Toni and Ryan - It's A Family Show

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

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Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. I'm Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge and we are calling Linda who is in the Netherlands. Oh, the Netherlinders. Hi. Hello. Yes. It's Tony and Ryan. How are you? I'm good. How are you guys? Oh, good.

Have we called you in the middle of the night in Europe? Absolutely. Oh, I'm so sorry about that. Oh, sorry. Well, if we let you go back to bed really fast, will you approve the podcast quickly? Even if you wouldn't let me go back to bed, I would approve. Oh, that's very nice.

Go to sleep. Go to sleep. There's a little lullaby for you to lull you. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. There's a little lullaby for you to lull you straight back into sleep. Beautiful, beautiful. Hi, guys. It's Linda from the Netherlands. I'm approving this podcast. All right, coming up today,

Tony Lodge is related to a big A-list celebrity asterisk at a time. I'd say that this person has... Everyone on the podcast is going to know him. You too, definitely will. Everyone listening to the podcast. Pretty Aussie-centric I feel. The fact that I haven't heard this in the few years we've known each other, it's never popped up that you've been related to a massive celebrity.

AFL superstar. Oh. So it's, oh, don't do that. So like a big deal in Australia, but probably hasn't, you know, breached overseas. But a big sports star. Big sports star. Massive sports star.

Yeah, it's like New York. LeBron Lodge. It's not. You know that Vine that's like LeBron James, LeBron James. Sorry, Tony's glasses just fell off her head and landed on her microphone. I think I'm going to get new glasses. Yeah? Yeah, and you know how I used to always wear like see-through plastic glasses and I've gone into –

Gone dark. Gone into – yeah, I think I'm going to go like a thicker rim. A gangster frame. Yeah, I think so. I'm for to go like a thicker rim. A gangster frame. Yeah, I think so. I'm for that. Yeah. Are you going to, because we've now met Alison Roman, indulge in a red lip just to complete the look?

I do like a red lip, but I don't think I would ever do that for work because it's a lot of work in the morning. If we record it in the afternoon, maybe I will. Is that a promise? Because with the arrival of Daughter McDaughterface and me not sleeping at night. There has been some discussion. There's been some conversations about maybe we don't do this in the afternoon maybe i will is that a promise because with the arrival of daughter mcdaughter face and me not sleeping at night where there has been some discussions about maybe we don't do this in the morning of our afternoon of timetable yeah we have discussed that are you saying that if we switch to an afternoon we will have a dark rimmed red lipped short fringed tony lodge i think about

the fringe every day like no one laments not having the fringe as much as i do i would love to cut the fringe back in but honestly the bullying online was fucking next level and i actually just don't know if i can deal with it can i because this has been an ongoing issue for years it sounds like i'm just bring everyone up to speed okay so i always used to wear a micro fringe um and you can see it like on my instagram and on our earlier videos and stuff um i always used to wear it and then when our videos started going well i actually talk about it in my book as well when our videos started going i posted a video it went viral it got a few million views and all of the comments were like your hair is shit can i put something out

there yeah please so you were basically the video specifically was you taking the piss out of people who use Samsung phones. The beginning of the video is tell me something that fucks you off without telling, like that doesn't affect you whatsoever. Yeah, but and what was the thing? Oh, and then I was like, because I hate it when people with Samsung phones have that curly font. Yeah.

Because you know the font that I'm talking about, eh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when they post like a screenshot on Instagram or they share something, the handle at the bottom is in the curly font. It's not in my native font. It's in their native font from their phone. Yeah. And I just hate it.

I just think it's so ugly. Like why would anyone choose that? It's so embarrassing. And as strong as you were just then, it's fair to say that in the video you weren't overly diplomatic. You were quite to the point and quite cutting. I'm pretty sure that. About not just the font and not just the foam,

but what it means that the person is who uses those things. So, okay, what I want to get at with this is I feel when you, like, have a massive crack at someone, what you're saying is have a crack back. Oh, I'm opening up the floor. Kind of. Because when you go at someone, especially on the internet, what you're saying is shots fired.

Bring it on. Bring it on. Yeah. And so I don't think if you didn't invite them. People would have said that. There's nothing else in the video. They don't know you. You're just a girl on the internet.

So they just look at this girl sitting on a couch and go. So all you've got is that. It's literally face value. Yeah. All I can see is a fringe and I have to go this bitch. So I guess it's the fringe. Do you know what we're going to do? What?

We're going to put something in our Facebook group. We're going to do a poll. We're going to poll the fringe. Do you know what we're going to do? What? We're going to put something in our Facebook group. We're going to do a poll. We're going to poll the fringe. We'll poll it, but I've actually got an idea for the fringe that I haven't told you yet. Oh, okay. Then we're not polling the fringe. No, we can poll it. The poll might add.

You've got an idea? That's fine. That's fine. No, no, but the poll might add weight to the idea. Oh. Yeah. And actually, I've already said too much. Okay.

I've already said too much. You do know my hairdresser as well, so that's dangerous. Sorry, Torbs is texting me. What's he saying? Bring back the fringe. Yeah, he's like, bring back the fringe? Yeah. I, yeah, okay.

Okay. All right. Okay. Because I feel like the fringe, that's more me than I've ever been. This is not me. Don't you agree? I don't agree that this isn't you, but I do agree when you say I've never felt more me than with the fringe. Never been more me.

And I just feel like I'm, there's just, I'm always done. Like when I've got my fringe, I just feel like I look complete. Do you know what I mean? Tony. Yeah. Sorry. We're not talking about what we're supposed to be talking about. I love you, Tony Lodge.

And I want to see you happy. And I want to see you do things and have things that make you happy. And that's not an argument. I'm just saying. The bullying, though, mate, was just next level. Okay. Also, if this is your first episode, welcome. We don't normally have extra-sensual crises in the show.

Crises. Can we very briefly touch on our morning? Oh, yeah. Yep. Like, I'm a little bit tired. Cam, the roommate's moving out. Tony was a bit – we were all just a bit flat. Feeling a bit flat.

A bit presso today. Yeah, and then I feel like when you talk about I feel like me when I've got the fringe, I kind of go, we're a bit flat. We were kind of like, what is it? I don't know what it is. We're just not quite feeling right. And maybe – and I know people were were really mean which is fucking shit but now that you know that maybe unintentionally uh they're they were just like playing the game of

we're having a go at people yeah uh i know when i used to have big crazy like my hair was really big and high and people used to give me shit that just made me want to grow it higher i liked yeah but i kind of lent into the like i know it shit and i don't give a fuck i didn't think it was shit i thought it was cool but like but when people i mean you're talking to me but when i've got shit like when people said something yeah i was like good like i just lent into it yeah so maybe a part of the the fringe is like the attitude of i know you don't like it and that makes me want to make it even shorter because go fuck yourself. Because I'm Tony Lodge, and I don't need approval from some fucking asshole in a basement

bombing up some girl in Australia in the comment section because he's got nothing better to do than sit on his shit Samsung phone and give shit with your curly fucking font. Because I know Tony Lodge, and I love Tony Lodge, and she deserves the best for for herself for her fringe and her fringe i've definitely got that was beautiful by the way thank you thank you thank you um i definitely have comedy podcast if it's your first time this

is very different i definitely have thicker skin now as well like that was you know that was my first video i ever posted and it just happened to like go viral. Not a good start. Wasn't a great start. Yeah. It really put me off. The videos, the views racking up. I was like, wow, here we go.

Then I looked at the comments and went, fuck that. Look at these views. People love me. People love this. And then I read the comments and I was like. Do you want to know a sneaky thing as well? Yeah. Everyone who comments some shit thing, they're just pumping up your engagement.

Yeah. So fuck them. They're making the views go up. Yeah. Everyone who comments some shit thing, they're just pumping up your engagement. Yeah, thanks. So fuck them. Thanks. They're making the views go up. Yeah. You're right. This isn't a regular episode. And this is not scheduled what we're going to talk about either.

We've got other shit. Like Tony being a celebrity cousin? Relation. Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, no. Relation?

No? Having a relative? How distant's a relative? Oh, we'll get to that later. Anyway. But how are you feeling? Well, I feel better now. And I just think now I feel like I have taken my power back.

Yeah. Because we talked about it and I feel like, oh, I'm not scared now. It's just a matter of like when I'm going to do that. And I know we don't judge people on their looks and this may seem like a random comment but you look hot as fuck today and i definitely have sex with you thank you that's right so i shouldn't cut the fringe back in it's what you're saying but i'd be more likely to with the fringe well i mean it's a compelling argument yeah thanks for saying i look hot today that's really nice i actually didn didn't say that. I said hot as fuck. Hot as fuck. Sorry. Thank you.

I think every family... Moving on. Yeah. Are we started? Yes. So let's get going. I think every family has that like judgmental family member where like if you know they're coming over, you already know that they're going to say. What they're going to pick on.

What they're going to say and you know they're going to say it and you're like cringing and then they say it and it's like, oh, there it is. Yeah. My Uncle Pete. Oh, Uncle Pete. Is that your mum's brother? No. Your dad's brother.

Mum's sister's husband. Okay, yep. But I spent a lot of time with Uncle Pete when I was little. Yeah. He's a car guy. Loves cars. Oh, yeah. He'd fit in with your family, actually. Yeah,. He's a car guy. Loves cars. Oh, yeah. He'd fit in with your family, actually.

Yeah, my brother's a car guy. Yep. Every time he comes around, he looks at my car in the driveway and goes, oh, a bit dusty. When was the last time you cleaned your car? Oh, everybody has one of those in their family. Oh, Ryan, how many times? I remember I got a good laugh at this when I was like 18 in the family.

He goes, how many times a week do you wash your car? And I went, oh, like 0.1. Oh, family of comedians, obviously. I don't get it. I don't wash my car. Well, it's because it's less than once a week. Because he was like, how many times a week do you wash your car? Oh, yeah.

Like, well, on average. Yeah. And everyone laughed at that. You'd look so good with a fridge um but you just know oh pete's and then you get to the point we go fuck pete's coming around should i go and wash the car oh you know what i mean just to try and yeah and and my dad completely and my dad he's a gardening guy oh fuck not like a pro gardener but just like that's his that's his thing pray out of the, pray out of the front lawn.

Yeah. My dog wasn't allowed on the lawn because it was like he just seeded it. Yep. RIP. Little Zaki Babwa. So when dad comes around. Yeah. You ordering that fern?

Yeah. When was the last time you ordered that? Yeah. That looks thirsty, Ryan. You know how people, plant guys say stuff like that? That plant looks thirsty. That tree needs a prune and some water. Actually, if Peter's angling for the car wash and Dad's angling for the...

Do Pete and Dad work for Big Water? Big... Yeah. Oh. Why is the tap not running at all times? They're at the water court and they're going, oh, how can we pump this guy up? Yeah, definitely should hose that car down.

Let's start bullying him about his water use. Yeah. Definitely should hose that car down. Let's start bullying him about his water use. Yeah. Now, Tony, you have already expressed your frustration at Torbs' parents claiming they don't understand trams. Yeah. Or what I do for work or just anything.

Some people don't understand what a podcast is, and that's fine for them. That's fine. But when, oh, oh. Oh, so how do you live? do you, how do you live? So lucky Torbs has a job then, I guess. Yeah, yeah. So Torbs is obviously supporting everyone and, you know, thank God.

So what's latest on the agenda? Well, so I kind of touched on this, but like, so because Torbs and I don't have any family in Melbourne, like very rarely do we get the Uncle Pete's coming around or Dad's coming around or whatever. And over the week like the other weekend we had like a big weekend of doing stuff we went out for lunch with a friend mitch coombs actually we had lunch with him and then we met up with torbs's parents and then sunday morning i worked like we worked on something and that was a few hours and then Sunday afternoon

I'm like oh like we haven't done our food shopping yep we haven't cleaned the house we haven't done any of our washing but like I'm really happy just like being curled up on the couch right now and then it's like 5 p.m and the phone goes yeah and it's tools's parents his dad and his stepmom going oh did you want to do something for dinner and i'm like look i'm really happy curled up on the couch but i was like look we could have a shower and we could go like all the housework's gonna be here when we get back like it's gonna be here waiting for us like it's fine um and we kind of asked and then the whole like parent thing like where did you want to go and they go whole like parent thing like where did you want to go and they go oh we don't mind where do you want to go and it's like fuck can you just tell me what

you feel like because we could go to like italian or indian or a pub but like just let us know and don't ask me how to fucking get there on a fucking tram yeah i actually was like we can just you know we can figure this out just ask them what they feel like eating. And they were like, we want bangers and mash at a pub. And I was like, easy. Okay, that's fine. And then so we're like, yeah, what do you want to do? They tell us that. And they go, what we'll do, we'll come to your house to meet Pippa and then we'll go to the pub from there.

Instantly. The house is a mess. The house is a mess. Fuck. We haven't done anything. We've got to take rubbish down. Like the in-laws are coming. Like light a fucking candle The house is a mess. Fuck. We haven't done anything. We've got to take rubbish down. The in-laws are coming over. Like, the in-laws are coming. Like, light a fucking candle.

Fucking, you know. Yeah, light a candle. And you know when people kind of come to your house for the first time and they go, let's have a look at the place. I'll give you the tour. So not only does, like, the main room need to be cleaned, but everything kind of needs to be, like, a bit more schmick because you know that they're going to go, oh, and is your room just down the back?

Or like, oh, two bathrooms. Let's look at both because no one's seen a fucking bathroom in their life. Just trust me that there's a bathroom in there. Did they go for a half an hour walk to explore all of the courtyard? That's how they ended up in Federation Square the other day. They went to the courtyard. They went, fuck, this goes a long way, doesn't it? Which tramp stop is your courtyard?

Oh, my God. You actually get off 9 or 10. Yeah. Like when someone lives on like lot 103 and it's like... Oh, what address are you? 107 to 115. So how long did you have between them saying, I'll come round and them going to get there?

So they first text at 5 o'clock and probably by the time they told us what they wanted to do and that they wanted to come round and meet Pippa was probably 5.30. So we're thinking, oh, my God, they're probably going to be here in like 20 minutes maybe and then we'll have a quick jaunt around the house and then go, cool, let's go out for dinner. So instantly Torbs and I are like battle stations. Yep.

We've got to fucking get this away. Yeah. Anyway, so like- Where do we put the treadmills? Yeah, like- Because like, you know how parents love to go like, oh, are you using those? I happen to use it.

Don't fucking ask questions like that. Yeah, fuck off. Yeah, I've already had Ryan bully me for this. I don't need fucking you as well, all right? So you know how the other day you were like, I'm cancelling coffee table books? This is where the design of the coffee table book came from because I was like, I've got to make all this shit look artistic

and like a choice. So not only is there a coffee table book that's like kind of planned nicely, there's also, you know, a washing table that needs to be folded and go, oh, that's only just come out of the dryer. And do you have like a washing table book? Washing powders of the 21st century is out on display. I've just probably got all these books. You're like, where do we put them?

Oh, my God. If we stack them nice, we can put them anywhere. Yeah, there's ten versions of my book I'm trying to sell. I've got, like, one of those square readers. I'm like, did you want to buy one of these? You could. Anyway. Oh, sorry, that's $38.

Add a bit more. Anyway, so there's, like, all of this shit, and we're like, fuck, and there's, you know how, like, when you live in an apartment building, the kind of, like, the recycling kind of builds up a bit? So it taught us to do, like, two trips down to the bin. Are you going to shoot? No, we don't have a shoot he told us to do like two trips down to the bin. Are you going to shoot? No, we don't have a shoot. You have to like go down to the garage.

Anyway, so he's like taking like the rubbish and then he's like, I need to take the recycling. So he's out of the house. I'm doing all these things. And then he asked me something. I'm like, not important right now. Like we have probably got 20 minutes before they come. We also needed to both have showers and both get dressed.

This feels like an episode of 24. Like as you're describing this, it's like there's a ticking clock in the corner, like it's counting down. Literally, it was like we could hear their footsteps like walking into the fucking, like walking towards our building. Anyway, and then we have like, we can't believe we've done it. We've both gotten in the shower for about 3.6 seconds each. We're looking presentable.

We're like, they're going to be here any minute. You've pulled off a miracle. Like we're kind of like wiping Pippa's face. We're like, yep, she's ready to go. Everything's looking good. And then they message. They go, oh, might be a bit hard to get to your house. Do you want to just meet there?

Meet at the pub. Meet there. Meet at the pub. And I go, well. No, come over. I'm kind of pissed off now. Yeah. Because you said you were coming over.

And on Saturday night, they said, they were like, oh, do you guys have a dog? And we're like, yeah. And they're like, what kind? And I was like, oh, she's a French Bulldog. And they go, oh, what an ugly dog. i was like what that is my daughter that you're talking about and then i was like no she's she's honestly gorgeous i showed him a photo like yeah and i could not believe like of all the you, of all the, you can fucking go, my fringe. You can fucking say whatever you want, but not my little. Don't go, my fucking dog. Not my little pippy.

And anyway, so they go, oh, we actually might not come. And I go, well, my house is clean now. You know, so tick. Like, we got a clean house out of it. Can you take the dog to the pub? They don't deserve her. No, they don't deserve her, right? Anyway, so we go, okay, cool

We'll come pick you up And then like, so we went and got them And then they get in the car They get in my car, my beautiful car Yeah And I'm like, well, there's nothing they can say about this Because this car is perfect in every way And they get in, they go, oh, how long have you had this?

I was like, oh, a couple of months They go, pretty small in the back, isn't it? I cleaned my fucking house for you. You know what? I actually am glad that didn't come up because even though you clean it to perfection, the house would have been looking sleek. People would have been looking hot as fuck. And they go, I love that coffee table book.

Yeah, coffee table book, washing table book, all the books. But they would have found something. There still would have been something. Is anything good enough for these people? No, but I think that's just family. Is it their generation? There's just always something where they go, oh, would have been nice if you had a different colour dishwasher.

I go, well, that's just the one that came with the property, unfortunately. Like, I'm renting. Like, I can't fix anything that is, you know, permanent. So they don't like getting the tram. Yep. They don't like getting Ubers apparently because fucking imagine downloading an app. Well, that's a whole app. It's a whole app.

Yep. And taxis are new technology as well, aren't they? And then their son is railing this hot as fuck girl who offers to drive him in her Audi. Like my two prides and joys are Pippa and that car. I guess Cam and I will go fuck ourselves. Oh, well, you guys are just my little beans. Like you're part of it as well. Didn't sound like it, did it, Cam?

No. Well, you guys weren't fucking there helping me clean. Oh, I'd love to. Well, you weren't. I wasn't invited. But you know what I mean? And I was just like, oh, is it? Like, I'm't invited. But you know what I mean? And I'm like, you've have. And I was just like, oh, is it like, I'm always driving.

So like, yeah, can't tell. They go, oh, yeah. What the fuck? And I think I'm like, they are. They are so lovely. Doesn't sound like it. They are so lovely. And I'm glad they don't understand what podcasts are,

because it means we can jump on this show and bag them the fuck out. And they'll never find out. I don't know what I'm listening from Torz's family. See you at the wedding. It's definitely one of those things though where I'm like, it wouldn't have mattered. And maybe I should have just left the house messy and been like, come on over.

Let me fucking have it because my house is a piece of shit because I've been working all weekend. If you're going to complain anyway, let me give you a whole bunch of shit to complain about. That's the thing. And I'll make your day. Like, because I put in all this effort and then it's kind of like, oh, so I. It's still like fucked.

Is it the older generation? And I hate to be one of those generation people. Yeah. But like, do they kind of feel the need to like put us in our place? Well, I don't know. You don't know what hard's like. I'm just going to make sure you know that I'm just a little bit better than you. And because I'm guessing that, like, as time has gone on, people have gotten, like, more emotionally intelligent and, like, more aware, I think.

So I'm kind of like, I get it because your parents probably did that to you. So you feel like you have to do that to us. But I'm like, I'm not your daughter. Like, I'm not part like, I get it because your parents probably did that to you. So you feel like you have to do that to us. But I'm like, I'm not your daughter. I'm not part of your family. I actually shouldn't be exposed to this. Yeah. Like, I don't live near my family and that's fine. Yep.

I shouldn't then have to come from someone else's family. Okay. I don't have a diamond. Yeah. You can't be rude to me. I'm not part of this family You can't be rude to me. I'm not part of this family. If your son wants to put a fucking ring on it, I'll hear you out.

But until he does, go fuck yourself. Get a taxi. Take yourself out for dinner. Get your own ugly dog. Hi, guys. It's Linda from the Netherlands. You're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Jenny Stowers, thank you so much.

Megan Johnson, love ya. Tanika Jane and Bella Carlini Jenny Stowers, thank you so much. Megan Johnson, love ya. Tanika Jane and Bella Carlini Rath. Thank you so much. Bella Carlini Rath. Isn't that a great name? That's a great name. Also, all those people in our Patreon, they have access to a discount code for our merch pre-order,

which ends tomorrow. So fucking get across it. If you're interested in pre-ordering merch, you need to do it right now. ASAP, if not before. We're about to find out that... Oh, no, you just finished coffee. Oh, sorry.

We're about to find out that Tony Lodge is related to a massive celebrity. But first, I actually need some family help of my own. Oh, it's real family day today. It is a family day. Cam. You guys are my chosen family, just so you know. Thank you.

When I give you the nod, would you be able to, like, give me an acapella, like, scat kind of, like, thinking music kind of thing? Because I need everyone and you, Tony, to help me out. My daughter, Mabel. Your daughter, Mabel, yes. Your first blood relative in your immediate family. Very exciting. Thank you.

We're very excited. She mistaken the top of her bottle for my nose last night and tried to suck milk out of it. And I have never laughed so hard in my life. I don't know if it was because it was a bit ticklish or because of just how hilarious it was. That's adorable. Yeah, but we rolled around and she's starting to like giggle

and smile at her dad. Don't, you'll make me cry. It was so funny. And we're just lying there on the floor rolling around having a good time. I love feeding her. Yeah. Like it's probably the first time I've ever like fed a baby. want to come around tonight and give her a little feed and just like hold her

bottle and she's just like sucking away happy eyes and she's got those like like dreary like milk drunk eyes and she's looking up at you like this and she's just so happy so turns out i'm a feeder yeah i love making people happy yeah i'll just feeder, not mean that. Oh, hang on. What does that mean? Yeah, no, I reckon don't Google it, eh? Oh, okay. Sorry. Oh, no, it's fine.

I meant like I love to. Yeah, no, I get it. Yeah, no, I get it. I love to fill my friends up. Yeah. That's what I mean. Yeah. Yep.

Yep. So Esther comes around the other day, right? Who's Esther? So she, well, that's what I need your help to figure out. Who the fuck? But you can't just say a name. esther so esther lauder esther lauder and maybelline are hanging out together that's very funny and maybe it's mabel esther is like a year old oh oh it's a baby oh i thought you meant it was like an adult no no okay esther's a baby and they're like hanging

it like you know just sitting next like laying next to each other and everyone's like cute as fuck. That's cute. Because they're related to each other. Oh, lovely. How? I don't know. And that's why I need you. So you just let a baby walk into your house.

So I need you, Tony, Cam, and everyone listening to try and explain what name do we give these guys who are related to each other? Okay. Can I take a stab early in the piece? Sure. I can tell you all the information, but no, you go. No, I just, because maybe we'll be able to figure this out backwards.

Okay. But I'm going to take a stab early in the piece. Surely they're... Is it going to be something weird like Esther is Mabel's aunt somehow? No, I think they're on the same level. Okay. All right. Oh, well, then does that ruin the punchline?

Are they just cousins? Well, I feel like the word cousin will be included. Oh. All right. So I'm really good friends with Max. Actually, no, I'll go around the other way. I'll go around the other way. My mum's.

Yeah. Her sister is Linda. Should I take notes? Andinda is married to david and david's sister is sandy who's no longer with us she was a beautiful lady sandy's son is max and max and i are really good mates and went to high school together and max's daughter is esther And Max's daughter is Esther. Okay. So, I mean, first of all, no blood relation because you're not related to your mum.

So sorry to break that to you. What? But, like, straight away. May or may not add another layer to the mix. Straight away, the fact that you're not related to your mum by blood. By love, yes, but by blood, no. But even if my mum was my biological mother, Max still wouldn't be... Alright.

No, no, no, no, no. Okay, so your mum, her sister is Linda. So your Aunty Linda is married to your Uncle Dave. Yep. And David's sister, Sandy, who, God rest her soul, has passed away, would technically be your, like, aunt-in-law,

which would mean that their son, Max, would be your cousin-in-law. Second cousin-in-law? No, your cousin-in-law because it's, like, the same level. Yeah. And then his daughter would be your second cousin-in-law. No, your niece-in-law. Wait. Oh, hang on.

Because nieces is like from siblings. Yeah. And there's no sibling here. They're cousins. But Max would be your cousin-in-law. So that would make Esther your second cousin-in-law. But second cousin is not the same level as cousin? Doesn't it go down one?

Like down a generation? No, because there's no further word. So that would be your second cousin. Like your cousin's kids. That would be your, yeah, I'm quite good friends with Dicko's cousin's kids. No, that would be that, wouldn't it? That would be second cousin. So that would mean that Esther is your second cousin,

which does that make Mabel her third cousin? Step third cousin. No, not step. In-law. In-law. Sorry, in-law. In-law. Because Dave is technically your, like, because that's your uncle, but it's like your uncle-in-law.

Yeah, so the baby's the next big child. I said, hey, Max, how do you reckon they're related? And he said, I don't know, do you want to get in the fire and die? Instead of trying to, we both went, oh, no no i don't want to think there's people yelling at the podcast right now but i'm pretty sure they would be your they would be third cousins third cousins no they would be second cousins no okay you don't have a microphone so don't be a fuckhead yeah come over here you idiot so david is linda's brother. Yeah. No, they're married.

Married. That's still your uncle. Yep. Because by marriage. Yep. Yeah. Yep. And then...

No, but then Sandy would be your aunt-in-law. Yep. Or aunt by marriage. Aunt by marriage, yep. Second aunt by marriage. Yeah. Yeah. But second aunt isn't a thing.

No. It would be, it's not going to be anything to do with third cousins. Because if Linda had a child. She does. That's Bonnie and Rowdy. That's your cousins. Yep. If Bonnie, et cetera, had a child, that would be your second cousin.

Oh. So it's your cousin's kids is your second cousin. So i'll tell you what's weird so when so max yeah so max is ryan's cousin in law and and so that's why esther is ryan's second cousin and that would make them third that's what i said okay yeah i don't know know the answer, but that's why I'll take that. And we'll see what people say in the podcast. And I want to agree with you. It would be. Second cousin in law.

Is that what you're saying? But is it? We can drop the in law because that doesn't exist. But like, technically though, you wouldn't consider you really related because like. Yeah. I mean, because you're not. How dare you? Because there's no blood there.

But for argument's sake, I'm pretty sure it would be third cousins. So. We'll put this equation in the Facebook thread. Yeah. And you can try and figure it out. Yeah. Yeah, they will be so annoyed. Or they've driven off the road.

I'll stop listening because this is awful. So Max and I are born in the same year, went to the same high school. We're really good mates. And on the first day of school, one of my best friends, Kate, we were at the same primary school. And she goes, oh, Ryan, there's this guy in my class called Max. And he just sort of reminds me of you. You guys get along.

And first day of high school, you don't really know anyone. So everyone's like shaking hands and being polite. And so Kate's like, oh, Ryan, this is Max. And we shook hands and we kind of went, oh, nice to meet you, man. Oh, where'd you go? And Kate was like smiling like, oh, I've introduced these guys. Like matchmaker. And she goes, oh, that went pretty well.

I was like, yeah, so he's my cousin. Yeah. We think. We think. And then we jokingly would just say cousins because heaven forbid any time. That that would come up. Yeah. I'll just go, say cousins because, heaven forbid, any time. That that would come up. Yeah, I'll just go, you know what?

Cousin. Yeah, and I think that's probably the simplest way to put it. Yeah, cool. Yeah. Are we going to leave that in? Yes. Yeah, 100%. Because I'll be fine with you editing out the last half an hour

of us trying to explain my family. But I want to know, is Mabel's relation to Esther the similar distance as your relation to a big-time celebrity? So a bit like you and Max. I used to just say that this person was my cousin for simplicity. It's been cousins. What the fuck? The AFL player, yes.

AFL superstar, which I said. AFL premiership superstar. He used to be the captain of West Coast Eagles back in the high point days. Yeah, when they were doing – don't say high. Well, so that's why – Cam's lost it. Yeah, that's my family. That is your family, sorry.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought you were going to say this one guy played a game. No, it's Ben Cousins. Ben Cousins, who is like an Australian football legend for anybody not in Australia. Future Hall of Famer. Yeah, like actually amazing.

And he had a couple of rough years. He's back on top now. He's like playing like – He's semi-retired, but he's like playing local footy, having a fun time. He's playing local footy, doing really well, and he's like doing a lot of like football community stuff. Yeah, yeah. footy doing really well and he's like doing a lot of like football community stuff yeah yeah and so

as a kid this was like a huge flex for me because the eagles were doing very well at that time and um so that's just really cool um and you had an in yeah and so mom me, and we all know my mum's track record on the truth isn't great, but apparently so my – oh, fuck. I couldn't tell you how actually, but from memory – Is it because his last name's his cousin's? No. This is from memory, right, that my mum's mum, Molly – Yeah, grandma. Yeah, that her cousin – My mum's mum, Molly. Yeah. Grandma. Yeah.

That her cousin. Yeah. See, this is where. Yeah. What does removed mean when people say like twice removed? What does that mean? It means all murdered by the godfather. What does that mean?

Anyway, it doesn't matter. Problem from another day. I think that's where we were getting at before with the in-law by marriage. It's like. Right. So it's like a half a step back kind of thing. Okay. Anyway, so my mum's mum, my grandma Molly,

that her cousin married someone whose brother was Ben Cousins' dad. Yeah. And so I have like been dining out on this my whole life, like telling people that we're related and that whenever it comes up, I'm like, oh, yeah, well, like with the fam. And my brother, so no complication there, like my brother, he and his daughter, so my niece Ashley, they went on this, like, father-daughter school camp the other week.

Oh, nice. Which is really sweet. So think um Ash is like my niece Ash she is like probably in maybe going into year eight or something so maybe it was like a um a bonding like high school camp like get to know the other girls in your year like their dads come along It's like a really lovely like experience. And they were all like bunking kind of. So it was like a dad, like four dads and four daughters to each kind of dorm or whatever. Yeah, righto. And so Jamie, my brother, is like going around like introducing himself to everybody.

And the fourth dad in the bunk is fucking Ben Cousins. What? And he's there with his daughter going to this like daddy-daughter camp. Imagine going to a camp and Ben Cousins is What? And he's there with his daughter going to this daddy-daughter camp. Imagine going to a camp and Ben Cousins is there. Yeah, and my brother. So he turns on the charm and he goes, Oh, mates, yeah, good to meet you. It's nice to not have the pressure of being the best-looking guy here.

That's good gear. And brought the house down. Runs in the family, not removed. Ben Cousins is unbelievably good-looking. He's a hottie. I mean, I can't say that because obviously he's my cousin. Yeah, you'd still fuck him. Anyway, so. Didn't disagree with that one. So a couple, what did you say? You'd still

fuck him. Oh my god, I missed what you said. I was like, oh, she just swept that under the rug. Anyway. Don't nod at me because you know it's not a video episode. And then, so, that kind of happens and Jamie gets back from the camp and he and I are like on the phone or he texts me or something. He goes, oh, you're not going to believe what happened.

Like he's at his camp or whatever. And I was like, did you ask him? Yeah, did he know that that's your cousin? And Jamie was like, what? And I was like, did you ask him about the thing? And he was like, nah, I should have. And I was like, obviously. Like, you had the best chance ever to, like, actually verify whether this was true.

Ben Cousins hasn't roomed with anyone since he was in Jackal. I mean, what an opportunity. This is my family. It's not untrue. Don't besmirch the Cousins Lodge brood. I don't know. But, yeah, and I was like, yeah, the perfect opportunity to ask him and verify the truth of this story, tale the truth the perfect opportunity to get in and be like

lifelong friends yeah so but apparently they go along really well and he's like fucking such a nice guy which i bet he is yeah i would believe yeah absolutely um and yeah anyway so i was like oh like was like family camp like a bit of. Anyway. So what you're saying is you still, despite rooming with him. Yeah, still don't know. Cannot confirm or deny. It's still in the air. Still up in the air. But I mean, it is a pretty good celebrity relation.

And I still tell people to this day that he's my cousin. Yeah. Do people question the last name? Do you reckon that he goes like, oh, that's my cousin. When he sees my videos on TikTok. Yeah, they'll pop up and he'll be on TikTok. He's like, that's my cousin. Yeah. I actually roomed with her brother. Yeah. Oh, you won my cousin. When he sees my videos on TikTok. Yeah, they'll pop up and he'll be on TikTok. He's like, that's my cousin. Yeah.

I actually roomed with her brother. Yeah. Oh, you won't believe it. And he's pretty good looking. And he said, well, that's him. Not as good looking as me, obviously. But, you know, runs in the family. So Max's daughter.

I don't know whether to say thanks for listening or to apologise for this episode. And if you're thinking about coming back tomorrow, thanks. Do it. It'll be better tomorrow. Yeah. I do hope you love to see it, though. And I'm going to say, it's a 10-year anniversary, by the way, of this. This is one of the Hall of Fame internet moments.

Oh, here we go. Yep. And you'll kick yourself if you don't guess it. But if I say, what is one of the great Australian viral videos? He came bounding over. That's up there. It's not that. It's not that area.

Tony? That would be what I would guess. Today is 10 years since waiting for a mate. So let me bring you up to speed if you don't know this. years since waiting for a mate. Oh. So let me bring you up to speed if you don't know this. Basically, this guy has, he's drunk and high as a kite driving his car. Yeah, which is fucking ridiculous. He's driven up onto the curb and he's ended up, not even just on the curb, he's in the garden of a police, not a police, of a petrol station.

Yeah. And he's like in the garden, the front bumper's hanging off, the wheel's hanging off. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the car's like yellow stickered, which is like caution of, yeah. Yeah, it's all fucked up

and it's like one of those RBT police reality shows. Which I love. Yeah. And so the cops rock up and go, so what are you doing? And he's just sitting there

drunk as in the passenger seat with the windows down. He goes, I'm just waiting for a mate. It's like midnight. It's pitch black. There's no one around. And they go, oh, your mate.

Where's he? And he goes, he's just over there somewhere. And they go, what's his name? He's like, James. Yeah. Just a mate. We're just waiting for a mate. Just waiting for him.

Just waiting for a mate. And that meme ended up fucking everywhere. And the guy, like, his fucking eyes are, like, in two different directions. Yeah. I watched the full video to celebrate the anniversary the other day. Oh, wow. Got a lot on being a new dad, obviously. Oh, well, there are a lot of times when you're awake at 3 a.m.

There's something else to do. Trying to, like, rock a baby to sleep. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I might watch the original 10-minute clip of that. I've got all this time. He ended up blowing 1.16, which is, like, three or four times the legal limit. I think the legal limit is 0.03, isn't it?

Yeah, 0.05, depending on which state you're in. Because I was like, yeah, what happened to that guy? Was he actually over? Was he genuinely waiting for a mate? I can confirm there was no mate. No mate. He was quite drunk. And 10 years since that OG video.

I can't believe we're old enough for things to have been 10 years ago. Doesn't that feel so weird? Yeah. Weird. Sorry, I don't know. That was video. I can't believe we're old enough for things to have been 10 years ago. Yeah, I know. Doesn't that feel so weird? Yeah. Weird. Sorry, I don't know. That was weird. That was weird. But you love to see that.

You do love to see that. My love to see it is a bit more heartwarming than just waiting for a mate. But on the door of this kindergarten or preschool, there's like a laminated piece of paper like out on the letterbox and it says, a letter to all truck drivers who blow your horns. We, the teachers at Blah Child Care, just want to express the sheer joy and excitement you bring to our children when you blow your horn for them as you're driving by.

It's the talk of the yard all morning and all afternoon when you blow your horn. The talk of the yard. The children talk and there's like a list of what they like to discuss after. What you have in your trucks, like what are you hauling, you know. They associate your trucks as dry if it's a rectangle trailer or liquid if it's a round one. That makes sense.

Smart kids. They talk about where you're going and where you've been. Yeah. How many wheels do you have on your, and how loud your horn is. Thank you from all the children at Blah Child Care Centre for making our date. That is unbelievable. Isn't that so sweet?

Don't know how they'd read that as they're driving past, but still lovely. Like it's just an A4 fucking piece of paper. It is laminated. I will give them that. It does have permanence. Can you tell those three-year-olds to be a bit more concise

with their writing because I'm actually flying past. Bigger. Shorter. Thank you. That's how I like them. What's that mean? I don't know.

So the daycare centre that we're thinking about putting Mabel in at some stage. Because you've got to think about it early, eh? You've got to be on the waiting list for fucking years. Fuck that.

Are you going to sign her up to be MCC member? Possibly, yes. You should. The second you ejaculate, sign up at the local daycare. It's already too late. Cam, just letting you know the doctor you fucked last week, did you ejaculate? You should probably look into some childcare.

By the time you've jizzed, it's already too late. It's too late. It's too late. But it backs on to a road, like a busy road. Oh, yeah. And so the kids will be standing there, like, watching the trucks go past. I like that. And I still remember when I was young, because it was similar.

When I was in the Eltham Preschool, it was on the main road. And the horses would trot by with their carts on the back. And Henry Ford was there. And they had the first car that had ever been built off the production line. That was a new thing then, wasn't it? A truck came past and it had, remember when, maybe this is before your time as well,

18-year-old fuckheads who drove like fully sick cars. Oh, yeah. Like would have like a novelty horn. Oh, I don't think I've ever seen one in real life, but I do know what you're talking about. And so a truck came past with a novelty horn. Oh, and it went like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do years we were talking about it. I would be talking about that still. And someone said, Ryan, in 105 years when you've got a podcast, you're going to still be talking about it. You won't believe that you'll be still dining out on this like Tony's cousin.

There's a tunnel in New Zealand, in Wellington, that as you drive through it, everyone beeps at each other. It's like a thing. And if you go like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, then someone else will go beep, beep. That's sick. Yeah, and all of them do it. So when we were there visiting for a girl I used to work with, PJ, Torbs and I went over for her engagement party.

And our best friends, Jag and Lane, were there and they hired a car and stuff. And they're like, oh, everybody does it. And you go through this tunnel and everybody does the beep and replies and stuff. Yeah, fuck yeah, we can. Any excuse to go to New... We're going to New Zealand. Yeah.

Oh, yay. Yep. Yum, yum, yum. I love New Zealand. Yum, yum, yum. I love... Yeah. Yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum. This episode has been fucked and I'm really sorry. Yeah. The energy was high, though, I think. And it made been fucked and I'm really sorry. Yeah. The energy was high though, I think. And it made up for the lack of anything substantial. Yeah. And I appreciate that from both of us. Yeah.

We're like the biggest con artists ever. We just got a whole episode out of nothing. Thanks so much for listening. We'll chat to you tomorrow. Please come back. Please come back. Love you, bye.