Toni and Ryan - IT'S SO HARD

Episode Date: August 2, 2023

EVERYTHING IS TOO FUCKING HARD AND WE CAN'T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Hello. We are calling Savannah in South Korea. Oh. Hello. Hi, is that Savannah? Yes. Hey, it's Tony and Ryan.

How are you doing? Oh my gosh, hello. Your husband has organized a surprise for you. I don't know if you knew or not, but we are calling to get an approval for a podcast. I did know. He told me just a few weeks ago when it was first

supposed to be scheduled, but I've been so excited ever since. Oh, sorry. My wife rudely had a baby so we had this very scheduled. But Savannah, will you approve today's podcast? Yes, of course I approve. Woohoo! Thanks, Savannah.

Hi, this is Savannah from South Korea, and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today. Shit's got too hard. Too fucking hard. Life has got too hard. I've got a very simple request, and I think other people will go, I've also had that request, and just like you, Ryan, have struggled because life is too hard. Do you know what gets me?

Dinner. Every fucking day. Every fucking day. Every fucking day you've got to eat dinner. Yeah. You're joking me. How did my mum do that? Like my fucking bitch little ass would come home from school every day, like, Mum, what's for dinner?

And she'd say something and I'd go, ugh. You know, it's really hard to come up with shit to eat for dinner. I was going to say, I just wanted to clarify, eating dinner every night. Yeah. Easy. Oh, that's fine. But like coming up with something. Coming up with something to do.

But every day? Every day? I'm on the record, and Bridget's not, I don't care for meals of the day. I eat, if it's a Tuesday and I just go, I just want a bowl of cereal. I can't be fucking thinking about dinner. I'm down. That's fine with me. Oh, I'd eat, if it wasn't for Torbs, I would eat toast or cereal for every meal probably.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, like until it was the weekend and I was like, oh, I'm going to make a lasagna or something like really high fiddly. I'm also pretty down with leftovers for dinner. Yep. But in our house, for some reason, it's like dinner is like the event. Like it needs to be a new dinner every night.

Well, I think that's all. Most houses are like that. But I'm with you. It's too hard. But we sit down on a Saturday or a Sunday and I'm like, oh, yeah, we'll go to the food shopping. Then it's like, well, what are we going to have every day? I'm like, fuck this again.

This again. Anyway, that's coming up. of the food shopping then it's like well what are we going to have every day I'm like fuck this again this a fucking game anyway that's coming up just letting some steam off are we in the comedy section yeah fuck but first let's do normal or nah

people submit them into the Tony and Ryan Facebook group so there's what 55,000 60,000 oh woo woo join the Facebook group

because people are leaving their normal or nahs and everything else and they love to see it they love to see it. They love to see it. And it's also great. Sometimes there's a bit of beef in the comments with the normal on ours. Yeah.

That's how you know you're onto a good one. Yeah, it is. So do you just see the one with the most replies? You're like, yep, put that one in there. 26 replies. That'll go in the straight. See that one in there. Kat Furlong.

Hi, Kat. Oh, maybe she's been walking the dog with BJ like I was talking about yesterday. Oh, well, she needs a haircut because her fur's too long. Sorry. Kat Furlong's got a normal or nah? Kat Furlong. Well, if it's Kat Furlong, what's her name? Kat?

Kat Furlong. Kat Furlong. Yep. Well, if it's cat for long, what's her name? Car? Cat for short? Cat for long? Yep. That's quite funny. That's quite funny. Okay. Lay it on me. When I go for a walk, I say hi to all the dogs that I walk past.

Oh, they normally don't like dogs. Okay. Okay. I like dogs. Okay. They're quite good meows. Annoyingly very good. Meow. A human... They're quite good meows. Annoyingly very good. A human... A human named Kat said when she goes for walks,

she always says hi to the dogs. However... Sorry. However, she said, I would die before I utter a word to their human owner. It's as if they don't even exist. Is this normal behavior or nah? I think that's normal because you kind of go, hi, puppy,

or something like that. But the owner looks at you and you go, how are you doing? You don't fucking talk to me. Yeah, but just because it happens to us a lot when I'm walking Pippa because she's so little. People are always Pippa because she's so little. People are always like, oh, she's so little. And I'm like, yeah, thanks. Like how do you respond to that?

And then normally the only thing I can think of to say is like, oh, say hi, Pippa. Because then they don't go, what's her name? So at least if I go, oh, say hi, Pippa, they go, oh, Pippa. Because then they don't go, what's her name? So at least if I go, oh, say hi, Pippa, they go, oh, Pippa. But I mean say hi, Pippa. Like, Pippa, like, say hello. But then they know her name. They know it's a girl because they always go, he's so small.

So BJ used to have a pink collar. Yep. And people used to say she all the time. Yep. And he doesn't like being misgendered. Yep. Fair enough. Does Pippa still have the name tag that says Pippa?

No, we had to take them off because she was getting recognised at the park. People went over to Torbs and was like, that's Tony's dog. And so he was like, okay, we're taking those off. Yeah, right. Okay. Fair call. Fair call. Tessa says.

Tess, any. No, I don't have anything. I don't have a tip. Yeah, just insert joke here, mate. I was like, Tesla, maybe? No, that's okay. Tess says, when my phone rings, I'll just stare blankly at it, wishing it to stop ringing.

Then a few minutes later, I'll text them and be like, oh, you called? What? Everything all good? Yeah, I was in the shower. Yeah. Is this normal behaviour or nah? Normal.

A hundred percent. I actually think it's offensive to call someone. What? Everything all good? I was in the shower. Yeah. Is this normal behavior or nah? Normal. A hundred percent. I actually think it's offensive to call someone. Whenever, and this is not good probably, but whenever someone calls me, I go, hey, is everything all right? I just assume that something terrible has happened because otherwise, wouldn't you just text? Threads me, dog. Just text. Threads me, dog.

I emailed the university I go to and said, like, just with like an admin logistics question or whatever. And I was like, hi. What was it about? Is everything okay? I just, because even now it's only August. They're kind of like, here's how the subjects are going to roll out next year. Oh, fuck. So you can kind of plan around.

And especially with us going to the US, I'm like, well, I've got to make sure the dates, I can't be mid-subject. And be like, oh, it's a seven-week subject. I'm just going to miss the first five weeks. All good. Yeah. Or even if we're away and you're like, I've just got to do an assignment today. I'm like, no way.

Yeah, exactly. So there's a bit of like, what date does that finish? And so it was a pretty easy question, right? And she just goes, oh, what's your best number? I'll explain it to you. Text me, bitch. I was like, excuse me. Honor the communication channel that I have chosen.

I have chosen email. Yep. And it's literally, this is what, I can't remember the exact question, but the answer was something like, yep, it's on Tuesdays and finishes on the 20th of November. Like it was very like what's. It was like a factual question. It wasn't like, hey, I need your advice on signing into this thing

or whatever. And I was just like- Do you know what really- And you've probably seen this like do the rounds online, but nothing makes me panic more than when I'm on the phone to someone and someone else rings and it says like send a voicemail, accept and decline or decline and accept or fucking whatever. And I'm literally, it's like I'm stuck in the matrix and nothing,

and, like, the world's revolving around me at, like, a million zillion miles an hour and I'm just staring at my phone like this, like, red, blue, blue pill, whatever the fucking thing is, and I just can't deal with it. So, okay, when you're on the phone, it's got one button, and the button is end the call. Yep. And then in a moment of panic, Apple goes, 55 buttons!

Literally. Which one? All of them are similar, but they're different. Yeah, and you have to look at them all and, like, discern. They all mean the same. I look at them and go, they all mean the same thing. And, like, why is there an option for me to hang up on the person I'm on the phone to and answer the other one?

How fucking rude. Like, you and I are on the phone and producer Cam rings. I go, well, fuck that guy. And I end it in, like, what is that? Oh, surely you go, Cam's on the line. I'll call you back. Oh, yeah. I guess you don't have to just press it.

But the panic makes you think that you do have to press. You're, like, working against the clock when it's happening. Well the panic makes you think that you do have to press it. You're like working against the clock when it's happening. It's like counting down. It's like, which wire do I fucking cut? All right, next time that happens, just instantly press it. I don't want to. Or what about when it's like,

keep on the phone and just reject the incoming call? Like send a voicemail or just decline? Oh, but then I'd have to check voicemail. I mean, no one does that. Who's doing that? No. Anyway. No one I want to be friends with.

Exactly. Someone said to me the other day. You left me a voicemail recently. No. You did. Ironically. I think you did, though. Did I?

Oh. What's this concerning? Is this dangerous areas? Did I? What's this concerning? Is this dangerous areas? Hello, this is Ryan Jonathan Jonathan 049 I deleted it Instead of pausing it So I hope it wasn't important. I think I was trying to be funny because your thing goes, please leave your name and number and I'll get right back to you.

It's a very professional voicemail message. Yeah, fucking righto, mate. Sorry, mate. Oh, I think I can play my greeting as well. Oh. Well, let's fucking get amongst it. How do you do that? I don't know.

I set my greeting over 10 years ago and it hasn't changed. Mine too. Hi, you've called Tony Lodge. I can't get to the phone right now. If you could leave your name and number and I'll get back to you just as soon as I can. Thank you. That's very professional. Yeah.

So mine comes up in here, like voicemail button. Greeting? Greeting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know this was a thing. Yeah, click that and then it will open another page and then you hit play. It might take a little minute.

Yours is like awful because it's you in the car and so when it goes to your- Why don't I just play it? No, actually, no, you go. Go on. So whenever I get your voicemail, it goes, Let's play it. Go on. So whenever I get your voicemail, it goes... Let's fight.

Hi, this is Ryan. I can't answer the phone because I'm driving and you never talk on your phone and drive at the same time. Please leave a message. The irony of you being in the car while you've been recording. Pulled over. Yeah. The road makes the same noise when you're pulled over.

I've heard that. It was other people driving past. Claire says, I have never opened the lid of a kettle in my life. Who's got the time? I just fill that fucker up straight back through the sprout. Is that normal? What's it called? Sprout.

Straight back through the sprout. Nope. I said What's it called? Spout. Straight back through the sprout. No, I said it again. And you said brack, I think. But so my kettle, personally, it's got like a filter. So if you did it through the spout, it wouldn't. Don't do that. Sorry. Sorry.

But if you did that, then it would. Put your hand down. Sorry. I can see. Yeah. Then it would be like on the wrong side of the filter. You know what I mean? It would tip back into your glass.

You're literally boiling it. But like, I think it's for like sediment, et cetera. Like, you know, if you get like a little bit of something. Which country do you live in? I don't know. Is that a thing? No. So I'm like holding my hands under my legs so that I don't do this again.

Did I do it? Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. But isn't that why you're hands under my legs so that I don't do this again. Sorry. But isn't that why you're not supposed to do that? I don't know. I always flick it up. But, I mean, people have different priorities, and that's okay. I'm with Claire.

Who's got the time? Oh, really? To open the top of the thing. How busy are you guys? You must be sending everyone a voicemail. I'm always on the phone. I had to travel to a highway to record that. Yeah, that's true.

So people calling past. Yeah. Hey, this is Savannah from South Korea, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champions from the Patreon. Wilson, thank you so much. Amber Robinson, Audrey Klehammer, Tamira Smith and Ashley Naylor. Thank you so much for being part of the Patreon. We fucking love to see it.

Love to fucking see it. Coming up tomorrow. someone has sent this in saying, how tarpers react and advise me will impact my marriage. And that's, I think, have I taken their name out of it? Yeah, I think I must have. Probably if it's impacting their marriage, I hope that you've left them anonymous. But it's basically like it comes down to whatever the tapas say,

I'm going to do. To be honest, I don't think that I want that power. You want that power. No, I don't think I do. The pressure. Oh, that's an interesting concept. You love the power. You don't want the pressure.

Yeah. I like the thought That people would trust me Like that But I don't want To be this final sign off Like Tony said to do this I don't like that So imagine if it's like

Even though I have come Into my power A little bit recently You have Yeah Tony's hot girl energy I do at the moment You know how

I think it's like An American thing Like in Australia People just get divorced But you know how Like in America It's like You have to like like legally cite a reason

and it's always like irreconcilable differences. I think that it's the same here. So can you write on the form like, because Tony said. Oh. Well, they'd be like, who's Tony? Like is she your marriage counselor? Like has this person given you official advice? Yeah.

Which I have. It's on a podcast, yeah. And not just anyone can start a podcast. So there's, like, some amount of power already. Yep. So that's tomorrow on the show. Oh, God. Now, though, what are we?

Shit's too hard. Dinner every day. Emails. Life is too hard Things have got too fancy Sometimes I just need something simple And it's just so hard Yep

Lay your grievances out for us Do you want to hold hands or something While you say this Are you okay Oh that's beautiful That's a beautiful warm hand from you Thank you It was just sitting in my lap's beautiful. That's a beautiful warm hand from you. Thank you. It was just sitting in my lap.

That's true. Oh. Yeah, that's why it's a bit clammy. I've got my eyes closed, but it sounds like you're doing a masturbation. Yeah, okay. I was pretending to jerk you off. Thought that would help the tension. It actually might.

Okay. Do you want me to continue jerking you off? How do I answer this? The three buttons. All I want in my life is... All I want for Christmas is you. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. And I.

It's the first week of August. Anyway. Life's got too hard. Yep. Exhibit A. Some wench I work with sings Christmas carols at me in August. Some girl from work. I've spent so many hours online searching during the last few weeks.

Yep. All I want, and I'm a man of simple tastes. Yep. I'm not like a flashy, fancy guy. No. All I want is black socks with no shit on them. You would have thought that's a pretty fucking simple request. Yeah.

I don't want little ankly ones that like get lost in my shoe. So you want a high black sock. But then some of them are like, oh, you want a knee high with a Nike tick? No, no, no. Just like a stock, not like a small ankle, but just like, you know a knee high with a nike tick no no no just like a stock not like a small ankle but just like just a you know yep mid-ikili and i don't want a nike tick yeah i don't want a fancy flashy design i just want black socks would you would you think that's an easy thing to find considering i'm not fussed about the brand or if it has to be shipped from wherever like i don't give a fuck yeah i just want plain black socks um that doesn't sound like it

should be difficult no it sounds like that's a pretty simple request and everything though oh this has got the fucking hikers edition insert with the blue strip that comes up your thing with it no no or it has the l and the R so you know what foot it is. Or every- Aren't all socks interchangeable? Who cares? Who gives a fuck? They're all the same.

What I don't like is that the Nike ones, they're like, obviously it's branding. I get it. Fucking whatever. Heaven forbid you wore something Nike and didn't have to fucking broadcast it. And no one knew. Yeah.

But on the socks, because of the like trying to be symmetrical, it's like the Nike ticks backwards. Backwards on the other side, I know. And it looks so fucking dumb. It looks so silly. And it's just like on the sock. I totally agree. And, you know, like your ankle bone kind of protrudes the sock

and then it warps the logo. And because, like, socks are, like, ribbed, it kind of, like, steps down on the logo. Yeah, it's not like a smooth thing. No, yeah. No, I totally agree. And so I'm getting all worked up on the laptop i've been to asos i've been to the iconic i've been to rebel sport i've

been to nike i've been to adidas i admit oh oh my i actually this is awful no no it is it is and no it is because i'm also not a brand person yeah and so because what happens is no one calls you out for theft of a plain black sock however during, during the live stream, do you remember, Tony, where I had my socks that had like two white stripes? And people just chucking stripes on shit? Yeah. No, I want black socks. So I put my socks on that have, they're black,

but they have two white stripes. Two white stripes around the top part. Is that like the iconic or it's a generic kind of whatever? It's just like a normal basketball sock, I think. Like tube sock, I think they call them in America or something. So I take the sock. But like it must be popular and cheap and easy because a lot of people have them. But then I took my socks off and went to put them back on.

And Tony goes, well, don't fucking steal my socks. Mine's the one with the stripes on them. Well, actually, Tony, all socks are the ones with the fucking stripes on them because they're all fucked. Do you want to fucking know why I thought they were my socks? Because I knew they had stripes on them. Because I was also trying to buy plain black fucking socks and you can only fucking get them with the fucking stripes on them. Thank you.

Because I went on to ASOS. Look, I'm wearing them right now. Oh, I'm not. I'm wearing fucking... I'm wearing the ankle socks that get lost. You'll never see them. They're the only ones that I could buy. Look at that.

Adidas on the end. Adidas on the end. Because you can't fucking buy them when they're not branded well and they're not any better thank you like they cost more money yep they cost like instead of costing three dollars they cost fucking 20 but they're not any better they still slip down they don't like there's no like engineering of and more expensive sock. It's not as if it's a better quality. They're all the fucking same.

I might as well be wearing a Kmart sock except they don't have anything plain. I want fucking socks with buttercups on them or fucking cupcakes or fairies or fucking whatever. Just give me a fucking plain white sock. Welcome. Mate, oh, you don't have to. Do you know what I fucking tried to do the other day? Yeah. So I don't know if anyone remembers. It was fucking basically it was important for about a second and now it don't have to. Do you know what I fucking tried to do the other day? Yeah. So I don't know if anyone remembers.

It was fucking basically it was important for about a second and now it doesn't fucking matter. The whole thing's been absolute head fuck. I had to buy a soccer ball the other week. I made a Tony and Ryan branded soccer ball. It looked sick. For us to use for about three seconds and then everyone went, oh, that was great and then fucking no one cared about it anymore.

It was about six months worth of fucking planning, making this fucking soccer ball, right? All I wanted was a plain black and white soccer ball, like a soccer ball. I thought that's the generic default soccer ball. Default soccer ball, exactly. It looks exactly like the emoji. It's like the black and white hexagon. And so then you can put the Tony and Ryan logo on the white bits. Default soccer ball. Exactly. It looks exactly like the emoji. It's like the black and white hexagon. Yeah.

And so then you can put the Tony and Ryan logo on the white bits. On the white bits. Thank you. Apparently the fuck not. Do you want a fucking zing zang fucking sport ball? Do you want a fucking slasinger fucking pink soccer ball? Do you want a fucking soccer ball that looks like a basketball? Do you want a fucking soccer ball that looks like a basketball? Do you want a volleyball?

You cannot buy a black and white soccer ball that just has, like, the standard shapes on it. I found one that had stars all over it. Stars? What the fuck are they doing? Mate, we aren't fancy, but we're cheap, and that's all I fucking needed. I just needed a plain black and white fucking soccer ball to go with my plain black and white fucking socks. Thank you. And it was impossible. Just needed a plain black and white fucking soccer ball to go with my plain black and white fucking socks.

Thank you. And it was impossible. I ended up having to buy a yellow soccer ball. Yellow? Yeah, and all of the like. Is it a water polo? Mate. Mate. And then I actually, because it was the wrong colour, I actually had to go up to someone and say, is this a soccer ball?

And they went, I don't know. I went, well, fucking hell. If you don't know, then who fucking – it's all the same shape. They've just got the different shape things on them. Could you imagine the World Cup final in a few weeks, someone just rolls out with one of those dimple balls? Yep, and they just go, oh, we've only got a volleyball

in the back of the car. The guy hasn't brought that big net full of balls down. We've got a volleyball in the car from playing last week. Should we just use that? And they go, okay, it's a size 5. Who fucking cares? Looks round. Let's go.

Yeah, how different could they be? And it was the most fucking frustrating thing of my life. I was like, I should be able to just walk into any shop and buy that. You should be able to get them from Coles. Yeah. I should be able to go to my local fruit and veg grocer and they sell a soccer ball. That is how stock standard this fucking thing is.

They've got the fancy cheese. They've got the really expensive mushrooms. Then they've got a section for plain socks and soccer balls. Then I'll be happy. That's all I want. That's all I want. People have sinful taste. I'm a simple girl. That's all I want. That's all I want. We're people of simple taste. I'm a simple girl.

That's all I need. Fuck. No, so I feel you on that. Life's too hard, mate. Fuck. I'm glad you're with me, though. Oh, mate, I'm always with you. Can people let us?

You can trust me to get fired up about something. Can someone let us know in the episode thread, what should also be really fucking simple that you've really struggled to get? Because we know that there's more out there. Is it the price of his chimney? No. No, don't.

I shouldn't have brought that up. I have a bit of joy to end this on. Same, actually. My love to see it. Mine's joy for me, though. Oh, okay. Well, I'll share the joy for Heather first. Heather adopted a pug. Oh, okay. Well, I'll share the joy for Heather first. Heather adopted a pug.

Yes, Heather. This is Bella. Hey, little Bella. I'm so happy for her to join my family. She's five months old. We've named her Bella and we love to see it. Look at how happy Bella is. What a little sweetheart.

The tongue's wagging. She's having a great time. Yeah, and she's going into a beautiful, loving family. I love a pug as well. They're fucking so cute. Yeah, they she's going into a beautiful, loving family. I love a pug as well. They're fucking so cute. Yeah, they're cute as fuck. Congratulations, Bella and... Heather.

Bella's mum, Heather. Heather. Fucking love to see that. Love to see that. This is controversial. Can my you love to see it be a I can't wait to see it? No, it can. Sorry, yes.

Yes, it can. Okay, great. Yesterday in the Tony and Ryan office Tony Lodge claimed Gymnastics is easy, I reckon I could do a cartwheel I don't think that that's what I said Did you say you could do a cartwheel? No, I said that I'd always wanted to do a cartwheel Oh, I think there was a bit more energy in it.

I think there was a bit of attitude. Was there? Yeah. I know I've said some crazy things, but I don't know if I said that. I don't know when it's going to happen. But you'll love it. No, in the next few weeks, we'll see it. And I can't wait.

Okay. All right, well, I better strap my wrist and find another fucking ball. Sport girl. All right. Well, I better strap my wrist and find another fucking ball. Sport girl. Sport girl. I actually have something quickly just here from Cor. That's her name. Cor. Yeah, I'll leave her last name out because when I say she just escaped from a cult,

you understand why I might leave the last name out. But Cor says, I just escaped from a cult. I used to have to listen to the podcast in secret because the cult deemed Tony and Ryan unholy. But now I'm listening loud and proud. I can now love who I want

and be who I want without feeling guilty. Cor, you fucking love to see that. I love it too. Huh? What did you say? Love love to see that. I love it too. Huh? What did you say?

Love it to the core. Nice. Thank you. That is, I'm so glad that you're free. That's crazy. I wouldn't have assumed the You Love To See It segment was the area for like Escape To Cult. I feel like I've got a follow-up. But they just said, I've escaped to cult, love in the pod.

Yeah. Great. Fucking awesome. I'm glad that we could give you maybe the push that you needed. Tony's rattled. It sounds like because Cor was listening in secret, now Cor's fucking listening loud and proud. We fucking helped, I reckon.

Do you reckon? I'll take that. Could we categorize it under start the fucking blog and her blog. Leave the fucking cult. I've always said that. I've always said that. I've always said that. You could honestly. No, but it's like, I've started this business on Etsy.

I've started this graphic design thing. I've started planning to escape the cult. Yeah, and I did it. Prison break. Start the fucking blog. Yeah. Leave the fucking cult. We're all so excited.

Producer Cam sneezing. My God. We're all so excited. Producer Cam sneezing. My god. We'll be back tomorrow. Escape the fucking cult. See you tomorrow. Love you, bye.