Toni and Ryan - In the Courtroom & in the Bedroom

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

Things you can say in the Courtroom and in the Bedroom and some advice for our mate Mikey. Love ya! T xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tony, you're going to lose your shit. Oh, my God. Hello? Oh, my God. Please state your name for Tony Lodge. Holy shit. It's Jade Dillingham, a.k.a. The Big Dill.

The Big Dill! The Big Dill! Finally! All this time you've lived in infamy and now you're on the phone! It's me. I'm a real me. You're a real me. Oh, I feel a bit starstruck.

Same. We've seen a celebrity. Shamsies. I almost had the nervous poops. Oh, I mean, I've got them every day anyway, I used to say. Brian's had a big coffee. The Big Deal. Are you happy to approve this podcast? Yeah.

I'm, I don't know, approving is kind of a big deal. It is. A big deal. No, no. Yes, absolutely, I approve this podcast. Yay! Deal us up. Deal me up, dog. I approve this podcast. Yay! Deal us up! Deal me up, dog.

Deal me in. Hey, it's The Big Deal from Boston and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Hello. I'm Tony. I'm Ryan. And although apparently your boyfriend Torbs calls you Bean. He does call me Bean.

Little Bean? Yeah. That's cute. We were just discovering off air that me and Bridget don't call each other anything. Yeah, we don't. Like, we are not, Torbs and I are not a babe or baby couple. That is not for us. But you call him Snoopy. Yeah. That's cute. Yep. Yeah, we don't, like we are not, Torbs and I are not a babe or baby couple. That is not for us.

But you call him Snoopy. Yeah. That's cute. Yep. Little Snoopy. It's pretty cute. Maybe we don't call each other names because we've got 87 different names for our dog. Yeah.

And he takes all the nicknames. Yeah, it's just, I don't know. Bridget calls me Ryan and I call her Bridget and we move on with our lives. She calls you Rye sometimes. Does she? Yeah, I've heard, I don't know. Bridget calls me Ryan and I call her Bridget and we move on with our lives. She calls you Rye sometimes. Does she? Yeah, I've heard her call you Rye. I think that you just don't take anything in.

All right, I'm going to take it in for the next 24 hours and also pay attention to what she calls me. Well, we're going out this afternoon. Oh, of course. So I'll pay attention. Yeah, well, right, I'll take some notes down. I'll start calling you babe and see how Bridget reacts. Yeah, drop, right, I'll take some notes down. I'll start calling you, babe, and see how Bridget reacts. Yeah, drop that one in.

And then she calls Torb Snoopy. What if she called Torb's big boy? Hey, I'm going to go get a round of drinks. Tony, do you want anything? Ryan, big boy? Big boy. Big boy. All right.

What a fucking weird thing to happen. I'm just like that casually. Like, oh, big boy, did you want something? It's fucking so weird. I'll word up Bridget and get her to say it. We won't tell Torbs. And we'll all keep a straight face. She won't do it.

I don't think Bridget will do it. Nah, she's too much of a pansy. She's too much of a lady. I was trying to think of like a cute pet name that I could call her. I don't know. Too much of a sweetheart. Flower. Petal.

Oh, I like Petal. I think it's quite cute. Anyway. On today's show... Let's talk about fucking. I mean, yeah, you're not wrong. Come on, big boy. Here's things you can say in the courtroom and also in the bedroom.

We're going to work through Exhibit D now all the way through to Exhibit O. We're going to say, are you going to work your way through Exhibit D or is Exhibit D going to work its way through you? Either way, we've got to get through it. And I want to say it now. Call me an insurance lawyer because I'm good at screwing people. Well, you've got insurance.

That's all I have to say. You're going to need it, mate. To keep this locked up is criminal. I like that. And it is criminal. Oh, thank you. That's what a big boy told me. Thanks, Petal.

Are you ready for some verdict? Vag-dict. Oh, sorry. I'll take that back. Thank you. You'd like to rescind that message. The jury will... The jury will see you now.

What's that line when they're like, the jury will ignore that comment? Isn't it like they would take it out of... Yeah. It doesn't matter. We're obviously idiots. This would have made a lot more sense if we knew what the fuck we were talking about. Yeah.

This actually goes against my penal code. No, it doesn't. Rub that penal code up against me. Tony, you're about to be the victim of a penal offence. What does the word penal mean in a legal sense? I actually don't know. I googled it and it didn't come up with anything. It still doesn't make sense.

Like, oh, it's just a dumb fuck word that people in law use. You go, okay, righto. Yeah, and if someone said, oh, it means that if there's a crime against a bird, that's penal, I'd be like, okay. Great, cool. Like, I would have just accepted that because I'm like, well, I don't fucking know. Do you have to wear that little wig?

My merkin? Your gherkin. Your merkin. Your gherkin. Your merkin on your gherkin. Now I assume you're here because you want me to drop the suit? That is very sexy. Thank you. I will drop my suit. Maybe you could present your birthday suit.

Want to meet me hung jury? More like a horse jury. Your honour, I think the honour is all mine. I love the confidence of that. Thank you. And the little wink. I like that.

Yeah. All rise. The Honourable. We've talked about things you call your penis. Your Honour is a great one. Yeah, it is. Well, your honour. Oh, bang me with your gavel.

Gavel's a weird fucking word, isn't it? It is. I really like it because it's almost like onomatopoeia. Excuse me? You know onomatopoeia, how it's like bang, like zap? Because it's like the word that is the sound. What's onomatopoeia though? That's what that's called.

So onomatopoeia is like zap, so it's the word, but it's also the sound. Oh. Or like bang, like. And I feel like gavel. She's like gavel. Well, that's not the sound it makes at all. No, I know, but it's like almost like gavel. There are no pi gavel. Well, that's not the sound it makes at all. No, I know, but it's almost like that.

Like, gavel. There are no peers being matted there. Oh, fuck you. My friends call me Oath. Would you like to go under Oath? I've taken the Oath. Fuck Oath. The fuck Oath.

I swear. Could we just have a quick 15 minute recess? I need to get myself together. You're about to find out just how good of a lawyer I am. Because I'm about to get you off. You're fucking welcome. How much is this going to cost? My legal fees are high.

This person is really not cooperating. Tony, knowing you, you probably won't take this advice on, but you do have the right to remain silent. You're right, I wouldn't take that on. Thanks for the right, Your Honour, but I'll keep fucking making as much noise as I goddamn know why. I'm going to have to take you downtown. Oh, shit.

That's hot. Thanks. Are you pro bono? And you don't need to answer that because I fucking know you are, mate. Free. Pro bono. It means free. It means you're like four bonus.

Yeah, but it means free. Yeah. Yeah. Penal. Oh, cuff me, your honor. Oh, shit. Yeah. Do you remember that fucking weird TikTok trend where like the guy was getting arrested?

Yeah. And it's him like this, like looking back at the girl. Yeah. What the fuck was that? I don't know. Did you see the... So a friend of ours, Christian Hull, he was on the show recently, his version of that, and it was like the guy getting rammed up

and Christian's like, no, come back! He's the thirstiest person I've ever met, Christian. Do all of these people really have to watch the whole thing and then talk about it amongst themselves? Why is there 12 people watching, taking notes? And then they go into the back room, I don't like how we did that thing. No, I don't like that at all.

She wasn't pro bono. No. Will you accept this outcome? I'd prefer an income. I think I just incomeed. Can I come into your chamber? May I approach the bench? My work bench.

Oh, I really don't want my mum to see this. Can you disguise my face before this gets pushed out to the public? Shield me. Tony, for you, I've actually got this gag order. You already told me I have a right to remain silent. I get it. I hear what you're saying, mate. I hear you loud and clear.

You want to know my favourite thing to see in the courtroom? Your object. Your object. I object. I object. I was close. You were. I mean, you always are, but I never quite get you there, do I? You know where I was going.

Did you get there? No, but I knew where I was going. People still laughed. I think I was fine. Hey, it's the Big Bill from Boston, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Yeah. Hey, it's The Big Deal from Boston and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Just a reminder, your attendance is required at a shareholder meeting on Friday. We'll be taking attendance like they did at school. There will be a separate episode on the podcast feed on Friday

and some important plans we need to figure out together. We just need to work some stuff out. Yeah. Yeah. It's now your turn to read their name. We're both looking at each other like, are you going from here? No, no, you go. What should I do?

Yeah. Big thank you to a few of our champion tapas, Joelle, Nicola Pierce, Ben Mathias and Carrie Williams and Mikey Three Cakes. I will see Mikey and his three cakes on Friday. Will you? Yeah. Oh, at the shareholder menu. Yeah.

I see. I thought maybe you were going to see him in real life because I've got a message from Mikey that I wanted to share. Oh, please. So Mikey has messaged on Patreon. He's one of our champion tapas. Yep. Hey there, Tony and Ryan. I'm finally not poor enough to subscribe to your Patreon.

Oh, great to hear. Great to hear. Welcome aboard. Thank you so much. So I've got a subject for you to discuss. I've recently gone into business with my partner and we now own a cafe together. Oh, look at them go.

Isn't that like one of the, like, if you own a cafe. You're better than all of us. You've got your shit together. And I love. You're fucking sorted. And don't you think it's just like so wholesome and cute having a cafe? People come to your place of business and get something they enjoy and have a good time and catch up with friends and you're like the facilitator.

I love that. I love it. And like like you're part of people's routine. Yeah. Like, oh, yep. I always go down to Mikey Three Cakes Cafe, grab a coffee, then I jump on the tram or whatever. Anyway, first ever nine to five job, a big step up from being a fisherman for the last 13 years. Holy shit. Yeah. Massive change. I know, but I need some help. We close, our cafe closes at four, and nearly every day at 3.50, a couple come along and order coffee, then proceed to sit down on our decking for half an hour or more. You can guess the age of those people, I reckon. Yeah.

They are the slightly more wealthy type who don't work. Very poignant from Mikey Three Cakes. You've tried poignant again. I still don't think it's the right use of it. I'll keep trying. I'll keep trying. Who tend to put every human they interact with below them, so they're a little bit rude, and they're very good at pointing

out my mistakes and trying to make me feel guilty when I start putting chairs and tables away around them, trying to give them a hint to fuck off. That is one of the great hints. You don't need to tell them you're closing up. You just start putting tables and chairs up. Yeah. My partner thinks I need to chill, which is true, I guess, but I do feel like they're trying to take advantage.

What do you think? Am I getting my knickers in a twist or am I right in thinking they shouldn't turn up late and expect us to delay getting home to our kids and dog? Out of the family in there for a bit of sympathy. Oh, no, he's just thrown those little curveballs in because he knows how to get us. Should delay us getting home to our kids and dog because they want to sit and drink coffee for hours.

I mean, surely if they really wanted to enjoy coffee, they could turn up earlier. Thanks in advance. P.S. Mikey Three Cakes is a nickname. Obviously my parents aren't that cruel. Thanks for clearing that up. So it's not his surname? No.

No. No, it's not. I'm glad he cleared that up. That was my one concern of this whole story. This is what I was going to bring up. So I feel like instantly you've got a reaction and it might not be the one that I expected. I'm like, yeah, Mikey, stack those chairs, babe.

You don't need to chill out. They're fucking coming in and shitting on your boundaries. You're saying our cafe is open till four and they're walking in ten minutes before and expecting a fucking long, leisurely afternoon. Get fucked. Which side of the fence are you sitting on? Yeah, wow, you're in the middle.

Yeah, no, I just want to pick a side. Okay, originally when I hear they come in at 3.50, I was about to tell Mikey Three Cakes to go fuck himself because if you say you're open till 4, you're doing coffee till 4. I don't like it when they say, oh, we're open till four and you rock up at 3.30. Oh, the kitchen's closed. Well, then say 3.30.

Yeah. Or like, oh, we're cleaning the coffee machine. Clean it after four because that's when you shut. No, totally agree with you on that. And one thing that really fucks me off, which is maybe a stretch, but you know how you have to have six months extra on your passport to go overseas? Yeah. It's not a 10-year passport then if you can't use it in the last six months, is it? It says it's valid till September. So I should

be allowed to travel in August. We go, oh, sorry, you don't have an extra six months. It's the same thing as when you rock up and they go, oh, we're open till four, but you have to order coffee at fucking one o'clock because we have to clean the machine and mop the floors and blah, blah, blah. Hey, hey, hey, when you put your hours up, that's for the customer. That's not for you. This is you saying, customers, you're welcome between nine and four. That's not me just letting you know. When I'll be there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So originally I was about to tell Mikey Three Cakes to go fuck himself. However, no one hates a snooty old bitch pushing her boundaries. Yeah, I knew as soon as I said they were wealthy that you'd change. That's fucked me right off. Yeah. Do you reckon he drops a, hey, ladies, just letting you know we're closing at four? Or are they deliberately, are they the kind of bitches that probably know that

and just are begging to be told off so they can clap back and, you know what I mean? Like, are they picking a fight here? It feels like it because you know well and truly, like if you're somewhere and they're starting to pack up, you know straight away that Ryan is putting a chair on the table next to you. No, no, you keep going. I'll just get this chair here. Oh, okay. Sorry. Are you finished with that coffee there, mate? Yeah. Ryan is putting a chair on the table next to me. No, no, you keep going.

I'll just get this chair here. Oh, okay, sorry. Are you finished with that coffee there, mate? Yeah, sorry. I'll just take that cup for you. I'm still drinking that. Okay, thanks, mate. Stay as long as you like and I'll just fucking move your microphone over here and pack it up.

Thank you. Okay, all right. Thank you. Okay, go on. The audio kinks. Sorry, there's a bit of chaos there. Yeah, wow. I think that you know straight away when a cafe

or a restaurant is like wrapping you up and to be that unaware of your surroundings I just think is like a shitty attitude and like weird privilege thing of being like the customer is always right and I'm actually, I've paid for this coffee, I deserve to be here. No, you actually don't. People are allowed to have boundaries and they're letting you come in and get a coffee at 3.50, which is already, you know,

probably later than they would love to serve coffee. I will say though, don't put the first chair up until 4 o'clock. Back to my rule of if you're open until 4, don't be packing up around me at 3.50. I'll leave at 3.59 if that's what you want, but don't pack shit up around me. 3.50. I'll leave at 3.59 if that's what you want. Yeah. But don't pack shit up around me. Yeah.

What about this for a thought? Yeah. When you've got a job and your hours are nine till five. Yeah. You don't wrap up at ten to five. Don't you? I mean, I'm gone at 20 past four. No, no.

But I guess. You're like walking out the door now. I'm like, we're not done yet. Is if you want to leave at four, like if, and hey, power to, what's your name? Johnny Three Cakes. Mikey Three Cakes. Are you listening?

There's a lot of information to digest. Yeah. There's a lot of information to poignant. I get it. So what was it? Poignant Pete. If he wants to leave at four, then you might have to close at three.

Yeah. And go, then I'll clean the machine, then I'll pack the shit up, then I'll mop up, then I'll do the books for the end of the day and blah blah. If you want to go home to your family, like, good for you. And that's fine. That is fine. But if you're saying we close at four and you want to leave at 4.01, you prop like, this is small business, bro. It's hard. There's a lot of extra stuff. You've got to factor that in. And do, just factor it in. Just say we leave at 4.01, you prop like, this is small business, bro. It's hard.

There's a lot of extra stuff. You've got to factor that in. And do, just factor it in. Just stay with close at 3. So you think that if they want to get out at, but then don't you think that there's always going to be someone that walks in at 2.50? Yeah, and then you've built that buffer in. You've built the buffer in of like cleaning around them and being like,

well, we shut at 4 at 3. So even if you come in at 2.50, that's fine. You can finish your coffee out on the deck. Yeah, we'll get you a takeaway cup. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh, bring on your business problems.

Yeah. Fucking sorted. Wow, that's really impressive. Thank you. You should be like a consultant or something. You're taking the piss, mate? Like help people out. You're taking the piss, mate?

Because you're a consultant? Sometimes. I really, I think that he doesn't need to chill though. I think that that's taking the piss. You know when a cafe closes, you get the point. I think that they should fuck off and not be, like it's happening all the time. They know.

Okay, new plan. Yep. It's called the passive aggressiveness or the pettiness. Yep. Print the times opening and closing on the cups. They normally do. Really? Oh, at My Oh My on Swan Street,

they've got their opening hours on their cups. So when you pick up the cup, it's right in your face. Yeah. So when Karen, because we fucking know that's her name, puts it up to her mouth, she sees and actually write on it, G'day, Karen, I know you ordered this at 3.50. But it's now 4 o'clock. If you can get the fuck out at 3.59, I really fucking appreciate it.

But you just know that Karen and her friend Prue are sitting out on the deck. They're not drinking out of a takeaway cup. No. They're drinking out of, they've got a pot of Earl Grey and they've got cups and saucers sitting there and their milk jug hasn't even been used. You know, I think that's what we're working with here. For everything you're saying, but don't fucking bring Earl Grey

into this, mate. It's the superior tea. I like an Earl Grey. Thank you. I like an English breakfast though as well. It's quite good. But what I was going to say is, yeah, I don't think that you need to chill because as someone who gets immediately flapped

and lets things get to them straight away, there's lots of things that in my relationship with Torbs, things will get to me straight away and he'll be like, you just need to fucking chill out and it's not a big deal. Like if our neighbours are like listening to music or something and I can hear it, I'm like, oh! And Torbs will be like, it doesn't affect you. You just need to get over it.

Big boy talking straight. Yeah. Or do you like, he can get fucked off about this every day for the next five years or he could. Just get over it. Or nip it in the bud tomorrow and then it's done. And say, like, actually, we've got kids. And I reckon lay it on thick.

Oh, you know, we've got kids and, like, we need. But I think you're right, build the buffer in. I'm fucking torn. I'm Natalie Imbruglia because, oh, I actually, yeah, I was so, I had a formed argument. Next week we'll have a follow-up. Oh, yeah. Mikey, I know that you're listening to this.

Let us know what you end up doing. And tell us those bitches' names. Yeah, and we'll come down and bloody shaft them. We need to personalise this and get aggressive. Yeah. I'll fucking shaft them. We'll come right down. Things you'll have to see.

There's this guy, right? His name on TikTok is Luke E. O'Halloran. Nice. And his brother is like a sassy, fiery man. Oh, my God. Have you seen this? Is this the boomerang TikTok? No, but he's done a lot of them, so maybe.

But this specifically. You know there's a bit of a prank where you kind of walk behind someone and go, achoo, and then like spray them with a bit of water. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just to see how they react. So the sassy brother is very clean, very hygienic. So being sneezed on. Especially post-COVID.

Oh. Yeah. So this guy thought, oh, this will be funny. We might get a reaction. Was he right? Pretend to sneeze on your sassy brother are you kidding me what are you fucking with me what you are a fucking dirty dog get going you and you didn't go on me i'm stoking wet. This is why we're in a pandemic because your penis feel like

you. This is my COVID spreading like a bushfire. Hang yourself up and get out of here. I don't care. Fuck off. Give me your tissue. It's wet. It's wet.

I've seen their videos and they're so funny. He's so good. I love it. And just the look on his face instantly. You dirty fucking dog. I love it when people get hot instantly. That's me. I get hot instantly.

You do. You are zero to 100. Yeah. I've got a tweet from a guy called AtGothTacular. Ooh. And the tweet is landlord and landlady are needlessly gendered words.

Please be more inclusive by just calling them a land bastard instead. I would have also accepted land c***. That's what I would say as well, but I didn't think we could say that on the podcast.

Beep it out. I'd also like to let you know that I am also a landlord. Land bastard. Well, I am a bastard because my parents weren't married when I was conceived. Yeah, and then they left you. Yeah. Mother's Day coming up as well. That's tough. Speaking of which, on Thursday,

in the lead up to Mother's Day, our favourite day of the year. Our favourite day. It's a very triggering day for Tony and I. You're going to hear... We're mining our trauma for you. I mean, truer words haven't been spoken. On Thursday, jokes that only I, as an adopted boy, can tell

and jokes that Tony, the daughter of a motherless... What's the... I've fucked up your charity. What's the charity called? It's called Motherless Daughters Australia, but you did a great job. Thank you. Only jokes Tony can tell.

Only daughter with mother who dead mother daughter. I'm flapped. It's flapped me. Yeah, it's because it's a flappable week. Week for us. It's a big week. It's a flappable week for us. And, I mean, the Mother's Day fucking email started two months ago.

So you're like, it's coming. We get it. We fucking get it. If only brands would text me and remind me about a day that triggers us. Yeah. If only I could get constantly reminded that I need to buy a gift for my mother. That will go in the fucking bin because I can't give it to her.

I'm going to have to ask you to calm the meows. It's really hard when it comes around to Meows Day. Love you, bye.