the time. Um, do you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:31:59 That's more embarrassing than shitting yourself in the cold. Cause I actually was feeling really good cause I just had a swim. So I had all this confidence. Maybe you felt really good. Cause you actually did just shit. Just food myself. But like, you know how good you feel after a good one. A good one.
Starting point is 00:32:14 Yeah. And then maybe that's why you felt great. Yeah. Little aquabuzz, tell yourself off. I've done it. And then you just go to the supermarket, get some meat. Yeah. And you just feeling good.
Starting point is 00:32:24 Yeah. Yeah. Be dehydrated. But I think just go to the supermarket, get some meat. Yeah. And you just feeling good. Yeah. Yeah. A bit dehydrated. But I think as well, the thing that was like, that's torched was like, are you okay? And I was like, as if I was going to shit myself, I would have told him. Yeah. I would have been like, something terrible has just happened. And then we get back to the car and I was like, Oh, I really appreciate you standing behind me as we walked around the shop. And he was like, I didn't, I was like, no, I know.
Starting point is 00:32:45 Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. As I think he's not the bad guy here. I was like, no, I was embarrassed. I was lashing out, but I was like, why didn't you, he's like, I didn't do that. And I was like, no, I know. It's like, so you didn't think to just like walk closely behind me when I thought that I'd shit myself in the Coles. That's why I'm a blues girl now.
Starting point is 00:33:03 I think. I'm, you know, that's not Coles's fault. That's not, well, maybe it is. I take it back Coles. Yeah. You are lashing out. You're embarrassed and you're lashing out and you're taking it out on people you care about, such as the great people at Coles and the great people at your
Starting point is 00:33:17 house called Torps. Yeah. So I'm the pool leader. I don't think that's come out of the dress either. I don't know what it is. That's what's it. I'll get you a new one. Oh, I bought it from Kmart like four years ago and it's a real old fact.
Starting point is 00:33:31 Like I wear it heaps. It's like, you know, when you buy something and then you just wear it to death and it just never falls apart. You know, when you've got some things that you just go, I just never discolors and never. Well, I don't think that was the dresser's fault. I think that was something in the car. I think you're right with a spilt coffee or a spilt coke or something like that. And it's just drawn it back.
Starting point is 00:33:52 And because obviously I'm sitting on it, I'm basically a human sponge. You're the sponge of information. Just like this human sponge that's just like soaked it all back out. At least his car's looking good now. Yeah. It's super clean. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:09 I might just use the dress to wipe the rest of it. Just use that. Anyway. Yeah. So, um, not ideal. Not a great day for Tony Lodge. I feel that's okay. Things happen.
Starting point is 00:34:19 Shit happens literally. So, um, I got to love to see it. Amazing. Uh, let me send you a photo here of a Texas mum who has in fact not shat herself. Oh, well, we don't know that. We actually don't know that. She has set the Guinness world record. What can you see there? Is she sitting next to a drawer? Oh, is that a freezer? She has set the Guinness World Record by donating over 2600 liters of breast milk.
Starting point is 00:34:53 Whoa! And has helped feed over 350,000 families in Texas. She just like must have had the genes. Luckily the drawer was just able to express lots And some people are able to express easily, some can't at all or have struggles. And it is like God's neck that like is really good for babies. So she was like, well, I'll just keep, if it keeps coming, I'll keep pumping and I'm donating it. So three, again, 350,000 babies across the state of Texas she's helped out. And don't you just love to see that? You love to see that.
Starting point is 00:35:28 Because you could just easily like not, you know what I mean? Or keep it for yourself. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's a lot. I mean, not that much, I guess, but you know. Yeah, exactly. But she's like, no, like, you know, I've got sort of lucky here and I'm going to let everyone else. I've got a lot of supply.
Starting point is 00:35:42 Yeah. And I'm going to. That's really cool. Yeah. So what an absolute legend she is. Well done. Oh, that's beautiful. And she just looks so proud.
Starting point is 00:35:49 As well, because you would be. Yeah. Does it sort of look like your friend Jane? I was about to say she looks like Jane and I didn't want to say anything to take away from your thing, but that's Jane. That's literally. Is it Jane's sister? Does Jane have a sister in Texas?
Starting point is 00:36:03 No, but that 1000% looks like Jane. Does Jane have a sister going to the wedding? She does, yes. Okay, so she's invited again. Are we not doing that? No, no, no, she's invited to the wedding. I just know during the tarpathon there was- She's invited to the wedding.
Starting point is 00:36:17 Yeah, of course. Yeah, Molly, she's great. Kids coming? Molly's coming, yeah. We talked about this in the livestream. Is that not fair game or is that behind a paywall? That's behind a paywall. It feels like. Well, good luck to Jane and her family and the milk. It's actually, it's not a family event. We've been told so it's actually, yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:37 Okay. I've got a love to see it here. And this is really amazing. And it's really like a beautiful thing. And we're moving on. Yep. We've all're moving on. Yep. We're always moved on. Shut up. I'm fucking sorry. I thought it was. No, mate, it's OK. Off air, child. All good. Literally fine. I'm sorry. I've got an amazing, you'll have to say it here,
Starting point is 00:36:58 that is going to make people come around the world. Yutzy! I reckon that however long this episode is or whatever point we're at now, but like say we're 30 minutes in 30 minutes after this podcast comes out, we're going to break a Guinness world record for how many people come at the same time. This is going to be a worldwide orgy that no one will see coming. Yeah. Except for everyone. I'm sending this to you.
Starting point is 00:37:23 Am I allowed to open it up in the workplace? If you're ready to come. In February, 2026. 2026. Yes, so not this coming February, coming. The following February. Thank you, Sophie's just come in the workplace. She needs a tissue.
Starting point is 00:37:42 That doesn't happen that often, eh? No. February, 2026. She needs a tissue. That doesn't happen that often, eh? No. February 2026, the month starts on a Sunday and perfectly ends on a Saturday. We're going to pop this little screenshot up on the YouTube show if you're watching. It'll be in the Facebook thread. The month is perfectly four weeks. It fits perfectly square in the calendar. And if you are saying that you didn't just do a huge cum, you're lying.
Starting point is 00:38:16 First of all, Sophie, get the tissues. Second of all, doesn't it just fuck you right off when a month starts on a Thursday or Friday, and then you've got this like janky little half day up in the top right corner of the thing or there's a little hangover, little dag hanging down on a fifth week just for its own day, just fucking the whole thing up. Yep. Fuck, what are you doing in February 2026? Coming the whole time.
Starting point is 00:38:40 I think that we should take the month off and just enjoy it. Perfect four weeks. Don't you think that that's just the most amazing thing that's ever happened? I don't know if you read the caption by the guy that posted this. And he said, my unemployment goal of the month has been to watch 50 movies, but instead I've spent time finding stuff like this. Like, you know what I mean? What's he doing? Love it.
Starting point is 00:39:04 Yeah. like this. You know what I mean? What's he doing? Love it. Yeah. But it's a screenshot of a tweet. So shout out to mug bar America, who is the original poster. But I just, I saw that and like one single tear rolled out of my eye. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:18 If I read that in the calls, I've collapsed to my knees, but I've known what's happened in calls recently. So I'm like, stay on my feet. Yeah. Stay vertical, stay vigilant, stay vertical. I've always said that. That's pretty good. And that's my area as well. This is probably the best tweet I've seen since I discovered Terrible Maps.
Starting point is 00:39:36 I do like Terrible Maps. I think that you did that as you love to say it about four times. It's very good. There were separate maps each time. It came up on the show a lot. Yeah, but it was like separate instances of maps. You don't have to justify it to me. I'm saying it was good. It was so good that we brought it up a lot of times. We did.
Starting point is 00:39:53 I think we should have February off. In a year? Every year. A leap month. I just love to see that. I do actually love to see that too. Yeah. Yeah, Sophie Estelle Woods.
Starting point is 00:40:06 Maybe our calendar that year could just be all February. I don't get it. We'll just do a calendar for February. Oh, cause it's just like nothing could top that. So you just do February 12 times? Or just once? Once. Well, what if we, oh, I've got an idea. What if we do it once and it's between January and March and it's just a normal calendar?
Starting point is 00:40:32 I don't like the energy today. Then it's just in there once. I put you just said the energy is off today. I think we need a weekend. It was so silly. A weekend was so silly before. The artsy. Sophie, you sang artsy because you've done a cum.
Starting point is 00:40:48 Redacted. Redacted. Oh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Yahtzee.
Starting point is 00:40:59 Love you. Bye, have a great weekend. Bye bye bye bye bye. Have a great weekend. Bye bye bye bye bye. This episode is brought to you by Audible, which is awesome because this year I've become obsessed with audiobooks. I'm absolutely loving it. And Audible's best of the year picks are here. Discover Audible's passionately pored, ruthlessly debated, and lovingly listed selections across all of your favorite genres. From gripping mysteries and thrillers to heartfelt memoirs and swoon-worthy-
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Starting point is 00:43:13 That sounds delicious. Now it's really easy to move and grow into new spaces and stuff like that with Cozy because everything comes in boxes. So it's easy to go upstairs. So, you're not having to lug stuff around and it's really tricky. And that's just a real punish. Wevbo lived in apartments and that is not a good time. No, thank you.
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