Toni and Ryan - Ocean's Thir-Toni

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

I'm not proud of the intense kissing noises I make in this episode - but you'll have to forgive me. (If you've got a SPICY confession you need to get off your chest, we wanna hear about it COMPLETELY ANONYMOUSLY HERE!) Love ya! Toni xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. I'm Ryan John, this is Dr. Author Tony Lodge, and we are calling Abby, who's in Bristol. What's your Bristol accent? Um, hello, I'm in Bristol. That's close, I think. Maybe not. We'll ask Abby. We'll find out. We'll find out. We're Abby out to find out. I'm sorry. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Hello, Abby. How are you?

Hi. Did I sound just then, Abby? How are you today? Be honest, Abby. Did I sound just then like I was in Bristol? Like could I have been your next-door neighbour just then? No. God, I thought that the Brits are supposed to be really polite.

That was polite, but it was also truthful. Yeah, straight to the point. She was polite enough to not lie to you. That's true, yeah, a good friend. Abby, thank you so much for being a tarpa. Will you approve this podcast? Of course I will. Luckily she didn't go, no.

Tony, the answer is no. No. Hey, it's Abby from Bristol and I approve this podcast. I think we started off with a warning the other day as well, but I'm starting off with another warning today. Like today's confessions are pretty cooked. And if you want to submit yours anonymously. Fully anonymous.

We can't call you out and then there are some confessions that are like, hit me up for more info, and we actually can't. People may have seen last week I said, can you please send me the picture of the 18-inch dildo? And they did. And they did. And they did. They came through. Thank you.

You can see that on Instagram. Do they send the dildo picture anonymously as well or do we now have that person's information? Yeah, because you can't submit in the anonymous form. You can't submit pictures. So they just send a DM. Oh, by the way, that was me. Here's the picture.

Lol, don't tell anyone. Your secret's safe for me. But tonyandryan.com.au is where you can submit your confessions. Now, this person may have outed themselves because they've called themselves Shmalina. Your secret's safe for me. But tonyandryan.com.au is where you can submit your confessions. Now, this person may have outed themselves because they've called themselves Shmelina. Oh, Shmelina. Shmelina sends a confession. I fully open-mouthed kissed my pet dog.

My boyfriend and I were cuddling bed in a cold Sunday morning. When I woke up, I was hugging the dog, but I thought it was my boyfriend because they were like spooning. Not believable. Turns out my boyfriend was making his coffee in the kitchen. I was still half asleep and went to give what I thought was my boyfriend a little smoocherino while I was spooning and ended up going full tongue. After like 15 or 20 seconds of pashing, which is a long time.

No, that did not happen. My boyfriend walks into the bedroom with a couple of cappuccinos and goes, what the fuck? I mean, first like cappuccino. I hear this, open one eye and I I mean, first, like, cappuccino. I mean. I hear this, open one eye, and I see him, and I'm like, but if you're over there. No fucking way did that happen. Then who am I passing over here?

No fucking way did that happen. I get going, oh, we're snuggling, I'm half asleep. Oh, oh, that's the dog. You don't pass your dog. A dog's face is not the same shape as a human's face. We don't know what kind of dog Shmelina has. Well, if it was big enough that she thought it was her boyfriend. Like, you know, my dog Pippa, she's got a flat face,

which is I guess closer to a human face, but she's about this big. Yeah. So there's no way that I'm going to trick her up with dogs. My boyfriend who is like seven foot tall. But you've got a tiny dog and a big boy. Yeah. So there's no way that I'm going to trick her up with torps, my boyfriend who is like seven foot tall. But you've got a tiny dog and a big boy. Yeah. But some people might have a medium dog and a medium boy. But a big dog doesn't have a flat face.

Well, it depends which angle you're coming at. Maybe you get around the snout. Although a big dog has a big tongue. You're telling the story, mate. No, but dogs have big tongues. Yeah. There's just also no way that you would not know that that wasn't a person. Talitha Shmelina.

Oh, so you think that this happened? I don't judge. I just read the confessions. I don't provide editorial. I'm just saying there's no way that that happened because how would you not? She's not proud of it. No, I didn't say she would. You don't know.

Was this you? Did you submit this? Yeah, my boyfriend walked in with some cappuccinos. Yeah. That sounds nice. And said, Ryan, here's your almond milk. Oh, shit. But, like, there's just no way that you wouldn't expect 15, 20.

You've got to give me that. That's a long pass. That's a long time. I'll give her five or ten. I'll give her a peck and then go, oh, my God, that's the dog on my way back. Like, that's a, you know, straight away. Okay, let's just for shits and gigs because I feel like.

Are we kissing to test this out? 15 to 20 seconds doesn't seem like a long time. It fucking is. But when you're pashing a dog. When you're pashing anyone. Open mouth kissing. All right. I want you to give don't overdo it.

She's rolling her eyes. I don't know how to underdo it, but sure. Just like a subtle mouth noise. And this is how long she claims to have kissed her dog. This is 15 seconds. Go. I don't know why I've got my eyes shut. She's fully going for it.

Babe, did you want to come back? Oh, my God. Oh, no. The dog was in there. That was only 15. They reckon it was 20. Oh, no. The dog was in there. That was only 15. They reckon it was 20. 15 to 20. They reckon, like, that is such a long time.

I really don't know why. I shut my eyes. For those playing along at home, Tony had her hand out as if she was holding the back of the dog's head and was, like, putting the tongue out. She had her eyes closed and was really a goner. I don't know why I shut my eyes. No, because you're an audio queen. When you give a performance, you give a real performance.

I'm a method actor. I just do not believe there's any way that you could mix those up. If that really happened, I would seek, like, should have gone to Specsavers. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's not good. Well, Specsavers only works when your eyes are open. Yeah.

But, yeah. There's just no, also like people are like, like dog food doesn't smell good. Like there's no way that you wouldn't smell your dog's breath and realise straight away like, I guess when you wake up, nothing smells great. Yeah, I was going to say morning breath, a couple of bourbons last night obviously.

Yeah. A whole log of salmon food. Like, oh God, you smell like you ate the dog's food. Ha-ha. Yeah. It's not like you've had beef and gravy mix. Also, the fur, the whiskers. Maybe he had a beard.

Why are you backing this person up? Just everyone has a right to a lawyer. I just. And a right to a fair trial. I just don't. I think you know how sometimes people go like, oh, you didn't want to know the truth? You know, you believe what you want to believe.

Maybe this person was like, oh, it was, you know, maybe. She's cheating. I thought it was my boyfriend. No, she's not cheating. Oh, my God. You mean she was just genuinely passionate about boyfriend. No, she's not cheating. Oh, my God. Oh, you mean she was just genuinely passionate about it. Yeah, and she was like, oh, what? You know when you book something into your calendar?

Yeah. That sometimes when other people see it, it just says busy. Yeah. And then other times it can say specifically what you have on. Yeah, I think it depends on if your calendar's on private or not. There's settings in the back. I just changed mine so Bridget can see what I've got on. So when she books stuff around me, she can do whatever.

But she said it just came up as busy, so I had to do a whole deep dive and un-private it. Let this anonymous confession be a warning to everyone to check those settings and just be aware if other people can see what you're putting into your calendar. Because you and I, we have our calendars alike, so I can see what the event's called and what you're doing. Tony's going to the PT until 9 o'clock, so I can't book anything before 9.30, blah, blah, blah.

It's actually really handy for us. Yeah. nine o'clock so i can't book anything before 9 30 blah blah it's actually really handy yeah it is yeah this anonymous confession says my boss put drop-off semen sample into the work calendar not knowing that everyone in our team can see it and it launched utter chaos into the workplace it was booked in for an afternoon on a work day and no one really liked this boss that much. And they weren't close enough to kind of go, hey, watch out. But every time he went to the bathroom, we're like, is it on? Is it on?

Is he jacking it? Is he going for it? Every time he's like, oh, that's pretty interesting. Can I have a look at that? Or, you know, every move, everyone was just – because you can imagine how much like wildfire that would spread. Especially in a workplace because not a lot happens in an office. No.

Like one little skerrick of like juice or goss, sorry for saying juice, but the goss, that flies through. Everyone's talking about it. No one's done any work. No one's taken lunch. Everyone's just like so busy talking about this thing. You can imagine someone goes, oh, maybe I'll do a meeting with Tony at two o'clock. Oh, she's got something

to... Also, I mean, because no one likes this boss, immediately you're like, oh, well, is that annual leave? Is that on work time, mate? You booking that off? That's what I'd be saying. I believe... I've had a dick boss before and I would have been like,

oh, mate, you put some annual leave in for that. Yeah, because you know they'd do it for you. Oh, they fucking would too. Is there something you want to talk about? No, I'm okay. When you had to drop off your semen sample, did you have to take annual leave or did you do it before work? I did it before work and I got in a bit late that day.

Yeah. But it was also, actually while we were being on the water, like I knew I was coming in late and me and like my, I wouldn't say direct boss, but the person I work with. Yeah. He's a good guy. Yeah. He goes, let's just not mention this to the big boss.

You just get it done and we'll just pretend like it didn't happen. Because as you know. Did he know what it was for? Yep. Yeah. And he's a nice guy. He's got kids. So he'd get it. He? Yep. Yeah. And he's a nice guy. He's got kids. So he'd get it.

He'd get it. Yeah. He's a great guy, actually. We should catch up with him. We can say his name is Boz. With Boz, yeah. It turns out his wife is a nurse and she was in the hospital when Mabel was there. She's a midwife, yeah.

So I was like, well, I said your family's been at the start and the end of this process. That's actually fucking beautiful. What, me masturbating? Boz helped you get pregnant and bell helped you deliver the baby don't say boz helped me get pregnant because he sounds very like i worked with the guy at the time we were trying like he was dead hey i'm mad to put your hand there i'll just hold this cup down here and you just aim for the middle oh did you want me to change the channel on the? Yeah. Sick of watching this show.

Boz hired me. Did he? He was the reason that I started working at Kiss, yeah. Oh, that's lovely. What a great guy. Yeah. And I'll let him know that we talked about him because I had a porn at the workplace story. Yeah.

Wait, porn at the workplace? Oh, sorry, I didn't get to the end of it. Later on in the afternoon, he watched some porn, then went to the bathroom, filled up the cup, and left 10 minutes before his appointment to drop off the semen, and everyone just was like... He watched porn at the office? Yeah.

How did you not? Oh, my God. Sorry, rewind. Let me just read this. He went into his office, closed the door, and was, like, staring at the computer and then like, now this might be a bit of editorial, limped from his office to the bathroom

or had like a bit of an interesting spring in his step. No, it's just the. Like he was carrying a pocket rocket. Yeah, no, it's just the. The sniper. It's just the illusion on the pants. It's the pattern on the pants. Wanker man, more like.

Anchorman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, everyone check your settings on your calendar. Hey, it's Abby from Bristol and you're listening to Totally Aligned. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. They've helped us get to the 3,000. 3,000, baby. Woo-hoo. Sorry.

Oh, my God. I just had a break up. Over 3,060 because we're up to 51 hours in the live stream. Yeah. I don't know how I feel about that. I want people to keep signing up because I think I can do it. And you're starting to get like cold feet. Yeah.

And I'm feeling like I'm really coming into my power on this occasion and I'm pumped about it. So I'm like, yep, fucking fill those hours up. How far could you go? Scientifically. No, like just vibe. I feel like I am someone who like when I need to pull my finger out, and I hope that you agree with this, when I need to fucking get it done,

I can get it done, except for the time when I had COVID and you came to my house by accident because we did not have COVID yet. Except for that time, I feel like when I have to rally, I can fucking rally. And so I think that I will have my down moments where I am like, Ryan, we can't do this anymore. But then I think I'll be able to come back up. What's going to bring you back up?

Because I think it's only natural that over that amount of time there will be ups and downs, but it's getting out of the down that's the challenge. I think that if I think you're going down, I'll spring back up because I'll be like, you need me to be up right now. So if you're down, I should just bomb it down. No. Oh, because then I'll, no, don't do that.

But that sounds like what you're saying. No, because you can't do it on purpose. I mean, like, because it's like we can't both be down. I think we're going to have to like, yeah. But you can't just like. Oh, she's down. I better bomb this to force her back up. No, because then you'll be down.

But then if I stay up, then does that mean you'll stay down? But the natural energy and flow, I don't think you can do it on purpose. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I think we'll be at quite an equilibrium. I think that's the important part, not like boosting up. Not highs and lows, just consistency.

Just trying to stay consistent. Yeah. Anyway, a big thank you to Danielle Parker. Danielle, a different Danielle with no last name. Thank you. Megan Orange. Oh, nothing rhymes with orange. Lauren H.

Sorry. Nikki and Michael Scouten. Well, I'm Scouten for Michael because bloody love to say it. Love to say it, Michael. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. I need to talk about the security in my building. Please.

I've mentioned in the past that our building is not the most secure. There is like many doors that require like security access, but our parcels get stolen like every day. I got a parcel stolen just two days ago. I ordered some art online and it's gone. Like it's just it happens all the time. Anyway. Have you considered like a PO box or is there any alternatives?

Oh, a PO box would be a good idea. Because you're building so shit with that stuff. Sometimes I think about getting stuff sent to work. I'm like, oh, that P.O. box would be a good idea. Or just something because, yeah, you're building so shit with that stuff. So annoying. Sometimes I think about getting stuff sent to work. I'm like, oh, that would be easier. So I might start doing that. It's such a pain in the ass. Anyway, I just want to pause that, though, for one second and ask you, what would you take from your house in a fire?

Oh. And I think we've talked about this and touched on this before, but I think that your answer may have changed. Mabel. Since Mabel's arrived. Well, she is my answer. Well, yeah. So, like, say the fire alarm's going off, you're smelling smoke.

Can I tell you a secret? Please. I love her. She's starting to hug me back and she smiles at her dad now and she likes when I dance. She is a sweetheart. Yep. And you can tell that you love her very much.

A few weeks ago, maybe touch, you know, take her or leave it. But also she didn't really have a personality. She's starting to get a little personality now. So if there was a fire four weeks ago, meh. Probably grab her but like, fuck, not going back in. But just for like. You're not going back in. No, like if she was between me and the door,

I'd pick her up on the way through. Yeah. Just because society would have shooed none of you. But now I do it because I wanted to. That's really nice. And that is true love, I think. I think that's really nice. Yeah, thank you.

I don't think, and I mean, this isn't a real like, it's such a fucking wanker thing to say, like, I'm not a materialistic person, but I actually don't have like stuff that I'm like real attached to. There's nothing in my house that I couldn't replace. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like I don't have a, you know, oh, my grandpa's passed down this thing and something or I can't.

Yeah. What's your go-to? Besides Pip, obviously. Well, so I think the last time that we talked about this, I said the same thing. I was like, I don't know what I would grab, like my keys and my phone, just so that then I could like get out. And you normally have your phone on you anyway,

so it seems like kind of like a knee-jerk reaction anyway. Would you go back for your phone? No fucking way. I probably would. No, because no one could fucking email me. And then what? You're standing out the front of a burning building. What are you going to do?

Just stand there? Yeah, I want to play Blocko Doku while I'm there. It's a good point. I want to be live tweeting it, baby. Yeah. Building on fire. That too. Can you call the cops?

No. Tony left her fucking phone inside. Well, so we got evacuated from our house two nights ago. Really? Yeah. How does that happen? So it happened like three times in one day once. Yeah, that's why I think.

And it hasn't happened since. Okay. And is it usually just like, oh, smoke alarm, false alarm? Yeah, normally. But so the other night, it's 10.30, the alarm in the whole building starts going off and we can smell smoke. Oh, so yeah, fuck righto.

It's like legit. And this is the first fire. Well, first fire. First scare, I guess, but like whatever, since we've had Pip. And I was just like, oh, my God. And it was about 10.30 at night. So Pippa was asleep on the couch next to me. I have my nightie on.

Torbs was wearing his track pants, I think, or something. Like grey? They were like grey. Pretty nice to see the slayer on that guy. Anyway, and like we hear the alarm and we're like, holy fuck, okay. And literally both of us jumped into action. Great. It wasn't like, we were both just like, great.

I like literally like ripped my nightie off, pulled some jeans and a jumper on um put my slippers on and then um i had my phone in my hand and i said tobs you got the keys and he went yep and i grabbed pippa under my arm and started walking out in a calm but fast fashion yeah and then like um with purpose thank you did you have the lead? No. So I grabbed Pippa under my arm and then I like walked down the corridor and I like, you know when you like jog down the stairs, like you bounce down? I bounced down the stairs.

I had Pippa under my arm and then we got out the front and we were kind of like the first people to get down there. Yeah. But there was a lot of people behind because we're on the first floor. So there's a lot of people behind us but we were in the first floor. So there's a lot of people behind us, but we were in the first, like, five, ten people that were outside. Yep. Anyway, so we get downstairs.

All I've got is the dog under my arm and my phone. That's all I had. And then Torbs comes down behind me and he's got a jumper for Pippa, her lead. Great. Thank you, Torbs. And my laptop. Great.

That's what he grabbed, which is probably of all the things in the house, same as you, like we have a lot of stuff, but none of it is like important. The laptop would be convenient because I'm guessing like access to documents, your passport, I don't know, shit that you might need if everything else goes belly up. So we kind of did think like afterwards we were like passports, but then you can buy them again. Get them again. It's like annoying, but it's not like undoable.

It's not like impossible. Yeah, you just get another one. Laptop's probably a good one because even if it's got like the code words and passwords or at least knowing what your passport number is. So we did, so Torb's had my laptop, a jumper for people. It was fucking freezing. It was about four degrees. And so we got outside and she was shaking. And I was like, oh my God. And Torb's was like had my laptop, a jumper for people. It was fucking freezing. It was about four degrees. And so we got outside and she was shaking.

And I was like, oh my God. And Torbs was like, I've got a jumper. And I was like, oh, that's really good. I didn't get anything. That is good. Anyway, yeah. So he had her lead, a jumper for her, my laptop. And anyway, so we're kind of standing up front and we like can smell smoke

and everybody's coming down. And because it's like 1030, everyone's in dressing gowns and there's like parents holding kids that have obviously they've had to like rip out of bed, poor little things. Is it like an industrial that building's on fire smoke or is that, you know, that beautiful like someone's got an open fire, someone's doing a roast chicken smoke? No, it was like hot burning plastic smell.

Yeah, gross smoke. Because, you know, when you sometimes Sunday afternoon you go, oh, someone's having a roast chicken? No, it was like hot burning plastic smell. Yeah, gross smoke. Because you know when you sometimes. Totally. Sunday afternoon you go, oh, someone's having a roast. Yeah. No, it wasn't like that at all. It was heavy smoke. It wasn't nice.

Anyway, and so we are out the front and, yeah, there's all these people and people go, oh, are you okay? Like, you all right? And everybody's walking down with holding their dogs and cats and there's like cats in pet carriers. And one guy is like with holding their dogs and cats. And there's, like, cats in pet carriers. And one guy is, like, so puffed out. And he's like, oh, my cat carrier was down in the garage. Oh, so they've had to race down.

So they raced down to the garage to their storage case and raced back up, got the cat, then came back down again. I was like, that's fucking commitment. Cat-mitment. Anyway, so we're downstairs. People are just, just like streaming out of the building and because we could smell the smoke we're like fuck something's actually wrong we're like asking everybody around us like you okay do you know what's happening yeah um and then like

the firefighters rocker uh there's three trucks and like six firefighters like spill out of this thing and like the lights are spill out of this thing. And like the lights are going, the lights are going, the sirens are going, like everything is like popping off and like Torbs is holding Pippa. I was trying to like shield her out of the cold. All these people. And there were people that like lived on their own and they were kind of like freaking out a bit.

And I was like, it's okay. Like we're out, we're safe. Like they're going to- Were you providing- I actually would like to say that I was acting as a bit of a point of call for people. People were kind of coming over because we just pulled in one area. And were you working like the camaraderie of the group?

Yeah, I was. Trying to keep it positive? I was. Trying to keep it light and bright? Someone walked out and they had like their hair in a towel and I was like, oh, I hope you got to condition before you came down. Oh, so you bring comedy as well? I brought a little bit of levity to the situation, which is nice.

I haven't sent my invoice yet, but I think I will. Do you think your comedy was A, expected, and B, well-received? It actually was well-received. Okay. Better than when I'm in a medical situation. Normally it's not well-received. But I think because we were all just like normal people who were like sitting on the couch watching TV or about to hop into dinner

or into bed. Like you've had dinner, you know, your night's over and everyone's like a bit like fucking on edge. Anyway, and then someone else came over, they're like, oh, do you know what's wrong? And I was like, we don't know anything but like the people here, like I was like the fucking, I was like the politicians like person.

When the health information comes through, we will trust the experts. I was like the fucking, I was like the politicians-like person. When the health information comes through, we will trust the experts. I was like Dan Andrews. Had my cat man do on and I was ready. There will be a further update in due course. And anyway, so there's like all these people in our building. It's like the building's been like turned inside out. Like everybody's on the outside. There's no one inside.

And these six fucking massive fucking firefighters with all their gear on, they spill out of the truck, they walk over to the front door, can't get in. And, like, there's, like, 100 people that live in the building all just watching them, like, not be able to open the door. And not a single one of them went, hey, mate, do you want me to let you in? No. And they went, oh, and then someone went, oh, my God,

like, I'll let you in. We're smelling smoke. Fuckheads. See, they got lulled into a false sense of security. They're like, oh, I thought this was a fire, but I'm actually at a comedy show because Tony Lodge is out here dropping zingers, distracting everyone. They're all double-barred.

And then they're like, can someone come and let us in? You're like, excuse me, I'm actually mid-story. I'm about to get to the punchline, dude, if you don't mind. The punchline is just sitting in my back pocket here. I've been warming up to this. No pun intended. Yeah. Anyway.

Your time to shine will come. But right now, Tony Lodge is just delivering. How about that airplane food? You selfish arsehole. Anyway, I love that. I just did fake microphone and I got one right in front of me. Anyway, how about that microphone food? Aeropod, fuck.

See, this is what happens when people interrupt my set. So they remember they're in an emergency and someone decides to let them in. And someone goes, oh, my God, oh, my God. And they reach over and they ding their fucking card on the thing and then they go, yeah, cheers. Then they run in, there's a second door. There's a second door. And everyone just is looking at them at the second door

and then someone else goes, oh, fuck, oh, shit. And they ding their ding and then they fucking go through. Yeah, and then he gets to the lift. Then they get to the stairs. They can't get into the fucking stairs. And then someone goes, oh, shit, and then someone else fucking lets him into the stairs. Some people don't know this, but Tony lives in Alcatraz.

Apparently. Explain to me then how my fucking parcels get stolen at least once a week. The fucking building is on fire. The firefighters can't fucking get in to rescue the fucking old woman and the cat in the burning fucking building. But some fuckhead walking past can steal my shit from the fucking post office, the mail room.

May I present a question to you? Play a question. Maybe the issue isn't your parcel getting out of the building, which I agree, it's a mystery. I think the problem is how the fuck does the parcel get in in the first place? So I knew that this question was coming and I've actually prepared a statement.

Please. So regular tradies that come to our building and the postman, they have fobs. Really? Yes. So the postman, like, rings the doorbell so that you can go down and get it. But he actually, so we've got one regular postman that comes in the morning.

He's got a fob. Yep. But then if, like, Star Trek or, like, a courier comes, theyman that comes in the morning. He's got a fob. Yep. But then if like Star Trek or like a courier comes, they can't get in. Yeah. But our regular postman, his name is actually Postman Pat. I'm not even kidding. His name is Pat.

And he can get in. Okay. So when he comes, he can deliver stuff. What was one of the things that went missing recently? So the thing that went missing this week was a piece of art that I bought from my friend Sarah Scott. Oh, that's right. Who just started a business.

It's called Sunny And. Oh, jeez. Yeah, no, that's from both of us, Sarah. Yeah. Okay. I, as you know, have watched a lot of Ocean's Eleven. Yep. Now, spoiler alert, do you remember?

I just watched Ocean's Eight the other day for like the third time. It's so good. I've never seen it before. Oh, it's good, isn't it? It could have ended before James Corden rolled up. Oh, doesn't he fuck everything? They just stick an extra half an hour of that movie. Doesn't he just fuck everything?

They should have walked out, stolen the goods, and just end it there. Literally. Mindy Kaling doing all the jewellery is fucking insane, eh? It's a really good movie. Do you remember in Ocean's 11 how they get the stuff out? So they do the fake video on the security cameras? Yeah. Yeah.

And then they're like, oh, you'll be seeing this is happening now. And they'll go, but that was half an hour ago or whatever because that was in the stunt vault. So they called the police, but they intercepted the call. So the police was actually them. So they just carried it out dressed as SWAT guys. Oh, that's right. So what I'm getting at is, A, did you see any fire?

And, B, do you know any firemen with some artwork? Oh, conspiracy. I've been watching a lot of Black Mirror. So that adds up to me in my mind. Yeah, because they go, oh, can you let us in? Oh, the other door. And here you are going, oh, of course, of course. And I'm doing my tight five out the front.

Distracting everyone else. And in the meantime, no one's seen a fire and no one's seen your artwork. But what we do know is that we've seen a fireman get lit in and we've seen a fireman leave with six of his mates. Solved. Boom. Do you want to play Cluedo? Yes.

Yeah, you'd be really good at it because that's exactly what you just did. Thank you. Fuck, what a thrill. Everyone's fine, by the way. It was someone barbecuing at 10.30 on a fucking Sunday night. Who fucking knows why they were doing that? Anyway. Did the barbecue set it off?

Apparently it did. Did they have a very smoky edition? I don't know whether maybe they left the lid down too long and then it's just like sucked right through. Or maybe not down enough. Yeah. Keep the lid on. Keep the smoke in there, mate.

Yeah, true. But, yeah, it was like the barbecue was like melting. It smelled terrible. Have you seen it? No, I smelt it. It was an inside job, mate. Inside job. They're all in on it.

Do you know what really surprised me, though? So I thought that obviously this little tidbit, I just like to say I did test this joke out on the crowd on the night. I said, oh, if the fireman can't get in, why do my parcels get stolen all the time? And then they go down with the crowd. They loved it. It killed? It fucking killed. And everyone went go down with the crowd. They loved it. It killed?

It fucking killed. And everyone went, oh, tell me about it. Relay to a comedy for the crowd. So I did know that the joke was going to kill. That's why I backed this in today. Thanks for testing it on your gear. I don't bring untested material. Tested it live.

There were people, you know how I've talked about our Facebook group, about the in my apartment, the apartment Facebook group. And it's a bit aggressive. It fucking pops off. There were people, right, that didn't go downstairs but posted in Facebook and went, oh, anyone heard that fire alarm? What's going on? Probably a fire.

The fire alarm literally alarms you to what the problem is. That's what a fire alarm is. It's actually in the title. Yeah, fire alarm. Oh, that's alarming me that a fire is happening. Better go downstairs. Literally people were posting in the Facebook group being like, oh, is that a fire?

What? As if you would waste the time. Imagine then if someone comments back, yep, and then you open your door, flames are there. Titanic, see ya. Okay, if you're at the supermarket and you hear a car alarm going off do you race back to your car to see if it's okay or do you just go oh fuck car alarm because if i had the choice i actually that is a good point if i had the choice between running downstairs on a it's really cold in melbourne at the moment

yeah if i had the choice been running outside in the middle of the night or like not doing that and just posting on the Instagram or the Facebook group, I would just go, everything all good? And then someone would go, yeah, it's fine. And you go, great. The only difference I think between the Coles, like the fire alarm example, the car alarm example, sorry, and the fire alarm is that a fire alarm,

like it's alerting you to actual danger. A car alarm going, like that could be any number of things i just don't think that a fire alarm is one that you want to like roll the dice with yeah like dice you have watched oceans 11 yeah i have um but i think it's just one of those things where it's like the five minutes and this sounds die obviously everything was fine in my building thank god like everyone's okay except for the fucking art that's been stolen, the art heist in my building. I just don't think that people understand how quickly

that situation could change. The five minutes or three minutes even that you've taken to post that difference of you just going downstairs. You're not a true couch sitter you're a fake couch sitter you reckon yeah i just don't think that i would take the chance if my options are doing something or not doing something i mean if you are a panic but i didn't all right if james cord came out, I'd be like, fuck. All right, everyone.

Just go. Come on, let's go. He's not even a real cop. Let the fire take us, actually. But I didn't panic. I was just like, I just wouldn't take the risk. I tell you, if, oh my God, I don't know if anyone can hear that. There's sirens going off.

The art! Protect the art! Get the art! Let's see what you love to see get the fuck out of here well people be able to hear that through the mic it's probably not hey

I don't think so but there's literally so many sirens happening out there yeah I can't believe that I'll get it up to you I think I might have just sent it to you

check it out this guy's a tarpa his name's Ben but on Instagram he's called I believe the string art guy

oh yeah the string art guy um I don't really know what string art was Instagram. He is called, I believe, The String Art Guy. Oh, yeah. The String Art Guy. I didn't really know what string art was, but isn't that incredible? What? So basically he puts all these nails in and then with the nails gets all this thread and weaves them around and stuff.

I've sent it to you. Have you seen it, Ken? And then he makes these... It's really hard to explain. I'll put a link in the episode thread, but that's a tarpa who listens to our show. Isn't he incredible? Start the fucking blog. It's amazing.

I've never even heard of that. Like I've never, not that I'm a, apart from the art that got stolen, I'm not saying that I'm like an art connoisseur. You're not well known in the string art industry? No, but that's amazing. Just the texture of it looks sick, hey? Yeah, it's actually hard to fathom how incredible that is and how hard it would be to make.

Wow. And the detail that's in something that's so... And even making the model that it's, like, based on as well. Yeah. I'm guessing he does that as well. That's insane. Oh, good on you, Ben. Well done, Ben.

Incredible. That's sick. My You Love to See It is from Samantha Coxon. G'day, Coxie. In our Facebook group. She said, My You Love to See It is writing a comment on one of the posts and having not only Tony Lodge comment not once but twice. So I thought, oh, my God, here's me getting like a little bit of buzzer.

And I'm like, good for the ego. Thanks, Sammy. However, it was topped by Jared McQuaig also commenting. No, cancelled Jared McQuaig. Felt like famous people were swarming in. I love to see it. Who do you think? Don't like that.

Jared, you fucking cutting my grass? I would say Jared McQuaig is a bigger figure in the Tony Ryan podcast than either Tony and or Ryan. Yeah, I agree. I mean, Tony Ryan who? More like Jared and Jared is what I've heard people say. Jared and McQuaid. I've heard people say that.

No, Samantha, I fucking love to see that. And I love that people are friends in the Facebook group. Actually warms my fucking cold dead heart. Yeah. All right. How is your heart? Are you okay? How is your heart?

I'm upset about the art, to be honest. I'm glad you're okay. Thank you. Yeah, so it's so everything's all good. The barbecue, RIP, but yeah, apart from that. RIP? Yeah. We don't know that that didn't make it.

That's true. They might have been having a roast watching us all on the street going, fuckers. Yeah, or not knowing. Like, I'm having this delicious dinner and everyone's outside. What are they doing? And they're like, we're listening to music really loud, so we can't hear the fire alarm going off.

You've got to get out of that building, man. Yeah. Yeah. I need to move. There's so much going on there. It's too much for me. Is it too much to ask to have your post delivered, not to have the thing burned down, and to have,

oh, you did get a new fridge that fits. Well, we did get a new fridge. It is not the forever fridge, but it is good. You saw it the other day. Very impressive. Yeah. But, yeah, I think we do need to move, to be honest. We are back tomorrow for something.

How do you feel about 30 hours? 30 hours? Oh, sorry, 51 hours. 51 hours. Fuck, piss it in. It's getting to me. At least I'm not staying in my fucking apartment building. Do you know what I mean?

I get a holiday away from the fucking chaos of our building. Is it getting to you, did you just say? It's getting to me. All right. Do you want to talk about it tomorrow? Yeah. Okay. Love you.

Yeah, I love you. You okay? I love you. I'll be actually there with you the whole time. I think that's what's getting to me. Oh. Jared McQuay will be there. Love you, bye. I think that's what's getting to me. Jared McQuigley.