Toni and Ryan - JCE (James Corden Energy)

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

There's no GOOD way to have JCE - ya know? Love ya xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. I'm the glamorous Dr. Tony Lodge. I don't know what's happening on that side of the table, but I don't hate it. Thank you. You'll feel it on your side in a minute. Don't know what that means. Yeah, no.

I don't know what that means, and that's okay. That's okay to say. We're calling Toronto. Toronto. Did I say it right? It was close. We're calling Kendra, and she works not in God's country of the motherland because that's obviously Western Australia and New Zealand but

we might need a name for where she works because it's like it's up there in being beautiful. Let's give her a buzz. Have I been to this place? I don't. We've talked about it. If you haven't you want to. You've said openly that you want to. You're an arsehole. Hello. Hi Kendra. Hello? Hi, Kendra.

Kendra. Hi, Kendra. It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Oh, my God. This is so awesome. I'm great. How are you guys?

Quick one, Kendra. Okay. Ida said you work in one of the great places on this earth. Where do you work? I work at Costco. Oh, that work? I work at Costco. Oh, that is... I work at Costco. We do need to come up with a nickname for that.

No, I haven't been to Costco. Yeah. What's it like, Kendra? Crazy, but you know what? I love it. Great people to work with. Great customers that come shopping. Legends.

This is not sponsored, by the way. Just so everybody knows we're not getting into Costco. Support for this podcast was provided by Costco. Use the code Tony and Ryan on your membership. No, no. Kendra, thanks for being an absolute legend. Will you approve today's episode? How the fuck could I not?

Absolutely. Hey, it's Kendra from Toronto and I approve this podcast. Coming up today. Yes. It's not really a who's the fuckhead, I just think this guy's a fuckhead. Oh, James Corden. It's got James Corden energy.

You know there's that famous story about James Corden catching a flight with his wife and kid. We've talked about this on the pod because you told me I had never heard it before. Very similar energy. And I know you just randomly said that, but like very similar energy. And Bridget, Bridget is presenting this one. She said, I think this guy is one of the great fuckheads and I reckon the tapas will agree.

Oh. Because she witnessed it and then she told me. Love it when Bridge gets on board. Yeah, but she wasn't just on board. She was fired up. Good. She goes, can you believe this? And I went, actually, no.

Actually, no. She's lying. It didn't happen at all. Or she did it and she wanted to test the vibe. Yeah. If some random person. Let's say someone, a Kiwi with a baby. Yeah, it was like, yeah.

So we'll get to that soon. But first it's Tuesday, which means these are top confessions. Tarp confessions, Tony and Ryan podcast confessions. Someone the other day posted about a top confession. These are tarp confessions. Well, we've had tarp confessions about tops. Yeah, or top tarp confessions, really good ones. Yep.

Yep. This one's not. It's just a regular one. Oh, great. But you can submit them, tonyandryan.com.au. Very anonymous. Confession from a primary school teacher. Oh.

I was having stomach cramps while teaching, but I couldn't leave the classroom. So I went into the corner of the room to, like, slip a little fart to see if I could relieve some tension. It didn't. It's never just a fart. If you have to think about it, it isn't just a fart. It was a hot, silent fart that smelled like garbage,

and that's when I realised I needed the toilet immediately. So she didn't shit herself? No. Oh, which is where I thought it was going. Too obvious. Well, she was bloated and she's like, maybe if I just ease the tension a little bit. And then she was like, oh, no. We're on here.

I asked the teacher from across the hall to keep an eye on my class. I said, oh, I'm feeling really sick. I need to go to the toilet. And she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. my class, I said, oh, I'm feeling really sick. I need to go to the toilet. And she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I returned to the class and was hit with the smell of my lingering fart and the whole class of children.

Imagine primary school children going, oh, no. They're all holding their nose. The other teacher who had been helping me out and keeping an eye on things, she pointed to two boys who were sitting near where I did the fart and went, it was those two disgusting smelly boys over there. I mean, that's nasty. Everyone farts.

It's not very polite, I guess, but everybody farts. And then the teacher said to me, no wonder you're not feeling well with those boys doing those smelly things. Oh. And I went, yeah, probably. Oh. As someone with childhood embarrassment trauma, those little boys might grow up forever being like,

never stop thinking about that. That might be a fucking cool memory. Yeah. So in that moment where the other teacher goes, I think it was those smelly boys. would you, Tony Lodge, go, actually, that was me in front of a room of children who would be giggling and cackling for days about Mrs Smelly Pants. That's very cute and funny.

I don't know if I would necessarily claim it myself, but I would go, oh, no, that was my lunch. I spilled it over there and, like, that's just, you know, I would make something up. What were you eating for lunch? Arse? Yeah, no, mate, I eat arse. I do butt stuff.

I'm with the time frame. I'm with it. Yeah, I get it. Inns for 2023. Arse. I think I would make, I'd be like, oh, no. Like, everybody, I would try and I wouldn't want to blame it on anyone, but I definitely wouldn't want to be Mrs. Smelly Pants.

So I don't know if I would do that. What would you do? Yeah, fuck those kids. No, I don't. Because you don't want the little boys to get in trouble but maybe they're real little assholes yeah um this is a strange thing that bridget really respected uh but one time at like we had a few people over and and bj the dog did a little fart and someone goes what did your dog fart and i felt really embarrassed for bron and so i said no it

was me and bridget goes i don't why, but that was just like really sweet because you didn't want the dog to get the blame. Yeah, and because people are always like, oh, is that your dog? I'm like, no, blame me. No, fuck you. Also, my dog lives at my house. Yeah, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. You can leave.

Yeah. Tell it walking, sweetheart. Yeah. God, I'll come over to your perfect dog fart free house. Sorry, you didn't know that your house was perfect. Did your dog never fart? In other news, Bron sneezed and farted at the same time the other day and scared the shit out of himself and then did all the spin.

Or, you know, when dogs are asleep and then they're like, they fart all the time. Wakes them up. Yeah. Idiots. People are like, because she's so tiny. She's like sleeping on me like this, like a baby. And all of a sudden, all I heard was.

That was all I heard. And it stank. I bet. It was so bad. But it was just. And it was just her tiny little bum doing a tiny little fart and he went oh that's so cute oh that's so cute she woke up and she went what's wrong mom stop making noises sorry yes that was me bathtub stoner has a confession my favorite thing to do on a sunday

afternoon at my boyfriend's house is smoke some wacky tobacco, then play with his dog in the backyard before having a relaxing bath. The devil's lettuce. Yep. Doesn't that sound like a beautiful day out? It actually does. Especially because your boyfriend's got a bath. Poke a hole in that condom.

Wack it down. Yeah. This one day I had a little bit too much of the tobacco, ran the bath, then went to play with the dog while it filled up. But I ended up playing with him for so long that the bath overflowed, flooded the bathroom, most of the whole upstairs floor, and the water started flowing down the stairs. How long?

Well, time just flies when you're just floating around having a good time with the dog in the backyard. I imagine it does. I've heard that online. Yeah. having a good time with the dog in the backyard. I imagine it does. I've heard that online, yeah.

The house is permanently damaged with internal structural damage. Because the water. Yeah, fucked it up. And my boyfriend and his family still don't know it was me or the wacky tobacco. Oh, it's like a family house. Yeah. I was thinking it's like a rental with like a few boys or something. I got the vibe that maybe the parents owned it

and they were like renting from the family or kind of like that. Or maybe just lived at home still. And then they're like, oh, yeah, we're going to have to do all this work. It's going to cost a fortune. There's all this structural damage. And she's like, what? That's crazy shit, man. That's actually exactly what she sounded like.

Yeah, that's a direct quote. I wonder, though, is it better to be like, I smoked weed and this happened, rather than have someone think you were that fucking careless? Yeah. Surely that would be better and just be like, oh, I'd never done it before and I didn't know what to expect and, like, I'm really sorry. I think you'd look the parents dead in the eye and go, it was those smelly boys from the school.

The dog did it. It was the dog that I was going to play with, but then it farted. This poor innocent kid has been blamed for farts, burning down houses, flooding bathrooms. The dog did such a big fart that it put the tap on. It blew the tap on. I don't think they even knew it had to do with the bath because she'd cleaned up the water, but the water had seeped in.

Where would they have thought that the water came from? That it was just like a leak or something? No, but it like seeped in and like so the wood starts rotting. So it wasn't like an immediate. Oh, so it wasn't like it happened yesterday and today they're like, oh, my God. So over time they're like. Oh, okay.

There's damp. There's damp and it's rotting and she goes, fucking what? Terrible news. No, don't say anything. So I thought it was like it happened yesterday and today there's a problem. No, don't say anything. Definitely don't mention the drugs. No.

Or the dogs fart. Your insurance company is not going to appreciate drugs or dogs farting. That's fucking. But. I mean, if the damage is already done, what difference does it make who it was? Ignorance is bliss. You know, like I don't think.

Point the finger, who cares? There's no point like rehashing this old thing. I think if like all is said and done and it's fine and insurance is going to cover it and whatever, I don't think you have to say anything. Yeah, I agree. I agree. All right, up next I said this guy is like the biggest fuckhead ever.

Does it make it worse that it was a fuckhead in business class? It always does. That's up next. Hey, it's Kendra from Toronto, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Tammy Mayen. Thank you so much, Tammy. Heidi Maney. Doing manies in Mum's Pulsar.

Mini Marnie Marnie Mo. Michelle Hannan-Brown. Good on you, MHB. Thank you. Sharon Bosworth, our mate Sh Good on you, MHB. Thank you. Sharon Bosworth, our mate Shaz. Thanks, Boz. And Justin Gallagher. Justin.

Good on you guys. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. You're absolutely love to see it. Friday is our final episode of the year, our Christmas episode. Yeah, Secret Santa. We will be doing Secret Santa. And those in Patreon will know that making its annual return is the one-off segment of Tony's Fucked Fact.

Yep. Santa's Sack of Fucked Facts. Yep. That's coming up. Yep. Thursday, we're going to revisit our ins and outs for 2023 that we did on the first episode of the year this year. Yes.

And see, like, not what came. Where are we at? Yeah, where are we at? Where are we at? Yep. And you made some predictions and some statements that were interesting i say a lot of stuff yep yep okay um so actually speaking of what we were doing this year i feel like it probably hasn't defined our year but this year we've become points guys we have become points guys we're using points we're trying to get free stuff we're becoming savvier well we had to um fly a lot for work yeah and we were like we've got to become like brand loyal so that we can get something out of it because if

you're doing it you might as well like do it all in one place yeah so we know that you get something with Qantas because that's where we'll fly into America with yep so Bridget used all the points that I've accrued during the year so when she came to America with Mabel she used them to upgrade to business class oh nice and they kind of deal where she's like I'm with a baby I'm by myself can I use the points it's and I went you know what considering you're going to do a long haul flight with a baby that I'm by myself. Can I use the points? And I went, you know what? Considering you're going to do a long haul fight with a baby. By herself, yeah. That's what points are for. Yeah, 100%.

Yeah, I agree. Don't save them for a KitchenAid. Yeah. Trade them in for a toaster. Fuck no. Yeah, fuck that. Yeah. Upgrade, get some space.

Nah, I respect that. All good. So some guy says hi. Sorry. Yeah. It's a long, like, what was it? 16 hours or something. Yeah, 14 maybe, something like that. All good. So some guy says hi. Sorry. It's a long, like, what was it? 16 hours or something. Yeah, 14 maybe, something like that. Fuck.

Yeah, with the baby by yourself. Because you can't just pass them over and while you grab something out of the bat. Like coming home. And because like when you like your little food tray and stuff, you can't like hold it back. Like all those things. Yeah, you just don't even think about it. So I said, how's business class? Like there's wine and nice food and Bridget's like, I barely had a chance to eat or drink because you're hands full.

I was busy. I was working. I was on the clock. We came home, obviously not business class, but there was two of us and that was still like busy, hard work, passing her back and forth while we like, oh, you grab her and I'll grab the spare nappy. And I'm like, the thought of doing it by yourself is crazy.

So some guy says hi to her and he's flying solo in business class. Yeah. So they're walking on. He goes, oh, good day. How are you doing? A mile high, I think. Is that what he's thinking? Oh, sorry.

That's my wife. Yeah, but like two single travellers. With my daughter. What happens in the sky? No postcode? Yeah. International waters. Yeah.

And he said something about like, oh, you know, the big seats in the business. Oh, you know, it's going to be better with the baby with the big seat. Oh, yeah. And Bridget goes, yep, oh, you know, the big seats in the business or, you know, it's going to be better with the baby with the big seat. Oh, yeah. And Bridget goes, yep, been saving the points all year. And the guy kind of nods and goes, yeah, cool, cool, cool. That's nice. Yeah.

So during the flight, this pregnant lady, like, you know how they have like in business, they have like the little curtain, like the. Oh, to separate. Yeah, because heaven forbid the rich people would see the regular people in cattle class. I've been sitting at the front of economy before. Yeah.

And you know when you're at the front of economy, which is the- I liked sitting right down the back. It was because I got bumped off a flight and it was like the last seat available. And I was closer to the toilet. Yeah. Have you guys ever seen this happen or had this happen to you yeah and i went oh like i'm close like is it okay and think maybe they were doing

food so the trolley's in the thing and i'm like hey can i just and they go no business class passengers pass this point only and i was like i just need to do a wee i'm gonna be about 30 seconds i can't get up there like and they and they just, no, it's strict. It's strict. And they pull the curtain across your face and very bridesmaids. I don't know if this breaks the rules, but this lady comes up from behind the curtain and she's got like a four-year-old with her

and she's like pretty pregnant. And she comes through the curtain. Into business class. Into business class. Into business class. Yeah. And starts talking to the guy that Bridget was talking to. Oh. Mm.

And Bridget works out that's his wife and his kid. And his soon-to-be kid with the pregnant tummy. So they chatted for five minutes or so. And I was, oh, how's it all going up here? You guys all good? Yeah, cool. Then they head back down through the curtain, back to their seats, back in the cheap end. And Bridget smiles, because obviously,

oh, it's your wife, kind of goes, oh, yeah. Just like that kind of smile. And the guy leans over to Bridge, or like kind of goes to say something, and he goes, yeah, I'm the only one in my family with points. Like, I don't know if he's like business dad traveling for work so he's been accruing points through the year. And I'm like, and Bridget was, I think we're all thinking the same thing.

That lady is pregnant with your child and looking after your four-year-old. And Bridget's like, I can't believe this. And then the guy goes, yeah, but I travel. So I'm the one with the points. Puts his noise-canceling headphones on. Reclines. He's fully laid down bed and just has a nap while she, the pregnant lady, is taking care of the kid down in the cheap seats on a 14-hour flight.

Now, Bridget said, can you ask the typers if he is one of the great fuckheads on this planet? And I said, I would be an honour to ask. I just don't know. I like to stay pretty Switzerland during these kind of conversations, but it's hard to, isn't it, in this situation? Especially because even the division of labour, you go, look, we've only got one kid.

One of us, if only we can only upgrade one of us, and one of us wants to have a lovely flight. Maybe she's flying business on the way but we don't know whatever but she's looking after two kids yeah she's pregnant and got the other one so she and her pregnant little tummy should have gotten the business class seat and he's down there with the four-year-old surely hey babe you're pregnant you're carrying my child why don't you as if your feet aren't swollen enough right like they get more swollen on the plane like why don't you sit up the front and lean back and just try and you know do what you can to get to the destination maybe they were doing one way each i don't know i'm just trying to think of fuck but also just the smugness of

saying that like if he was like yeah fuck those peasants that don't have points i'm like well you four-year-old's not traveling for work bud she's not getting frequent flyers on her way to kindergarten it's just or just don't use them that trip and sit down the back and help it's the smugness of saying to bridget like they don't have points like imagine if they'd gone back down, like, their wife had gone back down the other end or whatever, and then he, like, looked at Bridget because Bridget was obviously like, what the fuck?

She was horrified. Yeah. And then so imagine if he went, oh, we said we'd do one way each, and you go, oh, well, then enjoy your one way. Like, she's getting on the way. Nah, he was bragging. No, and that's what makes it worse is that he has this attitude, right? That's the.

So our flight home was like empty-ish. Like we could tell at the gate that it wasn't busy. And Bridge goes, is this the time when you just like walk up to the counter and go, hey. Any chance. Any chance. That's never happened to me. Like I've never gotten that.

But I think by the time you're through the gate, I think it's probably too late because they have to assign you and do all did it happen more back in the day when you checked in with a person at the counter yeah i think so and if you were really nice to them or they could tell you on your honeymoon or whatever they would go we've got a couple of business class seats like so what happens now like how do people get up because it's a weight thing, right? Yeah, but also bidding like with points and they'll try or they'll try and sell it for cheap.

They go, oh, if we can't sell a full business price, maybe we can get a couple of extra hundred bucks. And so we were sort of saying this to Bridget and then we kind of had this chat of like, what if there's only one seat for an upgrade? Yeah. And I said, because I've already heard this story from the flight over,

Lord knows I ain't going to be accused of that. I don't want to be that guy. Yeah. So I was like, yeah, you take the comfy seat and it'll be all good. And then Bridget goes, now that I think about it, the two of us together in the regular seats is still going to be way easier than us being split up. Well, because then, yeah, like you can't enjoy it because you're like, oh, either Mabel's down the back with Ryan or Mabel's up the front

with Bridget and she's like, well, I'm in business. What's the point in being, you know? Yeah, so we went, not that we were going to get it anyway, but we're like, it's actually of no benefit to us because being together means we can share the load. Yeah. And then she was like, yeah, not like that arsehole on the way over. Yeah, it's the smugness of being like, oh, yeah, you know,

like, well, I don't have points. What a jerk. Right? Oh. Imagine if Bridget's like, yeah, my husband's down the back as well. I've got to love to see it here. Yeah. Just to bring us back up

From that awfulness Now this ends well Good Desiree Hi Desiree Her little bubba Was born premature Earlier this year

Oh Des And had to spend a fair bit of time In the NICU But is now home Which is actually First love to see How good is this? Oh great

And just like his NICU schedule Wakes every three hours For a feed Yep But Desiree messages through to Tony and Ryan and said, last night, both my baby and I slept for five hours straight. And don't you just fucking love to see that? Oh, fuck.

Five straight hours. That's a good block. I remember the first time Mabel slept for five hours. I woke up and was like, hey, Bridge, did you get up with her at two? And she goes, nah, did you? And I went, nah. And we went, what time is it now? And then me and Bridge looked at each other and went, fuck yeah.

And she woke up. Yeah. But Desiree, when you haven't slept for five hours in a while, it feels like you've spent a week on a cloud. You're a woman. Yeah. After that, yeah. You feel like you've spent a week on a cloud woman yeah after that yeah you feel like you've ditched your wife and kid in the back and slept in business class on a cloud um but i'm glad that you guys are doing well and uh appreciating the little wins yeah i hope that bub's doing well that's awesome um tria sent this through um on patreon and said

um just found out that my husband follows you on YouTube but doesn't listen to the podcast. But I listened to the podcast and didn't know that you had a YouTube channel. Come on over, guys. We spent the night together, like, swapping stories and watching the YouTube and I was showing bits of the podcast and stuff. They are different, yeah. Yeah, they are.

And Tria says, and it was so great and my husband laughed so hard that he farted. Yeah. You love to see it. You do love to see that. And Tria says, and it was so great and my husband laughed so hard that he farted. Yeah. You love to see it. I do love to see that. But, yeah, so they were like swapping stories that neither of them had seen or heard because it's like different stuff on YouTube, different stuff on the podcast.

And if you're the same as the wife, you're listening to the show right now and you don't, come on over to YouTube. Yeah, we've got lots of stuff on there actually. It's good. Lots of reaction videos, lots of food challenges, Tony's still calling Australia home. Yeah, we've got lots of stuff on there actually. It's good. Lots of reaction videos, lots of food challenges, Tony's still calling Australia home. Yeah. But yeah, so a bit of fun though.

But yeah, they laugh so hard that you farted. We've all been there and it makes me pissed. I feel like being there now. Oh, okay. Well, we better wrap this up. Yeah, we'll wrap this up. All right, have a great day everyone. We'll chat to you tomorrow.

Love you. Bye.