Toni and Ryan - Is TONI A Better Kisser Than YOU?

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

Bad kissing - Representing Australia overseas - Ryan and the coffee machine - love ya!!!!!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I think I'm a good kisser. I think I am. I think I'm soft and tender and delicate, but still erotic. Hi, I'm I'm in from Essex in the United Kingdom. Hi, I'm Joachin from Luxor Sweden. I'm Georgian from Adelaide, South Australia, and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is Dr. Author, Tony Lodge.

I was about to say Tony without using your correct title. To doctor. To doctor. To ducan. But to doctor. To doctor. To doctor. To doctor.

My name. I wish. We are live from Stockholm, Sweden this week. But wherever you're watching or listening around the world, this is a safe place where we can be friends. We can be our silly selves. And if your boss makes you be professional at work or your small town doesn't like how beautiful and gay you are, who gives a fuck. Because right here, you can be anyone you want. That's nice?

It is. I'm just trying to juice us all up because I've got something awkward to talk about. What? Do we all agree in principle that instead of leaving like awkward things linger, that while it might be awkward at the time, it's usually for the best? I think so. Yeah. It's like short-term pain for long-term game.

Yeah. And do we all, Charles, agree with that? Lily. Oh, no. Safe space. Yeah, yeah. But I just do we. Yo.

Okay, Lil. Yeah, Lil says, yeah. Okay. Tone? Yeah. Okay. And I think it's how you approach. it like like what do you want to get out of it because you know how some people like yep

just bring it up but it's for them to have an excuse to be a jerk like I've worked with people before that are like oh I just think we should bring it up and I'm like yeah but you're not saying it with kindness you're like you know you're saying this so that you win you know when you meet people like that and you're like well that's not for anyone's benefit but your own I just think something has been discussed within the team and it felt like it caused some distress and we just need to like talk about it a little bit. Do you know what I'm talking about? No, I have no idea. Is it that I've been coughing? No. Okay. I've got a cough. Tony Lodge said, I don't think I'm a great kisser and everyone just sort of agreed. And it was sort of a bit funny and

then. Well, no. So I said, do you reckon you're a good kisser? And Ryan goes, oh yeah. And everyone goes, oh yeah, like whatever. And then I said, I don't reckon I'm great. And everyone went, yeah. So I didn't. I was off doing stuff. I could hear the conversation, but I did not respond. A good friend and lover would stick up for their friend, Charles.

I'm lover. Someone with the most experience in the team. I just like, but then when we went to talk about it, it was like, have you ever kiss anyone that's been bad? And we were, we all said yes. And then I was like, I think it's a compatibility thing that what you do like, someone else maybe doesn't. You reckon? Yeah.

Because I, so are you saying like if a bad kisser is making out with a bad kisser, then maybe their bad works. Works together. Don't you reckon? But there's been, like, because you know, in high school, over the journey, everyone's made out with each other. Totally. I think like there can often be, it's not just like a mismatch of styles.

There's just like, oh, we've all made out with that. person and like that's their style. No, but like I think we can all agree that they're not great. Who was that in your group? Because I know that you're thinking of someone.

You can beep it out if you want, but I need to know. No, hard to say. But I think it's not just a mismatch. I think you can be bad at it. I think you can be bad. And I don't think I'm a bad kisser.

I just don't think I'm a great kisser. But I won the. if this undoes the theory because I do like, you know when, if you're not very good at something, it's like not that enjoyable. I enjoy kissing torps. Well, maybe. Like, so are we just compatible though? Or is he just polite.

Yeah. Oh, I don't know. But when we started talking about bad kisses, immediately like a kiss popped into my head and I was like, well, that was the worst thing in my life. it about Okay. Sorry, I've got to have a sip of my tea. I'm going to say two words.

And I want you listening to this podcast or you're watching to think about the worst kiss you ever had. And I want you to think about the few words that would describe why it was a bad kiss. And I've got two words I'm going to use. And I think when I say it, we're all going to like know what I mean and we're all going to not like hearing these two words to. I've got one and it's upsetting also so is it how many words is it well one came to mind just then when you were like oh think of you know I'm like oh and that word is stiff

my two words are stiff tongue yes and that's what it was it was like this oh but like now like deeper but like hard firm tongue stiff tongue all right hang on do put my face on the camera And it's like, hey baby, let's go in for a smooth. Yeah, no, it wasn't good. It wasn't good. And that makes me think that maybe I am a good kisser because how could a bad kisser identify a bad kisser? Only a good kisser could identify a bad kisser.

If two stiff tongers would stiff tongue in each other, would they like it? No, because it would be like a sword fight. Yeah, they're going to be like fencing in the only big. Yeah. They got that, the electric suit. Yeah. I'll tell you another word.

Yeah. I can't believe we both said stiff. That's amazing. Dry. You don't want to be too wet, but you don't want to be dry. And you know the other one, and this is a visual one. Do you want to say it and look right into it? No, it's this.

Oh. Like the roly-poly washing machine kind of. For those watching who also know basketball, Tony's just done a travel. Yeah. But you know when it's like that and you're like, whoa, it's all good. But they're just going, whoosh, oh yeah. Isn't that like called the washing machine? That's what I just said.

Great idea, tone. Yeah. The washing machine. Have you ever listened to me? A few times, yes. Oh, how was it? I had a great time. I think, though, with all of these things in mind, that means that I must be okay.

Because I'm not, I'm not in those pitfalls. But you are a self-doubter. So you saying I don't think I'm good. Should I ask? Chorbs. I'm just going to text. What time is it in a show? I don't know.

I don't know if he's up. He'll be up. He'll actually, yeah, give him a buzz. Do you, I'm just going to text him. Do you think I'm a good kisser? Um, be honest. Okay, we'll see. We'll see if he replies.

It's delivered, but not red. So I don't know. But because I think that. How can you concentrate on anything other than what he's going to say? Whether he's going to reply. I know. If this episode goes for four hours, I don't care. I'm staring at that screen.

We need to know what's going to happen. In the meantime, though, I just, I think, do you think you're good, Charles? Because you said yesterday, he does. He does. I would like to think so. But also Ryan said he recognizes his. Why are you saying like that? No, I'm just laughing about the text.

I find it really hard to imagine any of a, us kissing, to be honest. Like, I'm not very good at imagining what that would be like. I'm very good at it. I'm very good at imagining. No, I just don't think. One thing we did all agree on and by way I will exclude Charles on this, but the three of us in like long term relationships is that who's making out because how disgusting. Yeah. Well, no, it's not disgusting. You make out for three seconds and then you assume, oh, we're about to have sex. We're going to have sex. So making out for the sake of it. But do you remember making out for like hours or like making out with someone at a party and like getting hot and heavy in a club or whatever? And it wasn't necessarily just to have sex with

them. It was because like how fun's kissing. It's so fun. Kissing is really fun and you just don't do it as much as you get older. Should we start? I think I do like it. I'm going to say something. And it always do. Sorry he hasn't even read it you guys. Can you put you for it. It's so. Sorry. it's not going to be good news is it he's like looking at his phone like this like trying to figure out how to reply he's like how do I say no without hurting her feelings he's just googled how to tell my wife

she's not a great kisser but hopefully she'll still be my wife yeah because I like her but she's not a very good kisser what do you reckon he's called a fortune teller or something he's like I'm pulling out all the stuff what was I going to fucking say you said I'm going to say something I'm going to say something

that could tear down both our marriages we are soon to be married Yeah. Okay, I've just decided that your wife and husband. No, it's fine. On our last ever, ever episode of Tony and Ryan. Yeah. 20 years, 30 years.

Hopefully it's a long time away. Charles will be 18. Yeah. We ought to go out for a drink with Charles after. Wouldn't that be fun? Yeah. It's like how LeBron plays basketball with his son, you know? It's real cute.

That's really funny. Passing of the baton. I think we owe it to ourselves. each other and the type community to finish our final ever episode by making out. Well, do you remember when we did do some research into getting onto the kiss cam? And you asked Bridget if you could kiss me and she went, I don't give a fuck. And Torbs said no.

So, I mean, unless their opinions, and I mean, maybe Torbs didn't want you to know how bad a kisser I am. He was trying to protect me. Maybe he does. He's like, she's really bad. don't do it, bro. No, that's what I, but he didn't want you to find out. Oh.

Yeah. Again, I, I, he's texted me back. Oh. So I said, do you think I'm a good kisser? Be honest, love you. And he said, yes, of course. Love you way more. That's quite sweet.

Could be a lie, but. No, we're going to take that at face value. Yeah, we do. That does make me feel, because you guys are so in love. And I didn't lie, you can read it. I didn't, yeah. Nah, but I just, for everybody. Because I, oh, he said, yep, really good.

Always get a stiffy. Let's go. Yeah, my wife's message me. Oh, I'm glad that you're away because your dick's too big. Yeah. Oh, I wish your cock was smaller. Yeah. Oh, what?

No, I'm not fucking other dudes. That was a big laugh. Just like, I was like, Dad, when you were away, other dad came. Yeah, I bet he did. Other dads came. The Milkeman was here for ages. now that I think I'm a good kisser

I think I am I think I'm soft and tender and delicate but still erotic Okay No I think I'm a really good kisser Okay I'm gonna give you I think that my lips are the perfect wetness I think that they're always like

Just I think it's it's slow There's movement There's enthusiasm but not too much I've done a 360 but that's how That's what I believe. 180. Okay, let me give you a timeline of where my brain's been at with us making out with each other. Oh, sorry, we're back on this.

Yep. Well, now you'll want to because I'm really good. It started with let's fucking do it. Oh. Then I heard the message from Torbs and your response and I thought, these guys are so in love. We are. And they love each other so much. It makes me sick.

So much feedback from that video when you both guess the likes and dislikes. Oh, no. It's so cute. I watched that because we've been away. I've watched that a couple of times for a little pick me up. Yeah. And then I thought, who am I for a cheap lull on a podcast to fucking throw my tongue in that and get in the way of what's going on over there?

You're not, oh, sorry, shut up. So then I was back off the idea. Oh, yeah. But then Tony just described how good at kissing she was. and I thought that does sound nice. And then I was back on. You're back on. And then she said that her lips are the perfect moisture.

And I was like, they would be. That does sound nice. But then I got self-conscious that I often have dry lips and got to use the balm all the time. I'm on the balm at the moment because of the cold weather. I will say right now they're not at optimum. Yeah. I've got to get them ready before I go on holiday

with my hot fucking future husband. I got to get barman. I got to start. Get barman because you're seeing Bridgett soon. Yeah, but also in 30 years we might pass, and I can't bring a dry game. Oh, God. Lily thinks she's getting some action. She's balming live.

She's barming on air. She's doing a live balm. A live balm. You can't be doing a live balm. Live balming. Okay. There's no camera on Lily's there. And she knows that.

And yeah, but she thought, well, I might get some action later. I better get some balm on these fucking pickers. Speaking of dry lips, who am I going to put these damp barmed lips on this afternoon? Who am I going to touch with my mum? moist flaties. So that sounded rude, Lil. I didn't mean that, you know. Moist flatdies.

Moist puckers. Sorry. Okay, I think that what we need to do for science is make out. Ask the tarpers that are watching and listening to maybe do a, like an out of five of like what they reckon you and I might be. Can we handle that? Five being like one of the great kisses of your life. Yeah. Like, do you reckon Ryan is a five out of five?

Do you reckon Tony is a five out of five? Okay. And one being like a dry stiff tongue. Dry stiff tongue. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Two being... Or like bad breath. Yeah.

No, don't bring that into it. I think two is either dry or stiff tongue. Yeah, yep. But just vibes are off. Do you know what I mean? Okay. Four's good and five is the best you've ever had. Yeah.

And I... And we're... just see how we go. But it's just vibes only, obviously. Like, that'll eliminate a lot of people for Ryan because he has kissed a lot of people. So we'll have to... You have. How many people do you reckon you've made out within your whole life?

Oh, um, fuck, it's been so long. I haven't, I haven't thought about kissing someone else for a really long time, except for right now. Um, how many people do I reckon I've kissed? Like 300? Like 50? Get it, girl. Like I probably.

Pashed 50 people, but then like... That's a good sample size. Like, I think that's okay. Yep. But then like, so if I've pashed 50 people probably hooked up with 25, probably fucked like, you know, you know, is that the ratio? For me, for me it does. For those in marketing, that's the funnel.

Everyone meets me at the top with a cash. I can convert 50% of Pash as into a hookup. And once I get that hook up, I can convert... A few percent. 12% of those become a boyfriend. Yeah. And it narrows down. I reckon that maths is probably mathen.

I reckon that's probably about right. And Torbs is a champion toner. He's got a right. He's champion boner. Yeah. Give me that champion bono. But the top of your funnel though, quite wide, isn't it? Don't you talk to you about my funnel?

No, no. Like I'm saying, like you've lived a big life. in a hot way I'm saying this in a hot way you've got a lot of experience I don't I only lived in Perth there's not that many people there

yeah you're sure all of those 50 were different people not because like anything else it's Perth yeah it's just not a huge net you make out with someone in a club and go what school do you go to yeah literally yeah

oh do you know such and such and such I go oh fucking hell my mum's a teacher there or whatever yeah all right um let us know

the comments yesterday weren't interesting after avocado gate. I feel like today he's going to be wild. Let us know in the YouTube comments or the episode thread in our Facebook group. Just out of five and we'll know what you mean, obviously. Oh, what's that coming about?

Hi, I'm from Essex in the United Kingdom. Hi, I'm you're from Luxor Sweden. Hi, I'm Jordina from Adelaide, Australia. And you're listening to Tony. Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion typos over at our Patreon. Aiden, good on you, Aiden. Thanks for being here.

Lina, good on you, Laina. Oh, sorry, it might be Lina. Highly know her, either way. Jessica, good on you, Alicia. I hardly know any of them. Katie Richardson, good on you, Katie. Victoria Wilton. Oh, she's Wilton in the sun.

Juliet, Romeo, probably as well. Jasper, good on you, Jasper. Lauren Pinkster. Ryan fingered her on the plane. Top of the funnel. Claudia Stiles. I finger at her pink scar. Julius, sister.

Claudia Stiles. And Ryan Neal. Well, he will be later. Sorry. Tony's all gassed up because she's got, I'm a good kisser energy about it. I do. And I think that you've just got to own it.

And you said yesterday you think you're a good kisser and I believe you. I don't know if I believe me now. The tables have really turned. Is it because I came in with so much confidence after thinking about it. I'm like, no, you know what? I'm owning this. Yeah. You should think you're good at it.

I mean, again, I think you would know if you were bad because you and Bridgett wouldn't enjoy kissing each other. I think the main thing about bad kisses is I reckon they're the ones that think they're awesome because it's the confidence of a stiff tongue. And we don't, yeah. I guess that's the title of today's episode. The confidence of a stiff tongue. I would click on that.

I would click on that. You know? You go, not all I'm eating. Well, I used a few adjectives, adjectives about what I thought was good. about me. What do you think is good about you? Are you attentive? Like, what's the, what about the way that you smooch makes you think that it's good?

You look like you're having existential crisis. So. I think I know. What is it? I actually can't say it. I need you to say. I said mine. You did.

And you were brave. I said the word tender and the word moist. I did. And then like, And people liked it so much, they started balming up. We saw Lily. She,

she heard how tender I am and she went, I got to get a taste with this bad boy. She barmed up. I'm balmer now. I'll barm. I'll life balm. I got, I know qualms about a life balm.

And I always had that. Yeah, balming up. Because Ryan's about to tell me how good a kissery is. I tell you the, the, the, it's actually not a feat it's like a side feature like it's a secondary feature yeah but I think it adds to the whole experience

okay it's the do I'm gonna do it to you I can't really explain it with words no I think I'd rather you explain it is my space there's your see on the couch here there's two very distinct separate cushions you stay on your you keep those pucker's over there mate I don't need your side quest don't rear. It's the, so it's the hand around the back kind of like holding, holding,

like, because it's like, because I mean it. Do it. Do you do a hand, Charles? Sometimes. Oh. I think the hand isn't always necessary,

but it is not. Charles, as a professor of kissing. Not necessary, but it's like, it shows like the passion. And I think that's where the tenderness comes in. Because some people would just be like, oh, a hand on the head,

but it's got to be the right pressure. Got to have the right energy about it. Not too overpowering. No, because if it's like, well, no, I don't want you fucking schnozz in my eye. If it's a, I love you, it's a tender. But if it's like the first time we ever passed after a buildup on the dance floor over hours and it's just like passion and then finally you're in there. And it's like, oh my God, it's happening.

Oh my God, it's happening. I'm coming on the podcast. Luckily, I've got no qualms about life bombs. Could Bath me some balm? No. Not sharing a balm. You borrow Lily's balm. You kiss it right off her face.

Take that back. Redact that. Sorry, Lil. Yeah, no. She's not happy about that. You were a little bit too disgusted. Lily doesn't think you're a good kisser. I can tell.

She doesn't like the hand on the back of the head. Sorry, Lil. Redact that. No, we're redacting that. All right. Speaking of us being really good. people while we're away, so we've been away for two weeks now almost, and we take our positions of Patriots of Australia very, very seriously. We know that while we're overseas,

we are representing Australia, much like the Olympic team. We kind of get around and we go, you know what, we're proud to be here and we're going to prove that we are really good people. And the funny thing about when you're traveling is that the further away from home you get, the numbers of Aussies really dwindle. So say you go to Bali, there's a lot of Aussies around. You know that the reputation of Australians is already fucked. So you kind of are, all right, whatever I do is probably not going to be as bad as like those on a scooter.

So true. But you still put your best foot forward. Then the flight from Bali to somewhere else, you go, oh, a few less around. So by the 18th flight for us to get to Latvia and then on to Sweden, there's really not a lot of Australians around. So it means that the pressure is really on. and we've got to do a really good job. For example, if Charles would have made out with someone in Sweden,

yep, hand on the back of the head. But that might be the only Australian. That they ever meet. Or ever kiss. So say if it's a bad kiss and it's not, there's a video on you, mate. They can actually see that. For those listening, Tony has raised her pointer and middle finger together.

To finger fingers. To finger or not to finger. Because here's what I think. That is the question. A Swedish girl. doesn't just make out with Charles. She makes out with all of Australia. She makes out with an Australian guy.

And then later, they go, oh, what do you think of Australians? Oh, I made out with one once. And it's like you're representing the country. That is actually very true. Because you are their sample size. Yeah. You meet a rude guy from some country. You've never been to.

And every time you think of that country, you go, they're all rude. You go, oh, I met this guy once and he was such a douchebag. And you assume the whole country is like that. That is a really, I hadn't thought about the kissing thing. because that would be a lot of people go oh I fucked this Aussie dude once or oh I kissed this Irish guy in a pub and it was awesome

So at the And not that we wouldn't do this anyway But when we were at the conference last week We kind of do a bit of a tidy up and stuff Because A, it's what you should do anyway But B there's also like this Oh we don't want to them to think that Australians are messy and Australian

You know we're we've got Oh no like She says Australians are nice They cleaned up after the show and, you know, they were really nice. I want to leave a good impression because they go, well, God, Australians are just the most wonderful guests, aren't they? Yeah.

You pave the way for the future. And would you say, that is beautiful. That is beautiful. Yeah. And would you say that I, of all the things I don't take seriously, would you say that this is something I do take seriously? No 1,000% like the Australian Olympic team. Yeah.

We know our sport and that is being good. Yeah. I want to talk about culture real quick. Yeah. I feel like a measure of a country's culture is in the beauty in its mugs. Because we are currently in Scandinavia, in Sweden. Isn't every time we've had a coffee or a cup of tea, the cup's just so beautiful? Yeah, it has.

We're in the office the other day and they were like this handmade little thingy. I'm having tea here from like a really cute little glass number. Isn't that just a little bit fun? Yeah. Oh, look at mine. Hang on. I've got this lovely blue one. This is in the Airbnb as well.

That's massive. It's from Monomime. Oh, Monomia. But then what would you say this is? This little... Like an espresso cup. Little espresso cup. Really cute.

And this is just in the Airbnb. There's five different kinds of mugs. Because if you don't want an espresso, you want a bit of like a... A latte. There's like a slightly bigger and they're all a bit fun and a bit... I like the way that that one fits into the saucer.

And the fact they have sauces and stuff. Do you know, that I think a point of cultural difference is that we don't really fuck with a saucer in Australia we don't we don't really fuck with a sorcerer in Australia why are we fucking with saucer why aren't we fucking with a saucer the sorcerer a stone I mean so true isn't that one of the movies yeah yeah Harry Potter is that Potter is that Potter sorcerer is that the same no but has anyone else made that connection I just unlocked that I should write those.

Why aren't we fucking with a saucer? Too much dishes. Sometimes at the coffee club you get a saucer, isn't it? No, there's a little biskie on there, little bicky. Yeah, where you can put your little bicky? Yeah. If you came around to my house and I made your coffee and I put it on a saucer, you'd be like, what the fuck? I would be offended by that.

I'd be like, I live here. Why have you put that on a saucer? But then this feels a bit cute, doesn't it? It does. With a saucer question. This is going to be tough to explain. So I'm going to try and hold my microphone at the same time. When you are fucking with a saucer, do you A?

She's lifted it up and drank out of it? Or do you, B? She's lifted up the whole saucer to her chin then sipped. So you connect to the saucer and then the saucer and the cup connect back to the table. I think this is why I don't fuck with a saucer because that's too many decisions. And then when you're done, you go, done, take it away. I don't think so. but that doesn't...

Oh. Oh, my God. I love that color. So, anyway. We're at the conference the other day. Yep. And... Beautiful part of the world.

Beautiful part of the world. The conference. The conference. Don't you think that the temperature was all wrong in there? Yeah, but your temperature has been off this whole trip. It has. No, it has. No, that's fair.

What was wrong about... Maybe I'm going through the change, the menopause. Because I've got the sweats. I've got the sweats. Yeah. She's sweating. She's coughing, she's sweating. Yeah, like, how can I be both?

Like, actually, don't get you a girl that can do both. I shouldn't be sweating and coughing at the same time. That should be an illegal confirmation. I think the sweat is your body heating trying to fight against... Kill the infection. Yeah. Anyway. You're right.

My temperature has been off of late. I think I might be going through the menopause. What's the age as normal for that? 45. How old are you? 30. something one, 31, 31, 32. If I find out Lily's just Googled your age to give them.

No, we're the exact same age. That's right. Yeah. Okay. Someone has to take, take. Someone Googled my age, please. Oh, and I reckon if you Google that though, it would be wrong. Can we Google Tony Lodge age?

It says, oh. It's an article from the age. That's very funny. The first thing that pops up is that you were 29 in June of 2023. That's not very well. But then when I click onto your famous birthdays, it says 32 years old. Famous birthdays. What's her ranking?

51,877. I'll take it. There's long people in the world. Yours is wrong, I think. Because someone gave us, no, because someone gave us birth numerology, remember? And the thing was wrong. What's my ranking?

Your ranking is 43,837. Congratulations. That's amazing. The top 50,000 people in the world on famous birthdays. How am I above Tony? No, you're 43 and I was 51. You're amazing. Yeah, how am I about what's wrong with famous birthdays?

I've got to fucking sort that out. Maybe it's because yours is coming up. People are getting ready. Well, people have to boost it. Like, people go on there and, like, boost it and that's how you get popular. Oh, what? I thought it was just like the most clicks. Um, question.

Let's all guess who's number one. Oh. I reckon number one on famous birthdays.com is, fuck. My mind has gone to Christiana and Alice. because we were talking about him the other day, how he's got heaps of followers on the gram. I think it might be Ariana Grande.

I reckon it's the girl whose eyes look like she's a Disney character and is a TikToker in Florida. Brooke someone. What? I don't know who you're speaking about, but it's not. It's Salish matter who's like a really big

Jordan matter. The daughter? The Webby's, yeah. So she's like the biggest person right now. That's not who I meant, but it's actually who I'm... Right. Energy. Who's number two?

Cernami, another big, like, YouTube TikToker. Oh, so it's like online people? Yeah, number three? Yeah. Cristiano Ronaldo. Oh, good, good, good, good. Who's the person I'm talking about? I don't know.

Brooke from Florida, shout out. What's that girl's name? Brooke Monk. Yeah, what's she? She's number 14th. Oh, yeah, okay. It's Courtney Cook on there? I'll follow her on the internet.

I can't see her. But number eight is Taylor Swift. Yeah. Okay, well, everybody knows that it's the 13th of December, 1989. I don't even know why you need to Google up. So Jordan Matter's daughter is higher than Taylor Swift. She's 13 or something? She's 16.

16, sure. She's going through high school and they're talking about what she's going to do when she finishes high school because I only film on Sunday so she can still have a regular life and go to school. And they're just signed to deal with Netflix. They just signed to deal with Netflix. Great. Charles and I both listen to that episode of the Colin and Smeer podcast. Oh, wonderful.

Okay, anyway, so we're at the conference, wrong temperature. We're at the conference and I'm chatting to this guy and he goes, where are you from? I go, we'll come from Australia and they go, oh, fuck, that's a long way away. Where was he from? He was from Finland. Oh, wonderful. And he was doing his PhD in online communities. So came to find out about the tarpers.

Oh, wonderful. Yeah. That's you guys. And so I'm representing not just the tarpers, all of us. We are proud tarpers. Yeah, not just ourselves, the two of us, but the Taip community and Australia. Fuck, that's a lot of hats to fill. So many hats.

Yeah. So I go to the coffee machine and I go, oh, I don't want a huge coffee, but isn't this one cute? So I get like the little espresso thing. And he's still with you? He's still with me and he's chatting and he goes, great. Great. And I, great. Great.

Oh, you speak finished. Oh, that's great. That's great. And so I go to push the button to like hold down for the coffee to come out. You don't have to hold it down, do you? Oh, it's normally a one presser. It is a one presser. It comes the one presser.

It comes the one presser. Turn it up. A lyrical dancer. Turn it up. So it is a one presser, but I assumed it's a hold down. Nah, it never is. And so. It never on a coffee machine.

Oh, you're fucking kidding, mate. So I've pressed cappuccino. which What did you just say? Pressed it. Not what I heard. Held it down. Well, I pressed and didn't unpress.

Yeah. And the thing is, is with all the different sizes of mugs available, there was a huge fucking cappuccino one. And I got this. A stinty tiny one. A little like, you know, whatever. And it's gone, great.

This one ordered half a liter of milk. Start fucking. sending it. Froth it, bitch. Yeah. And so... You needed a biggie like this.

Yeah. And so here I am on behalf of Australia. And I take my finger off. But it's too late. It's, well, it's kind of went, well,

I'm making a cappuccino. You go, fuck yourself. And so it got to the top and then just kept filling. And then the finish guy goes, I think you have the wrong cup. And I,

I went, do you fucking think? But I was like, what made you think that, man? No, but I was like, I'm representing Australia. And I've gone, you have your MBA. Oh, well, sorry they didn't teach. They probably should teach conference coffee etiquette

in an MBA program because it is what you'll spend a lot of your time doing. The same way that they should teach tradies how to not shit on the floor, remember? So true. We just found that. course career code the other day. So then I get another for some... Is it still coming out? Yeah, it's still coming out.

And time slowed down. Yeah, it's pouring through the thing. And then I hadn't really... And is it frothen? It's doing an active froth? It's foam. It's a cappuccino. Yeah.

It's foamy. And then because I didn't, obviously, if I had have seen this like bigger cappuccino mug, it kind of didn't clock that that was what it was. So I just grabbed another espresso one and kind of switched it out, put the new one in. And would you know, would you fucking know that one cappuccino equals more than two espresso things? So the next one overflowing.

Like comically has also filled up. And it just keeps flowing. I'm like, do I have to press it to stop it? And so I'm like, oh. So you press it again. Because I was like, what's going? It just hasn't stopped. Like, obviously I need to like.

The machine is like, this, love coffee. Well, because say when the stove thing, the induction, oh yeah. You would like press it on and then you would press it off. Yeah, but you held it on. And then I tried to hold it off. Oh. And so anyway, there's a milk.

A hard reset. Press both buttons at the same time. So there's a milk shortage now in Riga because I've just drained the place fucking dry. There's shit everywhere all over the things. It like started dripping onto the floor and the finish guy, a PhD. still there. He hasn't walked off. He's like still part of it.

Guess what he said. What? Do they have coffee machines in Australia? He did not. He sounds like he was a pretty huge dick. That PhD. Yeah, I get, but he was actually hell nice. There was one fuckhead in this situation and it was not him.

Sorry, I was trying to make that your level. I actually know that and you're trying to back me up because you are the best friend I've ever had and we'll ever have. and you are a great person. And I've heard you're an incredible kisser. From me. From you. And your soon-to-be husband. Yeah.

We're going to be married. But don't waste some loyalty tickets on this situation because I do not deserve them. Oh, fuck. I can't believe you did a long press. But it wasn't like he said, Ryan, you're a fuckhead. He said, do you have these in Australia? As if like, oh, first time. Yeah.

Like, oh, your country doesn't know. how to do this. Well, so he's tried to back you up as well, but he's offended all of us in the process. So from now on, the same way that we were like, oh, all the Swedish girls that are here are going to be like, God, I made up with an Australian guy once and it was Charles. In Finland, now they're going to be like, oh, did you know that they don't have coffee machines in Australia? That rumor is going to spread like wildfire because that guy tells one guy, they tell one

friend each, just like a pyramid scheme of misinformation that we don't have. have coffee machines in Australia. You are lighting up the internet this week. Sorry, a pyramid scheme of misinformation was maybe the most amazing thing that I've ever said off the cuff like that. I don't know. I've heard you talk about. Heaps of stuff.

Three thousand different things that once all gave you to money. It was like a long press of information. The last four and a half years just flashed the super. But he just went, you're a fucking idiot. Like, are you joking? Yeah, and there's milk and foam everywhere. And you've got your lanyard on,

which is just adds a humbling element to the whole thing. I just want to say on behalf of the type community and Australians, I'm sorry for letting us down. And if you ever get a coffee in Finland and someone goes, do you know, hang on it? It's because. Of Ryan. And I'm sorry.

The 35,000th most popular birthday in the world. And he doesn't know how to make a coffee. That might push me out. automatic machine. That might push me out to 57,000. Oh, yeah, you're going to drop below me. Yeah, it was just so embarrassing. Did you, because I said, I'll tell you on the book, but did you see the sheepishness in my face?

No, but I saw you kind of look a bit embarrassed. I was like, oh, I don't know, kind of change the subject. I was like, oh, whatever. And because then when I went and got a coffee, I found a barista. And so when I, like, there was a guy making coffee there. So then when I came back, I just didn't even, because I probably, we don't. have them in Australia. So I would have had a similar, you know, result. But I had a guy who was lovely and made me a flatty. Not those lips, a flat white. I've had dreams of just overflowing

foamy milk. Yeah, that sounds terrible. Did you see me after the incident? Do you remember? I do remember. And I didn't think of anything until now. Yeah. That's really horrifying. I'm really sorry, but thank you for sharing it in this safe space. It just kept coming. So I was like, fuck, better stop it. so I kept pushing the button. I just, I think there was about five cappuccinos came out. In tiny cups, which is arguably hilarious.

Three rounds of overflowed espresso cups is just so funny. Like, sounds like a cartoon. If Willy Wonka had like a cappuccino fountain, they just flowed endlessly. Yeah. That sounds yummy. It does.

Yeah. In that setting. Yeah, but not like, in a conference. Yes. Yep, no, I got you. You got a little of the last seat, pick me up. I do have you love to see it.

And unfortunately, it is coffee related. I didn't, I didn't plan this. I didn't plan this. But this is from Becca Bestie, who sent this through on Patreon. And Becca says, hi, absolutely love the podcast. I have a kind of silly you love to see it. First of all, no silly you love to see it. They're all built equal and we love them all.

Mine's pretty silly. I'm having a really rough time of it at work at the moment and was mid-mental breakdown, having a fucking roughy, and we've all been there, and it fucking sucks. I'm in the drive-thru at Starbucks. I'm kind of having a shitty one.

I'm on my way to the job that I'm having a rough time at, and someone in front of me paid for my order. Don't you love that? It turned into me absolutely sobbing and just an absolute snotty mess. It doesn't sometimes, Yeah, the moment and you just get you at the right time and you just go, oh, you know, cost that guy six bucks, but geez.

But it's just really hit me at the time I needed it the most and thank you so much. And I think it's just when you go, everything's gone so wrong. I've got no faith left in any around me. And you just go, oh, that is really wonderful. And Becca, you fucking deserve it. And I'm sorry that work is shitty and I hope that it gets better or you fucking quit and tell them to go fuck themselves. Becca, I'll do you one. better. Get yourself a keep cup and just follow me around at conferences. Yeah, you could just catch

the remnants of Ryan. Of Ryan. Yeah. Literally flowing. If you're in Finland or Australia, because we don't know how to use them, so we're always overflowing. Yeah. The Bambino duo at my house is just always on. Anyway, but Beck, I love to see that. And we're always here for you. There is a company. You know how we love And I don't know if anyone else loves it But I think we have a lot of respect For stationary

A really nice notebook I know that's all around the world Kiki K. But yeah Is that Swedish? It sounds Swedish Or is it like an Australian brand Like trying to appear Swedish

No I'm pretty sure it's Swedish But didn't they go into liquidation Like 75 times And now they sell clothes They always come back Yeah they're always great stuff They do they always come back That's my love to see

That Kiki K just never gives up so true it's a metaphor for life really um so this one company keep on keekin at k is they do really nice pens and it's sort of like the opposite of fast fashion for pens because you can get like lots of cheap ones or it's like no you can get a real beautiful pen that's going to last you like you know that i have my one pen that i like yeah that kind of energy and their whole thing is a pen is for life um now they've got this new pen it's like got all these different colors and whatever and if you use the code a pen is for life. Let me just show you what the code looks like when it's typed out.

A penis for life. Are you going to buy me a really nice pen for my wedding? A pen is for life. A penis for life. Oh. Now there's a lot of questions saying, how did no one notice? Yeah. Or do they know exactly what they're doing?

I think they know because that's very. It is very funny. However, is a beautiful stationary company the kind of company to make that joke? Do a meme. Like if it was some fun streetwear brand or a silly hat. Or, no, Kiki K wouldn't do that. Because it's not that energy. It's not. And so that's where everyone's like, I don't know.

Yeah, maybe they don't know. I don't know. Oh, I think that that's really funny though. Should we get some pants? Can I say six for one? Yeah, six in one. Six in one sounds like too good to be true. It's got a safety collection set.

Scoobler tooth. Look at the fucking code above in the section of the website. Safety blood collection set. Oh, I don't think it's a pen pen. Oh, it's like a diabetic pen. I think so. Well, maybe it is for life. Because it says like lutum and stethoscopes, disposables, equipment, facility and farmer.

I don't think it's a pen pen. I think it's like a... Like an effie pen. Or something. Safety blood... Safety blood collection set and lure adapted 2.30 and 3 quarters box of 90. Can you Google what a... Okay.

Safety blood collection set and lure adapter is Charles. Lua is spelled L-U-E-R. Can I say if it is medical, which it is leaning that way, that's even less likely to make a gag about a penis. It says the safety blood collection set was developed especially for patients with difficulty vein conditions. Yeah. It's like, you know, when you get blood taken or whatever

and they use like a butterfly to help. It's exactly that. Amazing. Amazing. I know that. All right. I'm about to say something. Oh my God.

I'm a blood genius. Call me fucking phlebotomist Tony. You've got a beautiful flabotom. I'm going to say something that may contradict one of the greatest themes of this podcast. Yep. If, and it is very important medical equipment. Yeah. That is the last place you want to make a free penis joke because medical and doctors is

not the place for comedy. Medical comedy. No, it's out. They've decided. Not us. They decided. So maybe we need to buck up our act and stop making jokes at the doctors because it's serious business. It is serious business. And they are not taking it seriously.

You know who you don't want making a joke about a penis, a doctor. So true. Isn't that true? Imagine you're in there and you're like, hey, just like, problem with my old fella. Do you mind having a look? And they go, oh, penis, will I. You'd be like, well, please take it seriously. Yeah.

Oh, do you want a pen? Yeah. To be fair, to everyone accept me. So I'm saying old fella. No, they mind it. That sounds like something like an old fella, I would say. Yeah. Yeah.

the Bick color changeer one. But six is crazy. Six is crazy. I reckon you could get that from Smigel. A six color pen. That's not supposed to be an insult at Smigel, but it kind of sounded like one. It is. Because they're doing too many colors over there at once.

Those springs fling off. First time you try and use it first day of primary school. Poo! See you. Fucked. Anyway. What do you love to see? Already did yours.

Yeah. Thank you. Great. Thanks for listening once again. No, no. It was Becca. It was Becca. Um, all right.

Might come back tomorrow. Oh, might not. Let's send Becca a Tony and Ryan tumbler for her next coffee. Oh, fun. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Um, so we'll figure that out.

Yep, because it was on Patreon so I can find her. And if you would like a Tumblr, there's like too many at our work. So please buy them. Purchase. Yep. Um, where can you buy them, Charles? Uh, Tony and Ryan.com. Dot.

You either. Both. Charles is so good. Yeah. Um. And if you use the code of penis for life, it doesn't get you any money off. Can we put a... But we'll appreciate...

Can we get 10% off for a penis for life? Seven. You got a kid that's going to school, okay? Can we do discounts? Yeah. You can do discounts. All right, bye. Hang on, hang on.

We got to decide on a percentage off for a penis for life. So you get 6% off. 6% is good. You just said 7. But... Oh. Oh, we're doing that I'm going to try tomorrow.

For six or seven percent off, use the code. You never know. A penis for life. Right. At tony and ryan.com Love it. Or are you.

Yep. Yeah. Either both. Or do an order on both to see which one gets due faster. Love you. Bye.