Toni and Ryan - Is This Kissing Habit A Red Flag

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

Whimsy things - NORMAL or NAH - Hens Party flyers- love ya!!!!!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I dated a guy who would grunt when we kissed. Oh! I said, what are you doing? And he said, I will grunt at you when I want more tongue. We'll grunt away, piggy. Fuck you. Hi, I'm Rachel from Galish, Schultland. Hi, I'm Haley from Colchester, Essex, UK.

Hi, I'm Veronica from Sydney, Australia. And I am a pre-b podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Arthur Tony Lodge. Hi. tomorrow night we are live in Dublin looking forward to seeing our Irish tarples

that's going to be sick and then next Tuesday we are at the Troxy Theatre in London for Tony's Hens party if you would like to come Tony's Hensparty.co.uk is your chance to get involved. I'm getting married. I'm so excited. She's getting married. We're sending her off

from Singleton into Married town. Push me off. With a lovely party. Get me off. Also this Saturday. You're going to eat me out of my hens party like at the confession we heard the other day? I'm planning on it. You're like, it's in the script.

Saturday afternoon, we are going to be on the streets of London, handing out some flyers for the show, trying to get some last minute of people in. Yep. And we got some good ideas. Well, you've got some. Oh, okay. Say nothing.

Say nothing. Good ideas. Yeah. Okay. Ideas. And I'll get you to, we're a team. Yeah.

You can sign off or say, maybe not. No, that's fine. So we'll see what we got here. That's coming up soon. But first, let's do normal or nah. Let's do normal or nah. Tarpa Matt and sent this through. Thank you, Tarpa Matt.

Hi, Tapa Matt. Narrating your own life like a David Attenborough documentary. Normal or nah. I guess I have to do it now because he's... Got to do the voice, yeah. In a bold move, Matt goes for the thick-cut sourdough. Here we observe, Matt, once again, attempting to find his keys. a ritual he performs daily.

That's a good, I think that's a good Attenborough. Sometimes dramatic, sometimes petty, sometimes inspirational. I don't know when I started doing it, but I actually just do it daily. Like his internal monologue is David Attenborough commentating his life. Yeah. He kind of was like, is anyone else doing this? So normal or nah, ask Matt. It's a nah from me, but I love it.

It's also a nah from me, but I think it's really fun and whimsical. Have you seen that Instagram, TikTok, that's, It's like, what are things that you do in your day that, like, add a bit of whimsy or, like, kind of cheer you up or whatever. Like, what would yours be? Do you got anything? Well, I read this one that someone did. And it always makes me giggle. And it's like, every time I go to do the dishes, I go, bath time guys.

And then scrub all the dishes or like. Let's all jump in together. And somebody else said, like, whenever I walk past a mirror, I go, my lady. And, like, tip my own hat to myself. Which I just thought was so sweet. Well, I shake hands with Mabel every day and say, good day, sir. That's very sweet. I don't know if that counts.

It's just whimsical. Like, it's just sweet. Some things that are just, like, silly for being, for enjoyment. What would a line or two of David Attenborough documenting your life sound like Tony? She probably doesn't need a second lunch. However, she asked the team if they would like a crispy pork by me. Tony has floated by me. today.

I'd like to be correctly quoted as saying, it's a bad day to be a crispy book on me, is what I said. And I still agree with that. I still think that it stands. It's a great day to be an Uber-Each delivery driver who's going to drive from the Vietnamese bakery to our place. And get to meet us. Yeah.

Welcome. I could take the job. I could do it. Make some money. Yeah. If we all order, instant cash out. You guys tip.

For you? Charles. For me. He intended on doing 15 minutes on the treadmill, but again, eight will suffice. I think one for you, Ryan, is like, the phone was flat again. Still, he perseveres. Because your phone is flat, but you persevere. I push on.

See, I think I want to hype you. I don't want you to do a shitty one about yourself. I want to hype you up. Best friends. 23. Everyone. I'm placed your bets on my current battery level on my phone. 23%?

42. Oh, Charles. Way wrong. 31. 31 from Lil? 33. Tommy. Danielle, you always do that with a bit.

Did anyone say above 50? No. Go fuck yourselves, the lot of you. What did you say, Charles? I said 42. That's not above 50. You don't look at me like, you're like, what the fuck I saw it? Yeah, it's the highest I've everyone.

Tony? I said 23. What does that say? And it said, 93 My fucking pussy the lot of you I won How's that happened

That's amazing Did you just buy this Does it Does it can't Do you can't Hulling charged Normal or nah No

Grunting at someone When they want more tongue Tung Tapa Carly said I dated a guy who would grunt when we kissed. I said, what are you doing? And he said, I will grunt at you when I want more tongue. He'd done it with every partner he'd had. He'd never been in a long-term relationship.

Sorry, but... Apparently, I was the weirdo for having a problem with it. You're not. Carly, you're not the weirdo. You're not the problem there. Sorry, but the sentence, I will grunt when I want more tongue. I will grunt at you when I want more tongue. Sorry, I will grunt at you when I want more tongue is sickening and not in like a fierce way.

That is disgusting. I will grunt at you when I want more tongue. We'll grunt away, piggy. Fuck you. I'm out of here. Grunt yourself down the driveway and keep going. And like, hoof on down to the fucking tongue town. Find it somewhere else.

take a long grunt of a short pierre you're acting like a real grump I'm not letting you in my grunt but just like I think that there's like yeah like there's a sexy way to like but who says when I want more tongue

even that bit without the grunt is still a fuck part of like thing to say when I want more tongue I actually don't have enough tongue at the moment but surely there's like, or if that's what you want, if you're like, I'm a tongue guy. I'm a tongue guy. God, it's a day of first.

I just never thought that I would say any of these words in a string sentence together at work. I think if you're a tongue guy, surely you just be like, oh, I really like it when you do that. and then that's just something that you both do rather than like every time I want to you know what I mean? If you're just a tongue guy, I think that's sweet and the person can like oblige or not oblige like that's up to, you know?

I'm not going to yuck your yum, but don't ask it like a total grunt. It's the, you're an absolute mad grunt if you think that is going to work for you. Now, I don't know why. Carla gruntie. Wasn't it named Carla? Carla.

Is her name Carla? Carly. Carly. Carly grunty. For some reason in my mind, this guy is either 5 foot 10 or less or 6 foot 5 or more. I'm just picturing a fucking empty cardboard box. Just absolutely, just nothing. And that dusty smell.

I can't even picture a human because no one would say that. Carly, we're on your side. Carly, we're on your side completely. Grunt if you want more fucking punches in the face. I don't know. I just got mad. Yeah, we knew. We knew.

It's controversial potentially. Tapa Melissa. Hi, Tapa Melissa. How long, no one? Using marangs to judge whether a bakery is worth buying a meat pie from. Oh, fucking no. If a bakery doesn't have marangs, I will not buy meat pie from them. Ask me the number of times I've purchased a meringue.

Tony? Yeah. Yeah, what? What's up? Hey, man. How many times have you purchased a meringue? Never. Really?

I think a meringue is stupid and pointless. It's like fairy floss. Dumb. Fairy floss is stupid. Fairy floss is stupid. But I agree it's whimsical, kids like it, but it's dumb. It's dumb. Fairy floss has no place on the fucking, I'm not to say on the human pyramid.

What's the pyramid? The food pyramid. Yeah. I don't think it has a place on the food pyramid. It doesn't. That's what I'm saying. Thanks for agreeing. And that place is in my mouth.

No, I just don't like the way it's fucking melts away. I tell you what's giving me the hebi-jeebies right now. Yeah. Is it that you got no shoes on again? Yeah. It's bi. biting into a meringue with my front teeth because it's like too like, like the same ick of like scratching a whiteboard or something.

Because it's got that crunch scratch kind of tape, a sound. I would, I fuck a Pavlova. I fuck with a Pavlova, but I would never just buy a meringue. She'll go into a baker and go, I feel like a pie.

Orders a meringue and if it's good, she goes, these guys are worth their salt. I will get the meat pie. I just, I'm also probably, I wouldn't even get a meat pie, to be honest.

I would, I, I fuck with this. I like a pie, but it's not my go-to. I'm a sausage-dryl, man. Like, oh, do you know what? Also, fuck so hard, but they are easy to fuck up. A spinach and ricotta roll.

Yep. So good, but they're often not seasoned. They're often not. They're, like, often very bland. The way you said that was just like... They're often not seasoned. It was just like the most disappointing thing that could ever happen in your entire life. But also, it was as if, like, Nigella was here.

here for a second. They're often not seasoned. They're often not. I don't know why I'm saying often not. I don't think I've ever said that before that term phrase. It's as if someone's like, Tony. We've got some terrible news. You've got some terrible news.

Your mother has this harrowing disease that she will not live through. Death. And this. Spoiler. And this bakery isn't seasoning. It's fucking fetter and what was it? No. So what?

No, the situation would be. And he went, this is the worst news. Also, what's up with mum? What's going on with mum? No. So the thing is, is that the doctor goes, Tony, your mother has a terrible disease. And unfortunately, she's going to die. To try and make things a little bit better, we got you a spinach and ricotta roll.

And then I go, oh, I just got to drown my sorrows in this spinach and ricotta roll. And I bite into it. And I go, it's not seasoned. They're often not. Like, kick a slut while she's down. It was probably a fucking Monday. What is the season? Like just salt?

Yeah, it's just. Like the garlicy salt, that kind of. Yeah, garlic salt. I do, when I make a spinach and ricotta thing, you've got to do quite a bit of salt because the moisture in the spinach, like, gets, there's just nothing in there. You need salt and you need a bit of pat. You need a bit of smoked paprika.

That'll, you're fucking joking me. I'm not, mate, I don't, I would never joke about paprika. I take that back. Yeah, thank you. I don't fuck with joking about paprika. Two things that I don't do, pranks and paprika. Do you mix... Two things I don't fuck with.

Your paprika, salt and garlic into the same mix or rub? Or do you separate... Because I'm going to take some stuff away and I'll get my little jars out. Not the one from your fucking dirty cupboard. No, I think the cupboard has been exercised. It's demons. I hope so.

You can check it. But I'm getting my start because I'm, you know... You're not bringing fucking seasoning to. to Europe. You're not. Have you looked inside my medical bag? I got some nexium in case I get a little reflux. I've got my mint tech, which is like helpful my tummy because it's like mint and like

the IBS and stuff. Oh. Armour Force? Armour Force. Panadol. Yep. And required seasonings. So what I'm asking is.

Like a witch doctor. Yeah. So because I put in the little tubs. Yeah. Would you prefer? I'd prefer. them separate. Okay.

Because I think then you've got more control. And for the customs officer, yeah, that white stuff is salt. Maldon bring out like a rock flake cocaine. They have to crush up before you use it. I thought you were going to say little Terry's bringing out of salt. What? Who's little Terry? Oh.

Well, if the salt guys are doing cocaine, then the cocaine guy can do some salt. Oh, I got you. Let's get mixing up. Diversifying. The portfolio. Peter Drury Mulholland. One of the greatest named Tarpers to ever step foot on this earth. Jury is the middle.

Yeah. Like from Drury Lane. That's two roads, yeah. Mulholland Drive and Drury Lane. That's crazy. And Peter Crescent. Oh, just off Ryan Lane. Ryan Lane.

That's a person. No, that's Nathan Lane. No, but his brother's rhyme. Is it? Oh. Who's the guy from the football? Brian Felipe. No, that's Ross Lyons.

So I was thinking of. Sorry. I don't know why he came in time. Didn't he just get fucking. Ross Lion? Yeah. Ross Lyons? Lion.

Oh, just singular. Yeah. Only one lion. I'm so sorry. There's only one coach of St. Kilda. He's not a twin. Yeah.

I didn't fucking buy accident. But. Oh, is he a twin? But like, we don't know that he's not. So true. No, you're actually right. I don't know that Ross Lyons isn't a twin. Never assume anyone's not a twin is what I've learned.

And that is actually words to live by. What? What? Yeah, did he just get fucked off? Nah, but he fucked up and he apologised and it's fine. Oh, I just saw a press conference. Yeah. They're always doing them, aren't they?

They're always, yeah. It's always some. Who would want to be a football coach? Oh, fuck that. One guy wins and everyone else is like defending their job 24-7. Yeah. Everyone's just fucking waiting for the next coach. to get ripped to shreds.

Yeah. Who the fuck would want that? Being like that kind of capacity, that kind of job would be so much pressure. Peter Drury Mallholland Drive. Drury Lane Mulholland Drive. Peter Crescent. Peter Crescent, Jewry Lane, Mah Holland Drive. Creating intense rivalries with strangers at the pool that only exist in my head, normal or nah.

Normal. That bitch with the yellow cap doesn't even know we're racing, but we are. But we are. Rinkley Dave. looks like he should be dead by now, but he isn't. There's no way I'm stopping before he does. Nah. Because you're like, if that 80 year old is pumping it out and here I am, don't quit.

Well, that's, I can keep going as long as this guy can. Is this behaviour normal or no? I'm creating intense rivalries, backstories to the storylines. And I've got all this information. Then I just get out of the pool. I'm like, hey, mate. And they're like, what? Yeah.

And then you leave. No, I think it's good because especially in the pool, because you can't listen to anything. I think you've got to kind of think about. something. Yeah. It's kind of nice to have a bit of like a yardstick that you're trying to like get to or beat or whatever. Do you like if someone is yeah, like half a stroke ahead of you and you go,

oh, I could probably catch up to them by the end of this. Is that enough to just like churn you through? Either catching up or being like, oh, if they tumble and go straight back, I won't stop. Okay. Yeah. You know, whatever. Or like at Pilates, if you go, I really want to put my hands down. But like the person, and I'm like, I'm going to keep.

going. I don't want to be the first one to drop my arms or whatever. And it's a good motivator, I reckon. I once raced this guy in inverted commas. Yeah. And like just beat him to the end and then stopped gasping for air. And then he just pumped out another kilometre. Yeah.

And I was given, I was like, I'm giving you 25 of my best meters. Yeah. And that's all the gas I got in the tank. And I'm giving it everything. And I've just pipped him. And he's just in like warm up merch. Yeah. And he's, I'll be going all day.

day, bud. Yeah, and then you're just like, but I bet you when it counted. Yeah. And he doesn't even know I gave him everything I had. Nah. He's racing someone else in the fast lane. I'm Haley from Colchester, Essex, UK.

Hi, I'm Richard from Galish, Scotland. Hi, I'm Veronica from Sydney, Australia. And you're listening to Tony Ryan. A massive shout up to a few of our Champion Taupers. I read our Patreon. Thank you very much for being part of it. We did a little for our Champion Tappers last week, little Mario Kart live stream. How good Mario Carlin's been streaming in there, getting ready for the live, for the hens party. Like the Grinch, your friend, the Grinch.

The Grinch was developed during a live stream. And someone said it is prank adjacent, but Tony likes the Grinch, so I think it's fine. So many opportunities. In hindsight, are we still? I liked the Grinch. Yeah, I liked it. Cool. We do own that costume now. Yeah.

So there might be a few more Grinch appearances. Yeah. Yeah, Christmas in July. I have suggested that is a great idea. Thank you so much. I love to contribute. Love it. So true.

Thank you very much to a few of our champion Tarpers, though, that were hopefully part of those live streams. Clayton Colb, good on you, Clayton, Joel Hargrove, Victoria Granger, Chantelle Wilson, Kate the Great. Love to say that, Kate. Kate the Great. Kate the Great. Tony the pony. Coat the goat

with Charles the Schmars Ryan the crime and crying. Crying John. Amanda Creasy Joel's sister

Gary Watts Good on you Gary Gummer Willis Penelope and Denise Barwin-Trollvic Thank you very much Denise Absolutely love to see it Thanks for being part of it.

Do we just have the word Gemma and Watts said next to each other And it wasn't Gemma Watts Gary Watts Gemma Willis Thro's done that. Gary, what's, comma, Gemma, Willis?

Willis? Now, the hens party is on Tuesday night. We're very much looking forward to it. I can't believe how quickly it's current. Sewing done. Sewing has been done. Thank you for mentioning that. Are we doing the hot take?

We didn't get an answer yesterday. I did a hot take yesterday. No, no, no, like on the stuff. Oh my gosh. I see, I don't think so. Okay, good. I don't think it's the time. No.

Because I've got a really good. get angry for it. I mean, as we saw yesterday. Yeah, it's not the vibe. I don't think it's the right energy. So we booked out a massive... The only hot tape, more like shop tape. And I take a shot.

Will you be drinking on the night? Probably not. I don't think so. Definitely not during the show. Maybe after or later. Or maybe not. Maybe. I don't know.

I just don't like it. It just doesn't make me feel good. And that's not. in a shady, like, I don't drink. It makes Charles and I feel great. But like, at the time. You know when people are like, I'm not really drinking or whatever? They're like, and you are?

Wow. That's what you sound like. Interesting. I don't, I don't ever mean it like that. It just really doesn't make me feel good. Tuesday night, which means a few days to go, grab your tickets. We booked a massive theatre. There's room for everyone, but there's still a few seats to go.

And we really want to meet everyone. Yep. Now, we're going to be handing out some flyers on Saturday afternoon in London. A bit old school. Yep. And I've made some flights here and I just want to get your vibe on the messaging. Okay. If we've nailed this, are you going to feel comfortable you handing this out to strangers to invite them to your hands party?

Yeah, sure. Does it best represent ourselves and the top community? Sure. So first of all, I've got management at Royal Albert Hall said, hell no, but your soul is screaming, hell yeah, let's go. Do we like this? Yes or no? Do you know about this?

I don't know what you're... No, I don't. They wouldn't let us have it there. At the Royal Albert Hall. Yeah. I mean, it stands to reason that that I would understand. That's rude though. Yeah.

Yeah. But your soul is screaming. Hell yeah, let's go. The Tony and Ryan podcast present Tony's Hens party. She's own art at Troxy Theater. Okay, and there's all the info. I'd be honest. Immediately, the layout's not what I expected.

What did you expect? like a like just a portrait a four or even a three you know but like upways um and like you know the name of the show and then maybe a little picture and then the spiel at the bottom like a poster well we're testing the messaging so i didn't want to go full poster okay sure yeah so the layout is i should ignore the layout i'm just asking about the messaging potentially okay potentially okay so the rural ar behold i think that one might be confusing because people might be like, yeah, it's at the Royal Albert Hall.

Well, they said, hell no. No, but is it mentioning another venue? Does that confuse the message? Management at Royal Albert Hall said, hell no. But your scroll is, your soul is screaming. Hell yeah, let's go. Yeah.

I think that offering another venue might be confusing. Something old, something new. Something Tony, something new. I like that. That's very, very. Very fun. We do like that? I really like that.

That's in the yes pile. I'll hold the yes pile. I like that little, because something old, something new, something borrowed something blue. Yeah. That's very cute.

Something Tony, something new. Question mark. Will you be there? A lot of poems and they all rhyme. Fuck you, Betty. This one rhymes.

Take that back. No. Three, half of her grandkids are going to be there on Tuesday night. Half, yeah. Cousin Bonnie, cousin Rowdy. And me. And me.

And you. Yeah. Australia's dirtiest mouths. Australia's cleanest bowels. I like that. You go, clean assholes and dirty mouths. That sounds like a fun night.

Because you know the Tapa who won that tank of fuel the other day and how she was wearing that shirt that was like my mouth is. dirty, you should see what my pussy does or whatever? What did that t-shirts say? What did the t-shirt say? If you think my mouth's dirty, you should see my face or something. What was the... Do we know what that it was?

Do you know what I'm talking about, Charles? No. It's on my Instagram. If you just made that up, Tony? No, I didn't. I'm like, oh, maybe is that just something I bought the other day? Thanks. Here it is.

It's like a funny, dirty shirt. What do, Rory... Rory. Oh, I've got a good heart, but this mouth. Yeah, nice. Slightly different to what you said. Yeah. You think this mouth is dirty?

Check out the pussy. My asshole. Yeah, a little bit dear. Sorry, Rory for the character assassination there. Australia's dirtiest mouths. Australia's cleanest boughs. I like that. That's in the yes, tile.

That's it. That's in. Now this next one. How many more are we rolling? Two more. Two more. Okay. This next one says,

come to our party. See you next Tuesday. Oh, because on Tuesday. Yeah. So come to our parties in an issue. This may be a format issue. That's in the yes pile as well. Come to our party.

No, it says see you next Tuesday. That is so funny. I love that. In fact, these yeses can see ya. Do we have to blur that on the screen for YouTube? No, so. Because it says see you next Tuesday. It says see you next Tuesday.

It does, technically. I really, that is really very funny. I wish that we'd gotten the T-shirts. to say that. Same. That's a real shame. That's funny. Okay, thank you.

We've got a lot of, oh, that's a nice GSM. This one's nicer than these ones. Yeah. This is different paper. Is it? I don't know if that's, this one feels loose saying on.

Feel these two. That is a thicker paper. And then feel that one. That's the same as this one. It's a thick. If you think my mouth's thick, you should see my pussy. Sorry. Come to our party, cunt.

And lucky last, our show is hot fun garbage. It's five-star trash. Everyone who attends gets a bridesmaid sash. Hopefully no one leaves with an itchy red rash. Fingers crossed, we get to see the bright to be's gash. Oh, I love that. Do we love that? I do.

Do you want to see my God? Always, sweetheart. Now, if you're lucky, we might get a pash. That's probably more friendly than like check out again. Show me gash. Question. Question. You're going through the city on a Saturday.

Maybe you're going to the shops or something. You've had sex that morning. Yep. You've set your sex alarm. Statistically, most likely. And someone you don't know just goes, Gidey, mate, they don't want to show Tuesday. They do you want to come and they hand us this?

You look at that. Yeah. Are you attending? I'm, oh. I want to say yes because I am attending. I am going. Yeah, but again, you're a stranger. That I'm a stranger.

This person comes up. No, I'm probably not. And I'm going, God, that paper's pretty thin. What's a GSM on that? Go, what's the GSM on that bad boy? All right, so which one are you more likely to say yes to? Oh, do I, can I only pick one? No, no, we can do whatever you want, sweetheart.

I really like Come to Our Party. I really like this. I wonder if there's a way to incorporate, Come to Our Party, Cunt, hosted by the Tony and Ryan podcast, Australia's dirtiest mouths and cleanest bowels. Yeah, I can, could you bring those together? I'll talk to the graphic designer. And then I also.

It's me. It's me. It's me. I'm a great designer. And I also really like. like the poem of something old, something new, something new, something new. Okay. Question mark.

Yep. I think that's really creative and really sweet. Thank you. But this is my favourite. Okay. I'm glad because I like that one. That's why you printed it on the thickest paper. You wouldn't believe that I didn't print them, but yes, I did.

I'm giving you a lot of credit here. And I'm being honest. Yeah. You don't have to be. And I did print it for you. This is amazing. Thank you. Did you come up with this?

Yep. That's good stuff. You know what actually happened? I wrote See You Next Tuesday. And you went, Ha! Yeah, like I actually wrote it on one of the other ones

and then went, that's its own flyer. It's beautiful. Thank you. Come to our party. That's just good stuff. There's just no way that if someone handed this to you that you wouldn't go.

Like if someone goes like, hey, you're interested? I'm so pumped that you're pumped. Don't you reckon? Yeah. We're going to have to print extra. So,

well, I guess I have to. now. Like, I can't not come to that party. It also tells you we're Australian. Yeah. It sets you up.

See you in the NT. It sets up your expectations. Yes. Are we allowed to swear on stage because you can't beep it live? I will be. I will be. Okay. Cheers, I hope we don't have to pay per beep on this episode.

Imagine if you did with sound effects. Every time you use it, three bucks. she's so stoked I'm so pumped about this this is great how did none of us realize it was on a Tuesday no that's why I'm like

did you come up with that because how have we not said it yeah maybe because it hasn't been next Tuesday till now yeah so maybe we just were like oh well that's not phrasing

we mentioned next Tuesday maybe it was yesterday or the day before and I knew I had that coming and I was like I hope she doesn't like Go, oh, see her, excuse that and like, fuck. There goes me flyer.

Oh, there goes me fucking flyer. Oh, here goes me flying. No, I'm not thinking of another fact to flyer. Oh, I didn't have to think of another fly, mate. You think flyer. Fucking. Did you swim me in? Actually, flyer.

Is that a mosquito? No, just a regular flyer. What'd she cook on that George Foreman? Oh, it's a grill, not a friar. Sorry, my mistake. I take that back. I take that back. I got you love to see it here.

I'm going to be a friend. Sorry, I think I'm doing a laugh I've never done before. What am I Ryan on deal or no deal? What was that? Oh, fucking play that noise back. That was crazy. It's the end of the week and we're getting a bit silly.

We just realized we're performing in Dublin tomorrow night. There we go. For those playing along at home, Tony has wedged the come to our party, C-U-N-T sign between her breasts and the microphone. Yeah, it's not really weird. My boobs aren't that big. My boobs aren't big enough.

Oh! I got to you love to see it. I would love to say it. This is from Austin Stevens. Hi Austin Stevens. A few months ago, my partner and I got into bird watching. We've set up a... Damos likely to have sex.

Oh, not applicable. Nah, I actually fucking tag that back. That was... We set up a feeder just outside our living room window, so the birds would come and we can. see them um feeder one of our bird feeder my favorite things to do is lay on the couch on the weekend and watch the different types of birds come to visit us for a little snack that's really beautiful i'm not a bird guy but that's that's stunning the other day we were shopping at sam's club

geez don't they have fucking everything what's sam's club imagine a place with everything called sam club that's what it is like Costco kind of like that energy like bulk buying or I think it's more just like, of course, Sam's Club's got one. Where is it? US. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, I've never heard of that before. Actually, let's look up Sandclubs real quick.

I've never heard of that before. It says like warehouse. It's, uh, oh, the parent company is Walmart. So yeah, US. Okay. We've just seen an LED face mask and bananas. Yeah, I mean, that's taken me by supply prize. Oh, a barbecue and a water toy.

A tampon and some ratsack. A monster energy drink. and an outdoor speaker that floats on water. An iPad and some bananas. You know how I said before? It's one of those places where you went, well, of course, Sam's Club's got it? Mini cucumbers are some beats by Dre.

A nugget ice maker and some fucking rugs. Oh, because I've just seen an ice maker and thought it was a document shredder. Guess what I saw this morning. It was a huge van and it was... You're joking me. I know. Fuck off. Yeah.

I saw it. On a Thursday. Yeah. On the roads. Fuck off. A big van. A huge van. Well, here's the thing.

It was as if it's like a Steve's mowing, Reese plumbing. Steve's mowing. Not to be confused by Jim's mowing. No, no. No, and you wouldn't make that connection. And it was called like so-and-so's document removals. Like a removalist,

but for documents. So imagine a document. Like for a law firm? With lots of... But he was just like driving up my street. And it was like, what's so important? Like, hey tone,

should we cut that up first? Should we cross out our address from that form before we put in the recycling? No. Get Sam to come and get it. We've got a fire at home. So we'd, like any paper ends up being scrunched up and chucking in the fire eventually.

Sure. We've just got a pile of, like you're done with that paper. Well, you use it to start. That's what I mean. Yeah. So we just, So we just pop it there and it'll eventually get in the fire.

Sure. But no, what could be so fucking important that you need to call a tradie to come to your house and professionally remove documents? That's crazy. So then they take back to their warehouse or something and then shred it? But they come to your house to like pick it up. That sounds like a scam. That sounds like they're reading all the documents and changing your will, etc.

Imagine if they're like that you get this phone call and you're like, I've got rid of those really important documents and they call you back in the go, Tony, the van broke down on the way back to the warehouse. Ryan's got it. We don't know where the documents are. It's been robbed. And you go,

if only I had a pair of scissors at home. Yeah. If only I had a fire. Or like, this is like such a... I just scrunched it up and put it in the bin. This is a real old person thing, I think. But one of my aunts soaks every piece of mail that she gets,

after she's done with it. Like, say it to bill and then she pays it. She soaks it in water and then puts it in the blender and then freezes it and puts it in the bin. Like, I know. It's really fucking like conspiracy theoriesy shit. Conspiracy theory. Tony Lodge. I know.

If I. No, it's so, it's crazy. Remember like two minutes ago when I was like, what kind of fucking freaks? Yeah. And I found one. Yeah. They're the lodges. Well, in fairness, they're not a lodge.

They're a Melor, but yes. So hang on my mum's side. So hot water. So the ink in theory rolls off. Yeah, well, not rolls off, but that it like smushes up. Yeah, so it's ineligible. Yep. And you, and I'd actually go, yeah, great.

You know what? That's probably a step enough. That would stop me needing to call a guy with a van. And then she goes, well, actually, Ryan. Yeah. And then my auntie, Frank, goes, I've got eight more steps for you. You wouldn't pass me that document. would you?

Yeah. Sit a Ninja bullet, nice. The Ninja doc. The doc ninja. God, what a crossover. And then why freeze? I don't know. She's just a freezer in an ice cream container.

I guess because then if the thieves found it in the bin, it would still have another step. I don't know. You know what? I actually found out about your auntie. Yeah. What was she hiding? I think she's just really crazy about her privacy.

You know how some people are? You know how the people don't trust the banks and shit like that? I've actually got some news for her. Because when I used to live in Perth, she in Perth? No. She in Jolong. We're going to beat this out, but it's the one that lives in... I actually, Calvin Moore just got inducted into the Hawthorn Hall of Fame last night.

Darcy Moore? No, that's Darcy Moore. Oh. I actually went to your... He's about to play his 200 games, so I thought maybe that was relevant. Remember when he gifted Hawtholne that draw last week? No, I don't. But sorry, I was talking a day the other day,

and so then I'm seeing Darcy around. Anyway. I went to your auntie's house, found this frozen tub of ice cream. Yeah. I took it back to my thawing facility. Yes. Your ice removal truck.

Melted it down. Yeah. So then it just came back into little bits of paper. Yeah. Then I put it into my reverse blender. D blender. Yeah. No, you just turn the blender over and went the other way around.

You know how with a ceiling fan you can make it spin the other way? Yeah, that's what I mean. Reverso. Comes back. Yeah. Then I unmushed it. Yeah. And I went,

I'm going to pay her up just bill. Got your bill. What's the worry? The worry is that someone's going to pay it for you? Yeah. Oh, whoops. Oh, no. Covered my insurance premium.

Oh. Now they know I'm insured with fucking HBR. What if they find out? got dental coverage. Not him. Oh no. But this is the thing, isn't it? That I just go.

What if they find out that I've got frequent flypoints that only I can use? That I'm not going to transfer to them because I'm not going to call them my stepbrother. Oh no. Anything you like to say, Tone? Well, it's quite specific there. Oh, just you know how it's like. Any brothers coming out of the woodwork for you? No, no.

No, no. You know when you're like, I know you're hoarding them. I know you hoarding them. I got to get rid of them. But you know how the drop down has like 50,000 family member options. second cousin twice removed. It's like they make it easy. Just say you can transfer them to anyone.

When Tony and I came back from Sydney the other week, I tried to bid for an upgrade with points and had to say that Tony was my auntie. Well, we were like discussing what we should put the relationship out. What is the most believable? And then because I'm such a nerd, I'm like, so what did you put down? Just so I know, so you my stepbrother,

I think we decided on stepbrother. Okay, that's hot. Ryan Felipe, cool intentions. Yeah. So true. Anyway, I was talking about Austin Stevens with the bird bars. You fucking me. Where did that come from?

Sam's Club Club. Oh, I'm Sam's Club. We're at Sam's Club the other day. We stumbled across. Sam's Warehouse. I'm so sorry. That's just someone called Sam who owns a warehouse. Like, that's not the same.

That's Barning's brother. Barning's brother. Brother. Brother. You met these twins? Sam and Bunnings We're at Sam's Club We stumbled across a bird

Oh my God You're saying that Sam is Bunnings' brother I thought you were like No that's Bunnings brother And I was like And that's why I was like Brother And I was like

Why are you calling me brother That's so strange I mean the joke wasn't good enough To give a fuck But thanks for catching up Got you Yeah okay

So Sam and Bunnings Our brothers Yeah. They could do points to each other. That's good. The warehouse bros. Not like bros. Like they are bros.

Yeah. Like Mario and Luigi. Mario bros. Yep. Just the other day while shopping at Sam's Club, no relation, we stumbled across a bird feeder that is equipped with a camera. Cool. So similar to the ring doorbell,

like once it senses things, it like records it. So you can go back and check out the birds of the day. That's really sweet. Also, Birds of the Day was the original name. of Facebook. Was it? Was it? Was it?

Oh, I fell asleep during the movie. It was the opening scene. Oh, it was absolutely the dullest film I've ever fucking seen. It's one of the great movies of all time. That movie... They're making a sequel.

Do you know what I would do with that movie? Put it in a blender. I'd soak it in the sink and then I'd put it in a blender, then I'd freeze it and then I'd put it in the bin. To protect. Anyone else from ever seeing it. It's so boring.

It was so great. No, it's not. You're just saying that to sound interesting. It sucks. That movie sucks. That sounds interesting. Sorry, I like my movies with dialogue. My apology knows.

Dialogue. Like, that's strong. I was written by Aaron Sorkin. It won best writing at the Oscars. Terrible film. They're making a sequel. Guess who's playing the guy this time? The same guy?

Jeremy Strong. Who's that? He's the guy. succession. Which guy I've only seen a couple episodes. The main,

like the son who's the weird twitchy one. Oh, the one who like does all the cocaine at the Bachelor party?

Yeah. Yes. Yep, yeah, so they're at Sam's Club. They're into bird watching.

I'm sorry. I'm really, I'm struggling. Yep. They found a bird feeder with a camera on it and it was $100

off. Oh my God. Cost you money not to. Yep. So of course we bought it and rushed home to set it up. Fast forward a few days. Check out these two duffs.

I thought I was getting a cute video of the birds. This is at her house. Turns out this one's a bit. Okay. So can you just run us through what happens? For those playing along at home, please. Me between us and Charles just showed us the bird video. It got to a very unflattering screenshot of me.

Holding up the come to our party. Can you say what people missed in the video though? Sea word. Of Austin Stevens. Oh. Because not everyone saw that. Oh. The bird video was two birds.

And it said, I thought that I was going to see the birds hanging out. Turns out this one's a bitch. And one of the birds flicked the other bird off the feeder. And I was kept it away. And I was captured on a Sam's club. camera for a hundred dollars off cost of money not to i'd say you wouldn't read about it but you've just heard about it so what do you love to see nothing i could say right now it's going to come close to anything that we've done um but i actually had a movie

recommendation for the movie. Is it that movie? As a family, as a team, as a set of best friends, that now I'm going to recommend people watch a movie this weekend. It's not even that. That guy on the right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And when they go to Palm Springs,

he's like smoking meth with those guys. Easy. I haven't seen that bit. In succession. Spoilers. It's like the third episode. I haven't say much of it. I thought you'd watch the whole thing. You talk about succession in a way that makes it sound like...

I'm just aware of it culturally. That's gross. I watched the first season. That's in the first season. Then I watch TikTok and then I watched the last episode of season four. That is diabolical. And I feel like I'm up to date. And that's fine, but that's crazy.

You talk about succession a lot too. Like you mention... Same seven times I've mentioned it today. Oh, fuck off. You mentioned it semi regularly, though. You do. You do. What's your recommendation?

I hope it's good. Well, it's actually the movie I mentioned to you the other day that we watched with the new Glenn Powell movie. It's called How to Make a Killing. Yeah. Oh my God. It's so good. And I haven't stopped thinking about it since we watched it over the weekend.

And I was like, people want to watch it this weekend. How to Make a Killing. How to Make a Killing. And it's, yeah, Glenn Powell's in it. And basically, He's born and then finds out he's got like really, really rich family. But like eight people are in line to the fortune before him. And he's like, well, I guess I got to get gone.

And take care of business. It's a really great film. Now, don't spoil. And that's in the trailer. That's not a spoiler. Don't. I think I've seen the trailer. And yeah, yeah.

But it's really quirky. Like you would really like the movie because you know when it's like cut kind of interesting. and it cuts back and forth and music's really good. It's great. Having watched that now, Tony Lodge, if you had to like off someone for it to look like an accident

or look like you didn't do it or like, you know, to get them out of the way, what would your method be? I've never thought about it. I don't think that I'm ever in a situation where I could kill someone to make it look like an accident.

Well, isn't that the whole thing? whole game though? Well, that's the film. Yeah, so now that you've watched it, what have you learned? I actually didn't, do you want to know the game that we played while we were watching it? Um, was actually like, what would you do with a billion dollars? Oh, it was that's what Tombs and I were talking about. Could we pause it? And we were like, what would, if that were asked, like, what would we do? You didn't discuss about how to get rid of someone? No, actually, that did not come up. So he's keeping his ideas close to his chest? Yeah, he doesn't want me to know. He goes, oh, I want you to keep drinking a cup of tea at night. And when, um,

When we get married, like, if you died, I would get that out of year. You can have it. He doesn't need to kill me. What, what do you do with a billion dollars? Well, so I, and then it kind of went on this tangent because I was like, well, how much is a billion dollars? And he showed me, have you guys seen that thing where it's like a million seconds, like, I don't think that people know how much a billion dollars is. Because a million seconds is like seven days. but a billion seconds is like 40 years or fucking something.

I genuinely had no idea how different the numbers were. Yeah. What did you think it was? Like if you had to guess. Yeah. So I thought, I think maybe I was like, oh, because it goes like a thousand, 10,000, 100,000, a million. Yeah.

I was like, does it go a million, 10 million, like 100,000, sorry, 10 million, 100 million is a billion? Yeah, right. Yeah. Like I just had never thought, I mean, I can't even. and imagine what that. Well, if you need some context, open your phone app

and pull up Combank, sweetheart. Oh, that's what a billion is. That's very funny. I've only got seven of those. Oh, that's weird. So what would he do? Well, I was like, oh, I'd pay off our mortgage. A billion is so much money.

It's like crazy. Because I just was like, oh, well, maybe I'd do this, this and this and this and this, okay, well, that's maybe 10 million. Yeah. And you've got. What do you do with the other? the 990 million. So I just

Yeah, isn't that? So mortgage is paid off. Astounding. So you've still got 9999 point something to go. Isn't that insane? And I was like, well then I'd probably do the same for like, you know,

my friends and family, like people around me. I would, oh, I said that I would build a wing on a hospital and name it off to my mom. Like I would donate a heap to a hospital. Yep. And then I was like,

okay, well then I guess. I'd buy us a house in Vancouver to Olivia. Thank you. Appreciate that. You know, places we travel where there's lots of tapus, we'd buy a house there so we could travel there. You know what I'd do for you if had a billion dollars? What?

I would build you your own urban surf surfing thing that's yours like in the backyard. That is sick. I feel like you're not getting crazy enough with the billion dollars. Yeah, see, but that's, I just had no idea how much money it was. I would buy Charles a fake ID. So he can drink. So he can go out. Yeah.

Um, an urban search, like an own, like a surf machine. Like what Kelly Slater has. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. In the backyard at your own house. See, okay. So mine was like, oh, buy a house with a pool.

I'm not thinking big enough. You're not thinking big enough. Charles? I think I would buy a private jet. I don't think that you want to own a private jet. Think of them. Admin. Yeah.

That's the thing you're assistant to do. You've got a billion dollars. Yeah, actually. Someone who I'm paying a million dollars to look after it for the year. Yeah. Do you know Jay Leno? Yeah, because that's not that much money. In the grand scheme of...

Jay Leno had a full-time mechanic to like look after his cars because he was, he like had some old cool cars and stuff. I remember you telling me that. And he just like, yep, that was his nine to five came. He goes, oh, I haven't, you know, take, warmed up that engine and tweak the fuck. Turn it over. Yeah. So, yeah, that's his job.

Because sounded good. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, like I, because I would love. I would love a Porsche. Like I just, I would love a Porsche. You can have 10,000 Porsches. I know, but like,

so I've never. For someone who spends a lot of money on dump shit, you're not great of spending money on dumb shit. I just could never even consider. So I would, not only would I love it, I've never even, I've never driven a Porsche.

I've never sat in one. I would, I would just love to fucking go into the dealer and sit in all of them. I would go on car sales and I would go and sit in like a little vintage car sales, no. Oh, no. You. Oh, vintage is different.

Vintage, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll check out the secondhand fucking rate on... Yeah, I'll go get a secondhand Toyota Corolla and I go, it's live buying you. I can pick it up from Queensland. They hold their value so well. Would you go like tiny, sexy sports car, like proper Porsche or would you go like... Yeah, I would buy... Yeah, I would buy 9-11.

Yeah. If I could. Which... You could if you had a billion dollars. If I had a billion dollars, I definitely would... Okay, and then how would you offer to people to get it? It does a tarpa in Melbourne have a four. fucking Carrera that I can drive or you can take me for a drive in.

If that's in play, I would love. I've never sat in a fucking Porsche. I'd love to. If that's in play, I would love that. The chance of you driving Tony around into Porsche and not getting sucked off. Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Now, who do we need a kill to get for this money? And how are we going to hire it? Yeah. So, true. Yeah. So this thing we don't actually have the generational wealth to kill for to get it. No one's got any money. Oh, Charles is probably the closest.

I just don't think he thinks big enough. Charles, you know what Charles called your granddad? Grandfather. That cunt's got cash. That's sound like he's got a clock tower in his house. He does not. As someone who has access to their banking, they don't have that much.

You've already killed the seven people you need? Oh, just like, tech. Calling them grandfather, though, makes them sound like there, rich. What about a helicopter? A lot less traffic in the sky I've found. That's true. I mean, if you're living far, then it's out.

No, well, I would drive my Porsche. Oh, I've got to the, my second hand Porsche that I bought from cars. To the helipad. But I just, I really like driving. I would pay my red Joe. I really. So a bit of context there.

Right through driving around in an unregistered car for quite some time. Because he does not to check his email. Turns out you need to pay it every year. Every year. Mine just was up. Oh, Ryan's was a few months ago. Knowing your Red Joe's up. Waterflex.

Got the email. If you had a billion dollars, you read, it's just rolling. Car insurance. Yeah, I'd definitely buy a Porsche. London. I'm just so excited to buy a Porsche when I get a billion dollars. London. See you next Tuesday.

Dublin. See you tomorrow night. Tomorrow night. Hang on, if Dublin is Friday night, tomorrow night. They're two days apart. How are we handing out flies on Saturday in another country? The Porsche. No, we literally, Friday night, Dublin,

and then the next morning, wake up, fly to London and start handing them out. Oh, really? Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, that's an early one. Yeah. Yeah. Great.

Yeah. Late night, early start, straight in hot with the flies. And you know what? That's how I thrive. Little sleep. Little sleep. Let's start flying on the plane. Captive audience.

Yep We go Go find London for Yeah You want something to do on Tuesday night Yeah All right Love you so much

Boy See you in tomorrow Nope See you in tomorrow Fuck me Love you bye Put this lot down Put this lot down