Toni and Ryan - Juiciest Confessions of 2025

Episode Date: December 28, 2025

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Starting point is 00:00:00 These are top confessions. This is a confession from a tap-up. Here we go. Police called, CEO notified. Oh no. Confessions is off. I can't do that. That's f***.
Starting point is 00:00:10 I once dripped snot into a seventh grader's eye and then lied to his face about it. I was subbing for a middle school class, feeling a bit sniffly in the morning, but by the afternoon, my face had turned into a leaking faucet. When you're a substitute teacher, every class has that annoying kid. So I leaned in to kind of like Tell him what I can go. Get it together. But when I leaned in, a watery drop of snot
Starting point is 00:00:36 plopped out of my nose and landed in his eye. That's smooth like a smoke in here. He screamed like a full body horror movie scream bolted from the room. And what did I do? I lied to his face.
Starting point is 00:00:50 Gaslit him. Must have been the condensation from the aircon or something. It was conundation. I never went back to that school because once you baptize a kid with your book, There's just no recovering.
Starting point is 00:01:01 When I was young, innocent, 14-year-old girl, I babysat for a couple. And while their children were asleep, I went onto their computer and searched for scandaly-clad pictures of the pussycat dolls. Turns out, a few days later, the wife finds out that someone had been searching for the pussycat doll picks and accused the husband. Twelve months later, the divorce has been finalized. When my boyfriend is about to finish. He says, whoopsie do, here comes my goo.
Starting point is 00:01:34 And he says it every single time. Okay. I, for science purposes, I'm going to need you to read that again. But as though... No, you... Yeah. Okay, I won't act it out, but what I will do is walk down the stairs and walk back up and then say it because I'll be puffed what if you instead of doing
Starting point is 00:02:04 up and down the stairs what if you do five star jumps and then you do it because I you know I think that's fun okay ready one two three four keep going I reckon go to 10 six seven we just do fit eight nine 10 go to 15 11 12 13 14 do a burpee My boopsie do, here comes my goo. For science. My boyfriend clips his nails and eats them. I am fully supportive. And now when I clip my fingers or toes, I leave the clipping.
Starting point is 00:02:54 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. as an offering to him to consume. No. What you've just said is worse than I think we need to beep everything you just said because that is the most fucking foul fucking thing I've ever fucking heard in my fucking life.
Starting point is 00:03:18 I actually, I'm closing my laptop. I'm fucking out. That's fucked. And I'm disgusting. You are disgusting. I'm disgusting. You've done so. Gross shit.
Starting point is 00:03:29 I know. I know. But that's fucked up. That's, you know what? I'm actually offended by that. That is, that's too far. Do you remember? We finally found the line.
Starting point is 00:03:42 We're well past the line. Do you remember when you were Tony Karen Lodge for a day? Oh, and I caroned up about like the stuff in, there was like a service station that did something to someone and I fucking went hard. This is just the, should I keep reading? what I will say is that you know when you like you break a nail or or something and you have to like get the little like beat that if it's like getting caught on on your clothes or whatever and you've got to kind of like mm-mm or whatever I'll like
Starting point is 00:04:17 I'm not saying that you I would never bite my nails I don't bite them for like as a habit but I would do that but I wouldn't then swallow it. I certainly would not swallow a toenail. That is crazy. What about someone else's? And I certainly, not only would I not swallow someone else's. And I,
Starting point is 00:04:44 and there's not a lot I won't swallow. She's on the record as a swallow. I am. I am and wouldn't you know about Big Boy? I would. Yeah. Didn't. Oh, don't be cute.
Starting point is 00:04:58 I'm in front of your friends. I know, everyone's watching. Not only am I a swallower. And a disgusting bitch. And a disgusting slut. Not only would I not swallow my own toenails or somebody else's. I would not let someone swallow mine. Our confessor says, I'm sorry, Tony.
Starting point is 00:05:18 I can hear her gagging as I type this. Luckily, I didn't have a bad reaction. sometimes if he wants some he'll offer me the clippers as like a hint god do you need to clip the nail sweetie there you go and she said it makes me feel better about my gross thing that he supports me because we support each other that's sweet I like to eat my own pimples. But only the waxy ones. I'm not a gross bitch.
Starting point is 00:06:07 Oh, no, I don't know about that. Cance all the hash browns. What do you mean? We have never, we have never told another soul. Oh, oh, I would have left it like that. Confessions is off. I can't do that. That's fucked.
Starting point is 00:06:25 When Torbs met Tony, his opening pick-up line was... Have you ever come so hard you shit yourself? I am a Tapa and I have a confession. I have. Come so hard you shit yourself. I've come close. In this house? Not in this house, nah.
Starting point is 00:06:46 Back in uni. Sorry, did you hear that? Lily goes... Oh. Back in uni, I dated a girl who lived with her very wealthy family on, you know those like estates that back onto a golf course? Oh my God. After church, she and I went for a swim where things got a little bit handsy in the water.
Starting point is 00:07:10 Hot. We decided to be risky and do the hanky-panky on the secluded eighth hole of the golf course. Oh, I'm showing my eighth. Because the golf course is closed on Sundays for church. Like, it's, you know, they don't. Now, I'm just going to read this next sentence. This is no editorial on my part. I'm just reading the confession from the tarpa.
Starting point is 00:07:30 Okay. I was in the classic missionary position giving her a grade A weinering. Weinering. As I was about to come, it released and it released. Oh, he shit himself. Yeah. Yeah. I have you ever shit on a golf course
Starting point is 00:07:54 Like fully shot out the back Like because he was like Just because the whole body's just like Totally And of it went yep Have that has that ever happened to you Have I ever come so hard I shit myself You want to?
Starting point is 00:08:12 I'm a wedding photographer And in the background of one of the photos I took I busted someone cheating For those of you playing along at home Listening, Tony's eyes just rolled to the back of her head And there's not a penis inside of her That is so juicy The best man was kissing someone who was not his wife
Starting point is 00:08:38 His wife was sitting with the bride in another area And he was having a cheeky snog behind this room divider where they thought they couldn't be seen. Oh my God. The tricky part for me is it's a great picture of two family members. Oh, the aunties get together, I'll get a little snap. And it's a great pick. But in the corner, is this guy kissing someone who's not his wife?
Starting point is 00:09:02 Do I Photoshop out the cheating scandal? Do I deliver them as is? Or do I delete the picture? And unfortunately, we don't get the beautiful picture of the aunties. my job is like my job is to take photos and send them through and give them to the people that's my job yep uh i know my answer immediately it is not really my job to make ethical and moral decisions on behalf of sneaky family members yeah yeah so this is where my mind when yeah is that that's just in the group of photos like in the in the folder you give that to them
Starting point is 00:09:41 and that's up to them to either notice, not notice, action, like, whatever. So when the Harper says, my job is just to take the photos and send them through. And I think it, because I think, catch that scumbag. Like, I don't, I don't think Photoshop it out because they're like, so the best man's cheating on his wife, right? The wife finding out, I hope that that like splits them up and changes the trajectory of her life. The only thing worse than pissing yourself when you're drunk is pissing yourself twice. This is the confession of a gas lighter. I was seeing a guy, but not anymore, for reasons that will soon become apparent.
Starting point is 00:10:22 He was out with the boys. I was 16 hours deep into a bottomless brunch bender that ended at revs. And I somehow still got the come over text. Hang on. Who'd been drinking, the person who texted? They'd both been at, they'd both had a big day. Oh, right. So she'd been out with the girls doing the,
Starting point is 00:10:40 the bottomless brunch that it just kept going and going and going. He'd been out with the boys and then he's got home. It was like, Hey, baby, you want to come around? Yeah. So at 3 a.m. blind drunk, I snuck into his parents' house like a feral raccoon and jumped into his bed.
Starting point is 00:10:55 We get it done. I fall asleep. And then I wake up. And because of the 72 mimoses, I really needed to piss. Yeah. So I stumble around, seeing triple.
Starting point is 00:11:08 And somehow I end up unleashing the Niagara Falls of Piss but instead of being in his bathroom I was actually sitting on a bedside table that he made for his year 10 wood project so she just like walked a few laps
Starting point is 00:11:23 to the bedroom and just sat on the bedside table and just pissed I wipe I panic Wipe with what his year 12 fucking report card I wipe I panic I do a clean up job that honestly
Starting point is 00:11:37 deserves an award and sneak back into bed like nothing ever happened. So you think. At 3 a.m. That's what you reckon. Oh. I go back to sleep and I wake up and the sheets are soaked. I've pissed myself again.
Starting point is 00:11:56 In the bed didn't even wake up. Fucking hell. Still wasted. I got actually got a pretty good idea. So she grabs a pump water bottle from the floor like, sort of loosens the lid and just puts the emptyish bottle in the bed between them. Yes. Yep.
Starting point is 00:12:16 That is pretty clever, actually. And then she just falls back asleep in her filth and just sort of forgets about it. Yeah. And then he wakes up and goes, have you pissed yourself? And she goes, oh no, this water bottle. Had stinky piss in it. He bought it. But wouldn't it smell?
Starting point is 00:12:42 Like real bad. Especially if you'd been out on the wines all day. And the bedside table. Oh, yeah. To this day, he still has no idea and we've never spoken since. I think in that situation, you know what I would do? I'd wake up first and be like, oh, did you have an accident? Roll him into it.
Starting point is 00:13:08 Well, I'd just be like, oh, I think you pissed yourself. You're outlining, out gaslighting your gaslighter. I think that I, I think I would. Yeah. Because I would just be, he'd be so embarrassed. Oh, I'd just go. If I pissed on someone's bedside table, I would just go. But wasn't the bedside table full of weight?
Starting point is 00:13:29 Yeah. Like, I don't know how he's designed it. Oh, yeah, true. I don't know. It was a high school project, so. My husband and I want to go traveling later this year. but it's really expensive. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:13:41 We've decided to sell picks of my feet on OnlyFans. Love it. I'm doing okay, I guess, says Anonymous. But after seeing someone sell their fart in a jar for $700 on the dark web, I think I need to up my game. I fucking rate it. Like, I actually don't think it's that weird. Lena said, I had this conversation with my husband last night.
Starting point is 00:14:02 Can I just say I love that all the husbands are getting on board? Absolutely. They're like, I'll take the photos for you. I'll hold the ring light. Love it. Is selling farts in a jar not the best way to make money? Would the farts stay in the jar, though? Wouldn't it?
Starting point is 00:14:16 Like, the smell wouldn't still be there? Lena said, why do farts have to be sold on the dark web? Everyone farts. Can't we just do it freely? But then it wouldn't be worth what it's worth. And then there's a comedian in the replies. Ryan, John, obviously. No, it was can.
Starting point is 00:14:31 He says, I can't sell farts on the open market because you can't sell weapons of mass destruction. My brother accidentally My brother accidentally put the thromomata in my dog's art From my that we use on the dog I was living at home And my dog got really sick And the vet told me to monitor his temperature Yep
Starting point is 00:14:55 So I'm misgendering the dog So I bought a cheap It was in the dog's vagina Anyway So I bought a cheap thromometer And check to attempt the old-fashioned back door way. Then one day I get home and the thermometer that I normally leave in the laundry and is normally reserved for the dog's asshole is out on the kitchen bench and I say to my
Starting point is 00:15:19 brother, why is that out? And he goes, oh, mum thought she might have had COVID. I couldn't find a rat test but I found this in the laundry so I popped it in a mouth to check the temperature. I have got something to say. Sure. I would never put anything from the laundry in my mouth. That's not true. I've seen you at that laundromat in Richmond. I was staying in a fancy hotel. Nice. And I was in the very fancy bathtub,
Starting point is 00:15:48 feeling very fancy and sexy. And I decided to put the fancy shampoo bottle inside me and I got stuck. You know when someone's telling you a story and you like picture it, but often you picture it from like an example of your own life. Immediately, I picture myself in the Sydney QT. Yeah, because that's the fanciest hotel I've ever been. been in. The shampoo at the QT in Sydney is Kevin Murphy. And that's a very big square bottle. So when I'm thinking like, what could I shove into my pussy? Never have I personally,
Starting point is 00:16:21 not to yuck anyone's young, but never have I personally gone. I'll go for something oblong. I will get the Kevin Mitchell up there. Murphy. Murphy. Who's Kevin Mitchell? I think that that's an actor. I'm thinking of Paul Mitchell. No, you're thinking of Kevin James, the guy from mall cop. I have never thought of getting the king and queens of Queens of Queen's Insohn's Did you poo? Did you poo? I'm after a check.
Starting point is 00:16:47 I'm so sorry. I think I've just shoot him. There was this intern named Benton who I hated. He was really entitled. He was rude to the other interns and if he stuffed up, he never owned up. All interns make mistakes
Starting point is 00:17:03 and it's fine. That's like the kind of the point you know, they don't know, you know, you knew and you start here. But when we helped him fix his shit, he was still a real dick about it. I don't like that. It got to the point where he denied everything. And in turn stuff up all the time, it seems like. But denying it. Even the bosses were like, well, Benton denies everything.
Starting point is 00:17:25 So you probably did it. The tarpa said one day, she fucked up. The tarpa fucked up one day. I didn't send a client to an audition. It was a pretty big client And it was a pretty big movie The boss was rightly pissed Bruce Springsteen
Starting point is 00:17:45 He's a musician The boss Oh I thought you meant the person auditioning For the role of The boss Yeah And Bruce Springsteen didn't go So instead Leonardo DiCaprio
Starting point is 00:17:58 Got the lead in Titanic And Benton was there No sorry, okay The boss asked about it it. I told him sending out the auditions is one of the tasks you got me to pass on to Benton. Oh no. Which was a big lie, but it worked. Benton got yelled at. Benton said, I was never given that task. It's not my fault. And the boss said, well, you always deny everything, Benton. Such a classic Benton move. Your internship finishes on Friday.
Starting point is 00:18:30 Benton was flabbergasted and his internship was wrapped up. I'm almost sorry, Benton, but actually I'm not sorry and I don't regret it because you were such a cockhead. This is a confession from a tarpa, but it's not really her confession. She was like, asked to keep it a secret. Oh, okay. In his final moments, this sweet old man asked me for a spicy favour. and begged me to hide a secret from his family. Just a random old man.
Starting point is 00:19:04 I'm a nurse. Okay. And I help people in their final stages of life. Oh, like palliative care, like hospital stuff. Yeah, yeah. It's a tough emotional time and I try to make them as comfortable as possible and for their family and just, you know, it's a tough time. You kind of just have to be kind.
Starting point is 00:19:20 Yep. Because you're like, yep, I'm here for you. I can get you whatever you want. So often during the days and I guess into the early evening, there's family there. But there is a time at the end. end of the day where everyone leaves and you know that would be pretty hard for the person yeah uh so what the tarpa does is she offers to read text messages yeah okay she goes um i can read text messages from
Starting point is 00:19:41 your phone if you like but because often it's aunties and uncles nieces yeah how you do love you yeah and this old grandpa didn't have long to go and he wanted me to read some of his text messages beautiful there were two types lots of loving messages from his family and lots of loving messages from horny young ladies in your area. As in, like, granddad's still, you know, play in the field or, like, had, like, signed up to, like, a messaging service or something like that. I think literally when you see those, like, hot young girls in your area, he's clicked the links and it's like, oh, text us now and we'll tell you a sexy story.
Starting point is 00:20:21 Hot. 899 per text, probably, but hot. Yep. Thank God I was wearing a mask so he couldn't see. the shock on my face. So she's got the phone and it's gone, oh, there's one here from your nephew and, um, okay. Uh, I said,
Starting point is 00:20:41 uh, some of them seem to not be from your family. That's nice. Diplomatic. Yep. Yep. Did you want me to read those ones as well? Also,
Starting point is 00:20:52 sorry, but who's got getting that many text messages that, like you need someone to give you a hand? Don't. Don't say, don't say. But you know what I mean? If they're unread, they're unred for a reason for me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:05 He goes, oh, they're just spam. I don't know how they got there. And she goes, oh, so do you want me to just ignore them? And he goes, no, read them. But you have to promise me you will delete them from my phone when my time comes. Like a spy? A few days later, he was sedated and his family were having their final moments. And I said, I'll just give you guys just a moment. Yeah. And I grabbed his phone and
Starting point is 00:21:34 went to the nurse's station. That is really sweet of our Tapa. She sees this message. I'll delete that thread. Yeah. I'll delete that thread. Scrolls down a bit, she says there was literally hundreds of messages. Said it took her 45 minutes to delete. To like delete them all. Hot though from granddad. This horny old grandpa had so many hot young singles on the go. Oh, I wonder how all the hot young singles would feel about that. They're going to have to get a new job or some new customers. The marketing starts now, guys. Maybe they could do like a referral system in the home. Maybe we should do a referral system. Use the code tarp for 10% off.
Starting point is 00:22:15 For hot young singles. When you're on your deathbed. Yep. Like in a while. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, not like next week. Yeah, like at least months.
Starting point is 00:22:27 At least months. Which role would you like me to play? Would you like me to be the one that you can go, Ryan, I need you to do me this favour? Yeah. Or would you like me to be the hot young single in your area? You'll be the hot young single. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:22:46 And Torbs, my partner, I'd be like, you have to delete these text messages so my boyfriend doesn't see them. My friend and I bought fake IDs here in Texas when I was 17 years old. Yep. I had to add an address. Like, you know, there was like this guy that did inside. It's like, what name do you need? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:04 Send me a photo. What's a dress? I'll get it made. I'll get it back to you. Yep. So I googled some nice neighborhoods here in Texas and picked a beautiful big house on Google Maps. Just went, yep, it's got to be someplace. So might as well be that one.
Starting point is 00:23:17 It might as well be there. Yeah. Yeah. Got the ID, happy times in Texas. A friend moved to Los Angeles to go to college over there. So I took a trip to go see him and I met this new guy that he was railing. And he goes, my friend's from Texas is like this new guy. He's from Texas as well.
Starting point is 00:23:37 Oh, man, you know, a couple of Texans. Here we are in California. How great. How do they part, ma? Exactly. So they're at a restaurant and they go, oh, actually, we'll get a few margaritas and they, you know, they get carded. So they just sort of, here's my ID. the guy who my friend's railing looks at my idea a bit funny kind of giving it a bit of a look
Starting point is 00:23:56 and I'm like oh is he is he onto that it's a fake or is he a bit suss or you know why is you looking at it funny yeah were they underage as well I don't think so okay but I'd like so this kid's rolling with them and they're just like yeah yeah and so um then the guy gets his idea out and puts it on the table next to mine no fucking way the random as fuck address on my ID is the same as his it's his family home that is amazing you have to pay that as good coincidence chat actually can't believe it that is unfucking real shooketh can you imagine
Starting point is 00:24:40 someone goes like oh that address you go that's my childhood home yeah well no you can't because it's crazy I can't imagine it this is how excited I get when other people say that they're from Perth it's not even close Where are you from Perth? I pulled a prank at work and it cost the company $900,000. I hate pranks. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:08 I hate him. I hate it. Feeling stupidly overworked and undervalued working a dangerous job on a coal mine I decided to pull a little prank so I could have a break and a cup of tea in peace I got a little sealable bag
Starting point is 00:25:29 and filled it with baby powder from my room and accidentally dropped the bag in the staff locker room the bag was found alerts were raised and the safety department shut down the whole site
Starting point is 00:25:46 all operations ceased so they could drug test all 850 people on site to see if anyone was working under the influence of illicit drugs. Police called, CEO notified, the mine is at a standstill. Nobody could return to work until every person on that shift was drug tested. It took over six hours and with the coal price being up, it's $25,000. per truck. So that's about $900,000 worth of coal that did not leave the mine why they were testing people for drugs.
Starting point is 00:26:24 Well, you got to love how seriously they took it. But I really just needed a break. So for six hours, I savoured those cups of tea and even had a few bickies. I am. I don't know. I don't know if this is a thing everywhere or like it's something that we've done as a workplace. but um you know like annual leave is that the most expensive cup of tea in the world
Starting point is 00:26:52 i'd love to find out we had high tea in london we did and it was not cheap but it was not nine hundred thousand dollars no how much was that coffee we had that time that 200 bucks in smith street well uh wellington straight yeah yeah and that we had that fancy coffee 200 bucks was it yeah and it was like because it you know a cat shattered out in North South America or something The cat then was embalmed in gold And then the coffee ate the shit And the fuck and whatever
Starting point is 00:27:19 Question about the $200 coffee Question about the $200 coffee I can't tell the difference Between that and Nescafe gold To be completely honest Wasn't that good eh I love a Nescafe gold Tell them I love it
Starting point is 00:27:32 Yeah It has to be Nescafe gold though Because I love the shape of the little flakes Yeah And I tell you what Ness Cafe gold don't do Shove it in a cat's asshole I don't think they do You're right
Starting point is 00:27:43 So I don't believe so. I'd have to Google it. I don't know. I haven't been there. I'm neither a cat's asshole or Ness Cafe, so I can't know for sure. Just one cat's asshole. It's just one cat that does it. Hey, nice to meet you, bro.
Starting point is 00:27:58 You ever had Ness Cafe come around? No, okay, it must be all good then. It must be you. It's Garfield. That's why he hates Mondays. Because people are shoving coffee up his asshole. He goes, maybe I'll cut. And then so when he leaves on Friday, he goes, well, I'm not coming in Monday.
Starting point is 00:28:12 so I guess I'll see you next Tuesday. Yeah, it's a kind of a job. What are we talking about? I used to say. I'm a single, asexual, lesbian and I'm trying to get pregnant. This isn't a spicy confession or a shocking one, but it's a secret to me and I just needed to tell someone. So I feel like I can trust Tony and Ryan and the type community.
Starting point is 00:28:42 I live alone, I have no interested in a relationship and this year I've started trying to get pregnant. How amazing. I'm doing... That actually just came with like full body chills. I've been doing at home artificial insemination working with a therapist and a midwife and it's been pretty terrifying but also exciting. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:29:01 Now I'm probably going to laugh a little bit at this next bit and it's not in bad intentions but it's just... It's just like logistics of it. It's a bit like childish. A friend of... a friend is going to be the sperm donor. So once a month when I'm ovulating.
Starting point is 00:29:18 Ryan. I know. He comes over to the house. He jerks off into a bowl and then I use the turkey baster to insert it. I'm so sorry. Like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Fuck it out.
Starting point is 00:29:35 No, like, but visually, like, is that, do you think it's the same bowl that's like also the popcorn and the spew bowl? Like, popcorn spew, come. Yeah, that brown wooden... It is quite literally a catchall. Yeah. And by all.
Starting point is 00:29:52 Yeah. I think that the popcorn companies are onto, onto us because now they come in a box. Wow. Oh! Because of her circumstances, that's actually the one way she's not doing it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:30:05 No, that's... It's actually so fair. So I've just had to take a lap there. All good. I'm excited to hope. get pregnant. Me too. For you.
Starting point is 00:30:15 Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. For you. Charles! Charles! Charles! Charles! This horrible woman at the dog park
Starting point is 00:30:26 always hogs the agility course for her dog so I need some advice before I seek my revenge. As a sentence. That woman is always hugging the agility course. She barred us entry with a
Starting point is 00:30:42 snarl. What? Dismissing my little grudel Lola. Oh, Lola. As clearly untrained. Like, oh, a grudel Lola. What a fucking bitch! Shocked but not deterred.
Starting point is 00:30:59 I lingered by the fence after she rudely commanded us to get lost. What a fucking mulguts. Her impatience peaked because she was like standing there just hovering, going, okay, we'll wait. Her impatience peaked after a tense standoff. She stormed off with her trio of dogs stuffed into her stroller and held her fucking happy now? What?
Starting point is 00:31:23 And she walked off with her stroller full of three dogs. So were the dogs on the agility course? Yeah, they were doing it. And so she's waiting her turn and she felt like she was being hustled up. Well, you wouldn't have to be hustled up if you let everyone just share it together. This is the beauty of the public agility dog course. And we've always said that. Says the confessor,
Starting point is 00:31:52 I turned to the local Facebook group to get some intel. Oh boy. Here we go. Did I hit the jack part? The jack part. I hit the jackpot. Boy, did I hit the jackpot? This dog park dictator, as she was known in the local Facebook group,
Starting point is 00:32:09 turns out she wasn't just a one time. menace. She's a serial dog park bully with a rap sheet, including verbal assault and has been actually charged for spitting on a teenager. What the fuck? Yeah, this bitch is crazy. Charles, you okay? She spat on you? Oh my God. As tempting as it is to stoop to her level. You can't. I'm plotting a less confrontational revenge. Any crafty ideas from the tarpers On how to put her in her place Without mirroring her madness
Starting point is 00:32:47 The fact that other people have had problems with her What a diabolical slut I would find that thread And print it And put it up at the dog-based agility Public track Yeah Agile your dogs around that
Starting point is 00:33:03 No No, he's my favourite though in that Facebook group yeah organize a flash mob fetch so if we know she heads down there at 10 o'clock each morning to get our agility on then everyone in the area
Starting point is 00:33:27 we're all going to turn up at 10 o'clock and have a big carnival at the dog park all together all in the agility course how you like them apples you agile slut what'd you call her A child slut What'd you call it? Diabolical slubes
Starting point is 00:33:43 Yeah close though Yeah Um Yeah I think that that's a good idea Or to travel in pairs Like you're never there by yourself So you kind of got one up on her
Starting point is 00:33:54 Oh pairs I thought like What did I fucking say oranges No no No but that's why I was literally like How do you travel in apples I was doing some DIY grooming Love it
Starting point is 00:34:07 To get a hard to reach Travis, I sat on the chair, applied the wax, and then, like a genius, attached a spatula to it. So I'd have a bit of leverage to, like, rip it off. Okay. So the wax goes on the spatula, then you spatch it up, and then you got a handle to like, you know, get right up. Get right up in there. Sorry, I'm just thinking about the, could I have a piece of paper and a pen? Instantly, please.
Starting point is 00:34:37 He's not faster. I had a dream about Charles last night, actually. Did you guys kiss? It's not important. Thank you. Yeah, faster next time. Thank you. My God.
Starting point is 00:34:52 So if the chair is like such like this. That's the right angle. Yeah, like that's the chair. Okay, yep, yep. And then, so what is she got the leg up? And it's like to kind of get, and then the spatula is coming in here. or...
Starting point is 00:35:09 I think the spatula's in between the chair and her body. So she's sitting on the spatula on the chair. Yeah, like this. And then legs akimbo like that. And then the pussy's in here. Yeah. And the spatula's in there and she's got to try and... My favourite part of your drawing is that the puss wire is not attached to the body.
Starting point is 00:35:25 No, it's just that little triangle. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I think that works. Other of those. Yeah, the other things. What I didn't realize is that the wax.
Starting point is 00:35:38 drip through the... You know how the spatula's got the little holes in it? Oh, a slotted spoon. Yeah. So the waxes dripped through there onto the fabric chair beneath me. Fabric chair. Wax is not normally that liquid.
Starting point is 00:35:55 That's the... It probably burn your fucking pussy off. The wax had dripped through the gaps in the spatula. So now me, the chair and the spatch and the wax were all as one. Sounds quite nice. After tears and panicked I eventually built up the courage
Starting point is 00:36:11 To rip myself free There is a stain on the fabric Of the dining chair permanently A few weeks later I'm still finding little chunks of wax on my bits And there's still no birds in the garden Because I scared them off with my loud scream Don't think you're asking for advice Anonymous Tapper
Starting point is 00:36:31 But you need a spotter To be like Oh Sophie Could you get the asshole Or had you considered not sitting on the chair? Why are you doing that fate? Would you not do it? I would.
Starting point is 00:36:44 Your relationship has ebbs and flows. Yeah. Yeah, but not from me. I'm always 100%. Okay. Do you remember when I called you my colleague? See, I'm never, I'm never not fully in. We're still coming back from that.
Starting point is 00:37:01 And she says horrible things like calls me the seawad. Thank you.

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