Toni and Ryan - Normal or nArj Barker

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Whatever you might have heard in the news, is actually NOT the craziest story involving Arj Barker. Love ya! xCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. And we are calling Louisiana. We're calling Louis. And according to him, he... Louis in Louisiana? Made for it. He says, I'm spitting distance from New Orleans. Nola. Hello? Louis, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing?

I'm beautiful. How are you guys? We're good, Louis. I've never heard someone with such a great name for where they live. Louis in Louisiana. This is Tony from Tony, Melbourne. Yeah, yeah. It makes me quite unique, doesn't it? Yeah, it's perfect.

It's beautiful. Tell us about what you do for a living louis uh i'm a graphic designer cool i'm all sorts of stuff for web and print mostly print i work for a screen printing company right now so i do a lot of art for t-shirts that's fun that's sick is that as fun as it sounds? It can be. It can be. Like any job. Looking around for somebody to help you design your merch, please. Well, is this an approval or a pitch, Louis? A little bit of both. Louis, will you

approve today's episode? Abso-fucking-lutely. It only made sense because he did the pitch already. Yeah, great, great, great, great, great. This is Louis from Louisiana and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today, there's been a brouhaha

at the Melbourne Comedy Festival involving Arj Barker. But what you might not know is the weirdest experience I've ever had in my life involved Arj Barker being in my driveway. So if he hasn't been cancelled enough this week, after this, he's finished. I'm sure you've heard this. Maybe I have. You say so much stuff.

I will not be told by Tony Lodge that I say too much stuff. Hey, no, I do too. Okay. The absence of me, you know. Let's start with normal or nah. Thank you to everyone who submits these in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. Normal or nah-ish Barker. Normal or nah-ish Barker.

Chris has a normal or nage. Hey, Chris. Does anyone else have dinner in the bath? Ask Chris. Not a snack, but a whole meal. I had a mate who loved it so much he went to extreme lengths such as finding floating wine glasses and cutlery. I think it's weird as fuck, but do other people find it's normal?

We've talked about this not that long ago, maybe a couple of months ago, that I said that I'd eaten that burger in the bath in a hotel and all of the juices came out and I was just like a floating little dumpling because it was like a broth. I was then bathing in like a broth yeah you felt very meaty yeah for a few days actually yeah it was like salty and i didn't hate it i probably like broke out my skin because it was filled with like oily water fuck that's disgusting there was

a film i believe there was a film yeah um and it smelled amazing. Like it smelled so good. Anyway, and so I'm going to say nah to a full meal, especially with a floating wine glass and cutlery. I've got one of those things that goes over the bath, the little caddy thing that you pop your book on. I think a wine or a beer and I can imagine a snack. Some little chippies. Yeah, but a meal. Like using

cutlery just sounds like a fucking punish. The cutlery, I don't think I could get around. I reckon like a little toasted sandwich. Yeah, because finger food. Because, exactly. Finger me food. That's what I call it. Because I eat it, then I'll let you finger me. Wow, we know what you do in bathtubs.

And it's not cleaning yourself. That was a float tank. Cleaning yourself of your sins. William, as a normal owner. Let's just push on and forget that I said that. Bye. Joint custody of pets after a breakup. William says, my sister and her now ex-boyfriend just broke up

and they're doing joint custody of the dog. I think this is not normal. What are they going to do, meet in the Walmart parking lot and do the exchange like divorced parents? Normal or not? It's not fair on the dog. I'm going to say normal because I don't want anyone to feel bad that does this i personally don't do this i have one dog with my boyfriend so we live together shared custody in the same

home if you broke up what would happen i'd actually don't know and i don't want to think about it um i think it's okay because the dog's just happy that it's with its owners. It would be heartbreaking to like break up with someone and then like lose your pet as well. Yeah. But also I think it would depend on the reason for the breakup. So if someone did the dirty, it's like, well, go fuck yourself. Fuck yourself. I'm going to keep the dog.

Yeah. Like on Lele Blanc. I'm keeping the dog, dumbass. Me and Bron are best friends. So like we couldn't be broken up. And Pippa? I would choose Bronn over most other

living creatures in my house. That's fair. Yeah. If you had to choose between Torbs and Pippa? I think that I have to take it out of an emotional place and take it to a mathematical place. It's purely emotional. And pick Torbs because I will have him hopefully for longer. Like Pippa is a great choice, but for what?

Ten years? Torbz hopefully forever. Yeah, it's heartbreaking, but like I'm playing the long game. Okay. That's fine. But if Torbz and I had like to split, if we split up and we like, I think Pippa is definitely, she loves me more.

Yeah. But Torbs, I'd just be heartbreaking. If one of you got the house and the other got the dog, what would you choose? You wouldn't want to live in that house without a dog. So you'd choose the dog. Oh, yeah. So I'm moving in with you. Yeah.

And I'm bringing Pippa. Oh, we'll have a great time. We'll have a great time. All right. If this happened next to you on public transport, would you vomit or would you be okay with it? Public transport, Ryan, is where you, like, catch the bus or the train with other people,

just in case you didn't know. I've caught way more public transport than you've caught. Absolutely no, you have not. Absolutely. Every week to uni, every week to work. What do you think that I did when I was at uni? Drove your Audi or you got a private jet or some shit. Georgia was sitting minding her own business

and this lady across from her is moisturising her hands and nails, totally normal behaviour, says Georgia. It's already, for me, getting a bit grimy, a bit wet and moist. Yeah. She then looks closely at her nails and goes, and pulls out a nail clipper. No, no fucking way. And starts clipping her nails and getting the little dead skin bits

out of her cuticles on the train and just clipping them onto the floor. Onto the floor. Yeah. I think the most that you can do on a bus is lip balm. I'm actually, I mean, on the record, the most that you can do on public transport is a lip balm. Or a lipstick or something. But a lip balm I think is the most amount.

I think lip balm is fine as long as you're not making direct eye contact with someone. Yeah. For those of you playing along at home, Tony is sort of fingering her face and looking me in the eye. Popping your lip balm. I actually don't hate that. I take back what I said.

I'm all about that. Finally, Lynn Yang says, this is giving Tony Lodge energy and I'm here for it. Clipping the nails on the bus. No, no, no. This is this is giving Tony Lodge energy and I'm here for it. Clipping the nails on the bus. No, no, no. This is a new one. Oh my God. I was like, that is fucking blasphemy.

How dare you? Oh my God. No, this is Lynn Yang. And she says, this is giving Tony Lodge energy. Normal or nah? Getting paranoid when you believe you're driving the speed limit, but you're overtaking everyone. Have I missed a memo? No more.

No more, no more, no more, no more, no more. You're like, oh, well, it says I'm pretty sure at 60, and I'm doing 60, but no one else is. Why am I flying past people? Yeah. Or the opposite way, when you're like, I'm pretty sure at 60 and everyone's going past you, and you don't know whether they're assholes or, like, you just haven't read the thing.

That's normal, Lynn. Thank you very much for sending through. I'm Louis from Louisiana, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Heaps of stuff over there. You can check it out at any time. Some of the people already in there. Will Wick.

Good on you, Will. Thanks, Will. Indie Williams. Thanks, Indie. Thanks, Indie. Jessica Wilson-Smith. All three of them. Yep.

Max Richardson and Jesse Hopf. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. Thanks, Jesse. Absolutely love to see it. Richardson and Jesse Hopf. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. Thanks, Jesse. Absolutely love to see it. Now, I feel like this has done the rounds all week,

all around the world. But there's no way we can't. Arj Barker, let me read the headline for you here, Tony. Arj Barker kicked out a breastfeeding mother and her baby from his show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. What the fuck? A fellow festival goer said the crowd wasn't sure whether he was serious but he was dead serious it was unbelievably awkward what the

fuck up to 15 people uh also walked out of the show in an act of solidarity for the mother and the baby the mother said she can't leave the baby at home or with a babysitter because the baby is breastfed at the moment and needs to be fed every two to three hours. Yeah, which is like standard practice. Yep. The internet is divided. Over what? One person said 700 people had paid good money to see a professional

perform and the baby was clearly distracting both the performer and the audience. Sometimes parenting both the performer and the audience sometimes parenting means sacrificing some things and maybe for 12 or 18 months comedy shows might have to wait another said it's 2024 society has grown up and acknowledges the existence of mothers and babies and maybe the childless arch barker should grow up as well childless arjbarka should grow up as well i just i mean i guess a big spat i guess i just don't understand how that could distract anyone like if i think if like um and this isn't just for babies if someone was like arcing up at a comedy show like um you know when they um hecklers heckler yeah or they're you know like being a bit disrespectful or being really loud and distracting to people.

Or if a baby was like crying and like inconsolable, then I'd probably be like, look, that is maybe a bit distracting. So I think the baby was making noise and Arge could like hear her and others could as well. And Arge got on the front foot and he goes, oh, like a lot of comedy is about like leaving an intentional pause and like the timing of the joke and the rhythm and then like when a baby's crying, it's kind of just a bit off-putting.

Did he do it on the stage? Yeah. Like so it was like mid-show and he said get out? Or he was kind of like, hey, like the kid's really distracting. It's supposed to be 15 and older. Like do you mind taking the baby out? And apparently the mum was like like and he's like no like actually oh oh that would be so embarrassing yeah um my thought was should a kid and mother be

allowed to do whatever they want yes but would i personally like not go to a show for fear of this exact thing happening like probably also yeah like i just wouldn't i just wouldn't go um but this is the thing it's a big brouhaha everyone's fucking waning with their two cents and yeah one of the greatest comedy moments in australian television occurred on a tv show called the project and i don't know if they know how funny this was so the host sarah so they get the mother on, you know, get her side of the story. I see. She goes, oh, you know, it's been.

I thought you were going to say Ash Barker was on the show. No, no, no, no, no, no. The mother and the baby. Oh, both of them. Both of them. So they've got the camera at the house and she's on the couch like, oh yeah, I just wanted to see the show, but little, my little one, blah, blah, blah.

And the project gets on their high horse and goes, it's outrageous. You know, kids should be allowed everywhere, blah, blah blah blah um and the project gets on their high horse and goes it's outrageous you know kids should be allowed everywhere blah blah blah um and then they cross to the mum and the baby is crying oh and then the host goes oh could you give the baby to mum for a bit it's actually a bit hard to do the interview with the baby here oh and then they take the baby away and they go yeah so a baby should be allowed everywhere like they don't just and everyone's like uh uh quick question and they've had to turn off comments because everyone was just like this is one of the i believe someone described it as one of the great own goals fuck and i i do like i do get it like you're trying to be in the zone and stuff but

like oh fuck that is yeah i think it's one of those things where it's like it was also like it could have been handled better you know exactly i think that's the whole thing yeah like it's not fair to embarrass anybody and try and like make them feel bad and it's sort of like no one's sort of in there. Like I kind of understand where everyone's coming from, but everyone kind of was a bit of a dick in like, I don't know, it was a big brouhaha. But if there's one thing we do need to keep in mind is that

Arj Barker is a cooked unit and let me tell you why. Now, I don't think this is new news that he's like a bit of a conspiracy theorist, like UFO. Like I think he took a year off comedy to like study UFOs and stuff. Right. Oh, I didn't know that. Like, yeah, he's an interesting cat. He's an interesting cat.

So one day I'm at my house in Richmond, not the one that you went to. He's before that, like Docker Street. The little apartment. The little apartment that was near Kiss, the radio station. Your bachelor apartment. I was married when I moved in, but yes. It was like the pinnacle of bachelor apartment because it was dank and had nothing in it.

And it's like a one bedroom and like the bedroom's in the kitchen, like a studio. Yeah, it was fucked. It was fucked. So one day I'm sitting on like the steps at the front of the apartment building. I don't know if I'm like waiting for Uber Eats or maybe BJ was with me and it's like, you know, having a sniff in the garden before he went back up to the fucking the batchy pad yeah but i'm just sitting on the steps

at the front of an apartment building and these two other dogs like walk up to me and obviously like i smell like dogs so they have a sniff or whatever and this one dog cocks its leg and just hisses on my shoe. Yeah. Yeah. You have to help me this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then I look up like to the owner and it's Arj Barker. And he just goes.

I hope you kicked him out of your comedy show. You said take your baby elsewhere. So what I assume would normally happen in this situation, like it doesn't matter, like dogs pee, it is what it is, but it's like at least pretend to give a fuck. Yeah, or be like, oh, my God, I'm mortified. I'm so sorry. And I go, it's all right, dogs do it, and we all move on.

And so there's this lady across the street who works for the council and she's like spraying weed stuff or doing gardening. Yeah. And she looks over and she kind of goes, that seems strange. Because he's just, a dog's just pissed on me. And he just goes, huh. This might be irrelevant, but were they big dogs? No, two little dogs.

So I'm imagining two massive, like, you know, those. Yeah, like Labrador, just pissing liters. Or like a huge fucking, you know, those horse dogs. Like just enormous. Yeah. Like, yeah. I'd say medium enormous. Yeah. Like, yeah. I'd say medium, medium dogs. Yeah, right.

One of them just pissed. And not just like. Did you move? Did you pull your foot out of the way or something? Well, I didn't want to move. So I was like, oh. Just kind of waiting. But kind of waiting for him to, oh, my God, I'm sorry.

And then I look up and I went. So anyway, he just continues on. And the girl who's spraying weeds across the street, he goes, what are you doing? To her? Yeah. And she goes, oh, just tidying up the garden, putting some weed killer on.

He goes, hmm, cancer. Okay. And then he walks off and then she just looks at me and goes, was that Archbarker? All right. And I go, yeah, did you see looks at me and goes, was that Arch Barker? All right. And I go, yeah, did you see? And she goes, yeah, I did see. And I go, did you hear?

And I go, yeah, I did hear. This seems a lot like a dream. Because the crazy things that are happening, this feels like maybe you imagine this. That's why I'm glad she was there. And I think she got the sense she's glad I was there. you're both looking around because we were like if there was no other person between the besides the two of us no one would believe this so i kind of looked at her to go that just happened right did you get her number like like when you an insurance claim like you

exchange information once a year you guys text each other and you go yeah i remember that i would love to text her today. And just be like, babe, did you say that? Do you guys remember when he pissed on you? I reckon she's telling her. Yeah. Sorry. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. That's too much. Well, I reckon she's telling her friends because Arj is in the news. She goes, let me tell you this. His dog pisses on some guy and then he comes over and accuses me of spreading cancer for putting chemicals in the fucking wheat. That is. I'm glad she was there. We had a moment of solidarity because we were like,

this just happened, right? She goes, yep, because you saw that. I go, yep. He said that. Yeah, I heard it too. Like crazy shit. So anytime it's like Arj Barker did something, I'm like, I believe it. So does Arj Barker live in Richmond?

For a lot of because it was during comedy festival so he's bigger in australia than he is in the u.s yeah i've heard that like he's very popular in australia so i think he's been around for a really long time but i think he like three months a year would live you know like really settle in and like do a lot of shows and do a lot of stuff and move here for a fair bit. Yeah, so we must have had an Airbnb, you know, close to town or whatever. Bring the dogs. And imagine your dog pissing on someone and just going, huh. I would literally take the shoes off my feet and give them to the person

and be like, I'm so mortified by that. Like have my shoes. Yeah, yeah, take my shoes off my body. Yeah. Fucking hell. I'd wear my bike and shoes. Take a walk in my shoes yeah take my shoes off my body yeah fucking hell shoes take a walk in my shoes man well you know that like archbark a bit where it's like i'm wearing walking like what's the difference between like walking and running shoes because like so if a huge stampede is coming

towards you but you go no i'm in my walking shoes like that's like a real famous like archbark a bit i'd never heard it before and this guy like said that to me once. I was like, that is so funny. He's like, oh, what happens? You're in your walking shoes, like not your running shoes. And then I used it on someone else because I'm like, oh, this guy told me this hell of a funny joke. He goes, that's Arsh Barker and walked away. So this guy stole Arsh's joke, then you stole his joke.

Yeah. And then the person who I said it to was like, that's Arj Barker. And like was so offended that I would try and like steal someone's gear. And I had no idea. Was it Arj Barker that you said it to? And then he pissed on me. Far out. What do you love to see today, Tony Lodge?

I've got something here from Alex Edwards, who actually submitted it through our website. So we've got a new website for anyone that hasn't seen it, TonyRyan.com.au, and there's a whole section where you can submit your normal or nas, submit your confessions, and then there's like a spot where you can kind of submit any story. A free-for-all.

Yeah, so if you've got it, you'll love to see it, or you've got like a question you'd love to ask us or just some crazy story like, I don't know, out of thin air, you're sitting on the street, Arsh Barker's dog piss on you. We would love to hear it. He accuses a council worker of spreading chemtrails. Yeah.

But Alex sent this in and said, I listen to your podcast every day on my way to work and my now two-year-old has an Australian accent. I've been listening to the pod every day for about six months, been listening to the pod. I don't love to say that. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry too. Every day for about six months I've been listening to the podcast and I do the commute with my two-year-old daughter Astrid and normally she's like playing on her tablet or watching something or reading but she's kind of like listening to Tony and Ryan by osmosis.

Her speech is pretty developed and she has like a standard southern British accent which is where they're from. That's not also a British accent. My nephew Tyler had a bit of an accent for a while from watching Peppa Pig. Is that British? Because that's English. Like, Peppa, Peppa Pig, my little brother George. And he talked like that for a bit.

In suburban Perth, that would be just the most egregious, awful thing. Yeah, and then it went American when he started watching YouTube. Ah, okay. He'd be like, I'm Tyler. Anyway, that's a bit embarrassing. Is he back to Australia now? Yeah, he's all good now. So much so that my-

So well-travelled, Tyler. Yeah, I know. He's been around the block a few times. So much so that my husband pointed it out because when she says the word no, she sounds just like me so there's this little girl sounding exactly like adele she's from london and then she goes no but yeah and uh alex says sorry aside thanks so much for all the shit you chat i just i love to see it.

I love your pod. We've got a lot going on at the moment, so it's nice for half an hour in the morning to have a bit of a brain break before the day starts. But say hi to Astrid for us. Astrid, I hope you have a wonderful day today. Have a great day, Astrid. Have a great day, Astrid. Oh, that was good.

Thank you. Thank you very much. What do you love to see? Laura Zuba, first of all, fucking incredible. Zuba? Sick name. Oh, I know. Laura says, I just put on my new screen protector on my phone

and didn't get a single bubble stuck underneath. Piss on my shoes and call me Ash Barker. That's amazing. A poke a hole in that condom. I want your talented offspring. Look how fucked mine is. That's amazing. A poke a hole in that condom. I want your talented offspring. Look how fucked mine is. That is awful. Isn't that embarrassing?

That looks like it's been sprayed with cancer chemtrails. Cancer chemtrails. Yeah, it's not good. I need a new one. So maybe I'll hit up the big Zubernator and ask her to do my screen. The Zubernator. You're welcome for that, by the way. Tomorrow on the show.

I don't know if you're going to hate this, Tony, but it's the finalists of the tar parking contest. Oh, fuck me. Yeah, okay. So I said any tar for whoever can pull off the worst park, I'll send them a merch. Safely. No.

Yes. And you'll see in the finalists how not safe it was. Oh, no. So that's tomorrow. Now, does this stress you out or someone else so you can just judge them from afar? I haven't decided yet. And I don't think I'm going to like it. But also, it wasn't me.

Yeah, that's what I'm getting at. Yeah. Also, fun fact. How fun? Extremely fun extremely fun hilarious good uh my mate liam's birthday this weekend yep and you overheard this i did yeah uh liam's like we're going to this pub it's they've got a new owners and they've changed the menu and it's you know they've done it up and it's really great so let's go check it out and i go okay and then he goes and there's great parking and tony overhe it up and it's really great, so let's go check it out. And I go, okay. And then he goes, and there's great parking. And Tony overhears this and goes, ha, a man of my heart.

Yeah, I was like, oh, I'm coming. I wasn't going to go, but I'll come now. So do with that information what you will, ladies and gents. And tomorrow is a video show as well. So clear half an hour in your fucking calendar, sit down and watch it with a little coffee something. You can see these shit parks in real time. In real time.

All right, we'll chat to you tomorrow. Love you, bye.