Toni and Ryan - Illegal jokes

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Ryan and I have banded together to bring you the best illegal jokes around Mother's Day for 2022. Lots of love to anyone who might need it this weekend too 💖 Love ya, Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hey, Dustin, it's Tony and Ryan. How you doing? Good. How about you? We're really good. Now, quick question for you. Tony doesn't know the answer to this,

but I believe you live five minutes away from a very famous town. I was already going to ask. Which town would that be? I think you can guess. Scranton, what? The electric city. No. Does he live near Scranton, which is where the office is?

Possibly, but that's not what I was getting at. I live three and a half hours away from Scranton, yeah. But what do you live five minutes away from? I live five minutes away from intercourse. The town is called Intercourse. Imagine always being five minutes away from intercourse. Well, that is the life that Dustin lived. And when we did the awkward town names,

every second example was from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, like around that area. So, Dustin, thanks for bringing us here. It feels like we're coming there with you, Dustin. We love it. No pun intended. Yeah. Oh, I know.

It's amazing. All right. Dustin, do you approve this episode? Of course I do. Yay! Hey, this is Dustin from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and I approve this podcast. If you can hear some weird, gross noises.

Sorry, I just put my Invisalign back in. That's Tony putting her mouth back in. Drinking water on the microphone. I just... I'm going to bring this up in the shareholder meeting tomorrow. I just had a bite of my croissant. All those in favour of... You ready to go?

I'm ready now, yep. Tomorrow, an extra episode this week. a TARP shareholder meeting. Your attendance is compulsory. Mandatory. We need all people that listen to the podcast to be there. It'll be on this podcast feed. Champion TARPers, exclusive TARPers, chief TARP officers required. And the way that you behave is what will determine the way

that this meeting goes. You're on notice. Yeah. That was hot. It was. Yeah. It is Mother's Day. We still haven't figured out if it's just Australia, New Zealand

or everywhere in the world, but it's Mother's Day in Australia this Sunday. This Sunday, yeah. And Mother's Day, a weird day for the two of us. I think that there's a lot of people around the, you know, like people that are trying for a baby or maybe have lost a baby or lost their mum or. Or don't see their family much anymore. Yeah, like estranged family.

I think that there's a lot of reasons why this day could be shit. And we've decided that instead of cry about it, we will try and laugh instead. We might do both. Please don't hold us to that. All right, so I'm adopted. Tony's mum has passed away. Yeah.

And these are jokes that only we... Can make. ...are qualified to make. Are we allowed to laugh at each other's jokes? Is that part of it? We'll make it case by case. So I have to decide whether you're not laughing because my joke is shit or because you're too uncomfortable.

It's just real dark. Oh, sorry. I was just trying to call my mum, but it was a deadline. Fuck. Okay. So we are allowed to laugh. That's where we're headed. This is real fucked up.

One man's trash is another man's treasure, which is a wonderful saying, but a horrible way to find out that you're adopted. Fuck. I know you might not like it, but someone else could. Oh, you know what? Actually, that one's not for me. Let's try again.

Pass this one off. Is there a refund exchange sort of thing going on here? Does anyone want this one? Barely used. Barely? Fresh out the oven. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Not my mum. No. She's dead. No, she's dead. She's not there at all. Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. Not your mum who? Well, she's dead.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is. Oh! So I hit the ball, then where do you run? Run home. Oh, that must be nice. Yeah, you just start crying during sport. Just run back to the orphanage.

Is this what you meant? Or do I wait at the office? Run back to the nuns that run the orphanage? Do nuns still run orphanages? I don't know. Or is that just like in movies? Some might, but yeah, I think it's definitely a movie. Were you at an orphanage?

Yeah, I didn't move in. You left your suitcase out the front. I didn't move in with mum and dad until I was 10 weeks old. Oh, wow. That's a long time. Yeah. I just had to gap year. Travelling, yeah.

Yeah. She did some travelling. I think I stayed with a foster family for three or four weeks. Did you? So there's actual families out there. That is, oh, I can't actually believe that. That will take a young baby on just for a month before they kind of, you know, handball it on.

Well, because I just think it needs that love, doesn't it? I was very needy. I needed the love. Yeah, but every little baby just needs love. Yeah, and I wasn't quite getting that love, doesn't it? I was very needy. I needed the love. Yeah, but every little baby just needs love. Yeah, and I wasn't quite getting that love from the doorstep, so. Or the mother that had left you. Yeah, also. Yeah.

What's the difference between my mum and your phone? Nothing. They're both always dead. To be fair. My mum wasn't always dead. No, and I can recharge my phone. At least I know what my mum fucking looks like. Oh, I see.

Yeah, my mum loved me, though, so. Yeah. Yeah. Is that too far? We've just come this far. Is there any line? It doesn't appear so, no. Great.

Us orphans, what's our favourite baking ingredient? Self-raising flour. Don't worry, we've got it covered. Just leave us at the door. I'll self-raise over here. I'm like fucking the

Mowgli from Jungle Book. Like, you know. I hate that I won't ever be crazy successful because I can't hit the mother load. As I'm adopted, I actually really enjoy playing poker. So we're at the table the other day and I was like, yep, $10. And this other guy goes, oh, I'll raise you. And I was like, thank you.

Better than any money. Oh, you shouldn't have. Just one single tear. I'll think out your day. Do you remember when we were younger, there were those TV ads for the animal shelters and all the little cute animals run across the screen and it's like adopt an animal?

Sure. So this thing comes across and I was like, look, mum, how cool is this? We should adopt a donkey. And then mum's like, I already did. Already adopted an ass? Anyway, enjoy your mother's day. Yeah, enjoy your fucking breakfast. Must be fucking nice.

Yeah. Hey, this is Dustin from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A big thank you to a few of our champion tarpers who will all be in attendance tomorrow at our TARP shareholder meeting. Sorry, I forgot what we were calling it. Are you joking? I was going to call it family meeting, but I don't have any of that.

That's nice. A big thank you to Cade McLogan, Liam Mills, Gabriel Taylor and Bradley Glick. Thank you so much. So this week we decided to, I don't know if we're scraping the bottom of the barrel, but the movie choices were cult movies that either start with a T or an R. I don't think that was scraping the bottom of the barrel.

That was my first idea. I liked it. I thought that was a good idea. It was a good idea and I'm all about it. Are you really gutted that they chose a movie that started with T instead of R? It did hurt a little bit. Yeah. The choices were Trainspotting, Top Gun, Taxi Driver, Reservoir Dogs, Repo Man, Runaway Bride.

And Top Gun beat Runaway Bride just. Only by like five or ten votes, right? Yeah, which is pretty rare. Usually there's like a one. One front runner from the whole time. But, yeah, all the tarpers get to vote on that in Patreon. So Top Gun. And a lot of people say because Top Gun 2 is coming out this week.

Yeah, Lady Gaga just won an award for the song she wrote for it or something, I think. Top Gun, you are a gun on the top. I don't think that's how it goes, but maybe they'll ask you for Top Gun 3. I'm actually doing the rap interlude. Oh, the like rap verse. Yeah, you know there's always one at the end now.

So it's Lady Gaga singing and then I'm like, yeah, the gun on top, Top Gun, yeah, Tom Cruise, nice teeth, Val Kilmer. He's had Invisalign. Val Kilmer? Tom Cruise during the first Top Gun. Did he? Yeah. Isn't it weird how Tom Cruise's left front tooth is like in the middle of his face?

Because his arm wasn't as good as the one you're getting. He didn't go to Gorgeous Miles Dentistry. On Exhibition Street. Of course not. And you can tell. You can fucking tell. He needs to live. This movie, you got flapped yesterday.

Not flapped. You got passionate and excited and angry about the fact that people are wearing underwear that don't fit them properly because they deserve better. And I felt that passion from you. Yes. So feel this passion from me. I always do.

As someone who played volleyball for a very long time, the scene in Top Gun where they play volleyball is the most offensive, The scene in Top Gun where they play volleyball is the most offensive, disrespectful, dumbest thing I've ever fucking seen in my whole life. And I don't care if it's a cult classic movie and it's for all time and Tom Cruise coming of age as a movie star, that one scene has fucked me off to no end. Is it because they look really cool and hot while they're playing outside, like with their shirts off, but you played indoor volleyball

and had, like, ankle braces on and, like. Don't mention the knee pads. But, like, are you gutted because you didn't look hot and cool like the pilots from the Navy do when they're playing outside and they're all oiled up and the music's playing and it's, like, a fucking real vibe? Like, does it fuck you off because you didn't look like that and then you didn't get on your motorbike

and fucking drive to your girlfriend's house? I didn't bang Meg Ryan. Oh, yeah. You would. First of all, I mean, you would. I reckon that Meg Ryan looks exactly like Steph Klessmith. You're a fucking idiot. No, they look exactly the same.

Everybody should go and compare the two. Anyway, yeah, keep going. What fucks you off about it? First of all. Oh, here we go. Yep. After I played a lot of indoor, I played a few seasons on the sand. So don't get me with the, I did the cool stuff.

I did the outdoor stuff with the, you know, when I was. Did you look like that? I did. I was ripped. They're taping their wrists. Like, there's this thing where they're, like, taping their. Oh, so it's a technical thing. You don't.

What are you fucking doing taping your wrist? Well, you're hitting the ball. Yeah. It makes sense. It fucking doesn't. Because when you snap your wrist, that's how you hit it hard. And if it's all taped, you can't snap it. What are they taping it for? What, to, like, snap your wrist, that's how you hit it hard. And if it's all taped, you can't snap it. What are they taping it for?

What do they, like, snap your wrist off? No, like, you kind of flick it to give a bit of, like, to whack it. Like that. Open hand? Yeah, open hand. And they're like. So is that a spike? What's a.

Oh, my God. So if you, like, set it up. Mm-hmm. Set. Big set spike? Yeah. Bang. Yeah.

I've never in my life seen any, like it's just not a thing. It's not like, oh, I wouldn't recommend that. Like someone has gone, you know what would make this scene look real cool? Let's just do a few cutaway shots of them taping up their wrists. That's not a real thing. And the way they're actually playing, it's very obvious that they've never played volleyball before in their fucking life. Okay.

I don't think anybody is watching this. As someone who's played a lot of volleyball, you're going to roll in some millionaires, because no volleyball has got any money, because they decided to play volleyball instead of a real sport that pays well. No millionaires. These millionaires come rolling in.

They don't know how to fucking play. They're taping their wrists. They're in the wrong positions when they serve it over. You can't hit it back. You need to dig it first. That's illegal. They're breaking the rules. And now that whole movie is ruined for me.

I don't think anybody is watching it to learn how to play volleyball. I'm pretty sure most people watched that movie and their main takeaway was, oh, is that how you play volleyball? And it's not. They're wrong. It absolutely wasn't for me because I had sex in high school while you were fucking bandaging up your knees to play fucking indoor volleyball.

The fact that you said that proves that you've been incepted by the concept of bandaging in volleyball. It's not a fucking thing. And I'm glad that you were getting laid in high school. It sounds like you had friends and having a great time with your life. Yeah. What were you doing? Some of us had to go to training.

Look, you heard me out when I was upset about the underwear. So I'm going to give you the benefit. I understand that when you see something that you love gutted in a movie, it is heartbreaking. There's been lots of times where you go, oh, oh well that's not how that would happen or whatever so i respect your feelings but i genuinely don't think that since that movie came out in 1986 anybody has looked at the technique of the volleyballers i think they're looking at their shirts being off i agree to disagree and if people and let me know in the episode thread today is there a movie scene? You might have loved the rest of the movie, but is there a specific movie scene that you've seen? And that fucks it.

Just fucks you right off and ruins the whole movie. Even times I see Tom Cruise in another movie, in Vanilla Sky. And that's it. Oh, I mean, that movie's pretty crook. Well, the reason it was crook is because I looked at his face. I'm like, what are you going to do? Fucking tape your wrists up before you drive that car from bridge, you fucking idiot.

I've got one. Spoiler alert, he dies. And you know why he dies? Because at the end, Morgan Freeman's like, you're a fucking idiot. No one tapes their wrists playing volleyball. Wow. Okay, I've said my piece. Please go ahead.

I've got one. Have you seen the Margot Robbie margot robbie harley quinn movie birds of prey i'm not the whole movie i've seen the other one where she's harley quinn yeah so it's not the suicide squad one it's like her standalone movie and the movie is fantastic and all the way through she's like fighting and punching and jumping and running and kind of getting away from people or whatever spoiler i don't know when this movie came out, a few years ago, but spoiler, whatever. The whole movie is fantastic and I fucking loved it and I'm not a superhero movie person.

We do love Margot Robbie though. Yeah, who doesn't? Australia's sweetheart. Yeah. Right at the end of the movie, the kind of the big thing happens, like there's a big fight and they're all like fist punching because none of them like in, you know, it's the same as Batman. Like he doesn't have powers.

He has like gadgets. Yeah, they're real people in inverted commas. Yeah. And it's the same for Margot Robbie. She's like on roller skates and that's how she like gets around quickly but she's just like punching people. Then right at the end she like doesn't die because she all of a sudden gets magic powers.

What? She, like, magics herself out of a situation. So the whole movie is, like, amazing and super realistic, but then it only ends well because, like, there's, like, and I just think that's fucking lazy writing. I was just about to say they've got to the end of the movie writing and they go, oh, fuck, we're in a bit of a close one here. How are we going to get out of this?

So they didn't reference these magical powers at the start? No. Because usually you put these magical powers at the start? No. Because usually you put a little scene at the start. There's a little spark to like sow that seed of, yeah. At the start of the movie it's like, and don't forget, Margot, you've got that superpower because you're the granddaughter of. I never told you at the beginning that she's a bit magic. Yeah, because she's the granddaughter of the fucking wizard.

Oh, great. The wizard will see you now. Yeah, the wizard will see you. And then they get to the end of the thing and then, oh, of course. Oh, don't forget the callback to earlier. That's ruined the movie for now. Yeah, the wizard will see you. And then they get to the end of the thing and then, oh, of course. Oh, don't forget the callback to earlier. That's ruined the movie for me. Yep. That is lazy writing.

It's a fucking shame because the movie is so fucking good and then all of a sudden it's like, I don't remember, I know that I'll get a fucking hundred messages like, she doesn't get magic, somebody else does, blah, blah, whatever it is, but there's like magic saves her and I'm just like, what a fucking waste. Is she, she's punching a lot of people? Yeah, so it's like physical fighting.

Describe her wrists during these punches. Would you describe them as bandaged? The way that I would describe them is she's ready for volleyball because they're bandaged. I wonder where she learned that. Yeah, she learned everything about volleyball the way that I did. Top gun. Top gun.

Top gun. It's an insult to the sport, mate. I'm on your side. Thank you. Yeah, I'm on your side. Of all the things happening in the world, can we just get this one right? Throw out your underwear and don't strap for volleyball. You'll like this.

Oh. This is what I love to see this week. Okay. If you found out that someone was very active on LinkedIn and closely followed Harvard University's publications of new scientific and academic findings, what kind of person would you kind of think they are? You.

I'd think it was you. Okay. Is it you? It's not me. Oh, you're a LinkedIn guy. I think probably somebody pretty switched on, pretty plugged in to listens to lots of podcasts, doesn't strap before volleyball.

No. No. Harvard's got a good volleyball program, by the way, college, NCAA. Harvard University health professor, this was a news story, by the way, Harvard University health professor has found that we story by the way Harvard University health professor has found that we should only eat

six fries per serving because of the amount of fat of oils or whatever and the type of person who would see that article is someone who follows Harvard Business Review blah blah here's the top comment from a smart person who's up in the business world on LinkedIn

shut the fuck up nerds and is someone who is pro academia who's up in the business world on LinkedIn. Shut the fuck up, nerds. And there's someone who is pro-academia and has studied and would love to go to Harvard one day. I'm with that guy. Yeah. Don't study that shit. I don't want to know. Yeah, ignorance truly is bliss in this situation.

Yeah, I drank some horrible mixtures of cocktails last night and some disgustingly cheesy, juicy pizza. Oh, yeah. Shout out to Capitano's in Carlton. Yeah. I don't want to know. I don't want Harvard to assess my body this morning. No.

No, absolutely not. And I think that in this case, bullying is OK. Thank you. I'll be all for that. Yeah, great, great. What have you loved to see this week? My love to see it is a tweet that went a bit viral by an author called Stephanie Cook.

Her Twitter handle is at HelloCookie. And the tweet is, Shout out to the woman last night who asked me what I did for a living and when I told her I write graphic novels for children, looked appalled and asked what kind of market there was for writing erotica for kids. She's made a bit of a leap there. Because graphic novels is obviously like...

A code word for... Well, graphic is if you would... Oh, like I make novels but they're graphic. Yeah, but she means like graphic like... Cartoons. Yeah. And this woman's gone, erotica for children! And if that is where that woman's mind goes, get in the fucking bin.

Shame on you. Who assumes that that's what it is? Yeah. What are you reading and doing? Exactly. It sent me. I thought that was so funny. You should have some weird conversations, wouldn't you?

Yeah, you would. What do you do for a living? This. Oh, you must do this, this and this. Yeah. No, it's not the this and this. Yeah. No. No, it's not the same at all. Yeah.

That's like when Bridget, a winemaker, like, oh, so you step on the grapes? Yeah. No. No. I'm not I Love Lucy. So even though it's Thursday, which is normally our Friday, we will be back tomorrow with a quick episode because we've got a type shareholder meeting. We need everyone to get involved.

If you're not here, we will need a sick note from your doctor. It's actually quite serious. I'm just... Meow. I was just giving you a wave while we were about to run out of time. See you tomorrow for the shared TARP holder meeting. Shared TARP holder meeting. It could get fiesty in the meeting, so if there's one thing I suggest.

Tape your wrists. Strap your wrists up, mother. Love you, bye.