Toni and Ryan - LIVE FROM 5th Birthday Party

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

OUR 5th BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! - love ya!!!!!Tell us what you reckon in the episode thread in our FACEBOOK GROUPWatch and subscribe on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan and get in the group chat with us!!!Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Happy birthday two. The candles aren't lit. Happy birthday, dear time. Welcome to Christchurch, New Zealand, everyone. Our fifth birthday party. Yeah, very exciting. We've just done paint and sip, and it turns out all taffers are artists. Like, legit fucking amazing artists.

I just got mad. I'm, is this a safe space, so I'm happy to say that. I just got really frustrated with it. I had to take a cheese break a couple of times. There's two types of painters it turns out. Some are like, oh, it's so like, I'm in the zone and it's really like settled me and calmed me and then there's the Tony's. Have the paint and sit people left?

Okay, slight. Well, so the people running the paint and slip, paint and sit, paint and sit, great, amazing, so good, too fast. Too fucking fast. She's like, oh, and we're moving on now and I was like, oh my God, I don't even have a paintbrush. Well, they knew that we had to record this episode and be out of the building five minutes. minutes ago. So maybe that's not their fault. Yeah, no, they were on our side, but I wasn't prepared for that. And I think because we just kept telling them to wait, they were like, oh, okay. Yeah. We've got a schedule as well. Yeah. When I said Tony, and you're like, what do you want?

Yeah. It wasn't a good day for me in the pool, you know? I just want to check a few things before we continue on because a lot of New Zealanders have sent through their normal on ours. I just have a question for the room. Actually, maybe Tony can answer first. Tony, if you, if you, you go tramping in New Zealand, what are you doing? It's been a few years for me since I'm a married woman now. I don't go tramping anymore. So I need to sign off a few things before we start. It sounds to me like maybe go like cruising in the car.

Like if your boyfriend's got a cool car, you maybe like sit in the car with him. No, it's like, slate. Okay. That's obviously not what it is. What is it? Um, hiking? Yeah. Oh, okay.

specifically overnight. Overnight hiking. So it's like, oh, I'm tramping up a mountain. So the way I would say hoofing. I'm hoofing up the fucking, is that like that? Because I'd say that, like hoof up the stairs. I do say that all the time. No, but if you say hoof and I don't go, oh, she's staying the night on the mountain.

No, it's like, absolutely not. You don't think she's staying anywhere. Yeah. Also some pronunciation. Steinlager. Have I said that right? Good. All right.

Pretend that you didn't hear. that and is Pavlova from Australia? Oh and they've got that wrong. That's interesting. That's very interesting. All right. Let's do normal on our Kiwi edition. I said we should call it Cirque or not Serk and Ryan did not agree. So but I'm going to be saying stuff is serk or not sir. And actually can you just hold that for a second? It would be wrong to normal or not New Zealand without and now and L and P. World famous. And world famous. And L and P. World New Zealand.

World famous in Alta Rawa, yeah. Lemon and Pairawa. Any people from Pairowa? No, it's a small town. Imagine if they're like, it's not a place. It's a fruit. Like it's like a feature. Okay, the reason that would be crazy is because in my mind,

I have been to the town of Pairoa. Sure. And then if someone, it turned out it wasn't a town, I'd be like, well, what the fuck did I do that day? Where was I? Bridget goes, oh, here's the town and I went, cool. Yeah. They love pyroa techniques there.

Flyworks. No, okay. Yeah. All right. Edit that out, Charles. Annalise Warren. Hi, Annalise Warren. Normal or not...

Didn't they play last... Alex Warren. Alex Warren. It's like... That surprisingly come up so many times. I don't even know an Alex Warren's song. If Alex Warren walked in, you wouldn't know what he looked like. Like, literally no.

Well, when Charles said, there's Alex Warren. I was like, the people on the street. And he goes, no, that's a sign for Alex Warren behind the people on the street. They were just standing at the crosswalk. Like, they weren't doing anything. And I was like, oh my God, he's so down to earth. We should have got him for painting sympathy. Celebrities are just like us.

Annalise Warren said in New Zealand, pie sandwiches, normal or nah. Cirque. Cirque or not sick, that's sick. I heard a groan in the room. Is that like not normal? No. Okay. Oh, people coming to that.

Pavo. Povo. Yeah, okay. Well, I am, Popo. Yeah. What, nothing, there's just nothing on earth that can't be made better between two pieces of bread. But isn't the pastry of the pie the two pieces of bread? But then it's like bread bread.

Like a club sandwich. So true. The next is Tanya John. Hi, Tanya. Is it normal as a New Zealander to have Australians claim some of our best people as their own? Oh, no, sorry about that. Russell Crowe, Sam Neal, RIP. Rebecca Gibney, Keith.

Lord. I think we've tried to claim Lord before. Yeah. First of all, you can have Keith Urban. Oh, no. He's gone through a very hard divorce. Has he? Yeah, with Nicole Kidman's. So they break up? Yeah. Yeah.

Bip, beep, beep. Like a year or two ago? Wow. Entertainment Scoof here on Tony and Ryan today. That's great. That's really crazy. Yeah, they broke up. I know some stuff. Sam Neal, R-I-P, when... I love Jurassic Park. University of Canterbury here in Christchurch, grew up in Christchurch.

Did he actually grow up in Christchurch? I didn't know that. I moved to him when he was 11. So are you claiming him as well? Well, from Ireland. More than Ireland. Oh, so he's not even a Kiwi. I don't hear...

Wait, I mean, he's dead now, but like, wasn't a Kiwi. Wasn't a Kiwi, though. He has a Kiwi passport. And apparently paid some tax. here. Did four law subjects at the University of Canterbury here in Christchurch, failed them all and went, I think I'll just be an actor.

I don't think you have to do exams. That's why I'm a podcaster. That's crazy though. Shagoftar has a Kiwi normal. No, no. Always being left out of world maps. For example, Tony and Ryan's world maps for clues to where Christchurch is. Yeah.

I replied to some. comments on Instagram about that saying, oh, I was so that it wasn't a spoiler. Yeah, no, that was our fuck up. Sorry. But is that normal? Yeah. Does it happen a lot? Yeah.

I think that the claiming of celebs to Australia, I don't think that that's necessarily us. I think that's the rest of the world going, oh, yeah. And they're the same, eh? Yeah. I reckon that there's probably typers out there, like from the US or whatever, who probably think that New Zealand is Tasmania. Yeah, like a part of Australia. Like the island at the bottom of Australia is New Zealand.

When I say Bridget's from New Zealand, they're like, what does that mean? Or just like a different state. I'm like, no, it's a country. It should be a domestic flight. Like it should be. It's pretty close. And we're actually not discussing that because we don't discuss border security concerns.

We don't discuss that out of Lily, Charles, Tony and Ryan, three of them, suckers, got caught yesterday. Detained. Detained. And by the time this comes out, we'll be safe, home free. Yeah, it turns out you can't take over $700 worth of equipment overseas. Who fucking knew that? Well, they said commercial goods.

I was like, well, then it's not that good. Yeah. We're not selling anything, sir. Yeah. No, they didn't like that. And Ryan goes, was it the aprons? We were like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, we illegally brought these aprons into the country.

These have been smuggled. Don't take these to the airport. Full of drugs. Rachel Baird, in the rest of the world, there is six degrees of separation. In New Zealand, it's more normal to be like three degrees of separation. Two. Two. I think Perth's two.

Oh, you live in that town? My cousins from there. Do you know them? Yeah, they hooked up with my sister. Oh, cool. All regular conversations. Well, did anybody here today meet someone that they didn't know was a tarpa that is in their life? Oh, Slate.

Three of you. They were a tarper. They weren't a tarper. They work for the paint and sip. Oh, that's crazy. They work for the paint and sip. That's so sick. Three people in here.

That's amazing. Two degrees of separation. Oh, this one really fucks me off. Great. Tash Wagner. Hi, Tash. Is it normal in New Zealand to call a baby Chino a fluffy? Yeah.

Twice. Isn't that a fart? Tash said, I don't like it. It sounds like farts. It does. And I didn't either read that. But like, when you say like, who let Fluffy off the chain, you know, and that's like for a far?

I've never heard that saying in my life. What? Who's like fluffy off the chain? Has anyone ever heard that? No, no, nah, no. But or if you've done a little fluff, you say that to Mabel. Yeah, if Mabel's done a little fluff. Yeah.

But Mabel loves it because if I took my daughter to a cafe here and said, can we get a fluffy? She'd be like, mm-hmm. Exactly. Yeah. I don't know if I like that. No. I will say that. I don't think that the name baby Chino is that much better.

It sounds so fancy. Do you reckon? Like a baby's, when you go, do you want a baby Chino, they go? They feel fancy. They feel fancy. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Okay, New Zealand can work on that.

Let's let me just write that one down. Change fluffy. We're Thomas in Christchurch at Tony and Ryan's fifth birthday party. And we approve this on. I'm asking shout out to a few of our. Champion Tappas, that's Tony and Ryan podcast, errs over at our Patreon. Emily Thompson?

No. Gemma Thomas? Are you doing it out every time? Yeah. Miss Mayhem? Tony Dodson? Ashley Gould? Charlotte?

Oh! Pranks! Pranks! Pranks! Matt Vaughn and Sophie Kay. Thank you very much for being part of our Patreon. Absolutely love to say it. So we got here only

We haven't been here for very long, like before we arrived. And there's some things like this big poster that says, like, happy birthday, like, big thing that we brought on the plane with us. But most of the stuff, we went to spotlight yesterday to get. And we were so fucking sleep deprived. Like, we'd gotten off the plane. We'd been detained. We almost died on the fucking plane as well.

And then we, like, get to the spotlight to get all of these balloons pumped up, like, with the helium, whatever. And they're like, oh, did you want to wait? And we go, oh, well, how long is it going to take? She's like, no, like, um, to hold the balloons up. And we're like, what? And she goes, do you want to wait? Well, like, how long is it going?

Like, we just could not fathom. And she obviously meant the weights like at the bottom of the balloon. So lost in translation. Yeah. But I would like to say that I have now been to the biggest spotlight in New Zealand. Wow. Which is a spotlight here in Christchurch. Yeah.

So I've done. international spotlight shopping, which is very big deal. It was a lovely spotlight, by the way. Do we know which one it was for those playing along at home? Spotlight crush church. Spotlight crush.

I just said it. And I believe a few tarfers work there. Yep. So shout out to Kayla and Gabby in the inflation station section of the spotlight. They were very happy to have us. Probably not that happy

that we didn't know what the fuck they were saying. But no, it was an absolute pleasure. Do you know that eventually helium will run out? It's like a finite resource. So then what happens to the balloons? Like, fuck us, right? Goodbye birthday party. Why isn't anyone talking about this?

I'm saying it now. But it's like, good, life, shelf life. Everyone watched the news tonight and decide where the Helium story should have been. Oh, welcome to the comedy podcast. Everyone watch the news tonight. No, it's like, what are they covering? If not that. If not that, no, totally.

Who side are you on? No, I'm on yours. Thank you. Normally on your back side. Now, a few people in the room have already shotgun staying at our Airbnb tonight with Charles, I believe. Yeah, there we go. There we go. Charles, are you on the apps or are we, it's already taken care of?

Where are we out for this evening? We had a bit of time in spotlight. So we started like scrolling. Did you have? We had a flip through. Is that why you were waiting? And what did you see? I saw people on Tinder.

Yeah. Charles activates. So he goes, oh, I've already got a boat. bunch of likes. Okay. Here are some pick-up lines you can use in New Zealand. So if you want to try these on Charles on the way out, or just, you know, in your day-to-day life.

You just use these as you see fit. Yeah. Now, we haven't talked about this, Tony, but are we doing accents? Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. I mean, I just played sirk or not sirk.

What is this called again? New Zealand pick up. lines? This is New Zealand pick up lines. This is New Zealand pick up lines. It is. I know we're from across the ditch but do you want to see mine? That would work on me. Grab us some drinks from the chili bin and if you play a card drive it might put my willie in. Would that also work on you? It would yeah and I'm thinking about it now. But it made me think that maybe your penis would be really cold. Has your Wally Cholly. Cholly on the Wally.

Oh no, it's all covered in leaves. Did you want me to blow your dick? You're welcome. Oh, you must be Pavlova because you claim to be from New Zealand and are about to be full of cream. I can't wait to say that to my wife when I get home. Let us know what she said. I'll give you a clue.

It will be, if I was to make it pretty. You might come to my house. Maybe she might ask you to sleep with me. You know, Tony, do you want to fuck off to her place? Oh, no, that's fucked. Did you know that New Zealand is the world's largest exporter of milk? No, finish this. Look everyone here in the eye and tell them what you were going to say.

Did you want me to take some of yours? Did you know that about the milk? Is that fascinating? That is crazy. Yeah, a lot of mine are based on fucks. Yeah, okay. From the moment you said, chur, I wanted to get me mouth on your fur. Take your chert off.

Did someone just snort? Yeah. Yeah, Rachel. Can't take Rach anywhere. What'd you call? There are over 50 volcanoes in New Zealand, but no one makes me erupt like you. That's hot. That is hot. Oh, you know how you can only call it, is it manuka honey? This is the other thing I was

Manuka. Manuka. It's a long A, isn't it? Manuka. Manuka. You know how you can only call it manuka honey if it's from certain places and has the certain nectar of a certain plant and stuff? Yeah. So, do you want to suck my dick? It's Primo. Also, I'm going to start using Primo way more. What's Primo come from? Just like it's awesome. Is that what Primo means? Oh, it's like a Kiwi slang. Oh. Well, we've got a big night. Yeah.

There's so much to learn. A milk drink. A big exporter of milk. I know New Zealand's famous for having no snakes. How did you get that thing for a customs? Well, it's actually not a commercial good. Yeah, I wrote that before we were arrested. And it's worth less than $700, but thank you for asking.

The All Black's front rowers go down for the rugby scrum. and when I go down you might even get a finger in the bum Rugby makes me scrum Is that a couple of kiwi fruits in your pants Are you happy to see me Hairy balls Are your legs called Steinlager

Because I can't wait to crack them open later on tonight Charles that one will work on you This is the last one I've got Okay And just the For those playing along at home The last one is often a signal that we've really hit the bottom of the barrel. And expectation should be aligned with that.

Wellington, it might be the windiest city on earth, but it'll never blow like me. In rugby, the wallabies always get beaten by the all blacks. And tonight, your puss will cop the contents of my ball sacks. I'm guessing that was your last one as well. Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it. That's it. Oh, well done. Thank you. Yes.

I'll try them all. Use those? Yeah, yeah. You never know. Try them on the room. We just did. They like them. Yeah.

To wrap us up, I've got a little you love to say it here. And it's a sweetie pie one because I feel like we never thought we would make it to five years of doing this show. And we wouldn't be able to do it without. Tappas like you guys and everybody that's listening, watching. It's really crazy. And all the, like, party hats, I made them last week on a live stream in Patreon. on and like I put them all together and I put the little elastics on and we had like a beautiful little reflective time in the group chat like on their live stream and although it was beautiful

was there a time to reflect that how crazy it is that when you order hats they're not put together okay we actually did pay a little bit extra to have them put together and that did not happen yeah that is crazy yeah no so they came flat and the elastic like wasn't attached so I did that on a live stream last week thank you for doing this oh no my pleasure it's so fun anyway but we all kind of had a bit of a reflective time about the show and that we've been going for five years. And so my love to see it is just that all the tarppers are our best friends and we get to do this every day.

And it's really fucking cool. Yeah, it is. And I'm just so grateful that I get to do it as a job. And with you as well. You know, it's really cool. So thanks everyone. My loved seed is from Max Thomas. Thanks, Max.

She was with us when I ran the 10K, I believe. Oh, cool. Yeah. And she said, never in my life have I had my own car, but I've been saving and sacrificing and I've bloody done it. Oh, fuck yeah. So. Well, ran everywhere before that. Yes.

No, Max was the one taking the photos, if that helps you recall. Oh, I see. Got you. I found one I could afford on car sales, but it's in Queensland. So now, not only am I going to have my own car, but my childhood best friend and I are flying up to Queensland and we're road tripping back down. So it's like her first car, her best childhood friend, and they're going to have a big roadie back down to Melbourne. That's so sick.

And she's like, every time I hear the, she's like, it seemed, everyone says there start the fucking blog seems lame, but the point of it is they're not lame and it's what's important to you. But basically, Max said, I heard everyone else's stories of like they had a bit of a plan and they built up to it. And for her, it was just like, I've never had a car and that's what I want. That's fucking awesome. So well done, Max.

Congratulations. Oh, I love to see that. And we'll clap again. We'll clap again. We'll clap again. Thank you everyone to coming to our fifth birthday party. It has been so much fun. I believe we are all going to quit our jobs and become painters

because we're all fucking excellent. Because we're very good. Yeah. And thanks for letting us in New York Country with no issues at the airport. Yeah. But to wrap up, we thought we could do a quick sing happy birthday because you've got a beautiful cake here that are lovely... Do they do the hip, hip, hip, yeah?

Oh, do you hip hip? Yes. Oh, yes. Okay. Yes. Um, so we'll light the candles. Is there a designated person to lead the song? Happy birthday to you.

The candles aren't lit. Happy birthday to you quick. Happy birthday, dear to. Okay. The candles aren't lit. We're going to a break. Love you, bye. Who wants some cake?

Yeah, have you. Love you, bye.